Before YouTube, recapping music videos is totally a thing and not a waste of time. Really..
Season 6 Episode 8: Tell My Mom I Love Her
Previously, operation hours and a Fast Foward were really good things as it propelled the previously lagging Superdumbos to first place. Meanwhile, artificial bunchings made sure that nothing will really happen that will surprise viewers. But the lazy designers who want everything in the Race to take place under their microscopic control could always rely on Girl and Girth to choose the slower Detour. Girl and Girth did just that, inexplicably preferring to fight against the tide of the Danube in their boat while the others score easily against a half-arsed Hungarian "waterpolo goalkeeper". Even when others puke their way through a spicy soup Roadblock - with Freddy actually having to consume his own puke - and Fat Gus didn't have much problems slurping it down ("Think of donuts... and apple pies..."), they couldn't catch up with the others and were hence eliminated. Six Teams left, ooh, how many bunchings could they fit into this episode? Find out after the credits and the break, Philo promises!
Credits. Poor Adam Ant. I have a feeling that on cold lonely nights when Rebecca refuses to call or talk to him, he will have the Scala Choir's version of the Divinyls' I Touch Myself on autorepeat on the mp3 player of his PC while he goes into a fetal position on his bed and sobs himself to sleep. I feel his pain, I really do. Not that I want to be his girlfriend or anything, mind you, as I don't even like babysitting for money, but as a decent human being, I feel his pain.
Philo Koughie, our sexy host, is looking particularly droolworthy today. Looking good is touch and go where Philo is concerned. Sometimes he looks haggard and ridiculous, sometimes he wears those tight jeans that beg for forgiveness so well, and sometimes he is just a hunk. Today, he is just a hunk, hurrah. He explains that he is standing before the Fisherman's Bastion, the Pit Stop of the last leg, and adds that the Bastion is built to commemorate the courage of fishermen who fought back an invasion on old Budapest. Philo wonders whether Hayden will self-destruct and bring Aaron down with her. I'll save you, Aaron, don't worry! Ahem. Philo wonders whether the Fre&Ks and the Mollywoods will keep working together. Why stop there? Why not move into a house in LA together and conquer the world with their pretty?
As an aside, do you guys remember the cute Zoolander Twins in Season Three? I know that the GLPPs of the previous Season are their buddies (Drew even photographed some shots of Moppet). What I didn't know until now is that the Barrs of Season Four (the ones who made fun of the dating virgins MillieChuck and teased Top Gun mercilessly) and the Fre&Ks are also close buddies of the Zoolander Twins. Am I the only one who have this hunch that the casting person just calls up the Zoolander Twins before the start of every season for some phone numbers?
11:12 pm. The Superdumbos open their clue and Tick, as he reads, says that he wants to go to where it is good to fuc - wait, that's not right, let me check again, although I can't say that it is a bad idea to go to a place where it is good to... you know. The Tick is actually saying that Teams must go to Budafok, located a few kilometres outside Budapest. Philo steps out to explain that in Budafok (which I understand is just left to Budashag) Teams must locate a giant 14,000-gallon wine cask. Philo doesn't say this but Budafok is all about winemaking and liquor. It has about a hundred kilometres of wine cellars so it is appropriate that the country's largest wine cask, called the Rákóczi, is located here. The wine cask is designed in 1971 by István Borsody and you can find it in the wine cellar of the Budafok operation headquarters of the wine company Palugyay. Believe it or not, the Rákóczi is supposed to symbolize freedom. Freedom to wine? So Budafok's not exactly the Netherlands but I'm sure some of the Teams will be very happy to go to Budafok. Back to the Superdumbos, they get into a cab where the Tick compares the driver's road skill to Captain Liberty's. Wait, are they lost again? So early in the Race? Or is that a compliment from the Tick? Does the driver feel complimented? Hmmm.
12:01 am. The Templates are off. It turns out that the Fast Forward only gave the Superdumbos slightly less than an hour worth of lead. Just how long were they wandering the streets looking for Castle Buda? Back to the Templates, as they get into a cab, Jon's scintillating voice-over says that he feels that Kris and he are closer during the Race and he is surprised by how well they work together. Next thing I know, he will be telling me that Kris is hot. The eyerolling emoticon is created with these two in mind.
12:02 am. The STDs leave. In the latest sequence of the Tori Is Insane - You Know Just By Listening To Her show, Tori voices over that she doesn't want people to "hold her hand" or "be overly affectionate". Okay, but that doesn't mean that she has to stay with a man who holds her by her neck or exhibit zilch affection, does it? Tori says that no matter how hard the STDs fight, they always "kiss and make up" at the end. How nice for her. I'm so deliriously happy for her, I think I will dance barefeet on shards of broken glass for her.
12:06 am. The Mollywoods are off. The first sign of crack in paradise - if I can somehow overlook Hayden's shrewish fishwife nagging and screaming at Aaron in the last few episodes - is Aaron deliberately leaning over Hayden as she tears at the envelope and whispers to her very audibly to the camera that he loves her. That is not a declaration of affection but an insincere zinger designed to annoy Hayden. And annoyed is what she becomes when he leans to kiss her, pushing him away with a sharp "Don't!" Oh, Hayden. She lets him push all her buttons so easily, there's really no glory in him doing that. She reads the clue like it's the recipe for world peace and counts the money every Team is given for this leg of the Race ($31).
