SURVIVOR

Amazon Episode 10: Q&A

As Jeff Proboscis performs his usual useless recap of last week's episode of what is turning out to be one of the best Survivor seasons ever, let us recap the power struggles, usurpments, and rebellions that have taken place in the last few weeks. It can be confusing to newcomers, all this relentless backstabbings and power struggles, but what do you expect when you put a bunch of slimeballs together that make Enron officers look like Boy Scouts?

First there was King Dick, who assumes that when God created the Penis, he grants Men automatic entitlement to victory. He stupidly assumes that the men at the lower rung of his perceived hierarchy will be grateful to accept his Righteous Ways. When the tribe is split, Queen Hippodeena and Rat Boy covertly recruit lower rungs Queen Elfreda and Alex to their coalition. When the merge arrives, King Dick is swiftly despatched to the Loser Lodge. Two weeks later, Queen Hippodeena gets overconfident and believes that she's in charge (see King Dick, although she didn't, until too late), Alex raises a mutiny and her butt is sent packing soon enough. This week, Rat Boy plots with the displaced members of Queen Hippodeena's shattered alliances to stab his own alliance members, sending Alex, our failed Che Guevarra, to the Loser Lodge. Next week, Queen Elfreda, who discovers his True Force and Inner Matteo this week, looks set to reign supreme. Who will win this season? It's pretty late and we have only two more episodes to go before all will be revealed, but it's still pretty much anybody's game now. Woo-hoo, let the show begin!

Theme song. The women's intro on the credits are definitely better than the men's. The men's into seemed to be mostly taken from the log balancing challenge in the first episode, the rowing of the boat on the first day, or during some leaf gathering session. The women's intro scenes seem to be less of a rushed job: they make Shameless Shawna look like a sweet happy girl (hah!), Hosannah the Bride of Satan a kind nurturer (heh), High D an adventurous babe (gag), Jabba a determined angler (oh puh-leese), C Girl an enigmatic woman (quite true), Jeanne a witch (definitely true), Janet a sweet and homely type (not), and Queen Hippodeena a woman who looks like a man (bingo). Mark Burnetto loves the now defunct Jamboree, doesn't he?

Day twenty-eight. It's a lovely day. We see a boat under a tree. A crocodile takes a swim. Back to boat. We look closer, and ah, that's Butch and Queen Elfreda fishing as usual. Then we are at Camp Jackanapaes. C Girl opens a weary eye as the Four For Stupid Alliance are lazing around the sun. Alex tells the camera that the Four For Stupid Alliance is in control, so they can relax a little while the other three do all the work like Cinderella before the ball. C Girl quietly lurks around, probably listening. Rat Boy and the others laugh and idle. Alex calls himself and the other three "cool people" and all pledge to remain friends forever. I have to turn the volume up to get what he is saying - hubby and I are retching like crazy at this point. Jabba reminisces about her family. Apparently her mother has cancer, so that is why she leaves that sick mother to come here and win a million dollars. My heart breaks for her. High D says that Jabba's mother is so "sad" and Jabba has been worried all this while. Of course. Aside from stripping and whining and bitching and moaning and lazing around, I'm sure Jabba manages to find time working up some worry for sick momma. Jabba wipes at her dry eye and says that it is good to have friends and support in her time of need. This, people, is an example of how sad it can be for popular self-absorbed kids who still can't move on long after they have left high school.

C Girl collect firewood. Butch and Queen Elfreda fish.

Alex says that it's like high school - the cool people rule and the uncool ones have no choice but to sucker up. How nice. How many ways can I say "You jerk, you stupid jerk, you stupid stupid jerk!" to this jerk?

C Girl throws the wood down with a huff. She says she's a hard worker and she's okay with it, but there are times when she wants to tell the Four For Stupid off - "Get off your butt!" - but they just don't listen to her.

We see the Four For Stupid sunbathing. Jabba is topless. Fire ants come out from the ground, summoned by a really angry Momma Gaia, and crawl into every conceivable body orifice of these four waste of carbon material and eat them alive from inside out. Wait, that's just my imagination.

