The Amazing Race 3: Episode 9
Burgers? Check. Tissues to be wadded up and tossed at the TV? Check. Cold drinks? Check. Junk food? Check, check, check. We're watching the two-hour special of The Amazing Race 3, people! Woo-hoo!
Only it's a bit of a let-down, the two-hour special, because a lovely miss by the name of Floooooo!!! of Team Tool successfully shattering my eardrums to kingdom come. Did I mention that she's a crazy nutcase? Mix in the Tokens' continuous The Road to Dusfunctionality drama and the expulsion of a team I am really sorry to see go and I get not as much a two-hour extravanganza as much as a two-hour shriekypainful whine-o-palooza. It's still a good show, but for the love of the Almighty Eardrums, can we just sedate Floooooo!!! for the rest of the show? Since she doesn't do road blocks and her sole contribution to Team Tool is to mostly harangue and heckle the Mumbler to ear-bleeding deafness, I don't think the Mumbler will be any worse off if she is knocked unconscious and he has to carry her weight all across the race. But he's already doing that in more ways than one.
Last week, as Philo Koughie explains at the start of the show (he's wearing a brown shirt he probably borrowed from J Lo and the Manboobs are back with a rage, oh shake those funbags, Philo!), the Zoolander Twins came in first. We get a brief As The Pit Stop Turns drama of Drew the Blue and Floooooo! romance going it heavy and hard in the flirtation department. I feel so sorry for the Blue. From his shrewish fishwife elder twin brother to this creature? Talk about sad codependency issues.
Philo also asks the question we Giggles have been wondering: will John Vito use the fast forward? They were last last week despite a truly valiant attempt on their part.
The Twins of Pecs, Matching Undies, and Sheer Hunkodelic Power depart Grindelwald, Switzerland at 4:55 am. The clue tells them to make their way to the nearby icy gorge, Gletscherschluct, go down the gorge, and find a key to a brand new Mercedes (this show is brought to you by the makers of overpriced cars for fat, ugly Republicans, blah blah blah) that they will use to get to the next clue. The Gorge opens only at 9:00 am.
Drew the Blue tells us that he is happy to flirt with Floooooo! - he's single, he's available. He sounds so much like a vapid model in that moment. I wonder why he has to dump his Big Brother issues on Flooooo! like that, but then again, when I consider the women on this show, it's not like he has any other option, has he? There's the female Hydra, but she's a fag hag famewhore who just wants to have the male Hydra's baby for the sake of a sitcom. Rambette Girl is devoted to John Vito as much as he her. That leaves only Terror and Floooooo! as the women he come to close contact with at this stage of the show. If I'm Drew, I'd go with Floooooo! rather than Terror and her disposable power undies. You can shut Flo up and she can be flirty, but you cannot turn off Terror's bad vibes no matter what.
Then again, he's probably shallow and he's on to her just because she's hot. Don't be fooled by Drew's laidback demeanor - check out the Twins' post-race interview on the official CBS site. They aren't oblivious to Floooooo!'s nature, so Drew knows what he's getting into. The interview also shows that the Twins can be really snarky and sarcastic, and their sense of humor is actually sharper than one would expect. I get this "Zack, I can handle her and you can't, hah!" faux-pee-pee fight vibe from Drew in that short interview. Drew is more eeeevil than I expected.
Eeeevil Twins. I like.
The Tools, second last week, depart soon after the Twins. Flooooo! has her long hair down, and she does look good when she isn't opening her mouth for her full-blown banshee impersonation. Floooooo! tells us that Drew the Blue has an advantage over the Mumbler in that Drew's older, more grounded, more mature, and is confident. Which, if what she says is any indication, proves that she's starting to see the Mumbler as Mr Wrong. She's probably the kind of gal who pushes her men around and then complains that they're wimps to let her do that to them. Zach lets her push him around, and she's annoyed with that even as if she can't stop pushing him harder. Flooooo!, you got issues. Check into therapy or invest in a gag ASAP, please.
They pow-wow with the Twins, and since it's more than four hours before they can do anything, they decide to head back to the hotel here they spent the night before at the Pit Stop. Floooooo! in a Twin and Mumbler sandwich. Another reason to hate that shrew.
The Tokens are the next to depart. Terror is saying that no other Team wants to ally with them, everyone's out to get them. That's because you two are evil, unlikeable, hideous, and a total pain to watch, and that's just us viewers. I can only imagine how people who have to race with you can only feel. Fiend says that they're going to prove how they can do it, et cetera (the same thing he's been saying every episode). Oh shut up. Just shut up.
The Sibs next. Skinny Sib misses his family.
John Vito are the last to leave. John Vito explains that their gameplan is now not to be last, that's all.
Unlike the Brat Pack Alliance (Twins and Tools), the remaining three teams proceed to the Gletscherschluct and wait at the lodge for it to open. The Sibs complain that they have no map (which makes me realize that the Twins, with their ever-handy stash of maps and guidebooks, may be more useful to their former alliance than I thought), while the Rambette Girl cheerfully tells her darling John Vito, "Sweetie, the other team's here!" when they reach the lodge first and the Tubby Sibs walk in soon after. The Tokens are the last to arrive - direction problem, the usual.
Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Drew the Blue and Floooooo! are cuddled up in the double bed while the Mumbler - looking stoned (he probably is) - and Derek the Red sleep at each side like holy eunuchs to the omnipotente Queen Banshee and her consort the Befuddled Blue Dude. Flooooo! was sleep, her head cast down, but Drew the Blue is staring up at the ceiling, probably contemplating deep issues like how we can all have world peace and how we can stop the kids from starving. Or maybe he's just imagining Flooooo! naked. With models, I never know. They're like a different species altogether from the rest of us.
Morning. They walk to the lodge and find all the other teams there. Which, of course, makes me wonder why the other three teams have to huddle at the lodge like miserable old hats when they could be sleeping in a nice bed and getting all refreshed like the Brat Pack Alliance here. Some energy and high spirits would have helped a lot in this race.
The Fiend of the Tokens tell the Brat Packs rather edgily, "We got here first." So? When the lodge opens, it's still a free for all as all teams dash down a narrow wooden bridge down this beautiful scenery of ice and all. (Wow. Must visit that place one day.)
