All-Stars Survivor: Episode 7
Previously, Sue walks while Hagrid, Big Red Tom, the Robfather, and Crazy Kathy are worms. Let's not dwell too much on that unpleasant episode and let these famehos, especially Hatch, think that they matter more in our lives that the actual insignificant speck of significance they hold in our lives. If they mean more than that to you and they are not your family members, please, get psychiatric help immediately.
Day nineteen, dawn, Ego Ego. A toucan and his bird buddies groom themselves as Jerri sits up on the shelter floor and moans to Lex Loser that her back is killing her. Crazy Kathy and the Shii Devil are discussing the beautiful sunrise when they hear this, pause, and exchange a nasty look. Jerri tells Lex that the bugs are, er, bugging her silly. The Shii Devil whispers to Kathy that Jerri just complains all day long. Wow, if ten seconds into the new day is now "all day long", I'd hate to see what Shii Devil considers "all week long". "I know every single thought in her brain because it's coming out of her mouth," the Shii Devil tells Crazy Kathy. Gee, I didn't know pots and kettles can carry a conversation, albeit a catty, mean-spirited one.
In her confessional, the Shii Devil repeats Jerri's complains and then complains herself that Jerri is always complaining, unaware that she is coming off like a total idiot. I mean, Jerri is complaining to Lex, not to the Shii Devil, not to Kathy, so if anybody should be complaining about Jerri's whining, it should be Lex, not this stupid twig. She and her buddy Kathy can take a hike somewhere else where they can't listen to Jerri. Maybe they can take a nice long walk off the cliff, perhaps?
Crazy Kathy has her confessional now. She calls Jerri a "bad seed" and "annoying seed", which is an overkill if she is making any sense in the first place, and says that Colby doesn't like Jerri. So what does that have to do with anything? Kathy is mad at Colby last week - does that make her a bigger jerk than Jerri? Kathy says that Jerri lacks a "huge work ethic". I don't know, Kathy. Jerri is not the person depicted on this show to be gossiping and telling malicious stories.
Cue Colby to tell the camera that Jerri hasn't changed "one iota". Oh, really? So Jerri is this pleasant and nice in the Australian outbacks? He goes on for a while about what a nasty shrew Jerri is, which only leads me to think that Colby is seriously letting his issues with Jerri clouding his judgments. The part where he says that Jerri needs to change her attitude makes him look like a total fool. Anyone watching this show can see that the problem here is not with Jerri, it's with people with rigid preconceptions like Colby refusing to give Jerri a chance. Jerri has changed, in fact, this season she seems to go out of her way to avoid confrontations (see her smooth way of ruffling feathers when she clashed with Hagrid over the ill-fated Hovel In The Hole). "I really just let it roll off my back," he says, the "it" probably referring to the million wrongs he imagines Jerri commits when he's not looking, "and maybe it's because I know that Jerri's not going to win this game." Now those are indeed some famous last words, Colby, right up there with Jonny Fairplay's early proclamation that he would bet that Big Sandra would never make the Final Two in Pearl Islands.
Now the Gruesome Twosome of Shii Devil and Crazy Kathy are in the water. Kathy, as she washes her hair, gives a truly repulsive cackle as she "swears" that Jerri is a "bitch". Oh, there's the bitch Jerri alright, walking alone on the beach looking lost and forlorn, while the saintly twosome in the water bitch about her. Kathy tells the Shii Devil as they both giggle, "I love slam-dunking people!" I guess calling someone a "bitch" is considered slam-dunking in this grotesque gargoyle-faced hag's uncivilized part of the world.
Just what is wrong with this tribe? Ego Ego makes Thailand's Soochee and Africa's Dumburu look like a gathering of saintly rosanjin scholars in comparison.
Jerri is not oblivious to her tribe members' resentment of her. She tells the camera that she knows that she has no allies in this tribe. Still, to make herself feel good more than anything else, she says that she takes comfort in being perceived as a non-entity as getting underestimated on this show has less dire consequences than being perceived as a threat. She loses me a bit though when she describes herself as "the non-threatening, Zen-like, easygoing Jerri who's here to have fun". Jerri, you're not exactly a spring sunshine bloom of cheers, if I may say so myself. She shrugs and asks her detractors to "bring it on" because the "game" is "on".
