AMERICAN IDOL

Season 5: When The Lights Go Down

Women's Round | Men's Round | Results

Wednesday

Ryan "Boys, Boys, Boys" Sleazebag, wearing a reddish shirt to give the impression that he's still wearing the set of clothes that he wore yesterday, stands outside the Red Room and starts singing that old song by Sabrina, Boys (Summertime Love): "Sun shines down/So come to town/Set your body free!/Hold me tight/My love tonight/Tell me you believe!" Everyone, sing along now: "Everybody, summertime love/You'll remember me/Everybody, summertime love/Be my lover/Be my baby!" The chorus, people: "Boys, boys, boys/I'm looking for a good time/Boys, boys, boys/Get ready for my love!"

Sleazie steps out on stage and wags a disapproving finger at that guy in the audience holding a sign that says, "Bucky Covington's mother is also his grandmother!" He welcomes everybody and promises an "outstanding" show tonight. He lies, of course. None of the guys comes out and they certainly don't stand close to being good at all. But first, five minutes of recap of the previous episode. Sleazie then points out that the ladies are seated in the same corner that used to be Randy Randy's Dawg Pound '06 the night before. He then introduces the guys and ugh, Taylor Hicks is already getting on my nerves when he tries so hard to come off as "cool" and "animated" on TV. Sleazie now introduces the judges: Randy "Get Ready For My Love" Randy, Miss "Everybody, summertime love" Paula, and of course, King "I'm Looking For A Good Time" Tut. Sigh.

When Sleazie looks at King Tut and says his name, Sleazie sighs like he truly finds him exasperating and King Tut responds with a naughty and challenging tilt of his head, kinda like a "Come try to molest me if you can!" come-hither look. Boys will be boys. Sleazie asks King Tut to sum up the guys tonight in a word. King Tut says that those guys have potential, which I agree, especially when most of them are gagged. Sleazie asks King Tut to say what he thinks the guys should be focusing on tonight, as if those guys aren't already focusing on the hot boys chicks, money, and fame that they think they will have when they win. King Tut says that the men should be original. Sleazie asks Miss Paula whether America is looking for a pure voice or a powerful voice. What a stupid question. Miss Paula frowns, wondering whether she really heard "pure blow" like she thought she did, and thinks better of answering that question in case she gets in hot water with Uncles Nigel and Ken again and they take away all her pills for a night as punishment. She says that America is looking for a different and unique voice. Yeah, and I also hear that America is looking for new but old as well, along with some red and pink to go with the distinctive and multipolar. Way to go, people, for wasting so many words to say absolutely nothing! Sleazie continues this absolutely ridiculous train of questioning by asking Randy Randy to put himself in one of the male contestants' shoes and tell Sleazie what he should be thinking tonight. "No, put that away, King Tut, aaaaaahhhh!" may not be the best answer, I suppose. Randy Randy says that the men have to be unbelievable to beat the ladies. Of course, the men are unbelievable... unbelievably bad, that is. But first, Sleazie wants to waste another ten minutes with a montage of the men's happy moments in the auditions and the workshop episodes. This show is suffering from incontinence: it leaks smelly stuff that nobody cares to see every few minutes.

Patrick Hall is the first to take the stage. He has deliberately grown a stubble to look more attractive than he is. I'm ashamed to say that it works wonderfully well with me. He wants to move away from comparisons to Kewpie by showing that he can relate to the angst of falling in love that is conveyed in Melissa Ethridge's Come To My Window. Ah yes, the angst of falling in love. The pain of powerdialling non-stop for Rank Sinatra and getting into fights with those disgusting Fantasia fans from Harlem only to see Rankie lose out at sixth place and you will never ever love another man as pure and sweet as Rankie again, SOB. Then it's all about Will Makar and life is beautiful all over again! Okay, back to Patrick, I may be colored by my irrational adoration for Patrick Dempsey that is channeling forth on this particular Patrick, an irrational adoration that hasn't been tampered by the fact that I married a man who looks as lanky and geeky-adorable as these Patricks (only, of course, my husband cannot sing at all) - oh dear, is that TMI, people? - but I think this performance is fabulous. No, it's not what I'd expect to hear from Patrick but it's far more better than a slushy ballad, that I'd say. There's some sort of beautiful poetry in seeing a mild-mannered man singing a teenaged lesbian's iconic love anthem on a show that is supposedly all about the right-wing family friendly sentiments. By the first chorus, Patrick has switched gears and changes the song into a more pleasant singalong Gershwin type of adult contemporary tune and I'm struck by how simultaneously corny and beautiful that man is when he is performing. I know, I know, I'm using a million run-on sentences and I'm babbling like an idiot but please, can't I have that luxury for once? I'll never gush about Patrick this way again. Seeing him performing Come To My Window is like listening to a bumbling but earnest first boyfriend serenading me while I lean over from the balcony and he has no idea how beautiful he sounds - not perfect, but his earnestness making the imperfections in his singing even more beautiful (the Ewan McGregor in Moulin Rouge effect). Patrick is so beautiful. Okay, I'm done, people. You can stop looking away now.

