THE AMAZING RACE

Season 9 Episode 9: Do You Know How Much Running I've Done Today, Phil?

Previously, Teams traveled from Peloponnese, Greece, to Jabreen, Oman. Along the way, there were camels and plenty of digging for lamb cooked with spices in an underground oven. The Telcoms started to bicker and argue while the world order was thrown topsy-turvy for a moment when the FranBerries came in first place while the BoHo Boys came in last. But it was a non-elimination round so the BoHo Boys are still in the Race. Dang, I'm never going to be rid of them.

Philo Koughie steps out in front of the camera to explain that he's standing in Jabreen Castle, a seventeenth century castle located "deep in the desert of Oman" (Philo makes it sound as if this Castle was the new forty thieves' den or something), which was the Pit Stop of the previous leg of the Race. Before he kicks off the Race, he wonders whether the FranBerries will remain in first place - hmmm, that's a tough one but I'll have to guess no - or whether the BoHo Boys' "way" with people will get them out of last place. Oh, is this show trying to speak for everyone watching the show now when it has Philo announce that everyone loves the BoHo Boys' "way"? The only way of the BoHo Boys that I could start to like a little is the way they take as they leave my TV screen for good.

5:35 am. The FranBerries are going to leave first. They learn that they must now travel (by plane, of course) to Perth, Australia. Philo says that this would be a journey of more than 9,000 miles. He also adds that Perth is the capital of Western Australia and it is situated "just inland" from the Brisbane coast of the Indian Ocean. As they leave, Fran explains that they are first stopping to "drop off money" at BJ's car - they intend to contribute $20. Aww, they're such nice people, giving their competitors a chance to catch up with them like that. Barry now talks about how the other Teams will finally view the FranBerries as legitimate competitors and how their "travel experience" has helped them remain this long on the Race. I don't know what to say. Maybe if they keep believing what Barry is saying, they will feel that they can hold their heads up high at the end of the day and tell the kids that they really kicked ass on this show. I don't know. If that's what they choose to believe, that's fine, even if the truth is, they're cast on this show as cannon fodders and they have done their share to fulfil that role.

5:54 pm. The MoJos get to depart now. They count their money and I can only catch Monica saying something that sounds like "twenty-nine zero dollars". When they leave, they wonder whether to give the BoHo Boys some money. They opt not to but for some reason Monica suggests that they make it seem like they have, which explains the paper on the BoHo Boys' vehicle that the Telcoms will spot later on. Apparently the BoHo Boys have told the other Teams that they could just leave the money on their vehicle. Ooh, I hope someone walk past and steal all that money! Joseph tells the camera that at this point of the Race, every Team is becoming more competitive, a statement that pretty much a nicer way of saying that they are not giving the BoHo Boys a single cent. He thinks that the MoJos will do fine if they work together and slow down. I think Monica's more than ready to help slow the Team down, but I don't think that's what he meant by "slow down". Now, here is where the editors pull another fast trick: if you look at the longer and unedited Insider video on the official website, Monica explains that they heard the BoHo Boys planning to Yield the MoJos so she and Joseph decide not to leave any money for the BoHo Boys. However, on the TV show, the editors cut and splice up Monica's sentences so that what comes out instead is her telling the camera that the BoHo Boys will Yield the MoJos if the MoJos won't give them any money. I wonder why the editors do this and then leave the original unedited scene up on the official website. Do they want to educate the viewers about selective editing on reality TV? They must really be desperate for things to happen on this show if they don't even try to hide the fact that they are pulling all kinds of fast one on the audience. Anyway, Monica goes on to say that the BoHo Boys are being nitwits to brag about Yielding other Teams when they are also at the same time dependent on other Teams to give them money. Ah, but she's forgetting one thing: the BoHo Boys think that everyone loves them and everyone can't enough of them, so they cannot therefore imagine anyone not wanting to give their firstborn to BJ and Tyler.

The FranBerries are soon caught in a massive traffic jam. They pull up at a gas station where they learn that the King is holding up traffic by coming through that road with his massive entourage and all. The FranBerries ask about possible alternative routes to the Seeb International Airport but are told that there are no other routes. The FranBerries gloomily resign to the fact that they have to wait until the traffic eases up before they can move on. The MoJos are also caught in the traffic jam and they too can't think of anything to do other than to sit and wait for the traffic to ebb. When Teams are not asleep five minutes into the episode, they are not going anywhere. Are the editors trying to tell me something about this season?

