THE AMAZING RACE

Season 7 Episode 6: Houston, We Have an Elephant

Previously, the show tries to grab some more Emmies by showing typical scenes such as people of minority crying and reaching out for children in third-world countries and old women surviving injury to shoulder on (never mind that she isn't a competent Racer to begin with - she didn't die so we should now love Gretchen). Dumb and Dumber are deified as the new kind of heroes for the dumb and the spazzed-out everywhere. The RADs get their butts kicked out of the Race before they turn really ugly and make the show truly unpleasant to watch and the Robcouple generated some scandal of sorts because they didn't stop to see whether anyone died when Dumb and Dumber flipped their vehicle and sent a cameraman flying. It is okay for Dumb and Dumber to drive recklessly because everyone is supposed to like them but the Robcouple can't do anything right so it's lynch mob season time - or so it seems if you gauge the reaction of the media and the fans after that two-hour episode.

Credits. All the GOPs seem to have to recommend them is teeth - plenty of them. It's quite sad, really.

Philo Koughie stands before the grasslands and announces that he is standing at the Makgadikgadi Pan, the largest salt pan in the world with a surface which Philo says is reminiscent of the surface of the moon, right in the Kalahari. Look, animals! Ooh, cute, lovely animals! This is the Pit Stop of the previous leg of the Race and this is where this leg of the Race will commence from. He tries to drum up some viewer interest in the GOPs and receive the answer in a clue envelope: no, thanks. He wonders whether Dumb and Dumber will find a way to get out of last place.

5:29 am. The GOPs get ready to leave. GI Joe is wearing a shirt that says "Army". Since he's a modest guy who doesn't want to exploit his POW experiences for fame, I have no doubt that the straps of his backpack block the letters "S" and "M" before the "Army" from view. Their clue tells them to drive some 141 miles past the city of Maun to a water tower in Sankuyo Village. Travel Network enthusiasts may prick their ears at Philo's mention of Sankuyo Village because just north of the village is the Botswana Safari. Actually, the road from Sankuyo Village splits so that the right turn will take you to the Mababe Gate of the Chobe National Park while the left turn will take you to the Khwai river. Ding, ding, ding - we're going to the safari today, woo-hoo! As the GOPs get ready to leave in their vehicle, Barbie Jane gives this truly perplexing confessional where she says that she has been reading the Bible before she starts the Race, substituting "love" in the passages she has been reading with her name, in order to get her in the mood to treat with understanding and, as she says, "to forgive" GI Joe. Oh dear, another self-professed Good Christian on TV to make everyone else believe that the religion is one for neurotic wackos. Understandably, perhaps, in his confessional GI Joe says that he isn't thinking about his relationship with Barbie Jane (no doubt because she's not giving him any booty, with her being a good Beauty Pageant Christian and all that). I don't blame him. Maybe he should ditch that weirdo Barbie Jane and hook up with some free-loving left-wing hippie for a change.

5:43 am. Well, they must have had a good rest previously because the Robcouple look more perky and good-natured as opposed to being half-asleep in the start of the previous episode. Can I expect to get some good Racing today then? As they get into their vehicle, Ambore says to the camera that while she is having fun on the Race, she thinks that it is even better that the Robcouple are actually having fun and enjoying each other's company in the meantime. Get ready for a talkative Ambore because this episode will actually feature quite a lot of her, probably in an attempt to downplay the whole "Ambore is useless and has no personality" criticism levelled at her. The Robcouple says that they have no friends left on the Race after the RADs are gone so they are now playing for themselves. Aw, how romantic, it's just the two of them against the whole world. As he drives, the Robfather looks around him as morning comes to Botswana and says what a beautiful country this is. It's a beautiful day to kick some ass too, if I may say so myself.

5:51 am. The IVFs finish counting the amount of money they receive for this leg of the Race ($85) and get into their vehicle. Joyce expresses her delight at being in Africa and Uchenna reveals that his father was from Nigeria so to him, it feels amazing to put his feet on the soil where his ancestors "actually are from". There is a Gollum joke in that statement of his about his ancestors coming from the soil but these two are so nice, I don't have the heart to make that joke. At least until Joyce stumbles into a cave again. As they leave in their vehicle, the IVFs notice that there are route markers along the road showing them which way to go. Never let it be said that Bonghammer doesn't pamper his Racers.

