I Wasn't Even Going To Touch You Until You Slammed My Head Backwards!
The Amazing Race 4: Episode 3

It's a plane! When we left off last week, we're in Venice, we've lost one of the dating/engaged coed couples (we have twenty more to go - now if we can lose another one of the fifty Steves and twenty Daves populating this show, I'll be even less confused), Father And Freak hate Team DADT and vice versa, and Philo needs to eat some home-cooked meal fast. This week, we hear Philo telling us that Venice is the romantic heart of Europe since the 15th century, and then we pan to a brief sight of Team Incontinent Air laughing like evil demons along with the other Teams on the Race. Or maybe it's the evil demonlords Kabung and Kabang laughing through the vessels that are the Incontinent Air, because as we soon see, this slow and useless team keeps advancing even as some strange misfortunate befalls other teams and eliminate them one by one.

Since Incontinent Air used the Fast Forward last week, this week they leave first at 2:45 am. They open their clue to learn that they must travel by train some three hundred miles down to Vienna, Austria. There, they will have to stick their heads down the "historic" sewers of Vienna and make their way to the next route marker. Kabung and Kabang begin immediately wheezing and puffing their way into a cab and to the train station, Kabung telling Kabang that his knee hurts, and they stare at the time at the board: it's now 3:05 am. Oh dear, what lovely shiny numbers. They ask a local what they are supposed to do now. The helpful local does what one would usually do when one is approached by two ugly old men at 3:00 am in the morning - send those scary men as far away as possible. He suggests that Kabung and Kabang take a train to Padua, and then from Padua take the train to Vienna. Incontinent Air decides to take the advice - not as if they have any other alternatives - and leave for Padua because as Kabung/Kabang (don't care which) says, they want to make the best of their meagre lead and not mingle with the other nine "cutthroat" teams. Poor Father and Freak, who have formed a one-sided attachment to this useless team, will be so heartbroken to hear themselves being described as "cutthroat". Ah well. That will teach Father and Freak not to jump queues and play dirty for ungrateful old tossers next time.

At 5:20 am, Team DADT is off. Top Gun says that everyone thinks Team DADT is arrogant, but they will show everybody by winning this show and Proving Evil Heterosexuals that Married Gay Couples Are So On And Can Win A Million Dollars too. And having done that, then they'll break up.

5:22 am. The Barrs are off. Roseanne says that right now she's just giving her 2% because she's just worn out. She hopes to give her full 50% to the Team soon. "DID YOU HEAR THAT, DAN? SHE SAID SHE WILL GIVE YOU HER 50% WHY WON'T YOU LISTEN..." *thwack* they're off.

5:23 am. Here are the Cordelias. Blonde is resentful that Brunette is not "sacrificing" for the race. Brunette resents the idea that she's accused of not giving her all. Oh, spare me.

The invisible Oily Bohunks at 5:24 am. If you can't tell by now, the teams are all leaving at almost the same time. It'll get really ugly at the train station. The Bohunks talk about how they are becoming better and now their plan is to not to be eliminated.

Hmm, who are they again? Did they just say something?

5:24 am. The Sideshow Bobs. They remind people that they are clowns. At the rate they are going, they'll have to do a lot of reminding.

5:25 am. The train wreck known as Cyrus creaks and groans out of the gate. Cyndi talks about the tension between them both, and trust me, she's not talking about sexual tension. It's hard to have sexual tension with a complete jerkass like Russell unless one has a thing for emotionally castrated balding egomaniac losers like that jerkass. She is reconsidering their relationship. I am with her all the way - girlfriend needs to get a clue after all - but I will seriously consider a less public venue to work out my issues if I were her.

5:26 am. The MillieChuck is off. The show thoughtfully reminds us that nothing funny went on last night in the MillieChuck boudoir by reminding us that this team is "Dating 12 Years/Virgins", the TV equivalent of a scarlet F (F for Freak) on the forehead. Virgin Millie says that she can't "wait forever" for Chuck. Why wait forever when you can buy a better mechanical alternative for sixty bucks? Chuck says that this Race is helping him avoid thinking about whether they should get married - as opposed to his not wanting to get married for the last twelve years? Chuck, you're gay. Face it, you don't spend twelve years with a woman you profess to love and not have any sort of intimate relationship with her unless you have serious issues with the bible-shaped lock on your closet door. Here's to Chippo ditching that annoying porn-star parody Top Gun to teach Chastity Chuck a thing or two about the glory of manlove while Blonde Cordelia will ditch her whiny Brunette buddy and hook up with the Virgin Millie.

