THE AMAZING RACE

Season 7 Episode 2: The Whole Country Hates Me

Previously, the Race has just started and if you haven't tuned in, maybe you should because American Idol 4 isn't looking to be as interesting at the moment. The Robfather and Ambore get onboard the Race, causing mayhem wherever they go, and they are doing a fine job shaking the Race dynamics up. After all, there are only so many seasons of people whining about cabs or delayed flights I can take without feeling bored. On the other hand, the Robfather and Ambore make things happen, bend the rules without breaking them, and generally do things rather than react to events on the Race. Oh, and the Yogi Bears, Ryan and Chuck, were eliminated just when I was warming up so well to them.

Credits. The credit sequence of the Robfather and Ambore is disappointingly lame. Where are the blood, tears, and accusations of treachery? My idea is to have those two hugging and laughing as they stand over the crying and furiously floor-punching body of Lex Loser.

Philo Koughie steps out to explain where he and the Teams are. See the llamas? They are at Cuzco, once the capital of the ancient Incan empire, now reduced to a place that sell tacky ticky-tacks to bored tourists wanting to see what a building without modern plumbing looks like. Don't laugh, New Yorkers. A century from now, you are all next. The historic nunnery and church of La Merced was the Pit Stop of the previous leg and this is where the Teams will start the Race from today. Philo wonders whether the "notoriety" of the Robfather and Ambore will keep them going or whether the GOPs can find a way to step up from last place and hence stop the terrorists who are watching this show from laughing out loud.

10:54 pm. The Lilith Sisters of Bianca and Debbie are the first to leave. In their clothes, they look like what you'll get when a rainbow puked over two lesbian ponies. Their clue tells them to take a bus to the city of Arequipa which is about four hundred miles from Cuzco. Philo points out that Arequipa is called the "white city" because pretty much every building in that place made from white volcanic stones. (Trivia: the stone is called sillar and Arequipa is the second largest city in Peru after Lima.) In Arequipa, Teams must locate the "shoeshine union" to obtain their next clue. They have a union for shoeshiners over there? Cool. As the Lilith Sisters dash out from the starting line, they insist that it is very important for them to be the first all-female team to win the Race. They don't elaborate why, although I can guess. I could use a million dollars in my life too. They also point out that mental strength is their greatest, er, strength. We'll see about that.

At the bus station, the Lilith Sisters come across a bus counter that is closed but the sign says that there is a bus leaving for Arequipa at 6:20 am. They decide to wait out the rest of the night.

11:05 pm. Mom and Moan are off. As they leave, Patrick gives a mystifying confessional where he talks about being underestimated and therefore this will somehow give them an advantage in the Race. How will they be underestimated? What kind of advantage will they get from being underestimated? He doesn't elaborate. I think he just wants to come off as being misunderstood and oppressed when he actually isn't.

11:09 pm. The Robfather and Ambore are ready to leave. They count their money and realize that they are getting $480 for this leg of the Race. As they leave, Ambore talks about how the Robfather likes to think that he is the leader of the team and therefore she lets him take control. She can't fool me though. I've seen her in action in All Stars Survivor. While the Robfather has everyone in his web, she is the black widow ready to dine on his victims.

Mom and Moan catch up with the Lilith Sisters at the bus terminal. The Lilith Sisters tell those two that they will be the first and second team in queue to get tickets for the bus when the counter opens at 5:30 am. When the Robfather and Ambore show up, Patrick tries to act cool and tough by approaching them and laying down the rules of the queue, only to let his inner fanboy escape when he squeaks after he has told the two that they are number three in the queue, "Isn't that cool?" If he is expecting the Robfather to pat his head though, he's in for a surprise. Those two decide to go around looking for alternative buses. The Robfather chats with some guys who are in the bus terminal - the night watch, I suppose - and learns from them that the 6:30 am bus makes many stops along the way. The Robfather looks at the sign under a different bus counter which is supposed to sell tickets on a bus that leaves at 7:00 am but arrives in Arequipa much earlier than the 6:30 am bus. There, under the name of the bus company, is "Directo". I wonder what that word means in English. Naturally, the Robfather and Ambore plan to take this bus.

