Before YouTube, recapping music videos is totally a thing and not a waste of time. Really..
Season 6 Episode 10: It Always Comes Down to Details
The show opens with a message informing me that the show was taped in Sri Lanka a few weeks before the December 26 tsunami disasters hit the island. If you haven't sent a few spare dollars to the nearest legitimate charity for the victims of the tsunami disaster, it is never too late to start. Every cent counts, although always make sure that you are contributing to a legitimate body and not some Sleazy Joe starting up an overnight scam to take advantage of generous souls!
Previously, Pornathan tried to get Rebecca and Adam to yield the Fre&Ks for him, but not even that and his magic red underwear, coupled with every mental magic in his head, could save him and his wife from elimination. Ironically, they were eliminated because they missed out on one donkey and had to go all the way back to collect it. Philo's face when he tries not to laugh (by biting on his lower lip) the moment he realized that he could send the two jokers off the show is one to be savored repeatedly. By the way, the stories you hear about those two suing Bonghammer on grounds of wrongful elimination because they did have two donkeys with them (Pornathan counting as one donkey) are just that - rumors. They are not coming back and hopefully never will grace my TV screen ever again.
Credits. I wonder how many takes were required for Kris and Jon to do that perfectly synchronized diving thing in their scene in the credits.
Philo "Still The Best Thing About A Show Becoming Too Successful For Its Own Good" Koughie comes out to explain that he is standing at Lalibela, Ethiopia. Ethiopia, he says, is the oldest independent nation in Africa. The Teams are resting at this eighth Pit Stop of the Race and by golly, Adam Ant has cut off those horns. He's looking handsome now, like someone who has actually experienced puberty. Me likey.
1:16 am. The Mollywoods are off. They read their clue and Philo steps out to explain that Teams must now travel fourteen miles back to the Lalibela airport and take a charter flight back to Addis Ababa. This may be the same charter flight they came in, or it may not be. Their next clue is located at the stadium named, shockingly enough, the Addis Ababa Stadium. As they leave, Hayden tells the camera that they are putting their differences aside and concentrate on the race. She must be encouraged by their coming in from last place to first in the previous leg. That I understand. But she doesn't get it, does she? It's not their "differences" that are affecting them, it's her tendency to overreact to stress that sinks this Team more often than not. Anyway, it's not like she can keep herself in check anyway so it doesn't matter what she says. She's an irrational harpy who will be very difficult to deal with in times of stress.
1:31 am. The Superdumbos flex their muscles but the Tick's brain is still asleep, I guess, as he once more calls Addis Ababa "Adidas Ababa". In a confessional that must have made everyone in the Superdumbo household laugh-groan when they watch this episode at home, the Tick says that the Superdumbos will do fine as long as they are careful and pay attention to what they read on the clue. There aren't as many scenes that will come back to haunt the contestants at the end of the episode like this major foreshadowing of this Team's boo-boo. Then again, "Adidas Ababa". I rest my case. Back to the Race, they take off after the Mollywoods.
1:48 am. It may be morning but it isn't too early for the Templates to bore me senseless. With that vacant smile always in place, Kris giggles that they, like all Teams, are given $171 for this leg of the Race. Why is she giggling? Why is she smiling? And why can't Jon say anything more interesting in their pre-Race babble than they are now determined to be vigilant on this late leg of the Race? Why can't nice Teams have a decent vocabulary? And stop smiling like absent-minded bobbleheads, please!
At the Lalibela Airport, the Mollywoods and the Superdumbos sign up for the first charter flight. The Templates show up and take the last available seats on the first charter flight. Now that's some unexpected development, eh?
2:13 am. The Fre&Ks are ready to go. They predictably give the babble about being determined to play harder after being Yielded in the previous leg. No mention about making Adam Ant cry like a baby, alas.
2:30 am. The Goth-Nots leave. Nice one there, those guys, Yielding a team only to lose to that Team. The mind boggles as to what those two were thinking when they Yielded the Fre&Ks and not the STDs. Rebecca says that she is trying to get Adam Ant to believe that he can do things, which explains why she has been humiliating him or treating him like dirt all this while. She believes in tough love.
