One Of You, I'm Gonna Break In Half
The Amazing Race 6: Episode 7
Previously, nothing really happened. Teams got out, ran wild, did the yoo-hoo, and ran the woo-woo but the episode ended with a cliffhanger: nearly every Team ended up bunched at Klub Net in Budapest while the Superdumbos are stuck a few hours away in Eger, where trains wouldn't run again until morning. To be continued popped up as the hour ended and... am I supposed to be excited or something? Wow, people started out bunched and ended up bunched - that is so exciting. I cancel the rest of my Bingo evenings just to carve pumpkins into the likeness of Bonghammer's face so that I can have fun leaving them on the road and watching cars squash them to bits. Yes, I'm so excited, woo-hoo!
Credits. There is a pool running among us here as to what dysfunctional angle the Templates manage to sell the casting people of this show to be selected for the Race. It can't be their looks alone - let's face it, Kris looks exactly like a waitress. So what is it? Popular suggestions include: (a) those two aren't just sleeping together, they are actually brother and sister, (b) they are wanted for shoplifting sprees in every state of America, and (c) Kris actually has a penis and she will reveal it to everyone during some reunion special.
We start from where we left off, with the Superdumbos huddled together and looking miserable. Can't blame them, really. It's raining, it's cold, and they believe that they won't be able to leave Eger for Budapest until much later in morning. Captain Liberty looks like she's really tired but she can't sleep because she is too depressed to do so. The Tick finally stands up, slings his bag over one shoulder, and tells her that he has to check with the station one more time, just to make sure that these people really do not have any train to Budapest any more. Hey, sometimes it works.
Over at the Net Klub, it's now 10:00 pm. Kendra explains that only three Teams are allowed to go in at one time. The club has a rarified air that is best left as untainted as possible by the stench of the Teams. The first three Teams to go in are the first three Teams to arrive earlier, namely the Fre&Ks, Girl and Girth, and the STDs. As I've suspected from the reenactment of the last episode, the Teams don't just get email. They have to open up some Real Media player to get a clip of Philo "Webcam Superstar" Koughie telling them to open up their AOL email. Wow, the Teams must feel quite special. I don't get people posting video clips to tell me to open my email so I'm quite envious. Because this show has to sell AOL as much as possible along with other excellent products you know you can trust and want to buy, especially now that they advertize themselves on reality shows, Philo shamelessly lets it be known that Teams will be using an Intel Centrino laptop (buy!) to log on to AOL (subscribe!) where they will get the cute message, "You've Got Mail!" (er, go rent the movie!) As Pornathan grabs the mouse, he looks at the camera and says dryly, "Clicking into AOL is like communicating with my best friends." There, the endorsement is complete. I predict a drastic increase of AOL subscriptions in the next few weeks. By the way, what "best friends" are those, anyway? Fat ugly men pretending to be horny thirteen year old girls in AOL chatrooms, perhaps? Hera does a minor version of a sales pitch, saying as she watches her father get online that she misses AOL. Yes, I'm supposed to believe that a young woman like her will use AOL back at home.
As I've also predicted last week, Kendra reads the email clue aloud to Freddy and realizes the Teams must now head over to the Heritage Rail Museum by cab (the email clue specifically says that they have to travel by cab), a three-mile journey, and ride a choo-choo train for 50 miles to their next clue... later, that is, because the Museum opens at 10:00 am. I'm a psychic, woo-hoo. Okay, I said 9:00 am so I am off by an hour but wa-hey, I'm opening my own psychic hotline right away! Before I do that, I'm going to send a nice, long telepathic message to the people designing this Race because there is not only too much artificial and unnecessary bunching on this show, it is also killing the suspense of this show because you, me, she, he, and everyone - everyone - know now that it doesn't matter what the Teams do because they will be bunched again and again and again and again until I want to really kick Bonghammer's butt.
Also, I don't know why this show calls the place a museum because most people know that place as the Rail Heritage Park or the Magyar Vasúttörténeti Park if you want to show off your Hungarian linguistic abilities. Unlike a museum, people can actually go on rides in some of the trains that are "displayed" in the Park. But since the show insists on calling it a museum, I'll play along.
The STDs leave and the Mollywoods take their place. Aaron gives this really adorable grin as he says to the Philo on his monitor, "Hey, Phil!" It's part Homer Simpson, part that mischievous boy with a twinkle in his eye who stole a kiss from a young girl when she isn't looking. Sigh. And when he's done, he says to the screen, "Thanks, Phil!" Sigh. Then Hayden opens her mouth to tell him to hurry and the magic is ruined. Sigh.
Back at Eger, the Tick learns that there is a magic train that departs from Hogwarts to Budapest at 2:55 am. Okay, maybe not Hogwarts but really, just what are the chances that a ticket officer can conveniently "be wrong" about departure times? Maybe I'm just being too skeptical after seeing too many last moment seats suddenly being available on supposedly overbooked flights and other hmmmm-inducing moments. Maybe I should be pure at heart and free from cynicism like the Tick, who is right now telling Captain Liberty, as they get ready to board the Magic Night Train, that the ticket lady must have somehow given them the wrong information about departure times. Yeah, that's it. It's an honest mistake.
The Templates come in to take over the space vacated by the Fre&Ks. Jon announces that it is so "sweet" to be using a laptop and logging on to AOL. I know, dude, I know. The Goth-Nots take Girl and Girth's place at the table. Outside, the STDs are trying to get a cab and Pornathan asks Tori to hold a cab he has spotted. I don't know why he can't hold it himself but Tori somehow fails to do so. The Fre&Ks walk out, spot the cab, and get into it. Pornathan predictably screams at Tori, she screams back, and he says as he walks away from her that Tori is an example as to why women don't rule the world. Well, there are many reasons to why that is the case but I seriously doubt that Tori is any one of those reasons. I don't think there are enough dumb people in democratic countries that will elect her into office (although she may have a chance in India or the Philippines) and even the communists have enough dignity to kill themselves rather than to call Tori their great leader. Elsewhere, Girl and Girth quietly get into a cab.
