THE AMAZING RACE

Season 9 Episode 3: I Am in Russia, Playing with the Dolls

The show opens with cows frowning at the camera. Philo "Quando, Quando, Philo" Koughie explains that he's at the Primaverra Da Serra,a house in an old coffee plantation, which was the Pit Stop of the previous leg of the Race and the starting point of this leg of the Race. For some reason, this show believes that I am invested in the so-called relationship between the Freaky Fratboys and the Pink Poodles because Philo tells me that at the Pit Stop, those two Teams have paired up. While the Freaky Fratboys - who, let's face it, aren't really fratboys because you have to actually gone to college in other to join a fraternity - tell the camera about how they "hooked up" with the Pink Poodles "right away" and how they apparently "talked about naughty things" with the Pink Poodles - as if I can expect them to talk about intellectual things or even witty things, snort - the clips instead show me Eric trying to sneak a peek at Danielle's ass causing her to whack his hand away and Jeremy and Dani walking side by side like the most convincing couple ever to walk the earth since Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman. Oh yes, I'm so sorry that I never cared about those two Teams until now. In other news, the "Oh, Can The FranBerries Survive Another Leg?" bus is still on the move. I like the senior citizen Teams so much better when they aren't specifically cast for "Let's see when they will finally die!" moments on the Race. It is excruciating to watch Gretchen and Meredith moan and groan in every episode back in the seventh season and I am really not up to having another deathwatch this season.

Anyway, 4:48 am. The BoHo Boys came in first in the previous leg of the Race, so they get to hoo-hoo and woo-hoo their way out of Primaverra Da Serra first. Their clue tells them to travel some three miles to an unnamed farm where they have to take a 300-ft zipline before they receive their next clue. Hmm, do Brazillian farms have ziplines or is this something artifically set up to induce some kicks in this episode? Maybe those farmers love to scare the cows by zipping right into a slumbering herd every morning while screaming "Die, cows, die!" or something. Anyway, as those two leave in their vehicle, Tyler tells the camera that the BoHo Boys are not just "the happy-go-lucky crazy hippies running around naked all the time". They're more than that, they're... um, two people trying very hard to convince everybody that they are happy-go-lucky crazy hippies running around naked all the time? Attention-starved famewhores who have stumbled onto this show as their latest outlet to garner attention when their previous public displays don't get them the attention and fame they think they deserve? The BoHo Boys leave for Highway 225 as per the directions in the clue. We don't want anybody getting lost on this show, after all, hence the specific directions in the clue.

5:01 am. The Freaky Fratboys read their clue and also reveal that each Team gets $307 for this leg of the Race. For some reason, the amount of money they receive cracks up our resident Neanderthals. Maybe these two twits cannot count and somehow think that they receive $69 for this leg of the Race. They leave in their vehicle, which the grosser of the two, Eric, says should be named "Danielle #3" because of how well it functions. Yes, keep saying things like that and I may just believe that they scored with the Pink Poodles at the Pit Stop. That's what he wants the world to believe, no? Eric tells the camera that they have fun with the Pink Poodles at the Pit Stop - yeah, yeah, keep saying that and I'll believe it one day - but when it comes to the Race, the Freaky Fratboys are thinking solely about themselves, just like how one day, fifty years down the road, they will realize that after failing to be entertaining human beings for so long, the only people who find them adorable are each other and they may as well hook up and isolate themselves from the human gene pool.

5:18 am. The MoJos leave, with Monica telling the camera how exciting it is for her to realize that Joseph can be this calm guy on the Race. I know! After watching the Porno Alliance desperately shoving their shtick down my throats, I am starting to find this calm and rational Joseph a major hottie as well. The Porno Alliance may just be the thing to convince the dating and the hesitating couples on this Race that they are actually right for each other after all!

5:28 am. Cool As Geek is officially in the Race and they give this speech about how they feel so excited to be traveling around and seeing the world given that they rarely leave their comfort zones back home. Yeah, they know how geeky they are and they want everyone to know it, but I don't mind watching them even if they come off as more and more rehearsed whenever they get screentime.