11:59 am. Dumb and Dumber get ready to leave but they are not leaving without the Fat Fatales. Hmm, I see someone has taken my advice and hook up. Dumb and Dumber explain their strategy of making friends with every Team on this show so that they can all help each other out when the going gets tough. My intelligence radar shatters to pieces when it is aimed at those two. Can't compute - no intelligent lifeform detected - moving on.

12:00 am. The Fat Fatales leave. As they meet up with Dumb and Dumber, they say that they want to prove "something" to the world. What do they want to prove, exactly? A gay couple has already won the Race in the fourth season. A gay couple ended up in the top three in the first season. If they want to prove to the world that gay couples can be loud, obnoxious, catty, bitchy, squealing, prancing, mincing flamers, I don't need them to do that. I can just turn on the Bravo channel to get all the poofs, er, proof I need. They furthermore insist that they are "edgy and butch", which confuses me because I thought the word "butch" only applies to lesbians. Are they edgy because they are manly lesbians pretending to girly gay guys? Is that what they are trying to do? A more sexually confused Boys Don't Cry movie? Oh my head. I need to lie down.

They too join the growing crowd in the bus terminal. The Lilith Sisters are giving everyone verbal queue numbers and Lynn gushes that everyone here is so "organized". Yeah, and edgy and butch too, don't forget those. The Robfather slyly tells the camera that he and Ambore are pretending that they will take the same bus as the other Teams.

12:24 am. The Cannon Fodders leave. As to be expected, Gretchen says that she gets "emotional" when stressed - doggone it! - so she is glad that Meredith is here to steady her when the Tourette threatens to come over her. Or something. They arrive at the bus station and are given a number by the Lilith Sisters. I wonder whether they need permission from the Lilith Sisters to go to the washroom.

12:41 am. The RADs are off. Ray says that he, being from a competitive sports background, tends to do everything alone (heh, I don't think I need to make the obvious joke here). Is that his way of saying that I should find it okay if he treats Deana like crap (or in his words, like "window dressing")? Besides, aren't competitive sports all about team spirit? And what kind of moron will tell a window dressing to "suck it up"?

12:47 am. The IVFs leave. Joyce talks about the both of them fighting to make decisions and what-not, but in this Race they are learning to give and take. First the infertility problems, then the unemployment blues, and now a standard rocky marriage story. I can't wait to hear about the dead puppies.

When the RADs arrive at the bus terminal, the Robfather tells him what the Robfather has learned about the 7:00 am bus. He tells Ray that they shouldn't share this with anyone except the IVFs. I guess the three Teams have decided to work together. The Robfather adds that he has bribed the guy who told him "everything" not to tell anyone else. Heh heh heh. The Robfather explains to the camera just what I suspected: he and Ambore have formed a working alliance of sorts with the other two Teams. This is just like his strategy on Survivor, come to think of it, where he groups together those people at the bottom of the hierarchy, make them feel special, and rally the troops to take on the top dogs, all the while making sure that he will be the last man standing after the rebellion. Indeed, when the IVFs show up, the Robfather tells them about the 7:00 am bus and asks them to "play dumb" (heh heh heh) because they are among a select few chosen to be on the Robfather's "secret list". At home, Lex Loser is screaming and throwing peanuts at the TV, crying, "Don't trust him! He told me I'm on his list too! And then he betrayed me! For that woman! HAAAATTTTTEEE!"

12:55 am. The Maybellines, pink hotpants and all, get ready to leave. They insist that they are leaders who like to be in control, which is why they think they work better without getting other Teams to help them. Someone did inform them that they came in second to last in the previous leg, right? I don't think being in control is helping them much. In a demonstration of their fine leadership capabilities, Heidi whines in their cab that her hair is blowing into her mouth and Megan instructs her to pull her hair back behind her ears. I'm sure it's a party at their house when they try to figure out how to program the VCR to record The Simple Life before they hit the town with Dumb and Dumber.

12:58 am. Here comes the GOPs. As they get into their cab, GI Joe says that he has led a very "gritty, down-and-dirty" life as a military person but he doesn't expect Barbie Jane, whom he calls "a beauty queen" (which strikes me as odd because... well, it sounds odd to me, that's all), to do the same. Which leads me to wonder, why then does he choose to take her as a Race partner? Why take a baggage when you can take a partner who can help you on the Race?

