UNAN1MOUS

Season 1 Episode 2

"Tino thought getting a new SUV would add to his sex appeal. I argued that he didn't need to spend thousands of dollars to get noticed. His great smile and attitude, not to mention his hot bod, cool tats and a dick that stretches out strong and firm in front of him are what's getting him noticed. Oh, and don't forget about that round bubble-butt. Who could resist burying a face in that?"

I am treated with photos of Jonathan in what seems like an act of striptease before the SUV. The tattoos on Tino's right upper arm matches the tattoos on Jonathan's right upper arm so yup, Tino is definitely Jonathan. And judging from that photo of him holding that buddy of his that supposedly "stretches out strong and firm", I think you people aren't missing out on a lot if you don't know where to look for his naked photos.

Back to this show, I'm starting to believe that everything is fake and staged but I'm not complaining because I'm enjoying every sadistic minute of this show. Previously, the Herd was last seen at the Inner Circle without coming to an unanimous decision as to who should receive the $1,500,000. Because of this, our host JD has three secrets of the Herd revealed. One's spent time in a mental ward, one's been arrested for possession of live ammo, and one has tried to file for bankruptcy when she still had assets worth $100,000. The Herds do not whose secrets are whose, although the show reveals that Richard is the one with a history of mental illness, Tarah is the one who loves her live ammo too much, and our charming minister Kelly is the cheating scumbag.

Now the Herd will decide whose secret is the one they feel the worst of the three. The mental headcase is understandably deemed the most unnerving of the three. You don't want to stay in the Bunker with someone who could go crazy on you, after all. But since they all know that the person voted to be ineligible for the money will remain in the Bunker, is it wise to agitate a mental headcase by making sure that he couldn't get his hands on the money? These people can be twits sometimes, I tell you. JD reveals that Richard is the person with a history of spending time in a mental ward. JD calls Richard an "outcast" but tells him that he's still voting at the Inner Circle. So now those people who have openly told him that they find him crazy will have to still be on good terms with him. JD then tells Richard to wear this horrible jumpsuit with a big X on the shoulders for the rest of the Bunker season, calling the jumpsuit the "outcast uniform". Ha ha ha, that's so humiliating! It's as if being announced on TV as a mental headcase isn't bad enough, he has to wear something to make him remember always that everyone knows he's a mental headcase.

The other Herds all try to look remorseful but Jonathan is openly smirking before he buries his face in his hands. Kelly announces that what Richard has to do is "low" and Vanessa echoes her sentiments. Richard however says that he's fine with the situation, calling the outcast uniform his "badge of honor". If that makes him feel good, maybe mental wards everywhere should give their patients similar jumpsuits upon their release! Some people wonder why Richard doesn't walk out there and then. I don't know. I do know, though, that if I'm Richard, I'd personally stay in the Bunker out of spite, drive everyone crazy by being deliberately insane such as leaving the toilet unflushed after use or something, and when everyone has gone bonkers, and sabotage the unanimous vote so that nobody will get any money at the end of the day. What have I to lose if I do that, right?

Richard now glowers at the camera in his alone time and tells the camera that he wants to reach in and grab somebody's neck to choke. He complains that he is so frustrated by this turn of events since he has no job and he needs the money. He then dramatically addresses the camera (which probably isn't even functional, heh) on the wall, saying that they should have just given him a bottle of poison before concluding that there is no amount of money that is worth what he is going through. He tells the camera to leave him alone. For Richard's sake, I hope this show isn't fake because if that is the case, Richard has no excuse for this scene, which is very hilariously stilted and stagy, other than he's a bad actor indeed.

Outside in the living room, Vanessa says that "it" is not fair that Richard has to wear the jumpsuit after having his secret exposed on TV to all and sundry. This leads to the others agreeing that the show is not "fun". To them, perhaps, but I'm enjoying every minute of these fools' torment. Hey, JD, can we add in the sarin gas now? Kelly announces to the camera how her God has no problems with her trying to fudge about her finances but her Jesus however disapproves of being part of this show. I suppose she feels that her public image with her future congregation members will be ruined or something. Since she's already been outed as a con, I don't know why she even bothers trying to pretend that she's better than everyone else. It's not as if she mistook this show for some TV Evangelist Idol event when she signed up for it. Kelly asks for confirmation about the prize money being slashed in half should she leave and Jonathan confirms it. I'm tempted to add "with the wagging of his little buddy" but I've seen those pictures of his and I think I'm now off boiled eggs for breakfast for the time being. Seriously, Tino here shaves everything and his body is on the shapeless Play-Doh side so I can only shudder when he squeezes his chubby at the camera. He looks much better when he has lost most of his steroidal beefcake chunky mass by the time he ended up on this show.