Floooooo! just has to complain that it's freezing. Oh hush.
The keys are hanging from a small wooden stand and the stand is almost invisible in the scenery, and the Teams walk past it, until the Mumbler's eagle eye spots it. The Brat Pack Alliance quickly dashes back (they are at the back of the long single file along the bridge, so they have an advantage this time around), and John Vito, in the middle, doesn't hesitate to follow. The Sibs, alerted by the commotion, aren't too far behind, while the Tokens, at the front of the line, stumble to catch up.
Everybody now runs like cute silly doofies to the brand new Mercs waiting for them. These cars come with Swiss flags stuck at the front. People, you hear them. Buy Mercedes and go to Switzerland. The next clue is in the car, and it tells them to drive 36 miles down to Kandersteg, get the car onto a car train for a ride through the Alps, and then proceed to nature reserve theme park place (I didn't catch the name of the place) for the next clue.
John Vito drives off first, and yes, they finally decide to do the Fast Forward.
"Where's the clue?" Oh no, Derek the Red, don't tell me you misplace that clue again!
The Fast Forward for John Vito sees them going off to a cottage surrounded by evil-looking cows. Inside the cottage are many cheese, and they must eat their way through a big plate of cheese cubes. The Fast Forward is hidden under the cubes, and they must eat enough until it is revealed. I can't stand cheese, I order my Big Macs without cheese, so this challenge make me feel rather ill just watching it. Rambette Girl isn't too keen on doing it, and she hopes that it's not smelly cheese. Watching her, I'm suddenly struck by how young she can come off as sometimes. But her upbeat nature is infectious as she wolfs down a square cube. "I'm going to vomit! This is disgusting!" Oh dear, but is it really that bad?
In an amusing turnaround, John Vito, who has been the one pushing Rambette Girl into this, decides he'd rather catch up with the others. He is really sweating it out and gulping down water in between bites. Poor dears. I cannot stand cheese at all, so I can only sympathize with their agony. Then again, for a million bucks, I'd happily eat even a boiled goat's head if I have to. Eat, you two, it's for a good cause - a million bucks, woo-hoo!
In the meantime, Team Tools have reached the toll gate at Kandersteg. Floooooo! asks the person in the booth the time of the next car train, and is told that it's at 10:40 am. They are followed by the Twins and then Tokens. Fiend snaps at his whipping post wife, "Is that 5 francs?" Only this Team can make a three second scene completely repulsive. Once more, all the teams - the Brat Packs, the Sibs, the Tokens - bunch at the same place, same train. The Tokens harass some locals into revealing that the park they are heading to is famous for its bungee jumping. After telling the Sibs, their tentative ally, Terror asks Fiend to inform Floooooo!, knowing full well that Floooooo! has a phobia to heights. She sounds so evil and gleeful, and so is he as he informs Flooooo!, that I can easily imagine why some people would want to stick a burning effigy on their neighbor's garden, if the neighbor is anything like the Tokens. They are nasty, rude, and they revel in being the most miserable suckfaces on earth while emanating an aura of misery to everybody around them.
Floooooo's face, when she learns of the bungee jumping, reminds me of Faizura Balk's in that movie The Curse, right before Balk's character erupts into loud, piercing insane shrieks of anger.
In the meantime, John Vito and Rambette Girl are still trying not to vomit as they desperately chow down random pieces of cheese, hoping to somehow find the Fast Forward. Finally, Rambette Girl pulls up one chunk to reveal portion of the Fast Forward. They begin clearing away the chunks around that area until the Fast Forward is fully exposed. "That was delicious," John Vito sardonically says as they dash out of the smelly cottage. They have now free pass to go straight to the Pit Stop of this leg of the race - on to steamship named Steamship Savoie on Lake Geneva off the city of Montreaux.
While John Vito is driving down to the Pit Stop, the other teams are taking it easy on the car train. Floooo! sits on the car, the Mumbler and Drew the Blue on either side of her. This is like a Paula Abdul Rush Rush video moment. Floooooo! admits that her flirting with Drew the Blue is a way to pass the time, but if she's interested, definitely, and if he shows any signs of recipocrating, she'll be more than willing to go along. When will people learn that TAR is not a blind date show? Take your issues somewhere else, please. She coyly asks Drew the Blue what he will think if Team Tool gets eliminated because she won't do the bungee jumping. (Well, he doesn't answer on TV, but I can guess it'll be something like "Oh good! That means I have a better chance at the grand prize!") The Mumbler says he feels weird and there's a distancing between Floooooo! and he. What's that they say about being the last to know?
Terror tells the camera that she is waiting to see what will happen at the park. Translation? Floooooo! plunging to her death when the Mumbler, fed up with her incessant harpy shrieking, accidentally cuts the bungee cord with his hairband.
When the car train stops, the cars all zoom out like the road hazards they are. Derek the Red is acting rather shrill at his Blue brother. "You have a compass disability and it's severe," he succintly sums up Drew's flaws when Drew finally expresses his frustration at being unable to use his compass. Finally they see this very high peak looming in front of them, and their heigh phobia surfaces. Oh dear.
"Which way should I go?" Fiend snaps at his wife. "I don't know!" she yells back.
Ah, another lovely day with the Tokens. They put the war in divorce.
The Brat Pack Alliance see the clue stand down a grassy slope in the park, and they dash down the narrow stairs. But watch out, here come the Tubby Sibs and ouch! Fatty Sibs almost crash into one of the Twins, and it's a good thing they manage to avoid a collision in time. The slippery looking stairs and the steep slope and Fatty crashing on the Twin could lead to a really painful episode.
The clue asks for a detour. You can do either "Extreme Swiss" or "Very Swiss". "Extreme Swiss" means you have to walk down this hanging brige, Philo Koughie explains, the wild winds hitching his pants so nicely up that you can see he's a moderately-endowed guy who dresses towards the right - ooh, Philo, that's a nice pillow you got in your pants! - to do a 620 feet bungee jump down. "Very Swiss" means you have to drive eight miles down to the foot of the Alps and look for a farm with 75 scary evil goats. Each goat wears a bell around its neck, and some of those bells carry a key. The key must be used to unlock a box at the side of the cottage to get the next clue.
