SURVIVOR

Amazon Episode 11: Sour Grapes

Can you believe that we have only two episodes more to go before the winner is crowned? And even now they are still stabbing, backstabbing, and cannibalizing each other? I don't think I have ever seen a Survivor season where the contestants really resemble a batch of conniving velociraptors before. Unlike Thailand where everybody seems to be on a deathwatch until they crown the inevitable winner Porno, right now it is near impossible to predict who will be the last one left standing. There is no Pagong, tribe members each other without caring for tribal loyalty, and most importantly, if a huge meteor crashes on Camp Jackanapes and incinerates everybody, I think I will probably cheer and throw a party.

I mean, seriously: we have Rat Boy, who is offensive and foul. There's Queen Elfreda who is more and more becoming an even more soulless version of Porno, and even better, he has creepy vibes with his mother (although Colby will always be the king of creepy incest vibes, no contest). I'm sure there's someone in this show called Butch. I've seen him in the credits, and I'm sure I've seen him maybe once or twice in this show. I think. Is Butch ever there or did I imagine him? Hmm. C Girl, oh poor C Girl, she's Cinderella whose pumpkin carriage is rotten and whose stepsisters conspire with the Rat Prince to hide her slippers and cripple her knee, and I'm ashamed to say that I am howling with laughter at her own bumbles this episode. Then there are the two most obnoxious, hateful, odious We Rewrote The Thesaurus Entry For "Disgusting" twin Gargoyle Skankies, Jabba and High D, who make Jerri Mantis look like your sweet and lovely Elisabeth Fair.

But I must say, they really make good TV. I will gnaw off my own foot to get away from these freaks if I happen to be trapped with them at Camp Jackanapes, but damn, they are so good to mock.

We start this episode on Night Thirty, just after Alex's skanky hobag ass is given the well-deserved boot to the Loser Lodge, where the remaining freaks are coming home. They start a fire and warm themselves around it. And oh, look, Jabba feels Betrayed! Rat Boy has screwed the alliance, she screeches to the camera. She and High D will, like, so hate him forever because they cannot ever imagine people putting their own interests over the alliance like, ever! As Rat Boy and Queen Elfreda begin rationalizing why they voted out Alex, speaking in a slow manner like you would speak to a dim-witted child (which would be High D), High D shuts up and says that she will be cussing if she actually speak at that time.

I almost killed myself laughing at the complete lack of self-awareness on these two Skankies' part as they go on and on about integrity and selflessness.

Queen Elfreda tells the two Skankies that the vote will not change the relationship between the tribe members. There goes my hope of seeing the two Skankies working their useless fingers to the bone from day to night while the other four laze around under the sun.

High D is now weeping. If you haven't experienced the intoxicating pleasures of schadenfraude, go watch this episode. I swear I become a better person with each asthmatic-bullmastiff snivels she makes. She says that she feels manipulated and cheated. After all, everybody knows that cute and pretty girls are entitled to victory while all the ugly old meanies work for them, right? Rat Boy tells her that they have evaluate their positions in the tribe and he doesn't want to be the fourth wheel in the Four For Stupid Alliance, blah blah blah, but to the camera, he is all glee as he says that the two Skankies will have to do some serious ass kissing around here to last another three days. Which, if you ask me, won't be too hard if we're talking about two Skankies who stripped on TV for peanut butter. At least the Tirumvirate of Skank of Big Brother 3 - Chiwhora, Loosa, and Hernia - strip and use peanut butter for questionable but practical reasons. Jabba and High D are only fit to kiss these skanks' fungus-overgrown toes.

Everybody go to bed. I'm quite puzzled at why nobody laugh or tell Jabba and High D to wake up early to get wood, et cetera. I can only conclude that these bunch maybe obnoxious and conniving, but they probably can't fit a brain cell among all of them. If Jabba and High D end up winning this one, they have only themselves to blame. Don't laugh - right now it is very likely that the two Skankies can actually end up the Final Two, especially after the others take out each other in their alpha power struggles. My sole consolation if we ever end up facing this horrifying scenario is that High D will win the money and Jabba will go mad, claw at High D's eyes, and they end up killing each other before a live audience on the Reunion show. Of course, if any of them wins, this show is finished. May as well call it Big Brother only with nicer scenery and nudity of uglier people.