Queen Elfreda finds the Four For Stupid Alliance's behavior "incomprehensible". If any of those four end up in the Final Two, they will have lost the votes from Queen Elfreda, C Girl, and Butch. Tell that to the four Einsteins, my handsome crazy stud you. Better still, why not you and the other two just set camp somewhere far away? Let the four die with nobody to get them firewood and food. When they come crawling to you three for mercy, toss them fishbones and laugh at their faces.

Later that day, there are some wild screamings and wailings. There are money and tree-mail in the usual mailbox! Camera pans on High D in blue two-piece bikini. She makes Ally McBeal look obese. They guess that it must be some auction event taking place later that day. Each member is given $500. I assume it's US dollars and not the Brazilian reals. Rat Boy says to screw the food, $500 is more than his life savings.

It is indeed an auction as the Survivors take a seat in a two-tiered wooden seat contraption opposite Jeff Proboscis. The first item he holds up is a piece of cheese cake. High D, the stinky cheese monster she is, grabs it for $120. Next is a mysterious lidded plate which Alex bids for $240. Jeff Proboscis offers another mysterious lidded plate if Alex wants to trade, but Alex wants to keep the original Mysterious Item he's bought. It turns out that he's bought manioc and turned down a plate of steaming lasagna. "I got screwed, but it's all good," he assures his Skank Consort, Jabba.

Mysterious Item #3 goes to Queen Elfreda after a fierce bidding war with Jabba. It turns out to be a big cheeseburger with fries and mayo. Queen Elfreda spreads his arms in a sexy show of Christ-like exuberance - ooh, I'm coverted already - before taking a big bite. Damn, he makes that so sexy he should be banned from chewing things in public. It's indecent. Do it again, my sexy Matteo.

"You shoul due familiar with this," Jeff Proboscis says as he reveals the next item - peanut butter. C Girl bids, but Jabba quickly engages her on a price war with this insane "Die, you stupid deaf bitch!" look on her face that C Girl finally shrugs and lets Jabba have it - for $320. Good for you, C Girl! I enjoy seeing how Jabba have to pay $320 - "the most expensive candy in the world!" Rat Boy crows in the background - for something she strips her dignity unnecessarily for a few weeks back. So Jabba's going rate is $320. Not bad. Not exactly High D Fleiss territory, I think, but a respectable (if overpriced) sum for a skanky two-bit ugly like Jabba.

Butch pays $400 for scrambled eggs, bacon, pancakes, and Mystery Item #4. Jeff Proboscis asks Butch where he wouuld consider the best place to have breakfast. Butch responds by saying he'd love to be in bed beside his wife. So, ta-da, Jeff Proboscis pulls out Mystery Item #4 for Butch - a portable camp bed thing. "Enough for one," Jeff Proboscis tells him. Wanna bet that if High D wins this bid, Jeff will pull back the curtains to reveal a Temptation Island lodge with jacuzzi for her and Jabba to have lesbian sex in, and smash the ratings of this show?

Quickly, we see Rat Boy get a protein bar, Queen Elfreda gets a protein shake, and High D gets a chocolate bar. I will ban anybody that writes to me saying what High D can do with a chocolate bar from visiting this website ever again, so please don't. Then Alex pays $240 for a Mystery Item that turns out to be a huge piece of steak and some baked potatoes. Alex makes scary orgasm noises. High D and Jabba look delighted at the show of onanistic noise pollution, but me, I'm having considerably less fun listening and watching Chimpanzee Number Six of The Planet Of The Apes here going "Ooh-ooh ah-ah eek!" at me from the TV. If I want to see annoying chimpanzees, I'd go to the zoo. At least the chimpanzees there do not annoy me.

Soppy music comes on. Oh this, this means that Jeff Proboscis will be auctioning something sentimental soon, like High D's brain (surely she misses it?). Indeed, Probby holds up a rattan basket filled with cute little satchels marked with each contestant's name. Inside are letters from home. "How much is this worth to you?" Probby asks as the Survivors begin making noises.