Randy Randy correctly guesses that Patrick was nervous up on stage and wonders why someone who has sung and performed as well in so many gigs would be nervous. Duh, because those were gigs and this is the show. Randy Randy doesn't think the performance was that great but he liked it. Miss Paula says that Patrick found his niche in the Hollywood workshop episodes - which, of course, the show never let me have the opportunity to see, thanks a lot - and he should have stuck with that. King Tut blames the song choice for the less-than-stellar performance, which is to say, the song is beautiful but it's not one that he can carry off well. He likes Patrick's voice but doesn't see any star quality in Patrick. The sad thing is, I can't honestly disagree with the judges. Patrick's performance is wonderful in an acquired taste manner and I can't blame anyone for finding that performance not good enough in a competition.

David Radford is up now. Eh, he decides to break his "crooner mould" and surprise America by singing Queen's Crazy Little Thing Called Love. I'm surprised alright by how awkward he is trying to do those moves on stage and how wrong his voice is for that song. That song comes off as very flat and devoid of any range at all. Ugh.

Randy Randy compares the performance to that of someone in an audience in his hometown Baton Rouge suddenly crashing a high-school play to perform badly. Personally I'd prefer a less awkward comparison: it's like watching your cool jock boyfriend suddenly getting up during a Spring Break beach BBQ party and revealing that he listens and dances to his grandparents' Elvis CD collection and all of a sudden your friends are sniggering at you as he dances and sings like a bumbling dweeb on stage and you can just die on the spot. Miss Paula says that it doesn't matter how bad David is because the "Kitty Pound" or "Power Poodle Pound" (the female contestants) love him and he stays true to himself. Having a penis can be a privilege on this show, sigh. King Tut thinks that the audience will love him and asks him to be more serious in the next round. The thing is, I suspect that David is actually being quite serious in this instance. Harry Connick, Jr is King Tut's suggestion. Oh please. Here are my suggestions:

1. Anything by the Archies
2. I Think I Love You by the Patridge Family
3. Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini by Brian Hyland
4. Jailhouse Rock by Elton John and Rank Sinatra

Hold those redneck jokes as it's now Bucky Covington's turn. After some "banter" about humming with Sleazie (hmm), he explains in his introductory clip that he is always nervous, which I suppose is supposed to be an excuse for his heavy accent that makes him sound like he's slurring all the time. I have to love how he bungles up the words to I Can't Help Myself though: "When it starts to firm/Girl it starts to flame". I don't know whether he's singing about the guys on this show flaming while firming or something else altogether, heh. He will be singing Simple Man by Lynyrd Skynyrd because he is a big fan of them and he thinks he relates to the song very well. And after listening to him, I must say that I adore this performance vocally. However, he's not yet Bo in the sense that Bo can command the stage with the sexy just by standing there on stage while Bucky is a little more boring in comparison. Maybe he should try to work on his stage presence a little because comparisons to Bo are probably inevitable and right now the comparisons aren't too favorable towards him. In the meantime, I'm starting to see him as a pretty hot guy (shut up) and I've some suggestions for his song choices: Chris Isaak's Wicked Game or Somebody's Cryin' or just for laughs, Dead Or Alive's You Spin Me Right Round (Like A Record).

Randy Randy is glad that Bucky is staying within his niche but tells Bucky that he shouldn't push his voice to the point that he sounds sharp in some instances during the performance. Randy Randy thinks that Bucky has a nice tone. Miss Paula predictably loves the performance. King Tut however thinks that Bucky sounds like a generic rocker one can find in weddings and bars everywhere in America. King Tut manages to slam Conty Bint by saying that there were "rockers" in the past on this show who actually went as far as merely wearing jackets while singing in weddings. Randy Randy insists that playing in bars isn't such a bad thing and Miss Paula agrees, saying that "vintage" Randy Randy used to play in bars all the time. And if Randy Randy does it, it must be a good thing! Bucky tells Sleazie that he's here because he's "inspired" (read: "sees an opportunity") by Cattle and Bo.

