Main cast: Brad Pitt (Jerry Welbach), Julia Roberts (Samantha Barzel), James Gandolfini (Leroy), JK Simmons (Ted), and Bob Balaban (Nayman)
Director: Gore Verbinski
A more appropriate title for this movie will be Barbie and Ken Go El Mariachi. Full of insulting clichés and bad acting, The Mexican is an excruciating movie. Forget Salman Rushdie, let’s put out a fatwa on Julia Roberts if she dares shriek in that electric drill whine she does in this movie! Or on Brad Pitt if he thinks his ticky acting is funny! Or on Gore Verbinski if he thinks to make another movie where being gay means you have to sprout mawkish, juvenile, insipid garbage about love.
The story is about Jerry and Sam in love, but Jerry heads off to Mexico for one last job for his crime boss. His job? Retrieve a supposedly-cursed-by-love pistol. Sam shrieks that he is being selfish and dumps him (after more shrieks) for Las Vegas. Jerry loses gun boo-hoo. Sam gets kidnapped by fat gay man Leroy who, being gay, takes only two scenes before starting to talk about love and how wonderful we all will be if we love each other and all.
Never mind that Leroy has no reason to talk about love in such a pathetically inane manner. “When do you know that enough is enough?” he asks solemnly, and I shriek, “When the jackhammer is shoved up your ass, you irritating, condescending moron!” I hate Leroy too for not killing Sam the moment he has the chance. Ooh, Sam likes Leroy. Sam cries because Leroy is gay and she is, like, so happy because it’s so cool to like gays. Sam weeps because Leroy’s gay boyfriend dies, even though she has no reason to (does she even remember that Leroy is holding her for ransom?). Since we have gay men, we must also have dancing scenes with them!
Julia Roberts has this idea that screaming is acting. So she screams. And screams. And shrieks. And shrieks. And don’t forget flouncing off in irrational temper tantrums. That’s a heroine for you, one that Leroy (don’t forget he’s gay) thinks is “special”. Of course, we all know that gay men live only to comfort heterosexual women. Hence, Leroy asks if Sam wants him to stay instead of boinking that handsome stud he picked up. Yeah, in real life all gay men want to hold Julia, sorry, Sam as she weeps about missing her boyfriend whom she hatesloveshatesloveshatesloveshatesloves instead of screwing handsome gay studs.
Sam – die, die, die! Leroy, die too!
As for Jerry – well, let’s face it, Brad Pitt plays nobody but Brad Pitt. Someone should tell him that he should have just strip naked and dance about in this movie with his woody for all to see, because the man sure can’t act his way out of a toilet bowl. But compared to Ms Roberts, he’s the new Actor of the Century.
Oh yeah, if all gay men live to kiss heterosexual women’s toes, all Mexicans are dumb, ignorant hicks who live only to steal cars, shoot people, and cry over tales of luuurrve.
You know what? Screw that. Screw this movie for making me want to vomit out my stomach in disgust. Screw the bad acting, screw the stupid plot, and most of all, screw Julia Roberts’ incessant high-pitched screaming. My head is still ringing – you know what, screw the director and the producers too for inflicting this dire crap stupidity-infested piece of smelly stuff on me. SCREW YOU ALL! HAHAHAHEHEEHEEEHEEE SCREWSCREWSCREW – hey, get off me, where do all these men in white come from? Get away! No, not the straight jacket! Nooooooooo!!!