Main cast: Hugh Jackman (Logan/Wolverine), Danny Huston (William Stryker), will.i.am (John Wraith), Lynn Collins (Kayla Silverfox), Kevin Durand (Frederick J Dukes/The Blob), Dominic Monaghan (Chris Bradley/Bolt), Taylor Kitsch (Remy LeBeau/Gambit), Daniel Henney (David North/Agent Zero), Ryan Reynolds (Wade Wilson/Deadpool), Tim Pocock (Scott Summers), and Liev Schreiber (Victor Creed/Sabretooth)
Director: Gavin Hood
X-Men Origins: Wolverine has me momentarily disoriented at first when I am told that Jimmy and Victor, who will later grow up to become Wolverine and Sabretooth respectively, are brothers. Wait, but Victor’s last name is Creed while Logan’s real name is James Howlett, so what is happening here? And then I remember that I am watching a big, dumb Hollywood adaptation of a soap opera comic and I wonder why I am even wondering about these things.
So, in this movie, we learn about Wolverine’s early years. You see, he and Victor are brothers who grow up to… let’s see, participate in the American Civil War, and then one of the World Wars, and later the Vietnam War. I tell you, these brothers sure love violence. They are mutants, of course, blessed with the ability of rapid healing that slows down their aging and turns them into just like those emo guys in those The Highlander movies, only with claws.
Alas, over the centuries, Victor understandably gets frustrated. You see, James or Logan as he likes to be called for who knows why also has this amazing ability to sport luscious sideburns and a full head of well-groomed hair with nary a strand that dares to be out of place even if Logan has just taken a plunge into the sea in the dark of night. Logan is also taller, and when they pose with the rest of gang, Logan gets to stand right in front most dramatically for the camera money shot. Not only that, Logan has longer claws (poor Victor’s claws make him look like a werewolf instead) and he looks like the amazing Hugh Jackman. Can you blame poor Victor for turning into a homicidal maniac? I’m surprised he didn’t turn into a green hairy monster from all the jealousy he must be feeling toward Logan.
The story really kicks off when Logan and Victor join William Stryker’s band of mutant hunters. It takes several hundred years, but finally Logan realizes that Victor is a homicidal maniac who likes killing too much. Aghast that his gang are killing people gleefully, Logan decides to stand up for the rights of these people… by walking away manfully. At least he has his head kept high, you know. He ends up shacking up with a hot woman who tells him that the moon has a hot lover named Wolverine… or something. He’s a lumberjack, she’s a schoolteacher, but they live in a luxurious mountain cabin in the woods as if they are related to the sparkling Cullens. Then Victor shows up, still unable to groom a perfect head of hair or mighty sideburns of hotness, and kills Logan’s true love. Ouch. Logan is now out for blood, and if this means striking up a bargain with Stryker to get super adamantium claws and skeleton to kick Victor’s butt, so be it. Somewhere in the mess, Clark Kent’s grandparents bite the bullet and Gambit becomes officially irritating.
And throughout everything, be it cutting down mighty trees or emerging from the sea or having gone through sixty hours of hot sweaty pugilistic rushdown with other shirtless male superheroes in this movie, Logan still sports a perfect head of hair, not a single strand of hair out of place. No wonder everyone hates him.
Okay, so the ending scenes featuring Logan and someone important to him have me tearing up a bit (I’m a sap, so don’t laugh at me please), but… I don’t know, perhaps it’s just me, but I think this movie must be sponsored by Vidal Sassoon Natural Control Hairspray or something. Sure, there are cameo appearances by mutants here and there and I would love to see an X-Men: Origins kind of movie for Deadpool if we can get Ryan Reynolds to reprise his role. And of course there are explosions here and there, plus a relationship between two antagonistic brothers that are straight out of the Japanese Comic Handbook of Emo Brotherhood Tropes. But all that pales in comparison to Wolverine’s amazing mutant abilities to keep his hair in perfect condition and style at every time, place, and situation.
Still, I get to see Hugh Jackman’s butt. Wait, that’s his butt, right, and not some body double’s? Whatever, it’s still a butt attached to a body with Hugh Jackman’s face on it, so this movie isn’t that much of a total, utter, and complete waste of time. It looks like we don’t have to gather up baseball bats and beat the people behind this movie senseless after all. This time.