5:52 am. The Fat Fatales leave. They really need to get a new storyline or a better shtick because their whole nonsense about "playing fair, only sneaky" and the whole crap about how they are playing the Race like nobody else (only they will know how their gameplay is so unique), all delivered in the style of an epileptic Nathan Lane stand-up act, are really old by now. They leave. Pffft!

6:12 am. Happy music commences because the Cannon Fodders are leaving. In a way, the happy music is appropriate because this Team is like cockroaches. They just won't go away even if they make huge mistakes in a leg. I suspect that even if they accidentally board a train to a different country, they will still make it to the next leg because some other Team would have taken a plane to a different country in a different continent. These two are lucky that way, although I'll see whether the luck holds when the numbers dwindle further week by week.

6:22 am. "Big bucks... big bucks... no Whammy!" I used to watch that show back in those days. Anyway, I'm sure Dumb and Dumber are fans of Press Your Luck because they have plenty of spare time to watch daytime TV, being that they are, after all, "actors" and "bouncers", which are synonymous with "unemployed aspiring actors". In their vehicle, Dumb and Dumber ponder the possibility of taking out the Cannon Fodders. Brian believes that the Cannon Fodders are just ahead of them, not because the Cannon Fodders left just ten minutes before them like logic would tell them, but because the bushman from the previous leg has taught Brian how to read tracks. Wow, I'm impressed. Next thing I know, he will be telling me that I was caught in the rain without an umbrella, not because I am standing before him drenched completely, but because he can tell that it's raining outside thanks to some bushman ability to detect changes in the air pressure around him. As they drive and admire the sunrise, they tell each other they have seen many sunrises together. Greg tells Brian that they should be dating each other. Uh, what can I say? I totally support that notion. Like Silent Bob and Jay, Harold and Kumar, Timon and Pumbaa, and of course, the two gay idiots from Dude, Where's My Car?, Dumb and Dumber need to start shagging like bunnies and release the home video. Dumb guys boffing each other are so fawking hawt!

The GOPs, far ahead, reach a junction. According to the sign ahead of them, the left will take them to Maun and the right goes to Nata. GI Joe wonders which way he should go. Barbie Jane impatiently tells him that she had read the clue to him earlier - they should turn left to Maun. GI Joe for some reason is hesitant to turn to Maun even if there are route markers on the road indicating that he should turn to Maun. Is this where I make a joke about GI Joe back then in Iraq stumbling upon a sign saying "Left to US Encampment, Right to Evil Iraqi Torturers" and he running right anyway because he didn't trust the sign or remember which way he was supposed to go? Back to them, Barbie Jane then asks in a cloying manner whether she has gotten on his nerves. He tells her no and then smiles tightly to himself, as if there are some gruesome scenes of torture running in his head starring Barbie Jane.

A little behind the GOPs, the Robfather and Ambore make the turn to Maun and soon are thrilled when an ostrich takes her morning jog beside their vehicle. More ostriches show up around them, prompting Ambore to tell the camera that she has always wanted to visit a safari and now that she is, she and the Robfather are having the time of their lives while trying to remember that they are doing all this because they are two of the luckiest people around. She's not blowing her trumpet as much as she is trying to tell the camera that the Robcouple are aware that they are getting to run this far on the Race and experiencing all the experiences that come along with it because they are just that - lucky people. There's no need to be humble, really, those two. Just come out and admit that they have the Racing skills to go along with the luck!

The IVFs show up next at the junction and they slowly make a turn towards Maun. Maybe after getting lost like ten times a day, they are checking to make sure that the sign points to Maun and not, say, Maui. The Fat Fatales are right behind them and impatiently they decide to overtake the IVFs. As they do that, they honk at the IVFs. The IVFs moan about their always being overtaken by other people. And whose fault is that, may I ask? Ugh, if only these two are better Racers! The Fat Fatales soon seen cows parading themselves to take in the healthy morning sun (plenty of Vitamin D, you know - like the jogging fanatic ostriches, the cows are conscious about their health) and make plenty of unoriginal cracks, including Lynn's "How now, brown cow, haw haw!" when they manage to honk and drive a cow out of their way. They can hoot and laugh when they see a cow block the way behind them, right before the IVFs' vehicle. The IVFs have to honk, wave hands, and Joyce even threatens to get out of the vehicle to do some serious cow-busting when the cow wisely decides to move out of the way.