At 5:27 am, Father and Freak race off. They repeat the same thing about the father-son antagonism thing they have been saying for the last two episodes.

At 5:31 am, the Hot Mommas are off, telling us that this is not over 'til it's over, and oh yeah, they're NFL wives, really, no joke.

I cringe, anticipating another team charging out to bore me with the exact same things they have been saying ad nauseum for the last two weeks, only to sigh in relief when I realize that the Hot Mommas are the last team to leave. Phew, now that the obligatory psychobabble is done with, let's all get on with the Race.

Team DADT reaches the station first at 5:20 am, followed by the Barrs, the Cordelias, and the Bohunks in the same order they left the Pit Stop. Brunette Cordelia says that the people of Venice must be in great shape as she struggles to climb the stairs up to the ticket machine. Team DADT and the Oily Bohunks soon learn that the direct train for Vienna leaves at 1:15 pm, almost eight hours away, so there has to be another way. At this moment, the other teams begin filing in, with the Hot Mommas surprisingly coming in earlier than the other remaining Teams.

A helpful local informs the Holy Pecs Alliance that they could take a train to Vienna through Verona and Innsbruck at 6:54 am. It's all hush-hush, but the Hot Mommas have bonded with Team DADT, because as Hot Mommas say to the camera, they are minorities, being two gay men and two Black women on the show. (I guess that solves the question whether DADT will come out to the other Teams.) Team DADT inform the Hot Mommas of this 6:54 train. Not that it mattered - the moment the Teams see Team DADT and the Bohunks dashing for the train, they all follow like desperate lemmings having caught scent of the Red Sea.

Alas, the Virgin Millie gets an asthma attack. Chuck is already dashing ahead of her, but she thoughtfully reminds him by screaming out his name as she is held up by the Sideshow Bobs. She says that she gets asthma sometimes when she exercises and she's never happier to see a clown than at this moment. "Take off my shirt," she demands of Chuck as she struggles with her inhaler. Chuck, at loss as to what to do ("How do I remove a woman's shirt?"), nonetheless does it - probably with whispered instructions from the Sideshow Bobs - and they all watch as the train pulls away with the other seven Teams on it.

On the 6:54 am train, the Cordelias are sniping and bitching at each other, an argument that started when Blonde told Brunette earlier to lighten her backpack because Brunette was slowing them down and Brunette took Blonde's words the wrong way. Brunette says that Blonde must learn manners because it's bad manners to argue in public, and to set a good example, she closes her ears and makes stupid faces at Blonde when Blonde answers back. "I can't *bleep* look at you," Blonde says after announcing that this is a Race and she is right in telling Brunette to keep up. She marches away, and Roseanne Barr, seated beside the still monkey-faced Brunette, rolls up her eyes in disgust. Don't be so self-righteous, Roseanne - have you seen yourself with Dan?

Kabung and Kabang of Incontinent Air are at the Padua station, where they are informed that they are, well, at the wrong station and they must go back to Venice. Kabung/Kabang tells Kabang/Kabung that they have just "boned" themselves "something fierce". "Alright!" Kabang/Kabung says, "let's go home then!"

At 7:54 am, we see the MillieChuck and the Sideshow Bobs, along with Cyrus (why aren't they on the first train?), boarding a train that followed the same route as the 6:54 am train. Kabung and Kabang board the next train at 8:54 am. Coming soon near you at good bookstores everywhere: How To Take A Fast-Forward And %$#@ It Up by yours truly, Team Incontinent Air.

The first train reaches Vienna at 6:37 pm, where the Teams eagerly dash down the streets to look for the sewers. Dan Barr spots the route marker flag first and hollers eagerly to the others to follow him. Alas, they are all really annoyed when they realize that the sewers opens at 8:00 am. I share their pain. All that sneaking around and planning - for nothing? Bonghammer must pay. This is not nice. We should reward ingenuity and cunning. I don't think I like the direction this show is going. The Teams all head off disconsolately to look for a place to sleep for the night. The second train reaches Vienna at 7:37 pm, the third at 9:04 pm. Not that it matters. The Teams will all start at square one again tomorrow morning, barring some Team oversleeping, which I doubt is a very likely possibility.