The Fre&Ks have to make a stop on their drive to the airport because Kendra doesn't take too well to the local delicacy. Those Salmonella, they bloody well keep breeding. They eventually reach the airport and sign up for the second charter flight. The Goth-Nots do the necessary and sign up for their flight, during which Adam Ant says that it doesn't feel nice "being behind" and he likes to be "in front" better. There is something about his words that feel vaguely dirty but I'm not sure whether I should go there. Kendra has fled to the toilets. She runs into a cubicle and proceeds to throw up. Freddy, standing outside the washroom, explains that Kendra has eaten some food that doesn't agree with her. Phew, that's a relief. I'm starting to imagine that she's anorexic or even breeding (Kendra: "Bleeeurgh!"). He finally goes into the washroom and holds her as she bends over the sink. She hopes that she will be able to keep going. See what I mean about Kendra always playing hard for her Team?
It is bright daylight when the first flight is ready for boarding so the Teams must have plenty of time to mingle and play checkers with each other at the airport. The first flight takes off, carrying the Mollywoods, the Superdumbos, and the Templates. Half an hour later, the second flight is ready to depart. Rebecca says when she boards the flight that she really hates this kind of airplanes. Well, it's a small plane, I agree, but she's not exactly the size of a mountain either. What gives, really?
Say hello to the Teams again, Addis Ababa. The Superdumbos get into a cab first. The Mollywoods crow that they beat the Templates in the cab race because they want very much to beat the Stepford Dollies but alas, their cab driver doesn't know the meaning of fast (as Hayden puts it) and the Templates' cab overtakes theirs in no time. At this point I find myself cringing instinctively and waiting for Pornathan to scream "VIK-TOLLLLLIIIIIAA!" like he always does and sigh when I realize that the STDs are really gone from the show. The Superdumbos reach the stadium and now realize that they have to complete a task before they can receive their next clue. Philo comes out to explain that Ethiopia is famed for her track athletes so for this task, Teams must participate in a 4x400 relay with a team that they can choose from a few local athletes. Once they have each completed a lap, they will receive their clue from the coach supervising the task.
I really laugh when the Tick tells the guy standing behind him that he will run like the cops are at his tail because he's used to being in that situation. Oh, that silly mule. Captain Liberty runs first and while she won't be qualifying for any competitive track event soon, she is much faster than the Tick. Man oh man, now I understand why he was in jail so often, if that is how he runs on an ordinary day.
Outside, the Templates end up at the wrong side of the stadium so the Mollywoods beat them to the clue box. Hayden declares that this task is hers because she used to run in college. Lady, I used to play tennis in college and now you can't see me beating even a five-year old kid because years of disuse does that to one's ability. Kris and Hayden enter the track as the local runner passes the Tick the baton and the Tick starts running. He runs like a headless frozen chicken magically animated to start running away from the supermarket. He tells the camera that he is running out of steam by the time he finishes the lap and confesses that he has been "outrun" by the local runners. No crap, Sherlock.
As Hayden and Kris run, the Superdumbos read the clue they have received from the coach. Philo explains that Teams must now travel more than 3,600 miles to Colombo, Sri Lanka. From Colombo, they must take the train, Queen of the Sea, to Galle. From Galle, they must take the local transportation called the "tuk-tuk" to the Galle Fort. The Tick tells his wife as they leave the stadium that he is no track star. Oh, but he is such a great unintentional comedian!
The Mollywoods beat the Templates in the track event and they are so happy that they get to "smoke" the Templates for once. They can enjoy that feeling until the next time Hayden has to navigate using a road map and then they can start begging the Templates to show them the way. As for the Templates, the ever supportive Stepford Barbie Kris hugs Jon and tells him that he did a "great job". Is there anything about him that she doesn't find "great" or "hot"? I don't think so. Then again, they are a long-distance dating couple. Kris is working extra hard to make sure that she is worthy of Jon's affections, I suspect. Give them a year and they'll be bitter with each other. In their cab, Kris tells Jon that it has been years since "we" ran on a track. She's hot, she adores her man, and she gives good conversation too. What's not to love about her? Jon is a lucky, lucky bastard.
The Superdumbos are at the airport where the Tick attempts to buy tickets to this place called "Sarika Lanka". Is that place anywhere near "Indilala"? They are given tickets to a 2:30 pm flight that will take them through to Dubai and lands at Colombo in the morning of the following day. Apparently it's the only flight available to Colombo so they have to take it.