Ahead, the Porno Alliance reach this unnamed farm (with "Super!" and other bizarre exclamations coming from the BoHo Boys' mouths - they are inflicted with a G-rated version of Tourette Syndrome) and learn that the farm is open for business only at 7:00 am. There goes my hope that the exciting first episode of this season with its delightful lack of artifical bunchings will be a fair representation of what this season is going to be. Hello, season six. The BoHo Boys arrive at this farm first and they hide in the bushes to surprise the Freaky Fratboys just like I expect them to. They want their own TV show after all and perhaps someone watching this show will give them one like someone gave Drew and Kevin from season one their own TV show. The MoJos turn up next but the BoHo Boys ignore them. They are probably turned off by the MoJos' lack of dramatics. What dull people, those MoJos! But the BoHo Boys run out and climb all over Cool As Geek's vehicle when that Team shows up. Shtick gravitates to its own kind, after all.

6:31 am. The Telcoms are off. Ray gives this predictable confessional where he says that the Race is an opportunity to know Yolanda better, one that he will never find again. I don't know. A few dates seem like a more practical way to know Yolanda better if you ask me. Of course, those few dates don't have a possible million dollar bonanza to come along with them. Maybe that's what Ray means about an opportunity of a lifetime.

6:32 am. The Meninas Do Gilmore are out of the gate. As Wanda hopes that her stomach is strong enough for the zipline event, Desiree tells the camera that her mother can really overreact in times of stress and it's her responsibility to keep Wanda calm. It's nothing I've never heard before from them, and the more I hear it, the more I feel for Wanda. It's hard to play the role of a patient saint, especially in the Race.

It's now 8:00 am and the farm is open for business. As the four Teams head over to the zipline site, one of the BoHo Boys starts singing, "I don't know but I've been told!" only to realize that he has nothing to follow up that with and ends up muttering something about ziplines. That's hilarious, I tell you, although not in the way they'd like it to be.

7:06 am. The LaMichies take off. Lake tells the camera that Michelle is starting to "see" the Race like he "sees" the Race since the first leg. Apparently he's referring to Michelle apparently wanting to play safe and take everything slow and steady. To demonstrate the Team's newfound perspective for the reckless and the crazy, Lake goes "Wooh!" as he gets his vehicle flying over a pothole. Boy, that's an impressive stunt. I wonder whether Lake has the guts to speed over a bump! Michelle tells Lane that he has just "killed" her "ass". So much for playing things safe.

7:07 am. The Pink Poodles are ready to leave. Dani says that they're playing the Race with their hearts first and bodies second. Boobs third, according to Danielle. That is what happens when impressionable blondes watch too many episodes of Sailormoon.

Armed with a newfound bravado and a spirit of adventurousness like never before, Lake and Michelle proceed to get very lost indeed. Ahead, the BoHo Boys are the first to go down the zip line, screaming "Banzai!" and all. They get their clue telling them to fly to Moscow, a trip of some 7,300 miles, and in Moscow, they have to locate the Olympics sports training facility, the Chaika Bassein. A sports training facility? How disappointing. Can't these Teams visit some monuments of the Cold War, like maybe an old nuclear site where the Porno Alliance can blow themselves up while clowning around by humping a missile? Anyone, in keeping to the show's policy of keeping things very simple so that a glaze of utter boredom will overcome me, the Teams are told to drive to the Brotas bus station and take one of three available charter buses back to São Paolo. It looks like the show has decided to do away with transportation drama, one element of the show that always makes things interesting, along with anything else that makes the Race interesting. I think the people behind the Race have gone officially bonkers. Oh yes, back to the BoHo Boys. They actually butt heads after reading the clue, saying "T-Tow!" to each other. They then explain to the camera that "T-Tow!" is their power word. Good heavens, the BoHo Boys are actually wearing T-shirts with "T-Tow!" on the front at that moment! Someone please tell these two men that when they have to explain their shtick to the camera as well as to come prepared with their shtick-related merchandise that they hope to sell after the show, they come off as really desperate beyond belief in a distastefully calculated manner.