Now if I'm one of them, I'd call for all seven of us to beat down Probby and steal the letters from him, but hey, that's just me. The Survivors start bidding. C Girl $80. Jabba $100. And so on until C Girl, who until now has bought nothing outbidded Jabba for the letter at $340. Sold to C Girl. Jabba begins weeping. High D weeps too. High D reach out and touch Jabba. They hug. Excuse me, am I supposed to cry here too? I feel sorry for Jabba's mom, but for all the reprehensible things Jabba did on this show, I am far from being sympathetic to her. I laugh. I hoot and go, "Na na na na, na na na na, hey hey hey, goodbye!" Maybe Jabba should have offered to strip for her letter. C Girl wipes her eye too. Aw, she's such a better woman than I am.

Jeff Proboscis says that this auction is supposed to be fun. So he offers to auction the letters again, but only if C Girl agrees because C Girl paid $340 for her letter. C Girl nods. Aw, nice girl, that one. Me, I'd say yes and then deliberately outbid Jabba again and then rip the letter before Jabba. I'm evil. Hmm, maybe I should try for next season.

Jabba starts the bid at $80.

High D bids $100.

"Why is that stupid woman bidding against her friend?" husband asks me.

Good question. But then again, at this point it should be obvious that High D is a blooming moron.

Jabba gets her letter for $120. She takes the letter and looks directly at Alex and High D and Rat Boy (they are seated at one side) and says, "Thank you guys." She never once looks at C Girl. C Girl mouths "You're welcome".

Back at camp, C Girl runs off to be alone. She sits under a tree and begins reading a six or seven-paged letter from home.

Alex and High D comfort Jabba as Jabba snits at C Girl for daring to bid against her in the first auction. "I'm surprised she did that, but not really," she says churlishly. Look, bitch, C Girl deserves that letter as much as you, and she has the right to get the letter she wants. Hell, she paid $340 for hers while you only paid $120. You don't even thank her for giving you a chance to read your letter, and now you have the nerve to bitch about her? Jabba's sense of entitlement cheeses me off. Remember how she bitches that Dr Dave and Queen Hippodeena when those two won the Reward Challenge? I am starting to think that she bitches and whines when everybody else wins something and she doesn't. If you see her on the street, please go yank her hair for me.

If you have access to Survivor Insider, you will witness an even more repulsive scene that is not shown on TV: these three and Rat Boy start bitching and end up concluding that, in Rat Boy's own words, "The girls said if it there comes up a challenge for a visit from somebody from home. They said that if C Girl tries to win it that there is going to be bloody murder."

C Girl is weeping as she reads a letter from her "close friend" Jennifer. Jennifer says that if the Survivors are treating C Girl badly, C Girl should remember that there is a world out there who is willing to embrace C Girl with kindness. Aww, so that's so sweet. C Girl is okay with that - who isn't - and says that even if she doesn't trust anybody on the tribe now, she's feeling okay.

Queen Elfreda tells the camera that C Girl deserves her letter because these letters "elevate" the "spirits". He thinks that Jabba is being selfish. I think that Queen Elfreda is hot, sexy, intelligent, and look, he's not stupid! The lion is finally awake! I heart Queen Elfreda. I want he and C Girl to be in the Final Two.

Jabba is weeping, but alas, not because someone has accidentally shaved her head bald. Her mother's tumor has shrunk 350%, High D tells me. Insert here tasteless joke about tumors shrinking when Jabba is far, far away. Jabba is carcinogenic, yo. Jabba once again hugs High D and thanks her, Alex, and Rat Boy for "everything". I roll up my eyes in disgust.