Indeed, at 8:00 am the next day, the Teams are all gathered around the sewer. It is very cold and it is also raining. Russell makes an unfunny quip about ground hogs. Kabung and Kabang are so happy that they are all equal. I think they are the only ones feeling that way. Blonde Cordelia is whining that she doesn't understand why the Race keep bunching everybody. It makes good TV, I guess, this element of unpredictability that comes from bunching, but I'm really not feeling the love for this show's increasing frequency of bunchings. Then they're all walking down the stairs into the sewer, which Freak complains "smells like "ass". He should know. Some silly woman says that the sewer is scary. Someone wonders if she has stepped onto "potty water". Dan Barr whoops that he's overtaking the Cordelias, not caring that he's leaving Roseanne behind in his eagerness to overtake the Cordelias. Finally, Team DADT and the Barrs make their way out of the sewers first, running towards the clue stand in front of the statue of Strauss. The Hot Mommas and the Cordelias are close behind.

The Teams must now stand before a fiacre (horse carriage/phaeton thing) and when a fiacre shows up, they must grab the pass hanging from the sides of the fiacre to get on it. The fiacre will take them to the next stop, the Schonbrunn Palace six miles from where they are. Here's the thing: there are only four fiacres maximum per trip, and there is a half-hour interval between each trip. There are three fiacres waiting for the first trip. Ten teams, three fiacres. This is really going to be good.

Team DADT and the Barrs leap onto a fiacre each, while the Hot Mommas occupy the last one. They are all seated smugly and thumbing their nose down like Marie Antoinettes at the other unhappy Teams, until the Sideshow Bobs tap on the DADT's fiarce. See, the clue specifically says that you need to take the pass hanging on the door to board a fiarce. And the Sideshow Bobs are waving the pass to DADT's fiacre before their noses. Team DADT curses, but alas, there is nothing they can do but to get off the fiacre so that the Sideshow Bobs can climb onboard. Likewise, the Cordelias wave the pass at the Barrs' face. Hah - poetic justice, eat that, Dan! The Barrs committed the same mistake as the DADT. Roseanne sputters, curses, and whacks Dan in the chest, conveniently forgetting that she also did not read the clue properly along with Dan. Dan says that it's okay to let the Cordelias take their fiacre, because he's sure the Cordelias will self-destruct soon.

At 8:30 am, the first three fiacres are off.

The clock ticks. 8:30 am soon turns into 8:55 am as everyone waits for the first three fiacres to leave the stop. Dan is really beginning to panic about being left behind and Roseanne asks him to calm down. The Holy Pecs Alliance cut a deal: apparently the Bohunks will distract the other teams while DADT will run and grab two passes, one for each of them. Now, I don't know how the Bohunks intend to distract the other teams. Public gay sex? Striptease? Physical assault and battery on the other teams? Whatever it is, it will remain a mystery because there's no stopping the other Teams once they see a fiacre coming down the street. Team DADT and the MillieChucks both decide that they will dash and grab for the pass the moment the fiacre dares to show itself on the road, so look, there goes Chippo and the Virgin Millie! Then Chippo realizes that he has overshot the carriage, pauses and swings his hands out to steady himself as he skids to a halt, and wham! He grabs the pass, but both he and Millie crash into each other. No matter - Chastity Chuck runs past them to grab the pass for the second fiacre while the Bohunks are... well, distracting somebody with whatever it is they are doing to distract people. The fight for the first two fiacres leaves the third fiacre unguarded, leaving Dan to grab it easily for him and his missus. Heh, this is so funny.

The Virgin Millie calls Chippo a jerk.

The Oily Bohunks are not happy when DADT fails to grab a pass for them. Top Gun try to placate them but he isn't doing too well, as expected from someone with interpersonal skills like Top Gun. The Bohunks tell the camera that they have "given up a lot" to DADT on this race - like asking them to take a train instead of a cab on the first episode, smart one - and it's now Team DADT reciprocrate or they will reevaluate the Holy Pecs Alliance. Yeah, DADT, don't be so selfish. Let the Bohunks be the top guns once in a while!

What a stupid team. Both of them!

Meanwhile, Chippo walks up to the Virgin's Fiacre to apologize. The Virgin Millie is blaming Chippo for everything, saying that he started the "manhandling crap" first and it was he who slammed her head backwards. Chippo points out that his lip is cut. They both agree that it is an accident and while there are no love lost, things seem okay for now. Chippo walks away. Then the Virgin Millie laughs in an embarrassed, horrified manner, wondering whether she really cut Chippo's lips. Chuck looks ahead, stony, tight-jawed, probably angry that someone tried to harm his missus. That or he is trying to contain his powerful arousal at the sight of Chippo's blood, because he's probably some sort of mutant vampire who can't have sex but can certainly feed on blood. Yes, I'm think too much and I try too hard in trying to understand how you can spend twelve years with a woman and not wanting to dip your toes in the pond, so to speak. She has already said she can't wait forever. Chuckie, what are you waiting for? (Top Gun?)

