SURVIVOR

Amazon Episode 8: Sleeping with the Enemy

Poor Dr Dave. He just doesn't get it. He sticks to an alliance of useless old twits, is handed a golden opportunity when Jabba blabs all during their unsexy Temptation Island rendezvous, stupidly plots the ouster Jeanne instead of High D whom he knows is a core member of the Pretty Princesses alliance, and now, well, stupidly adheres to rigid tribal lines when the gameplan has shifted and the lower dogs of the former Tampa Queen Version 1.0 have aligned themselves with Queen Hippodeena's court to seize a bigger portion of the power play. He has the game, but he loses it. This is the story of a rocket scientist who ignites the loins of folks into hot guys everywhere but loses grip of the throttle and eventually, the game.

Welcome to Dr Dave Mashes The Wrong Throttle. Credits, please. Ugly oogly wah-yeh wah-yeh hey-yeh, et cetera. (Gee, that stork sure can move its beak pretty fast.)

Happy music pipes in as we see a cute toucan on a tree. That sloth is so cute! Human Survivors are not. It's day twenty-two. The Jackanapes are gleeful over the dethronement of King Dick yesterday night, except for Butch and Dr Dave who sit around with a rat-in-a-cat-barbecue-party look on their faces. Queen Hippodeena takes up what I presume to be King Dick's abandoned dirty gray Y-fronts - I hope she boils her fingers afterwards - and tosses it between the branches of a tree as everyone else hoots in glee. I wonder if they know that they come off like worshippers of King Dick's stained and dirty undies, which I'm sure is something they don't want to be seen doing. Rat Boy hoots a funeral dirge as Queen Hippodeena tells the camera proudly that Miss Bitch Public Attorney here is in control. "Pride", "fall", you fill in the blanks. It's bound to happen, Queen Hippodeena. Those turncoats that you use to ouster King Dick will easily turn on you as well. It's their way. She adds that her panties are on fire and she is going 120 miles per hour. Ohmigosh, Hippodeena porn on TV!

Dr Dave sighs dramatically. It's the unpredictable nature of the game, he laments, giving his hangdog sexy come-hither look onto the camera. No one knows what is going on, he sighs. Correction, rocket man: you don't know what is going on. How you, King Dick, and Butch could overlook last three day's open show of derision and revolt from the other Jackanapes in your bubble of hubris is beyond my comprehension. I can understand the assumption that old tribal lines still stand after the merge, but I cannot understand how King Dick and you can assume that a skeletor gay-friendly guy, an openly weaselly rat, and a machete-loving psycho whom you all have openly pegged as lower rung members will happily let you top dogs walk back in and assume control after the merge. Unlike King Dick, Queen Hippodeena offers them a chance to move up the hierarchy, however illusionary the offer may be, and they rightfully seize that offer. Do you really assume that the Consolidarity of the Penis will really be strong enough to keep everyone together?

Butch and Dr Dave meet together to cut down wood to build their coffins. Oh, no, not really, they are cutting down wood for the tribe. Instead of discussing strategy, they seem resigned to their fates. Sexy Dr Dave leaps and hugs a really tall tree and damn, those shorts almost fall off but they don't. All those muscles fluidly moving as he climbs that tree? Never mind the Freudian thing that is Dr Dave climbing a tall, huge trunk, but ooh, those muscles! Who's up for some Amazonian monkey love?

Unknown to Dr Dave, there are a bunch of gaping freaks watching him perform the Great Amazonian He-Man Stud Pose on the tree. Rat Boy is almost incoherent in his bitter envy as he sneers that Dr Dave deliberately chooses the tallest tree to molest when it will be easier to violate any of the shorter trees around the camp site. Dr Dave's just showing off to the gaping ladies, Rat Boy sputters - Dr Dave is so virile, gorgeous, charismatic, and hot, Rat Boy is all but exploding from sheer jealousy. Rat Boy reiterates that Dr Dave must go - he only trusts Jabba, High D, Queen Hippodeena, Alex, and Queen Elfreda in this game. Which, if you ask me, is a stupid thing to do - how could any sane person trust the scheming Queen Hippodeena and the Pretty Princesses?

