Zebra, $7.99, ISBN 978-1-4201-4360-3
Historical Romance, 2019
Firstly, Tempt Me with Diamonds clocks up to only 253 pages, which makes it a pretty poor value for something that costs $7.99.
Secondly, readers who are worried that the author’s heroes were being too nice would surely rejoice to know that the hero of this one, one Rupert Lacey of Douchesville, is back in true, gaping unwashed asshole form. Me, though, I regret being such a genteel person of distinction that it is beneath me to lovingly rip out the pages of this book and use them to line a litter box.
Diana Sommerville and Poobert Lacey once joined genitalia in anticipation of their wedding day, but you know how it is. It didn’t work, and both parties assume that they are wronged by the other person. Then, Diana’s brother died, and he left his share of the family house and everything that comes with it to… you guess it, Poobert. Our heroine has sailed back from South Africa upon hearing of her brother’s death, intent on using the money and properties she has inherited to carve out a life for herself, and here is Poobert in the house that she assumes to be hers. Very well, after learning of her brother’s will, she decides to buy out Poobert’s share of the house, but of course he won’t give up his half so easily, because he’s an asshole.
Oh god, shall I list down the ways I loathe the little turd that is passed off as the hero here?
He dishes out and acts all mean and petty to the people around him, but the moment the heroine dishes back, he immediately warns her to shut it or he will lose his temper.
He cuts her out of the decision making and even undermines her efforts to do anything, but the moment she dares to step out of line, he steps up to her to loom over her, and says things like how he’d love to throttle her.
At the same time, he goes on and on about how much he’d love Diana if she’d be less spirited or something.
Seriously, Poobert can fuck off for all I care.
But this book is instant shredder material when I finally discover the cause of the break-up. Let’s just say that Diana asked some very valid questions about the future of their relationship, and Poobert was like BITCH HOW DARE YOU THINK I CAN’T BE TRUSTED YOU’RE SO DUMPED BITCH BYE. He then spends the next few years whining that she has wounded him. Bitch, please.
Excuse me? This is a guy I’m supposed to be root for? That twatwaffle held a grudge against the heroine for this stupid little snit for six freaking years. What kind of turd bag control freak is this, and why the hell does the author believe that I will root for this loathsome wretch. Hot temper, thin skin, and absolutely unlikable – if the author wants to tempt me, she needs to do better than waving assholes like Poobert at my face.
Adding acid onto my wounds is the narrative style present in this story. There is plenty of abrupt head-hopping here, and the author also breaks the fourth wall quite often – telling me that the hero or heroine is “correct” the moment they come to a conclusion, for example – and the result is a hot mess of a read. Maybe the editor had to beg off halfway to go get drunk – Poobert can do that to a person.
In the end, the best thing about Tempt Me with Diamonds is the fact that it is only 253 pages. Another 100 pages would make this book a hate crime.