These last two Teams reach the bus terminal, where it's a big bunched-up party. Everything seems fine until Alex approaches a guy for information about other bus options and this guy tells Alex that he is informed by "the guy in the cap" that he cannot tell Alex anything. Alex naturally runs straight to the RADs with this news. The RADs pretend to look shocked at this revelation. And then the Fat Fatales run to the Lilith Sisters as well as Dumb and Dumber with this OMIGOD SHOCKING NEWS before squealing to Mom and Moan that the Robfather is not to be trusted. This is hilarious, it's like a Nathan Lane one-man Chicken Little show. Once everyone is suitably worked up, Alex confronts the Robfather with the accusation that the Robfather "lied" to everyone else there. This is rubbish, of course, because the Robfather is guilty of attempting to misdirect everyone else, true, but he has never lied to any of them in the process. He may or may not have lied to Alex though when he denies telling the man Alex spoke to not to tell anyone else about the 7:00 am bus, because the show doesn't allow me the opportunity to figure out whether the man Alex spoke to is the man the Robfather previously spoke to. But does that matter? Of course bribing the locals to keep their mouth shut is something the Robfather will do! That is why he is okay in my book, heh.

The Robfather is enjoying the commotion, make no mistake. "All this politicking and back and forth and whispering - it does nobody any good at all!" he declares as if he has every right to be on a self-righteous trip. And here comes the Lilith Sisters, telling the Robfather that "lying to somebody is completely different". Is this any different from telling the GOPs to dig in the wrong sand mound, I wonder? That's the difference between the Robfather and these self-righteous hypocrites: the Robfather is aware of his perfidy and revels in it while the Lilith Sisters are completely oblivious about their own inconsistencies in behavior and speech. The Robfather raises his voice and challenges the Lilith Sisters to point out when and how he has lied to them. The Lilith Sisters refuse to answer - maybe because they don't really have an answer, I suspect - while Ambore, who is grinning because she enjoys seeing the Robfather stir the pot as much as I do, I suspect, tells him to calm down. The Robfather has to get his last word, doesn't he, by telling the Lilith Sisters that aha, they have no answer because he has never told them a single lie. All the women could reply is a sharp retort saying that the Robfather's behavior nauseates them. He replies by saying that it nauseates him to be called a liar. Lynn snorts that it is a good thing then that people can't be voted off on this Race. Did someone mention the Yield? Ahem. And then, as the enraged Teams depart, he turns to the camera and gives this wink that has me thinking that I shouldn't, I mustn't, but what the heck, I nearly swoon anyway.

Thanks to the Fat Fatales, every Team gets on the 7:00 am bus. It's a ten-hour ride which allows the Maybellines and Dumb and Dumber to flirt. The show doesn't actually reveal any of the lovey dovey exchanges between them, but I'm certain it goes something like this:

"Babe, you're hot!"

"Hee-hee-hee!"

"Babe, your ass is pink! And hot!"

"Tee-hee-hee! Hee-hee-hee!"

"Wowzers, hot, dude, really hot!"

"Hee-hee-hee! Hee-hee-hee! Hee-hee-hee!"

The Maybellines then give confessionals where each of them likes one of the Dumb and Dumber and they think that there are some "special" connections going on, as special as two people can get when they have just met in three days under stressed-out circumstances, that is. Forgive me if I'm not as charmed by this puked-up "love" thing as the Maybellines are.

The Robfather has another plot, ooh. He explains to the camera that he has greased the palm of the driver with 15 sols so that the driver will only open the front door of the bus and not the back door. This allows he and Ambore, the GOPs, the IVFs, and the RADs, all of whom are seated towards the front of the bus, to get off first when the bus stops. All Teams mentioned are involved with this scheme. In fact, according to Insider, this plot is actually Ray's idea and the Robfather is the one who deals with the driver because his Spanish is the best among all of them. Maybe it's fair then that he doesn't chip in his share of the bribe without telling the others! When the bus stops and the back door remains closed while the Teams are the front quickly dash out, one of the women at the back yells, "That is not cool!" Tell me about it. I'm giggling at the sight.