As they walk out to the street to look for a cab, Hayden voices over that she knows she can be an "obnoxious brat" but it annoys her when she sees Aaron being "laid-back" about the Race. She hopes that he becomes more "assertive" or she will "steamroll over him". Oh, Hayden. If Aaron doesn't keep his cool, then I will have to watch two out-of-control shrewish psychos running all over the place and I don't think I can take that. Thank goodness that Aaron is "laid-back". Which I doubt he is, actually. I think he is a guy who can keep his cool for the most part and only appears laid-back when he can actually be quite competitive in nature. Hayden needs to stop believing that people must scream, shout, and work themselves into a nervous wreck in order to be "assertive".
12:07 am. The Goth-Nots have their chance to speak as they read the clue and look for a cab. Or maybe not in the case of Adam Ant as he resentfully does everything Rebecca tells him to do, saying only, "Yes, ma'am!" when he has to answer her. Rebecca says that while she loves Adam Ant, this isn't a strong enough reason for they to stay together. She adds that she is tired of being his mother. I suppose this gives her the free get-out-of-jail card to mercilessly castrate and humiliate Adam on TV. What a funny way to treat a man she claims to love! Adam voices over that Rebecca treats him like a kid and he feels like he's her "caddy" or "lackey". Well, better a caddy or a lackey than a doormat, I suppose. Hey, wait a minute.
12:19 am. The Fre&Ks leave. Freddy, who is feeling better, says that he and Kendra have an alliance with Aaron and Hayden. Apparently the other Teams call this alliance the Model Alliance. I'm sure the Model Alliance, along with the Twin Hunt, will go down in the history of the show as the Most Creative Nickname Ever. Freddy says that the two Teams work very well together so they will keep doing so in order to push themselves to the front. Or something. As things always tend to be on this show, the Model Alliance doesn't turn out the way the parties in the Alliance intended things to be, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
The Superdumbos arrive at the gates to the All-You-Can-Drink Merry Cask of Intoxicated Love only to realize that the place will be closed until 10:00 am. Lori is not the only one to say it when she announces that she wants to kick someone's ass. The only difference is that she is saying it with a semblence of dry humor while I really, really want to kick Bonghammer's ass. This season introduces the great concept of limiting Roadblocks to six per Team member only to screw things up by bunching everyone six hundred times per episode. What happened, Bonghammer? The Goth-Nots arrive and look at the operation hours on the sign in dismay. As the other Teams arrive, Rebecca tells them sardonically, "Welcome to our hotel for the night!" So the Teams do what they have to do - no, not pushing down the gates and charging through - and unroll their sleeping bags on the pavement.
9:59 am soon arrives and the Teams are awake and alert, ready to dash through the gates. At 10:00 am sharp, the gates are opened and the barbarians charge through. They run into the mansion of the vineyard, down the stairs and passages of wine cellar - where Aaron complains that it is hard for him as he is 6'5" - and shout at each other whether they have seen the wine cask they are supposed to be looking for. In the confusion where everyone seems to be running in different directions while calling the other Team partner to follow, finally the Tick locate the Rákóczi first and calls for Captain Liberty to get there quickly. The Tick always knows where the good drinks are to be had, after all. He has to if he's going to handle Captain Liberty on a daily basis. The other Teams naturally follow the man's voice and soon they too are grabbing for their clue from the clue stand. Nobody gets a sip from the wine cask though, alas. If only Fat Gus is here. I miss Fat Gus.
As the Teams read their clue, Philo explains that Teams must now travel some 1,300 miles to the town of Ajaccio in the French island of Corsica. Man, we're never leaving Europe. At Ajaccio, Teams must locate the home that is the birthplace of the hero of last season's Colin, Napoleon Bonaparte. Maison Bonaparte is now a museum. Since this is a museum, what can we expect when the Teams get there, children? That's right - bunching! This Season blows chunks. The Mollywoods manage to be the first Team to get a cab to take them to the airport but they decide to wait for the Fre&Ks to come out and get a cab too. The Fre&Ks thankfully emerge after the Superdumbos and the Goth-Nots get cabs and rush off because it will look so silly if the Mollywoods have to wait until everyone has left only to realize that the Fre&Ks are still down there in the cellar, getting drunk and having wild sex because Kendra is so, so happy that they are actually going to France.
Hayden flaps her arms at the cab driver from the back of the cab while Aaron looks at her with an expession that is a mix of "Good Lord, she's batcrap crazy!" and "If I laugh, will she castrate me?" sentiments. What is she trying to say? "I'm a crazy hen, watch me try to fly"? Wait, she's telling the the cab driver to take them to the airport. Wasn't it only in the last episode that she told Aaron that she didn't care if she talked to Hungarian cab drivers in Spanish? Say something in Spanish, Hayden!