6:26 am. The Telcoms leave and they take their leave, stopping to drop some money on the BoHo Boys' vehicle. Yolanda talks about how in the previous leg they started arguing when previously they were doing very well with each other. Maybe the whole tension thing has been building up and they both don't realize that until it's too late and the explosion has taken place. Anyway, they are currently enjoying a moment of tranquility. When they notice that the MoJos didn't leave any money for the BoHo Boys - just a slip of paper, apparently, and no, I have no idea what is written on that paper (I know what I'll write though if that paper is mine, heh) - and Yolanda chalks this up to the fact that the MoJos may act nice on the outside but inside they are "not nice at all". Is there something about the MoJos that I have missed out on? Have they been annoying the other Teams during the off-Race moments in the Pit Stops? I suppose the BoHo Boys must have a reason to target the MoJos in their plans to Yield someone just as Yolanda must have a reason to call the MoJos deceptive people.

6:47 am. The Freaky Fratboys leave and they reveal that each Team is given $181. But they leave only an IOU for $100 on the BoHo Boys' vehicle, saying that the BoHo Boys are hippies and therefore those BoHo Boys can make gas out of trees "or something". That's nice. They tell the camera that it's silly to give another Team money because that's giving the other Team an advantage to beat you in a Race. That's very true. However, what's not nice - most obnoxious, actually - is the idiots deciding to reinstate their Me So Horny shtick by having Eric say that the Race is "like trying to get in a girl's pants, you know? Lie, cheat, steal... you know, whatever you can." So, is he admitting that the only way he gets to sleep with some woman is by lying to and cheating her? And just what can he steal from some woman to get her in bed with him anyway? Her glasses? Her sanity?

Ahead, there are fireworks in the sky to entertain the Teams caught in traffic, how considerate of the King of Oman. The traffic is easing up, as Fran notes, and as the four Teams start to make their way slowly down the road, the MoJos complain about the time they have lost while stuck in traffic. This Team complains a lot about getting bad luck, I notice. Is this some build-up to a moment when they get eliminated?

8:21 pm. The BoHo Boys are leaving now, but not before mugging for the camera like they are really bad clowns on some kiddie TV show. You know, the kind that assume it is automatically funny if you are screaming out a joke at the top of your voice while laughing like a deranged hyena. They then take the pain to count the money they receive and list on which Team gives what, just like mercenary people will do when they are tallying up the wedding gifts or something. It seems that the FranBerries left them $20 while the Telcoms left $10. There's also the IOU from the Freaky Fratboys. BJ then gives this obnoxious confessional where he "jokes" that the MoJos have better watch out because they didn't leave any money to the BoHo Boys. Meanwhile, Tyler talks about how he has always wanted to travel with nothing and what-not, trying to tell me that he doesn't care that they are starting out with little money. But he does care, of course, since he has to "joke" about "putting another prawn on the Barbie". Remember, he and BJ call the MoJos Barbie and Ken. I guess that as the Race goes on, the BoHo Boys are starting to lose their forced cheerful facade, because now their so-called cheerfulness is starting to take on a creepy and petty streak. I find this most amusing because the editing is slowly starting to make cuts into the BoHo Boys' "HAPPY! HAPPY! HAPPY!" shtick when the BoHo Boys come on to this show with witless stunguns all ablaze to T-tow everyone into submission with their unfunny buffoonery.

At the airport, the MoJos arrive first and they are leaning towards getting seats on an Emirate Airlines flight that will leave at 12:45 am when the FranBerries, the Telcoms, and the Freaky Fratboys show up right behind them. Eric good-naturedly asks Joseph to share information about flight schedules and Joseph just as good-naturedly tells Eric to find out on his own. Both men don't take this conversation personally, it's obvious. It is most bizarre indeed when Eric, of all people, is behaving with more maturity towards the MoJos compared to the BoHo Boys. Joseph hopes to the camera that the BoHo Boys won't make it to the airport in time. The BoHo Boys may not, if they have to take a cab to the airport, but since this season is all about spoonfed transportation... well, we'll see soon enough.