The RADs' cab reaches the shoeshine union building first and they learn that it's time for a Roadblock. Philo explains that the six-Roadblocks per-person rule is still in effect (yes!) and in this Roadblock, the person who loves shoes (as per the clue) will have to take a shoeshine kit and, accompanied by a local union representative, go out on the streets and get five customers. Once they shine the shoes of the fifth customer, the representative will hand over the next clue. Ray decides to do the Roadblock. Let me guess - Deana will be the one to climb the mountain? Meanwhile, the GOPs decide that GI Joe will do the Roadblock. GI Joe says that he learns all about shoeshining from the Army, as per his schtick of relating everyone he does and says on this show to the Army. Barbie Jane will climb the mountain with Deana. Ambore will tackle the Roadblock. For the IVFs, Joyce will tackle this Roadblock. The other Teams soon catch up, which suggests to me that the 15 sols are too high for the service rendered. Lynn will do it for the Fat Fatales, Greg (I think) for Dumb and Dumber, Debbie for the Lilith Sisters, Susan for Mom and Moan, and finally Gretchen for the Cannon Fodders. Everyone dresses up in shoeshine uniforms - which are less impressive that they sound, really - and then hits the streets.

GI Joe makes pleasant conversation with his first customer. I'm sure he's telling the guy another "confidential" account of him being a POW in Iraq. Ambore flashes a smile and snags a customer. Ray has one too and he doesn't even have to tell his customer to suck it up, imagine that. Joyce breathes over the shoe of the person she is shining. Lynn wails around for a customer, his siren sound driving potential customers away, I suspect, until he finds someone to shine shoes for while letting his tongue hang out from his mouth. I don't know what to say about that tongue thing. Gretchen smears black polish over her customer's socks but I don't think the customer has to heart to complain, not with the cameras around Gretchen. Dumb gets a customer, huh huh huh.

At the end of a frenzied shilling and local-accosting session, GI Joe finishes the Roadblock first, with Ambore close behind. They rush back to the union building where they learn that they have "won" tickets for the first flight of two that will take them to Santiago, Chile. In Chile, Teams must take a funicular to the famous Statue of the Virgin Mary where their next clue awaits. The second flight leaves 45 minutes later after the first, by the way.

As Teams quickly finish up, Joyce stands on the street corner, wild-eyed and terrifying to look at, and shrieks for anyone to take pity on her and get their shoes shined by her. I think she probably scares more people away looking and sounding like that. In the meantime, Ambore and Ray help their Teams to secure seats on the early flight along with the GOPs. Mom and Moan and the Cannon Fodders also make it back in time to make it on the first flight. Everyone happily takes off in cabs to the airport.

Oops, it's Brian, not Greg, who is polishing the shoes for Dumb and Dumber. I get it now - Brian's the taller one. Anyway, they and the Fat Fatales finish at the back, rounding up the Teams that will be on the later flight along with the Lilith Sisters, the IVFs, and the Maybellines. Dumb and Dumber are so happy to be going to "San Diego, Chile". An understandable mistake, I'm sure. In their cab, Alex is not happy about being in the back of the pack. Lynn says that it's not so bad because they are "good at pulling up the rear!" Oh, I get it now - they're trying to prove that not all gay men are witty and funny! As I've said in the previous season about Rebecca - a joke isn't funny when it's delivered in a heavy-handed "Look at this! Am I not funny? Laugh, laugh, laugh!" manner.

Philo explains that the two flights will be making stops at Lima and Buenos Aires before arriving at Santiago. He also talks about the Teams having to locate the Statue of the Virgin Mary. And then, the first plane has landed. Patrick and Susan grab a cab and Patrick bonds with his driver. Maybe they'll exchange postcards after the show. Cut to the funicular departure area, where the Robfather and Ambore along with the GOPs are already getting out of their cabs and onto a funicular. Some calm before the storm is enjoyed when they ooh and aah at the scenery. The RADs are the next to show up. Elsewhere, Gretchen frets about the traffic while Patrick begins to flirt by asking the driver how long will it take for them to get there. Back to the Robcouple and the GOPs, those two locate the clue stand before the Statue and learn that it's now time for a Detour.