Morning, day thirty-one. Jabba opens one eye to see the others working, and closes it again. High D opens her mouth silently and closes it back in her sleep. Apparently during the night it rained heavily and the shelter wasn't sturdy enough to keep them dry. So today, Queen Elfreda is going to direct everybody who can work - this discounts "athletic and intelligent" High D and Jabba, naturally - to build another shelter, only this time the second shelter is for them and for their stores. I don't understand why they just don't sacrifice Jabba and High D to Pele.

Jabba and High D declare that Rat Boy will pay and pay and pay for betraying them. Since they are now the ones backed against the corner, this is pretty funny coming from them. Funny in a bad way, that is, because it only shows how delusional they are. They expect to win this thing, and now that they are thwarted, all they can do is to whine and squeal? C Girl tells them that well, she hasn't really lied to them. Since they barely talked to her all this while, this is an easy claim to make. High D says that she never lasted this long only to be screwed over. Unless you hold up a jar of peanut butter and then she'll do an amazing corkscrew act just for you. While Jabba sulks and acts as if the world hates her (and it does), High D however isn't going to give up so soon. She goes to C Girl nd tells her to vote with them for the boys. That way, they can force a tie and one of them has a 50% chance of staying! And she came to this without a calculator. Bravo, High D, bravo! You may yet graduate from third grade next year.

C Girl meets up with Rat Boy. From a tree above, a monkey looks down and sighs in despair at how low humanity has sunk. She - C Girl, not the monkey - tells him to watch out for big spiders. He tells her that High D and Jabba can't believe that C Girl lasted this long. He tells her that Jabba and High D believe that they work harder than C Girl to get where they are - if you consider digging a grave for your pride and dignity "work", that is - to which C Girl snorts and says that she deserves to outlast the Gargoyle Skankies. She says that she has never seen Jabba cut down a tree. She then giggles. To the camera, she wonders whether she should team up with the Gargoyle Skankies because she has a better chance with them, but she is also fond of the guys because they are "honest". She says she has all the power now. Hippodeena, King Dick, and Alex look at each other from Loser Lodge and shake their heads. Give Cinderella a pumpkin and she think she's Queen Elizabeth I.

It's time for the Reward Challenge. Amidst the continuous backstabbings of the Jackanapes, it is easy to forget that at this point of the show, they usually offer the Survivors a chance to win a visit from a loved one, or a "conjugal visit" if you happen to be Colby and his mother. Jeff Proboscis, nondescript in khaki, explains the rules of this particular challenge. The contestants will have to scrabble and dig in the river bank to find a paddle. There are only four paddles, so this round will automatically disqualifies two persons. Using the colored paddle, the contestant jumps to a matching-colored paddle boat and paddles to a box that also colored in that same color and answer a question about which snake has killed the most people in this place. There are four options, and there are four bags of puzzle pieces, each colored separately. Then you grab the bag whose color corresponds with your answer and canoe back to the river bank, to a nearby "puzzle station". Fit the puzzles to form a snake, and the winner will win a visit from a loved one.

Since we're talking about this bunch of Survivors, Burnetto probably hired actors and actresses to play the "loved ones" because I can't imagine anybody wanting to come on TV and claim High D, Rat Boy, or Jabba as a blood kin.

Rat Boy, Jabba, C Girl, and Queen Elfreda get their paddles. Queen Elfreda rows like a madman, his shiny, perfectly muscled Gigolo Joe Plastic body reminding me of a huge blow-up doll I saw in that strange website I came across the other day. (Talk about creepy, but those anatomically correct dolls cost almost seven thousand US dollars each and you're supposed to clothe them, bathe them, and have sex with them. Isn't it cheaper to hire a gigolo instead of buying a doll for seven grand? Anyway, I digress.) Jabba chooses to swim instead, and crocodiles flee in terror at her coming. C Girl gives up trying to balance herself on her boat and dives in too. Rat Boy goes gung-ho and tries to remain on his boat. He sees the leering crocodiles waiting to get at his rodent bum so he knows better than to dive in. Predictably, Queen Elfreda gets the (correct) bag, heads back to the "puzzle station" by a huge lead, and when Rat Boy struggles to keep up, Queen Elfreda's almost done. And then he's done. Yeah! He won the Challenge! The Scary Betty lookalike that they hired for the occasion will finally get to earn her minimum wage acting stint after all.

