GA Hauser, $3.99
Contemporary Erotica, 2018
Yes, there is an asterisk between the H and the T in a particular word in the title, but as a rule, we don’t do that asterisk stuff here, because come on, everybody knows what that word is. If people want to be polite, they shouldn’t use words that need to have asterisks replacing some alphabets. So You Can’t Make This Shit Up it is. Judging from the end result, though, yes, one definitely can.
Albert Lane is the ice-cold, aloof accountant – of course he’s an accountant – who wants to marry the socialite and lingerie model Maria Seymour. She is also being pursued by wealthy, sexy real estate hotshot Douglas Jeffries. Of course one’s penis is going to meet one’s poop chute eventually, it’s just a question of when.
This entire story can be summed up as: Dude, you gay? No, you gay? You gay, dude! No, you’re gay, dude! Oops, we’re like, so gay now! Gay! Not! Gay! Not! etc. Is this thing written by some teenage girl who learned all about homosexual folks by watching Netflix and Buzzfeed videos? The amounts of stereotyping as well as dumb dumb behaviors are off the roof here. Both men come off as immature enema nozzles, and things are made worse with Maria being portrayed as this unrealistic plot device that exists only as a contrivance to get the two men all hot and bothered over one another. Why would any sane man pursue this woman, who is obviously and blatantly leading both men on, anyway?
Oh, and while this one is sold as an erotic romance – hence its categorization here – I personally feel that its heat level is actually pretty subdued for something that is supposedly of that genre. Sure, the two men have sex, but news flash: the main characters in most romance novels have sex, so the author had better up the heat level and get creative with positions, locations, and physics if this one were to qualify as an erotic romance.
At any rate, You Can’t Make This Shit Up has annoying dumb bros as lead characters, stuck in an eye-rolling plot that could have only worked if the author had turned this story into high camp comedy instead of what it turns out to be. So yes, one really can make this smelly stuff up.