One look at the high peak and Tool and Tubby Sibs all flee for the cottage and evil goats. Only the Twins decide to do the bungee. Plunging Twins, anyone? What, did I say something risque again? As the Sibs run off, they tell the Twins, "Enjoy it! Don't die!" Oh baby, the Sibs are so mean, they're so so hot.
The Twins walk like sissies, giggling nervously like sissies along the bridge, and I wonder how such a nice double package of polished manly hotness can come with such endearing girlishness. Maybe God is all for bisexual lifestyles. Anyway, the Twins hope that by doing this, they will end up in the lead.
Fatty Sib, driving to the farm, announces that he's a big fat wuss. Skinny Sib says that he doesn't want to die - he has children. Fatty Sib says that he also doesn't want his brother to die. Cute!
Derek says that he will go first to show a good example for Drew. He will show no fear and "inspire" his brother. He will...aaaaah! Aaah! Ahhhhahhhahhahhahhah! OoHHhooOHHHOHhhHHHOooOOOHHH!
The Tokens are meanwhile finally running down the slope for the clue. "Hurry! Up! COME! COME!" Fiend yells at the dumb and deaf dog he has married and sired two children on. "Open the clue!"
Terror wants to do the goat. Heaven knows, she should be used to that by now.
They drive away. He says that they are a team (huh?) and they being hard on each other is good because it drives them both on. This must be what they said when they introduced corporal punishment in society.
Drew the Blue says that his big brother has done it, so he's sure that everything's fine. ("Derek drank the bottle of arsenic, so I'll do it too, because it's alright. Derek sticks a vacuum cleaner up his ass, so it must be good and I am waiting for my turn on the thing.")
The Sibs confront their fear of goats by saying "I love goats." No chance, Fatty. "Hi babies," Flooooo! goes, and predictably, the goats all flee in terror in different directions. "Just try and touch one!" Flooooo! tells the Mumbler. I hope the goats kick back. The chase is on.
Drew the Blue is really scared of jumping. Oh come on, you wuss. After Flooooo!, this will be easy-peasy. Derek stands there beside him, trying to act all Deepak Chopra and zen-like, but he's failing miserably. Stick with your sex bomb daytime job, Reddie. Calling Drew to "own it, own it, go swan" (what the heck is he talking about?) is not helping at all.
Finally Drew jumps.
Okay. I'm fine now."
I think I'm in love with Drew the Blue.
The Sibs finally get a key. The Mumbler too not too long after. They unlock the boxes and they find a T Mobile Cell Phone (this show is brought to you by T Mobile, blah blah blah whatever) and a clue. The clue asks them to drive 50 miles to Chateau de Chillon by Lake Geneva, but they can also use the phone to make one call back home. They must talk before they get into the car, so if you talk longer, you go to the Cheateau later.
Skinny Sib calls home first and awww, he talks to his wife and his parents. This is so sweet. Much better than those Survivor ones anyway, because the creatures on Survivor are all loathsome freaks while the guys here are mostly cool people. Fatty G talks to his parents too. Aw, what, doesn't he have a boyfriend? How can you guys let such a cute, funny gay man to get away like that? Or maybe the show doesn't want to show this cutie's guy for fear of offending the more close-minded viewers of the race. What a waste.
The Mumbler calls up his sister. Floooooo! just has to tell him to hurry up. Shut up Floooooo!
He asks his sister to pay off his credit card bills. Aw, that's so like a brother. Flo's best friend is sitting beside the Mumbler's sister, so she gets her turn to talk to her best friend too. I wonder if TAR gets the family members to reenact the scenes after the Race, because I doubt these people actually sit there all nice and comfy all day by the phone waiting for the Racers to call. What's the time zone difference between Switzerland and USA anyway?
Eh? Did I just see Skinny Sib pee against... eeuw!
The Sibs dash for their car. "Flo! Take all day! Take your time," they call out to Flooooo! who is torn between talking and jumping into her car. Hah!
Back at the bungee, Derek calls home where his mother and his wife Rebecca, the latter channeling Alicia Silverstone gone Leslie Ann Warren and speaking in an annoying girly voice too (trivia: she's a model like her husband). He tells us that they have just been married recently when he and Drew left for the Race, and it's tough to be away and all. Drew talks to his mother and the Mother warns him away from loud harpy fishwives like Flooooo!, only she doesn't really say that but she should if you ask me. When Drew hangs up, Mommy and Leslie Ann Silverstone go "Awww!" and hug. Now I know they enact these family scenes after the Race.
All three teams are now driving away. Skinny Sib takes out his family photo. Awww. Flooooo! and the Mumbler are actually talking like normal happy friends, saying how happy they are. Awww. I'm happy too. Everyone's so happy now. Awwwww!
Then comes the Tokens. No, damn it, rewind, rewind! Why must I see them now when I'm feeling so warm and happy? They are having a hard time chasing the goats, despite Fiend's assertions that his wife looks like one of them (his own words, not mine) so she should be relating to them better. What an ass. The goats probably flee because these two must be the unpleasant relatives that have dropped by uninvited. Finally, one of them sacrifices its virtue to be manhandled by Terror - anything to stop those two from terrorizing innocent goatkind, surely - and they call home to Terror's sister and their two rather petrified-looking dull-eyed kids.
"My babies," Terror cooes, proving to the world that Cruela de Vils of the world can also be mothers at the same time. Fiend says that he is proud of those kids and they are, he's sure, proud of the Tokens too. After the kids' watching this show and after their friends' heckling them about their nasty parents, I'm sure they are, oh yeah.
At Lake Geneva, John Vito and Rambette Girl - remember them? - are feet-paddling a boat towards the steamer. "I'm tired," she says as they climb onboard the steamer. "Me too," John Vito says, aww, how cute. John Vito tells Philo at the mat, "Last to first, let me hear it, Phil." Amen. They're first, woo-hoo! Philo also throws in a gift: a seven-night Caribbean vacation. It can't happen to a nicer couple, and it's better than those crappy cameras anyway. Great one, John Vito!