The BoHo Boys while on the road decide that they need a hitchhiker to complete their Oman adventure. Also, I've no doubt, they believe that a hitchhiker will just allow them to add another chapter into the Amazingly Funny and Hilarious BJ and Tyler Show. The logic here is that they saw many hitchhikers in the previous leg so they want to pick up one before they leave Oman for Australia. Is that the kind of logic Tyler will give his sweetheart when he's arrested in some brothel in Haadyai during a police raid? "Honey, there are many ladyboy prostitutes here and you know I cannot leave the country without picking at least one up..." Anyway, those two obnoxious morons decide to pick up a hitchhiker by rolling down their windows and yelling at some random stranger whether he'd like a ride to the airport. This guy looks more intrigued by the TV cameras rather than by the two idiots as he gets into the vehicle. He reveals that his name is Abdul Hamid, a suspiciously generic Muslim name that I strongly suspect isn't his real name, and he says that he's a Bedouin from the desert. Most likely, Abdul Hamid is from the inner city who has never actually gone to the desert before and he's just telling some tall tales to look cool on TV. As the other Teams get ready to depart on their 12:45 am flight, the BoHo Boys stop for gas where Abdul Hamid manages to score them some Snickers. Abdul Hamid also pays for the gas and other food that the BoHo Boys gobble up. The enlightened free-spirited BoHo Boys never seem to wonder whether it is nice to make a hitchhiker pay for their gas and junk food. Instead, BJ calls the BoHo Boys "American Bedouins", which I find cringe-inducingly cheesy rather than hilarious, and those two rub noses with Abdul Hamid before abandoning him at the gas station. I am hoping that it will be later revealed that Abdul Hamid has picked their pockets, but alas, this show never becomes as fun as I want it to be.

So, it turns out that the BoHo Boys make it to the airport just as the boarding of the flight is about to be closed. Can they get tickets and make it to the flight in time? Oh, look, they're going "T-tow!" again. Will they make it on that flight? Well, of course they make it on that flight. BJ announces that it's time that they rub it in the faces of the other Teams so they start doing their familiar braindead holler-and-roller hoo-hoo ha-ha thing to the other Teams. They're also making a commotion on a nighttime flight where there are no doubt other passengers trying to get some sleep, mind you. Not only that, they proceed to then ask for money from the other passengers on the flight. No doubt they would chalk this episode up to another fabulously hilarious chapter of the T-tow My Ass, It's Those Fabulously Funny Tyler and BJ Show, but really now, that's just plain insensitive of those two morons to people who aren't involved with the Race. But for them to realize how insensitive they are would require them to have some self-awareness about how everything around them doesn't have to revolve about the BJ and Tyler show, a self-awareness that I don't think they have at any time on this Race.

Philo voices over that all Teams are on the same flight to Perth. At Perth, Teams must hop into cabs and head over to the Kings Park and Botanic Garden to locate the State War Memorial for their next clue. Woosh to Perth, where the plane has landed and the Teams barrel out of the airport while frantically searching for cabs. Needless to say, the FranBerries are once again left behind. And just as needlessly, Fran croaks at once that they are once again left behind. I'd have thought they have enough time to get used to being left behind again. The Freaky Fratboys' cab zooms past the MoJos, giving the two morons an opportunity to laugh at how furious Joseph looks when the Freaky Fratboys overtake the MoJos. Monica in the other cab says that eeuw, something sure smells when the Freaky Fratboys zoom past. Interesting, really, how the MoJos are being the target of three other Teams' disdain. There must be some interesting drama that took place behind the scenes, because the BoHo Boys in particular seemed fine with the MoJos just three episodes ago. More cab gab follow: the Telcoms want to stay focused without getting distracted by petty squabblings and the BoHo Boys realize that they have more than $300.

I don't know how the Freaky Fratboys keep doing this but even when their fate hinges on a random cabdriver, they still reach the State War Memorial first. If I can muster enough mental strength not to gag them two minutes into their company, I may be tempted to take them with me to a casino for me to try my luck at the tables. Wait, maybe I'll just gag them from the start, just to be certain that my blood pressure remains stable. Now they learn that they have to travel to Fremantle and take a ferry to Rottnest Island, a place that Philo calls a "vacation spot". The Freaky Fratboys are told by their cab driver that the trip will take about 45 minutes before they leave for Fremantle. The MoJos show up next and they too tell their cab driver to take them to Fremantle now. The Telcoms show up after the MoJos but their cab driver tells them that the trip will take an hour and a half. Either the cab driver knows only the long route to Fremantle or he really doesn't want to make that trip. Yolanda realizes that they don't have enough money for a trip that far. Oh dear, I wonder whether she's regretting the $10 that the Telcoms wasted on the BoHo Boys. See what the Freaky Fratboys mean by how you shouldn't do anything that will give a rival an advantage over you? And did I just say that people should listen to the Freaky Fratboys? Ai-yai-yai.