Aaron must be charmed by his AOL experience because he keeps imitating that "You've got mail!" speech, which of course annoys Hayden because to Hayden, if people aren't strung out, hyperscreechy, and outright insane - like her - they aren't taking the Race seriously. Inside Klub Net, Adam Ant can't get AOL opened correctly and he whines to Rebecca, who consoles him by asking him why he has to be "retarded" at that moment.
Eventually, every Team has completed their AOL experience and left the Net Klub with full determination to subscribe to AOL for the rest of their lives (subliminal message: you should, too) while the Superdumbos' Magic Night Train approaches Budapest. Captain Liberty is in that state of half-sleep, half-living death. She probably hasn't heard a word the Tick is saying. He is saying that if they aren't last, God is with them. Since they are last... well, I'm sure God is just busy at that moment and He will attend to them shortly.
Back in Budapest, because the Teams have so much time to kill, the Goth-Nots, the Templates, and the Mollywoods decide to do me a favor and take their camera crew hostage, vowing never to free those hostages until all artificial bunching is removed or at least limited to one per three episodes for the rest of the season. Not really, they decide to walk around, enjoy the view, and in the case of the Templates, use "cool" as liberally as possible to describe the culture, the architecture, the night, the scenery, and each other. "Cool" is the ultimate democratic catchword. Altogether now, people: Cooooool. One more time: Duuuuuude. And: Aweeeeeesooooome. The Mollywoods, the Templates, and the Goth-Nots walk along the streets (Aweeeesooome), across the bridge (Cooooool), down the lanes (Duuuude), towards their hotel (shut up, please).
Poor Adam Ant. He wants to walk with Rebecca away from the Duuuuuudes and Aweeeesoome people so that they can have some private kissy-wissy time together. For him, I suspect that the kissy time will only last for fifteen minutes at most before he starts screaming in panic because he can't locate the G spot. Rebecca however, is, in her own words, "so over with being romantic" with Adam because he is now apparently like a "brother" to her. Does that mean that she will cut his toenails from now on, now that she's his family member and no longer his girlfriend? She says that the other Teams don't want to hang out with the Goth-Nots because while she is a "cool chick" that is "fun to hang out with", he "sucks".
I knew girls like Rebecca in high school. They exist in some popularity limbo - not smart enough to be cool with the geeks and the teachers but not pretty enough to be cool with the jocks and the cheerleaders - so in order to fit in with the popular kids, they try so hard to imitate these "cool people". But the "cool people" can spot a desperate wannabe coming from a mile away. This is why, I suspect, that the "cool people" Rebecca wants so badly to be part of run away in the other direction when they see her coming. Rebecca says that she wants a relationship that is similar to the Templates (who only started dating recently) or the Mollywoods (ha, ha, ha... wait, she's serious?).
Adam tells her that she always wanted him to be more romantic but now she's being unreasonable when he's trying to be romantic. She tells him to get lost because she is over him. Adam Ant however tells the camera that he still loves her. I'm sure I must be echoing his mother when I wonder why on earth he is still besotted with a woman who seems determined to completely emasculate him and crush his pride as long as they both draw breath.
And that concludes this week's Tears Of A Clown segment because Bonghammer knows that we'd all rather watch this kind of thing than to actually root for Teams to race each other to the finish line. I can't wait to see what comes up next. Will Kendra be finally reunited with her long-lost Senegalese birth mother? "Kendra, I'm so sorry I had to give you away, but there was so much poverty and I kept breeding and breeding and breeding..."
The STDs finally manage to get a cab. As they pile in, he is still calling her all sorts of unflattering names. Maybe not "all sorts", come to think of it, because Pornathan is not creative with words. He's just calling Tori "dumb" and "stupid" again and again.
It turns out that the Fre&Ks and Girl and Girth actually take their cabs to the hotel, not to the Museum like I initially assumed. It turns out that every Team is heading for the same hotel so it is possible that the hotel is part of the accommodation provided by the show. Hey, if the show people are going to keep the Teams just sitting and waiting, they may as well toss in a few free spa sessions. It is funny that the three Teams that walk to the hotel actually reach there before the STDs, who wait all those while for a cab when they could have walked. It is also therefore very pathetic that Pornathan is verbally abusing Tori (who, by the way, is still having those bruises on her upper arms) because they aren't first to the hotel. Seriously, how stupid can one be? Just when I expect the STDs to have reached the bottom of the barrel, they produce a spade and start digging deeper.
Alo, Budapest! Oops, watch out for the Tick, Mr Somebody. The poor guy is walking along the platform when the Tick charges out of the Magic Night Train and bumps into him. Seeing the Tick's "Yeah, wanna fight?" expression, he quickly walks faster away from the scary muscled dude. It is true, those Communist propaganda. Americans are monsters! The Tick is full of energy while Captain Liberty just follows him wearily. When he whistles loudly for a cab, she tells him that they aren't in New York anymore. Yeah, but it works anyway. In the cab, Captain Liberty stays awake long enough to tell the camera that she doesn't know how they can catch up before dozing off. Lucky for her, the show will make sure that they catch up.
It is light when the Superdumbos reach the Net Klub. Contrary to my hubby's expectation that the two wouldn't know how to operate a computer and end up smashing it to pieces with their meaty fists, the Tick has no problems accessing AOL. He is surprised when he reads the email clue and realize that everyone is still waiting for the Museum to open at 10:00 am. Captain Liberty is wide awake now and is definitely coming back to life. The Tick asks her whether she can believe what he has just read. Well, if this is any of the previous seasons, I won't believe it either. The Superdumbos forgo the hotel (not that there is any point in going there anymore) and take a cab straight to the Museum, where they wait before the gates, currently the Team in the lead. Isn't that amusing? The Tick says that well, now that they are in position, he is going to run over everyone in his way. This is what macho wrestlers always say before they charge at the opponent, miss, and knock themselves cold against the barriers of the ring.
The camera pans on the sign of the hotel where the other Teams have spent the rest of the night in for the first time: Hotel Fortuna. Yes, how fortunate. I'm getting paranoid because I think the show must be mocking me because it knows how annoyed I am with the incessant bunchings this season. Hotel Fortuna! See? It's laughing at me! The Teams get into cabs and start urging the drivers to go faster. In the end, the first Team to arrive are the Goth-Nots. When Rebecca spots the Superdumbos standing guard at the entrance of the Museum, she is taken aback and asks them whether they have gone to the "internet place". No, of course the Superdumbos haven't, they just charged their way here, knocking down a few buildings along the way, until they stop for rest outside the Museum. Rebecca is such a silly doofy sometimes! They all wait for 10:00 am as other Teams show up one by one.