As we speak, the Sibs have reached the Chateau. Hmm, John Vito's Fast Forward only gives them an hour head start at most. Anyway, the Sibs encounter a road block. One of them - preferably the nuts and bolts type - must assemble a Swiss army bike from the parts they are given. A stern-looking pipsqueak will check their bike to see if it's safe. They will have to keep working until the assembled bike is really safe for use. One of the team members will then use this bike (the other member gets a bike already assembled by professionals, the lucky bastard) and they will cycle down to the Bassett Marina three miles down, get one of those feet-paddling boats, and head on over to the Pit Stop.
"Damn, this guy is tough!" Skinny Sib says as his bike keeps getting the thumbs down by Mr This Is Not Safe. The Twins come in soon after the Sibs are working on their bike, and despite being the more mechanically inclined one, Derek the Red has Drew the Blue do the roadblock. Drew the Blue gets down to business and soon he too hears "This is not safe!" to the point of overkill.
Meanwhile, the Tools and the Tokens are lost. The Tokens always seem to be lost, don't they? How on earth did they last this long in the Race?
Finally, the Sibs get their bike rolling, and they're off.
Drew the Blue is still struggling when the Tools come in, and yes, the Mumbler has to do this while Floooooo! just stands there and watches and comments. Derek the Red calls at Drew to "try everything", but I don't think he means a crowbar shoved down his throat. Now I see why the Brat Pack Alliance get along so well. Derek is a Mini-Me version of Flooooo!, albeit at a more tolerable scale.
Terror snaps at Fiend, "We're last!" as they struggle to find the detour spot. "Okay, fine!" Fiend snaps back. Don't these two ever run out of saliva?
The Twins finally get their bike up and rolling. They asks a friendly passer-by for directions (everybody's friendly to the Twins, I wonder why), and they're now hot on the Sibs' heel.
Last week, Skinny Sib almost became roadkill at the hands of a bus driver. Today, it's at the hands of a car driver. Somebody doesn't know how to watch both sides of the road.
The Tokens struggle into the Roadblock area, and Fiend makes a grand martyr gesture of having to do the bike-assembling task. He's probably annoyed he missed out on a chance to berate his wife, that creepface. When they are it, Flooooo! who all this while is uncharacteristically mellow loses it and begins yelling at the Mumbler, the volume rising to an earthshattering pitch when the Tokens zoom off, leaving them still struggling at the task.
"Hey Phil!" Fatty Sib yells as they heavily stagger onto the steamer. "Hey Phil, where are you? C'mon, Phil, give us your shtick!" Did I mention how funny these two are? Philo tries to keep a straight face for two seconds. "Ken and Gerard..." His face cracks, and he smiles. "You're team number two!" Tubby Sibs give a funny yell and hug like the most endearing adorable Racers ever since they gave us the Frat Bastards.
The Twins reach the Pit Stop next. Third!
The Mumbler is still struggling at this point while the Tokens are already racing towards the marina. Fiend, ever the charming, is shouting at people, "Coming by, beep, beep, beep!" If that isn't an open invitation for a deliberate hit-and-run "accident", I don't know what is. Switzerland, I feel so sorry for you.
Finally, the Mumbler is done. Floooooo! is dashing off, but she loses it again when the Mumbler pauses to unzip the lower ends of his trousers (they are those shorts-trousers interchangeable thingies) so that he can pedal faster. At this point, that crazy nutjob woman just gives up. "Come on," the Mumbler calls, sounding alive for the first time the entire race, "we can still beat them."
"We've lost! We've lost the whole race because you have to undo your shorts!" Flooooooo! snaps at him. Oh make her stop, somebody, please.
In the meantime, Fiend has given his wife Terror the bike he assembled earlier. I don't laugh when she skids and falls. I'm not cruel, even if I think Terror is the most irritating cow ever. That's my evil twin laughing. "Are you okay?" Fiend calls impatiently.
"Help her, you idiot!" we Giggles yell at the TV screen.
The Tools cycle past them.
"The bike is broken," Terror points out somewhat gleefully. When the wife takes even this unpleasant turn of events to rub it in on the husband, this can't be one pleasant marriage, can it be? Fiend however does a quick and efficient job in fixing the bike, and they're off again.
Fiend this time has a better time at navigation than the Tools. "That's it!" he calls to his wife as he catches sight of the steamer.
The Tools? "You're so stupid!" Floooooo! shrieks at poor, poor Mumbler. They can't find the steamer. She begins to weep as he tries to reassure her that they can still make it, they can do it. Her answer? "We're losing anyway, so we may as well walk!" as she tosses her helmet aside. Precious minutes are ticking by as our mental nutcase here throws her unreasonable temper tantrum. Seriously, compared to the Rambette Girl, Flooooooo! is an utter embarrassment to watch. She is begging for a bitchslap and the Mumbler is a better man than I give him credit for for being so strong and not losing his temper.
"I suggest you put all those desire into pedalling." Heh. I am starting to like this guy. He and Drew the Blue should run away together from the henhouses of their team partners - they're a match made in heaven.
Floooooo! wails that she is humiliated that she is defeated by two retirees. Listen, you woman, you - oh forget it. I don't have the bile to go on. I just want this sorry episode to end.
"We're coming!" Fiend yells as he and his dog-faced wife climbs onboard the steamer. So are we, Fiend, with our gag and restraining orders. They are fourth.
Now Floooooo! is wailing that she doesn't want to go home as they pedal towards the steamer. Shut up, shut up, shut up, SHUT THE HELL UP! But alas, this is not an elimination round, and Floooooo! shrieks as she learns the news.
But at least she admits that she is wrong in giving up and she gives the credit where it deserves to the Mumbler. That pacifies me somewhat. At least she knows she is a pain to be with. Now let's see if she can translate that self-awareness into some affirmative action and less painful TV.
The second hour, and TAR comes to Malaysia and Singapore. A big thank you to Jerry Bonghammer for showing the dullest aspects of Malaysia and Singapore when they showed beautiful Europe at its finest. I'll think of you the next time I have a difficult bout at the toilet.