The Cannon Fodders seem to be driving around a town. They locate what seems like a water tower and waste time looking around until they realize that they are at the wrong place. Gretchen realizes when she rereads the clue that they have to pass Maun first. It looks like they haven't even reached Maun yet then. They get back inside their vehicle and go on their merry way. Dumb and Dumber also come across a water tower. It looks like a different water tower though. They too get out of their vehicles to look around.

The GOPs are now at the actual water tower in Sankuyo Village and realize that it's now time for a Detour. Philo steps out to explain that Teams will have to carry a tray of corns, a bucket of water, and a tray of grain-like thingies - one at a time, of course - on their heads and walk for a distance of 70 yards across the clearing without using their hands or dropping the container on their heads in "Carry It". In "Milk It", Teams must catch one of the many goats wandering around the pens and obtain enough milk to fill a cup to a volume indicated by a line near the rim of the cup. Philo insists that milking a cow isn't easy, as if anyone who can't balance things on the head has any other option.

The GOPs decide to try their hands at "Carry It" because GI Joe thinks that Barbie Jane, who knew ballet, would excel in this. She doesn't. He seems to be doing decently as he moves slowly across the clearing with a bucket of water on his head, but she stops after a few steps and announces that she can't do this Detour. He says that she can put it on her head and start walking, as if that isn't what she is trying to do at the moment, sheesh. She reasonably tells him, with a hint of impatience in her voice, that while she may be a ballerina, she doesn't do pirouettes with a bucket of water on her head. That's fair because balancing yourself on the floor is not the same as balancing something on your head. Both require coordination but doing one well doesn't mean that one can do the other just as well. I should know, I was a flop in ballet class when I was younger but I could carry a book on my head and run around the field without dropping it. GI Joe asks her whether she wants to change Detours because the rule requires them to announce this before starting on the other Detour. She says that she does and they head off to the goat pens, all the while he muttering in disgust that "Miss Ballet" cannot balance a bucket on her head. I wonder where this bizarre impression that ballerinas practice with buckets and plates on their heads arise from. Is that an Iraqi ballet thing? Hmmm.

The Robcouple show up and unnecessarily remark that another Team has beaten them to the water tower. I think they need lessons from Brian's bushman Yoda. The Robcouple decide to try their hands at milking. Ambore chuckles and says that the Detour should be interesting. The Race designers, hearing this, give each other a high-five.

Back to Dumb and Dumber, they can't see any clue stand so Brian has this bright idea to climb up the water tower to see whether the clue is up there. He has climbed a short distance when Greg, reading the clue, points out that the clue should be "under" the water tower, not "above". Brian climbs back down and mutters that they are all idiots. They have no disagreements about that from me. Brian says that he is "pissed". Why, because they have no spades to start digging under the water tower to see if the clue is buried under it? Unfortunately, I don't get to see them dig - which would be hilarious - because they realize that they are "probably" at the wrong water tower and get back inside their vehicle. Only then do they realize that they have to drive through Maun first.

The GOPs grab a goat. They must tether the goat to a post designed to hold the goat in place by the horns. As they try to do this, the camera makes sure to zoom in on Barbie Jane's cleavage. Christian cleavage is all the rage, I hear. I suspect that she has borrowed that red cleavage-bearing top from Hayden of the previous season. When they see the Robcouple approaching the goat pen, they are not happy. Barbie Jane tells GI Joe that they should have stuck with their initial Detour. GI Joe correctly reminds her impatiently that it was she who wanted them to bail on the carrying Detour. Oops, she doesn't have anything to say to that.

Meanwhile, the Robcouple notice the GOPs struggling with their goat and assume that it is faster if they try the other Detour. Now, I know they have been on a show with the acronym of ASS, but the saying about them putting the ASS in "assume" still holds in more ways than one. Ambore has no problems carrying a tray of corns on her head. The Robfather, however, has problems - maybe because he removes his cap when it could have offered some support in his efforts - although he is sweet enough to tell her that she is doing a great job while he is picking up the cobs that have fallen from his tray onto the ground. The female supervisors giggle as they walk past him with trays on their heads. He tells them good-naturedly not to "show off". Ambore notices his struggling and asks him whether he wants them to change Detour. In what seems to be a retaliation to his asking her to make a decision now back at the cooling tower in the previous leg, she is asking him to make a decision now near the water tower. He decides that they have to switch Detours again and they rush to the goat pens.