At 10:00 am, everyone goes crazy. They are separated from their upcoming choo-choo-crazy adventure by a gate. Someone pushes the gate up at 10:00 am and everyone runs through it. Alas, after a short distance upwards, it crashes back down. Fat Gus, the last to run in, tries to catch the gate from hitting Hera and Freddy who have just run in after him but he's too slow. "People are psychos!" Hera exclaims as she clutches her head. Freddy keeps running beside Kendra who asks him whether he's bleeding. He nods but tells her to keep running.
Ahead, the Teams catch sight of the clue stand. Like wolves scenting weak prey, everyone rushes forward like a police squad rampage towards a Dunkins Donuts store that is having a lunch hour sales. Jon and Adam Ant are the first to sprint towards the stand. Hayden and the Tick are all "Oh no you don't!" and they too throw themselves at the clue stand. The clue stand crashes to the ground when Adam and Jon grab it at around the same time and the combined weight of both men send the stand tipping over. The Teams are supposed to take numbers to determine their order for the next task and these numbers now fly all over the place. The Tick grabs the ticket bearing the number one. Amidst the confusion, Fat Gus and Hera finally catch up and Freddy hands over the only number left on the ground to them. Needless to say, it's the last number. It looks like Girl and Girth's strategy of taking it slowly is working very well.
As the Teams stand around the fallen stand, trying to reorientate themselves after their childish scuffle, Freddy starts shouting that someone pulled the gate down on him and he wants to know who that person is. I look at his forehead and even with that ugly bandanna around it, there is a noticeable dent that makes me wince. Jon tries to explain that he is the one who pushes the stand down. That's nice of him but Freddy is talking about the gate. Freddy must be glaring suspiciously at the Superdumbos because Captain Liberty quickly insists that it couldn't be her and her husband because they are among the first to sprint under the gate for the clue stand. Jon tells Freddy, "Calm down, buddy." This only turns Freddy on him. "Was it you?" he demands to know from Jon. "When I find out who pulled the gate down, it's somebody's ass!" Freddy continues shouting. I love how Pornathan comes up and tells Freddy to calm down. That's like Hitler telling Mussolini to be gentle with the prisoners.
Hera is standing aside and says that her head hurts after being hit by the gate. Someone tries to tell Freddy that Hera is also hit by the gate, as if that would somehow convince Freddy that no one deliberately dropped the gate on him. Okay, so they dropped the gate on him and Hera. Freddy must be feeling better now. And indeed, he is. Saying that when he catches that Gate Dropper, "One of you, I'll break in half! One of you will pay for that!" he shouts one last time before turning to Kendra for some wounded-oh-me TLC. Fat Gus takes Freddy aside and points out to him that Hera is hurt too. Freddy, calmer now, just nods and looks straight ahead.
The Tick and Captain Liberty, in the first position, get ready to board the choo-choo train. They high-five each other and the Tick takes the opportunity to make "woo-hoo" noises to mock the other Teams. Grabbing a number from the ground is no small accomplishment so one may as well showboat as much as possible. While Freddy is moaning about how much his head hurts, the Superdumbos get off at the clue stand by the railroad and reach for their clue. Among the clue envelopes are the Fast Forward.
Philo steps out to explain that the Fast Forward will only show up twice in the entire Race, just like how things were in the previous Season. The Team that completes the Fast Forward task will earn the right to head straight to the Pit Stop. Teams can only use the Fast Forward once in the entire Race, Philo says, conveniently glossing over the fact that there aren't enough of those Fast Forward thingies to allow anyone to use it twice in the first place, and adds that Teams must decide when it is advantageous to use the Fast Forward. Yes, it will show up only twice in the Race and a Team would have to carefully evaluate whether to use it now or never. That's some hard science going there, Philo. Please tell the writers to come up with a new script, buddy. For this particular Fast Forward, Teams interested in performing it must find their way to the Buda Castle and search the labyrinth underneath the Castle until they locate the person who will ask them to each drain a chalice of pig's blood. After all, Philo reminds people that Transylvania used to be part of Hungary so they have to bring up vampirism into this leg of the Race somehow. The Superdumbos don't really know what they must do at the Buda Castle (they will only know once they get there) but they don't think they have anything to lose by going for the Fast Forward. They hop back on the choo-choo train back to where they started so that they can get into a cab and look for the Castle.
The Mollywoods are the next to get on the train. Because they (and subsequent Teams) correctly deduce that the Superdumbos will be going for the Fast Forward, they read the clue in the envelope instead. Philo steps out once more to explain that Teams must head over to "Hungary's most famous river", or as Aaron would say, "the Da-noob". Philo pronounces the Danube as the "Dan-yoob". Who would you rather listen to? Teams must go to the Margit Island located on the Danube and locate the Hajos Alfred Nemzeti Sportuszoda for their next Clue.
In case you are confused, Margit Island (or Margaret Island, since it is named after the 13th century Princess Margaret) is a popular tourist destination thanks to its thermal baths. It used to house monasteries of the Dominicans and the Franciscans back in the old days. "Nemzeti Sportuszoda" is a swimming complex designed by Hajos Alfred to make sure that the Hungarian Speedoed studs have a great backdrop to look sexy in. Ergo, "Hajos Alfred Nemzeti Sportuszoda". If you want to impress people at parties with your knowledge of "exotic tongues", Hajos Alfred Nemzeti Sportuszoda never fails to do the trick.
In their cab on the way to Buda (not Buddha, just to make this clear), the Superdumbos are dissing on the Fre&Ks. Captain Liberty once more repeats that there is no way that they could have dropped the gate on Freddy because they were long past the gate when it fell on the pretty boy. The Tick then mocks Freddy by pretending to be the pretty boy and crying, "You messed my face up! You messed my face up! I ain't gonna take no pictures with that face!" The Tick calls Freddy a "supermodel" as if it's a bad thing to be one. (Getting lots of money for pouting to the cameras and walking on the catwalk - yup, that sounds like an awful life alright.) Will the Tick be impressed if he knows that Freddy isn't just a pretty face, he's a pretty face who also teaches people to fly airplanes? Nah, I don't think so either.