The Goth-Nots reach the stadium and they read their clue.
On the road, Hayden is urging the cab driver to go fast but the driver (the same one that doesn't understand the meaning of "go fast") lets the Templates overtake them again. Hayden can only gnash her teeth and tell the driver to follow the other cab. She says that the Templates are always beating them and Aaron adds that he'd like to see the Templates gone from the Race. Well, for now the Templates are indeed gone from the Mollywoods' view. It's not what they are asking for but hey, we can't always have everything we want.
The Fre&Ks arrive as Rebecca is getting ready to start her lap. Kendra is understandably not keen on running since she is still suffering from her encounter with the local food but she puts on a brave game front and runs slowly but surely. Rebecca takes off and she's fast. Kendra tells the camera that her stomach is killing her and she is running like an 80-year old woman. She is still running her lap when Adam Ant begins his lap. He tries, I suppose. Other people have their mothers show their baby photos to their friends. But poor Adam, he is having his baby photos taken live on this show and preserved for prosperity in syndication. Adam Ant finishes his lap and the Goth-Nots get back to their waiting cab. Inside, Rebecca asks Adam to roll down the cab window because she needs "back-up oxygen". Funny that she says this only when Adam Ant moves forward to smooch her. Nah, the timing must be coincidental.
Kendra finishes her lap and flops down in exhaustion. Later, Freddy finishes his lap and poses with his hands up in the air like he's just won gold in the Olympics while she compliments him on - what else? - doing a good job. These people need some variety in their compliments. They get back to their cab and urge the driver to take them to the airport. Meanwhile, the Mollywoods and the Goth-Nots purchase tickets to the same flight that the Templates and the Superdumbos will be on. So yes, it is the only flight leaving to Colombo on that day. Will the Fre&Ks make that flight?
Oh dear, their cab driver seems to have taken a wrong turn. Nope, that turns out to be small drama as they reach the airport without much problem. Freddy tells the driver that he will give the man another ten dollars and the driver will give him back five dollars. Many people seems confused by this and naturally just accuse Freddy of trying to scam another third world honest blue-collar worker because Freddy and Kendra are the world's biggest Nazis, doncha know. But come on, does that sound like a scam to you? I think this is more like a case of Freddy not having small change and giving the cab driver, say, a $20 note and a $5 note to pay for a fare of $15. That way, Freddy gives the man another ten and the driver has to give him back five. The cab driver doesn't agree with this arrangement, probably because he doesn't understand what Freddy is telling him. Freddy settles amicably and he and Kendra then chuckle over the incident as they walk into the airport. They get tickets on the 2:30 pm flight even when the flight is open for boarding (gotta love the lax regulations of the Ethiopian airports) so we have our second bunching of the day in just under fifteen minutes since the show starts. Freddy says that the race starts anew for the Fre&Ks. He's right, and he has no idea how sad I am that he is, alas, right.
Philo steps out to explain the confusing concept of all Teams being on the same flight and reminds everyone that Teams must then take a train to Galle. Thanks, sweetie, now go talk to Bonghammer about the ridiculous frequency of bunchings in this season.
Hello, Colombo. It is melancholic to take in the panoramic beauty of the place, the vibrant life of the city, only to realize that everything was now gone after the tsunamis struck. It is sobering to juxtapose the scenes of people bustling around the place with photographs of corpses floating in the sea. I don't think I will ever take life for granted again. But let's get back to the Race. Rebecca goes "Choo-choo!" at a cab driver. I wonder what she is trying to tell him. The Mollywoods' driver looks crazy and probably is related to the crazy cab driver that took the Cordelias in Season Four down the wrong side of the road because this driver drives just as recklessly. When they barely avoid a collision with another car, Hayden and Aaron can only share a look and hang on for their lives. Well, they did say they always wanted a fast cab. But believe it or not, the Superdumbos' cab overtakes the Templates' cab anyway. Maybe the Superdumbos' cab driver is a certified nutcase.
Kendra complains about the fumes, smokes, et cetera - you get the idea. The show then proceeds with the canonization of Santa Krista, with Kris saying that Colombo is cool, just like the last ten thousand cool places, nooks, and crannies she visited, and really, everything is so cool. I'm surprised CBS hasn't ordered by now a Melrose Place spinoff starring Kris as the good twin and Kendra as the evil twin.
