Main cast: Stephen Dorff (Slim), Natasha Henstridge (Karen), Bruce Payne (Lt Macgruder), Steven Berkoff (Surtayne), Clé Bennett (Otis), Karen Cliche (Alex), Steven McCarthy (Frank), and Alain Goulem (Lou Pandelis)
Director: Gérard Pirès
This movie is released under the title Riders in the two or three countries it found distributors for outside of Europe, not that I care. It can be called Toilet and it will still suck. Steal is one of the dumbest heist movies I’ve ever seen, which is saying a lot considering that the people behind this stinker is also behind brainfree time killers like Taxi and its sequels.
Slim leads a gang of misfits who plot and carry out successful bank robberies. Their latest haul involve some bonds worth millions and millions of dollars. Their attempt to cash these attract the attention of local baddie Surtayne who blackmails them to steal for him. Meanwhile, the cops are on Slim’s tail and Slim is caught in a sex triangle between cop Karen and teammate Alex.
Words cannot describe how bad this movie is. Bad acting is universally dished out by everybody on this show (Stephen Dorff’s “acting” in Britney’s music video Everytime is Oscar-worthy by comparison); villains sneer like parodies of Elmer Fudd while the worst lines this side of cheese fly fast and thick. I especially enjoy how Karen, a cop who wants to be “independent” and “prove her worth”, decides to do just that by sleeping with Slim. If only other cops will be this dedicated in providing gratuitous sex scenes in their line of work! Even worse than the acting is the story, which logic is often sacrificed for twists that make no sense. I’d like to give a big, er, thank you to the director for taking pains and wasting ten minutes in a reenactment of how our heroes get away from the cops – a reenactment of a “twist” that I can plot out in my sleep the moment I see the van park over a manhole on the street. How stupid do they think the audience is? Wait, don’t answer.
Of all the things the idiots on this show steal (including my time and money and I am not happy at all), it’s too bad that they can’t steal some brainpower or even better, some clue.