After the Mollywoods, the Templates are next. When they hop on the train, Kris says that the train feels "vibratey" and then giggles because she just said something naughty so, yeah, hee-hee, she is so cute, isn't she? Too bad she still looks like a washed-up waitress whose real name is Wendy. She also giggles when she tries to pronounce the big words on the clue. She's so precious, especially for someone who is obviously shaving her age by at least five years. Jon grins at the camera because he wants the world to know how proud he is that his girlfriend is so cute and funny. Love makes the world go round and the Templates make it go round and round and round and round until I feel sick and want to throw up. And when they hop off the train, Kris giggles and says that she wants to get on the train again. Sigh, she tries so hard to be something better than a waitress sometimes, it is hard to hold her against it. The years must be hard on her, what with all those disappointments and shattered dreams of making it big in Hollywood... no wonder she tries so hard to be perky and sunny. She must be scared to look into the dark demons of discontent lurking inside her, much less admit that they exist.
Adam Ant and Rebecca get on the train next. "Choo-choo," he goes in enthusiasm. He likes playing with big trains, I see. Outside, Hayden is having her millionth meltdown of the day when she can't get a cab and Aaron can't help pushing her buttons by a well-placed sarcastic remark or two about her behavior. To a different person, such remarks won't offend, but Hayden is psychotic so of course she takes offense. The Templates manage to get a cab before the Mollywoods, sending Hayden into an even more hysterical (and loud) mode. In the cab, Kris tells Jon that they have just passed "Harron and Ayden." Jon corrects her, "Hayden and Aaron." She giggles and says that she always get their names wrong and both of them grin at the camera because don't you get it, people? Kris is one dumb bunny and she is so adorably cute that way! Cute, that is, for a hard-up waitress whose oral deficiencies are obviously putting her back when it comes to chasing the American dream of being a movie star. Don't be bitter, Kris. And don't giggle.
The Goth-Nots read their Clue while Freddy, waiting for his turn, tells Kendra that his face hurts. I hear him loud and clear the last two times already, that poor baby. Maybe if he stops moving his mouth so often, his face won't hurt so much. With a last "Choo-choo!" Adam Ant gets off the train with Rebecca and allows the Fre&Ks to hop onboard. Is Rebecca feeling special now that the supremely cool Kendra will be planting her butt on the same seat that Rebecca has just vacated? The Goth-Nots and the Mollywoods find cabs to take them to Margit Island. The Fre&Ks locate the Clue and give up the train to the STDs, who do their thing and then let Girl and Girth take over. Three more cab drivers wonder why their passengers have these funny camera thingies following them.
In the FReK cab, Freddy confesses that he feels like he was being a "clown" back then, with his yelling at the other Teams and all. He says that by being hit in the head, somehow he lost control of himself and all his frustrations built-up by the pressures of the last few legs just exploded forth. How sweet, he's pretty and he has self-awareness. You people can keep Jon. I want my pretty Freddy to teach me how to fly. In another cab far ahead, the Superdumbos hope that they can head to the Pit Stop after finishing the Fast Forward. Seeing how this Race has been so far, I emphatize with their concern. I wouldn't put it above the designers to have the Pit Stop open only at 10:00 am the next day and everyone will have to kill each other to get to the Finishing Mat.
Woosh, the Templates are now at the Hajos Alfred Nemzeti Sportuszoda at Margit Island. They realize that it's now time for a Detour. The theme of the day seems to be water, with the options being "Swim" and "Paddle". Philo explains that in "Swim", Teams must head inside the swimming complex, gear up in water polo gear and attempt to score a goal against a local goalkeeper. This must be the supposedly "hard" task. In "Paddle", Teams must head down to the riverside, inflate a boat, and paddle along the Danube to a marker at the other side of the river. Is this the "easy" option? The Templates decide to play water polo because, as Kris says, Jon is a water polo player in real life. Is that why he seems quite dismayed to realize that he has wear a pair of black Speedos? And while we're at it, excuse me but what kind of Speedos are those crappy excuse of lycra? I can't see anything! These disgustingly American examples of prudishness make me miss the delightful, er, contourous outfits of the recent Olympic poolside hunks. I mean, let's face it, Alexandre Despatie would be a creepy-looking midget forty-year old if not for the way he wears those things that wrap around him so snugly but only as much as it has to without obstructing unnecessarily anything else from the audience's view.
The Superdumbos are arguing in their cab. Apparently they are lost, stuck in traffic, or something because they aren't moving and this makes Captain Liberty mad, mad enough to take it out on the Tick, that is.
Jon comes out with his Speedos and Kris of course has to say something inane, like the astoundingly vapid "Dude, my man is so unbelievably hot!" To demonstrate this, the show slow-motions the scene where Jon walks along the poolside. This gives me plenty of opportunity to study the one reason why these two unbelievably one-dimensional people are allowed to be on the Race and unfortunately, I can't see what the big deal is. Okay, he has a gym-honed body with the muscles bulging in all the right places, but that's to be expected, given that he's plastic as can be. But, as the picture will demonstrate, not only is he not packing where it counts, I suspect that he actually shaves every part of his body, if you know what I mean. That or he is naturally hairless. Either way, I'll pass. As for Kris, I'll let that picture do the talking. Waitressing has not been kind on this poor lady.
Oh, back to the water polo thing, they manage to score a gold after what seems like five seconds of bopping around and ten seconds of gauzy scenes of legs and lycra underwater. Their clue tells them to head off to the Gundel Restaurant and locate the next clue by the wine cellar. Philo doesn't say this but Gundel is the most famous dining establishment in Budapest, a Jewish-owned business that was founded in 1894, survived the Holocaust, and expanded into its own wineyard business today. Don't think you can simply just walk in for lunch while dressed in the usual casual tourist outfit though - this place is strictly high-class and if you don't have a Platinum American Express, I'd suggest that you stick to the charming deli down the street from the budget motel you are staying at. Back to Crotchless Ken and Haggard Barbie, Kris declares that the day has been "perfect" as they go look for a cab. After they have changed, of course. Furthermore, she adds, "We just played water polo in Hungary!" Her ability to actually be on this show for seven episodes now and still manage to say nothing of interest whatsoever is unbelievable, to say the least. A few rules of physics must be being rewritten as I speak to accommodate the gaping black hole that is TV personality of her and her equally one-dimensional boyfriend.