Philo steps up to explain that in "Shop", Teams must go to a restaurant two miles from here to obtain a list of ingredients. Teams must then go to the nearby market and obtain these ingredients. In "Schlep", Teams must go to a bookstore two miles from here and collect 180 books and deliver them to the Library of Congress in Santiago. The Robfather and Ambore discuss both Detours and decide to opt for "Schlep" because as the Robfather tells her, they will have to shop for the ingredients using their own money, money which have been mostly used to grease the palms of happy Peruvians and Chileans everywhere. The GOPs also decide to opt for the schlep.

The second flight lands and the Teams on it start to scramble for cabs.

The RADs reach the top of the mountain and decide to opt for schleps too. The Cannon Fodders and Mom and Moan arrive pretty much at the same time. As much as the Cannon Fodders try to look concerned as they wait in the funicular for Mom and Moan, Patrick and Susan realize that they don't have enough local currency to pay for the funicular ride. Since I'm sure they haven't been doing their share of bribing the locals, it can't be that they have used up their money. I suspect that they must have neglected to convert enough American dollars into peso. The ticket counter lady refuses to accept US dollars, they can't find people on the street willing to exchange currency with them, so Susan tells Patrick that they have to beg for money. What a pity that the Robfather doesn't zoom past them at that point so that the Robfather can stick his head out of the window and give them the raspberry. As Meredith and Gretchen sit in the funicular and try to peek at what Susan and Patrick are doing, Mom and Moan manage to locate an American who is willing to exchange some pesos with their American currency. They return to the funicular, only to realize that it has left, taking Meredith and Gretchen with it, and Mom and Moan will have to wait ten minutes for the next funicular. Plenty of time, I'm sure, for Patrick to plot for the Robfather's downfall.

At the bookstore, the Robfather and Ambore learn that they are free to take any 180 books of their choice. The Robfather tells Ambore to collect books of the same size. To the camera, he voices-over that he has a background in construction work so he knows how to lay about the books to build a most stable stack possible. That explains why he and Ambore stack all 180 books in their cart while the GOPs fill their cart about 100 books before taking off.

The Lilith Sisters manage to catch up with Mom and Moan while the latter are waiting for the funicular and the GLAMs hug and act happy to see each other. Up, the Cannon Fodders decide to shop because they believe that 180 books are too heavy for them to carry. Speaking of books, the Robfather and Ambore have stacked four stacks of books on their cart, with those books facing different directions in alternate order, sort of like a wall made of books instead of bricks. They wheel the books out to the street and bump into the GOPs. The GOPs' pile collapses and those two have to scramble around to restack their books while the Robcouple happily move on to the Library of Congress, all 180 books in one cart, mission accomplished in one trip. How can I not love a Team who does things like this? The RADs show up at the bookstore and they too stack all 180 books on a cart. But unlike the Robcouple, they don't seem to know where the Library is and start to argue.

The IVFs and the Fat Fatales make their way to the funicular. Way behind, Dumb and Dumber realize that their cab driver can't speak English and declare that such a situation is ridiculous. Everyone must speak English! It's the law! The Maybellines in another cab believe that their cab driver has no idea where he is going. Since he too can't speak English, all these self-proclaimed take-charge leaders can do is to hope for the best.

The Cannon Fodders have to wait for four minutes before the funicular will take them down the mountain, so this gives the Lilith Sisters and Mom and Moan the opportunity to catch up. Elsewhere, the RADs are arguing, not over where the Library is, believe it or not, but over the fact that Deana finds those books heavy and Ray finds the map hard to read. It's amazing how these two can find a way to blame the other person for things that the other person has nothing to do with whatsoever. Do people actually fight over such things, or have I just not been watching talkshows long enough? Back to the mountain, the Lilith Sisters decide to go for the books while the cash-strapped Mom and Moan have the brilliant plan to go shopping. Hey, why not? They may as well buy themselves a clue while they're at it.

