SURVIVOR

Amazon Episode 7: Girls Gone Wilder

Howl at the moon, sisters, it's ladies' night on the Amazon tonight and we're talking about Queen Hippodeena and her snivelling henchman Rat Boy using the pawns that are the former Jamborees to boot the one and only King Dick. This episode is a glorious depiction of the humiliating collapse of a stupid old chauvinist pig devoid of any self-awareness, and the triumph of the ladies. Oh, and High D and Jabba strip for no reason other than to make me feel sorry for the starving kiddies of Ethiopia.

Credits. Oh-gay-gay howleh-howleh, et cetera. The Survivors look like macho adventurers during the credits, but as we all know by now, the reality is much more laughable. Then it's over and we see a full moon night. A woman is wailing in the background - no, not High D, but some professional vocalist hired to give this show some "authentic" flavor. "Authentic" is an anaconda swallowing High D and Jabba but I guess the insurance people won't like that. It's night eighteen, just moments after Shameless Shawna is sent packing to Loser Lodge, and we see a boat moored by the river. It's camp Jamboree. They are all coming home. Oh gawd.

Queen Hippodeena says in her special brand of snark that they all miss Shameless. Yeah right. Rat Boy says he is emotionally exhausted. That's because he probably got too excited now that Alex is all his again. Alex is said to be depressed, although he may just be exhausted from the long walk back to camp. That guy is almost skeletal now after all. Give him a bad boob job and he'll be a brunette High D. Rat Boy hopes that Alex will now get back in the game. Now they all discuss strategy. Rat Boy announces that should there be a merge tomorrow, they must work together to convince the men of Tampa Queen that the men still have an alliance. The ladies must get High D back to the fold. Queen Hippodeena mulls it over and says that she doesn't trust C Girl will return to their fold so easily. With this pronounciation, C Girl is once again without an alliance, oh dear. They discuss possible targets for elimination during the merge. Dr Dave is fingered out as the threat. Very well then, they will "pinch" Dr Dave, thus destroying the last vestiges of Tampa Queen. I think this will be the first time a tribe is Pagonged even before the merge! Rat Boy tells them that should a merge takes place, the guys must not be even seen talking to the girls to lead the Tampa Queen men to believe that old alliances still stand. He cheerfully adds that with Dr Dave gone, King Dick will have no stand to mouth off anymore. Heh heh heh. Rat Boy pretty much creams himself at that thought.

You know, this is a rare Survivor moment: a complete breakdown of old alliances and dynamic formation of new ones. Unlike in Thailand where old alliances are stupidly adhered to - a lesson Helen and Saggy learned the hard way - this time we see people quickly adapting and plotting an ouster to old alpha males in a power struggle frenzy. Queen Hippodeena and Rat Boy would be wise never to trust each other, but right now they are plotting the destruction of the other tribe like the Machiavellis they are. In this instance, Jabba is the lucky one - her unwitting bringing together of Rat Boy and Queen Hippodeena as well as wild card Queen Elfreda has helped her damage the male alliance as much as her own blabbermouth set in motion the chains of destruction of Jamboree. It is her luck that she picks the wild cards Rat Boy and Queen Elfreda, and it is even better for her that Rat Boy and Queen Hippodeena immediately rally the tribe formed of low-tier former alliance members to marshal a counterattack against the heads of the pack led by King Dick. Jabba is one lucky woman - the InVeeSible One must be her patroness, because Queen Hippodeena and Rat Boy have halted the damage on her own gameplay her blabbermouth has set in motion. In retrospection, the apparent advantages Dr Dave reaps from his using Jabba's stupidity to his own advantage may be minimal. Ah, such is the unpredictable nature of this Season, and what good TV this makes!

Morning, day twenty comes and the two tribes have treemail. They all get excited when they find a key with the badly-worded butchery, oops, "poetry". Remember the mysterious locked box each tribe get at the start of the show? Well, this is it. This is the moment to Open That Box. With trembling fingers, the key is shoved into the slot and the box opens to reveal... more stupid poetry. They could at least toss a Granola bar in there. Anyway, the poetry talks about how "now you should become one". Rat Boy is ecstatic until he learns that Mark Burnetto is not calling for group sex. He is annoyed instead when he realizes that now that the men have just finished building the shelter the old Jamboree tribe couldn't finish, they have to leave it behind and build a new one.

Again, Jamboree Version 2.0 reiterate the need to deceive the Tampa Queen Version 2.0 males. The plot is set, and the pawns are moved to check mate King Dick's tribe.