Queen Elfreda and Butch are fishing again. Butch is cutting a fish, this time one that doesn't bite. I don't know why they are whispering, maybe they mistake that howler monkey on the tree as High D, but Queen Elfreda is whispering to Butch that they have to get Rat Boy to join them to "give us a more powerful vote". Ding ding, looks like someone is finally playing the game. Of course, what Queen Elfreda is saying is obvious even to six graders playing this game, but at least he's plotting instead of waiting around for eviction. Queen Elfreda points out that Rat Boy is expandable in the Four For Stupid Alliance - I look at hubby at this point and says, "See, I told you he's a sharp one!" - and he can be convinced to join Butch and Queen Elfreda. Butch says that they must think carefully and take their time, just like how he took his time and saw his King Dick alliance crumbled to pieces. Believe in yourself - what a jackass. Queen Elfreda continues, saying that C Girl doesn't trust anybody at this point, but he has had some "great talks" with C Girl and he is sure that he can win her over to their cause. Rat Boy is the important key here, or C Girl, Butch, and Queen Elfreda will be wiped out one by one for the other three.

Ooh, the remaining member of the Amazonian royalty is plotting a counter coup against Skeletor and the Gargoyle Skankies. I like this, I really like this!

Night falls. No spider to eat High D or Jabba, alas.

Morning comes and it's now day twenty-nine. Alex is talking to Rat Boy as the two Gargoyle Skankies sleep nearby. Alex says that Jabba and High D will vote as a bloc and as a result, Alex will have to vote Rat Boy out too. Now, I don't know what possessed this idiot to tell Rat Boy that unless he is so confident - or mad - to believe that Rat Boy will nod gratefully and bend over. Does he think that he and the Gargoyle Skankies are so much better people than the rest that Rat Boy must be eternally grateful that he is even allowed to join their company? And more curiously, why can't Alex vote out Jabba or High D instead of Rat Boy? I guess it isn't just Rat Boy hoping to get a threesome in the Final Three. Whatever it is, Alex is a moron who, like King Dick and Queen Hippodeena, has just shoved a dynamite up his own butt and asks others to light the fuse.

Indeed, Rat Boy is far from joyously accepting like Alex expects him to be. He tells the camera that he has no idea what Alex is doing asking him if Rat Boy is "cool" with Alex and the Gargoyle Skankies voting him out. "Over my dead body," he tells the camera. Maybe he has given those three the impression that he is joyously grateful just to be accepted by them, but he has never stopped playing the game. There is no way is he going to lie down and be given the heave-ho. You hear that, Alex? "Over my dead body!"

A crocodile swims. How come it never eats any of these people? A jaguar swims in the water. Cute kitty.

The Jackanapes have tree mail. "It's SAT!" Rat Boy says as he brings in a box filled with cute note-pad like things. Inside each pad are questions each Survivor must answer. They all walk away to find some quiet place to answer the questions. C Girl sits under her favorite tree and writes in "Alex" as the person least deserving to win this game. Rat Boy says that questions like "Who would you trust with your life?" make him think long enough to have him running to Queen Elfreda.

A python on the tree. Then we see Rat Boy in a secret pow-wow with Queen Elfreda. He comes clean with the man, telling Queen Elfreda about the lies he has told the Queen. "This is the most important conversation between us," Queen Elfreda tells the camera. Rat Boy says that he trusts Queen Elfreda (read: Queen Elfreda is stupid enough) and he doesn't lie to Queen Elfreda anymore. Queen Elfreda appreciates Rat Boy's "honesty". "You're the only person I really trust in this game," he tells Rat Boy, "and Butch. Because he has no other options." See? Queen Elfreda is actually a cunning wise ass smartie who is playing the creepo dunce angle all along! He has cleverly avoided being eliminated all this while, and now that it is time for him to be in charge, he's the man to do it. My hero. What a hottie. What a hunk.

Rat Boy tells Queen Elfreda everything about his former alliance, about Alex's "hubris" and all. This isn't shown on TV, as it's from the subscriber's only video feed from Survivor. But it'll clear a few things better as it is the transcript of the unedited coversation between Rat Boy and Queen Elfreda:

Rat Boy : Who do you see me talking to all day long?