Gretchen is dismayed when she sees the two Teams catch up with her and Meredith and she wails dramatically, "No!" Still, it's not that bad. While the Lilith Sisters manage to get onto the same funicular as the self-proclaimed treacherous senior citizens, Mom and Moan manage to miss the funicular one more time. In the meantime, the IVFs and the Fat Fatales are on their way up when they pass the Cannon Fodders and the Lilith Sisters who are on their way down. Gretchen waves at the Fat Fatales who are agog that the two old coots have actually beaten them. Beaten in hauling rear ends by old people! Ohmigosh! Poor Alex and Lynn will never live this one down. Gretchen declares to the camera that she is going to "shop until we drop!" Back at home, her children make her swear never to try to emulate the girls on old Saved By The Bell reruns without their prior approval. The Fat Fatales and the IVFs, once they reach the top and learn of the Detour, decide to shop. They catch up with Mom and Moan and all take the funicular down. Patrick proposes an alliance. The other Teams are not too keen on the idea, alas. Patrick's plan for world domination isn't working out too well. All Teams mentioned in this paragraph grab cabs to take them to their relevant destinations. Is the previous sentence the most boring ever in a recap of this show?

The Cannon Fodders reach the market first and they wander about to the restaurant, which is just a short distance away, to obtain their shopping list. Meredith seems taken aback by the first item on the list, a fish that weighs three kilograms. He thinks that a fish weighing three kilograms must be one big fish indeed. It's a big fish, but it's not too big a fish. He's obviously an American. That country refuses to use the same measurement systems, not to mention spelling and sports nomenclature, as the rest of the world and then they think it is funny when the rest of the world find them funny.

The Robcouple make an entrance into the library where the extras from those Harry Potter movies earn extra bucks playing attentive attendants here. As the Robfather and Ambore shelf the books they have brought to the Library, the attendant finishes counting the books they have brought in and hand over their next Clue. They can now head straight to the Pit Stop. Philo explains that the Pit Stop for this leg of the Race is the Santa Lucia Hill, a forested hill in the middle of the city. He doesn't explain that it was at the foot of this hill that Conquistador Pedro de Valdivia founded the city of Santiago in 1541 but now you know. Philo is waiting with the VIP at the finishing mat before the statue of Neptune on this Hill. The Robfather and Ambore waste no time running out of the Library. The GOPs have brought only 112 books so they have to make another trip for the remaining 68. Barbie Jane says that she knows they should have brought all 180 books in one trip. Hmmmph! Outside, the Robcouple is already getting a cab to take them to the Pit Stop.

On the streets, Deana complains that he has run over her ankle with that cart. He insists that it can't be his fault. She must have put her leg there in his way on purpose, I suppose. Then again, it's hard to be critical of him alone when she is coming off like a whiny, irritating person in her own right. They are still looking for the Library. Back at the bookstore, Barbie Jane announces that they need 78 books. "How about 68?" he asks her in that sharp, humorlessly sarcastic manner that college lecturers used to mock their students. I should know because I used to be a college student and, later, a lecturer. Okay, so Barbie Jane isn't good at counting. Any more dumb beauty pageant queen stereotype on her part that I should be aware of?

The Robfather and Ambore step onto the Pit Stop as team number one. Philo gives them a trip to Bahamas (so their honeymoon is covered already, thanks American Airlines) and then chats to them about how they are feeling about the Race so far. Since Philo claims to have never watched an episode of Survivor and he isn't even aware of who these two are until they are cast on the Race, it's hard to imagine that he can warm up to these two like that so obviously. It is as if he has been given orders to butter-up and schmooze the Robfather. Or maybe he's just a weak, foolish mortal like me. Hi, Philo! He can sit next to me at the next Robfatherholics Anonymous meeting. Ambore gives a confessional about she wouldn't have won All-Stars Survivor or be on this Race were not for the Robfather, which would sound really cheesy if coming from another woman. But coming from Ambore, all that isn't cheesy because all that is true. She wouldn't have won the million dollars or extend her fameho career beyond Survivor if the Robfather isn't her symbiote on both shows. If you are keeping track of the time, the Robcouple has finished the Race about 35 minutes into the show. The remaining 25 minutes will be shared among the losers, hah.