Will Makar is going to perform now. Will looks like the nerd of the family while David is the jock elder brother, come to think of it. He will be singing the Jackson Five's I Want You Back today. Get used to that because White Boys Pretending To Have Soul is the theme of today. Watching him perform, I don't know. He's energetic and he is in tune, I'll give that, but here's the thing: why would anyone choose a song that is sung by a prepubescent brat and is today more synonymous with a Nickolodeon cartoon special? He's cheesy but entertaining but I can't shake off the Mickey Mouse Club feel of the performance.

Randy Randy is thoroughly entertained despite the dorky dancing. Miss Paula says that the high school girls will love him and when I think about it, that is probably all that matters to a sixteen-year old boy. She compares him to Bobby Brady because being compared to an asexual teen from an antiquated TV show is the best thing to do to a teenager. He'll be forced to pretend to be asexual for the rest of his career and that will screw plenty of kiddies up bad. Just ask Michael Jackson. King Tut however finds the vocals merely average and that no one will remember that performance, no matter how enthusiastic and cute Will is. King Tut is predictably booed for being correct. Sleazie tells Will not to worry about King Tut because King Tut doesn't have much fun recently. At least until King Tut gives in and gets Sleazie a co-producer credit on the show, that is.

Here's Sway. As Sleazie says, "Where there's a Will, there's a Sway!" Don't ask me what he is implying about those two. Sway will be singing Earth, Wind & Fire's Reasons because it was a song that his parents listened over and over or something. Does he hate his parents? Now, let me make this clear: I know Phillip Bailey originally sang this song in falsetto and Phillip was fabulous. Sway, however, is very off in so many places throughout the song that the performance comes off like a complete mess. He has the moves, though, I must say, to convince people that he is the new soul dude that he actually isn't. I predict that he will have much to thank the overzealous American-Filipino community for in the weeks to come and he will eventually land a role opposite Princess Jasmelisma in some TV movie showed only in the Philippines.

Randy Randy thinks that the performance is "hot" because singing in falsetto is hard to do and Sway apparently did Phillip Bailey proud. Miss Paula calls Sway "truly amazing" especially for that hideous high screech he made and says that Sway deserves to be on that stage. King Tut however thinks that the performance was a "pimpy third-rate copy of Earth, Wind & Fire". Randy Randy asks King Tut indignantly what King Tut knows of pimps. I honestly don't think we all want to know the honest answer to that! Miss Paula then pulls that "Let's see you try to sing like that!" card on King Tut, which is ridiculous because if that's the criteria to judge a performance, Miss Paula shouldn't be an overpaid mouthpiece on this show as she sings worse than nearly all the contestants on this show! Sleazie then sneakily calls Sway on his BS by wondering how anyone can put a baby to sleep screeching that song.

Sleazie plugs the official website aceyoungpornstar.com. Apparently I can head on over and create a blog there. That's what Sleazie says anyway. Does this mean that I can create a Livejournal-like blog about the grand love story of King Tut and Sleazie? Sleazie babbles nonsense with Chris Daughtry, who's next. Rumors about Chris Daughtry being Vin Diesel's long-lost brother will remain just that - rumors. Chris insists that everyone so far has been great, which doesn't bode well for his hearing. When I hear what he's going to sing, however, his stock plummets with me. He will perform Bon Jovi's Wanted Dead Or Alive because it's a big hit with the audience in the bars that he performed at with his band. Jon Bon Jovi? I think I'll be a Bucky fan in this season since I'm more of a Lynyrd Skynyrd and Def Leppard kind of lady than Jon Bon Jovi and Creed which Chris clearly bases his interest on. Chris sings very well - in tune, strong, and builds up his vocals very nicely to an understated finish.