The BoHo Boys show up next and their cab driver tells them that the trip to Fremantle is only 30 or 40 minutes - he must either be a reckless driver or he knows a shortcut, heh - but the BoHo Boys will get there faster if they take a bus. The Telcoms are also planning to take a bus, having gotten directions from their ever-helpful cab driver. The two Teams end up discovering that they are taking the same bus. And finally, the FranBerries show up at the State War Memorial when it's late and everyone else has long left and they hope that, at the very least, they will end up on the same ferry as the other Teams.

They are in luck because when the Freaky Fratboys and the MoJos show up at the ferry terminal at Fremantle, they learn that the ferry leaves only at 7:30 am the next day. They learn of a backpacker hotel nearby and head off to spend the night there. I hope the backpacker hotels in Fremantle are very different from the backpacker hotels in my side of the world, where they are synonymous with cheap desperate hookers and a very real possibility of being robbed blind once the sucker is asleep. The FranBerries, having taken a cab to Fremantle, reach the ferry terminal next. They too head to the backpacker hotel, which is called the Old Firestation International, of all things, where they learn that they have to share a room called the Pleasure Dome with other people. I think I'm starting to like the Old Firestation International, heh. Says Barry, "This Race has ruined our sex life, I'll tell you that!" and Fran adds, "And that's for damned sure!" Heh, thanks for sharing, you silly old coots you. On the other hand, the Freaky Fratboys call their room the "Batcave" and one of them says that he's "got bottom". I know, I've seen the photographic evidence. Let's me just add though that simulating fellatio with Tyler is not having bottom as much as hitting rock bottom. Now, where are we again?

Later, the bus arrives. The BoHo Boys and the Telcoms end up looking for a place to spend the night, although it's not clear whether they too end up at the jolly Old Firestation International. Do they actually have some fireman's pole in the Pleasure Dome? Sorry, I just have to ask.

At 7:30 am, the Teams board the ferry to Rottnest Island, a trip of about 13 miles. Once they disembark, they have to collect a tandem bike from a nearby bicycle-for-hire shop and cycle over some hills for three miles to get to a lighthouse. Philo does all this explanation in voiceovers. Is he ashamed to face the public after flaunting his package so blatantly in the previous episode? There is nothing to be ashamed of, Philo - flaunt it if you got it, that sort of thing.

Most predictably, the Freaky Fratboys are soon leading the pack, although they too note that it can be tough trying to cycle up the many hilly terrains they encounter. Joseph complains that all that cycling is "killing" his thighs. Tyler huffs and puffs to BJ to "push out" (I'd think he'd know it's smarter to stop talking and save his breath and energy for the cycling) and BJ says in an annoyed manner that he is indeed pushing hard. It is harder for the person in front who's doing most of the cycling when it comes to going up a steep hill slope, and guess what, BJ's the one in front while Tyler's the one at the back yapping away like an idiot. BJ seems to be too much of a Sancho Panza to Tyler's Don Quixote at times. The Telcoms have to stop for a while so that Ray can move to the front and switch places with Yolanda. On the other hand, the FranBerries claim that they can tandem-bike all day because that's what they do in real life to keep fit. Barry claims that the FranBerries are fitter now than they were twenty years ago, which would be plausible if twenty years ago they were obese lazy people who didn't do any physical exercise. Otherwise, no, it's not biologically possible to be fitter now than before. Trust me, I'm an old coot who'd love to believe that I can run, jump, and swim faster and better than I could twenty years ago, but I've learned the hard way that age is irreversible and alas, everything is indeed in the mind and only in the mind. And hmmmph, the FranBerries really shouldn't be the ones to talk - they're trailing behind.

Ahead, the Freaky Fratboys reach the lighthouse first where they learn that it's now time for a Detour. Philo - and the package, swoon - steps out to explain that in "Sand", Teams must grab a pile of forty big branches and drag them some 126 yards to add the branches to a marked sand dune in what Philo calls "brushing the beach", a method to prevent beach erosion. Once all 40 branches are added to the sand dune, the Detour supervisor will hand them their next clue. In "Sea", Teams will dive and search among fifty crayfish traps to locate two of the few that contain a live crayfish. Once they do, they will take out the crayfish and exchange it with the Detour supervisor for their next clue. No matter which Detour a Team chooses, they will have to cycle for a mile to Salmon Bay where both Detours will take place. The Freaky Fratboys decide to swim out to sea. The MoJos, when they show up at the lighthouse next, choose to do the same.

You know what this means, folks? Yes, it's time to enjoy some male skin on display. That is, if you like seeing any of the guys left on the show in their swimtrunks. Hmm, there's always Ray. I'll go get the glasses, you get the champagne out of the fridge, and we'll both hope for the best.