Back to the show, that means the second trip will see the MillieChuck, DADT, and the Barrs getting a half-hour lead over the Bohunks, Father and Freak, Cyrus, and the Incontinent Air.

In the excitement of the Virgin Millie drawing blood from Chippo, let's not forget the first three teams. At this point in time, the Cordelias, the Hot Mommas, and the Sideshow Bobs are at the palace, where they read the clue detailing their Detour: "Mozart" or "Beethoven". "Mozart" requires the Team to carry a string bass to Mozart's house six miles away, the house where he wrote The Marriage Of Figaro. "Beethoven" requires the team to carry music sheets in a portfolio case to the house where Beethoven wrote The Heiligenstadt Testaments. The trouble with "Beethoven" - apart from being overplayed on elevators, seminar rooms, and "please hold, the operator is busy" tracks - is that this house is one of the five houses owned by Beethoven scattered throughout Vienna. The Team may have a tough time searching for the correct house.

Sheree Hot Momma asks Monica Hot Momma what she wants to do. "Are you kidding?" Monica asks her. Of course they'll do the shorter if more physically demanding detour - Mozart! The Cordelias and the Hot Mommas decide to team up for a little Girl Power, asking directions and figuring out the way to go together. The Sideshow Bobs also decide to do Mozart. Not in the necrophilia sense of doing Mozart, naturally. They let us know by yodelling "Figaro-o-o!" Because they're funny, see. Except that they're not. At all. Shut up, freaks.

They head off, and later, the second bunch of Teams come on over to molest the Clue Stand. Chastity Chuck tugs at the same envelope as Top Gun - must be some gay foreplay/courtship thing. MillieChuck and DADT head off to run the Mozart detour, but Roseanne Barr tells Dan that she'd rather do Beethoven because it'll be easier and lighter. I guess she'll be helping him carry the burden? No, I don't believe that either. As usual, Dan pauses to check his map but she yells at him to hurry up, "You're wasting time!" before grabbing his hand and dragging him along. Of course, if he doesn't check his map and they get lost, she'll yell at him anyway for being a moron. Poor Dan can't win.

We see Cyrus and the Bohunks, face dark and gloomy, in their fiacres coming up after the second batch has dashed off towards their perceived correct direction. They decide to team up and do the Mozart together. Hey, where're Father and Freak and the Incontinent Air?

The Barrs are lost. Dan wonders whether there are more than one house they could be more looking for. He has no idea how close he came to winning the jackpot. Lovely Roseanne however calls Dan "retarded" because in her own words, "How many Beethovens do you think there are?" How on earth did poor Dan get stuck with this loud but dim-witted heifer anyway?

Oh, here are the Father and Freak team. They decide to grab the Fast Forward. Damn, now they'll never get eliminated. The Fast Forward requires the Team to head on down to the palace ballroom where a waltz party is taking place. All the Team members have to do is to carry a tray filled with tall filled champagne glasses, make their way through the dancers, and place the tray at the table before the majordomo, upon which the surly-faced guy will present them the Fast Forward. At last, a Fast Forward that requires the Team to actually do something!

The Barrs are asking for directions at a train station.

Kabung and Kabang are still on their fiacre. They joke that they are the last because the horse is slow. Short of leaping off the fiacre, there is nothing they can do! I doubt they can do anything even if they do leap off the fiacre - unless they are counting on an ambulance to drive them straight to the Pit Stop afterwards. They finally reach the palace, and grimace when they realize that each house is at least fifteen miles away from where they are. I love deluded granpas who accidentally signed up for The Amazing Race when in truth what they really wanted to sign up for was Naked T&A Vegas Sideshows For Horny Old People (Viagra Not Included).

