Liquid Silver Books, $6.99, ISBN 978-1-62210-228-0
Fantasy Romance, 2015
Given that bikers have been transformed into idealized dudes who are basically Chippendale dancers that straddle big bikes, it’s not long before someone decides to do the same with truckers. Traditionally, truckers have been viewed as sex symbols, but we’re talking about a genre in which beer-bellied, thickly muscled, hirsute men smelling of sweat, unwashed socks, and stale beer are celebrated and worshiped in washrooms of truck stops. Not romance, in other words. In romance, such as Soul Tie Seduction, hot truckers are long-haired Chippendale dancers that dry hump the steering wheels of their big trucks.
The unfortunately-named Armen Jettison (no. not a porn star or a Dutch EDM producer!) is a combo of demon, vampire, succubus, and shapeshifter. There is probably some unicorn in there too, but let’s not mention that as it may make Armen seem less like a stereotype and more like a glittering lollipop. Armen is sexy. GODLY sexy. He sucks blood, makes love like a tsunami battering against the basements of thirsty women everywhere, and his penis is ten feet long and a hundred inch around. Oh, and he is also even more special than the current definition of that word because he has a human soul. And when the story opens, as he dines on the blood of a willing female, he senses his Soul Tie.
No, that’s not the name of his lost Marvin Gaye CD collection or his favorite clothing. In this universe, Soul Tie are women who are destined to be able to rein in the inner demon of special well-hung super snowflake hunks like Armen.
You are probably thinking by now that the special heroine’s name must be Crystabella Dawnlark Cullen–Dollanganger. Well, close – it’s Ariella Segreti. Unlike skinny bitches out there, Ariella has curves, the better for fat women like you and me to envision ourselves as her as we sigh and imagine that we are the ones who are being bitten, shagged, and worshiped by a hot phallic-shaped kitchen sink of special snowflake hero clichés. Surprise, Ariella’s mother is hateful, other women other than her BFF are all bitches, et cetera. Ariella may hold on to her hateful ex because she feels that no one else would love a big-breasted big-arsed woman like her, but oh, her self-esteem and existence would be validated at long last when Armen shows up to ask her to sit in his truck and take hold of the gear stick.
The bulk of this story sees Armen assuring the teary-eyed, needy, and desperate Ariella that she is deserving of love and worthy to be cherished and protected. It’s all sweet if you go for fantasies where a guy treats you like a five year old child while at the same time expecting you to put out every night. Then some demons show up to allow Armen and the Buy My Story Next brotherhood of sequel baits to puff their out chests and do their “Magic Mike Care Bears… Rainbow Beam Attack!” thing, and Ariella can now live orgasmically happily ever after with her boyfriend, protector, and whatever.
If you like stories that resemble fanfiction of things written by Sherrilyn Kenyon, Christine Feehan, and the like, then hey, be my guest and get “soul tie’d” by this silly little thing. The author seems earnest here, and I guess she should get some credit for showing some restraint and keeping the sequel bait squad away from the story until later. But if you get hives from Mary Sue overload in your stories, you may want to get some ointment ready before you read this one.