The BoHo Boys are cycling up the hill as the MoJos are cycling down and as those two Teams pass each other, they start badmouthing each other. How tedious, really. The BoHo Boys decide to play with sand. They are going downhill when they meet the FranBerries who are of course going uphill and the BoHo Boys are nicer to those two because those two are old and the BoHo Boys who want to be famous and well-liked must be nice to old people when the cameras are rolling, just like they must wear T-shirts proclaiming their allegiance to the Bates Sisters to get all those insipid "They like my favorite Team so I must now like them too!" fans out there, of which there are unfortunately many. The FranBerries decide to play with sand because Fran claims that she can't dive. And finally, the Telcoms show up and Yolanda says ruefully to Ray when she realizes that they have been beaten to the lighthouse by the FranBerries, "Fran and Barry dusted us. They may look old but they're good!" They choose to play with sand. Put the champagne back in the fridge - spoilsport Ray is keeping his shirt on, dang it.

The BoHo Boys manage to catch up with the Freaky Fratboys at Salmon Bay where the Freaky Fratboys greet the BoHo Boys atonally as "flower children". What does that make the Freaky Fratboys then, hmm? Fruity brats? The Freaky Fratboys realize that they have to change into swimsuits and don snorkeling gear and they happily run to the changing rooms, saying that they hope to see some "ass". I don't know if they are talking about seeing each other's ass in the changing room, seeing the asses of the people at the beach, seeing their own reflection, or watching the BoHo Boys. Meanwhile, the MoJos are lost and Monica keeps telling Joseph to stop and check the map. Finally he relents when she predictably starts crying like she always does whenever things aren't going her way. Sheesh. He realizes from studying the map that they have been going in the wrong direction all this while. Joseph to his credit apologizes for his previous reluctance to listen to her and Monica kills his goodwill easily by saying that he should have paid attention to her. He roars that he was drinking water while paying attention so he couldn't really stop the bike when she wanted to. No, I don't know what he is gibbering about either. She tells him to stop freaking out. I have a feeling that she has been waiting for a long time to say that to him. Joseph tells her that he's trying not to. "Do not bitch at me!" he tells her. Monica has her mouth wide open as once more tears well in her eyes. I really can't stand both of them when it comes to scenes like this one. She is whiny and cries in a most annoying manner all the while squeaking in a breathy pipsqueak whiny manner and he is high-handed and obnoxious. They are both so annoying.

Meanwhile, the Freaky Fratboys want everyone to notice that they are wearing "amazing Speedos". They says that if there were "chicks", they'd be hooking up with them. Actually, I heard them say that if the Speedos were chicks, they'd hook up with them, but I may have heard wrong so I'll just err on the safe side and say that those guys want to put their hands all over chicks rather than all over their Speedo-clad crotches. They then talk about "waiting for the shrivelage" as they get into the water. I don't know - let's just say that I won't notice anything even if there is no shrivelage. Maybe I've been spoiled by Philo - now that's a man who would be arrested for public indecency if he dares to wear a pair of tight Speedos, I tell you. Memo to the Aussiebum PR department: go get Philo to do some magazine ads to make up for the fact that Aussiebum didn't pay for product placement in this episode and therefore let go of a golden opportunity to force Ray, Joseph, Eric, and Jeremy to run the Race wearing only Aussiebum swimsuits. And to anyone who has no idea what Aussiebum is, go check out the website. The URL should be obvious. Just don't do that when you're at work unless you want to lie to your boss that you are merely shopping for male swimsuits.

In other less salacious news, the BoHo Boys start dragging their branches and they are soon joined by the FranBerries. I'm sure you all will be stunned to know that Fran immediately starts complaining about how tough this Detour is. Eventually, the Freaky Fratboys locate two traps with a crayfish and they soon receive their next clue. They must now get back to the mainland and head over to the Fremantle Prison. A nearly circular building built by convicts in the 1850's, it was shut down in 1991 and converted into a museum. There are a network of tunnels that supply fresh water to the prison, Philo points out.

The MoJos have reached Salmon Bay and start changing into their diving gear. The BoHo Boys and the FranBerries are still dragging their branches to their respective marked sand dunes. Watching the BoHo Boys as they cycle away to the ferry terminal, the Freaky Fratboys wonder why the BoHo Boys are performing the manual labor task when those BoHo Boys went to "Harvard and Stanford". The key words here are "went to", I guess, as opposed to "graduated with flying colors from". The MoJos are now getting into the water. I love how Joseph seems to have picked some Speedos that are too small for him - there's an inch of pale flesh showing above the waistband. Of course, the show takes pains to show him either from a distance or from the waist up. What is the point of making these people wear tight swimsuits and don't show them up close for the audience's voyeuristic pleasure? To keep the camera crew happy rather than the viewers? Sometimes these TV shows make me wonder, I tell you.