Randy Randy makes Chris' stock plummets further with me by letting me know that Chris chooses "current" songs by matchbox twenty and Jon Bon Jovi. Never mind the fact that Jon Bon Jovi is as "current" as 1990, but... matchbox twenty? Ouch indeed. Randy Randy thinks that Chris has a great recording voice (I agree with him here) and he loves the performance because it was "hot" and "the bomb". Miss Paula says that she's been "wow'ed" by Chris since day one. "Ah... um... the stance!" she babbles, "The moment you opened your mouth!" Hold back those dirty thoughts, people, because Miss Paula goes on to state that she admires Chris' "artistry" and "confidence" and predicts that he will "go all the way". Not with her, of course, the show's lawyers want everyone to be clear on that. Never mind that Miss Paula dressed up like a dowdy schoolmarm in the previous episode but shows up today dressed in a red slinky thing, Miss Paula only has the men's artistic ability in her mind and heart. King Tut didn't think Chris has charisma when the man first showed up at the auditions but now he changes his mind, thinking that the song choice is great and Chris finally showed charisma and potential tonight. He also agrees with Randy Randy about Chris having a great recording voice and asks Chris to start believing in himself. Whatever that means, really, because I doubt Chris is plagued by self-doubts in the first place.

Sleazie simpers and stands beside Chris, taking the opportunity to put his hand along the man's back, of course, and sings, "Isn't that great? Simon is starting to go to that happy place!" King Tut smiles wicked at Sleazie, promising retribution with his eyes, and Sleazie sings, "It's coming!" His expression and King Tut's expression have to be seen to believed, they glow with love and adoration, I tell you. Chris is unaware that he has been, for a moment, witness to an intimate Tutty-Sleazie coochie-poochie verbal snuggly session and just looks ahead with a slightly befuddled expression. And then Sleazie's professional "I'm not gay, I'm just the TV show host!" face falls back into place as he asks Chris whether Chris feels that Chris has played it safe in the performance. Chris says that he stuck close to the original melody and all but he is ready and willing to do his own thing. By the way, what's with Chris' pointy-finger gesture posing? He does that all the time when he needs to pose for the camera. He needs a new pose. He should ask Brenna for advice. And can Chris look any more uncomfortable when Sleazie keeps patting his back and touching his shoulders? Heh!

Sleazie now announces that Kevin Covais, the youngest contestant on the show, will be performing next. Kevin tells Sleazie that age is nothing but a number. He will be singing Brian McKnight's One Last Cry, one of his personal favorite songs. I think poor Brian McKnight must hold the title for the artist whose songs are butchered the bloodiest on this show. I don't know what Kevin is doing in this show. The poor dear is trembling throughout his performance like he's trying not to wet himself out of fear and his voice trembles and goes out of tune so often that it's like he has been learning performance skills from last season's equally young and petrified Janay Castine. The producers love him though because the Kitty Pound ladies are very obviously instructed to stand up and sway along with Kevin's horrid singing. I can tell that it's a rehearsed "stand up and pretend you're enjoying his singing" shtick because Katharine looks annoyed as she stands up and straightens her skirt. Kevin totally butchers the song and completely fails to execute the key note change at the last few notes of the song. Beautifully done, Kevin! I expect to see him as a Vote For The Worst candidate anytime now. I hate to say this but watching Kevin lisping his way through this song is like watching a kid perform at a special-needs school concert.

Randy Randy calls the performance the "bomb" in what must be the most ridiculous moment in this show. Miss Paula agrees but I'm sure we all expect nothing else from that addled pathetic cow. King Tut seems to be the only one who cares to come off as halfway sane on this show by saying that while he likes Kevin, he thinks the performance would only appeal to those aged ninety and above who are also hard of hearing. Exactly! This is the worst performance of the night and those two daft cows are calling it one of the best! Sleazie pushes the party line by emphasizing how cute Kevin is. From the way this show keep changing its tune from supporting talent to supporting cuteness at the drop of these contestants' pants for Uncles Ken and Nigel, it's a wonder that I'm not seasick by now.

Gedeon McKinney is one of the handful of contestants with very little screentime before this episode. He must be the oldest-looking seventeen year old boy I've ever seen. He has this unfortunate pimp moustache and a voice that looks like it belongs to some blackploitation movie soundtrack. He will be singing Shout by Otis Day and the Knights because he can really perform this song and also because it's still "rolling" today. In an unfortunate glassy green shirt that makes him look even more like he's performing on that old TV show Solid Gold, Gedeon then launches into a shockingly entertaining performance with pretty decent vocals despite the dodgy dancing. He manages to carry off the changes of tempo very well without faltering all the while maintaining a manic level of camp energy in his performance. I love how his face immediately becomes serious the second the band stops playing, heh. Gedeon seems to come from a different era altogether, like the 1960s and the 1970s, from his hairstyle to his pimp moustache.