The Freaky Fratboys go down the zipline now. This may be a zipline event but it takes place in a farm so it's not exactly the most exciting thing to watch or recap. The MoJos go along the zipline next. Then Cool As Geek. Are we all breathless with excitement yet, people? As the four Teams leave for the Brotas bus station, the Telcoms show up at the farm. In their vehicle, Monica asks Joseph about their "race pack" and he hands it to her, telling her to return it to him when she's done. Hmm, is this some sort of foreshadowing that they will lose that race pack? As the Pink Poodles approach the farm, the LaMichies are still trying to figure out where they are. Lake actually stops the car and climbs up the roof to stand and survey the scenery until Michelle tells him in exasperation to climb down. They argue as they get back into the car and Lake resumes driving, until Lake tells her, "If you don't shut up, I'll..." Call me crazy but I really don't mind Lake at all even if this show is amping up all their drama moments to turn the LaMichies into the obligatory antagonistic couple every season must apparently have. Sure, Lake is bossy and has the tendency to do all kinds of wrong things in the heat of the moment, but I have yet to see him pull any stunt that puts him at the level of those Really Bad Significant Others of previous season. Maybe when he starts browbeating her non-stop, I'll reverse my opinion of them. As of now, they seem like a normal couple to me and I feel somewhat irritated that the show seems very determined to turn Lake into a Bad Husband/Boyfriend character.

It is 8:24 am when the FranBerries finally get to begin their Race. One look at these two and I am already shuddering in pain. Fran says to the camera that they are not pleased at being the last Team but they intend to give their all to this Race. That's the problem - they say they give their all but at the end of the day, they still struggle and complain until I feel like asking someone to pull the plug on them and end their misery along with mine.

A nervous Yolanda is encouraged by Ray to go down the zipline and when she does, he's all smiles. The Meninas Do Gilmore follow after the Telcoms, with Wanda hollering all the way down. Ahead, at the Brotas bus station, the four Teams at the head of the pack get seats on a 9:15 am bus. This show used to be more exciting when Teams are allowed to actually try to get tickets on their own, I tell you. The Pink Poodles reach the farm and there they go down the zipline. Wow. When they leave the farm, the LaMichies show up in time to say goodbye to them. When the Telcoms and the Meninas Do Gilmore reach the Brotas bus station, they get the seats on the 10:00 am bus. The LaMichies go down the zipline now. When they learn that they're going to Russia, Lake says, "Dangummit!" (or something). Michelle tells him to shut up because Russia will be fine. In their vehicle, Lake complains that Russia will be cold. He doesn't like cold, that Lake. With his bluster and hot air, I'm not surprised that he prefers hotter climates.

The Pink Poodles show up at the Brotas bus station where they get tickets for the 10:00 am bus. Since their buses aren't leaving yet, the Freaky Fratboys meet up with the Pink Poodles where Eric takes advantage of the cameras being on him to paw Dani. If you care to remember, in the beginning of this episode Eric is supposed to be paired with Danielle, so Eric pawing Dani now makes the whole "pairing" as suggested by the show even more sleazy. As much as I'm exhausted by the incessantly high-octane antics of the BoHo Boys, I think I'd rather be stuck in an elevator with them for ten hours than to be even near the Freaky Fratboys because they, especially Eric, really come off as really disgusting tools. Back to the Pink Poodles, Dani tells the camera, "Danielle and I spent time with Jeremy and Eric at the last Pit Stop and, you know, we got to know the boys a lot better." Says Danielle, "They made our time there a lot more fun, like, I really have to say I enjoyed my time at the Pit Stop." I tell you, I'm waiting in bated breath to hear more about the two Teams. Back at the farm, the FranBerries complete the zipline without losing any body parts. I'm sure they whine quite a lot about being eliminated though.

At 9:15 am, the first bus leaves, leaving behind the Teams that are blessedly free from drama for me to enjoy watching for a little while. Okay, maybe not "blessedly free" from drama, since the LaMichies are having problems finding their way to Brotas. Lake, who's driving, asks Michelle to reread the clue to him again. She responds by saying that she'd punch his teeth in because the clue will always say the same thing no matter how many times she reread that danged thing to him. He actually smiles as he tells her not to be "ugly" because they haven't been "ugly" to each other in this Race. She tells him, in a tone that is actually free from heat, that he was quite "ugly" with her back at this moment. When they get to the bus station at last, they too find themselves on the 10:00 am. Michelle realizes that she has left the race pack in their vehicle and she has to go back to the parking lot to retrieve it. Lake reasonably asks her not to take the pack off to which she tells him that they are not going to argue over something "silly". It's silly to Michelle because she hasn't lost the bag, she just forgot to take it along with her. Hmm, it's all semantics if you ask me. Lake tells her, "Can we agree - listen - just don't take it off?" Michelle snaps back, "Can we agree for you to hush?" Lake responds, "Michelle, don't be a bitch now." But the thing is, the entire argument is just that - an argument. I don't find that Lake is being an ass to Michelle, although I feel that Michelle is being a little too defensive here. I think those two talk to each other exactly like that and there is nothing really dysfunctional so far from what I can see in their relationship.