With a map, they each take their boat and row towards wherever the map leads them to. The destination turns out to be a small islet in the middle of the Amazon, where the new tribe, as Jeff Proboscis tells them, will live as one. He tosses them new red buffs and tells them that they must head off to camp, build a shelter, and paint the tribe banner. It's like kiddie school, only with skanks and piranhas. Butch takes Queen Hippodeena's hand while everybody else hugs. C Girl is happy. "I made it to the merge!" she tells the camera.

Yes, this is a real merge. No one's getting Shii Deviled today.

Lots of food awaits the newly merged tribe. Cookies, fruits, pickles, burgers, and lots of Coors Light (get one today - the drinks Rat Boy enjoy and so should you)! Everyone eats and drinks. I notice Queen Elfreda and Alex are pretty chummy with each other. Obviously there are no hard feelings over Shameless Shawna. Ah, men. Dr Dave says that no one is thinking about elimination or the game, they are just excited and feeling blessed over having such a feast. Um, that's because they've all worked out a plan to cannibalize all of you before the feast, Mr Rocket Scientist. Queen Elfreda raises a toast to new friendships (and seven daggers each into three unwary backs). Everybody follows him.

Queen Elfreda gorges on a burger, Hannibal Lecter style, as Queen Hippodeena suggests a new name for the tribe: Jackanapes. Okay, it's Jacaré, Portuguese for "alligator", a complete misnomer for this sorry tribe if you ask me. I like Jackanapes better. So Tampa Queen and Jamboree are dead, long live Jackanapes!

It takes only five minutes before King Dick begins earning the enmity of six of his tribe members simultaneously. He begins barking around that hush, it's time to pack up and build a shelter, shoo, get on your feet, people, and listen to me, a short ugly stinking chauvinistic homophobic unpleasant bossy fool and listen to me NOW! The others begin stuffing Coor Light cans into the ice sack - a top priority for them - but King Dick just makes a look of disgust and in front of the others, toss the cans back out on the ground. Unsurprisingly, Alex begins calling him an ass in his confessional. King Dick calls for duty assignation. But not so fast, as Queen Hippodeena does not like getting challenged on her own turf by this impudent a-hole. She and Alex begin squaring off with King Dick over the fire and water collection schedules and methods. Rat Boy watches in delight as his Queen begins hacking away skilfully at his hated old lord and master. As King Dick walks around barking orders like Mussolini's final march, Queen Hippodeena mocks him behind his back, wincing in perfect imitation of that unlikeable boor's way of barking orders, much to delight of the other Jackanapes. King Dick, unaware of the revolution fermenting around him, just talks and talks and talks - an idiot who is so in love with his own voice that he is unaware of how much he is just killing himself in this game.

Schadenfraude is so cool, heh.

Dr Dave cuts down trees. Everyone's at work at Camp Jackanapes, although Alex pauses to sneer at King Dick. Queen Hippodeena is even more enthusiastic, mocking King Dick's speech, mannerisms, and all. See, I told you - jackanapes, all of them. Even C Girl doesn't pull her punches as she rips a new one on King Dick's anal insistence on the shelter roof beams being equidistant or something. King Dick wants to build a Taj Mahal, and they all just want to entomb him and never have to listen to him again. Queen Hippodeena is really good: she makes hunting for pond fronds like an insulting finger gesture to King Dick, who looks as if he will burst a vessel in his head right there and then.

Rat Boy says to the camera that it is really interesting to see how some people get down to work while others (see: he) get down to building alliances. Cue scenes of Rat Boy talking privately to High D and C Girl, drawing them into the dark side. Incidentally, I love how they film Rat Boy's confessionals using fish lens. I take this as a personal shout-out: they really make Rat Boy look like a rat in those confessionals. Love ya too, Burnetto!

High D, Jabba, and Queen Hippodeena hold royal court away from the maddening crowd, where they discuss voting out Dr Dave. Queen Hippodeena says that Dr Dave is the strongest - cue a really hot and sexy scene of Dr Dave leaping up to clasp a palm tree here - and he must go. But High D manages to drive home one angle the Queen overlooked: King Dick must go. If King Dick makes the Jury, he will never vote for a woman, because, as Queen Hippodeena says, women have estrogen and they have breasts. "Screw him!" Queen Hippodeena declares fiercely. There you go: the royal sentence.

