Main cast: Carlos Etchevers (Nacho), Flor Dragonetti (Ana), and Juan Manuel Martino (Sebastián)
Director: Marcelo Briem Stamm
Somos Tr3s, or We Are Thr3e, is a romantic drama with a polyamory focus. The movie is in Spanish, so you have to rely on subtitles, like myself, if you don’t understand the language. Not that it matters, as there is nothing deep or exploratory here. It’s just a simple, shallow love story.
Nacho, an accountant who plays it safe, meets Ana, a divorcée who is looking for a new start, at a party and they are getting along well when the bartender, Sebastián, joins their conversation and flirts with the both of them. That’s fine with Nacho, as he is starting to accept that he’s bisexual, and he’s making baby steps to embrace this side of him. Before long, Sebastián invites them both to this nice big house that a friend lets him stay in, and these three spend a weekend playing choo-choo train. When Monday comes, it’s back to normalcy… right? Sebastián believes that he has found the two people he have want to spend the rest of his life with, while Nacho believes that polyamory will never be accepted by their society. Ana agrees with Nacho, but she is attracted to both men and finds herself missing the man whom she’s not with at the moment.
This relationship is an idealized one. Polyamory is portrayed as an uxorious wonderland, with the only genuine conflict being that the bed isn’t big enough to fit three people once everyone in the threesome decides to embrace it head on. No jealousy, no one feeling left out, none of that, because, as Sebastián puts it, Ana gets a perfect combination of a man in both him and Nacho: safety and security from Nacho, and excitement and novelty from him. With Sebastián, Nacho can head down to brown town more often, so it’s win-win too. Don’t ask me what Sebastián gets from the threesome – he’s more of a plot device to bring them all together. He believes in polyamory, it’s love at first sight when he meets Ana and Nacho, and that’s it. His feelings are static, his character never develops, he is just that hot guy that lets Nacho and Ana plug and play all day.
Does it matter, though, that Sebastián is a plot device? Look at him! Juan Manuel Martino is hot, hot, hot, with his muscles and, most importantly, his willingness to bare all on screen. His pride and joy is a hefty chunk of meat indeed – he probably fluffed himself earlier, who knows, and if you are blind enough to miss it, he gives it a tug to make sure that you will see his glory and exhale a shaky hallelujah. Between this and Taekwondo, Mr Martino is proving that he isn’t shy at all with what he is blessed with – in fact, he wants everyone to look at it and make the sign of the cross. For he shall raise us up, and we shall live in its sight, amen.
Where was I? Oh yes, this movie. It’s a simple story of boy meets girl meets boy, the conflicts feel stilted and artificial, the dialogues are unbelievably cheesy, and the whole thing feels like an excuse to have the cast get naked and hump one another. I don’t think I’m the only one who thinks that there’s nothing wrong with that, especially when it allows me to marvel at a certain prodigious anatomy of Mr Martino. His rear end isn’t bad either. Movies like Somos Tr3s are made to allow us to appreciate artistic films to the fullest, and since this is in Spanish, it’s not like anyone can accuse us of watching smut. Everybody wins!