Randy Randy is pleasantly surprised by the performance. He loves the Jackie Wilson/Sam and Dave choreography and the song choice. He doesn't find the vocal too impressive but he likes the performance. Miss Paula babbles about uniqueness and difference and jumping up and being thrown around and Gedeon's soul beaming up and... time for naps, Miss Paula. Be quiet now. King Tut finds the performance like a warm-up for the Chippendales, causing Randy Randy to protest that Gedeon kept his clothes on. Silly King Tut, clearly he has never seen the Chippendales because Gedeon has way too much hair to ever equalify to be one of those hairless steroidal wimps. As Randy Randy wonders whether King Tut think that Gedeon will start throwing his clothes off on stage, King Tut tells him to stop comparing him to Sleazie, heh, and ends up saying that Gedeon's smile bothers him. Sleazie asks King Tut whether King Tut has been traveling around the country watching the Chippendales. His voice is icy despite his genial talk-show host face. King Tut tries to explain but Sleazie puts up a "talk to my hand, bitch!" gesture as he shushes King Tut and says, "It's okay!" But poor Sleazie looks so unhappy as he stands by Gedeon while the other two judges reassure Gedeon that he's "awesome", I think it is only okay if King Tut spends the rest of that evening on his knees groveling for mercy. Sleazie now smiles for the camera, causing King Tut to say that Sleazie is now smiling like Gedeon. Sleazie deliberately forces his smile to be wider and says that everyone here is having a good time and he's just sorry that King Tut isn't.

Elliott Yamin is next. He looks like his face is made of wax and it's melting. He brags to the camera that he managed to shine in the workshop despite being stuck with one of the Brittenum twins. That's so modest of him. Today he will be singing Stevie Wonder's If You Really Love Me. He is really oversinging a lot here and I suppose it is one of the better performances tonight. The thing is, ask me ten seconds after his performance is over and I will not remember anything of it. It's the same syndrome suffered by last season's Nikachu in that they can (over)sing the life out of a song but I can find my attention quickly drifting away regardless of how loud they are singing at my face.

Randy Randy babbles about how "hot" the performance is because "hot" is the best he can do in this instance, alas, and how Elliott doesn't need lozenges, tea, sodas, and other what-on-earth things because he can pull off a Stevie Wonder song. Miss Paula of course agrees. He's effortless and infectious! King Tut goes as far as to say that Elliott is "potentially" the best male vocalist they've ever seen in all five seasons. Um... I really don't know about that. King Tut must be indulging in some of Miss Paula's prescription when she's not looking.

Hello, Bobby Bennett. He's the one who keeps hamming up things because he believes that he's better off that way. To prove to all how wrong he is, he decides to perform Barry Manilow's Copacabana because apparently his late grandmother made him promise to sing that song when he "made it big" (no fat jokes please, people). Good grief, while I appreciate his keeping his promise to his grandmother, I wonder whether it's wise to perform a song that is synonymous with unadulterated cheese. No one takes anyone who sings this song seriously. No one! Bobby growls and shouts until he's out of breath and there's still some way to go before the song ends, oh boy. It's an entertaining performance in just how hilariously bad it is.

Randy Randy thinks he was watching someone from a different era, maybe Barry Manilow in Vegas or Wayne Newton, but he was entertained by the performance despite the vocals that went "here and there". Miss Paula babbles about what a risk-taker Barry is (hah) and how he is committed "100% with passion" to his performances. Miss Paula thinks that Barry will still be fun if he's singing "Old McDonald Had A Freaking Farm". Strangely enough, I agree with that. King Tut says that if we all hear a scream from a Vegas hotel room, that's where our DaddyKewpie is watching the show from. He calls the performance a "complete nightmare" and when Miss Paula insists that it was an entertaining performance, he says that horror movies are entertaining too but that's a different kind of "entertainment". He doesn't think this performance is good enough. The sad thing is, if Bobby looks like Ace Young and sings this badly, he will be good enough. Sleazie hands Bobby a handkerchief and asks Sleazie to tell Bobby how to improve. Looks like Sleazie is still mad about the Chippendales in King Tut's backyard. King Tut asks Sleazie what to do and Sleazie says that King Tut should give constructive criticism instead of slagging people. King Tut says that he doesn't do things this way and he doesn't do long conversations like Sleazie. He also claims not to know why he liked Bobby in the first place. And we all know that this kind of conversation will not happen if it's David Radford singing Copacabana, don't we?