Queen Elfreda: Jabba?

Rat Boy: Jabba, High D, and Alex. That's the four. And Queen Hippodeena was the fifth. That was going to be the final five.

Queen Elfreda: Did they want Queen Hippodeena, too?

Rat Boy: What happened was, Queen Hippodeena - she wanted to get rid of you last time around. That was the plan. You were going to go at the last tribal council.

Queen Elfreda: But I got immunity?

Rat Boy: But what happened was, before that. The day before, Queen Hippodeena said, if Queen Elfreda wins immunity, Alex needs to go. And that fucked everything for her, because the girls went back and told Alex. And I didn't want to vote off Alex either. And Alex said, "We'll still vote off Queen Elfreda. But if Queen Elfreda wins immunity, then Queen Hippodeena's going to get kicked off." But then that changed. Everybody has grown to like you and see how hard you work. And if Queen Hippodeena sticks around, She is going to cause all the shit to hit the fan in the camp. That was the day of the reward challenge when you came in second to Alex. Then that next day, Queen Hippodeena decided, "Forget about voting Queen Elfreda, Alex needs to go." So both of them changed their minds and both of them decided the other needed to go. Both of them thought that me, High D, and Jabba were going to vote with them. Then what happened, you won immunity, ironically enough. And Queen Hippodeena lost to you, sealing her own fate.

Queen Elfreda: I thought everyone was still, like, behind me, but in reality, it would have been me.

Rat Boy: And it's supposed to be you tomorrow. Now, I've sworn my all to the four. They've been very arrogant. They've already decided that they are the final four.

Queen Elfreda: Which four are they?

Rat Boy: Alex, Jabba, High D, and myself. Those are the four. What sealed it for me this morning was when we overheard Alex and High D talking. I have the most to lose here. Number one if Alex wins immunity, I don't know what we're going to do. I guess we can vote off one of the girls. I'll tell you and Butch this right now. When I betray those three in the shelter, when they are on the jury, there is no way they are going to vote for me. I am basically giving someone a free ticket to whoever brings me into the final two.

Queen Elfreda: Without Alex, dude, I have the strength to win any physical immunity. I do. They have totally secluded themselves.

Rat Boy: They're arrogant and Alex has done about 10 things in this game. He said, "Once Dr Dave and King Dick are out, I'll step aside. You guys go ahead." He keeps saying that, but he's never going to do it. This is what makes me so mad...that the girls are so mad at C Girl yesterday that she bid on the letters against them.

Queen Elfreda: They're spoiled.

Rat Boy: The girls said if it there comes up a challenge for a visit from somebody from home. They said that if C Girl tries to win it that there is going to be bloody murder. This is how they feel about the game. That you C Girl and Butch are so lucky to be here. That we're just stringing you guys along. It's like a Greek drama - these guys are arrogant, and I was going along with them, because that was...

Queen Elfreda: You're riding it.

Rat Boy: Yeah. You tell me what you want me to swear.

Queen Elfreda: Swear that we get to the Final Four.

Rat Boy: I swear that we will get to the Final Four.

Queen Elfreda: You're the only person who's ever done that with me.

Rat Boy: It's not charity and who deserves the money more.

Queen Elfreda: Jabba and High D, what have they done?

Rat Boy: They don't do any work. They just talk about how they deserve the money and blah blah blah.

Queen Elfreda: My last question is C Girl. That's the one thing we have to work on. Butch is fine.

Rat Boy: C Girl hates those guys.

Queen Elfreda: Great, so you can speak to C Girl first.

Rat Boy: Yeah I'll talk to C Girl.

Queen Elfreda: What do you think are the chances of our group winning this immunity challenge based on what happened today. Do you feel comfortable?

Rat Boy: I think I have a good chance of winning this. Here's the thing. Those three, they all put themselves for each thing. They only know what they're thinking. Do you think Jabba and High D know what you think about anybody? Do you think they know what C Girl is thinking? I think I have the best chance. I have a working relationship with each player. I have a good memory. And, you know what? They don't even know what I think and I am in their alliance.