Inside the palace, Father and Freak are getting dressed up in formal attire. For Freak, this means he wears a bow tie over his T-shirt. Father lifts his tray and immediately sends several glasses crashing onto the table. Freak shortly follows by sending a few glasses crashing onto the floor. The dancers are really not slowing down, waltzing their way around as the two men try to navigate themselves through. I wish the dancers have started dancing some crazy-ass crap the way they do in today's clubs, you know, the dances where people wave and kick their arms and hands around in drug-induced frenzy, because that will really make things more fun. Alas, Father manages to make his way to the majordomo with a new tray. Freak says that he is following his father's advice and makes his way slower across the ballroom. Then he's done and then he's really done, howling and jumping and going berserk, just like how he must have behaved when he queued up one month earlier to get tickets for Attack Of The Clones in April 4, 2002, sporting some dubious tattoos and an ugly mohawk hair. I hope this loser doesn't win, because he will blow all the money away on stupid Star Wars collectibles and lightsaber-shaped butt-plugs that came in pairs of "Amidala" and "Leia".

They get to head straight for the Pit Stop, a four-hundred year old castle called the Seeschloss Orth in the town of Gmünden by Lake Traun. Scott Schubert's Lady Of The Lake is born here in Gmünden. Believe it or not, the castle isn't a hotel - it's a wedding license bureau. Father and Freak decide to get a cab to take them to the nearest train station.

The Barrs are in a lovely restaurant or cigar shop - can't really tell - asking a handsome gentleman for directions. But nobody seems to be able to help them, oh dear.

By this time, Girl Power Alliance have found Mozart's house. They also see the Sideshow Bobs squinting at the doorways around the corner. The Hot Mommas quickly suggest that they get into the house before the clowns catch sight of them. There is a horribly dandified guy - "Mozart" - seated in the house. He gives them their clues where they must now go to their next stop: the 1150-foot tower Donaturm overlooking the River Danube.

While the Sideshow Bobs are still running around, the MillieChuck look at the door, realize that they are at the right place, and move right in. The Sideshow Bobs finally realize that they have overlooked the correct house several times in their search, and the Virgin Millie greets them as the MillieChuck leave while the Sideshow Bobs come in. The DADT are here too, and they almost crash into MillieChuck. DADT make a muttered apology, move aside, and the MillieChuck stomp out, looking annoyed. Hee hee.

Roseanne Barr sighs. She says that this Detour is really much harder that she expected. The decision to do the Beethoven has blown up on them big time, she concludes. Finally, a kind old lady who knows where the house is takes pity on them and direct them to the house. An equally ugly and dandified man hands them the clue that asks them to head on down to the Donaturm.

The Girl Power Alliance are meanwhile staring up at the tower as they realize what they have to do now: a Roadblock, where one member has to make her way up to the top and bungee jump all the way down before they can get the next clue. Eeek. Vertigo is calling already. Blonde Cordelia declares that she'll go first - this, she says, is just her cup of tea. The Hot Mommas whisper that this whole scenario is crazy as they squint up at Blonde Cordelia getting ready for the big jump. Then she's going down, weeeee! Now the Cordelias are free to head straight to the Pit Stop. The last team there will be eliminated.

We see Father and Freak buying train tickets to Gmünden.

Sheree Hot Momma is a little freaked out, but she jumps noisily down, laughing hysterically as Monica Hot Momma helps her down and they too dash along with the Cordelias to get their cabs.

Top Gun DADT goes down. One of the Sideshow Bobs, Jon, follow suit after reminding us that he has been shot out of cannons but this is a first. As Jon goes down, the other Sideshow Bob begins whistling in a most irritating manner. Someone please drop a canonball onto his head for me.

Chastity Chuck says he doesn't mind taking the plunge, but the Virgin Millie cuts in in that eeriely upbeat way of hers, saying, "... but I get to do it!" Well, he did offer, so it's your fault, lady, not to take him on that offer. She gets an asthma attack on her way up, but in the end, she goes all the way down nicely. Chastity Chuck, looking up, offers a brilliant insightful observation: "It's high!" And he says, as his missus bungee-jumps down noisily, he's jealous. Because all the guys love Millie but not Chuckie.

The Girl Power Alliance smile and wave at DADT as DADT board the same train to Gmunden.

Cyrus and the Bohunks are now at the tower. Russell takes the numbers for both teams. Stupidly, he lets the Bohunks go up and do the bungee-jumping first.

Kabung and Kabang are also heading close to the tower. The Barrs are ahead of them.

The Oily Bohunks manage to catch the same train as DADT and the Girl Power Alliance. They made it by mere minutes. Earlier, the MillieChuck also manage to catch that train. Russell, having screwed himself and Cyndi, will have to wait at the station for the next train. The Barrs complete their Roadblock (no prize for guessing who did the jump).