Meredith and Gretchen are in shock when they realize that they need to pay 8,400 pesos for the three-kilogram fish. They wail that they don't have money and try to get the price down to - you'll love this - 1,000 pesos. I tried that once in a boutique, asking them to rack down the price of the $3,000 dress to a more reasonable $500 and they kick me out of the store. Mindful of the cameras on him, perhaps, or tired of Gretchen's high-pitched wailings penetrating his brain, he finally agrees to just give the fish to her. Oh, I hope nobody eats that fish. I bet there's something rotten in it for him to give it away like that. And having been given a fish for free by the fishmonger, Gretchen orders him to wrap it up pronto. She doesn't snap her fingers at his face, so I guess she's still a decent human being. With the fish in hand, Gretchen and her high-pitched banshee wail of doom along with her husband move on to their next victim.

Dumb and Dumber head up the funicular and reach the top only to decide to stack some books. The Maybellines take the next funicular, realize that they are last, and decide to shop. Ahead, the GOPs finish stacking their 68 books and begin making their way back to the Library. Back in the bookstore, the Lilith Sisters begin stacking their books into the cart. I sigh when they tell each other that the only way to do this Detour is to make two trips to the Library.

The Fat Fatales, the IVFs, and Mom and Moan get their shopping list in that order and stalk the market. Because it will come into play later and the camera keeps zooming in on the scale, it is worth noting that the Cannon Fodders and the Fat Fatales' fish weigh one or two grams under three kilograms while the IVFs are smart enough to get a fish that weighs three and a half kilograms. Elsewhere, Dumb and Dumber stop a cab to take them to the bookstore while the Maybellines stop another cab to take them to the market. The GOPs finish shelving their 68 books and rush for the Pit Stop. The RADs finally locate the Library, where it is a short work of shelving the books before running out of the library for a cab to the Pit Stop.

Without ado, the GOPs are team number two.

The Lilith Sisters shelf their first 90 books in the Library before heading back to the bookstore for another 90.

The RADs come in to the Pit Stop as team number three.

Mom and Moan realize that they need to pay 9,000 pesos for the fish and predictably wail that they have no money. Because they lack Gretchen's piercing wall of doom or they think they have too much class to ask for giveaways, they decide to head out to the streets and beg for money. I'm sure there is a good reason that a cash-strapped Team will choose to perform a Detour that involves spending of money but they will have to sit me down and explain it to me because I really don't see this reason at all. Unless the reason is "Mom and Moan are really stupid", that is.

Gretchen is shrieking "Chicololo" as she and her husband stalk the market. I don't know what that is but whatever it is, she and her husband are soon directed to a stall where they get to purchase every other remaining item on their list. Happy, they make their way back to the restaurant with their purchases. The Fat Fatales find a different place to buy the rest of the items on their list, and when faced with a shortage of money, begs and pleads until the shopkeeper throws in the onions for free. Maybe the show people should have changed "shop" in the Detour to "beg". The IVFs get their items without ado. In the meantime, Mom and Moan manage to get enough money for the fish (and I hope, the other items) and resume shopping.

At the bookstore, the Lilith Sisters leave with their second 90 books and shortly after that, Dumb and Dumber show up. Calling themselves the "stackomatic brothers", they begin to stack those books after deciding that there is absolutely no way that they can finish this Detour in less than two trips. Amateurs, all of them, I tell you. ("Come on, be gentle with these guys. This must be the first time in who-knows-how-long that they hold a book that isn't a skin magazine in their hands," says the hubby.)

Elsewhere, the Maybellines begin to shop. Meanwhile, the Cannon Fodders are told that their fish is a hundred grams below the stipulated weight of three kilograms and they have to come back with a fish that has the correct weight. The Fat Fatales show up and have their fish rejected for the same reason. Because the IVFs have a fish that is supposed to weigh more than three kilograms, their fish make the cut and the IVFs are now free to head to the Pit Stop. They are happy to have beaten some teams to get where they are. All it takes is a weighted scale. Life can be so simple that way sometimes.

Gretchen is back and I'm sure nobody at the market is happy to see, or rather, hear her as she is back at it, begging in her high-pitch wailings for yet one more free fish. After asking for it to be wrapped up (of course), she demands to know how she can leave the market to get back to the restaurant. Everyone there, I notice, practically falls over each other trying to push her out of the market. I wonder why. This time, the fish weighs just right and the Cannon Fodders are sent on their way to the Pit Stop. Some market vendors sigh in relief when they hear that Gretchen is never coming back in a long, long time.