Meanwhile, the men are holding court in King Dick's makeshift war camp at the other side of the site. Alex and Queen Elfreda and Rat Boy nod and say yes, yes, we still have a Testosterone Alliance, let us sharpen our machetes, oh King Dick, and turn around so that we have a clear target. Yum, yum. Since their original plan is to eliminate the girls one by one according to the sequence Jabba herself told Dr Dave (Jeanne, C Girl, Queen Hippodeena), they decide to vote for C Girl. Or rather, Butch, Dr Dave, and King Dick decide to and the other three turncoats just nod agreeably. Butch, what happened to C Girl being your definitive moment, huh, huh, you freaking insincere freak? I knew it! You're a fake.

Here's another first: two person confessionals. Alex and Queen Elfreda have definitely kissed and made up - literally or not, I don't know - because they both smile as Alex declares that King Dick really has to go. "This time it's personal!" he declares.

The Jackanapes banner is red and there's a cartoon alligator on it. Cute. They should have just put Queen Elfreda's face on it and voila, Piranha Camp Psycho!

Night falls. King Dick is asleep and is snoring like an invasion of elephants into the Amazon. He is a hazard to the ecosystem. Everyone else gets drunk. Rat Boy hopes that the girls really get drunk, because only then he will get to have a chance at them. What a creep. Look, you stupid prick, who are you trying to fool? If the girls put out, you'll scream like a pansy and run away crying for mommy, so shut up, freak. Conversation turns to sex. Frankly, the idea of any of these people even indulging in coitus sickens me, so if you're the faint of heart type, please avert your eyes and scroll down to the next paragraph. C Girl has "done it" at the Washington Monument. (Not with, you perverts.) Dr Dave loves to give orders and apparently he gets around because ladies love a rocket scientist. Oh please, don't bluff. Nowadays our standards are so much higher, even if he is a sexy creature. Rat Boy says that his sex life is mundane. (Read: virgin frat boy.) He talks about getting it on with two fat chicks. (Read: blow up dolls that explode in his face at the critical moment.) This leads High D to talk about threesomes, "Oh you'd be surprised how many girls would do that! I mean, speaking as a woman, I think a lot of girls would do that, right Jabba?" Yes, second period gym class, that's your teacher High D speaking, woo! Isn't she cool? I hope the PTA board members are tuning in at this very moment. Incidentally, I notice for the first time that she is wearing braces - they glint in the light. Instead of straightening her teeth, she should have made it her first priority to sue the backstreet hack that botched her boob job. The talk of threesomes immediately has Rat Boy slavering at the thought of the final three of he, Jabba, and High D. What an easy, easy loser.

Morning. It's now day twenty-one. Chink! Chink! No, it's not the Bride of Satan, but the male equivalent, King Dick. He is sharpening his machete, raising a din that causes the other sleeping Jackanapes to give him the evil eye. Chink! Chink! Chink! Rat Boy says that King Dick is so unaware of how much he is pushing the others over the brink into outright rebellion. Personally, I don't understand how King Dick can be so oblivious to the venom directed his way. Is he that delusional about his own position in the tribe? Talk about egomania - what a buffoon.

Queen Hippodeena and her minion Rat Boy meet in private, where Rat Boy spews venom over Dr Dave, whom he rants as being a charismatic freak who, as we see next week, hones in on High D, the object of Rat Boy's affections. Like Igor the Hunchback whining to his Master about not being able to get his girl, he tells Queen Hippodeena that he hates hates HATES Dr Dave. Queen Hippodeena wisely bites her tongue but to the camera, she says that she hates the men who behave as if the women cannot play this game. She calls Rat Boy one of the "girls" but adds, "It's every girl for himself" in some strange attempt at linguistic hermaphrodism. She's a District Attorney, she's cunning that way.

Later, Jabba and Queen Hippodeena watch as Queen Elfreda, Dr Dave, and Butch fish. The ladies plot to bring themselves to the Final Three but unsure of a third person to bring along with them. Rat Boy, perhaps? They discuss whether they should get rid of Alex to ensure Rat Boy's loyalty to them. Ooh, so Jabba is now Queen Hippodeena's second-in-command. What does that leave High D? Hmm, eventually Jabba and High D will have to choose who to follow, Queen Hippodeena or Rat Boy. I can't wait for that moment when the Queen and the Rat will draw out daggers and try to kill each other for the ultimate prize!

They put a happy adoring "lil' wife at home loves her man getting food for the table" smile when the guys announce that they catch a fish, but to each other, they whisper and plot to lace the food with arsenic when the boorish menfolk are not looking. Girls gone wilder? They're in outright revolt! Heh.