Finally, the hot rocket that will send all those girlies into hormonal overdrive, the unnaturally-ruddy sleazy-looking greaseball Ace Young is here. I must hand it to him or Uncle Nigel or whoever it is that gives him the idea of singing George Michael's deliciously naughty ditty Father Figure: it's a fabulous song choice. Of course, Ace talks about how the song is soulful with "deep R&B roots" when the truth is, it's a freaking fabulous song with lots of wicked Lolita-esque "I'll be your daddy" sexual overtones. He has a horrible speaking voice but he gets to whisper and coo pretty nicely in this song. It's a boyband version of a naughty song with all the sexual innuendos in the song completely hit onto my head by Ace who has no subtlety at all. When he sighs "naked", he gives this laughably ridiculous "smouldering" look at the camera. Honey, I started liking Conty Bint when he started becoming entertaining in a theatrical manner and I couldn't stand his contrived "I'm sexy, look at me-eee-eee!" ways. If Ace Young starts pulling some Robbie Williams stunt and sings about wanting to have sex with the wife of his best friend, all the expletives retained in the performance, let me know. Otherwise, I'll keep looking around.

The judges dance the party line because Ace Young is going to win and become the Great White Male Hope that everyone has been looking for to help us all understand the meaning of True Love. Randy Randy insists that Ace Young, unlike "some people" (heh), is genuinely sexy and he can sing. Hear that, people? The Great White Hope! Miss Paula says all her female and male friends will vote for Ace. Randy Randy wonders whether King Tut will compare Ace to the Chippendales. Ironically, King Tut says no when I'd bet that Ace would fit in very well with the Chippendales. He's greasy and contrived enough, for one. King Tut says that Ace isn't the best singer here but he has the X-factor going on. Sleazie asks Ace to put that constipated date-rapist face to the camera again because we can't get too much of Ace's contrived so-called sexual machismo.

Finally, the even more affected Taylor Hicks. Why is he given the last spot? They must be testing to see how popular he is with the hausfraus watching this show. Sleazie calls Taylor the guy with "Joe Cocker's moves and Jay Leno's hair" and Taylor says, "But not Jay Leno's chin!" My problem with Taylor is that everything about him, from his laugh to his ramblings about his family to his professed age, feels completely forced and fake like there's nothing whatsoever about him presented on this show that is real. And then he hams up with exaggerated twitches and facial expressions, it's like he's Uncle Nigel's 48-year old best friend planted in this show as a mole. His song is Elton John's Levon because it's all about "family values" that Taylor knows the hausfraus are big on and therefore they will love him more for using that phrase. His performance is too twangy and he moves into a range that is too high for him in the bridge so when the chorus arrives, he's forcing his voice to come out very hard and it shows.

Randy Randy diplomatically says that this song isn't the best choice for him before gushing about how original he finds Taylor. Hmm, how can one be original when one sings like the original performer? The mind boggles, really. Miss Paula of course loves everything about the performance - she looks like she needs to change her skirt at that very moment. I can't bear to watch Taylor as the judges praise him because he is swaying his body left to right and back again while making all these awkward facial expressions that are actually more cringe-inducing to watch than Kewpie's. Then there's his tendency to go "Wow!" and "That's amazing!" the loudest in the entire theatre when the judges praise him, like he wants everyone to know that he is the best singer ever. Taylor Hicks is truly excruciating to watch. King Tut once again launches into his God Sayeth Onto Moses shtick by apologizing to Taylor for ever doubting him and saying that the TV audience has given King Tut the most positive feedback ever regarding Taylor compared to other male contestants. Yes, because King Tut goes around knocking on every door in White Middle America and asking the housewives that answers whether they want a free poster of Taylor Hicks to go with their Tupperware. Miss Paula asks the producers to have more than six slots in the finals for the guys. We all know why she is asking for that, don't we, people? Randy Randy says that there is no one on this show that is as "vibrant" as Taylor. At that point, these people can go straight to hell for all I care because they are being beyond ridiculous there and then.

To close the show, Randy Randy and Miss Paula insist that the guys are as good as the women and they insist so hard that the floor under them give way and suck them in. The whole theatre collapses on itself and all those guys hugging and congratulating each other as the credits roll are sucked straight into hell where even the demons flee when Bobby Bennett and Kevin Covais offer to throw a free concert for everyone.

Women's Round | Men's Round | Results

Before YouTube, recapping music videos is totally a thing and not a waste of time. Really..

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