The Goth-Nots finally get a cab that will take them to the train station. I have a hunch that this happens when Rebecca finally uses "train station" instead of "choo-choo" when it comes to her conversations with cab drivers. As they speed to the station, the Superdumbos, the Mollywoods, and the Fre&Ks manage to catch the Queen of the Sea that will take them to Galle. The train is crowded. Hayden complains that she has nowhere to sit. If previous train rides in India is anything to go by, she is asking for trouble with her breasts all but hanging out from her low-collared tank top. Freddy calls the train the ugliest he has seen and Kendra is displeased with the condition inside the train. Wait until she has to use the toilet. Since the Fre&Ks have spoken, their Good Twins must speak, so the Templates show up in the nick of time to board the train. As Jon hangs on to the railing by the entrance like some triumphant hero and Kris hangs on to him like some subservient Stepford girlfriend, he chuckles and says that the ride will be "interesting". Maybe it's just wistful thinking but I detect some hint of deliberate sarcasm in the tone of his voice. Nah, since everyone else is telling me that they are saints who can walk on water, I must be hearing things.
The Goth-Nots arrive at the station only to realize that they have missed the 7:30 am train (that carries the other Teams to Galle) and the next train only leaves at 9:00 am. They wander to the platform and ask a local whether he has seen teams like them around the station. This guy enthusiastically chirps, "They went away with backpacks and everything! They went away." Adam Ant doesn't appreciate the drama and explodes, blaming Rebecca for being so slow in getting them a cab to take them here. She doesn't understand why he is blaming her. Maybe it's because she keeps telling him that he is not able to handle any responsibility like buying tickets or even speaking to people on this Race until he starts believing it? That way, he genuinely feels that she is to be blamed because she is, like she insists all the time, the only one mature enough to make things happen. Adam throws down his bags and says that they have lost. He yells at Rebecca, wanting her to explain to him how they could have missed the train when they were right behind the other Teams. Er, maybe it's because they weren't right behind the other Teams? He is doing a good job at being a drama queen until he then announces that he wants to quit and go home. Oh boy, it's the Little Boy Adam talking again. Rebecca calls his bluff, calling for a cab to take them to the airport, and Adam is all deflated and "Um, uh..." Hilarious, really. He just tells her not to talk to him anymore and slink off to sulk by himself. Rebecca calls after him, saying that, oh yes, Adam Ant is not too tough a guy, ooh. Darlings, please for the love of whatever, break up for good so that Adam can finally marry his mother.
At Galle, the train has arrived and the four Teams on it disembark. Tuk-tuk drivers are even more reckless than cab drivers when a race ensues on the road. Aaron wants a tuk-tuk. I want Aaron. His very act of speaking is sexy! What, I can't say that? Okay. (Sorry, Freddy.) Then they are at the Galle Fort, a beautiful old Dutch fort, where they learn that it's time for a Detour. Philo explains that for "Tree Trunk", Teams must travel for two miles to a coconut plantation and each Team member must climb up a tree, untie a jug among the coconuts, travel across a tightrope to the tree across from the tree he or she has just climbed, and climb down to hand the jug to the Detour supervisor for the next clue. In "Elephant Trunk", Teams must travel to a field also two miles away and each Team member must then ride an elephant and play elephant polo. Each must send the polo pucker through the goal using a mallet. The pros and cons of each Detour are obvious but there are always some Teams who cannot resist the call of the elephant. In this case, the Fre&Ks decide to play with an elephant trunk while the other three Teams go straddle some tree trunks. Oh dear, this may be a disaster for the Fre&Ks.
The Goth-Nots finally get onboard their 9:00 am train. She tells him that they are at least an hour behind everyone else so they will be eliminated for sure if this leg is an elimination leg. That's the way to motivate that wussy boy, Rebecca! For some reason, this makes Adam Ant feel rather pervy and he decides that he has to pucker up for a kiss from Rebecca. Rebecca asks him to get away from her but he doesn't understand why and tries to embrace her. She tries to push her away and she is obviously at the brink of tears. I actually feel sorry for her at that point because she is upset with that guy and I understand that. She wants some private space to breathe and think. But here is that stupid oaf thinking that he wants to play so she has to play with him and he doesn't know why she doesn't want to play. The Goth-Nots have moved up a notch from "Dysfunctional and Sad" to "Trainwreck".