Over at Cheapora, a wave hits the beach while Ambore and her beau the Robfather collect their tree-mail. The missive is a small puzzle game that when pieced together correctly reveals the awful poetry Burnetto hired some gibbons to assemble from random alphabet blocks. The tribe guesses that today's Reward Challenge will involve some puzzle solving which they believe to be an individual Challenge. Does this mean that the merge is happening today? Hagrid says that Ethanol is supposedly the best diver in Ego Ego, which is a roundabout way of him saying that Ego Ego is in trouble should there be diving in the Challenge as Ethanol just sucks in water challenges. Don't ask me how he knows all that. It won't be the first time Hagrid just talks out of his ass for the sake of him wanting to hear his own voice, and I'm sure that it won't be the last. JennaLoo says that Ethanol "freaks out" on challenges. No wonder they break up. Good luck in finding a guy with more stamina, JennaLoo!
Hagrid tells the camera that he delights in "pounding" into the Cheapos the need to keep pushing even when they are behind. I'm glad that he is applying the same principles that had him leading Sobroken so successfully into so many consecutive victories... oh wait, that was Cheapora having so many consecutive victories. Hagrid led Sobroken into the ground, to the backline of the raft race, straight into dissolution - he "pounded" Sobroken right into the ground, literally, figuratively. So tell me, just how delusional and egomaniacal must this guy be to even think that he has the right to "pound" anything to a tribe that has done very well without his presence or pathetic words of non-wisdom?
Jeff "Smile, Monkey Man, Smile" Proboscis awaits them at the beach as the two tribes walk in. Without much ado, he explains the rules of today's Challenge. Each tribe will be on its own platform in the sea. Each tribe member must dive into the water and release a puzzle piece tied to the bottom of the sea. Once all six pieces are retrieved, the tribe will assemble the puzzle pieces to form what looks like a flat piece of fish-shaped raft. The tribe will bolt and secure the pieces, paddle it to the beach, and send one member to run inland to release the tribe flag with a machete and untie more paddles. This person brings the tribe flag and the paddles back to the others, where all of them will then paddle back to the platform.
The first tribe to complete this Challenge wins a day off the island where they will enjoy a barbecue. There will be burgers, fries, and plenty of desserts for everybody The tribe goes "Ooh!" Probby asks them what will be perfect to go along with the barbecue. The Survivors of course answers, "Beer!" And Probby does one better: the winners will get an open bar. "Ooh!" the alcoholic Survivors squeal in joy. Does it ever occur to Burnetto that these idiots get drunk more often during the season than most people do in a whole year?
Since nowadays every reality show must have at least one twist per episode, Probby explains today's twist: this Challenge is simultaneously the Reward as well as Immunity Challenge. The losing tribe will head to the Tribal Council this very night. I guess this explains how this show will end in the scheduled thirty-nine days like always despite having eight Survivors more than usual. They will just speed up the frequency of Tribal Councils on this game. There is another twist: the winning tribe will get to select a member from the losing tribe to go along with them. It can be a defensive move, Probby says, or an offensive move where the winning tribe can then pump this tribemember for information. Not that kind of pumping, Ethanol - keep your fingers off your shorts please.
Speaking of ghastly behaviors, the Cheapos are wearing some ugly tribal necklace in what seems like a "friends and jerks forever" bonding gesture. I wonder whether ritual circumcision is part of whatever ghastly ritual they did to bond with each other.
Everyone is on the correct platform and waiting when Probby gives the signal. Go! Jerri and the Robfather are the first to hit the water. Jerri lags, which lead to the other Egos to shake their heads and acting as if Jerri is the lowest creature to hit the shores since the sea slug. There will be some satisfying glee in watching poetic justice in action when the Shii Devil fumbles and is just as slow as Jerri, if not slower than, if I can delude myself into thinking that the likes of the Shii Devil will ever be that self-aware. JennaLoo, poor gal, slows her tribe down but thankfully, the others can make up for her slowness.
The Cheapos get their puzzle pieces first but for the second time in a row in the history of this season, they fumble at putting puzzle pieces together, allowing the Egos to catch up. Ethanol is truly a genius - he tries to hit a piece hard with his paddle into fitting with another piece and the paddle cracks into two most beautifully. That guy is really useless at water challenges. With only three paddles instead of four, the Egos take off first. Guess who takes the opportunity to "sit out" on the raft and imagine that she's rowing an imaginary paddle on the Ego raft. You will be shocked if I say that it's the Shii Devil. Maybe her role is to be the figurehead of the raft or something. The Cheapos trail behind and they are still on the sea when the Ego raft hits the land.