I love how this show has turned out. Instead of men turning on the women, the men are turning on themselves and the women are openly encouraging them to cannibalize each other. Who would have expected this to happen a few weeks ago? Jeff Proboscis wasn't lying last year when he talked about John Nash - this season is glorious in its unpredictability, scheming, and backstabbing.

Queen Hippodeena tells the camera just how much she harbors disdain for King Dick and his minions who expect the women to just staring adoringly at them as the men just walk in and claim victory just because they believe women aren't as good as them. No, she tells the camera, this is her game too, and you know what, she'll win it. She's really skirting from confidence to outright hubris at this point, but what the heck, watching her is fun. But if she falls - I hope she doesn't - it'll be a long way down.

Immunity Challenge dawns, and the Jackanapes gambol to the riverside where Probby puts the Idol of Goodness out of commission and holds aloft the Immunity Necklace. Talk about cheap - it looks like a smelly string where Burnetto has some cheap Brazilian sweatshop kiddie worker stick three dead fish, a few prawns, and some weird grassy things on it. It's the Fish Bait Necklace.

There are ten narrow and shaky perches built in the middle of the river and all the contestants will stand on one. They can't touch the perch with their hands. The longest to stand on the narrow perch wins the Fish Bait Necklace and smell like stinky for the next three days. Fun.

As last week has shown and now proves, King Dick really can't balance himself. He flails, but unfortunately, manages to catch his balance just in time. Butch says that his bones aren't what they used to be. Maybe he can gnaw on High D's ribcage for calcium. The sun is shining down hard on them. A crocodile looks up from the depths of the river, wondering why these idiot morons are perching like show monkeys up on those stilts. I am hoping it will start charging and banging at a few of those perches, but I guess even crocodiles have better things to do than Survivor Amazon. Jeff Proboscis says that if they fall - and gesturing at the river - they better swim fast to where he is sitting with one leg lifted to highlight his crotch on the pier. The crocodile looks at High D and quickly swims off in search of real food.

A few minutes into the show, Probby reaches for some "temptation". Jabba quickly announces that she will strip for peanut butter. "Give her some peanut butter!" Rat Boy shrieks at Probby. So Probby does, and adds in chocolate cookies as well. High D and Jenna strip. "Kids, I'm not looking," Butch announces. "I'm looking," Dr Dave calls out. "Hello, first period gym class, the PTA, and the darling principal, and hi, grandma!" High D calls before jumping in. Jabba follows.

Idiot. All they have to do is to just jump. What the heck do they even have to strip for, other than to humiliate themselves on TV? I mean, seriously, is anybody even going to look at those skeletal bodies and think they're hot? (Anorexia fetishists excluded, of course.)

The guys clap as the two skanks swim up to Probby and feast on their food. High D fakes orgasm as she chomps down on peanut butter. Yucks.

Thirty-five minutes have passed. King Dick announces that he is giving up and dives into the water. Everyone cheers and gives each other thumbs up. Probby marvels that the idiot doesn't even wait until he offers an initative to dive off the perch. "Good job, King Dick!" Yeah, good job. The idiot has just sealed his own doom, and not even for a peanut.

Fifty-nine minutes and forty-five seconds. It begins to pour heavily. Probby brings out a piping hot pizza. Butch, Alex, and Rat Boy jump down without hesitation. Jabba gives a thumbs up gesture at Queen Hippodeena - they've got it made.

Queen Elfreda crouches on his perch. His legs are aching bad. Queen Hippodeena challenges Probby: "Is this all you've got?" Probby calls back - how long can she last? The Queen says that it doesn't matter, all that matters is that she has outlasted King Dick.

One hour and fifty-one minutes have passed. Probby holds up buffalo wings. "I'm in. I'm so hungry," Queen Elfreda says and dives down. Dr Dave follows him.

Two hours and thirty minutes. "Hot spaghetti," Probby calls out, lifting the lid of the tray bearing the yummies.

"Does it come with garlic bread?" C Girl calls out.

I crack up. Ooh, C Girl makes a funny!

"It doesn't have garlic bread," C Girl tells Queen Hippodeena.

Heh heh heh.

C Girl nods to the Queen, "Shall we share?"

Who will go first? Well, they decide to settle it with a game of paper, scissors, rock. C Girl chooses scissors, Queen Hippodeena rock, and C Girl dives off the perch. The Queen has Immunity! Long live the Queen!

"You negotiated like only an attorney could," Probby tells her as he offers her a towel. "You've come off with food and immunity."