GI Joe is milking the goat while Barbie Jane seems to be trying to be hypnotize the goat into standing still with her cleavage. Whatever she's doing by leaving over to the goat and over the camera like that - maybe God loves women who flaunt them, perhaps? - well, it's not working with the goat. The Robcouple grab a goat. It rears up, prompting the Robfather to tell the goat to watch its horns. The GOPs are still arguing because GI Joe is unable to get over the fact that Barbie Jane doesn't balance buckets on her head. She insists that there is no way that she could have carried the bucket on her head but he seems determined to believe that she can. Let me just consider those two bizarre people as weirdos and move on to other Teams.

In their vehicle, the Fat Fatales are discussing about whether they should buy a vehicle exactly like the one they're driving when they get home. Lynn wants to but Alex is wondering why they would need one in LA. I won't know the answer to that but the neighbors should buy one so that they can use it to run the annoying Fat Fatales down.

A goat is bleating because GI Joe, in his own words, "got" the goat's "nipple in a noose". He has such a way with naughty bedroom talk, I swoon at his eloquence. Some goats bleat, although they aren't being milked. The Robfather says that those goats are jealous because they aren't being milked by Ambore. He and Ambore seem to believe that the goat they are milking is male. If that goat is male... well, let's just say I'm glad I am not standing near that place. I don't want to have any of those male goat milk on my shoes or pants, thanks very much.

Finally, the Fat Fatales, the IVFs, and the Cannon Fodders catch up with the GOPs and the Robcouple at the water tower. The IVFs decide to go for the balancing act while the other two decide to squeeze white stuff out of fleshy objects. Hmm, no wonder the Fat Fatales go for that Detour with gusto. At the Horny Goat Pen, Ambore squeezes a particularly plentiful gush of milk into the cup, causing the Robfather to go, "This is the best teat so far!" And ain't teat's the truth. The Fat Fatales, upon reaching the pen, spot the Robcouple. Lynn, the self-proclaimed "better than the Robfather" moralist in the previous leg, immediately starts clapping his hands and making bleating sounds to drive the Robcouple's goat into acting up. Alex tells him that maybe it's easier to try the balancing Detour and Lynn agrees so those two quickly run off to join the IVFs. Seeing them leave, the Robfather shakes his head. Sometimes that's the only thing he can do when faced by loud, obnoxious flaming fatties. Meanwhile, the Cannon Fodders are looking over the goats. Naturally Gretchen has to open her mouth and say, "Here's a goat that has nice big teats!"

As the IVFs start out with the trays of corn, the Fat Fatales are struggling with the balancing Detour. Lynn assures Alex that "it" would be just like "modelling". Don't ask me how Lynn knows anything about modeling. The only modelling act he will get is being the nude centerfold in Flaming Fatty Burgers. In the meantime, the IVFs are so adorable as they whisk through carrying the first sets of trays with ease, with Uchenna even whistling as he walks while Joyce spreads her arms for balance and manages to turn that action into a cute little jig when she reaches the other end. Alex can carry the tray for a short distance but Lynn can't even manage to carry it on his head for a second. He tells Alex that they need to switch Detours. As they leave, Lynn says that the IVFs are "born to do this". It could be a complimentary remark, I suppose, as in saying "You were born to play music!" to a gifted pianist, for example, but if I take his statement in context with "Tupac" and "Compton" in Johannesburg and "dogs" and "bitches" in Buenos Aires, I don't think I am that optimistic. I have this unfortunate feeling that Lynn is going to find himself stinking like crap while the Robfather will come off as the much nicer man by the end of the season if Lynn keeps saying things like that. I don't care if he does but I think he cares a lot about being seen as a better person than the Robfather.

Barbie Jane offers to help with the milking but GI Joe tells her that there is nothing she can do as he knows how to milk the goat. He has, after all, its nipple in the noose while she can't even carry a bucket. Barbie Jane complains to the camera that GI Joe is acting like a drill sargeant. Well, he was in the Army so I don't blame him for that. She knows that he was from the Army and not born a POW, right? Anyway, she can't carry a bucket but she's starting to sound like she wants to kick his bucket hard. Meanwhile, porn music plays as Ambore milks the cow and, while he holds the cup under the udder, the Robfather offers his encouragement to Ambore in a slow, hypnotic, sensual croon. "Yeah, slowly, squeeze it like that, open up, baby, yes, firmly squeeze..." You get the idea, I hope. Should I be embarrassed to admit that I have to fan myself after listening to him? I think I need to see a shrink.

