Before YouTube, recapping music videos is totally a thing and not a waste of time. Really..
Season 1 Episode 5
Where we last left the Herd, Steve has been cast out and he was given a mysterious box that he was about to open when the credits rolled. We were down to $642,464. When Steve opens the box, Jonthan tells the camera that the Bunker is going to blow up like a dynamite. If only I'm that lucky, because in the box is a rather anticlimatic message telling Steve that he can also make one of the remaining Herds a fellow Outcast. Adam gleefully tells the camera that this development "adds a dynamic" that none of them have "figured into the puzzle". Adam is the kind of person that uses many words to say gibberish. He adds that everyone is "shitting a brick" praying that Steve won't choose them. Steve says that he "immediately" looks at Vanessa but apparently he can't see what he wants to see in Vanessa's eyes, which is rubbish because his mind is clearly made up at that point to take out Vanessa. Tarah, in the meantime, tries to put up enough of a facade to let Steve believe that she's quite remorseful about Steve's fate without completely alienating him. She tells the camera that she's actually shaking inside. Jonathan hopes to the camera that Steve doesn't know that it is he who changed the vote for Steve at the second Inner Circle.
Steve predictably chooses to take out Vanessa, prompting Richard, who seems to be always the last to know, to go in shock, "Oh my God!" Adam tells the camera that the "whole table's mouth dropped" and says to the camera to an imaginary Vanessa, "Welcome to the Outcast club!" I don't know why he is acting like he is the mastermind behind things. He's not, he's just obnoxiously gloating when he has zero gameplay. Once after he is an Outcast does he start mouthing empty lines to sound like some know-it-all and he's being so obnoxious in the process, ugh. I also don't understand why he has a grudge against Vanessa when it seems that Vanessa has a grudge against Jonathan rather than Adam. I wonder whether Jonathan is playing Adam as much as he is playing that moron Steve.
Steve repeats to the camera that Adam told him that Adam "knew for a fact" Vanessa stabbed him in the back, blah blah blah, but of course, Adam didn't tell him as much as he just let Steve believe that Vanessa was the one who lied to Steve. Seriously, if Steve is on Survivor, he'd be that asshole loudmouth Rupert "Hagrid" Boneham - birdbrained nitwits with huge sense of self-entitlement, the two of them.
JD dismisses the Herd and the Herd sulk off. Vanessa tells the camera that she is angry at Steve because Steve has been played by "someone" and that "someone" therefore has managed to take both Steve and Vanessa, the "threats" on this game according to her, out at one fell stroke. Steve now sits with Jameson, Tarah, and Vanessa and self-righteously talks about how once "you" exile someone, "you" now have to curry the favor of the exiled one, blah blah, it is hard to be betrayed, wah wah wah. This is all pure nonsense deliberately said to get the other three to grovel and beg Steve for forgiveness, but the other three are not biting the bait that Steve is throwing out. Perhaps figuring that she has nothing to lose, Vanessa tells Steve that he hasn't been thinking carefully when he took her out but Steve is of course confident in his belief that Vanessa is the root of all evil in Steve's very narrow world. Steve finally leaves in a self-righteous huff, saying that he has been lied to. Vanessa insists that she has never lied to him but Steve leaves anywhere. Tarah is all sympathy and cheesecakes when Steve is around but once he has left, she turns and tells the other two that Steve is a bleeped expletive.
Now Steve proceeds to the four men where he demands to know from Richard what Tarah and her two alliance members told Richard to do in the Inner Circle. Richard explains that Tarah and Jameson told him to vote for Steve but he tells Steve that since Richard is with the guys, he voted for Vanessa. He tells Steve that Tarah and Jameson are afraid of Steve since he came close to winning. Steve pretty much puffs up with self-importance there and then. He says that he "should have seen" that Jameson and Tarah are playing him for a fool. Well, he still can't clearly see things if you ask me because, let's do the math, shall we? If Adam, Jonathan, and Richard voted with Steve for Tarah to be the Outcast like Steve believed, that means Tarah, Jameson, and Vanessa must have voted for Steve. Which is of course impossible since Steve had the majority vote. Therefore at least one of Steve's allies clearly aren't with him like he'd like to believe. And here that big fat stupid turd is, going, "Oh! Tarah and Jameson are the bad guys!" like it's some newfound revelation instead of something so obvious. Steve tells the camera that he can't believe that Tarah and Jameson lied to him and played him for a fool. I don't believe this. Does he believe that Vanessa single-handedly cast all the votes that made him an Outcast?
