Dirty Nothings Publishing, $0.99
Sci-fi Erotica, 2018
Ryock, our hero, is an Argmarath, a race of humanoids who can heal from almost any damage. Of course. We all need to give our heroes a skill that will make him so much more powerful that we can focus on sex and don’t worry that the bad guys will sneak up and stab our hero while he’s busy shagging away. Oh, and the hero is blue. If you are too lazy to write that erotic fanfiction starring yourself and a Na’vi on steroids, the authors have heard your SOS and served up this baby.
Well, that fast healing ability is not going to help him, or so it seems at the beginning of Taming Ryock, as he has been captured by some Crima folks. The bug-like captors of his are experimenting on him by inflicting the very kind of injuries that he likely can’t heal from. At this stage, he’s called Test Subject 731-Q, but let’s just call him Ryock as we read this story because we are horny and Ryock is exactly the kind of name that we horny readers insist our heroes to have. After all, it rhymes with our favorite body part ever. Back to Ryock’s coc… er, story, the Crima scums abduct folks from other planets and races, even species, for all kinds of heinous experiments, and his people turn a blind eye so long as these villains take only the “outcasts” from Argmarath societies for their use. Don’t worry, these experiments leave him unmarked especially in the down there area, so the sex scenes will be assuredly beautiful.
Anyway, then comes Isla, a beautiful woman that is thrown into the cell of a reptilian dude with hooked pee-pee for some breeding experiment. Our hero smells her and goes WOOOOH, breaks free from his bonds, and demands to be given that woman so that he can boink her and officially cement this story as a hot, sexy read. Yay, we horny readers can now cheer as all that pesky plot nuisance is out of the way and we can finally get what we want: non-stop hot alien boink scenes!
The hero notices a few times that the heroine hasn’t bathed in a while – which is, of course odd indeed for a captive of an alien race bent on seeing her get raped to death by reptilian creatures – so now that he has her, he begins licking her clean. Yummy, and I have a craving for a lolly now. He licks away the dirt and oil from her matted hair, and I realize I should have bathed the dog a few days ago. The villains show up now and then to remind me that this story has some semblance of plot here and there, so this is a quality story rather than just scenes of hygiene and mating rituals stringed together for folks whose engines won’t purr unless the other person is blue, green, or red in color with a foot-long tongue and… you know.
Plot? Well, it’s big, the heroine is in trouble and needing rescuing as well as shagging, and the villains are mean, so there you go – plot. Depths? It’s big, so it goes in deep – DEEP, OOH. Characterization? It’s big, what else is there to care about?
Me, I have to go bathe the dog. No wonder I thought something smelled odd these few days!
Loves boys that sparkle, unicorns, money, Lego, chocolates, tasty buffets, video game music, and fantastical stories.