Uchenna takes the last item to carry on his head, the bucket of water, and as he carries it happily, he tells Joyce to "feel the water". It must be due to the porn music and the Robfather's voice in the previous scene because I can't help feeling that Uchenna has said something dirty. Joyce tells him that she is right behind him. She isn't, heh. She is standing at the starting point trying to balance the bucket.

The GOPs finally finish with enough milk to get their next clue. They must now travel to Khwai river for their next clue. In their vehicle, the GOPs continue to argue. She tells him that she wanted to do some milking too and he tells her that she could have carried the bucket of water in the first place. Why do I have this feeling that they are arguing at the same time about different things? I find it strange that GI Joe keeps going on and on about Barbie Jane's inability to carry a bucket on her head. Maybe he is angry with her for something else, like her refusal to give him nookies at the previous Pit Stop. Barbie Jane tells him to get over her inability to carry that bucket on her head. I don't want to agree with this crazy woman but yes, really, GI Joe should get over that. There should be some rule to force these two to continue the rest of the Race in silence.

Between the Robfather's sensual croonings and Ambore's skilled handjob (ahem), the goat is more than happy to fill up their cup to the required level. As the Robcouple leave, the Fat Fatales squeal that the Robcouple have "finished" (and so's the goat, really) because they are so annoyed when the Robcouple do anything well. They have more wacky dancing to show off at the Pit Stop, after all, and they can't do that if the selfish Robcouple keep beating them in everything!

The IVFs are done carrying the buckets of water and they are happy to receive their next clue. Uchenna even opens the door of the vehicle for Joyce because, as he says, "Ladies first!" What a sweet guy. Sigh. If only they are better Racers! As they leave, Uchenna explains the secret of his success at the Detour. He has seen the people in his village doing the same as the people in this village so he ascribes his success to his African roots "kicking in". I hope the people in his village are better Racers than he and his wife are because that has better be kicking in soon as well.

The Fat Fatales try to corner a goat but the goat in question isn't cooperating, prompting Lynn to snap at it, "Stop that!" Surprisingly, that seems to work as the next thing I know, they are getting down to milking the goat. Lynn, as he and Alex milk the goat, is making weird orgasmic sounds that I really don't need to hear before saying that he has now a newfound appreciation for cheese. When the Cannon Fodders actually finish the Detour before the Fat Fatales, Lynn sniffs derisively and says, "Let them go. They're going to get lost. They're so stupid!" What he's saying is definitely what some, maybe many, people watching this show are thinking, but for someone who seems to make it his mission to be a better person than the Robfather, Lynn is apparently on a mission to destroy his image completely by the end of the episode. What is this? Some bizarre scorched earth strategy on his part, where if he can't beat the Robfather, he'd go down in the worst way possible? Having said what he has to say about the Cannon Fodders, Lynn now asks Alex how many gay guys are needed to milk a goat. But since there is no punchline to that joke, I am hard-pressed to even muster a chuckle. Finally, they manage to collect enough milk to receive their clue. As they leave, they wonder where Dumb and Dumber are.

Dumb and Dumber finally reach the water tower after every other Team has left for Khwai river. They decide to milk a goat. As they walk off to grab a hapless goat, they wish that they can have some Frosted Flakes or Cheerios, hopefully served with a cup of smart.

The GOPs drive in silence, both of them staring ahead and no doubt entertaining dark and depressing thoughts about each other. Maybe Barbie Jane is dreaming of getting married to the Robfather while GI Joe dreamily imagines that Ambore is smiling at him. Just behind them, the Robfather in their vehicle points out what he feels is the difference between his Team and the GOPs. Barbie Jane, he believes, doesn't want to get her hands dirty while his "girl" and he use teamwork. True, but he's a little off about Barbie Jane. She wanted to get her hands dirty with the goat but she only wanted to once she realized that it wasn't as hard as she imagined. "My girl got in there and got the job done," he says to the camera. At the backseat, Ambore smiles, pleased at the compliment. That is nothing sweeter than a man complimenting his sweetheart for kicking ass on TV. "My girl can kick your girl's ass!" is the modern sensitive man's equivalent to "My girl has bigger breasts than yours!", don't you know?