Captain Liberty says, as she gets ready to climb a coconut tree, that she and the Tick have been climbing trees since they were kids, the monkeys that they were, hoo hoo, so this would be no problem for them. Er, she does read about the tightrope part of the Detour, right?
The Fre&Ks are bonding with Pampy the Elephant. Freddy says that this is their only chance to ride an elephant so they may as well have fun and have a go at it. Maybe he's convinced that Kendra's sick stomach will slow them down and cause them to come in last so they may as well have fun before they go out, I don't know, but he is having fun as he tells Pampy to giddy-yup.
Captain Liberty has finished retrieving the jug at the top of the tree when the Templates and, shortly after the Templates, the Mollywoods show up. Hayden has made it her mission to be as completely useless as possible in everything on the show, it seems, because she now declares to the camera that she is "terrified" of heights. You know, in addition to being unable to navigate, drive cars that are a little different from the cars she is used to driving, or think straight? Why she doesn't do the elephant trunk thing is beyond me. Jon climbs first and performs the task with methodological efficiency. He's good, I'd give him that. If Freddy is Clark Kent with those glasses, Jon is Thor the Thunder God. On the other hand, Captain Liberty starts having problems on trying to balance herself on the tightrope. The Tick helpfully advises her to "keep walking". She's trying, silly, she's trying! As for Hayden, she is doing fine until she hits the tightrope. Unlike Captain Liberty who at least is trying to balance herself, Hayden just flails around. Like she always does when she is in trouble, she gives that ear-splitting shriek, "Aaaaaaaaaaa-ron!" One more time, Hayden, because my left eardrum is still intact. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-ron!"
Pampy the Elephant makes a small turn as he looks at the camera and winks. Silly humans! Freddy laughs as he sends the puck flying a short distance along the field, a litte closer to the goal. He says that this is better than climbing a tree. Oh, Freddy, he shouldn't make me choose between him and Aaron like that. I'm not cut out to be that deep as a person.
Jon is done and now Kris climbs the tree. He tells the camera that his "girl" is "rocking it". Camera cuts to Kris rocking "them", if you catch my drift. I love how this show isn't above exploiting its appointed ambassadors of goodwill as sex objects when the opportunity arises. Tell me again in two years' time about those rockings, dude, after those two have moved in together and bored each other with their inability to carry a conversation that doesn't involve vapid complimenting of each other. Captain Liberty, in the meantime, has discovered a workable way to cross the line. She sits on the rope (legs hanging down on each side of the rope) and slides along it towards the other end. Ouch, that has to hurt. I hope she's wearing thick underwear under those shorts. Hayden is still acting like a ten-pound screaming scarecrow hanging up there and Aaron can only stare at her in shell-shocked open-mouthed helplessness. The Templates are done and they receive their clue. The Tick says that the Templates are his Team's "strongest competition". Then again, anyone who can read a map poses the "strongest competition" to the Superdumbos.
The Templates now realize that Teams must go to the city of Kandy by bus and at the end of the 70-mile journey, go to the Temple of the Tooth, purchase an offering from the nearby art association, and exchange the offering with a monk in the temple for their next clue.
Back to Hayden. Oh no, she's scared that she will fall! Or the rope will break! "Aaaaaaaaaaa-ron!" Maybe it will give her some comfort to know that many people will be happy if she does fall. So don't worry, Hayden, keep going, because if she falls, she'll be making many people's life brighter and sunnier if at least for a while. Alas, she reaches the end of the rope without breaking her neck or anything as pleasant, er, awful, but she is still sounding off like a boiling kettle on the way down. Aaron gives her the obligatory poor-dear-muah-muah thing for, oh, five seconds (he still wants to sleep with her, after all) and then flees up the coconut tree to escape her presence. Meanwhile, Captain Liberty is done and the Tick climbs up his tree. Hayden tells the camera that she is so relieved that she didn't break her neck or something. Wow, Hayden climbs a tree and now her life has changed. I can't wait for the book.