Ethanol dashes off to get the flag and paddles. I don't understand why Colby or Lex can't do the running. Ethanol is a complete flop as an alpha male hero. Anyway, soon the Cheapos hit land and the Robfather takes off after the Ethanol. See, now that makes sense: the Robfather has proven himself to be very adept at delivering in physical challenges. Indeed, while Ethanol has time advantage in getting the flag and paddles, he encounters difficulties untying the paddles, letting the Robfather overtake him and run back to his raft first with all the things he is supposed to bring them.
Cheapora is off when Ethanol dashes back to his raft. Ethanol fumbled, allowing Cheapora to lead, but by the time both rafts are in the water, it's a neck-to-neck race to the finish. It is a thrilling challenge to watch, but ultimately the Egos having only three paddles to the Cheapos' four sink them in. The Ego raft goes out of control late into the race, thanks to three people (Ethanol, Lex, Jerri) paddling on the right side while only the Shii Devil is paddling on the left side (and using the broken paddle all wrong while she's at it - the useless twig). The Egos struggle to control their raft as it spins in an anti-clockwise direction, but by the time they finally get back on course, the race is over and the Cheapos have reached their platform.
The Cheapos cheer and Ambore smacks JennaLoo in the bum after they fall over each other in their celebration. I thought only straight macho guys do that after winning a game. Cool. Meanwhile, Ethanol looks glum. Hey, his fumbling plays a big part in his tribe losing, and he knows it. He can feel the blade of the executioner on his neck already. Kathy, by the way, is weeping. It's a satisfying sight. How rude of you, Kathy, to be subjecting me to your distress! I resent that you are drawing me into your core of despair, you selfish hag! In fact, she is blubbering so much that Colby, who is always looking for a Momma, is moved to hug and comfort her. Well, Kathy, isn't that discouraging? Heh, heh, heh!
Probby asks the Cheapos who they want to pick from Ego Ego to go along with them. The Cheapos huddle and whisper and then the Robfather says that they choose Kathy. Hey, Kathy doesn't deserve that! I want to see her cry some more. Damn you, Cheapora, damn you all straight to Loser Lodge! Kathy stands up, tries not to cheer, and walks over to Cheapora. Meanwhile, the Egos will have to head over to Tribal Council tonight, where, alas, Kathy is safe from elimination. Obviously the Robfather wants at least one more post-Marquesas fling with a drunk and pantless Crazy Kathy. A boat, or a "ninety-four foot luxury yacht" as Probby describes it, appears on the horizon, and the Cheapos squeal in joy, jump, and hug each other some more.
On the yacht, Kathy says in her confessional that she really doesn't want to go. Yeah right. She says that she feels rather embarrassed about her losing control of her emotions earlier, saying that she was "crushed" because her tribe lost. Still, she says that she is happy to be here on the yacht. To the Cheapos, she thanks them effusively as they cheer, clap, and toast their teamwork and to another three more days on the game. I'm not sure about the three-day thing. If Burnetto is speeding the rate of elimination on this show, there may be another Tribal Council tomorrow. I guess I'll find out soon enough. Anyway, a really cute guy that Burnetto borrowed from the staff of hot guys of my own imaginary yacht is at their service as he leads them around and brings the food to them. Much eating and gobbling and dancing ensue. I hope the luxury yacht has enough toilets for everybody, although I'm sure Tom will have no problems taking a dump while bending over the railings. Does his ranch have modern plumbing?
Speaking of the redneck, he poses on deck and gushes in his confessional that the yacht is "the fanciest house trailer you ever seen float." No doubt a trailer will be a luxury upgrade for Big Red Tom. Proving that he takes English lessons from Colby, he adds, "It's a house on a lake. It was the only one I've ever been on but I know I couldn't have picked a nicer one." Well, he can't pick a nicer one because he isn't even allowed to pick one in the first place, so Tom, shut up, please. Here, eat a burger. Eat another. Eat one more. And stop complaining that I am using my foot to shove the burgers down your throat, because I really don't like you and I hope you mistake the toilet bowl for a refrigerator.