The Goth-Nots show up next and Rebecca is leery of the fact that they must wear Speedos. I suppose those one-piece Speedos bikinis are too immodest for her, she prefers a more conversative thong like the one she wears and bares in the photos on her website. She and Adam Ant hold their towels over their front when they approach the pool because they are so modest that way. It must be Rebecca's evil twin that shows her backside cheeks to the camera (her modesty preserved by the lacy back strip of the thong she is wearing) in those photos on her website. On the other hand, these two really have nothing to be ashamed of, or pretend to be ashamed of, whichever the case may be. Adam Ant may need to borrow Ryan Seacrest's tanning machine at the end of the day but he has a fine body.
The Templates get into a cab. I'm sure they have plenty to say about how much they love the cabs in Budapest.
In the pool, these two score a goal after what seems like two seconds. Be in awe at their brilliant strategy. First, Rebecca tries to scan the pool for a player whom she thinks looks like he is "not that good". I am afraid to ask how she can tell a Speedoed hunk who is "that good" from one who is "not that good". And then, she asks Adam Ant to distract the goalie while she tries to score. Adam distracts the goalie with the brilliant age-old tried-and-tested technique of telling the goalie in his adorably wussy manner, "Hi." And then, Rebecca throws the ball to Adam, who catches it and then tosses it and the ball somehow enters the goal.
Excuse me, but Hungary won the gold medal in the water polo event in the recent Olympics, right? Or did I get it wrong and it is the Special Olympics where Hungary got their gold? When the goalkeeper can't even stop Adam Ant...
As the Goth-Nots take off in a cab, the Mollywoods and the STDs show up at around the same time at the Hajos Alfred Nemzeti Sportuszoda. Pornathan immediately starts screaming for Tori to run because the STDs must be first to reach everything, as usual, prompting Aaron to tell Pornathan that he is going to run Pornathan down "like a dog". Oh dear, he is definitely coming between the grand love story of me and pretty Freddy. The Mollywoods head for the water polo. Tori isn't sure whether she wants to play water polo, causing her charming husband to fly off the handle one more time and insist that he will just jump into the pool in his underwear. At the face of such dire threat, how can Tori not agree to do water polo?
Hmm, Aaron in Speedos. Unlike Crotchless Jon, he is definitely not a walking and talking Ken doll, if you get my drift. They score a goal - yes, it must be the Special Olympics where Hungary got that gold - and Aaron boasts as they are leaving that he "totally burned" the goalkeeper who had "no chance" because Aaron has "a cannon for an arm" and he is the "Michael Jordan of water polo". He's cute and I hate to break it to him, even if I do try to do so gently, but I think even I could have scored a goal against that goalkeeper and I have not attempted to swim in nearly ten years. After the Mollywoods have piled into a cab and take off (Hayden as usual not amused by Aaron's cracks), the STDs get into the pool where Tori scores a goal. There's no surprise there - that woman has to do everything in this show. They too leave in a cab.
Girl and Girth are the next to show up. Fat Gus says that he is good with boats so they decide to tackle "Paddle". I appreciate the fact that Fat Gus doesn't want to burn into the retinas of the audience the sight of him in a pair of Speedos but come on, the "Paddle" detour is slow! And it doesn't have a half-asleep goalkeeper! Of course, hindsight is everything so all I can do is sigh as those two run off to the riverside.
The Fre&Ks finally show up. What happened? The cab driver was lost or something? They decide to do the water polo because Freddy tells Kendra that it will take a longer time to inflate a boat and paddle it across the Danube. Speaking of paddling, Fat Gus inflates the boat and he and Hera push it into the water. As they row, Fat Gus tells Hera to use more force. Hera comments that she is finding this task difficult. Is she regretting her not taking Waterpolo Walter as her Team buddy in favor of her father?
Oh my, the Superdumbos are still on the road. Their cab driver is definitely lost, as Captain Liberty points out that they have been on that particular road a few times already.
After huffing and puffing hard, Girl and Girth manage to reach the marker at the other bank and retrieve their clue. Now all they need is to get a cab that will take them there. Elsewhere, the Fre&Ks score a goal just as easily as the other Teams. I weep for the waterpolo legacy of Hungary. I also weep because the show doesn't deem fit to show me much of Freddy's Speedoed self when they try so hard to force-feed me Jon and Kris. Freddy's body isn't the most defined ever but it's a more "real" and hence sexier body than the overly-honed musculature of Jon, I find.
Finally, the Superdumbos reach the Buda Castle. After checking with some locals standing around the place, they locate the entrance to the labyrinth and descend into the catacombs. Do you know that the island on which Buda Castle is situated on, the Várhegy (or Castle Hill), is considered the very place where the city of Budapest was founded? They manage to locate (quite easily, actually) the table where chalices of pig's blood are set. The guy supervising the whole thing is wearing a shroud in an effort to look sinister and menacing but the Superdumbos are above feeling fear. They drown the blood without even a little hesitation. It is only when they have finished that Captain Liberty remembers to say dryly, "Yucks." They realize that they can now head straight to the Pit Stop, the Budapest landmark called the Fisherman's Bastion. This Bastion is built as a monument to the fishermen who founded against the invaders of Buda Castle back in the Middle Ages. So it's off to the Fisherman's Bastion they go.
The Superdumbos learn from the locals lingering around hoping for camera time that the Fisherman's Bastion is just "over there". They run across the street, up the stairs (the Tick commenting that the blood doesn't taste like blood - I'm afraid to ask how he is so sure what blood tastes like), and straight to the Finishing Mat. Hello, Philo. Er, who's that funny black-clad guy with funnier moustache? "Welcome to Budapest," the VIP says, only to then roar, "HUN-GAAAA-REEE!" I notice that this guy is holding a whip. Even the Tick seems to be taken aback by this fellow, and this is a guy who drowned a chalice of piggy blood without much thought. Philo tells the Superdumbos that they are - duh - team number one. Captain Liberty squeals and throws herself at Philo - ouch - and even bites him in the neck. No wonder these two have no problems drinking piggy blood, eh? What do you think, Funny Guy With Whip?