The IVFs are distracted in their journey by a herd of gazelles. They pause to admire the grace of the animals. Really, you need to see this episode for yourself to completely understand how beautiful the scenery is. The Race has crossed into animal hinterlands before but this is the first time that wildlife is showcased at its majestic finest. Oh, and the Fat Fatales will be happy to know that the Cannon Fodders, with Meredith following Gretchen's advice to take a beaten track to who-knows-where because she insisted that one of the women at the water tower told her to take that direction, believe that they are lost. But the Fat Fatales may not be gloating too much about their remarkable perception of people because their vehicle breaks down. They have a flat tire but these two can't change it themselves so they have to wait for a replacement vehicle to arrive. They moan, whine, and grumble as they wait. If this is the Robfather, he'd get straight to changing the tire, I tell you. Hmmph! Finally, a truck shows up towing the replacement vehicle behind it. The Fat Fatales gratefully climb in that vehicle and resume their journey.

Dumb and Dumber manage to get some milk in their cup and compare the foam to cappuccino. At the rate these two are going, I hope that it is really milk that they are collecting in their cup. Far ahead, an elephant shows up for his morning jog when he is interrupted by the GOPs and the Robcouple, both Teams surprised and in awe at the sight of its big butt. The GOPs reach the clue stand first and realize that it's now time for a Roadblock. The Robcouple show up shortly after. The clue asks, "Who wants to do a real Roadblock?" In this case, as Philo explains, the Team member who has decided to do this Roadblock must drive the vehicle through a "crocodile-infested river" (more like a pond, actually, and if there are crocodiles, they are either microscopic or they are actually magical invisible crocodiles) before coming across a really lame obstacle course. This person must drag two logs out of the path of their vehicle. GI Joe and the Robfather will be doing the Roadblock.

GI Joe says something about how he is trained to navigate his way through treacherous terrains (except when there are Iraqi troops around because he was captured by them, remember) and hopes that no one people on the Race can be as good as he. Um, okay, good for him. He drives the vehicle through the "river". The Robfather also does the same. Woah, water starts flooding their vehicles. The Robfather chuckles and points out that water is coming in through the air-conditioner vents.

After whooping and laughing excitedly at the sight of a herd of zebras, the IVFs reach the clue stand where Uchenna steps up for the Roadblock. While the previous two men charged through the river like macho men, Uchenna ends up getting the vehicle stalled in the river. Oops. Fortunately, he forcefully starts the engine and the vehicle roars back into action.

The Cannon Fodders see an elephant and Gretchen announces that she is very happy because she has finally seen an elephant. The elephant squints at the wizened old prune making so much noise in the car and wonders to itself, "What is that thing?" Finally, they spot the clue stand and Meredith steps up for the Roadblock. And finally, the Fat Fatales show up. Alex thinks that he should do the Roadblock because Lynn did the last one and they have the six Roadblocks per person rule to consider. But once Alex has announced his intention and they realize what the Roadblock is going to be, the Fat Fatales are dismayed because Alex apparently is no good in handling stick shifts. I know, the joke writes itself sometimes.

Dumb and Dumber finally manage to obtain enough milk to move on from the water tower.

GI Joe and the Robfather reach their first obstacle. Both men come up independently with the same idea to tie the log to the front of the vehicle and then reverse their vehicle so that the log will be dragged to the side of the path. Ambore and Barbie Jane tell their men to hurry. While the Robfather goes about his merry way, no doubt having plenty of practice in tuning out women when he feels like doing it, GI Joe snaps at Barbie Jane to "shut up" because he is trying to complete the Roadblock as fast as he can. Meanwhile, the IVFs are coming to their first log too and Joyce mentions a part of the clue that Philo never explained earlier where Teams, once they have decided on which path they wish to take through the obstacle course, must pull up a pole stuck into the ground near each log they will move to make their mark, so to speak, that they have passed that particular way. Uchenna gets out of the vehicle and pulls not the pole near the log but the ribbon-like material wrapped around the pole. Maybe he's just tired. Ugh. If only the IVFs are better Racers!

The Robfather moves aside his first log and quickly climbs back into his vehicle to make his way to the second log. Realizing that she and GI Joe have fallen into second place, Barbie Jane starts praying to God and asks Him to make GI Joe work faster. God is right now frowning and asking the angel Gabriel, "Do I know these people?" Elsewhere, Uchenna ties the log to the back of the vehicle instead of at the front like the two men did earlier, but that does the job just as well. Oh, and on a distant planet, the Cannon Fodders see some giraffes and go, "Ooh! Giraffes!" (thank you, Gretchen, and please, shut up, please). Meanwhile, Lynn is instructing Alex on how to manipulate the stick shift. The scene is not as dirty as it sounds on paper, alas, but I suppose that the Dirty Jokes quota of the show has been completely used up by the goat-milking Detour. Somewhere else, Dumb and Dumber try to pick up an elephant. The elephant says no because it has a headache.

