Twisted E-Publishing, $2.99
Paranormal Erotica, 2014
In The General’s Virgin Slave, Amanda Adams is the textbook snobby geek. She frowns and sneers at the idea of people in her Bath college getting drunk and having sex, while having more specialized knowledge of ancient Romans than most people. Of course, she’s still gorgeous and hot, which probably explains why she has the usual best friend who gets laid a lot that drags her to a toga party at the start of this story. Amanda retreats to the bathroom, all dressed up in her Iceni warrior princess outfit (complete with face paint and plastic spear), and comes out in 64 AD, right in the middle of a scene of carnage.
General Marcus Cassius has just finished burning to death several natives in their homes – those natives sympathized with Boudicea and tried to revolt, so they deserve it – and he is wondering why he isn’t getting a chubby as he watches his two men trying to chase and rape a woman when, lo, Amanda shows up and accidentally hits him with her spear. Ding-ding-ding!
For the first time in weeks, Marcus felt the prickle of sexual interest. His seed surged. At last. Praise be! He’d begun to think his cockerel would never crow again.
Yeah, the trumpets, they go: da da, da-ra-ra-da, da, da!
He captures Amanda and makes her his newest slave, and because she wisely announces to him that she is a virgin, decides to prolong the thrill of anticipation by waiting a little longer. The author wants to fill up a few more pages, after all. Marcus also rather foolishly shows her off to his boss, whose trumpet also goes off. Now Marcus the dumb-dumb has to find excuses not to let the boss enjoy having a go at Amanda. Meanwhile, Amanda talks about Beyoncé and generally does everything she can to have people assume that she is a witch. Given that our heroine is supposedly a scholar who knows what a superstitious lot these people are, I’m sure she knows what she is doing by telling Marcus that she comes from the future and all.
At any rate, will she ever lose her virginity before they burn her for being a witch, or will she finally find a happy ending with this true love of hers?
Now, I know, the hero – a man who has his enemies burned, killed, raped and what not. But this is a Roman general, after all, and back in those days, it’s not like they invite their enemies out to watch the sunset together. It’d be more unrealistic to have a general being all pacifist and bleeding in the heart. No, the trouble here is the author introducing these elements in the hero, only to then proceed to whitewash the hero and turn him into a mushy twit who seems more suited to be in a boyband, singing juvenile love songs to the heroine. This story has spanking and sexy times with an audience cheering the participants on, but the hero is disappointingly safe after the initial display of ruthlessness. He starts out all metal and dope, only to morph into Afrojack singing mournfully after the heroine that he feels ten feet tall in her presence. Sigh.
Still, there is a good degree of eroticism in here, and the heroine can be quite the hilarious messy train wreck here. She makes me laugh, so I guess she’s alright. Besides, it’s hard to take this story seriously because the heroine often ups the camp factor, and this is not a bad thing as I’m entertained.
Oh, and be careful – there is a sequel, and if you choose to treat this story as a standalone, be warned that there is no conventional happy ending for these two. Maybe in the sequel? I have that purchased and ready to go, so I guess I’ll soon find out.
Cantankerous muffin who loves boys that sparkle, unicorns, money, chocolates, and fantastical stories.