The BoHo Boys complete their task and they let everyone know of this by going T-tow on everyone's ass. Oh, and they don't like the MoJos, boo and hiss. The whole hate thing is as tedious as the rest of their shtick because they can't drop anything if their lives depend on it: the way they keep bringing up their dislike of the MoJos to the camera during every opportunity they can grab makes this part of their gimmick. It gives the whole feud thing a cartoonish Jerry-Springerish vibe that I find rather distasteful, as if the BoHo Boys aren't above being petty and childish as long as they can incorporate their behavior as yet another aspect of the tedious BJ and Tyler Show. Meanwhile, the Telcoms show up at the beach and move towards their pile of branches.

The MoJos return from the sea with only one crayfish and the Detour supervisor tells them to go get another crayfish. Joseph blames once more this mishap on their poor luck, although in this case it isn't bad luck as much as their carelessness in reading the Detour instructions that is the problem. The FranBerries now finish their Detour and they are off. As the Telcoms begin dragging their first two branches to their marked sand dune, the MoJos locate a second trap that has a crayfish inside. Joseph took out the previous crayfish so Monica now has to take out this crayfish. The clue specifically says that each person has to take back one crayfish to the Detour supervisor, after all. Monica, however, says that she is scared of that crayfish and she doesn't want to touch it. I tell you, sometimes it does seem like she's begging for Joseph to get angry at her. She seems to be on the verge of another teary-eyed meltdown as Joseph tells her to stay calm and just go get that thing. She eventually does just that. It does seem like Monica intends to preface everything she has to do with a some princessy drama, and I'm not amused. The MoJos return with the second crayfish and are given their clue. The Telcoms are still working on their branches. As Joseph gets ready to bike away, he tells Monica, "We are the kings of not reading the clues right and stuff." All the while he is putting his helmet on backwards. Heh. Finally, the Telcoms finish up and they are now happily cycle away.

Ahead, the Freaky Fratboys are just in time to catch a ferry back to the mainland. The BoHo Boys miss out on this ferry but they learn of an alternative method of getting to Fremantle Prison - they can take another ferry to Hillarys and grab a cab from there to the Prison. They will actually reach the Prison by some half an hour earlier than they would if they take the ferry that will take them back to the Fremantle. The BoHo Boys get this ferry and yammer about how they will be ahead of every Team that is trailing behind them by at least half an hour. The FranBerries show up next and while they wait for a ferry back to Fremantle, they have the sense to get a cab to wait for them once they reach Fremantle to take them to the Prison. That's a sensible decision, really. The MoJos and the Telcoms short up eventually to join the FranBerries as they take the same ferry back to the mainland.

The Freaky Fratboys reach the Fremantle ferry wharf while the BoHo Boys reach the Hillarys ferry wharf a little later. While the BoHo Boys take a cab to the Prison, the Freaky Fratboys decide to travel there by foot. As they get directions, all the while chirping "Crikey!" the way every silly tourist believe that the locals have not encountered such hilarity before and they can't wait to see more tourists going "Crikey!" or "Pizza pie!" or "Hakunana matata!" or who knows what else, back in the second ferry Joseph is calling on a borrowed cell phone a cab to wait for the MoJos when they reach Fremantle.

The Freaky Frats are sure enough the first to reach the Fremantle Prison where they learn that it's now time for a Roadblock. Philo explains - oh goodness, he really shouldn't be featured in a side profile like that because of, you know, that; let's just say that it looks like it's leading the way to a very nice place - that in this Roadblock the nincompoop doing it will have to search the cells in Division Four for one of the four cells that have Duracell betteries and a Duracell torch in them. Yes, Duracell is paying good money for product placement here so let us just be grateful that nobody has to search for a crowd of people in Duracell battery suits for a clue. This nincompoop will then have to insert the batteries into the torchlight and head down into the network of tunnels that Philo mentioned earlier - surely you don't think he'll mention them for nothing, do you? - and search the tunnels until they find a clue envelope.