No, I mean, why do you think Captain Liberty take a chomp from Philo like that -
Oh, I get it! Never mind, thanks!
Philo laughs and rubs his neck as he tells Captain Liberty, "I guess that blood got to you, huh?" Now you know what to do to really turn Philo on in bed, eh, people? He gives the Superdumbos a free trip to "romantic Europe" (what, haven't these people seen enough of Europe already, being that six out of seven episodes take place in Europe?) and the Superdumbos cheer. The Tick says that this is why you and I should never give up. Yes, because it doesn't matter how far behind you are, there will always be a place that will open only at 10:00 am the next morning. Or a charter flight that leaves only after everyone has arrived. Don't give up. In fact, don't even bother!
At the Gundel, the Templates have arrived. By the door of the wine cellar, they realize that it's now time for a Roadblock. The clue asks, imaginatively, "Who is ready to spice up their life?" Philo steps out to explain that the Team member must now use a spoon (so there's really no option of drinking straight out of the bowl) to finish a 24-ounce bowl of "extraordinarily spicy soup". The show cuts to some chef preparing this "spicy soup" and it seems to me that they are just mixing a variety of spices with water. Ugh, sort of like Tabasco Sauce in water, I guess, only ten times worse. Kris asks Jon whether he wants to do it but he reminds her that each of them can only do a maximum of six Roadblocks and so far he has done most of the Roadblocks. Oh, come on, Jon, Kris is just concerned that the soup will give her more wrinkles. She can't afford to look any more like a Britney Spears impersonator who can't afford Botox. So in the end, Jon ends up being the one to do the Roadblock.
Manic violin screechings greet them as Jon sits down to eat. These musicians are either paid to drive the Teams crazy with their over-the-top annoying music or they are still suffering from the mother of all hangovers when they start to play because the music is really bad. It's the kind of music that will only make one's headache worse. Which is, I suspect, is the intention of having the musicians present in the first place. Jon tastes a spoonful of soup and says that it is hot. Tell me something I don't know, dude.
The Goth-Nots are stuck in traffic. Ho-hum.
The Mollywoods show up. Aaron will be stepping up to the task. Inside, Jon shows for the first time that he has some measure of wit when he tells a chef standing nearby, "Did you make this? It's a little spicy. I think you might want to tone it down a little bit." Kris naturally laughs like it's absolutely the funniest thing a man can say. Jon ruins the small measure of wit by realizing that wa-hey, he has cracked a funny and consciously repeats it again, "Just tone it down a little crack next time." Repeating the punchline will not make the joke any funnier. Hasn't someone told Jon this? Kris, of course, is laughing but then again, it's Kris, shudder.
As the Mollywoods get down to business, the STDs show up and of course Tori is doing the Roadblock. I will laugh when Tori is not eligible to do any more Roadblocks and Pornathan is reduced to screaming like a baby when he has to climb mountains and get himself dirty. While Jon and Aaron are enjoying their dinner, Tori tastes a little of the soup and quickly whines that it's so spicy. Since she's scrunching up her face, she's finding the spiciness far from enjoyable. Pornathan yells at the musicians to shut up because they are driving Tori (read: himself) crazy. I swear the musicians only increase their volume. Jon tells Kris that the music is not helping him at all. She responds by massaging his shoulders. Because she's really nice - and I'm not being facetious for once because she is being nice here - she decides to cheer Tori on when Pornathan is calling Tori all sorts of names because he thinks that Tori is, among other things, a "lightweight" that is "not doing it right". Unfortunately, Kris cheers Tori on by clapping her hands and generally acting like a ten-year old girl in her birthday party so I really don't know how she is really helping Tori. Tori ignores Kris and tells Pornathan that she will stop eating until he shuts up. That will be nice if she actually stops eating while she is saying that. Because nobody is listening to her, Kris gives up on cheering Tori on and instead massages Jon's shoulders some more while telling him that he is "the man". She also tells Pornathan to "support" Tori. He pays her no heed. She turns to Tori and starts chanting, "You've got it! You've got it!" Tori acts if Kris is dead to her. Poor Kris, nobody other than Jon cares for anything she has to say. I wonder why.
Aaron pauses in his slurping to ask Pornathan sarcastically why Pornathan doesn't do the Roadblock if he thinks he knows how to drink the soup correctly. Pornathan pauses in his harangue to give Aaron the evil eye. See, when Aaron talks, people listen. Poor, poor Kris. Tori gives Pornathan a scowl and tells Aaron that she is the one to do all the "hard stuff" on the Race, that's why. Hayden tells the camera that she agrees with Aaron and she is puzzled as to why the "dictator" Pornathan is treating his wife that way. Not that she is supportive of Aaron in any way, mind you. She is telling Aaron that he will have the "runs" after this Roadblock. I have no idea how that will spur Aaron on but I guess Hayden has her reasons for saying the things she says.
Jon finishes his soup first. Yay! Now the Templates can go away and the show can finally have some personality going for itself. Outside, the Goth-Nots have arrived and Rebecca announces that she will be doing the Roadblock without consulting Adam Ant. Adam Ant looks annoyed but apparently he is now a nonentity to Rebecca, that poor guy. They bump into the Templates when the Templates appear at the door and Rebecca asks Jon whether the Roadblock is hard. Jon tell her, "Oh, dude!" It's quite sad but I can't tell any difference between this "Oh, dude!" and the normal conversation Jon had on this show. Adam points out to Rebecca that Jon looks quite sick and says that he is sorry that she will be feeling the same way. And yes, he doesn't look like he's actually feeling sorry about that. In fact, he looks like he's actually looking forward to seeing Rebecca getting sick.