After demolishing the appetizers of pastries, chips and beer, the Survivors are now led by Hunky Yacht Boy to the dining hall where more food awaits. Ambore gushes to the camera that she doesn't even bother with plates. Hagrid lists down the food in detail (burgers "this thick", et cetera) to the camera, so excited that he is because he won't even be eating food this fine were he not on this game and still a loud, assy unemployed homeless bag idiot on the streets ranting that he is the best and everyone that doesn't appreciate that just hates him because he was a fat kid in school. JennaLoo and Ambore giggle as they talk about not having to worry about pieces of food stuck between their teeth, not during this meal at least. Kathy gushes to the camera that the Cheapos made her feel so-oo-oo welcome. Well, I still hate you, so shut up, hag. She seems to believe that she is the swing person between both tribes as she talks about how she has to be careful in juggling between both tribes to avoid tension back at Ego Ego. She thinks she is so sneaky, huh? Maybe she thinks she personally engineered the Cheapos choosing her too. The Robfather gets the others to sing a song dedicated to her - "We've got a new girl named Kath! She fits in just like that!" I really hope that he will play her good, flay her bloody, and leave her high and dry to sob piteously into her own core of delusional stupidity.
Back at the islands, at the downbeat Ego Ego camp, Ethanol dejectedly walks in carrying the tribe flag on his back. Ooh, Mel Gibson and God are so going to sue Burnetto for trying to cash in on the most violent movie of the year dedicated to God and non-Jewish Lethal Weapon fans everywhere. Lex says in his confessional that losing the Reward-cum-Immunity Challenge is a "hu-uu-uu-uge" letdown, as they were so close to winning only to blow it. Back at the camp, Ethanol puts down the flag and announces to the tribe that he would like to "formally apologize" for screwing up during the Challenge. Jerri, the heartless and mean bitch, says that it's not just his fault - they all have to share the blame. The others mumble their agreement to her words. Ethanol however insists that he is to be blamed for the loss and he is still going on about it in his confessional. For a show that begins with accusations of Jerri whining too much, how amusing that she ends up one of the least whiny on this episode.
The Panamanian BoyBoy Club meeting begins. Lex asks Ethanol whether he wants to talk about the knot thing. "I can't get the knots out," Ethanol tells them. Duh, Mr Obvious. In his confessional, Ethanol says that he wanted to show them that he could hold his own in Challenges, and now that he failed, he could only hope that it won't be him who will be sent packing tonight. This is - what, the third time he is giving this spiel? Will this be Ethanol's theme song this season? "I tried, I screwed up, please don't send me home, ple-ee-eee-ase!"
The Cheapora And Hag Yacht has meanwhile docked on Gung-Gang Island where the Survivors find a table of dessert waiting for them once they get onto the shore. "First, we get off the boat and they take us through this oasis. We know something good is coming!" says JennaLoo in her confessional. Okay, so she has no idea what an oasis actually is. Never mind. She is followed by a pointless confessional by Hagrid - because this isn't Survivor until I overdose on his pompous slurry voice - telling me that they are "in something good" and it just "keeps getting better - there stands a large cart with every kind of dessert you can imagine!" I imagine a giant sundae and it's not on the table, so shut up, Hagrid - here, eat some pies and choke on every one.
More gorging, more squealing - how rivetting! JennaLoo who has been very quiet for the last few episodes is very talkative today as she tells the camera, "I've never packed so much food in my mouth in a short time! It was disgusting but so good!" While eating, they spot a waterfall nearby, an unpolluted and lush waterfall, as Ambore describes it in her confessional. Well, unpolluted and lush it may be, but not for long as the Survivors are soon jumping into the water. Kathy stands back to watch. She tells the camera that the Cheapos are having fun, which is what she feels the Egos don't do enough. Gee, I mean, bitching in the waters isn't fun enough for her? She won't be adverse to jumping ship to Cheapora come the merge, but she says that she will not tell the Egos that she fits in with the Cheapos very well "like a glove". Oh yes, they will believe her when she tells them that the Cheapos have spent the entire time torturing her and drawing her into their core of hatred.
Lizards! Crabs! The Shii Devil! Hmm, what is this, Burnetto? Am I supposed to pick the odd out one? The Shii Devil is studying a coconut. She thinks that it is rotten and asks Ethanol whether he would eat it. Hmm, there is some rancid meat in my fridge, I'd have to go ask the Shii Devil whether she wants to eat it. He says that he will as long as she cooks it. In her confessional, Jerri says that everyone is rather edgy today despite trying to come off as pleasant and easy-going. Back at camp, Jerri asks the Shii Devil what she is doing with the rotten coconut. The twig says that she is trying to "sautÚ" the coconut and then says that Jerri is pissing her off. It looks to me like Jerri is merely asking a reasonable question - the Shii Devil is the one here serving up sautÚd rotten coconuts for everybody.