Anyway, at 10:00 am, the second bus leaves. This leaves only the 10:45 am bus for the FranBerries, who once again seem shocked that they are so far behind the other Teams. Shouldn't the fact that they started the Race more than an hour behind the next Team prepare them for this eventuality? Barry moans, "It's going to be hard to catch up!" But he thinks that the Race is not over for them until it's over. That won't stop him or his wife from moaning and groaning about being eliminated though, sigh.

At the São Paolo Airport, the fastest flight to Moscow is on an Lufthansa flight that makes a stop at Frankfurt. It leaves at 12:10 pm and every freaking Team manages to be on that flight. No chance of the excitement from seeing any Team at the back of the pack sneakily overtaking some Teams ahead of them, no airport drama, minimal contact between the Teams and the locals when it comes to finding their way around - can anyone tell me why anyone should watch this pointless version of a Race where it's just following a bunch of Teams moving like a herd of cows from Point A to Point B? At 12:10 pm, the flight takes off. A most exciting thing happens here: the Pink Poodles learn a Russian term that can be used to tell a cab driver to go fast, they share the knowledge with the Freaky Fratboys, and Eric once again takes advantage of the cameras being on them to paw Dani. Okay, no chance of the excitement from seeing any Team at the back of the pack sneakily overtaking some Teams ahead of them, no airport drama, minimal contact between the Teams and the locals when it comes to finding their way around and watching a hideous troll of a stupid minging dumbass pawing women in a most gauche manner - can anyone tell me why anyone should watch this pointless version of a Race where it's just following a bunch of Teams moving like a herd of cows from Point A to Point B when I could have had more fun slathering myself with honey and disturbing a hive of angry bees?

Hello, Moscow. Cold and drab Moscow, the site of a cold and drab episode. Teams get into cabs, with the Freaky Fratboys and the Pink Poodles sharing a cab while the MoJos and Cool As Geek share another cab. The FranBerries on the other hand make swimming strokes with their arms in an attempt to tell their driver to take them to Chaika Bassein, where there are pools for swimming. The driver must be wondering whether these two lunatics are telling him that they are harlequins from America hoping to find a more receptive audience in Moscow. And now, it's time for some humorous and enlightening insights from our funnymen on the show about Moscow. Says Tyler of the BoHo Boys, ""Wow, Russia - it's got a bitter chill that killed Napoleon's troops." I wonder how long it took for him to come up with that line. Monica shares her insightful observation: "All I know is Russian people drink and smoke a whole lot." I miss Kendra and her sociological thesis on Senegalese population issues.

At Chaika Bassein, the BoHo Boys show up first. It's now time for a Roadblock. The clue simply says, "Who wants to take a plunge?" Philo explains that one person from each Team must put on bathing suits - nothing too revealing on the guys, please, because even the hint of penis is banned in America, although female bodies on display is perfectly acceptable in decent and polite company - and dive down into the pool from a height of ten metres. Oh, is this the show's reminder for me to change the channel and watch those divers in the Commonwealth Games instead? Eric and Jeremy or Alexandre Despatie and Arturo Miranda? Oh, what a difficult choice! How can I choose? Anyway, when the person has dived into the pool, he or she must remove a clue from the bottom from those buoy-like thingies floating around the pool. Tyler of He Who Wants To Show Off His Speedos will take this one. Next to show up are the FranBerries and Barry takes it for the Team. The Telcoms show up next and they operate on a 50-50 principle, it seems, because Yolanda will do this Roadblock since Ray did the last. Unfortunately, it is only after she has agreed to do the Roadblock does she remember that she cannot swim. She says that she tends to sink, which, if you ask me, isn't such a bad thing when it comes to diving as opposed to swimming, heh.