The others part for Dr Dave and Butch as they carry the wood they have cut down for the tribe. Dr Dave says that he comes here to play as himself, and while he knows that his time is up, he hopes that the others will recognize him as a hard worrker and they'll keep him around a little longer. Putting your fate in the hands of a bunch of hyenas is not a good idea, Mr Rocket Scientist.

It's time for The Silence Of The Elfredas. Chime a grandfather clock death knell here as the skree! skree! of Queen Elfreda's sharpening his machete - the perfect music to my ears. Kill 'em all, my dark, handsome psycho! Jabba frowns while Rat Boy says uh oh, Queen Elfreda is sharpening his machete again. C Girl makes an exaggerated wah-wah-scary "cree-peee!" look and says that she is really getting creeped out by Queen Elfreda's vacant look as he just sits on his butt and sharpens that machete for hours each time. Then again, who wouldn't do the same when stuck in this tribe? Rat Boy is certain that Queen Elfreda will murder them all. Nah, the dark handsome psycho says, he won't hurt anybody because he is quite scared at the sight of blood himself. The world groans in disappointment. Alex says that no one is comfortable around Queen Elfreda - um, don't worry, hon, I don't think skinny Skeletor you is on my handsome demon boy's menu any time soon.

Queen Elfreda's evil grin. The sexy way he jams that machete on a piece of wood. The inexplicable way he keeps that neat goatee of his when everyone else is having problems with grooming. What a hunk. I think I'm in love. Dr Dave who? I hope he's just playing at being stupid, because the man's impressive bio suggests that he is more worldly than this socially inept Mowgli facade he is putting on. If only he and C Girl can recognize each other as tribe outsiders and form the Machete Babe Alliance, then we'll be talking about a great show.

We follow the Survivors to a clearing where Mark Burnetto and company have cheerfully spoil the environment by digging a pool and filling it with muddy water. WWF should really consider writing a strongly worded letter to Burnetto. First the Pretty Princesses and Rat Boy and now this. It just will not do. Jeff Proboscis, in faded health and khakis, announces that for this Reward Challenge, the players will first be separated into teams of three (selected by drawing lots). They will be tied to each other and to a pole at one end of the pool via a bungee cord. There are five flags in each row, each flag farther away from the starting point. The teams will have to wade in, grab all five flags, and shove it into the wooden plinth thing at the starting point. The winning team will then compete against each other.

Since this time budgeting must be tight, instead of some car or a product-placement relaxation thing, the winner will get to reuse the Temptation Island jungle shack, soak in a tub of cold water, and eat some ice cream. There's nobody to even make the banana split - the winner will have to do it himself. Still, ice cream is ice cream and the Survivors obligingly go all ooh and wow.

C Girl, Rat Boy, and Butch make up the Green Team, while Dr Dave, Queen Hippodeena, and Alex are the Purple Team. Meanwhile, like a set-up for Psycho III, Queen Elfreda is paired with the Pretty Princesses to form, appropriately enough, the Red Team. Then Probby gives the go signal and then the freaks are all scrambling and wading forward. How the bungee rope doesn't eviscerate the twigs that are Jabba and High D, I can't imagine. I can't imagine why Burnetto doesn't make it such that every time they stumble, the bungee cord snaps back and they are sent flying all the way to the start of the pool. Won't that be more fun than to see these freaky people splashing in brownish water? Still, watching the Survivors impersonating malnourished buffaloes aren't that much of a waste of time - Queen Elfreda manages to grab one flag and smacks Jabba and High D in the eye with it. I'm sure it's accidental. Who would want to smack those lovely Pretty Princesses in the eye? Jabba's bikini bottom is falling off. Thankfully, she pulls it up so we don't have to see Jabba's Dark Place.

The Green Team has a bright idea of the men pulling at the rope while C Girl grunts and pushes herself forward. Needless to say, they lose badly. Dr Dave grabs the last flag and his team wins - woo.

Then it's Dr Dave, Alex, and Queen Hippodeena all against each other. Wet Dr Dave. His shorts are falling off. I can see the moon from the back and those lovely pubic arches at the front. Why don't they make these three compete naked like the Greeks used to do during the Olympics? I hate this show. Alex makes a disappointed face when Dr Dave wins. The rocket scientist climbs up the mud pool to Jeff Proboscis even as his shorts climb down. How they manage to stay on that man is something I suggest Dr Dave himself look into when he's back at wiping rocket windows or whatever he is really doing for a living.