Jerri takes the other half of the coconut to work on, and the Shii Devil says in her confessional that Jerri is only willing to do the chores other people are doing. Hmm, that sounds like "helping" to me. Just why is that idiot twig complaining again? Maybe Jerri should have just sit out like the Shii Devil instead. Jerri, perhaps sensing the Shii Devil's animosity, offers to hand back the coconut half to Shii Devil. This prompts the Shii Devil to go off in her confessional. Back at camp, Jerri tells the Shii Devil that she doesn't want the rotten coconut for herself. The Shii Devil, in her confessional, shrewishly complains that when she is "putting the rotting coconut into the pot", Jerri "snaps" at her. The vapid twig doesn't seem to realize the stupidity of her words - not only did she miscontrue and twist Jerri's words to her, she also seems blissfully ignorant of the fact that people will not want her to cook rotten food for dinner. Back at camp, the Shii Devil snaps - yup, she's the only snapping here - that she's only "trying to make sure people get what they want" and she really doesn't care what Jerri wants her to do. Oh, that's very adult indeed. And since when did people order a case of massive diarrhea from the Shii Devil? Jerri just shrugs, says that she will fix her own meal, and go chop her own non-rotten coconut.
I don't know why the Shii Devil is so hellbent on hating Jerri to the point that she acts like a spoiled, petulant missy prone to irrational fits, but I can say one thing: Colby is right about someone being a bitch in the tribe, but that someone isn't Jerri.
Ethanol says in his confessional that bad blood is brewing between the Shii Devil and Jerri because he can see the Shii Devil roll up her eyes to Jerri. Wow, that's an astute insight, Mr Stating The Obvious. Colby, in the meantime, tells the camera that he doesn't really care which of the two women go tonight as he thinks that the Shii Devil is only marginally more annoying than Jerri. You think, Colby? And then he contradicts himself by concluding his confessional with his statement saying that he will have a tough time deciding which woman goes tonight. If he's indifferent to them, how can he have a tough time deciding between them? Um, curb your enthusiasm, Colby. Shut up, please. While we're all it, let's just get every Survivor to just shut up and communicate using sign language until my headache is gone.
My sexy yacht boy is now taking down the orders from the Cheapos and One Hag on what they want to drink. Looks like they are now sailing back home. My poor sexy yacht boy, having to serve those horrid people, he must be traumatized at the end of the day. I'll just get my hands warmed up and the baby oil ready for the full body massage that dear Pedro the Sexy Yacht Boy enjoys so much. Kathy orders a margarita. Ambore orders... why am I bothering with these details? Anyway, moving on - once the drinks are served, the guys decide to play a little game of golf using the clubs another guy brings out while Pedro has to hide in the radio room and call me up to weep and complain about the bad body odors of those horrid people that he has to come in close contact to all day. Don't worry, Pedro, I'm waiting for you with that special backrub treatment you like so much. Just count the minutes, pinch your nose, think of me, dig your nose, and dip that finger into the drinks for me. I hope those golf balls are as "environmentally friendly" as that Not So Pretty Yacht Guy says as I shudder to think of poor Bruce the Shark swallowing one of those thinking it is Ethanol's testicle and choke to death in the process.
The Robfather announces that he was in some "state championship golf team" in his high school days, takes a swing, and while he hits the ball with his club, he slips and slides along the deck until he lands heavily on his backside on the deck. Beautiful. Big Red Tom and JennaLoo are no more successful, although they don't flop as spectacularly as the Robfather's dramatic slide. The Robfather tries again, only this time his club flies out of his hand as the others cheer. He laughs and you know, it's a very nice laugh, even if me admitting that makes me want to dig a hole in the ground and bury myself in shame.
Since the golf game is a disaster, the Cheapos and One Hag soon abandon it for less challenging activities. Hagrid is standing at the bow and this is one time I won't mind seeing the yacht rear up ala Titanic, split into two, and send Hagrid tumbling down towards the sea while Celine Dion's voice reaches a crescendo, "And you're safe in my arms and my heart will go on and oooonnnnnnn!" in beautiful accompaniment to the thunk-thunk-thunk of Hagrid's head hitting every single loose plank, shingle, and other hard protrusions on his way down. Meanwhile, Big Red Tom wants to catch at least one fish so that he won't look so lacking compared to Hagrid's fishing prowess. I become wistful for one more pointless sequel to Jaws after seeing him sitting there, so happy, so calm, so dum-dum-dum-dum-AAAHHHH SHARK!-chomp worthy.