Jeremy takes this one and the silly twit then goes round and round the Prison looking for Division Four until Eric informs him that he has to actually enter the Prison to look. Having overcome the brief hiccup in his brainpower, Jeremy quickly locates the Duracell torchlight and those all-important batteries. Now all he has to do is to locate the door that will take him down into the tunnels. He instead opens the door into an outhouse. You know, it occurs to me that Jeremy really shouldn't know how to use a word like "outhouse" and Eric shouldn't the kind of person that drops the word "catacombs" at the drop of hat. Say, it's not possible, right, that these two are actually out-of-work Shakespearean actors who have to resort to acting in gay porn films to pay the rent? Those poor things!

On the road, the BoHo Boys are stuck in traffic. That's nice. Back on the second ferry, the FranBerries and the MoJos realize that they both have cabs waiting for them. After realizing that Barry and Joseph have both given their names to their cab drivers, Joseph says to the FranBerries that nonetheless, he intends to snatch the first cab he sees. Now I get an inkling as to why the MoJos aren't everyone's bosom buddies on this Race. However, once the ferry docks at Fremantle, the only cab waiting is the one intended for the MoJos. The MoJos hop into their cab and the FranBerries understandably ask the cab driver anyway because the MoJos did say that they would steal the old coots' cab if given the chance. The cab driver points out that he has been waiting for a "Joseph". The FranBerries' cab either never show up or the cab driver has left after getting tired of waiting for them. In their cab, Monica says that the FranBerries cannot accuse them of stealing the FranBerries' cab because the driver clearly said that he was waiting for Joseph. Yes, but since Joseph said earlier without prompting that he would steal the FranBerries' cab if given a chance, can she blame them for wanting to make sure that the cab isn't theirs?

The Telcoms quickly realize that it is not easy to get a cab from that place so they choose to go by foot to the Prison instead. The FranBerries however either do not know that the Prison is within walking distance or they feel that they have no energy to walk all the way there, because they persist in trying to get a cab while moaning that they are now in last place. Finally they manage to find a bus that will take them there.

Jeremy is still hunting for the door to the tunnel - I'm glad that I manage to restrain myself from making the obvious crass joke about his sexual prowess here - while the Freaky Fratboys find it quite surprising that no one has caught up with them yet. Talk about timing - here are the MoJos. Joseph will take the Roadblock. Next to show up are the BoHo Boys who are fast turning into obsessed weirdos when, without prompting from the MoJos' part, they immediately act disgruntled and annoyed because the MoJos beat them to the Prison. Jeremy finally locates the door that will lead him down to the tunnels, expressing some mild exasperation about his wild goose chase by wondering aloud, "Who put this tunnel here?" He is told that he has a choice of hunting in the dry tunnels or head out to where the boats are. The boats are for exploring the wet tunnels, of course. Jeremy, being what he is, chooses to explore the wet tunnels.

In the Prison, Tyler and Joseph are looking around for their torch and batteries. Tyler keeps asking Joseph whether they are at the right Division and whether they can work together but Joseph keeps brushing him off. Joseph finds the torch and batteries soon enough. As he is trying to place the batteries inside the torch, Tyler approaches him again and asks whether they are in Division Four. Most amusingly, Tyler stands beside Joseph in front of a big sign on the wall that says "Division Four". Joseph, still fiddling with the torch and not even looking at Tyler, once more says that he has no idea. Of course, since Joseph has the torch and batteries, Tyler can surely guess that they are indeed in Division Four. Tyler eventually locates a cell with the torch and batteries and pose once again in front of the Division Four sign as he places the batteries inside the torch. Too funny, really.

Down in the wet tunnels, Jeremy thinks he has a problem, which is pretty much the story of his life. Above and outside, the Telcoms reach the Prison and Yolanda takes this one for them. Eventually the Telcoms also show up and Barry wants Fran to do this one even when she protests that she's scared about going into those dark and creepy tunnels and all. Barry insists that she's actually good at it, whatever "it" is. Breaking into prison cells? Exploring dark tunnels? It looks like Fran may have a secret life that could get very interesting, heh. Fran gives in and runs off to look for Division Four. Back to Jeremy, he finds himself back at where he started. Back to square one with the wet tunnels being a no go - surely a situation Jeremy is familiar with - the poor fellow decides to try his luck with the dry tunnels instead. He manages to find a clue in the dry tunnels so he and Eric can now leave.

As Jeremy leaves the tunnel, he bumps into Joseph and advises Joseph to take the canoe. That's something I heartily approve - bring on the competition! (Hey, what do you expect from me? Shameless Robfather fan here.) When he's reunited with his partner-in-grime, Jeremy learns that they can now head over a mile and a half to the Fremantle Sailing Club where the South Breakwater will be the Pit Stop of this leg of the Race. The Freaky Fratboys can't find a cab and they are told that they can walk to the Club, so it's once more on foot they go.