Rat Boy hugs Queen Elfreda as Jabba and High glare mutinously. High D says that she's happy Queen Elfreda won. Yeah, I believe her. And pigs can fly. Jabba bursts into tears. Because she knows that when she bursts into tears or acts like a spoiled brat, people like Alex and Probby will cave in and give that special, special prize to her even if she doesn't earn it like everybody else. Of course Probby softens. He tells Queen Elfeda that he can give up his reward so that everyone else here can get a visit from their loved ones. It is times like this that I wish I'm the host of this stupid show. I will make sure Jabba cry until her cadaverous face caves in. Of course, since we know Queen Elfreda is not too sane, he agrees. Or maybe the fact that High D and Jabba are throwing themselves and rubbing their 100% unnatural breasts against him sways his determination. Ah, those gals. They are useless but they have no qualms in doing what skanks have to do to get what they want. Gotta admire them for that, at least.

First out runs Butch's wife. Which isn't real, because we know there is no Butch on this show - we just imagined him just like now we are imagining his wife. It's probably just two tree trunks crashing that we think we see as Butch and wife thumping torsos and mashing lips.

C Girl's boyfriend is sexy. Suddenly Washington Monument makes a lot of sense.

Rat Boy's mother, played by a really desperate out of job ex-soap star who needs the money to pay her rent, runs out and hugs him.

High D's mother, actually an even more desperate actress who needs the money for her pension fund, is next, followed by Michael, Jabba's father, played by a washed-up, coked-up Don Johnson after a massive liposuction and face lift. He still looks ugly.

Queen Elfreda says that he's happy. He feels like God, he says, at that moment. A psycho with God complex - this man makes Porno look like a wimp.

The others and their "loved ones" have ten minutes to gather around a table filled with goodies and eat. Rat Boy toasts Queen Elfreda. Everybody will look back, he says, and appreciate this moment for the rest of their lives, right there with his own memories of bathing with Jabba and wishing he has a fistful of dollar bills to shove into High D's G-string. Rat Boy tells his "mother" that he has been really bad, and "momma" feigns horror. Jabba's mom has "shingles". High D says that her family is on her mind all the time, especially when she strips for peanut butter. C Girl tells her fake boyfriend that she's going to the Final Four. Then ten minutes are up and everyone leaves. I've seen more convincing studio productions from a nursery gathering. Next time I suggest Burnetto just buy a nasty gorilla and have it chase the Survivors around the island for our viewing pleasure.

Ah, but wait - Probby is giving Queen Elfreda a present too! After all, we don't want that psycho to freak out and machete everybody tonight in his bitter resentment now, do we? (Yes, we do, but we're not supposed to say that.) So out comes "Momma", played by Mrs Colby - no, not Probby, but the real momma, Mrs Colby - only with a little work on the cheeks and stuff. And a nicer wig so that we won't recognize Mrs Colby unless we see closely or when she pulls out her camera and starts taking pictures of her "son" bathing, whichever comes first. "Momma" smiles and says, "Norman, you've been a bad boy." Okay, she makes some excited sounds. Queen Elfreda thumps his fists to his chest, Tarzan-style. Because that's how you greet your mothers.

"Momma, I'm King Kong and you're my Fay Wray!"

"Momma" shoves Jeff Probby out of the way and demands to see the shower stall.

I made the last two paragraphs up.

Queen Elfreda says that he sucks at expressing emotions. "I hate doin' that!" I know, Matteo, I know.

Jeff Proboscis gives them both a nice visit to a secluded romantic lodge again borrowed from Temptation Island. Because that's what you give a mother and son as a reward. Queen Elfreda puts his arm around her waist and leers down at her. In a nice sonny boy way, of course. "Momma" beams. Since she's an actress, I guess it's okay for him to announce their evening as "romantic" and how his mother and he don't have a "traditional" relationship. Oh dear. They get on a boat and reach this dark areas lit up by torches flanking a path. "Momma" says she is afraid - yeah right, as if there's a serial killer lurking around a Survivor set that's more scary than her "son" - maybe she just wants to be hugged. Queen Elfreda says seriously that she "clung to him" and "she was really scared". Talk about overacting, "Momma" - no wonder that soap canned you after two episodes. They have wine. Queen Elfreda does a cute chicken dance when he sees chicken. He asks "Momma" if he is being formal. She says he's a "little bit" formal. The cameraman flees before we see what those two Batesian couple mean by "informal".