He can choose someone to share the reward with him, so he chooses Queen Hippodeena. He says something about "I have to offer my delectable body to her royal highness so that I can humbly beg her to let me stay and serve her for life", but I think I probably hear it wrongly. I'm too busy chanting for those shorts to fall off, but in the end, I think I'm not religious enough to get my prayers granted.

Queen Hippodeena is overjoyed. She runs up to Dr Dave and throws herself at him. I mean, hands flinging and high-pitched "Thank you!" and everything. She's a shameless hussy. I don't blame her. I'll claim to be possessed by the spirit of the Great Amazonian Sloth and refuse to uncling myself from Dr Dave if I even get the chance to throw myself at him.

Birds fly. We see Jeff Proboscis now leading our gruesome twosome to that Temptation Island pornucopia big wooden hut thing. What we didn't see is that the moment Dr Dave chooses Queen Hippodeena, Mark Burnetto's men quickly order a separate tub brought it. After all, Queen Hippodeena has thighs and well-rounded curves. If she and Dr Dave get into the same tub like no doubt Burnetto is hoping Dr Dave or any of the Pretty Princesses would (right now he must be cursing Dr Dave for picking Queen Hippodeena), audience will just die because we're all fragile about cellulite and other traumatic uglies like that. My hubby gets a whack in the head with the cushion for suggesting that maybe they need separate tubs because the Queen is, er, quite a rotund lady who needs all the space she gets.

The gruesome twosome are given brownies, sundae, banana, some alcohol, and some cold water for the bath tub. This is quite a sorry reward. At least the elephant ride last season sees the winners getting served by waitresses. Here they have to make their own banana split with ice cream that is already starting to melt. Again, Queen Hippodeena hugs Dr Dave. I am really starting to dislike her. Dr Dave eats the strawberry ice cream while the woman eats the chocolate ice cream. She begs to be slapped because she thinks this can't be real. I wish. They all laugh hysterically. I wonder what Burnetto put in those ice cream.

Clothes fall down two fat legs. Hippodeena? No, it's Dr Dave! Gosh, where did he get those big round tree trunks for legs? (Maybe it comes from the exercising of those hips. Yowza.) I don't like whatever they do to make the water muddy just right where over the gloriously naked Dr Dave should really be naked, if you know what I mean. Dr Dave is muttering as he reaches down to, er, do something, upon which he turns his head to one side and mutters what seems like a expletive. Then he reaches down again. Dr Dave, what are you doing?!!

Then he pulls up what seems like a loofah. He's been squeezing his loofah. A real loofah, complete with foamy white cream and all. I tell you, Burnetto is really pulling all stops to turn this show into a porn circus. I don't know how they do it, but Dr Dave and Queen Hippodeena manage to lie down in their respective tubs until only their heads and feet are sticking out. They both look like ugly sausages with heads and feet. Dr Dave tells Queen Hippodeena to admit that she wants him and they both start cackling and caterwauling like diabolical hyenas.

He says that it doesn't take a "proverbial rocket scientist" to know that he's fonked but he tells the Queen that he would like to stay around. I'm insulted. Is that how a desperate stud beg for penance? How about bending over the shower and offering his butt for a big bite from the Queen's gaping maw? Because Dr Dave's offer is less than tempting, the Queen says that Dr Dave is perceived as a threat so she can't really promise anything. The only way they can save him, she says, is by diverting the tribe's attention to Queen Elfreda (ooh, royal bitchfight ahead!). "I'll see what I can do," she says noncomittantly. Dr Dave still doesn't get the hint, damn. Look, Mr Rocket Scientist, ask not what the Queen can do, but ask how you can do the Queen. That's the way to play this game!