A brief As The Pit Stop Turns soap moment as a respite while we rush to the doctor to get our eardrums sewed back together from Floooooo!'s operatic solo in the last hour. We see last hour's first place team, John Vito unpack and John Vito has his shirt off. My eardrums miraculously heal themselves. This is a miracle! John Vito should move next door to me and walk around shirtless all the time. I'll never feel old again.
The Drew the Blue and Flooooo! flirtation saga continues with the sounds of hen pecking loudly resonating in the background.
Back to the race. John Vito is off at 12:42 am, where they are to travel 50 miles to Jet d'Eau in Geneva. Jet d'Eau is a 450-foot fountain and it is the fountain to see if you want to see the mighty orgasms God never gave Man. Rambette Girl is still optimistic as always. "This race is unbelievable. It's just stressful trying to stay in front and trying to always guess right and make the right decisions." Not reassuring words from someone whose job is a business consultant, but she's alright, that Rambette Girl. You go and you fly, young lady. They ask a helpful bunch of cab drivers for directions, get into a cab, and they're off.
The Sibs leave at 2:00 am, and get a cab.
At 2:14 am, our evil studs Zoolander Twins are off too. "The race has revitalized our bond," Derek the Red says. "Do you speak English?" Drew the Blue says. He's talking to a cab driver, not to Derek as I initially thought and gave a hoot of laughter to. Still, these guys are shaping up very nicely as hot studs with ruthless hearts and abilities I never expected them to have when this season starts.
Nobody has any problems getting to the Eau d'Virile or whatever that fountain is called.
"The fountain looks like Gerard's..." I can't finish what the Sibs said. You use your imagination.
The clue is a Malaysian flag and it asks them to go to the tallest building in that place - the Petronas Twin Towers. (A very boring place, if you ask me, but it's the place to go to if you want to steal a million ringgit with minimum fuss - just ask those robbers that walked in last month and stole a million ringgit in the space of one minute with nobody even noticing them!) My niece Wendy works in an office at that place. If she gets a cameo on that show, I'll hate her for the rest of my life.
The show calls the Twin Towers the tallest building in Asia. There is some debate whether this is the tallest building in the world or not, but I don't want to debate that here. Frankly, I don't care about the Twin Towers. Give me Sungai Wang Plaza anytime anyday, isn't that right, fellow KLers? Even Bangsar is a more fun hang-out.
It's a 7,000 mile flight. Have fun, people!
John Vito has troubles finding people who can identify the flag. The Sibs however, finds a nice man who informs them that they are at the wrong continent.
The Twins say that today is their birthday. August 30th is their birthday, so they will arrive in Kuala Lumpur just in time for the Malaysian National Day. Anyway, happy birthday, Zoolander Twins. You want me to jump out of your cake to make you two happy? No? Your loss.
The Twins find some passers-by who tell them where to go too. I'm quite surprised at how many Swiss people know Malaysia's flag. Surreal, really.
The Tokens depart at 2:34 am (as you can see, this is a pretty tight race, everyone leaving within ten to twenty minutes of each other apart from John Vito, whose Fast Forward lead is actually only by around two hours). The Tools follow at 2:40 am. Flooooo! tells the Mumbler that Jet d'Eau means "a jet of water". The Mumbler must be wishing that the jet of water will squirt into Flooooo!, shutting her up for a long blissful moment. They argue whether they should take a cab, but they end up taking one anyway. Gah.
The Tokens and the Tools both hope the other can't find the fountain. But the Tokens reach there first. Not that it matters, because the airport will see them all bunch together again. The Tools surprise me, however, by not only knowing where the Petronas Twin Towers is but also which city it is found in - Kuala Lumpur. Now I have something to think about the next time I'm stuck in a bus packed to the hilt with smelly, dirty people in a KL traffic jam from hell. (Yes, it could be worse, it could be a traffic jam in Bangkok, thanks for telling me that.)
John Vito wander around until a hotel guy - the concierge? - finally tells that the flag is Malaysia's. Talk about lousy luck. Where are the friendly passers-by for John Vito?
Everyone's at the Geneva airport now, but the airport ticket counters are closed. Yet, at the right place and the right time, a ticket counter opens just as the Tokens are passing by. They snap up a 7:50 am flight to Kuala Lumpur via Vienna.
The Tools learn, just like the other Teams soon will, that there aren't many seats for Kuala Lumpur. The Sibs get a flight, however, and the Twins, standing nearby, do an MIA and ask for the same tickets in the Sibs' flight for both them and the Tools. Floooo! puts her arm around Drew the Blue's waist as a token of her appreciation. I bit down my "Eeeeee!"
Drew the Blue says that he is really attracted to Floooooo! and he never expects to be attracted to a woman in this race. "I still think he's gay," hubby mutters under his breath. He's just jealous that Drew the Blue has better abs and looks better in blue Y-fronts than hubby ever will. Oops, gotta duck hubby's evil stare now.
The Sibs, John Vito, and the Brat Pack Alliance get a 9:00 pm flight. Somehow they must have missed seeing Tokens, because they believe that the Tokens are behind them. Heh, they're in for a shock. At this moment, the Tokens are landing in at the Sepang airport, around an hour's journey from Kuala Lumpur. Back to the Brat Packs, Floooo! sits beside Drew and they coo and cuddle like sickening toads in lust while the Mumbler is seated alone at one end of the threesome. He says that he feels strange about this. Tell me about it.
As we speak, the Tokens are taking the LRT train to the Twin Towers. They find the clue easily, and learn that they have to ask a local to take a picture of them using the Kodak Easyshare Camera (this show is brought to you by blah blah blah, cheesy smiles made easy, et cetera) and then head off to a Kodak Quick-Foto booth to get the picture developed - or whatever the correct word is - at the nearby Ampang Shopping Center. Er, Terror, it's pronounced "Ahm-Pang", not "Em-peng", but it doesn't matter. I pronounce Teri as "Terror", so what do I know?
So Fiend begin harassing people to take photos of them. "Hurry up! We're in a hurry!" I can safely say they are lucky they don't get punched in the face. Nothing like loud, obnoxious WASP folks harassing locals to start a drama. Then having their photo taken, they begin harassing some people eating at the nearby McDonald's for the direction to the Ampang Shopping Center.