Queen Elfreda: Let's do it. Let's be tight. This is going to work. I'm excited.

Rat Boy: If C Girl, Butch and Queen Elfreda don't see things my way I can get screwed here. They can go to Alex, High D, and Jabba and tell them of my shenanigans in this Queen Elfredaer. If that happens, I am going to go home tomorrow night.I am going to try to win immunity.. That is the ultimate insurance policy in this plan.

Back to what we get to see on TV: Queen Elfreda tells the camera that he is "appalled" at the "audacity" of "some players" to assume that they have already won the game.

Rat Boy approaches C Girl. He says that C Girl is a "sweet girl who doesn't fit in into the group". He sits beside C Girl and grins. C Girl grins back very sweetly - "What are you looking at?" She really has an amazing smile that lights up the camera. Why isn't she given more screen time? Why oh why do we see so much more of the Gargoyle Skankies instead? Again, let's check into the Survivor Insider for the actual, unedited conversation between these two:

Rat Boy: I don't like the way the three of them act. They were so mad at you yesterday because you bid against Jabba and High D on the letter. They both ate something and they were pissed.

C Girl: So are you thinking of trying to get Butch, Queen Elfreda, you and me to vote Jabba?

Rat Boy: To vote Alex:

C Girl: I'm all for it.

Rat Boy: I knew you would be.

C Girl: I don't think he plays fair, personally. And f**k Jabba for thinking she's pissed off. (Whoa, language! - Mrs G) I wanted the letter just as much as she did, so whatever. I mean I didn't even get any food.

Rat Boy: Basically, I'm telling you that I would get kicked off tomorrow if you said something to the three of them. And really all it would do would push back when you get voted off. I've already spoken to Queen Elfreda. And Queen Elfreda says it's going to come down to Butch. I knew you would do it. I know I'll do it. Queen Elfreda will do it. He's with me.

C Girl: If Alex wins immunity?

Rat Boy: Then we have to get rid of one of the girls, but that's going to be very messy, because Alex is going to have a fit.

C Girl: Well that's fine, let him have a fit.

Rat Boy: So that's what has to happen. I think it's going to work. I hope that Butch isn't loyal to Alex. Just look around at the four people who talk all day. Does anyone talk to Butch about strategy?

C Girl: No.

Rat Boy: I let those two girls know that I thought they were so beautiful.

C Girl: Keep it up, because you fooled me.

Rat Boy: I don't think the person who wins this game. It should be the person who plays the best.

C Girl: So then, thank you, thank you, Rat Boy is smart and really knows the game and wants to win the game the right way. He realized that these three other people may not get him all the way through. He wants to win. But I think he wants to win the game the right way. So he is, hopefully (crosses her fingers in both hands) going to break that alliance. He came up to me and said I really want to get Alex out. And I said, "Dude, I'm with you" because Alex. I could care less about him. He is just drooling over High D and Jabba and thinks he is hot stuff. It's just like, c'mon! I want him out of here. And Rat Boy was like, "Cool." Thank you Rat Boy for winning the immunity challenge. He deserved to win the immunity challenge. That saved us, hopefully. But then again, I don't know. Can you really trust Rat Boy? He is really saying that just to make us think we have a chance? Or is he just trying to stir up something? I won't know until we get the vote tonight.

It is night when we see the Survivors gathered around Jeff Proboscis for the Immunity Challenge. Earlier today, he has collected the little quizzes from the Survivors and tally up the answers. Now, he will ask them the questions and each Survivor must guess the answer given by the majority. First person to gets five correct wins the Cheap Fishbait Necklace.

First question, whom they will trust with their lives? Correct answer: Butch. That's a good one - wait, they're serious? Good grief. Butch answers himself, same with Rat Boy and Jabba. One point for each.