Sigh, the only close-up to a hint of a bulge in those boring square-cut swimtrunks is from Tyler. I know, we are all Responsible Viewers of the Race and we are above mortal weaknesses and all, but I am hoping that the editors will at least throw me a bone for suffering through this dull episode by giving me a glimpse of Lake in some skimpy swim trunks. I miss Big Chippo from the third season. Okay, Tyler jumps first, shouting "T-Tow!" again. What is T-Tow anyway? He retrieves the clue and learns that Teams must travel by cab some three miles to the 80-year old Novodevichiy Monastery and locate the Cathedral of the Virgin of Smolensk. Philo doesn't mention this but the Cathedral is the oldest building in the Monastery and was restored by Boris Godunov who would go on to become the Tsar of All Russia. The next clue can be found in the clue stand in main hall of this Cathedral. "Sounds like a date!" Tyler cries as the BoHo Boys take off. I... am so tired.

Next to show up at Chaika Bassein are the LaMichies. Lake wants Michelle to do the Roadblock but she gasps, saying that she may have to perform the Roadblock naked. I don't know what show is watching but I'd love to watch that show where there are naked diving going on. Lake goes, "So what?" but he relents and agrees to do this Roadblock. If you are keeping count, Lake has performed all the Roadblocks so far and if the six-Roadblocks-per-person rule is still enforced, it's not wise to let Lake to do all the trivial Roadblocks like one. Next, the gruesome twosome couples of the Freaky Fratboys and the Pink Poodles show up. Eric and Dani take one for the Teams. Next, MoJo and Cool as Geek show up. Monica and Lori step up to the plate. When the Meninas Do Gilmore show up, Wanda takes the Roadblock.

Barry dives. My shallow instincts thank the editors for not incorporating close-ups of Barry in those swim trunks. He fails to spot the clues attached to the buoys at first, causing Fran to scold him from the poolside about not paying attention when they took up diving lessons in preparation for the Race. They took diving lessons? They should have bought themselves a lifetime supply of anabolic steroids instead. He eventually locates the clue and the FranBerries take off in second place. They should thank their cab driver for getting them here ahead of the other Teams. Now Yolanda gets ready to dive. She is very nervous, however, and she makes the mistake of looking down. Lake and Eric begin to fidget impatiently as they wait for her to jump so that their turns on the diving board will come, but in the end, as the locals in the pool give Yolanda an applause of encouragement, she steels her nerves and takes the plunge. Bravo! The show wants me to wonder whether she will drown by letting the seconds tick while Yolanda doesn't surface after she has hit the water. But of course she won't drown. She gets the clue, Ray and she act like they have conquered Mount Everest - and in a way, she has - and they take off for the Monastery.

Lake dives. Bummer, no close-ups on that fine torso and those shoulders. Eric dives. Neck down, he's not bad in a generic beachdude kind of way. Dani jumps. As the Freaky Fratboys watch the LaMichies leave, they begin to wonder whether they should wait for the Pink Poodles. They decide to cut their losses by finding their own cab and telling the cab driver who took them and the Pink Poodles here to wait for the "girls" with "big boobs". But the Pink Poodles show up soon after before the idiots decide to really abandon ship and the gruesome couples once more share a cab to the Monastery. Ahead, Lake is complaining about having to wear Speedos back at Chaika Bassein. Oh please, from the way he is saying "Speedos", I'd have expect him to have a wardrobe malfunction at least. Are Americans really allergic to the male penis? I suspect that if the FCC have their way, soon TV shows will have only lesbians that never fail to make out in every episode of any TV show while any man that shows up on TV will be covered from head to toe in a burkha extravanganza. Michelle insists that Lake looked fine in those trunks - and I have to agree with that - while Lake insists that he looks "white". I agree with that too. Lake needs to tan more often, preferably in skimpy swim trunks to minimize ugly tan lines. He can do that where I can see him. Lake thinks that Michelle should have done that Roadblock and Michelle gasps in horror at the idea that Lake doesn't mind her parading in a swimsuit in front of "those Russians". Obviously the part where Lake said he didn't care if Michelle had to do the Roadblock naked hasn't registered in her head, along with the possibility that "those Russians" out there won't behave like sex maniacs the moment they see her in that bikini.

Monica and Lori dive without much problems and they soon leave with their Team partners. Wanda is the last to dive, which is bad enough for her Team in terms of catching up with the others, but Wanda has a panic attack once she hits the water and fails to dive down to get the clue. Desiree ends up holding her hand at one point and telling her not to cry, but Wanda cannot be placated. She freaks out in a big way and Desiree, understandably frustrated, tells the camera that she doesn't know how she can calm Wanda down and get Wanda to finish the Roadblock. Desiree is patient but she looks like she wants to cry herself. It isn't easy being the calm and reasonable person when the stress gets to her as well as Wanda, and I can understand perfectly if Desiree isn't strong enough to be that person all the time.