Richard hilariously puts on his shades and walks out to rejoin the others in the living room, looking like he's just won the Stud of the Year award, and exchanges a hand-clap thingie with Steve before sitting down and telling the others that he's alright but he's also mad. He is mad at the show, though, he is careful to say, although why he bothers I have no idea. He explains that he was drunk and depressed when he ended up in the mental ward. Adam says that in the end seven of them would be outcasts anyway and Jamie takes it from there, saying that they can avoid that by unanimously giving someone the money. Somehow, this snowballs into a bizarre decision to award someone the money so that they can all walk out of the Bunker as soon as possible. Adam is on to something when he tells the camera that he's sure that some of the Herd members are actually afraid to have their secrets revealed on the show.

The next day, the Herd members are ordered by the anonymous female announcer to wake up ("Your sleep time has expired!"). Kelly complains about the Bunker, whatever, while Jonathan openly pretends that his actually puny wee-wee is hurting him as he tries to tighten the waist of his shorts. He reminds the camera that he has lied about having testicular cancer in order to get sympathy votes and he thinks that he has people buying his story. Boy, they will feel even more sorry for him when they catch sight of his little buddy, maybe even console him by reassuring him that he won't miss it when the doctors remove the whole equipment since it is barely there in the first place.

The Herd is ordered to go to the Inner Circle. JD comes on to the monitor and announces that Vanessa has been elected to be the leader of a discussion on who to vote unanimously for. She will pick the person she feels most deserving of the money and this person will be isolated in a booth that JD dramatically calls "a soundproof Isolation Room" (I think JD reads way too many kiddie science-fiction books in his free time) so that the others can discuss this person freely. She chooses Steve because, as she tells the camera, she wants to "invalidate" whether Steve is really "deserving" of the money. Vanessa, honey, there is no "deserving" in a competition. Everyone should want to win the money. And how on earth can one "invalidate" a deserving winner with other people? Steve gets to blubber to his wife in the Isolation Room while the remaining Herd members start a contest to see who can outdo the other person in being magnanimous and perfect human beings by reassuring themselves and everyone else that Steve apparently reeks of goodness, great character, good personality, and more. I can believe that Steve reeks, but I doubt that fat slob reeks of what they say he is reeking of. The discussion turns into an inadvertent slam on Steve's intelligence when the remaining Herd members start insisting to each other that Steve surely doesn't have the ability to lie to them. I am not sure how much I love these people would rather be seen on TV as perfect human beings instead of trying to get the money for themselves. Where are the backbiting? The fights? The strategy? It will be really boring if that lazy fat-ass Steve gets the money just because a bunch of twits decide that he is "nice".

When Steve rejoins them, Vanessa asks him whether he has done anything to make him undeserving of the money. I think Vanessa should wear a jumpsuit with "Moron" branded across the chest for the rest of the season. Steve of course says that he's a perfect husband, father, and all, coming off like a complete slimy braggart pretending to be humble but failing, but of course he can't be like that since he's supposed to nice and perfect like he and the Herd insist that he is. Everyone promises and swears to vote for Steve and they even hold hands on it.

At the Inner Circle, the voting takes place. Steve, Steve, Steve, Steve, Steve, Steve... Vanessa. Kelly jumps up and shrieks until she is reminded that Steve could have voted for Vanessa since he can't vote for himself. The last vote however is for Adam. That stops Steve's tears. He is starting to talk about making his children and his in-laws (but never himself, of course) happy but now he says that he is so frustrated about how close he is to winning the money. Bwahahaha, of course he is, that annoying self-aggrandizing tub of blubber!

JD announces that because this time again no unanimous vote is reached, there will be more repercussions. This time, a dollar will be deducted from the $1,500,000 for every second that passes from this very moment. If you do the math, that means the money will run out in slightly more than seventeen days, heh. He leaves the Herd to discuss matters. The Herd members all insist that they voted for Steve but Jonathan reveals to the camera that he deliberately screws up the vote just to "let the games begin". I hate to say this but I could have given him a kiss for not turning this show into another America's Tribal Council. I really dislike all those fat and lazy white trash slobs coming on to reality TV shows tooting their horns about how deserving they are to be rich and famous being they are supposedly hardworking people and therefore they expect the money to be handed to them just like that.

Kelly now wants to leave. Adam insists that Kelly stays because Kelly will be "cutting" Steve's "prize money in half". And that will be selfish, see, since Adam clearly doesn't want the money? Steve says that Kelly walking out and slashing the prize money to half will be so unfair on the winner. When Steve says "winner", clearly he is thinking of himself as the winner. Ass. This show ends on a cliffhanger about Kelly's decision. Stay tuned, folks.

Before YouTube, recapping music videos is totally a thing and not a waste of time. Really..

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