By this time, it's late in the night. Back at Jackanapes, an even more gruesome scene is at display: Rat Boy in huge Bridget Jones panties-type of Speedos throwing up, singing off-key, and pushing his mug to the camera. Butch is really drunk and he's passed out (hiya, kids, say hi to your Principal, and remember, "Believe in yourself!"). The Gargoyle Skankies are in bikinis. I don't want to know what C Girl is doing - she's probably turning her head three sixty Linda Blair Exorcist style. Rat Boy cackles that more than a few must have soiled themselves that night. Apparently the smell is so bad that Rat Boy says it's the worst thing he has smelled in thirty-one days. High D yells that she can't take the stench any more.

I want Mamma and Norman Bates. Cameraman, go back, go back! I'd rather see Momma and Sonny Bates butcher up a cameraman for the main course than to see those... things in Camp Jackanapes ever again.

PSA: don't drink, you'll be ugly.

"It's quiet," Queen Elfreda whispers to his mother. "How long should I steam those eyeballs?"

No, no, just kidding about the eyeballs. "Momma" practises her horror movie actress look and gasps "What is that?" to a sound she pretends to hear. Nope, forget it, Mrs Colby, even Passions, the worst soap opera on TV, won't have you. Orangutans are cheaper and they are better at emoting.

It turns out that she did hear something. Out of the darkness walk a line of exploitative cheap native dancers - the same type you can find at ersatz "native" tours for sissy tourists - and they begin to dance like the lifeless exploited third-world slaves to corporatism that they are. Clomp clomp ticky-tack-tack clomp clomp. And Queen Elfreda, whose bio includes treks to the wilderness of Borneo, flatly announces that this fake dancing is the best and the music is "hypnotic". See, Burnetto? Queen Elfreda is mocking you. Lock your windows, baby, Queen Elfreda is on the prowl.

Then "Momma" says bye-bye and returns to her full-time telemarketing job. Queen Elfreda says that this has been an incredible experience for the both of them. How sweet. And "Momma" didn't even the chance to take pictures of her son showering naked.

Back to the Jackanapes. Rat Boy is happy that they are all hanging out like "normal people". Us normal people immediately check for therapy. Jabba says that they are all normal, it's just the game that is abnormal. Whatever, I still hate her. Rat Boy says that he has kissed and made up with the Gargoyle Skankies. Considering that they reek of alcohol and they have their excreta dripping out of their bikini bottoms, the idea of any of these disgusting, toilet-untrained drunkard buffoons kissing and making up is enough to make me wish that we can all go back to asexual reproduction, like binary fission.

Morning finally arrives. Day thirty-two. Queen Elfreda, a braver man that I expected - wait, he's a psycho, so of course he is brave, anyway, he dares approach the stinking camp and actually starts getting down to work, putting the camp to right again after last night's s**t-and-stink party. Rat Boy opens his eyes to study Queen Elfreda. Since he has a tendency to really hate the men who are more virile than he (in this case, every man and his granpa), he now starts to hate Queen Elfreda. He wants to be the one standing next to Queen Elfreda because he believes that it increases your chance of winning if the other person is mean and nasty. Rat Boy says this with a straight face. Ssh, don't tell him but I think it's Queen Elfreda who should want to have Rat Boy standing beside him in the Final Two. Rat Boy's this season's Bray, only with extra crap. Now Rat Boy is displeased because Queen Elfreda's magnanimous "sacrifice" at the Rewards Challenge may endear him to everybody. And now Rat Boy is also certain that Queen Elfeda will win every challenge and so becomes his biggest threat. Gee, he figures all this out only now? So much for brains. Queen Elfreda, Rat Boy says, must be cut off. Again, this is something I always imagined Queen Elfreda would say, not Rat Boy. What a strange couple. Hmm.

Snake shot. Rat Boy tells Jabba that he has done a lot of bad things but he is willing to take Jabba along with him to the Final Two. Another snake shot. Jabba laughs derisively. They discuss possible jury votes, with Rat Boy concluding that while High D and Alex will support Jabba, the other juries will be more unpredictable. Rat Boy says that he will have to screw over Queen Elfreda and C Girl to take Jabba to the Final Two. Jabba wants to know who will be the next to go. Rat Boy refuses to tell and acknowledges that Jabba is free to tell the other tribe members about their discussion if she so chooses.