"Tell me that's not Siok Lan in there, eating with her husband and kids," I screech as I see some rather familiar faces on TV gaping at the camera like startled goldfish. (My sister to be exact. She doesn't even watch TAR, so it better not be her or life isn't fair at all!)
Hubby tries to look closer, but the show has moved on the next scene.
At this time, the Brat Packs, John Vito, and Sibs have arrived at the Twin Towers, and they are dashing for the clue.
"Come! Come!" Fiend is yelling at the wife. Terror cries, "I don't need this from you!" And we don't need to see you two. Get lost!
Camera pans on the potholes and sorry states of the roads in the Ampang area. Yes, the roads are that bad in that part of the town, but I wince a little as TAR fans around the world get to see the corrupt municipal councils' neglect in all its full glory. Sheesh. The Tokens, however, are making a big mistake. They are dashing towards the Ampang Train Station, not the Shopping Center, and the idiots just dash down the stairs, never even pausing to wonder why a shopping center would be built under the ground level. How unlucky that the Shopping Center is actually just nearby - very nearby. Damn.
But since the Tokens have a headstart on the other teams, they still manage to backtrack and be the first to get their photos done. They struggle a bit to follow the instructions on the automated machine, but they manage to do it. Terror says that she's the brain and he's the brawn and there is no other way they fit. She makes it sound as if she's talking about something rather scary or even sexual, so I'm not touching that with statement of hers with a bargepole, except to comment that they fit better with her head up his ass and vice versa.
The clue given by the bemused-looking Indian shop owner tells them to take a train to Singapore. Choo! Choo!
The Central Train Station is where they must go. It's also actually walking distance from where they are, but I'm local, and they aren't. The cabbies are the only way to go. The Tokens are off.
What time is it? There are three train rides to Singapore, one at 11:15 am, one at 3:30 pm, and one at 10:00 pm. Needless to say, if a team misses one train the other teams are on, hah!
In Singapore, the teams must find Margaret Thatcher in the National Orchid Garden. No, Margaret Thatcher hasn't retired to take up botany in Singapore, we're talking about an orchid here. The orchid, one of the toughest parasite plants around, is Singapore's national flower. Which says something about Singaporeans in a way, if you ask me. I'm just joking, Mr Lee Kuan Yew. I really am. Don't revoke my Permanent Residentship please.
By this time, the other teams are finally at the photo shop. They ask the shop keeper whether any team has been here, and are shocked when told that two ugly abrasive bulldogs have been here first. Derek reads the clue out loud, upon which Drew calls him an idiot because they let the Sibs overhear them and know where to go next. Hmm, Drew can dish back as good as Derek gives, methinks.
In the meantime, the Tokens find themselves at the old train station that is no longer used for Singapore-Malaysia train rides since around two years ago, so either the cab driver is an idiot or the Tokens must have mentioned "train station" instead of the "new train station". The old station is around twenty minutes drive from the Central Station, give and take traffic (since this is a National Day and hence a holiday, traffic should be a breeze). I love seeing the Tokens lose precious time. I love dumb Malaysian cab drivers! (Not that they are all dumb. Many are just rude and annoying.)
When the Tokens finally reach the correct station, the other Teams are only starting to dash for their cabs. Flooooo! doesn't understand how Tokens could have beaten them. Any volunteers to explain to Ms Flooooo! here?
However, every team manages to get the 11:15 am train. Poor Tokens, they are not happy at all, especially when Flooooo! merrily tells the Tokens that "every team is here", a payback for Fiend's egging her in Switzerland about the bungee jumping. Rambette Girl says that the Tokens are so pissed, huddling in the corner like two homeless ruffians, that "it's funny". The Mumbler is pleased too. I love it when everybody is so happy that the miserable Tokens are not.
The train arrives at 11:16 am - very good for Malaysian time, if you ask me. Bonghammer must have paid the train people - the Malaysian Railways or KTM - some special incentives to be on time, because I will say we're lucky if the train is only ten minutes behind time. It is also heartwarming to see the Racers eat the same crappy food - do they pay cutthroat prices for them too like everybody else or do they get them free? - and I wonder if they also enjoy the lovely fragrance of stale urine that always permeate these lovely air-conditioned trains. Do they get to watch some crappy C-grade movie on the shaky TV as well? Why didn't I take that bloody train myself so that I can meet up with them? Aaargh!
But now I can say that these teams and me have bonded nicely over the train ride experiences of ours. KTM - suckfest train rides at its finest!
Flooooo! and Drew the Blue play cards on the train. They are well aware that they have to be loyal to their respective teams, although they wish they have met under different circumstances. Like what? Vegas? Never mind.
They reach the Keppel Train Station in Singapore at night. It's not shown on TV, but train rides to Singapore is roughly six hours, give and take an hour at the checkpoint in Woodlands and too many unnecessary long stops along the way, so I'll guess it's around 8:00 pm when they reach Singapore. The Singapore National Orchid Garden closes at 7:00 pm, so they have the rest of the night free. They decide to get some place to rest.
The Mumbler, in an act suspiciously like one deliberately to get Flooooo!'s hackles up, suggests the YMCA. Again. He must have some really fond memories of the YMCA shower halls. Flooooo! predictably raises a stink and sits next to Drew the Blue at the seat and whines why the Mumbler always has to make decisions for them both (because you don't a thing to contribute, perhaps?). Derek finally reserves a room at the Orchard Tower, just a walking distance where I work - sigh, how could I miss these people, how how how? - and they all head there. Actually they're smart. Orchard Tower is pretty close to where they will be heading tomorrow.
John Vito sleep in some cheap, no air-conditioned, no-TV motel room in what looks like the seedy Geylang area. Watch out for the police raids, dudes.
Derek wonders if he has to share the bed with the Mumbler tonight. Derek, please, don't say such things, my heart can't take such horrifying images. But no, as it turns out, Flooooo! bunks in with the Mumbler while the Twins bunk together at the bed beside theirs. (Twins in one bed! I can see the Twincest Afficiandos rubbing their hands in glee.) But Flooooo! thoughtfully shows Drew the Blue more thigh than is decent while coyly saying that as long as the Mumbler is around, she won't ask Drew to come over and play. At least she's restrained when it comes to decorums when she's not in her volume.