Ooh, Freddy scores a goal. He laughs in a "Yeah, baby, ain't I hot?" manner and Kendra woo-wooes and kisses him as he dismounts from Pampy. He really acts like her father and she his spoiled little princess daughter at times. She mounts Pampy and waves at Freddy who just laughs indulgently back. Yup, plenty of Daddy and his Little Girl vibes there.
The 9:00 am train finally pulls in at Galle and the Goth-Nots share a kiss. What happened? Rebecca explains that she wants to win so if she has to play the girlfriend to Adam to do so, she'll do that. Well, what can I say? Maybe she is worth only $500,000 (before taxes) like she happily tells the camera and she is going at bargain basement sale price for an ex-boyfriend who acts like a five-year old kid. What's the word again to describe Rebecca? Oh yes, "sad". Adam, happy now that Rebecca is back to kissing him again, says that they are not giving up and are giving their all to catch up. Wait until she starts pleading a case of food poisoning at the Pit Stop, heh, and has to spend the night locked up in Kendra's toilet. Poor Adam will spend the whole night singing comforting songs outside the toilet door ("I'll run to you, my sweet 'Becca/Even as you run down your thighs, you betcha...") while Rebecca actually start puking and the other Teams point and laugh behind poor Adam's back. Back to them, they get a tuk-tuk to take them to the Fort.
The Templates are back in Galle and they wait in line to get tickets for the bus that will take them to Kandy.
The Tick is having problems with the tightrope and now Captain Liberty thinks she knows how he can cross it. These two, if only they do as well as they think they know what the other person should do, they'd be a force to be reckoned with, I tell you. Hayden still can't shut up and she is repeating again and again, with little variety, how much she loves Aaron and how she thinks he is doing a good job. I think Aaron just tunes her out and sings happy songs in his head. The Superdumbos finish first and leave, still arguing and fighting from tuk-tuk to bus station. How do their eardrums survive their years of marriage?
Kendra is, as Freddy calls her, the "master of pachyderms". Heh, I can hear the rustles of the pages of the dictionary as the more irrational critics of the Fre&Ks look up the meaning of "pachyderm" before writing lengthy diatribes in the media about why Freddy is definitely a racist snob because he uses big words in his conversations. As the Goth-Nots reach the Fort and decide to play with tree trunks, Kendra sends the puck through the goal and she and her boyfriend holler and cheer as they receive their clue.
The Templates can only watch as the Superdumbos and the Mollywoods show up to board the same bus as they. Kris complains that it is frustrating to work so hard to be in front only to be whammed by other teams catching up. Wait a minute, did she just imply that the bunching of this season sucks? Hey, I am starting to like her a little now! The bus leaves with the three Teams on it. Hayden says that she now appreciates the public transportation system back in the USA because coming here and sitting in this bus is like a "reality check" for her. I don't get it. The bus is moving. It has all its wheels and it doesn't have ominous black smoke coming out from the exhaust pipe. So what's the problem? The buses in America fly or something?
At the coconut plantation, Adam Ant sees the trees and immediately announces that there is no way that he can climb those trees. Yucks, can he just marry Hayden and be done with it? The constant protestations of helplessness become tedious at least seven episodes ago. Rebecca just climbs up a tree because she and I and the whole world know that Adam Ant won't be doing it. Adam says that Rebecca is like a "little monkey", making me wonder why Rebecca fights so hard to resist this guy's dazzlingly romantic way with words. Rebecca completes the task without difficulties and even has time to call down to Adam and tell him that the whole task is "nothing to it". He calls her a superstar when she comes down and announces that he is going to cry. There is nothing like being an overwrought crybaby to get her into falling in love all over again with him. He puckers up for a kiss. Rebecca thinks of the money and kisses him before telling him to go climb the tree (and therefore be far, far away from her).
The Fre&Ks are not happy that three Teams have left before them but at least the Goth-Nots don't catch up with them when they board the next bus to Kandy. The Goth-Nots, on the third bus, are so sure that they are done for. Rebecca must be composing her suicide note in her head in anticipation of Adam's "I'm so sad - let's have sex!" demands later that night after they are eliminated. But they do catch up with everybody at Kandy because the temple and the art association are closed at 4:00 pm and will only open at 8:30 am the next day. Wow, what time is it now? Time to kick some butts in the production department, that's what! What the hell is this? Once again, everything that happens prior to this is rendered meaningless. Rebecca and Adam's sucktitude as Racers are rewarded by this bunching. At this rate, they could accidentally end up on a plane to New Delhi and still make it back in time. This is ridiculous!