Who uses sex appeal as a weapon? Correct answer: Jabba. Jabba answers High D. Correct answers from High D, Queen Elfreda, C Girl, and Alex all give them one points. So now everybody is tied at one. Jeff Proboscis asks Jabba if she is aware of people seeing her using her sex appeal as a weapon. Jabba wonders if people think she's "sleazy" or "if it's cool". Try pathetic instead. She shrugs - it's all by accident, she says. Yes, Chernobyl is an accident too.

Who is the most honest? Queen Elfreda correctly guesses himself as do, er, nobody else. So he's leading by two points.

Who will not survive out here on their own? Gee, tough one. Jabba chooses Rat Boy, but C Girl, Butch, Queen Elfreda, and Rat Boy correctly guess that Jabba is the answer. "You can't survive here on your own, and you use sex appeal as a weapon," Jeff Proboscis slams on Jabba as the world cheer him on.

Who needs therapy? Everybody knows it's Queen Elfreda. "I'm in a mood swing," he says with a grin that's pure sex personified. "Everybody thinks I'm crazy. What can I say?" Ooh, I can think of plenty, but I'll shut up now. Queen Elfreda leads with four points, Rat Boy next with three, and everyone else with two.

Who would you like to see pose nude? Queen Elfreda, Dr Dave, and Danny Boy, naturally. But the correct answer is High D, much to her delight. Out here on the Amazons, their eyesight and brainpower rot day by day. High D answers Jabba, Jabba High D. Jeff Proboscis forces Jabba to admit that High D is as pretty as she is. She says it through gritted teeth as if someone will pull off her fingernails one by one if she doesn't. She so hates High D now, heh. Queen Elfreda and Rat Boy now tied at four points each.

Who do you have a crush on? Everyone guesses correctly (High D) except for Queen Elfreda, who deliberately answers himself and hands Rat Boy the immunity. It's a risky gamble, because this shows that he trusts Rat Boy but at the same time, Rat Boy can easily stab Queen Elfreda back. Queen Elfreda needs the immunity.

"About time," Jabba calls out as Probby puts the necklace around Rat Boy's neck. She will soon regret those words.

"Who would've thought you're the most in touch with the tribe?" Probby wonders aloud. "You lead the tribe," he tells Rat Boy and Rat Boy announces that it's the best day of his life. And yes, it's going to be the best episode of this season too. The other three have no idea what is coming next.

Day thirty. We see the crocodile banner of the Jackanapes and then at a crocodile wondering why the camera keep chasing after her. Alex tells the Gargoyle Skankies to vote out Queen Elfreda. He tells the camera that Queen Elfreda is too big a physical threat - "Won't pass five!" and sneers and raises a finger to the air as he mocks that Queen Elfreda should have tried harder last night. High D giggles. I giggle. That cocky hubris-laden bastard will really scream like a spitted chicken on a roast when Rat Boy stabs him good in the back.

Rat Boy says that his vote will see a "very important power swing". He can vote with the other Four For Stupid and secure himself a guaranteed final four or vote with the ragtag trio and earn the enmity of four members of the Jury (assuming Rat Boy will be in the Final Two like he dreamed of doing). What to do, what to do?

Actually, Rat Boy has burned so many bridges, he's the perfect person to take to the Final Two. Nobody will vote for himself unless the other person is even more disagreeable to the Jury, which at this point of the game is hard to find.

Queen Elfreda examines the sharp fangs of a dead fish. C Girl walks up to him and he comments that the fish is like a prehistoric type. "So you've spoken to Rat Boy?" he asks her. She nods. "Good. Be very quiet," he tells her. She gives him a thumbs up sign. I love this show. Skeletor and the Gargoyle Skankies are going down, baby, down, down, down, and I can't wait!

Queen Elfreda tells the camera that despite what he has told Rat Boy about loyalty and rot, he is well aware that Rat Boy has jumped alliances three times now, leaving daggers at the back of the unwary Survivors that he has betrayed. Queen Elfreda is onto Rat Boy - ooh. Actually, I don't see how this Rat Boy/Queen Elfreda alliance can benefit C Girl and Butch, but let's just live day by day and worry about tomorrow when Alex and the Skankies are gone. Viva la revolution!