The Robfather finishes the Roadblock ahead of GI Joe. Philo explains that Teams can now drive straight to the Pit Stop at the Khwai River Lodge. He adds that it is one of the oldest safari lodges in Botswana. An unhappy Barbie Jane scowls at GI Joe when he finishes tying the second log to the vehicle and gets back inside the vehicle to move the log out of their way. They get into this bizarre argument as to whether or not he told her earlier to "shut the eff up" like she insisted that he did. If the episode is anything to go by, he didn't say such a thing although I won't rule out that possibility. GI Joe insists that he didn't say such thing but Barbie Jane is having none of his denials. "You've been acting like a jerk to me all day today! You're a piece of trash redneck!" she tells him. What does she expect, really? He was from the Army. A few F words are to be expected here and there. I am starting to believe that she got into this relationship with GI Joe while carrying an overromanticized and false image of GI Joe as some sort of gentlemanly Republican hero when he's just a soldier who happened to become famous thanks to the climate of the politics at that time. After the GOPs are done, the IVFs shortly finish the Roadblock too and they are pleased to see none of the other Teams around. When this happens, it always means that you are ahead, after all, never at the back of the pack. At this point, the Cannon Fodders finally reach their first log. When Meredith climbs back into the vehicle, out of breath from carrying the log, he tells the incessantly gibbering Gretchen to give him some slack. Or like GI Joe would say, shut the eff up, Gretchen.

Pumbaa is looking for Timon when it happens to pass the Fat Fatales' vehicle, prompting Lynn to squeal, "God, that's like a... I don't even know!" And too late, he notices a piece of wood in the path of their vehicle and warns Alex but oops, there goes their vehicle. Again. Lynn says dryly that their day has been tough indeed. Way behind, Dumb and Dumber are approaching the Khwai River Roadblock site. They hope that the Roadblock will be "manly". Brian calls the milking Detour "sissy" because he believes that milking goats is something only "little farmer ladies" do. Real men bounce at bars, wait at tables, and do anything to get on TV and be an actor.

The Robfather notices a giraffe at the side of the road. For a while, he seems to have the same misassumption as we Giggles do: that the giraffe's tail actively flicking back and forth is a monkey doing cute acrobatic tricks on the giraffe's back. Ambore corrects him at the same time that he tells himself under his breath, "Oh, that's just its tail!" They both laugh at his silliness. All in all, they are having a great time. The same can't be said for the GOPs. Barbie Jane turns to the cameraman sitting beside her at the backseat and says to the camera that she wants it to be stated on record that GI Joe has been picking on her mistakes all day while she has generously not retaliated in kind. No, she only summed up his flaws by calling him a trash redneck. GI Joe rolls up his eyes although he makes sure that she doesn't catch him doing that. Farther behind, Uchenna spots an elephant and goes in excitement, "Houston, we have an elephant!" Even farther behind, the Cannon Fodders move the second log out of the way. And finally, the Fat Fatales get their second replacement vehicle. Lynn wonders whether Alex will destroy this vehicle, heh.

The GOPs talk about wanting to beat the Robcouple in a foot race to the finish, but that may have to wait because the Robcouple step out of their vehicle and dash to the Pit Stop first. Since the GOPs aren't even in the same frame as them, I don't think those two are as close as the editors are trying to suggest. The Robcouple are team number one and Philo tosses them a trip to the French Riviera. The latter causes silly people watching this show to argue that the show is rigged because it wants to give the Robcouple pretty, pretty presents. The other Teams aren't the only people who have lost their sense of perspective when it comes to the Robcouple. The GOPs step up as team number two. The Robfather and GI Joe share an umprompted handshake that is firm - therefore, it's a real handshake - which causes Barbie Jane to be angry at GI Joe again. Remember, Barbie Jane doesn't believe that the Robcouple "deserve" to win the Race because they quitted that Roadblock. Philo soothes their wounded egos by telling them that they were narrowly beaten to the finishing mat by the Robcouple. GI Joe tells the camera that "finally" the GOPs are starting to annoy each other. He seems delighted at that prospect. Maybe he's looking for an excuse to break up with her and he has found it on the Race. Meanwhile, Barbie Jane talks about how she will now put God above everything else. Alas, that doesn't mean that she is quitting the Race there and then to join a convent in Botswana so don't get your hopes too high. She still wants the million dollars, only now she will share it with God, I think, instead of GI Joe.

