Kimaya Mathew, $0.99, ISBN 978-1370596690
Fantasy Romance, 2017
I don’t even know how to describe the story present in Kimaya Mathew’s The Sheikh’s Quadruplet Baby Surprise.
As far as I can tell, this is an alternative Earth setting, where sheikhs apparently roam around the world doing what they do best—building hotels and impregnating white women—and they are also vampires.
Sheikh Iqbal-un-rakam-bahut, ruler of Takim, the backbone of vampire’s, commonly known as demons of the north, smiles at the human queen.
I’m pretty sure there is a missing word after “vampire’s” but hey, some authors have told me that their book, their rules, so I can shut it with my nitpicking. Maybe I should use that same excuse the next time someone writes to me pointing out missing words or grammatical errors in my reviews.
Meanwhile, Princess Alayna was somehow impregnated by Sheikh Iqbal-paypal-penpal-mugam-muram-poot-papoop’s twin brother in an episode best described as mind-rape, with quadruplets to boot, and yet, that’s okay, because Iqbal-kebab-kebaba has imprinted on her when she was a fetus or something (the author is a big fan of the Twilight saga, and yes, I can tell) so now he wants her as hard as she makes his pee-pee to be. Alayna is all, oh no, another man’s seed has bore fruit in her womb, how can she be worthy of this hic-hick-sheikh fangface?
If the plot doesn’t scream Trashy in Tunisian enough, the author is really fond of ending her sentences with an exclamation mark or two.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” that male outcry comes from the door of the room. Quick steps follow it, and soon Habiba is in her husband’s arm, with his mouth pressed against her!
Presumably, the scent he caught her was not lying about the pregnancy, thinks Iqbal! And that thought makes his headache, once again! All this lovey-dovey shit makes him want to shove a toilet brush into his mouth and throw up!
As husband sits, followed by the wife, Iqbal congratulates Kabeer, smiles and shakes his head!
About to open his mouth, he halts immediately, as some other scent tingles his nostrils and makes his head turn towards the other…women!!
Okay, let me slap myself. Yes, I’m awake and I’m certainly sober, and this is the real world.
He shuts his eyes and looks sideways!
So much for avoiding this face!
This one damning face all his life!
So much for thinking that his return to the human world will be…ok! And that, by chance, he might as well have a look at her but not meet her; not really!
Sheikh Iqbal-un-rakam-bahut, ruler of Takim, till present day has never demanded such kind of mixed feelings inside his chest, that too, for a human female!
A very pregnant, ripe and delicious female at that, who is royalty herself!
Help me. Someone, please—I think I’m trapped in some kind of waking nightmare and I can’t get out.
Every instinct tells her to flee, to run as if her very life depends on it! Then what should she do about this one crazy attraction which is insisting her to stay, not to leave until she knows this man…this super D&D?
What’s “D&D”? Dungeons & Dragons? Dumb and dumber? Is the author writing in shorthand?
His vampire sense super-alert and awake because of the dark time, the thought had dazzled him entirely, when he sighted the pregnant female roaming on her side of the suite!
Hair opened, hands-on her super-adorable bump, absently caressing it with her eyes looking into some different world, he fled from the sight as soon as she was alerted to his presence!
She looked absolutely…eatable! That pale neck on display, with moonlight caressing it. High full breast, with the right nipple, reflected through that sorry excuse of a nightie, and that smell!
Motherfucking love of blood!
I have an insane laugh coming out from my mouth. It’s like being trapped in a Lovecraft-ian horror film. The story is like the work of an elder evil, making me doubt reality and sanity as I read each word. I have no idea what I am reading at all, but the images and colors and profanities that coalesce in my brain are terrifying, petrifying. I can only make crazed half-laughs, half-shrieks as I start rocking my body while clinging to my tablet.
Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Iqbal-wabal-babal-wawah-wagh-argh-urgh-aaarh wgah’nagl fhtagn!
He will rise, people!
He will rise and devour us all!
I have the seen the truth in the insane swirls of spewing throbbing erect exclamation marks in this tome of truth!
We are all going to be devoured by horny tentacles, and it will be glorious!
Ha ha ha, hee hee hee, muahahahaha!