Jabba calls Rat Boy a snake to the camera and says that she will be humiliated if she knows him. Since she knows him, I guess she is humiliated then, alrighty. What an idiot.

Jabba runs to High D and tells her that Rat Boy is playing them all "like a puppet master". She is shocked at his temerity to suggest that the Jury may not like her. Who do the Jury think they are? She's pretty! She's hot! The pretty cuties rule the world, no? High D asks her what she wants to do. "Take him out!" Jabba announces fiercely. By this, she means that she will confront Rat Boy and yell out his plans with every other tribe member within hearing. Rat Boy stumbles upon High D and Jabba's heated discussion and Jabba, seeing him, tells the camera that unlike Rat Boy, she has ethics (*stab*Queen Hippodeena*stab*) and morals (*stab*Shameless Shawna*stab*).

High D decides to confront Rat Boy. By "confront", I mean she tells him that she knows he has to "f**k people up" to win and she knows that's what he's doing, so way to go, Rat Boy. Really, she's saying all that to make him feel bad. Ladies and gentlemen, the biggest idiot of the land, High D of the Hillybillies. She tells Rat Boy that she is glad to be taken out "this way" because at least she can walk away with her dignity (*peanut butter strip*) and integrity (*mistreating Butch, C Girl, Queen Elfreda*) intact. She knows her mother is proud of her because unlike Rat Boy, she "gave away a lot of things" (read "things" as: clothes, brain, pride, dignity). Then, having launched High D's Mighty Righteous Sermon, she bursts into tears and starts to walk away. Rat Boy calls after her and finally gives chase. Rat Boy tells the camera that this is like having two left hands, sorry, ex-girlfriends who hate him. Poor guy.

When she sees the teary-eyed High D and the snivelling Rat Boy, Jabba has had it. She is now yelling at Rat Boy in front of the others, egged on by High D who is trying to pacify Jabba but predictably making her even more angry. She asks the others one by one if Rat Boy has told him or her what he'd told Jabba earlier. Do they know that Rat Boy wants to take Jabba to the Final Two? Well, hear her screech it loud and proud. Jabba and Rat Boy forever! Wait, that sounds horrifying. But that's the way she goes. Finally, Rat Boy gives up placating her and tells her that if she doesn't like it, she's feel to "write R-O-B on the parchment tomorrow night". HigH D announces that Rat Boy is going to win this thing because he will screw everybody over and everybody else is too honorable to stop him. Er, how many ways can one spell "blathering idiot" to High D? Hello? Isn't this what the game is all about, outwitting and outlasting?

Lots of snake shots. The subtlety in Burnetto's symbolic visual narration is just amazing.

Rat Boy is now walking alone through the jungles. He tells the camera that he is in an alliance of one, lone wolf of the game, and he picks the bottom feeders to bring him to the Final Two. He tells lies, he admits, but these guys still trust him. He wonders whether they have been listening to him all this while.

Everyone's favorite imaginary friend, Butch, pops up. "...stood there and took some of it 'cause they were hot and they're mad at you and they're cursin' you and doin' all that kinda...." he says sagely, then nods, before vanishing back into the Great Nothing, never to be heard again until next week.

Queen Elfreda pulls Rat Boy aside later that day. He has heard Jabba and now feels insecure about his relationship with Rat Boy. He says that he's talked to "those chicks" (very progressive, Queen Elfreda), and "Just because, you know, everyone else was asleep, and I don't give a shit because I'm no f**king voting with them or anything. But I feel like, I might as well be cordial. They said, they just said, something's happening to you and we're not going to let it happen. They're trying to make it sound like you guys were cooking something against me. What the f**k are they talking about? Are they trying to pull something? Obviously they're trying to pull something over my eyes. They're going to say hey, we'll work something out with you guys. So that's the only reason I'm coming over here. Any changes at all, any conversations this morning that I have to worry about?"

Rat Boy says no. Queen Elfreda is suspicious, but Rat Boy says no again. Finally, Queen Elfreda seems satisfied. He believes that C Girl is still with them. "Beautiful."