Cyrus catch a cab and Cyndi begins arguing with Russell. Russell says that the Oily Bohunks are cutthroats but he's not stooping to their level - no, he just bares his throat to be slitted. Cyndi naturally makes the whole thing All About Them and tries to psychoanalyze their relationship. She's irritating.

The Virgin Millie, on the train, says that there are two teams that are not on the train but the MillieChuck are not letting their guard down. Chastity Chuck looks positively feral as he murders a slice of bread. His pent-up sexual desires for Top Gun must be eating at him slowly from the inside.

Kabung and Kabang realize that they're last. From first to last, they lament, before concluding, ah, there is no way they can keep up with the young ones. Just shut up already, you two. I have seen gutsier and tougher senior citizens on this race who make it far without being drama queens about it. You are worse than the Groanies in the second season. Just shut up and jump already! I did laugh though when Kabung/Kabang makes a joke about Greenpeace coming over and telling them to stop throwing whales from the tower. Of course, they aren't that fat and they aren't that old either, but Kabung and Kabang are drama queens so what do I expect?

As the train makes its way to Gmünden, Father and Freak steps on the Finishing Mat at the Pit Stop. It is raining. Philo is holding an umbrella. The VIP Lady has a guy to hold her umbrella for her. She greets Father and Freak and Philo announces that they are the first team to arrive. No presents though. The show has learned its lesson on the first episode.

The Cyrus manage to get tickets for a 3:05 pm train. Unfortunately, they have no idea that they have bought the tickets to Gmünd, not Gmünden. There are two towns named Gmünd in Austria, I think, but whichever Gmünd these two are heading towards, it's not the correct destination either way. Lucky for them, Kabung and Kabang blissfully walk out to a station only to realize that they are at the wrong station. Oops. Blissfully unaware of their mistake, Cyrus decide to waste away two hours waiting for their train. Russell traumatizes an innocent doggie by calling it beautiful. It's even more tragic when he treats a dog better than he treats his race partner. When they realize their mistake, they have lost forty-five minutes.

Team Hot Mommas cheer and hug as they come in second. Team DADT come in third.

Kabung and Kabang reach the correct station and proceeds to buy tickets to Gmünden.

Team Cordelia is fourth. Since the teams are all within seconds of each other, DADT and Hot Mommas must have outrun them. A most likely scenario, considering what a baggage Brunette Cordelia is.

At the station, Cyndi is haggling and talking with the ticket counter person. The ever helpful Russell stands beside her and imitates her facial expressions for the camera. What a jerk. He must the kind of guy who will stand there and mock the lady's exhausted expression even as she single-handedly rows their lifeboat away from the sinking Titanic before complaining that she smells of sweat.

Fifth place goes to Team MillieChuck.

Kabung and Kabang board their train. They say they are the last.

Sideshow Bobs are sixth. It is now dark - evening is creeping in.

Cyrus on their train. She says it's a two-hour train ride. He says they are the last.

Now it's really dark. We see a team getting out from the train. Oh, it's Kabung and Kabang. I stab three more pins into my voodoo doll in frustration, only to brighten up a little when I realize that their staying is a small price to pay for the train wreck Cyrus leaving. Philo tries to do the Dramatic Pause, but they all end up laughing as Kabung and Kabang can't believe they're still in the Race. "There's always a chance of something happening to another team. This time it was true," Kabung/Kabang says. I hope this is not a premonition of the Race's conclusion. If this team wins, there is no good in this world anymore.

As for Cyrus, Cyndi says that the last few days have been "de-tre-mental" to her because "when the chips are down", she doesn't receive any loyalty and cooperation from her team mate. She says that it will affect how she feels. If this means that she will dump that jerk and never look back, well, good for her! That means there's something good coming out of this mess after all. Russell can only mumble that the experience is a letdown but it is great (huh?). He seems relieved to be able to get away from her. Whatever. Hopefully, months from now when Cyndi is basking in the love and adoration of a truly worthy significant other, she will reflect on her experiences on this show and count her blessings that she gets eliminated early before that jerk Russell turns even uglier on her. Meanwhile, Russell will be cowering in the storeroom, plugging his ears and mumbling, "No, no, make it stop!" as Flodungka screams in the distance, "Russell? Why do I have to do everything by myself? Do you expect me to open the fridge with my own hands? I can't take out the ice cream from the fridge, it's too cold and it cracks my fingernails. You must have me, Russell! Russell? Russell! RUSSSEEEEELLLLLLLL!"

Next week, Chuck gets a panic attack when his Speed Racer gay porn fantasies finally come true.

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