The BoHo Boys manage to locate the Cathedral in the Monastery and as they open the clue stand to get their clue, Tyler chortles, "Time to pay the bills!" It's always Tyler, isn't it? He and Eric really should start a stand-up act together. They will be hilarious, I tell you. I mean, seriously, what on earth does paying the bills have anything to do with their situation? Random exclamations and interjections, Tourette style, are not the same as having wit. Won't someone pass that memo to the BoHo Boys. Those two then make a show about wanting to see the rest of the Cathedral and pause quietly in a very loud display of showboating to "admire" the Cathedral. They, especially Tyler, are on a relentless "Love us! We are hippies! We are FUNNY! And we respect culture!" showboat performance and I don't know how much more of them I can take before I want to scream. They are clearly good at Racing, which means that the whole pointless showboating is even more unfortunate as I will never be able to be rid of them.

It's now time for a Detour. In "Scrub", Philo explains that Teams must head over to a trolley depot and use provided equipment to clean a trolley car in and out - seats, windows, and roof - to the satisfactory of the pretty cute supervisor in order to get their next clue. In "Scour", Teams will head over to a theatre where there are 1,500 nesting dolls on display. The nesting doll is those famous Russian dolls where there's a smaller doll inside each doll until you come to the smallest doll. Out of 1,500 nesting dolls, ten have clues hidden inside them. Teams must locate these clues to move on, obviously. The BoHo Boys think that cleaning the trolley is more straightfoward and decide to do that one.

The FranBerries are the next to reach the Monastery but they show up at the wrong entrance. While they try to locate the correct entrance, the Telcoms and the LaMichies - still bound together, I see, heh - overtake them to the Monastery. Ahead, the Pink Poodles realize that Dani has left their race pack in the changing room back at the Chaika Bassein. Since that race pack contains their clues and passports, the Pink Poodles have to go nack and retrieve it. The Freaky Fratboys are disappointed to see them leave because they will have to snuggle up to the BoHo Boys should the Pink Poodles get eliminated. While the Pink Poodles try to get a cab in order to return to Chaika Bassein, the Freaky Fratboys charge ahead to the Cathedral, where they are joined by the Telcoms and the LaMichies. Lake wants to clean the trolley car because he believes that the dolls can take up too much time but Michelle is once again horrified by Lake's decision. Maybe she's worried that she has to clean the trolley car naked. The Freaky Fratboys and the LaMichies decide to clean while the Telcoms realize that they have passed the theatre mentioned in the clue on their way here so they decide to just play with the dolls. As the Freaky Fratboys realize that their cab driver is not familiar with the address of the trolley depot, the LaMichies see the Telcoms' cab moving and tells his own cab to follow the Telcoms. Shouldn't he at least know where the Telcoms are going before he follows them? Sheesh.

The Pink Poodles finally locate a cab that will take them back to Chaika Bassein, where Wanda is still shrieking that she is going to drown if she attempts one more time to get the clue. As some locals call out encouragement to Wanda, Desiree tells her mother, "You are psyching yourself out! Are you perfectly capable of doing this? Yes, you are." Finally, Wanda holds her breath and goes underwater for the clue, to the applause of the audience who must be wrinkled like prunes by now. Desiree gets a little teary-eyed as she talks about how proud she is of Wanda overcoming her fear of diving. She's too kind. I'd be most likely telling the camera that as proud as I am of Wanda, I wish she overcame her phobia a little earlier. As the Meninas Do Gilmore leave, they see the Pink Poodles coming in, so there is hope for them... right? The Pink Poodles quickly locate their pack - although the scene of them doing that feels very reenacted to me - and take off after the Meninas Do Gilmore.