The women are seated and talking all this while. Ambore speculates to Kathy that the Egos must be getting ready for the Tribal Council at this time. Alicia tells the camera that Kathy is determined to go far in this game, the tough woman that Kathy is, and she may be the perfect person for the Cheapos to pull over to their side after the merge. As Kathy tells the women about her alliance with Lex Loser and the Shii Devil, Alicia tells the camera that Kathy is liberally dispensing information about her tribe to the Cheapo women. Alicia is aware that Kathy may not be telling the truth, however, and to be honest, she doesn't expect Kathy to. As the women talk some more, laughing over what seems to be a pleasant conversation and hence a conversation that I can safely assume involves character assassination, Big Tom puts away his fishing rod and says that he failed to catch anything. Hagrid caught more fish using a stick than Tom did using a fishing rod, he says with a chuckle. He looks over to the women and say that Kathy is falling into the Robfather's "trap" and that the Cheapo women are reeling her in like a pro.
Back at Ego Ego. As the evening draws near and the Tribal Council looms, Ethanol calls himself a "jumbled puzzle" - more like the puzzle piece that don't fit in, if you ask me - and is feeling very nervous about his fate in the tribe. He does what he thinks is a brilliant idea - he runs to Colby and as the two of them sit down side by side to scratch their legs and what not, he proposes that they all band together to boot Jerri off to Loser Lodge. Colby is enthusiastic about this idea. Why, he even has the boot speech planned, he says and they both share a laugh because they are such sneaky and clever men. In his confessional, Ethanol says that he has been pushing for a Jerri boot since "Day One", maybe because Jerri is the only smart woman under forty in this game that refuses to sleep with him, and Jerri alienating her tribe members only makes it easier for him to push this idea forth. Colby says that he will tell Jerri that she is leaving out of spite because as he says, she can't do anything about it anyway. He tells Ethanol that he will talk to Lex Loser about this plan to boot Jerri but he doesn't expect any opposition from Lex. I love how this guy arrogantly assumes that people will trot and dance to his music just because he says so. Give him the chance to orchestrate an obvious boot and he thinks he's now a bloody mastermind.
In his confessional, Colby looks particularly repulsive in his cockiness as he scratches his ear and says that Jerri is doomed the moment she came to Ego Ego because she just rubs people off as it's her "way". I really would like to know whether Jerri is really that abrasive or it's just that idiots like him keep using her previous mistakes as an excuse to treat her badly and then complain that she's still a bitch when she tries to fight back. I suspect it's the latter, judging from the Shii Devil's disgusting high-school sorority bitch antics and now Colby's obnoxious glee. He says that this game is not meant for Jerri and then snort and smile, waiting for people to applaud him for what he thinks is such a clever thing to say. I really enjoy the smile, especially when the tribe finally pulls off every teeth and makes him swallow every one along with his pride, figuratively speaking, at the end of the day.
Lex tells Colby that he will go along with the plan. But in his confessional, Lex says that he has changed his gameplan since Africa - no more BoyBoy Clubs for him, no siree - and now he knows that you can't win if you keep playing it safe in the game. He asks Jerri to go for a walk with him, where he then tells her that Colby and Ethanol are planning to boot her out. Lex, however, wants to "do Colby" instead. Yeah, you and ten thousand women watching this show. Yeah, yeah, I know what Lex really means by "doing" Colby, so let's just move on. The idea of "doing Colby" isn't so hot anymore anyway, thanks to Colby's obnoxious arrogance. It is one thing to be obnoxiously arrogant but cunning, like the Robfather, which is kind of sexy at times, but Colby is just arrogant and stupid, which is just plain unappealing. Lex tells Jerri that Colby must go because the merge is near and Colby will be "unstoppable" if his track record in Australia is anything to go by. He doesn't need to - Jerri, being handed a chance to save herself and to deliver a mean little payback at the same time, is 150,000% all for booting Colby off the island. Lex says that Colby will be shocked tonight, and he and Jerri share a gleeful hug. Lex really likes hugging the ladies, doesn't he? Now all they need to do is to get the idiot Shii Devil creature to go along with them.