Where did the Sibs sleep anyway? Hmmm, I don't remember that part. Maybe in the Funny Farm.
When morning comes, the Racers are queued up outside the gates of the National Orchid Garden like starving homeless people waiting for the hospice to open. It opens at 8:30 am, and in the meantime, the Teams easily learn from too many Singaporeans excited to be on the cameras that Margaret Thatcher here is a pretty orchid. (A far cry from the real thing, some may say.) The Rambette Girl reassures her man that they will not go out today. Nobody's talking to each other. Everybody is excited. Then the gates open. We see Terror's ugly head turning slow-motion, just like how the wolves look before they spring for the attack. Ta-ta-ta-dum... d-a-a-a-as-s-sh!
The Tools find the orchid first, and they barely escape being squashed as the other teams crowd in around them. The clue tells them to do a detour. It's either "dry" or "wet". "Dry" requires the team to drive to the big housing estate of Choa Chu Kang, a sprawling area that demonstrates the true nightmare of Singaporean middle class suburbia as all the roads are basically Choa Chu Kang Avenue 1, Lane 1, Street 1, or a variation of thereof. Apartment blocks are staggered too, so you will have to pay closely to signboards. For example, you can reach Apartment 229 from one elevator at one end of the block and Apartment 249 from the elevator at the other end. Elevators at older blocks stop at staggered floors (usually at the third floor, sixth floor, et cetera). Now you know why many Singaporeans dream of emmigrating to Canada or Australia. Teams must find Apartment 229 where the most repulsive, hideous, irritating Singapore TV character ever - Phua &^%*ing Chu Kang of the Holy Mole of Death and the Hair of Ultimate Evil - will hand them their clue. If you think he's bad, non-Singaporeans, just be grateful you don't find yourself subjected to the weekly sitcom on Tuesdays. Now you know why I dream of emmigrating to LA.
"Wet" asks the team to head over to the Mandai Zoo, where they must dive into the manatee pool and get the clue there.
Sibs, Tools, and John Vito (damn!) decide to do dry. How hard to looking for an apartment block be? If only you poor helpless souls know. I still get lost whenever I visit places like Choa Chu Kang.
The Zoolander Twins decide to do wet (ahem). A very excited Chinese lady tells them "The zoo is very far away!" Actually, yes, it is, but so is Choa Chu Kang. Anyway, we see these people struggling to drive the cars around the place (I see there are notes stuck to the steering wheel, maybe to remind them where to pay tolls for the Central Business District or Restricted Areas or maybe to remember that they are driving at a different side of the car now, who knows). Lots of highway scenes and people getting confused. Terror tells Fiend sharply, "I don't know for sure - you want me to say 'for sure'?" while Derek yells at Drew to look at the stupid map.
Skinny Sib mispronounces Phua Chu Kang as Poo Poo Kang. Amen.
On the road to Choa Chu Kang, the Tools and the Sibs have less difficulty finding the correct street, while John Vito have greater problems. Sigh. What else is new with poor John Vito? On the Mandai Zoo trip, the Tokens and the Twins are tail by tail.
Finally, at the zoo, the Twins and the Tokens dash towards the entrance. One of the Twins ask where they can find the "mermaids". I don't know, hmm, tough one. How about, oh, where they keep marine animals? Just a thought, Zoolander Twins.
In the meantime, the Tools and the Sibs find that the elevator takes them to the eleventh floor (they need to get to the tenth floor). They walk one flight of stairs down, to realize that they are at the wrong side of the block. Oops!
The Twins have to undress to change into scuba diving suits. Ah, I can die now. Ooh. Ah. Hmm. Holy Mama. Oh baby. Yummy. Wow. What?!! The Twins wear matching blue briefs? Isn't that kinda see-the-shrink disturbing? I mean, seriously, matching underwear at their age? And how am I to tell them apart when they're stripped down to their undies then? (No, please don't answer.)
Then Terror strips down. "Aaah!" hubby screams, and I feel for his pain. I'm getting queasy myself. We both hug each other for dear life when Fiend begins waxing rhapsody about Terror's disposable undies and bra and I really don't need to know that these two wear disposable undies all around this Race, and I don't need to see Terror's pink bra or her two prominent headlamps sticking out at me. "This is like a perverted Victoria's Secret!" hubby groans, and I understand. I need to dip my eyeballs in antiseptic and rip out my eardrums and wash them with chlorox. How could Bonghammer do this to me? Five seconds of Zoolander Striptease and fifteen too-long seconds of Terror's Secrets? This is pure evil!
Meanwhile, the Tools and the Sibs finally found Poo Poo Kang. People, if you are reading this, we Singaporeans don't speak like that, we don't look like that, we don't act like that, and not all of us care for that guy. You should see the mini-uproar in Singapore when they reveal earlier this week that Poo Poo Kang is going to be tainting my favorite show. We are not like that. Even the actor, Gurmit Singh, doesn't look like that. The hair, the accent, and the mole are all fake. Poo Poo Kang is evil, and he must die.
Rant over. On with the race.
The clue asks them to find the Fountain of Wealth located at the basement level of Suntec City, another really tediously dull place good only for the bargain groceries at the Carrefour supermart if you ask me. Philo goes on to explain that the locals believe that the fountain brings good luck. Correction - it's a feng shui thing and the owners of the place believe it'll bring good luck. Locals like me can't be bothered to care. We just want to buy chocolates at bargain prices at Carrefour, now outta my way.
The Twins easily find the clue, thanks to the power of their matching undies, while the Tokens have some problems with their goggles. Either way, Matching Undies Wondertwins lead once more, and they're on their way to the Fountain of Wealth.
Fountains, peaks, plunges, water everywhere. This episode should be rated R for sexual imageries.
We have the Sibs and the Tools struggling to figure out how to get to the Fountain of Wealth. The Tools have good maps, but they (read: the Mumbler) are having problems deciphering the maps. The Sibs offer to use the maps and lead the way, but the Mumbler is against the plan.
It was then my eardrums finally explode.