The IVFs step in as team number three but Philo tells them that they didn't complete the Roadblock properly and they have to go back and finish what they didn't do properly. He doesn't enlighten them on where they went wrong, causing the IVFs to wonder pessimistically about how they may be screwed as they get back into their vehicles. They manage to get back there, discover that they have to pull up the poles, pull the poles, and get back to Philo and be checked in as team number three when the Cannon Fodders finally finish clearing the second log. Uchenna is so happy to come in third after their setback that he shouts, "Afriiii-kaaaa!" What a nice couple, but what horrible Racers. Sigh.

As Meredith drives and studies the clue at the same time, he drives past their next clue that is hanging from a branch, a clue that he is supposed to take in order to learn where the Pit Stop is. Gretchen is of course too busy gibbering to look around her. They drive and drive and drive and finally end up at the Pit Stop by chance. Philo tells them to go back and collect the clue before he can check them in. In the meantime, the Fat Fatales finish up as well. Lynn is doing a nice job at telling Alex how well the man did in the Roadblock. If only he applies this niceness to other people and other situations, he won't be such an irritating pipsqueak. Oh, and Dumb and Dumber finally show up to do the Roadblock and Greg will be doing it.

As Greg gets busy, the Fat Fatales are on their way to the River Khwai Lodge. Alex, convinced that they are last and this is a non-elimination leg, starts wearing as many clothes as he can so that Philo can't strip them off him. How smart. Maybe he overhears this plan of action from the Robfather's conversations with Ambore at the previous Pit Stop? Lynn tells him to use as many of Lynn's underwear as possible as a headband around Alex's head and I really don't want to know anything about that (or what kind of underwear Lynn prefers) so I'm tuning out. They arrive at the Pit Stop, where they are so cute when, upon hearing that they are team number four, they have exactly the same expression on their faces as they chant at the same time in the same tone and manner, "What?" The Fat Fatales collapse in relief when they realize that they really are in fourth place and Alex blubbers to Philo about having to wear his shorts over his trousers. Philo says that it's a good thing that the fashion police isn't coming to arrest Alex. The camera cuts to the VIP who is dressed like a law enforcer and he is trying not to laugh himself, heh.

Dumb and Dumber finish the Roadblock. The Cannon Fodders locate their clue and Gretchen confidently states that they know the way back to the Pit Stop. They don't. They get lost. They are candidates for the Worst Team Ever. Watching them is like watching a terminally ill patient struggling for life and so many times I am tempted to yell at those two incompetent nincompoops, "Just get eliminated already, dang it, because I cannot bear to watch you two! I'm suffering as much as you are! Oh, and Gretchen, for the love of God, shut up. Shut up!" Meanwhile, Dumb and Dumber think that it will be great if they show up in their swim suit, funny hats, and ugly shades because Philo won't dare to take their possessions and leave them wearing only those for the rest of the Race, right? (I'd really like to know why at least two Teams believe that this leg will be a non-elimination one, by the way.) So they stop after finishing their Roadblock to change into swim shorts that have gone out of style since 1986 and other fashion horrors that they have packed specifically for moments like this one.

Despite running a disastrous leg, the Cannon Fodders manage to come in fifth, amazed that they are still standing. Gretchen compares themselves to the Energizer bunny. She never shuts up, does she? She just talks and talks and talks. Ugh. Finally, Dumb and Dumber show up looking like a fraternity joke went wrong. I'm amazed that Philo manages to keep a straight face when he catches sight of those two. No, don't say Botox. I refuse to believe that Philo has the same hobby as Ryan Sleazebag of American Idol. Unfortunately for Dumb and Dumber, this is an elimination leg so they are out of the Race. Brian tells Greg that they at least went out "in style" and punch fists with his brother. After blabbing about being best friends forever, they take the time to mug for the camera and play around in the pool. They're gone, prime examples of how two athletic men for whom the Race is theirs to lose finally lose because they are just plain dumb. Or am I underestimating them and they have planned to lose all along just to come off as memorable characters on the show? I don't know, but I do know that I don't buy the whole calculated "dumb likeable goons" act those two are putting on for the camera. Anyway, they are gone and the show moves on next to India. Oh God, not India!

Before YouTube, recapping music videos is totally a thing and not a waste of time. Really..

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