Meanwhile, down in the wet tunnels Joseph manages to spot a clue. So much for Jeremy's attempt to misdirect Joseph, heh. Up and outside, Tyler is still looking for the door to the room that leads to the tunnels. Yolanda in the meantime finds a cell with a torch and batteries and now she's looking for that door as well. Fran also locates the batteries and the torch and now tells Barry that she can't find the tunnel. Barry helpfully tells her to be "methodical", whatever that means. Should Fran mark each door she's looked with a big red X or something? Ahead, the Freaky Fratboys aren't receiving directions to the Club and they are now worried the MoJos - whose cab is still waiting outside the Prison - would beat them to the Pit Stop. And coming in second is a terrible thing indeed, I suppose. Think of all those amazing vacation prizes that the Freaky Fratboys would miss out on! The MoJos are right now rushing for their cab, ready to hit the road and dash for the Pit Stop. Oh, who will be the first to the Pit Stop? Who cares? I don't.

Anyway, those two Teams reach the Club pretty much at the same time so it's a race to the finish mat. The Freaky Fratboys edge out the MoJos narrowly for the win and a prize to some spas in Hong Kong. How convenient - a lot of failed models in America manage to make a few bucks modeling there, so the Freaky Fratboys may want to get some phone numbers while they're there. Perhaps the Hong Kong agencies will be more forgiving towards Eric's receding hairline. The MoJos come in second.

Tyler and Yolanda are trying to find the door together and their combined brainpower manages to do what they fail to do on their own. Down into the tunnels they go, both choosing to explore the wet tunnels. Yolanda thinks that paddling in those tunnels is something straight out of the movie Pirates of the Caribbean. Does that make Tyler a rotting pirate skeleton? Fran also manages to locate the door to the tunnels and now she descends into wet tunnels too. Tyler locates a clue first and he goes "T-tow!" What does that word mean? "To take over the world" or something? Whatever it is, it's lame beyond belief. What's wrong with "cowabunga"? Then Yolanda finds her clue too and she congratulates herself for being some "badass bitch". Well, the badass bitch is second to last at the moment so she and Ray really need to haul ass pronto. Finally Fran finds her clue too but poor Barry and Fran have to watch the Telcoms grab a cab first. A sad party of two outside Fremantle Prison, the FranBerries eventually manage to get a cab. They moan that they're last. So what else is new, really?

The BoHo Boys come in third, yelling "Hot dog!" for what seems like no reason at all. Okay, so Italy is "pizza pie" and now Australia is "hot dog" according to these two braindeads' Encyclopedia Of Random Exclamations That We Believe Are Automatically Hilarious If We Just Yell Them Out At The Top Of Our Voice. Who wants to think to come up with genuinely witty stuff to say, right? Don't bother! Let's just yell anything and everything loudly at the top of the voice and people will automatically laugh. The louder it is, the funnier it will automatically be!

Suspense time as the Telcoms and the FranBerries head towards the Pit Stop. This time the suspense is pretty convincing because the Telcoms first claim that their cab driver doesn't seem to know where he is going and then they end up at the wrong entrance of the Club. When it comes to the Telcoms, getting lost seems to be something they do on a regular basis and therefore they could very well end up coming in last. Then the FranBerries are getting out of their cab and running towards the Pit Stop. Where are the Telcoms? There they are, running as well. Ooh, suspense, suspense... and then wham, the Telcoms are the ones that show up in fourth place at the mat. It's not even a close race with the FranBerries, hmmph. Yolanda thinks that she and Ray are back on track in the love train again but Ray looks like he wants to make sure that they really are so he'll just take a rain check on answering. Or maybe he's just out of breath after all that running, I don't know.

Finally, the FranBerries come in last. Fran insists that she's not going to cry but awww, she cries anyway as those two old coots finally retire from the Race. He talks about how proud he is of her and how she doesn't realize what an amazing person she is. They both talk about how they will be happy with their lives thirty years down the road, God willing, and it's an actually sweet and heartfelt goodbye montage for this Team. Still, I'm relieved to see them go because they struggled every other moment on this Race to the point that watching them is like waiting for a heart attack to strike me down. They also have a nice send-off, really: they ran a pretty good Race in this leg and their elimination was due to a missing cab rather than any fault of theirs, so the FranBerries manage to retire from the Race with a bang of some sort.

Before YouTube, recapping music videos is totally a thing and not a waste of time. Really..

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