But C Girl is now approached by High D. Jabba sits aside, looking sullen, hoping that no one sees her on TV doing something as disgusting as talking to a deaf human being, eeeuw. C Girl is trying to tell High D that she trusts the men but High D is speaking like a locomotive that if she sides with the Gaygoyle Skankies, C Girl can be second or even first, while she's just fourth wheel in the male alliance. High D repeats that she trust C Girl. To the camera, C Girl mocks the Skankies for turning to her only when the going gets tough and down the drain, and then repeats that C Girl has the power, woo-hoo!

It's time for the Immunity Challenge. They all walk to a clearing, where Jeff Proboscis awaits. Hanging from one corner are many colored plates, each color representing a Survivor. Each person is given a slingshot and ten marbles. He or she must break as many of his/her colored plates to release a puck from each plate. Then they will go to a modified snooker table where they can push their pucks towards an X on the table. The closest puck to the X wins the person immunity.

So they being breaking plates, with Rat Boy saying that he hasn't broken this many plates since he was a waiter at Club Strippendale. There are of course those who accidentally break other contestants' plates (Butch) thus giving the other free pucks. In the end, amidst smithereens of ugly colored plates, Queen Elfreda has one puck, Rat Boy has two, C Girl has three, High D has four, and Butch and Jabba have five each.

With their pucks, they then lean over the table (now, Rat Boy, don't get too excited) and begin playing. Lots of stupid pushings ensue, the highlight being High D lovingly pushes her puck to knock aside her best friend Jabba's, push Rat Boy closer to the X, and block the other contestants from pushing Rat Boy ever. With friends like High D, who needs car accidents? But Jabba says she "has a plan", and using her evil telekinetic powers, shoves her last puck to win herself immunity. Woo. High D looks bitter, so does Butch - wait, Butch doesn't exist, so that's probably High D projecting her bitterness on TV.

We skip forward to day thirty-three. With so much backstabbing and hatred running high, I'm still amazed nobody died yet on this show. Rat Boy says that his stomach is in knots. I think he messed up that particular simile somehow. He craves "a bottle of Maalox, a fifth of vodka, a pack of cigarettes - make that a carton of cigarettes." He's all messed up because he is sure that he's going to be stabbed in the back, and he wants reassurance that it's still all good for him.

So he goes to see C Girl. C Girl is lying on her back on the shelter, looking like a bewildering parody of a Godfather figure, smirking as Rat Boy asks her whether she's still with them to vote out High D. She says she's guessing so, yeah. Rat Boy asks her what she means by "I guess so", upon which C Girl asks rhetorically who can help make her "the sole Survivor". She goes for a walk with Rat Boy, upon which she stupidly tells him that she isn't sure whether she wants to align herself with the Gargoyle Skankies or with the Psycho Rodent Hallucination Alliance. Do you tell people this kind of things on this show? Obviously a certain young lady hasn't learned the consequences of being "too honest" from Alex's downfall. She tells Rat Boy that she will make up her mind only when she is at the Tribal Council. She assumes that she's safe. Rat Boy soon proves her wrong by running off to Jabba and High D and suggesting that they vote out C Girl today.

Those stupid women, momentarily enthralled with the idea of crushing ugly deaf girls because we all know pretty women are the only ones that deserve to win, quickly agrees. Never mind that they are willing to vote out the best chance they can get to solidify their positions in this game and turn the tables on the men, it's all about kicking deaf uncute girls, you know. Jabba looks happy for once, because while she can't eat puppies raw on TV, she's all about getting rid of all women and become the Sole Cutie on this show.

High D and Jabba could have talked to C Girl about this and convince her to defect to their side once and for all and they could vote out Queen Elfreda, their biggest threat at this point. But no, allying with a deaf girl is so distasteful, let's just bank on an openly disloyal rat not to betray them instead! If there are stupid cakes in the jungle, these two women have eaten them all.

Night falls, and we see the Survivors at the Tribal Council. Blah blah blah inane chatter. Jabba says that because she's a model, other women don't like her. That fact that women dislike her because she's a jealous, conniving, spiteful Heathers demoness queen doesn't register on her. Rat Boy, who hates and have plotted the ouster of cute, virile men he is bitterly envious of, is glad that he's not handsome because being handsome is a handicap on this game. Oh, he should know. Jabba lies and says she will not betray anybody in this game. And she wonders why people dislike her.

