When The Lights Go Down
American Idol 5: Episode 13

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Eeeeee! Thursday

It's a tight squeeze as Sleazie poses with the twenty-four semifinalists on the stage while he babbles about two guys and two ladies going home by the end of this episode. Sleazie babbles for, oh, ten minutes about nothing as the clock ticks by before introducing Randy Randy, Miss Paula, and King Tut. He then asks Randy Randy about how much "weight" likeability carries with the audience. Now that is what I call a really, really, really, really, really stupid question, up there with "Do you think I will get wet if I walk in the rain without an umbrella?" Randy Randy thinks that the audience "sometimes" listens to the judges about the singing thing but he also believes that the "X-factor" plays a role. Randy Randy insists that as the numbers dwindle, people pay more attention to talent and I can't recap anymore of this self-congratulating circle of delusion crap that these people are trying to shove down my throat. Miss Paula is asked by Sleazie why the show is still going strong after five seasons and I wish someone in the audience will have the guts to shout, "Do you think people actually care about what Randy Randy and Miss Paula have to say about anything? GOD!"

King Tut wonders aloud why Sleazie is obsessed about what King Tut is wearing and says that Sleazie's obsession is bordering on creepy, just like Sleazie's fingers are. This leads to Sleazie snarking that King Tut is wise and mature and Sleazie is always the one to look up to the elderly. Those two end up promising to exchange photos and I'm so happy that love manages to bloom amidst putrid and truly pathetic attempts at "Q&A" to pad up the hour. Sleazie asks whether it's "obvious" who will be leaving and King Tut says yes because those who are leaving are terrible. He thinks that the three judges have "trained" America to be "good music critics". That's when this show explodes in its own misguided hubris and the rest of the world cheer in joy.

These four people eventually run out of putrid rubbish to talk about so it's time to have the ladies sing back-up to the guys in a lacklustre group performance of the Eagles' Take It Easy. Chris oversings and Taylor... eeuw.

Anyway, with that done with, it's now time for the ladies to learn which of them get the least of the over 40 million votes that are supposed to have come in for the two previous episodes combined. I'm not going to recap the pointless Q&A apart from that really hilarious moment when Brenna compares herself to a dove and comes off even more self-absorbed and deranged than ever. Blah blah blah Sleazie reveals that either Brenna or Becky is the person with the lowest number of votes. And that person booted is... Becky! Brenna goes to hug her but she hilariously rebuffs her.

"Nooooo!" screams hubby. "How do they expect me to watch this show now that the pretty one is gone?"

Becky performs Because The Night as her swan song and she actually sounds better tonight with that horrible wrong key thing she did previously being absent tonight. Hubby takes Becky's departure really hard as he wonders why the voting girlies always seem to have something against pretty women with breasts.

Guys now. Pointless Q&A (also known as "Kevin Is So Cute Pimp Moment") that I don't care for follow. Blah blah blah Bobby is out. Yeah, I didn't see that one coming. He performs as hilariously comical as before (only now he seems depressed instead of cheesy) and then he's gone.

Ladies again. That person with the second lowest number of votes is... Stevie! And Stevie performs better this time than before, with her being in a key that doesn't make her sound like she's on helium.

And finally, the guys. Patrick is booted. "Noooooooo!" I scream. King Tut is right though - Patrick didn't stand out which is why he's going home. He's not the best or the worst but the ones in the middle are always the first ones cut. He performs Come To My Window again so much better than previously and hubby and I sigh about how traumatic this episode is because our favorites in the shallow pool are unceremoniously booted without any care for our delicate feelings. People, you all suck.

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