The Fat Fatales try a different approach with the fishmonger. They accuse him of having a "rigged scale" and demand their money back. Needless to say, the vendors around the fishmonger form a mob and with lots of booings and probably even curses in Spanish, drive those two out of the place. "Monkeys! Bitches!" Lynn spits during his ignoble exit. Mom and Moan are actually finishing up in their shopping without much ado. The Fat Fatales obtain their fish at a different stall and Lynn giggles because he is so sure that the whole country hates him now. He is seriously overestimating his importance in the scheme of things. He and Alex get a heavier fish this time around and they too are finally released from the Detour to go to the Pit Stop.

The IVFs are team number four. They are surprised that they actually made it this far up in this leg of the Race. If they keep this up, they are on their way, surely.

Gretchen is wailing at the Pit Stop. "Is this the right fountain?" she shrieks. "I don't see anybody!" Oh, my ears. That woman is a menace when she opens her mouth, I tell you.

The Lilith Sisters drop off the 90 books and are on their way. Debbie credits the "success" of this Team to her excellent Spanish. The Spanish must be excellent, since it helps them drop from first to who-knows-what place, but is it as good as the Spanish of the Friends of Gulliver? Anyone needs a doctoro? After they have left, Dumb and Dumber show up to drop off their first batch of books. They quickly hush when they enter the place because they have never seen so many books in one place before.

The Maybellines get a fish. It weighs over three kilograms, so weighted scale or not, that fish should do the trick. Mom and Moan actually finish the Detour with little fuss and are now free to go to the Pit Stop.

The Cannon Fodders can't find the entrance to the Pit Stop and Meredith is slowly turning on Gretchen in his frustration while Gretchen responds by being, ugh, louder. How do I know that Meredith is annoyed? He starts addressing himself in third person. "Meredith is trying his best!" he snaps at his wife when Gretchen thinks that he's taking too long to locate the correct entrance. My husband better not try that third-person thing on me if he doesn't want me to shriek like Gretchen in response.

The Fat Fatales get out of their cab at the Pit Stop and still have time to haggle over the fare. Meanwhile, the Lilith Sisters approach and the show tries to suggest that they and the Fat Fatales end up in some dash to the finishing mat. Philo cocks his head as he hears someone approaching. And... the Fat Fatales come in at fifth place. Ugh. The Lilith Sisters come in sixth. The Cannon Fodders come in seventh, all the way she nagging at him to fix his hair. I don't know whether to laugh at these two or just cringe because while I feel some embarrassment at how they - Gretchen especially - try so hard to come off as hip and cool when in truth they are just some loud and rather irritating everyday old people, a part of me also realize that hubby and I could easily behave like them if we are not careful. We try not to. No, after watching these two, we vow not to.

Mom and Moan step up to the mat as team number eight.

The Maybellines finish up. Dumb and Dumber finish up (one of them starts to cheer but the other hushes him up by telling him to use his "library voice"). The Maybellines get a cab. Dumb and Dumber get a cab. Dramatic music plays. This is so exciting, it's like Romeo and Juliet all over again, only this time Romeo buys a hairspray instead of poison by accident, Juliet runs away to meet Romeo only to realize that she'd like to go back and watch the latest episode of The Newlyweds first, and then Romeo trips on his hairspray and faints after hitting his head against the bed, Juliet thinks he is dead and tries to slash her wrists, only to end up screaming in pain and waking up the whole house. So Romeo and Juliet are grounded for life, the end. Back to the Race, the two Teams are actually neck-to-neck from the street to the Pit Stop, but ultimately Dumb and Dumber beat the Maybellines to finish in ninth place.

Dumb and Dumber are so relieved to remain in the Race and lean against a wall panting and huffing until Philo reminds them that the Maybellines are coming in last. They stand up straight and try to look sad. They hug the Maybellines - copping a feel in the process - and the show pretends that the Maybellines and Dumb and Dumber are, like, torn apart because they will not be having sex at the Pit Stop tonight. The Maybellines talk about how proud they are to have lasted until the deep, impossible reaches of two legs in this Race and hope that Dumb and Dumber will win. That way, they will all go to Cancun together, whee! Whatever, gals. You can see yourselves out, I'm sure.

Before YouTube, recapping music videos is totally a thing and not a waste of time. Really..

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