Back in at the Jackanapes camp, High D bitches that it is not fair that Dr Dave gets to bathe twice in a row. It is not fair that I see to her her naked, albeit pixellated, Gollum skank-ass nudity but I can't even get a glimpse of Dr Dave in Speedos, but do you see me bitching about it on TV? No, so shut up, you scrawny walking bad boob-job monster, or we will steal the pre-ssssssiousss ring from you forever. The camera does a close up on the leaky saline bag scars on her chest. The cameraman hates her. The camera is my new friend. They decide to put on a lesbian show for the guys. "We don't need the fat," Jabba says, and this is what she will say when she freezes to death on day thirty because she has gone emaciated to the point of no return. She tugs up her bikini bottom and also High D's. Skank-o-villes in Amazon, take one.

Rat Boy calls those two "Sticks" and "Twigs". I like it, ooh! He spies on the gals bathing and soaping each other's butt and boobs. Don't feel guilty, Rat Boy, I'm made to watch too. If you have cleaned yourself up, please crawl under the sofa and see if my eyes are there where I rip out of my sockets in horror when Jabba starts giving High D a wedgie-pie. And what is he doing spying on them bathing? This is so pathetic - a guy who gets women drunk to take advantage of them, a guy lives with a karaoke machine in his parents' basement and right now the guy with the biggest natural breasts in Jackanapes, and now a guy who spies on Sticks and Twigs? Can anyone say "Skeeve McSkank"?

He says that those two bathe each other, putting on a show, and wonders if he will ever get them to pay attention to them. One day they will, Rat Boy, when they realize that you have bigger breasts, and then they will group-smack you back to the ugly parade. He accuses those dubious ladies of using their sexuality to play this game. Ooh, I didn't know that. Thanks for informing me, Einstein. I thought they were just comfy nudists from Gollum Country. He's aware of their game, and even when he hasn't tuned his bugle in weeks - those six times he is caught raping poor defenseless capibaras notwithstanding - he will think with his big head.

Camera pans to Rat Boy squeezing manioc balls hard, He-Man macho display of male sexual frustration. Uuuuhhh! Watch out, capibaras, Rat Boy is coming to get all of you with his puny Bugle of Terror!

Between Rat Boy and the Jabba High D Skankorama, this is evidence of why inbreeding is bad and must be stopped.

Then Dr Dave comes back with his Queen. Rat Boy is seething with jealousy. But the envy of the other Jackanapes come to full boil when the two idiots demand a share of that night's manioc balls and fish as well. "I'm hungry," Queen Hippodeena insists. "Screw you, fat pig," Jabba tells the camera. Someone give Miss Skeletor here a mirror, please. Dr Dave tries to downplay their day away by saying that the ice cream was melted and there wasn't many of that anyway, but Jabba still complains that those two pigs are greedy monsters for eating dinner. Because we all know only cute skinny girls eat ice cream once a day to be full, and that's before the obligatory puking into the toilet bowl when Mom and Dad are not looking. Keep reminding the Queen how greedy she is, Jabba, and if we're lucky, she'll eat you next.

Night time. Dr Dave cuddles up to High D. They hold hands. They cuddle closer. He is sleeping on her fun bags. It must be like those Indian swami test of stamina thing - if you can't find a bed of nails, you will have to make do with a bed of jutting ribs and rock-hard cement breasts instead. Dr Dave is paying penance for his sins, awww. Rat Boy is jealous. He is envious. He doesn't like someone in his alliance "sleeping with the enemy". Oh come on, Rat Boy, why be jealous? Dr Dave will one day learn how much you really love him and he will ditch that skank and marry you. He will buy you pretty dresses and that lovely strap-on (the one with frilly pink ribbons at the base like you always wanted) and the both of you will live happily ever after in Lameass Land.

Morning. Day twenty-three. A crocodile expresses her revulsion at the American imports polluting her home. Flies buzz around a lazing crocodile's eye. Flies buzz around Rat Boy's head as well as High D's. Rat Boy calls his hair the Studio 54 for the bugs - to the horror of the gay community who is right now screaming bloody murder at such an insult. He wonders why the flies are there - there's no food in his hair, surely? Jabba has the flies too. Duh, Rat Boy, here's why the flies like you: the cavernous echoes in the skulls of all three of you useless wretched waste of carbon and oxygen sound like a mating call for the six-legged nasties.

