Harlequin Blaze, $4.50, ISBN 0-373-79018-X
Contemporary Romance, 2001
Hello everybody! My name is Angela Snowe, and I’m a thirty year old librarian. Surrounded by books, and I don’t even know what “masturbation” means. That’s right! I’m a librarian, I’m a virgin, and I’ve never had an orgasm!
Now that my grandmother’s dead, I’m sure that I’m next! They found a lump on my breast, and instead of heading over to a mammogram, I know I’m going to die.
So like all reasonable, intelligent romance heroine librarian virgins everywhere, I decide to have sex. Now. That’s right. Now. Tonight. Right here.
Wait, where are you guys running off to? Hey, people, I’m right here! Yoo-hoo! Come on, the pig barn can’t be more fun than me! I’m a librarian virgin! Don’t you guys wanna pity freak me and make me feel like a woman before I die?
That’s it. I must now seduce a guy. Anyway, I must tell you that I’m one butt-ugly chick. I mean, look at my supermodel-ly but curvy body, buttocks that will out J-Lo J-Lo herself, my enormous breasts, but oh, the horror! I wear glasses! I wear glasses, so no men want to pity freak me!
But ah, salvation is at hand. See, everyone knows that the best way to lose your virginity is to lose it to that guy you have a crush on like, well, since high school. So here comes Josh Montgomery. He’s kinda slutty, just my type, but he doesn’t want to. Oh, what can I do?
Please stop throwing that obscene vibrator at me. I’m a good woman, I don’t pleasure myself, I beg men and do undignified stuff to get them to freak me. That way, I can have orgasms without soiling my hands or my conscience. What? How dare you! Only an evil person will ask me to have sexual congress with a pitchfork!
Anyway, now he has pity freaked me, and oh, I realize that… that… I love him! Oh, but I promised that this will only be about sex. What’s that you say? “Look under E for euthana – “, how dare you? Anyway, now I’m so tortured, oh, oh, oh. Does he love me back? Should I let him freak me some more? If he does this, does this mean that he will marry me? When he does that, does that mean that he hates me now? What shall I do? What shall I do? I’m just an ex-virgin librarian, surrounded by books, oh I have nowhere to turn to for advice…
But wait, he loves me! He loves me! All my exclamation marks have not gone to waste after all! Am I not lucky, readers? I got laid to this stud whom I love forever and he marries me! I am the luckiest woman in the world: I begged for a pity freak and I got a husband! I’m so happy! You may want to try that sometime too!
Oh, it’s time for nitey nitey, gonna got suck on arsenic pacifiers now. Talk to you fellow virginal librarians wanting to get laid NOW later, I have lots of great advice to share. See ya soon!
XXX Angela Snowe, Virgin Until Pity Freak and Proud Of It!