So anyway, whoopee, fast forward to 8:30 am, and the art association opens. Teams rush in to buy a bowl for each Team member from the sales lady and then rush into the temple to give it to the monk. He takes the time to chant some blessings and tie a talisman around each Racer's wrist before handing the Team their clue. The Superdumbos get their clue first and they are told to take a bus to Dambulla and then a tuk-tuk to the Lion Rock, which Philo calls "a dominating granite peak". The Lion Rock, or Sigiriya if you want to impress party guests, was said to be guarded by a huge lion, hence its name. Since this show isn't complete without more words of enlightenment from the Templates, Jon predictably has a voiceover as he and Kris get their talisman and clue that they are religious people but they also "respect and cherish" the "blessings" from the monk. They are so perfect, I'm surprised there aren't cults springing all over the place for the worship of these two. While the Templates leave last, they manage to get a tuk-tuk before the Mollywoods. As usual, Hayden starts a hissyfit about their inability to get a cab and then shrieks that Aaron is not taking the Race seriously because he isn't freaking out like her. Did I mention that she's becoming predictable as well as irritating to watch and listen to? Aaron tells her to shut up because he is "sick" of her "bitching".
Fa-la-la, everyone ends up in the same bus. La-la-la, they then have their tuk-tuks race each other, with the Templates emerging at the front. The Goth-Nots are not happy when their tuk-tuk stops for gas. The Goth-Nots rant at and pester the driver to hurry but the tuk-tuk can't move without gas so they just have to grit their teeth and wait.
The Templates are at the Lion Rock and it's now time for a Roadblock for the person who has "strong legs" and "keen eyes". Kris says that Jon has to do this one. This person must hike up to the top of the Rock (more than a thousand steps, people) and then use a pair of binoculars to locate the Pit Stop from there. The Pit Stop of the leg of the race is the Sigiriya Village Hotel, or more specifically, right in front of the pool. Teams must swim across the pool to reach the Pit Stop once they get to the hotel from Lion Rock. The clue also notes that Teams need tickets to climb Lion Rock so Kris hands Jon the ticket they have purchased prior to reading the clue.
The other Teams arrive. The Goth-Nots and the Mollywoods also note the part of the clue telling them to bring along a ticket. The thing is, like the Templates, all of these Teams purchase tickets before reading the clue. So they all have tickets. Only, the Tick urges Captain Liberty to go without handing her her ticket and Kendra does the same with Freddy.
Jon passes the guard, shows his ticket, and reaches the top where he then takes a pair of binoculars and scans the world around and below him. His scintillating voiceover has him telling me how he gives his all to the Roadblocks he performs. I can't get enough of listening to him talk, I tell you. I don't know how Freddy realizes that he needs a ticket to proceed but he turns back soon after he started his climb to get his ticket from Kendra. Alas, Captain Liberty proceeds ahead without caution. When Freddy takes his ticket from Kendra, Kendra explains to the Tick, Kris, Hayden, and Rebecca that silly Freddy has forgotten his ticket. The Tick realizes that he is holding Captain Liberty's ticket. Whoops. Sweet little Kris, when she realizes that Captain Liberty is without a ticket, tells the Tick that "it always comes down to details". I know there are a million fans of the Templates who are convinced that these two cannot do wrong but anyone who comes up to me and says that things always come down to details like Kris does when I'm in a bad mood will really get at the very least my middle finger shoved up her nostril. Is that detailed enough, bitch? The Tick just grits his teeth and mumbles "Hmm!" as he glares at the stairs that the Captain Liberty has climbed up with terpidation.