C Girl grins at the Queen as they make their punching gesture of consolidarity. I notice that C Girl has no problems with this gesture - no hesitation in her motions - and I hope that this means that somehow C Girl and the Queen have made some private agreements of their own. They both use their hands to eat the spaghetti. Oh well, after two and a half hours on the perch, I guess they earn the right to infest their gastrointestinal tracks with Amazonian river germs.

The Jackanapes row in two boats back to their camp. Otters look up and make rude sounds at them as they row past.

Rat Boy gleefully says that the only way King Dick will win the Immunity Challenge is if it's a "Name That Perry Como Tune" or "Name That Prune" or contest for the old people. I'm proud to say I can't recall any Perry Como tune myself. Alex laughs - they have good food, naked women, and best of all, King Dick jumps and gets nothing, so yes, today is the best time of his life! Queen Hippodeena laughs because King Dick is planning all these "interesting plans" for the evening when he is actually going home!

Tsk, tsk, oh Jackanapes. So much open glee over poor King Dick. Did I say I love this show to bits?

In a two person confession, High D and Jabba announce that they are the first real Amazons, ie Survivor wild girls. Please, someone hand these delusional idiots a mirror. They laugh as they mock guys like King Dick who believe that they can pick the girls off one by one.

King Dick tells the camera that he is confident that he has everything in order. Dr Dave agrees - six males naturally will stick together and send the girls packing home quickly. It's inevitable, he concludes. I hope you two are enjoying the taste of boot polish.

Rat Boy says that the King Dick court is a joke. They have no idea what the girls are capable of (and I assume Rat Boy does?).

Night soon falls and it's to the Tribal Council we go. At Probby's questioning, Butch says that the priority of the tribe is to build a shelter. All members are involved. Rat Boy says that even if you don't know what to do, they'll tell you where to go and what to do. Probby asks him - does this means that Rat Boy is bossed around and he has to be subservient to the alpha males? Rat Boy openly bristles at this suggestion. Ooh. He's so bitter and envious of the handsome and strong males that he's such delicious TV. It is even better TV as King Dick blathers on his arrogant know-all way about tribe order, place, blah blah blah, knowing full well seven machetes are poised to plunge down onto his scrawny back.

Probby asks - his voice actually reeking of thinly veiled disdain that the delusional Pretty Princesses can't catch - if High D and Jabba think it's worth stripping and losing immunity to win peanut butter and cookies. Absolutely, they say. Next week, they will play lesbian nympho bathers redux to further their place in the tribe. Good for them, poor me for having to watch.

King Dick says confidently that he jumped early because - don't laugh, people - he doesn't need immunity.

Queen Hippodeena, when asked, says that she will not transfer her Fish Bait Necklace to anybody, ever.

"It's time to vote," Probby says.

Jenna - King Dick. C Girl - King Dick. King Dick - C Girl ("C Girl, you have contributed greatly to the tribe. If you had only stayed up there, you wouldn't have gotten my vote," he says, stupidly unaware of the fact that if C Girl has stayed up there, she won't be getting anybody's vote, duh!). Queen Elfreda - King Dick. Queen Hippodeena - King Dick ("Check and mate. Never underestimate the power of a woman," she says - oh, give it a rest, lady). Alex - King Dick. I see a pattern forming here. Dr Dave - C Girl (idiot). High D - King Dick. Rat Boy - King Dick.

Rat Boy's words are truly classic, they deserve to a paragraph of their own:

"Dear Casey, there's a mean old man in my life that's about to leave. Could you please play something appropriate for me?

"Well Rob from New York, here's your request.

"Na na na na, na na na na, hey hey hey, goodbye!"

Oh, Rat Boy, you outdid yourself. I have to wipe tears of laughter from my eyes. How did you get under my skin and make me love you like that?

Butch and Dr Dave's looks are truly priceless when King Dick gets the boot and the collapse of their non-alliance with the three turncoats sink in. Jabba smiles to herself, C Girl contemplates the vulnerability of her current position as last rung on both sides of the two alliances, and Queen Hippodeena gives a satisfied smirk as her plans for world domination shift to second gear.

King Dick, in his parting words, says that he has not been outplayed and outwitted but definitely outlasted. If he can't see how openly hostile the others are to him during the Immunity Challenge and the subsequent events, I guess he truly is a moron. His booting is therefore appropriate. All hail King Dick, the foolish monarch who gets what he deserves. Long live the Queen!

Before YouTube, recapping music videos is totally a thing and not a waste of time. Really..

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