Night falls over the Tribal Council. Dr Dave and Queen Hippodeena walk in, and is it me or Queen Hippodeena has put on fifty pounds while tucked away at the Loser Lodge? Jeff Proboscis congratulates the seven Survivors on making it this far and asks their views on their thirty day stay here. Queen Elfreda says that he has a rough start, but he's still here today, and there's no one more surprised than he. High D says that the first week is a wreck, but hey, she's still here so it's pretty good. Jeff Proboscis tells Alex that he still looks good. I spewed my drink all over the living room. C Girl says that she has lasted this long, so the last few days were a piece of cake.

Probby notices a heart chalked on Jabba's cheek and a star on High D's cheek. High D giggles like a vapid Probby fangirl - it's a sun, not a star, hee-hee. Eeuw. Probby asks the Skankies whether it is a wise move to display their tight bond to the other members. Jabba says that at this stage of the game, other members have close bonds too (yeah, bonds formed because they are all united against you, skankie) - so this heart-and-sun thing doesn't Queen Elfredaer. Butch, hoping to remind people that he's actually still in the game, speaks for the second time in an hour in that he agrees with Jabba.

Rat Boy says that interpersonal relationship isn't all there is to this game: you have to be aware of what everyone else is thinking in this game. Read my mind then, Rat Boy: you are a treacherous loser. But I must admit, you make this season worth watching.

Probby asks Alex if he will be surprised to be voted out tonight. "Very surprised," Alex says confidently, and High D agrees. C Girl says she won't be surprised if she gets voted out tonight. I'm surprised Probby manages to keep a straight face at Alex's answer.

Time to vote.

C Girl votes for Alex. They didn't show this on TV, but Survivor Insider viewers will hear her say this: "I don't want him in the tribe anymore. I don't like being around him. I think the tribe would be better without him. Please go, get out of here." The tribe will be better without High D, Jabba, and Rat Boy, but hey, one at a time, right?

Jabba for Queen Elfreda.

Queen Elfreda for Alex. He sounds like some Chinese wartime philosopher - his unedited conversation from Survivor Insider is this: "He crossed me once, I forgave him, he crossed me twice, I offered reconciliation. Thought we could make a great team. He rejected every effort I made to work things out with him and become his friend. He's very deceptive. He's made things very difficult from day one. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. Just want to remind him that while I was voted most honest, that does mean that I am most naive. His reign is over."

Butch - Alex.

High D - Queen Elfreda. It's hard to tell if she spelled "Queen Elfreda" correctly - the two Ts looked like a H to give "Mah" instead. Judging from this moron's spelling ability ("Gene", "Denna"), I won't be surprised if she spelled "Queen Elfreda" as "Mah".

Alex - Queen Elfreda. He writes the other man's name down as "Matteo". Queen Elfreda's a threat, et cetera.

Rat Boy - ALEX. All in caps. Woo-hoo! Here's his speech that we never see on TV: "I've watched a lot of gangster movies in my time and I know if loyalty is lost, it's often the poor soul's best friend who makes the hit. Mi dispiace."

Bye Alex - don't let the door hit your slutty skank ass on the way out! Woo-hoo! First that Carmurp Goat Girl gets eliminated from American Idol 2 and now Alex is gone from this show. This week is a week of good TV. Rat Boy puts on an exaggerated shocked expression, his hand covering his mouth, but I don't think the remaining Gargoyle Skankies are fooled, judging from their looks of pure bitter venom at the other Survivors. C Girl grins openly. Butch nods quietly as always in satisfaction, and Queen Elfreda strokes his chin, triumphant as a new order reigns once again over Amazon. Of course, seeing how power shifts from person to person day by day, I won't be so sure as to what next week will bring.

Before YouTube, recapping music videos is totally a thing and not a waste of time. Really..

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