Liquid Silver Books, $5.99, ISBN 978-1-62210-276-1
Contemporary Romance, 2015
Eddie is thin, tall, and nuts about Broadway, especially Pippin. He lives with his mother Karen, and is as sensitive and emotional as can be. If you are thinking “crybaby bottom”, yes, you are psychic, my dear… or maybe, just like me, you have read too many formulaic gay romances. Eddie is a crybaby because he will spend the rest of the story reeling – just reeling – when his mother finally tells him that “Uncle Jason”, the family friend is his “bio dad”. How dare his mother made him live a lie all this while! No wonder he’s always felt closer to his Uncle Jason and has a “tenuous” bond with the man he thought was his real father!
Yes, this is another story where biology trumps nurture – if you are not someone’s biological parent, you may as well tie a bag of rocks around that brat’s neck and ditch it into a lake because it will grow up unable to love you, no matter how well you care for it, because it is attuned to love only its biological parent.
Anyway, Eddie falls in love with Bill Kelly (described as more muscular than Eddie, so naturally he’s the top, as we all know that it’s biologically impossible for smaller gay guys to top) and has no problems opening up his chocolate chip shop to his patronage, but he soon discovers that Bill’s gay adopted daddy knows Uncle Jason so NO-OOO-OOO-OOO. How can the world do this to him? Eddie has the world’s biggest problem ever – surrounded by everyone who thinks he’s the bee’s knees but somehow, they never told him that Uncle Jason penetrated his mommy to conceive him or that Bill is affiliated with the man that abetted his conception SO HE WILL NEVER LOVE AGAIN BECAUSE THE WORLD IS SO DARK AND CRUEL AND WAH WAH WAH WAH.
Meanwhile, Karen finally decides to let herself fall in love with Jason again – she’s quite daring, as the most prominent flashback of her here involves her sleeping with a guy and the guy realizing the morning after that he can’t deny anymore that he is gay – and now she is despairing because, oh, will she lose her son – forever?
Now, I know people who are too much into musicals can get a bit dramatic, but Eddie isn’t just melodramatic, he’s making mountains out of molehills in such an obnoxious crybaby manner that, in a righteous world, he’d be run over several times by a procession of clown cars while Woody Woodpecker’s annoying laugh plays in a continuous loop in the background.
Worse, the author writes like she’s working for the worst college LGBT propaganda department in the world. Her characters don’t speak, they monologue in the most unbelievable manner.
Turning toward Marco, Eddie briefly thought of his own dilemma, having two fathers, while Bill had lost one. “I’m sorry for both of you. It must have been rough losing someone you love. He must have been young.”
“AIDS. For men our age, it was an ongoing killer for a long time. He played around before we met, as did so many. It was accepted; the thing to do. I was lucky to have found him and to be negative. He wasn’t so lucky. We lost him about twenty years ago.”
“My mom’s best friend died around the same time from the same disease. It really sucks. He was a great guy and I was even named after him. He found out he was positive when my mom was pregnant. I don’t remember much about him. I was only five when he died.”
Marco patted Eddie’s shoulder. “It’s too bad both you and Bill had to be touched by that damn plague when you were children. I’m just glad we know so much more now and young men like you know how to be careful.”
Eddie nodded. “I’m always careful.” He nudged Brian’s shoulder.
“He’s practically a walking, talking public service announcement when it comes to safety, care, and cleanliness. He’s trained me the same way. Heterosexual or not, no one’s immune.”
“You’re a smart one, my young friend.” Marco smiled at Brian and then Eddie. “I understand Bill will be spending the evening with you boys. I’m significantly more comfortable knowing he’ll be with very responsible people.”
Who speaks like this? I think the author must have done her research on how gay guys talk by watching the worst of TLA Releasing’s catalog.
Bill faced Eddie and tenderly cupped his cheek and chin. It may have been as corny as hell, but Eddie imagined he could feel an electric shock from the contact. Eddie leaned into Bill’s touch. It felt right. “I have lots of friends and a stable family, small as it is. I may have started in the foster care program, but I ended up with two dads I wouldn’t trade for anything in the world. The only thing I wish is that both were still alive.” Bill continued to gently run his fingers over the rim and lobe of Eddie’s ear. It tickled but not enough to make Eddie laugh and ruin the moment. “What I don’t have is someone who is the one for me. I’ve had some nice boyfriends, a couple of boyfriends who were real hotties, but none that combined the two. I’ve also never had someone in my life who cared about me as much as I cared about him.”
“I want to know all about you. I want to know about your family, about both of your fathers, and not just because I’m a fan of Broadway stars.”
“You didn’t need to say that. I kind of sensed it. I’m a fairly good judge of character and can sense when someone is different…when someone is special.”
Although Eddie hoped he knew the answer, he needed to hear it out loud. “Do you think I’m special?”
No, Eddie is the butt end of a honey badger and he can go choke on a hedgehog, because The Music in My Life is overwrought and annoying, featuring one of the worst crybabies ever, as well as written in the most artificial manner possible.