Jerri in her confessional hopes nervously that things will work out the way Lex and she hope they will. Back to their discussion, Lex tells her that Ethanol and Colby believe that Lex brought her here to inform her that she is leaving. She will act all torn up after this, of course, to keep the two idiots in the dark about the upcoming coup. Ooh, Lex and Jerri are using Colby's own Hatch-boot strategy against him! I love it, especially when Colby is idiotic enough to ask people to do his own dirty work. Maybe Kathy was right last week about Colby treating the women like second-class tribe members by acting as if he's too good to talk to them personally. Jerri tells the camera that one of her main goals on this game is to last longer than Colby. Who cares that she has lost a chance at the barbecue and the open bar? If losing Colby is the outcome of the Egos' losing at the earlier Challenge, she's "totally fine" with things now. Heh, she's showing shades of the old Jerri Mantis there. Lex tells Jerri that the Shii Devil would go with them as she has a better chance at lasting longer in the game than were she to ally herself with Ethanol and Colby. Lex is making sense here, but the problem now is whether the imbecile in question knows that.
Lex explains his plans to the Shii Devil, saying that they are all at the "cusp" of a grand moment. The men of Ego Ego are such an eloquent bunch of poets, I tell you. The Shii Devil tells the camera that "trouble is brewing" in the tribe. Wow, tell me something else that I don't know, dingbat! She repeats what Lex told her (which is what Lex also told Jerri), but then says that she really wants Jerri to go because Jerri "is so lazy" and "annoys" the hell out of her. If this is good reason enough to boot someone out, the world would have booted the Shii Devil a thousand times over by now, tape the bootings, and play them all day on national holidays. Shut up, twit! The Shii Devil whines that she doesn't know what to do because Kathy is away. Where's the falling piano when I need it? Can't she make up her own mind? Is she such a feeble sheep? "Under the radar", hah! "Under the bedrocks", more like.
As sunset approaches, the Cheapos and One Hag are enjoying what's left of their yacht adventure. Hagrid and JennaLoo are sleeping while the hardcore true-blue Cheapos are still dancing, boozing, and getting drunker than drunk outside. Pedro is still cowering in fear in the radio room, begging me to promise that he can come over tonight and I will make everything feel okay again, so another guy has to come out and give these drunkards champagne. Big Red Tom says that he misses his goats. Oh, I'm sure he does. Ambore tells the camera that this moment at sunset is perfect in every way. The real true Cheapos toast one more time as the sun sets. The fact that Hagrid and JennaLoo are not in this joyous toast session may or may not be of any significance in the future, but it's worth taking this down in your book of potential clues and foreshadowings, if you keep such a book.
Back at land, Lex Loser is nervous but as he tells the camera, he's sure that things will turn out his way. Colby smugly tells the camera that he is sure that Jerri would go home tonight at a four-one vote, unless Jerri manages to pull some miracle. Jerri's unpredictability, he says, is another reason why she must go. What a clueless dolt, he's misreading the whole tribe dynamics so wrongly, it's so amusing. The sun finally sets as the Egos head off to Tribal Council.
Night, Tribal Council. Probby is waiting as they take their seats. Once everyone is ready, he dives straight for the jurgular - he asks Ethanol about his delay costing the Egos a significant lead during the earlier Challenge. Ethanol jokes that the loss of lead isn't that significant, but he sobers up and accepts the entire responsibility for the tribe's loss. He also revealingly mentions that he is embarrassed to lose to the Robfather. Heh. Probby turns to Colby and asks about the animosity between the two tribes. Colby says that he too hates losing to the Robfather. Aw, come on, you two didn't lose to him - you two got totally owned, trounced, humiliated, and outplayed totally by the Robfather. Colby says that "no one" is looking forward to "coexisting" with the Cheapos after the merge. Don't worry, Colby, you won't have to, hee hee.
Lex says, when asked, that he is always thinking about the merge, and anyone who is a physical challenge hog is perceived as a threat. Jerri adds that she agrees with Lex in that she too votes on who will present the biggest physical threat to her. Colby cuts in and says that he disagrees with her (surprise). He then pauses and pretends to be gracious by saying very condescendingly that if she hasn't finished, she can go on. Jerk, of course he knows that she wasn't finished - he interrupted her in mid-sentence! Jerri lets him speak, and he goes on to explain that it doesn't make sense for a tribe to lose its strongest members that would be very useful in Challenges. That may or may not be true, but the validity of Colby's statement is negated entirely by the motivations and sentiments that drive him to say it. He's such a jerk.