Rebecca enters the room just in time to see Tori throwing up in Jon's now empty bowl. Oh, that will hurt. Tori will now feel the painful burn in her nostrils as well as in her chest - take it from someone who has her share of run-ins with overly spicy food and end up choking on a glass of water. She asks everyone whether "it" is "that" bad. Tori says that she can't eat anymore because she is convinced that she will die if she keeps eating while Aaron tells Rebecca that yes, it is hard. Rebecca tries a spoonful and says defiantly, "Mmm-hmmm!" Aaron in a deadpan tells her that that's what he said too... in the beginning. For good measure, he belches loudly. Oh, Freddy, I may have to say goodbye to our love story because Aaron is making it so hard for me to be strong against his charms!
Tori is now screaming because there is a hair in her soup and the hair will really kill her if she eats it, she knows it. Rebecca, meanwhile, is slurping up the soup like a trooper, which only drives Pornathan into another stream of verbal abuse directed towards his wife. Tori throws up again, loudly, which causes Aaron, who is sitting next to her, to fight back his own impulse to throw up. Hayden, who really should marry Pornathan and be done with it, tells Aaron that Rebecca is going to beat him. Aaron sighs and tells Hayden that she is his biggest pain in the ass. Hayden is not amused and her fake breasts practically quiver with indignation. Meanwhile, Adam is telling Rebecca to eat faster because, according to him, she won't feel so full if she eats faster. Tori throws up one more time, prompting Pornathan to tells her coldly to just stand up and go. Aaron finally throws up onto the floor, although whether that is a reaction to the spices, the disgusting behaviors of Pornathan and Hayden, or both, I don't know. The musicians stop, as if they are shocked that the funny man with a big and wry grin has finally succumbed to mortal weakness. "I think we need more music," Adam Ant says. Oh, he is so funny sometimes! Why does this show keep focusing on the chemistry-free Templates or the painful STDs when there are some funny men on this show?
The music resumes. I believe the piece is called Nostrils On Fire, a perfect backdrop to accompany the symphony of puke coming from Tori (accompanied by the drips of ooze falling onto a bowl) and Aaron (splattering nicely his soup onto the floor). Rebecca seems unfazed by the charming antics going on around her as she just keeps eating and eating. Adam marvels to the camera that she is taking everything down like a "machine" and tells Rebecca that she's doing great. Hayden helpfully tells Aaron to throw up some more if that will help him. I'm sure it will help him more if Hayden will just be quiet for once. "Scoop it like I told you!" Pornathan shouts at Tori, thus rounding up this charming tableau of soup and spice.
Let's see what the remaining two Teams are doing. Oh, there are the Fre&Ks and Girl and Girth, both in their respective cabs and heading towards the Gundel. Outside the Gundel, the Templates finally manage to get a cab that can take them to the Fisherman's Bastion. Jon says as he gets into the cab that he needs a window seat because "between the bowl of Tabasco sauce and the screeching violins, it was a torturous project." Unlike Kris who seems incapable of constructing a sentence that has more than three words or doesn't contain the words "cool", "dude", and "awesome", Jon sometimes drops hints that there may be hope for him yet. After all, Pinocchio finally received his dearest wish to become human, so one day Jon may receive his heart's dearest wish too.
Rebecca has finished her soup. When she and Adam are finally outside the restaurant, she can't hold back anymore and bends over to throw up into the plants at the roadside. Charming. Adam, watching her, tells the camera that he loves her and wants them to get back together. Words cannot describe how funny that scene is, with her puking while he is telling the world that he wants her back. To give him credit, more than Rebecca gives him, that is, he actually tries to comfort her, although being Adam, his attempts are noticeably awkward if earnest. This guy needs a big brother. Is Aaron willing to adopt Adam? Adam asks Rebecca whether she's okay and she nods and says yes. In the cab, Adam turns to Rebecca and asks her whether she will throw up on him. It is an awful attempt at levity, I must admit. Rebecca pretty much rolls up her eyes as she answers him absently, "Maybe."
Back inside, Tori is weeping piteously. Pornathan, ever the loving husband, dismisses her with a contempt-laden, "Drama queen!" He's the one to talk. She just tells him to go away because it is making her feel worse and also, she doesn't know what else to say to him so please, he should go away and leave her alone. Tori then proceeds to vomit again. Pornathan yells at the musicians to shut up. It didn't work the first time and it doesn't work this time. Aaron is trying to eat but as he tells Hayden, it is Tori with her incessant tears and vomiting, not the soup, that is making Aaron nauseous. And so he throws up again. Tori joins him, leading Pornathan to keep calling her a drama queen and telling her that she can't finish the soup and he just knows that. Don't forget, people, he's the Mental Magician after all. He knows things.
The Fre&Ks show up at Gundel and Freddy declares that he is a "bear" who will finish anything the show puts in his way in "about two seconds". Inside, even the musicians are looking green in the face, not that I blame them. The whole place must reek of vomit by now. As Freddy eats, finally Tori and later Aaron finish their soup and hastily leave the restaurant. I have a feeling that they will settle for bread without the soup come mealtime at the Pit Stop. Pornathan is suddenly apologizing profusely to Tori, overdoing it actually, and Tori tells him to can it because it will really help her if he will just shut up. Hmm, she has some backbone in her. Dare I hope that she will learn how to show it more often later in the Race? In the other cab, Hayden is telling the driver to go fast in Spanish. Aaron, looking sick to his gills, tells her that she has just spoken Spanish to a Hungarian cab driver. She snaps that she doesn't care what she has just said. Aaron obviously hasn't received the memo that everyone in the world speaks Spanish nowadays.
Kendra, bless her, is watching Freddy eat and cheering him on when she notices her surroundings. Typical of her not to filter her thoughts before she puts them to words, she points out to Freddy the huge amount of vomit all over on the floor. The camera pans helpfully on the floor to illustrate what she is talking about. Who shall I send the thank-you note to? Freddy takes a look and as to be expected, quickly throws up. Kendra cringes but tries to look at the bright side. Freddy has now less soup to finish, right? Freddy points out that he has thrown back at least four ounces (in his estimation) into the bowl. Kendra doesn't understand what her husband-to-be is saying until he scoops up his own vomit from the bowl before her eyes. Kendra realizes what she has done and begins to cry while sobbing out how sorry she is about what she has made Freddy do.