"What's wrong with you? Why won't you give them the map?" Floooooo! begins screaming at the Mumbler.
The Mumbler tries to explain that he is afraid that they may lose the Sibs and their maps in the traffic, but Floooooo! isn't taking any of it. She just keeps screaming verbal abuse at the Mumbler, and it is at this point that what little liking I may have of this lady is killed by her truly insane screaming. Even the Sibs ask her why she is screaming at the Mumbler, and she has crossed the line when the Mumbler finally stands up for himself and snaps at her to stop yelling at her. More screaming, more arguments, culminated in Flooooooo!'s insane "Ahh!" and the world's collective shout of "Shut the hell up Floooooo!"
Meanwhile, another friendly Singaporean tells the Twins where to go. My, isn't it strange how the Twins always meet friendly passers-by with just the right information to help them on?
In the meantime, Fiend charges through the crowd gathered at the zoo's exit. "Excuse me! Taxi! I must get through!" What an asshole.
Floooo! is still yelling at the Mumbler back in their driving, the pitch increasing to divine-level cataclysmic levels when they lose the Sibs. The Mumbler at this point has completely tuned her out. Too bad I can't say I can do the same. Oh help me, somebody, please strike that woman dumb.
John Vito finally finds Poo Poo Kang. But they have maps. Please hurry, you two.
The Sibs are laughing. They won't mind "accidentally" losing the Tools after the Mumbler refuses to help them, although driving Fatty Sib denies that he has deliberately shaken the Tools off. Skinny Sib calls Fatty a dirty player. Fatty Sib laughs and denies it most unconvincingly. I hope they don't get eliminated. I'll miss them sorely if they go.
The Zoolander Twins finally find the fountain. Drew the Blue removes his socks and shoes and runs right through the wet fountain where the clue is found in the center. Wet twin. Wet. This episode is so X-rated.
The clue tells them to drive to the Pit Stop of this leg, Mount Faber, the only place people in Singapore go to for outdoor sex (not that I really know that place, because come on, I'm not that desperate!). Go, go, go, Matching Undies Wondertwins!
The Sibs and the Tools, despite everything, reach the Fountain at almost the same time, and Skinny Sib does a mighty virile cartwheel as he runs back to his car, inspired by the mighty fountain no doubt. Both the Teams hire a cab to show the way to Mount Faber.
The Tokens are still wondering how to get to the Fountain of Wealth. John Vito is even further behind. Come on, John Vito, don't let the odious Tokens win! You are John Vito and Rambette Girl. We need people like you to balance the Floooooo!'s and the Tokens of this Race. (And we Giggles need the eye candy too.)
Finally, Token gets a biker guy to lead the way. Damn. They dash to the fountain even as Terror scolds him, "Don't yell at me!" and he says "Sorry I'm so short with you." The apology will have meaning if he isn't at it again five seconds later.
Damn, John Vito stumbles in just as the Tokens are leaving the fountain. Hurry, guys. Mount Faber isn't too far away - around ten minutes drive by the expressway. It's still an open game.
At the Pit Stop, Ms Jaime Teoh, a former Miss Singapore, is standing with Philo, awaiting the first of the Teams. Wet, hot, wild, the Matching Undies Wondertwins step onto the finishing mat. First! These guys are smoking, people. To add to the victory, they win a seven-night cruise vacation to Europe. "That's sweet," Drew the Blue says in a so-what voice. "Fantastic!" chimes in Derek the Red a little more enthusiastically. I believe we can assume it is Derek and Rebecca who will be enjoying the cruise once the race is over?
The Tools and the Sibs all but collide their cars into each other as they fight for parking spots in Mount Faber. It's still daytime, so the place is not filled with cars with couples making out inside.
This reminded me of a time when I was eighteen and me and a couple of friends decided to celebrate the Midsummer Night Festival at Mount Faber. We took our paper lanterns and mooncakes, intending to have an innocent picnic under the night sky. I swear, I have never seen so many enraged and even half-naked couples scrambling away from the light of our cute lil' paper lanterns. Not only is my virgin eyes sullied for life, we lost our appetite and decided to eat mooncakes at one of us' house instead.
Anyway, enough about me. Flooooo! is boasting that she can beat the Sibs when it comes to a footrace. Yeah? She's straggling behind, trying to catch up when the Sibs step onto the finishing mat - second! The Tools are third. She says that she and the Mumbler are a good team, they just need fine tuning. I won't disagree - they have to be good to make it this far, but I'd say we need wires to keep your lips together, Floooooo!, rather than just some fine tuning.
John Vito, shirtless, asks someone to show them the way to Mt Faber. Needless to say, they get help. See, John Vito? That's the way to meet friendly passers-by with the information you need. Just flash those power pecs and everybody will start blabbing all you need to know. I'll even carry him on my shoulders all the way there if it means I will feel those power thighs around my... er... what? Children visit my site too? Okay. Let's move on.
Team Tokens are at Mt Faber now, and John Vito just behind by mere minutes. Oh no, please, no - no - no! "We're coming, Phil!" shouts the Fiend from Hell, Scumsucker Who Causes John Vito To Be Eliminated, Get Lost Fiend, Lose Fiend Lose and Take Your Terror Wife With You I HATE YOU TWO I WANT JOHN VITO BACK WAAAAAAA - ahem.
No, John Vito, how can you get eliminated when whiners and lamers like the Tools and the Tokens get to stay on? This is not fair, people, not fair at all! I want a rewind. I want the Tokens' car to get a flat tire. I just want John Vito to stay on. This hurts, man, and it sucks too. Damn, damn, damn!
"Our future now for us is what our future was before this race even began. We plan having children together and grandchildren and getting married, and we're excited and we can't wait to do it."
Well said, Rambette Girl. Good luck to the both of you. You both ran one classy race, and it is just unlucky that you two are, well, so unlucky all the way. Enjoy the cruise and good luck to your future.
"We're going to get married before we have children and grandchildren," John Vito cuts in with a smile.
This really sucks, man. Sucks.
Anyway, one down, four more teams to go. The Race is heating up, and I can't wait to see how it all pans out for the remainder of the Teams. Matching Undies Wondertwins and Tubby Sibs all the way!
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