Steve now confronts Tarah with an obnoxiously self-righteous "Why?" He wants Tarah to admit that she and Jameson told Richard to vote for him. Tarah tries to wiggle her way out while Steve tells the camera that Tarah is the snake all along. That's smart of Steve. Yes, the snake is the obvious enemy rather than one of his guy-buddy allies who clearly has betrayed him. Tarah is saved by the female voice coming on over the speaker to call for another Inner Circle session but she tells the camera that she isn't sure whether she's clearly out of the hotseat.
After gleefully telling them that they have wasted nearly a million dollars in the last few days by not coming to an unanimous decision, JD says that the Herd seems to agree that the winner should be chosen based on "true character". What better way to let them all decide by getting some close friend or family members of the remaining Herd members in the running to lie, er, talk about the virtues of these four people, right?
Jameson's partner Rob comes on the screen to talk about how Jameson is a good and kind man that does wonderful things like using his life savings to pay for the surgery of his sister's dog. I can't imagine how one can actually squander one's life savings on canine surgery unless Jameson's life savings constitute a few thousand dollars. Rob doesn't know how ridiculous he is when he says that Jameson is the source of all the wonderful things in this world. Wow, I never know Jameson is that powerful! Jameson starts crying because he has never seen Rob in, er, five days and it is clearly killing the poor guy. I tell you, put these people on Survivor or Big Brother and they would all drink poisoned Kool-Aid by the tenth day.
Richard's father says that Richard is a good friend to all his imaginary buddies and Richard is always there for them. Well, it's not like he can go places in that padded cell after all, heh. Apparently Richard will fix up their house or something if the man gets the money.
Shanna, Tarah's sister, comes on to talk about how Tarah is "totally broke" but she still once gave some street bum a meal. That is why Tarah is so kind and wonderful and therefore she deserves the money!
Jonathan's twin sister, who looks as creepy as he is (maybe they share the same plastic surgeon), says that some people have a lot of money but no character but Jonathan's character is apparently "intact". Is she trying to say that Jonathan has no money but plenty of character? She then talks about how when she was unemployed Jonathan would leave $20 every day for her to spend. She says that no brothers would do that for their sisters, which only proves that she really has a weird concept of what constitutes a supportive brother-sister relationship since a helpful brother would spare some cash for a sister in need. Besides, Jonathan is busy making money by showing his wee-wee online on naughty adult sites so of course he is raking in some dough.
Steve and Adam immediately go, oh, Jonathan is so honorable, conveniently overlooking in their Three Stooges that Jamie's sister said that Jamie did pretty much the same thing to a fellow in need. In fact, one can argue that Jamie, by helping a complete stranger rather than a twin sister, may actually score more points in the brownie karma point contest. Jonathan tells the camera that some people talk about how sincere his sister was so he's sure that the tape helps him considerably in swinging the game his way. Eh, I wish I hadn't used the word "swinging" in the same sentence as Jonathan because his hairless naked body in those photos are really not the nicest things to see, ugh. Trust me, folks, he looks so much better on the show since he has clearly worked on adding some shape to his physique now. In those photos, he's pretty much a steroidal gunk of meat.
Now comes a most comedic moment where Richard paces around while the Three Stooges, clearly at one side of a transparent see-through pane, just stand there and watch as the Charlie's Angels sit on the couches at the other side of the pane. Jonathan tells Richard to go talk to Charlie's Angels and find out what they are up to. Clearly when Richard wanders away from the Three Stooges so obviously like that to talk to them, the Estrogen Bridge will of course not suspect a thing, oh no. Jonathan explains to the camera that clearly at this point the voting for an Outcast has become more important than voting for the winner. That's true. Clearly there will never be an unanimous vote until everyone is forced to choose between two people, and this is clearly what the show is trying to do by introducing Outcasts into the game. Steve tells Jonathan in his rare moment of lucidity that the Estrogen Brigade isn't so stupid as to think that Richard isn't up to something and they may even feed him wrong information. Still, Richard decides to go talk to the ladies and Jameson anyway.
Here Richard tells the camera that he isn't the only wild card in this game - Vanessa is another one right now. It seems like Vanessa is becoming estranged from Jameson and Tarah, although this show never makes it clear why she is drifting apart from them or why Jameson and Tarah are stupid enough to believe that, given how the rules of this contest change at will at the time, they can afford to be two people against everyone else in the Bunker. Maybe Vanessa feels that Jameson and Tarah have sold her down the river, I suppose. Richard meanwhile shows his double-dealing side by telling Jameson that the other three men are gunning for Tarah. Jameson tells the camera that the game is "filthy" and "rotten" but he's playing the game nonetheless. How nice for him. Jameson gets reassurance from Richard that Richard is telling the truth. Jameson tells the camera that there is some kind of understanding among everyone here that they all lie to each other. "Let's get over the lying and just keep lying!" he says to the camera. Tarah shows up and Jameson pulls her aside and tells her of this "new information". Tarah animatedly tells the camera that Jameson tells her that they need to bring back Vanessa to their fold if they want to save Tarah.