As the MoJos and Cool As Geek show up at the Cathedral and decide to scrub, the BoHo Boys realize that their cab driver is moving around in circles and decide to bail this Detour. The FranBerries are in the same situation, with Barry muttering that they cannot get any break in this Race. What, the fact that they are bunched with the other Racers and therefore they are no longer trailing behind isn't a "break"? What does he want? Victory handed to the FranBerries on a silver platter? Meanwhile, the Freaky Fratboys have apparently decided to follow the LaMichies, who are following the Telcoms. Therefore, two Teams who want to clean end up at the site for the dolls instead, heh. Oh well, since the rule about having to return to the clue stand to announce a change of Detour choice is no longer enforced between season three and four, the LaMichies and the Freaky Fratboys decide to go ahead and try their luck with the dolls anyway. They and the Telcoms learn to their dismay that a band is going to be annoying them with dancing and music while they are pulling apart nesting dolls. As the three Teams begin their work, Eric grumbles to the LaMichies for not leading them to the trolley depot. The LaMichies point out that they were merely following the Telcoms, and the Telcoms tell those two Teams that they should have picked their own Detour. Heh, that's so true!

The MoJos and Cool As Geek realize that their cab drivers don't know where the trolley depot is. Oh dear. The trailing two Teams reach the Cathedral at this point, with the Meninas Do Gilmore showing up first and picking scrub while the Pink Poodles show up later to also pick the same. As the Meninas Do Gilmore leave, Wanda points out that the Pink Poodles didn't ask their cab driver to wait for them like the Meninas Do Gilmore asked their own cab driver to, and Wanda predicts that the Pink Poodles will be at a disadvantage because of this oversight of theirs. Indeed, the Pink Poodles later struggle with cab drivers who don't know where the trolley depot is and, eventually, a lack of cabs passing the road that they can stop. Finally, they manage to locate a cab driver who claims to know where to take them.

At the theatre, Lake is not happy with the dolls, which he calls "rotten mammy-jammer". I hate to say it, but I think I am warming up to his way of swearing at things. Eric naturally says what he hopes is a flirtatious come-on to a dancer. I think a lifetime of being slapped by women has dislodged important parts of his brain. Eric locates the clue first, followed by Lake, leaving Ray and Yolanda to struggle. The next clue tells them to head over to the Red Square and locate Philo. Yup, no mention of Pit Stop here so it's pretty obvious that this is going to be a "to be continued" episode like the one they always have in every season since season six, only this one comes a little earlier than usual. As the Freaky Fratboys and the LaMichies leave, Michelle offers Lake some sort of "I told you so!" by pointing out that this Detour is faster than scrub. Yeah, and that's because Lake got lucky back in the theatre.

The Meninas Do Gilmore reach the trolley depot first, beating the MoJos and Cool As Geek, which shows how important cab drivers are on the Race. They have some mild panic over where to fill their buckets with water, but quickly after that it's straightforward cleaning and scrubbing for Wanda and Desiree. The Pink Poodles show up very soon after, causing Desiree to sigh and say aloud that she really hasn't had a good day. Elsewhere, the FranBerries reach the theatre where the first thing that comes out from Fran's mouth the moment she sees those dolls is, "This is the most frustrating thing I've ever done!" She goes on to moan that they could have finished cleaning two trolleys by the time they locate the clue in this Detour. Yeah, and she also believed that she could put together a motorcycle. Sheesh. Ray complains, "That music is, like, playing with my head. I can't find this danged thing!" But he manages to locate it and after showing the FranBerries what the small clue looks like, takes off with Yolanda. As they leave, the BoHo Boys show up, which makes Ray smile because it looks like some Teams are having a hard time locating the site for the other Detour.

Cool As Geek and the MoJos show up at the depot trolley at long last, thrilling the Teams that are already cleaning the trolley cars because this means that they are not in last place. The Meninas Do Gilmore are certain that they have finished cleaning their trolley bus but the supervisor points out that the roof has yet to be cleaned. Wanda climbs up a ladder to do this. At the theatre, there are plenty of predictable muggings and noises as the BoHo Boys find their clue and leave. Fran whines that if they can't find anything in the next nesting doll, they may as well quit because they are sure to be eliminated. See? Useless, whiny, and prone to giving up - how can this Team expect me to keep watching them without dying from a stroke?

Ahead, the Freaky Fratboys reach Philo at the Red Square only to be told that the leg isn't over and he will hand over their next clue. Okay then. Bring on the next episode. At this point, I'm not really feeling anything but indifference and that's not a good thing at all.

Before YouTube, recapping music videos is totally a thing and not a waste of time. Really..

• More