C Girl takes the shovel from Jeff Proboscis, whacks herself in the head with it, and then digs her grave by telling everybody that she is "in the driver's seat" and she "controls the power". This is a truly dumb thing to say. Give C Girl a little swing vote power and she thinks she's now General Wellington.

Jabba gives her immunity necklace to High D. "Strategy," she says.

Lucky for her, the men and Rat Boy don't betray her and vote her out instead of High D. No, they target C Girl, because come on, who will want to compete against a sweet, inoffensive deaf girl in the Final Two?

High D votes for C Girl. Queen Elfreda votes for C Girl. C Girl votes for Jabba ("Your wish has come true, you're going home. You're getting a shower. You're getting food. Go home, look beautiful, be happy, we don't need you.") - if she intends to ally with Rat Boy, she should have just said so, sheesh. Jabba for C Girl, Rat Boy also C Girl, while Butch incongruously votes for Jabba ("Jabba I am in a very strong alliance and I gave them my word. I think you're a great girl, this is nothing against you personally but the alliance is very strong. I'm staying with the alliance. Best of luck to you.").

Bye C Girl!

Rat Boy exchanges a smile with Jabba. Jabba smiles back, lost in her temporary pleasure of stabbing her fellow women in the back to realize that she and High D have lost a chance at regaining their positions in the tribe.

Probby points out that C Girl, like Alex and Queen Hippodeena, will feel betrayed. The Jury will be interesting. I can't wait for C Girl's Jury Speech. I bet there will be a few signed gestures we all will surely recognize, because that girl is pissed. Here's the complete unedited final words of hers. She's one bitter loser, heh heh heh!

"I am pissed off! So pissed off! I didn't deserve to be voted off! I didn't! Okay. So what goes around comes around is that what the case it is? I mean Jesus, Jesus. You have to be a liar to be in this game. You have to backstab. You have to just bulls**t your way to get to the final. I developed trust. I knew from day one don't trust anybody! So if you're going to be on Survivor, don't trust anybody. Just try to play the game however the game is supposed to be played.

"Bravo! Bravo! I made it 33 days, yay! That's a big accomplishment. A big accomplishment. Big.

"I was able to see my boyfriend I was able to get letters. I was able to prove to myself that I am a real Survivor. I can survive in the Amazon I can survive with hearing people around me and still be emotionally okay and be okay and play the game and just be around hearing people. It's just a great accomplishment to know that I can speak and communicate with them. But you could see they could care less, because they didn't look at me. I am glad I was patient and I was able to handle it.

"I don't want to be out of the game. I am not a sore loser, so I am going to be okay. It's going to be okay. I made it 33 days.

"I am going to make a decision at the end on who the Final Two are. I am going to make sure that those evil stepsisters of mine are not going to win the million dollars. Not going to happen. So no, they don’t deserve it.

"What freaking tribe members I have! They got me. Those guys got me good. Those girls were good at convincing them that I should be out of the tribe. Whatever. Whatever. Whatever.

"So, it's okay. It's okay. It's okay. I am crying because I am totally shocked. I am so shocked. I shouldn't have said in tribal council that I was in the driver's seat. Cuz that probably automatically made them say, 'Hey, she has confidence so she's out of the game.' That was probably a mistake.

"There is no truth in this game. None. None. Damn.

"I lied one time. I lied to Shawna and only Shawna. And some little bullshit stories when someone tried to ask me about myself and I didn't want to talk about it.

"I can leave here knowing that I have integrity - that I am a role model and I can make a difference.

"I spent 33 days in the Amazon. That is awesome. Awesome!

"Uh, I have met some incredible people through this experience. I wouldn't say I've met a lot. Which is okay. Because the number of friends doesn't not count. Oh, I made 25 friends.

"I have made some good friends. And I am going to take it with me. I am going to take... I want to hug the tree. I mean look at the trees behind me. It's just incredible.

"I will never forget this experience. I will never forget this experience.

"Um, uh, what else do I want to say?

"I worked hard. I chopped down trees with my machete. That was pretty awesome. I worked hard. So... I have integrity. Thank you."

No, thank you for making me laugh until my sides ache!

Before YouTube, recapping music videos is totally a thing and not a waste of time. Really..

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