Meanwhile, Richard tells them that Charlie's Angels didn't tell him anything - they just wanted him to confirm that he is on the side. He assures Steve that he is, of course, on the Stooges' side and Steve warns him that he has better not be lying to the Stooges. Vanessa tells the camera that it's down to three versus three (she's putting Richard on the side of the Charlie's Angels) and whoo-pee, look who's suddenly approached by both sides! She thinks the whole situation is "rather amusing".
Jameson and Tarah approach Vanessa privately and Jameson tells her that she has no reason to trust them but they are asking her to please vote for Jonathan to be an Outcast. Still, he generously says that he will understand if she chooses not to do so. He should be, since he's offering Vanessa nothing in return for her vote. Vanessa accuses them of "fucking her once" - so she does feel that those two have sold her out, interesting - and Jameson agrees that they have. He now tries to appeal to her by saying that they are only trying to play the game. Vanessa says that everyone here is trying to play the game. Still, she tells those two that she understands what they are saying and takes her leave without giving them any concrete answer about her decision. Meanwhile, Richard is seen trying to spy on those three through the pane. Vanessa calmly walks past the Three Stooges who look at her ominously without giving them any glance. She tells the camera that she is "mad" at Tarah for "screwing" her but she nonetheless appreciates that she played a good game. That's a nice philosophy - I wish those moron Jury members on Survivor would feel this way too. Dang it, I really want to know how exactly did Jameson and Tarah screw Vanessa over.
Tarah now approaches Richard and asks him whether he is selling her out. Ah, so she's worried about getting a dose of her own medicine, eh? Richard tells her the deal is simply this: he's with her and Jameson as long as Vanessa agrees to go along with them and target Jonathan. Otherwise, he's not going to jeopardize his own standing with the Three Stooges and he will vote for Tarah as a result. Meanwhile, Jonathan is trying to get Vanessa to agree that the money should go to the best player but is stymied in the attempt when Vanessa tells him that Tarah is the best player, heh. Jameson tells the camera that hello, he's the best player and he's also the one with the "best character" since that is already proven by the video. What, the one where he was dancing naked in front of the SUV? Oh, he means the video of his creepy twin sister? Memo, Tino: that proves nothing other than she uses the same plastic surgeon as he does. He merely tells Vanessa that "the facts" will be revealed about who the best player is and Vanessa just goes, "Of course! Of course!" Oh, Jonathan, why let your modesty prevent you from screaming at Vanessa's face that you think you're the best player in the Bunker?
Steve now announces to the camera that he used to be gullible but he doesn't believe anyone anymore. Halfway through, he pauses and glances sideways, maybe to double-check the teleprompter, heh. This show is so fake at times, it's a good thing that I am so entertained by this train wreck that I don't really care whether it's a real unscripted show or not.
Burger King montage time. Again, it's the "If I Had My Way" thing. Jameson wants to leave and find a burger waiting for him at the other end. Poor Rob, he will be disappointed to learn that a Whopper means more to Jameson. Jonathan talks about rebuying his family home that hasn't been sold yet. Don't ask. Steve gets a good line when he says that he'd like to go home and get this show to mail him the check instead of having to play the game.
Inner Circle time. After taunting them about their lack of agreement, JD asks for the votes to be cast. The first three votes go to Jonathan but because Tarah and Jameson will be voting for each other, there's no suspense here. There is no unanimous vote and the money keeps going down. And now, the Outcast selection. JD most cruelly destroys all the strategizing that went on in the last fifteen minutes by announcing that the Outcasts - Adam, Steve, and Vanessa, will be the ones who will be determining the next Outcast this time. You can see Adam gloating happily the moment JD announces this twist. Each will pick one to remain in the competition, which means the one person left unpicked at the end will be the next Outcast. Ooh, this show is so naughty, I love it.
Steve picks Richard to return to the game. Adam picks Jonathan and then says that he will not "explain his explanation" for his action. Um, Adam, honey, nobody asks you to so shut up, okay? Jameson and Tarah are worried since they have crossed all the Outcasts. How like this evil show to make Vanessa choose between Tarah and Jameson. Vanessa tries to control her glee as she deliberates who to save. Her decision will be revealed in the next episode.