Alex Stargazer, $0.99
Fantasy Romance, 2019
A guy visits Norway, gets drunk in a pub, and goes home with a big, hot man – that sounds like the start of a grand romance, doesn’t it? Well, that or the start of a serial killer story, as this one is set in the Land of the Midnight Sun after all. Alas, because the title of this story gives everything away, I don’t think anyone will be stunned to realize that the big, hot man Eirik turns out to be a vampire.
Now, I am not sure why Eirik will be so open about him being a vampire, or why Peter is so casual about that fact. Peter soon learns from Eirik that vampires have existed since the dawn of mankind, and that’s when I soon realize that The Vampire Eirik isn’t a romance as much as it is an exposition on Vampires 101. As a fan of Jules Verne’s stories, I’d be a hypocrite if I said that this kind of story is somehow not my cup of tea. No, my issue here is that, aside from the exposition, there is little drama or excitement to warrant this story being marketed as a romance. Sure, Eirik and Peter decide they are in love, but I don’t see any sexual chemistry or even relationship development in this story.
The closest thing to drama here is Eirik and Peter being stranded in a snowstorm, which I suppose can be a suspenseful premise as Eirik’s supply of packed blood won’t last long. Unfortunately, these characters have only one mode: the auditioning-for-a-sitcom mode. That’s right, Peter especially has a quip for every occasion, appropriate or not, making him a walking punchline machine incapable of feeling any believable human emotion. Hence, there is no drama, suspense, build-up, nothing. Everything here is exposition punctuated by sarcastic “Look at me! I’m so funny!” quips.
And the exposition isn’t even interesting! The vampires are bland and they don’t have anything that makes those creatures exciting or sexy. Eirik is infallibly nice and polite, to the point that he may as well be some giant talking bunny. Actually, that would be far more interesting that him being this wet blanket incarnation.
The Vampire Eirik is like a documentary on the feeding and mating habits of the sloth. Sure, things look mildly interesting for a moment, but I begin to yearn for something more riveting. This is supposed to be a vampire romance, right? Where’s the sense of danger, the excitement of shagging someone who is on top of you in the food chain? For heaven’s sake, this one is set in Norway, a setting where every other fictitious character is a cannibal or serial killer!
Maybe this one is meant for very young readers and I’m just missing the point? At any rate, I certainly need far more than what this story can offer me.