Probby asks the Shii Devil whom the tribe can afford to lose. The Shii Devil answers, "Me or Jerri" before apologizing (fakely) to Jerri for speaking for Jerri. Jerri shrugs and says that it is okay for the Shii Devil to speak for her. Seriously, the more these people speak, the more Jerri comes off looking like a saint. Probby asks Jerri to confirm this. Jerri agrees, but says in her defense that she is good at puzzle-solving. The Shii Devil casts her a "that's my claim to fame, bitch!" sideway glare. Jerri, probably joking now, adds that she is a fun person to get along with. Ethanol and Colby exchange bitchy glances that make me seriously long to smack them. Jerri had her ugly moments in Australia, yes, but these people are using their stubborn preconceptions or, in Colby's case, blind dislike to lower themselves to the level of Jerri back in Australia. These people are pathetic, really.
Probby asks the Shii Devil which member is the most valuable in physical challenges. She picks Colby. Colby cuts in and makes a pathetic drama queen speech about how for a while he feels threatened by what the others feel about him. He's a lousy liar and he will never have an acting career outside Curb Your Enthusiasm and stupid commercials, because while he is speaking, his body language is telegraphing his sense of invulnerability very clearly. Probby asks Lex whether tonight's vote will be a surprise. Lex evades Probby's last moment ditch to warn Colby by saying that the only person safe tonight from eviction is a hag named Kathy.
It's now time to vote.
Ethanol - "Jerry". Here is his full, unedited bye-bye speech, courtesy of Survivor Insider: "I think I spelt your name wrong, sorry. But Jerri, you're two-faced. Over at Sobroken, you gave up, you threw in the towel. During that rainstorm, you quit. And since then you haven't been the same. You came over to Ego Ego and you're a happy person. That can't happen! We can't trust that! I can't trust you! So bye!"
What on earth is that? Jerri was depressed at Sobroken and feeling better in the better living conditions of Ego Ego, so she's two-faced? And because she's happy, he can't trust her? What kind of twisted logic is that?
Lex Loser - Colby. "I hope you don't take this personally. I think you and I both know that this game has absolutely nothing to do with friendship. I had to make a hard call to help my game. And unfortunately it meant taking you out. I hope when all this is said and done that we'll still be cool."
He's so sensible. I think I'm in love. No, really.
Colby - Jerri. His grand speech? He drops the folded paper, looks to the camera, smiles, and shrugs. I love to play that scene and then fast forward to his torch snuffing scene again and again for laughs.
Jerri - Colby. The show just shows her saying a small part of her speech. Because today is Jerri's day, I'll be nice and post her entire speech: "Is this a revenge vote? Hell yeah. And if things go according to plan, our past score will be even and we can move beyond and above. Beyond revenge, this is also my vote tonight because you have voiced your opinion many times to many people throughout the course of this game that you don't even care if you get voted off. I myself do. I myself want to be here more than any other place. And I don't think you feel the same. And so for those reasons, I am voting for you."
Shii Devil - Colby. The imbecile has the arrogance to say, "You have always underestimated my powers. Next time, instead of criticizing my game, why don't you spend some time analyzing your own?"
Probby goes to tally the votes. The camera pans to a worried Jerri, smug Colby, and a troubled Lex. The fact that Probby comes back looking close to bursting into tears should be warning enough to Colby, but no. He nods when Probby reads the votes: Colby. Colby nods - he expects Jerri to vote for him after all. And then, Probby reads, Colby. Uh oh. Probby reads, Jerri. Colby relaxes. Probby reads the next one, Jerri. Jerri looks resigned as Probby reads the last vote: Colby! Poor Colby gets up to get Probby to snuff out his mighty torch, although now that Colby is no longer mighty, Probby would most likely be calling the Feuhrer out for drinks soon. Colby just walks out without a backward glance, while Ethanol looks mighty torn as he watches his only ally walk down the path of shame. Probby's voice cracked a little as he says in a "We-eee-lll, you bitches, well!" tone that the tribe obviously chooses to vote on the basis of who is the biggest threat. He sends them back to camp and runs back to his trailer to look up the Feuhrer's number.
Next week: the Robfather and Ambore kiss - are you watching this, Rat Boy? (Keep your hands on the table where I can see them, please.) Something about ambassadors, the Robfather and Hagrid fight - wow, this may be good after all!
Colby, from hero to jerk, pariah, loser, and the twit that is just dumped by Probby for a smarmy lawyer who is so much hotter than him anyway, says in his final words that he has never been voted before but you can never predict the way this game will be. Still, he has had fun, so bye bye people. Loser Colby tuning out!
You know, after last week's depressive episode, this one, with Colby's satisfying comeuppance, is actually most enjoyable. I've had a lot of fun. Wow!
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