Queen Elfreda says he values Rat Boy for teaching him how to play this game. He admits that he is clueless and Rat Boy is like his font of information. Rat Boy says that he is basically talking nonsense to Queen Elfreda, creating a hoax of an all-boy coalition out to topple down the rest and how Rat Boy will bring Queen Elfreda to the Final Three with him. Rat Boy says that he is fibbing Queen Elfreda because he doesn't want Queen Elfreda to grow a clue and betray the Five For Stupid Alliance (Jabba, Rat Boy, Alex, High D, and Queen Hippodeena). He adds that he is putting his life on the line, because if Matteo the Machete Monster here finds out - erk. He wants Queen Elfreda gone soon.

Immunity Challenge time: "The Masks Of Dorian Gray". The Jackanapes find masks and boxes filled with paints and brushes. They are going to decorate the paint masks the way they think they look like. Dr Dave paints his mask as someone who's on the block. High D paints an eerie resemblance to Gollum - wait, that's really her. My bad, oops. They all bring their masks to a clearing where Jeff Proboscis awaits, stand in line, their masks before them, and I'm struck by how much prettier the masks are compared to the people carrying them.

The contestants are ordered to place their masks on some wooden structure. There is a log hovering over the mask and when the three knots holding the log in place are cut, the log will swing and smash the hut the pieces. Probby will ask some trivia questions and the ones that get them right can cut a knot that holds the log in place. The person left standing among the broken shards of the other masks wins immunity.

This leaves Dr Dave and Queen Elfreda no chance at all to save themselves. How nice.

Question one, Probby mumbles a word I can't catch and asks what the heck it is. It's an energy drink. Queen Hippodeena, Dr Dave, Alex, and Queen Elfreda get them correct. Dr Dave cuts Queen Elfreda, Queen Hippodeena also Queen Elfreda. Queen Elfreda cuts Dr Dave, and Alex followed. Question two, what should you do when an alligator attacks you. Use High D and Jabba to prop its mouth open like they way they do in those movies, duh. Nope, Jeff Proboscis reveals that you have to get it to turn over onto its back, poke its eyes, and punches it snout. Queem Hippodeena, Dr Dave, C Girl, Alex, and High D apparently are the only ones who have read The Survival Guide Handbook. "Spare me!" Queen Elfreda says but High D's cut sends him packing from the game. Queen Elfreda's last cut sends Dr Dave to the loser bench with him. "Sorry, Alex," Dr Dave says, cutting Alex before he leaves. Queen Hippodeena cuts Alex. C Girl takes down Alex too before punching Queen Hippodeena's fist. Alex's out. "Welcome to the morgue," Queen Elfreda tells him. Did I tell you that Queen Elfreda's my new Macabre Psycho Boyfriend? His goatee is so hot.

Jeff Proboscis asks what a bushmaster is. Rat Boy thinks it's a porn star, and Probby looks totally disgusted. He is no doubt wishing that he is back in his darling Colby's arms, away from these losers. Alex laughs at Rat Boy's sad attempt at humor. Actually, the bushmaster is a viper. Hmm, maybe Rat Boy isn't that wrong after all. Scary thought, that. Queen Hippodeena, High D, Jabba, and C Girl know all about vipers - gee, why is it that only the women get this question right? - and so Queen Hippodeena cuts Rat Boy, High D follows, Jabba cuts Butch, and C Girl sends Rat Boy home. "Ouch!" Rat Boy says. "Ouch!" C Girl replies. Butch cuts Jabba. "I'm fine," Jabba says defiantly to that.

Probby points out that High D and C Girl are the only ones left with all their knots intact.

Jeff Probby asks if bushmen use "primitive weapons", AK-47, or High D's ribcage to hunt animals. All get it right. High D cuts Butch. Butch cuts High D. "Feels good, doesn't it?" Probby asks him. Butch agrees only to wail dramatically when Jabba finishes him off. C Girl cuts Queen Hippodeena, and the Queen recipocrates.

Probby asks if the Amazon river is the longest in the world. Duh, nope. Again, everyone left gets that correct. C Girl cuts High D, Queen Hippodeena and High D finish C Girl off, and Jabba finishes Queen Hippodeena. "She's not a threat. She's already won the necklace. We share the necklace," Jabba says. Yes, she's all for sharing - she kicks off Shameless and next week she cozies up with Shameless' sloppy seconds. Jabba is the true Queen of the Heathers Prom.