Girl and Girth are approaching Gundel. Freddy has better hurry because I have this feeling that Fat Gus can beat him in the competition. Call it a hunch.
The STDs and the Templates reach the Fisherman's Bastion at about the same time. To get to the Finishing Mat, they have to either climb the stairs (like the Superdumbos did) or take the funicular up. Tori says that she will never eat again and oh, she has also thrown up in her hair. Pornathan insists that he said what he did back there just to "motivate" her. Maybe he'll do a better job if he takes out a whip and start flogging her bloody. When the two Teams meet at the funicular terminal, Jon asks the STDs, "Dude, how good was that soup?" Okay, so he uses that word again but I'm more concerned about how he doesn't seem to know how to be witty other than pointing out the obvious. Sort of like pointing to the thunderstorm outside the house and asking the guests in his house, "Dude, ain't that an awesome storm or what?" I'm sure Kris will laugh until her head falls off and has to be restitched back to her neck but I don't think many other people will be laughing with her. Hey, here's an idea: he can hook up with Aaron and learn from the master!
Farther behind, Adam Ant is still praising Rebecca for her soup-guzzling prowess. He sounds so earnest, he's really kinda sweet. In the other cab, Hayden is nagging Aaron about how she would have done the soup-guzzling so much better than he did and then orders him to wipe his nose. What is Aaron doing with this woman? Run away, Aaron, run away!
In the funicular, both the STDs and the Templates (in separate cars) are planning to make a dash to the Pit Stop. After all, they will all die if they lose to the other Team by one minute. Pornathan brusquely tells Tori not to cry when they reach the Pit Stop. Oh please, we don't need to see her crying at the Pit Stop to see that Pornathan is an ass. The camera is running all the time. Who is he trying to fool? When the furnicular reaches the top, the Templates manage to beat the STDs to Philo and the Snidely "HUN-GAAAAAA-REEEEEEE!" Whiplash VIP. The Templates are team number two and the STDs are team number three. Pornathan doesn't scream at Tori this time because he still believes that he can salvage his image.
What's a "furnicular"? Adam Ant, in the cab, wonders aloud whether it is a bicycle for two people. Aaron, call Adam STAT. Bring the Queer Eye guys along too. That little bumpkin needs all the help he can get.
Freddy finally finishes his spicy vomit soup and Kendra holds him and tells him what a great job he did as they stagger out to get a cab. They are gone when Girl and Girth shows up at the restaurant where Fat Gus agrees to perform the Roadblock. Their paddling adventure must have taken more time that the editing suggested.
Adam, when he realizes what a furnicular is once the Goth-Nots reach the Fisherman's Bastion, wants to ride it. Rebecca wants to take the stairs, which is courageous indeed for her considering how she must be still feeling the aftereffects of the soup on her system. I believe this is what finally sways her into agreeing to take the furnicular. It can't be because she is finally ready to talk and discuss things with Adam, surely?
Fat Gus downs the soup and he and Hera rush out to get a cab. Oh dear, can they catch up with the Fre&Ks?
The Goth-Nots are thrilled with their furnicular ride because it is so "dope". They must stop hanging out with the Templates and hang out with Aaron instead. As they ascend to the top, the Mollywoods reach the Bastion and decide to run up the stairs. Not aware that the Mollywoods are running like crazy up the stairs, the Goth-Nots casually walk out of the furnicular, with Rebecca admiring some soldiers marching around the square and Adam teasing her by saying that he will bring her back here someday. He really does know how to say the sweetest thing sometimes, doesn't he? Anyway, the Mollywoods beat the Goth-Nots to the Finishing Mat where they are declared by Philo to be team number four. The Goth-Nots are team number five and Rebecca is still reluctant to embrace Adam when he throws his arms around her. Give it up, Adam. I'm sure Aaron knows plenty of cute gals he can hook Adam up with once Adam has gotten a makeover and has all the nailclippers in the house hidden away.
The Fre&Ks get out of their cab. Now, I know Kendra has said some really stupid things on the show. I don't, however, believe that Kendra is in any way racist like many people are suggesting - just ignorant. And now, watching as Freddy and Kendra seem to lean on each other for strength and support as she guides him up the stairs and asks him whether he is sure that they should walk instead of taking the furnicular, I am going to be swimming even farther against the tide by saying that, of all the dating/engaged couples remaining on this show, Freddy and Kendra seem to be the couple with the strongest and most genuine emotional bond between them. Yes, sometimes he treats her like a daughter instead of a girlfriend and sometimes she acts like a spoiled princess but at the end of the day, they both pull through for each other when it counts the most. Compared to Hayden and Rebecca who seem to loathe their Team partners at times, these two seem to, so far, work together so well. So yes, I'm actually rooting for this Team this Season now that the DMJs and the Mormodels are gone.
Girl and Girth have arrived too. They take the furnicular. Freddy and Kendra walk up the stairs slowly. Girl and Girth reach the top. The Fre&Ks reach the top and wonder where the Finishing Mat is. Girl and Girth spot the Mat and head towards it. Philo stands stoically with Snidely "HUN-GAAAA-REEEE!" Whiplash until he spots the Team walking towards him. He cocks his head to make out who that Team is. It could be Girl and Girth as they spot the Mat first. Right? No, it's the Fre&Ks who walk up to Philo. It's obvious that a huge weight has lifted from them when they step onto the mat - their sigh of relief is obvious if not audible. As Philo tells them that the Fre&Ks are team number six, Freddy says in a weary voice just begging for TLC that he has had a bad day.
Fat Gus and Hera must be really far behind contrary to what the editing suggested. It is much later when they step up to Philo. Since they are the last Team to arrive, they have to be eliminated from the Race. Hera sighs and says that it has really been a long day and Fat Gus adds that they have been encountering "one thing after another". But they naturally love each other and are closer because of the Race, et cetera, and they are each other's best friends. Goodbye, those two. I can't say I don't see this coming, given that this Team is always slow and makes things worse for themselves by choosing the slower Detours nearly every time, but they are one of the dwindling numbers of pleasant Teams remaining on the Race. I will probably miss them when the STDs end up in the Final Three (please, I hope not).
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