Captain Liberty, breathless and worn out, realizes that she needs a ticket and wastes precious time trying to convince the guard that she has dropped her ticket and later pleading to be let through. Adam passes her. Then, Aaron passes her. At the top, Jon spots the yellow and red flag and quickly hurries down the stairs. And lo, here comes the very furious Captain Liberty as she yells at the Tick even as she runs down towards him. It's his fault that he doesn't read the clue, et cetera. What strikes me as fascinating is how she is moving back up the stairs even as she calls the Tick all kinds of idiot for overlooking the ticket. Meanwhile, Kris and Rebecca, secure in the knowledge that their boyfriends will never shout at them because they are so precious that way, giggle and hide their giggles behind their hands. I think I'm starting to like this dim-witted air-headed Mean Girls version of Kris. Captain Liberty screeches at the Tick that they are last now. The Tick shakes his head and closes his eyes wearily.
Freddy goes up. Aaron spots the flag and goes down. Adam Ant is wondering where to look. Back down, Kris puts her hand on the Tick's shoulder and asks him to think "positive thoughts". Is this woman for real? I mean, seriously, is there anyone so stupid to say such things to someone who is in a bad mood, apart from those annoying magpie-like female in-laws that every family tends to have? Then Jon appears and Kris has to do what she is programmed to do - praise everything he does sky high. "You rock! You rock! You rock!" she giggles at him. I wish I can say she is trying to make some sort of joke connected to the Lion Rock but alas, she's just being vapid, as usual. Jon should marry her. She will never find anything about him that she will remotely disagree on.
Freddy takes a pair of binoculars the moment he hits the top and scans the world below. There! Following the other man's lead, Adam Ant looks in the same direction and sees the flag too. Both men begin running down the stairs.
The Templates reach the hotel, jump into the pool, and won a trip to "romantic Europe" for being the first Team to arrive at the Pit Stop.
Captain Liberty is now at the top and she scans with her binoculars. Ah, there it is, that flag. Back down she goes.
Aaron reaches the ground and gets a cab for him and Hayden. I don't know how he expects the cab driver to understand his map (a rectangle and an arrow within that rectangle) but I'm sure any cab driver worth his salt will be able to deduce that these Americans with camera following them must be looking for the hotel. A little behind, Freddy overtakes Adam on the way down. As the Fre&Ks run to get a cab, Freddy boasts to Kendra that he has beaten the "nancy boy" Adam. That's not the most diplomatic thing to say, I admit, but Adam is such a wuss, really. The Tick scratches himself as he waits for his wife. The camera cuts to a monkey doing the same to itself. Um, very funny, editors, haw haw. He tells his wife when she emerges that he knows that "we" are angry but there is a chance that this leg is a non-elimination round.
The Mollywoods, the Fre&Ks, and the Goth-Nots burst into the poolside area at about the same time. Philo tells them to swim their way through the pool. Hayden just dives in. Freddy jumps. Alas, Kendra decides that she'd rather keep her blouse dry so she wastes time taking off that blouse, allowing Aaron to jump in while she's trying not to get wet during a swim. So the Mollywoods are the second team to arrive, thanks to Freddy having to wait for Kendra to keep up. (He pretty much drags her out of the pool and it's not a tender gesture.) The Fre&Ks are team number three. Somewhere amidst the chaos, the Goth-Nots come in as team number four. Do try and watch these two's dive in slow-motion. Rebecca tries to dive only to lose her balance and falls flat into the water while Adam actually bends down to touch his toes like a swimmer will before losing his balance and dropping into the pool clumsily.
Later, the Superdumbos show up. They swim, they come in last, they are eliminated, awww.
"Oh my goodness, I can see her breasts through her wet T-shirt. Are those nipples?" hubby squeaks.
I really don't want to look. I really don't. "Why did you tell me? Oh my, they're terrifying! I can't look away!"
"Me too. I'm scared!"
As we hold each other tight and tremble, Philo tries to be Dr Phil and smooth feathers over the angry Captain Liberty and the Tick by asking the Tick to tell everyone why he loves his wife. He says that she is the strongest woman he has ever met. Captain Liberty softens and puts her arm around him as she tells the camera that they can do anything together because they have done this and she loves him "to death". If she keeps squeezing him like that, she may get her wish. And then they are gone, those bumbling goofs, and while I will miss them, I can honestly say that they have actually lasted longer on the Race than they should have, performance- and ability-wise.
Philo closes the show by appealing for donations and telling me to check cbs.com for more information on how to do so. That's nice of him but there is no such information anymore on the official website. Oh well, have to make room for the new midseason replacement, I guess.