So it's a showdown between High D and Jabba, two idiots who end up here by answering the least number of questions correctly. Stupid people win on this show, damn. If this is a foreshadowing of the Final Two, the show will go under because this will be even worse than when InVeeSible wins Marquesas.

Both of them correctly identify some Brazilian thingie as a fish, and since High D has two cuts while Jabba has only one, High D's out. Jabba wins immunity. Everyone is in stunned silence, including me, because I'm still trying to figure out just what did Probby mean when he tells her that she has "earned" the immunity.

I'll say this here: this is the lamest Immunity Challenge ever. Burnetto, the next time I suggest we really do one where the contestants don't win by standing there and gawking stupidly. I hate you. I hate this show. I hate the Pretty Princesses. The sloth is very cute though.

Day twenty four. Don't worry about the big time jump. I'm sure they are saving those "exciting scintillating scenes" for the obligatory recap recrap episode.

Everyone is just sulking and standing or walking around. Then Queen Elfreda jumps up and lops off Jabba's head with his machete, and then we fly him to Geneva where he is given a medal of honor. Okay, he instead cuts his shoes to make sandals out them, or in his own words, "MacGyvering them into a pair of sandals". Cute. He's my boyfriend. C Girl says that he is really creeping her out and she wants to vote him out because she can't stand living around him any longer. He creeps her out, unlike Rat Boy who leers and spies on women bathing, a Skeletor Alex and his increasing resemblance to Chimpanzee Number 5 from Planet Of The Apes, abd the two gargoyles that are the Pretty Princesses.

Dr Dave takes off his pants and walks around in Speedos in an attempt to win sympathy votes. Since his shirt blocks everything, no wonder he doesn't get any. Since he doesn't bend over for Alex, Alex just grunts and flat out tells Dr Dave that the King Dick association and Dr Dave's astounding virility threaten Alex too much. Alex tells the camera that he doesn't want to compete against Dr Dave anymore.

Queen Hippodeena, Jabba, and Rat Boy secret meeting. Rat Boy talks about High D and Dr Dave cozying up. Jabba says she isn't sure about Dr Dave and High D's "personal feelings". I'd say they are personally feeling each other pretty cozy at night, but hey, I'm just a viewer.

In a parallel to the High D/Dr Dave meeting two episodes back, this time it is Dr Dave asking High D for a sympathy vote. Jeanne must be laughing hysterically at this scene. The ever reliably moronic High D tells him that she isn't sure if Dr Dave's going ("50/50") but encourages him to think of that 50/50 as a positive outlook. This woman is a teacher? No wonder kids are so stupid nowadays.

Since there's really nothing much to show anymore - Dr Dave is gone, what else is there? - the show quickly fast forwards to night. We see body doubles walking across a narrow beam. Ha, ha, ha, very funny, Burnetto. We see these body doubles making their way up a long winding set of stone steps to what seems to be the Tribal Temple of Doom. As if I will believe that these idiots will actually climb those stairs without screaming for a forklift to help them up.

"Hello guys," Probby greets them.

Queen Elfreda talks about forming genuine friendships and bonds. Rat Boy and 10 million viewers crack up hysterically. Probby calls out Rat Boy on that, on which Rat Boy says that he's just proud of Queen Elfreda winning friends and all that rot.

The ever stupid High D announces how funny it is that the men pretty much eliminated each other, leaving the women standing in the end! Queen Elfreda blinks as enlightenment sets in.

Blah blah blah silly talk, let's just get to the voting.

Dr Dave gets the cut. Everyone else gives him the vote. Even High D, who says that she respects him because he has played the game well, so it is his time to go. She is unaware that she has just called herself and all the surviving contestants dishonorable villains, but hey, that's our Gollum!

Dr Dave casts his vote for Queen Elfreda. He silently walks away and the camera pans on his leaving into the shadows like some broody James Dean movie scene. Right into my house when he then proceeds to help me scale trees to pluck down leaves for the roof of our new love shack. He is well and happy and will be back for the jury duty, but he wants the world to know that he's much happier scaling trees in my backyard than he was with those freaks. As he should be.

Before YouTube, recapping music videos is totally a thing and not a waste of time. Really..

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