Meanwhile, the Templates stop at a pet grooming parlor to use the phone. They want to be cute so of course they stop at where the cute doggies are and not at some convenience store like we mortals would. Naturally, Jon will use his hand to pet a doggie as he uses the phone because ladies, he loves dog so you can call him and ask him to take your virginities at the earliest opportunity. Kris sneezes because she is allergic to dogs, awww, isn't she cute too? Jon calls up Air France to reserve seats on a flight to Corsica. Can they do that? I know I will never be able to just call and reserve seats unless I personally go down there to the counter and pay up but maybe it's just how things work over at this part of the world. Elsewhere, the STDs decide to head to a travel agent to get the tickets.
Also elsewhere, Adam Ant asks Rebecca whether he should hog the ticket counter or she should like she did the last time. She tells him to be quiet. "Yeah, that's what I thought," he says aloud dryly. He tells the camera that he is being excluded from Rebecca's decision-making. It's quite funny, really. Rebecca keeps ragging on Adam for being a spoiled and immature kid but from the way things are going, she is giving him a run for his money when it comes to being childish. Ahead at the airport, the Superdumbos check out Malev for tickets for their earliest flight to Corsica. They get seats on a flight that will stop by Lyon before taking them to Corsica. At the travel agency, amidst the usual arguments where he would tell to be quiet when she speaks and crows that he's a genius when he gets seats on a flight (the usual), the STDs also manage to get themselves on the same flight at the Superdumbos.
Rebecca queues up behind the Superdumbos at the airport while Adam goes off to another counter, saying that he has never negotiated for airline tickets before and he wants to learn how. Oh my, does one have to actually learn something in order to get airline tickets from a counter? Usually just flashing them the money (or the credit card) while asking them to put me on a flight will do the trick. Rebecca, upon hearing Adam's great plan, waves him away, prompting him to declare, without irony, that Rebecca is at the moment "the most dramatic retard". These two use that word "retard" a lot. Maybe it's true what they say about becoming the words they use too often. I don't think Adam's great adventure turns out too well because the next scene sees him lying miserably on the seat and telling the camera that he will try and behave himself while Rebecca gets tickets for them. Poor baby, did the ticket counter people fall over laughing at his hair or something? Adam is upset that Rebecca thinks that he's a "moron". Rebecca would have to stop crowing so much about her maturity and ability to get things done though when she learns that there are no more tickets available on the Malev flight. She is told to check out Terminal 2B, which is apparently the actual terminal for international flights, for other airlines that may have seats on their flights. As the Goth-Nots run to Terminal 2B, the Mollywoods and the Fre&Ks pull up outside the terminal in question and walk right in. Air France is the solution to all their problems.
The STDs reach the airport. Pornathan takes the opportunity to turn to the camera and says that it is now "obvious" as to who is "playing the game" and who isn't. Um, okay, whatever, now eat knife and die of a perforated throat, asswipe. This somehow leads to him saying that he doesn't like Captain Liberty because the woman has big masculine hands and an equally masculine voice. Methinks he only likes women he can belittle, shove, and treat like crap because his insecure ego isn't able to handle a woman like Captain Liberty who can break his girly-voiced asswipe body in two with just one hand. When the STDs learn that the Superdumbos will be on the same flight to Corsica, both Teams are not pleased and Captain Liberty takes the opportunity to take a few verbal punches at Pornathan to the camera. While finding things to hate about Pornathan is like stealing candies from mute babies - way too easy - the more Pornathan hate the better, I say. Both Teams take off. Woosh!
Over at Terminal 2B, the Model Alliance and the Goth-Nots get tickets without much fuss. The Templates then walk in only to be told that there are no more tickets left as the flight is about to depart. Jon with a smile tells him that they have reservations and hands the ticket fellow his and Kris' passports. The guy repeats that he can't sell them any tickets. Jon asks the man to "please try. Nope, the man will not budge. Jon and Kris somehow manage to get another man to take over the stubborn guy, I think (the show doesn't elaborate) and Jon asks this man to help them. Kris adds, "Please, please, please!" She's saying this while having that same vacant grin on her face which makes me seriously creeped out. And then the guy sells them the tickets anyway. What drama queens, these Hungarian airport staff are. Just sell them tickets instead of getting my hopes up that the plastic smiley dolls that are the Templates will not make that flight. Bastards!
Rebecca cheerfully tells the cameras as she, Adam, and the Model Alliance wait to go through the departure gate that she isn't sure whether Kris and Jon will make it. "Kris and Jon are five feet behind you," Adam cuts in sarcastically. Rebecca now has to pretend that she is actually more cheerful to see the Templates, heh.
Philo explains that the Teams are now flying to Corsica. I'm so glad they tell me because I will never figure that one out on my own.
6:40 pm. The first plane lands and the STDs decide to get the Superdumbos to form an alliance (manly woman, girly asshole man, stumpy giant man, and fake-boobed victim - maybe they can call themselves the Circus Attractions) and reach the Maison Bonaparte only to learn that the place closes at 6:00 pm and will open only at 9:00 am the next morning. Sigh, the Teams should have just sat at the airport bistro and relax for a few hours, read the papers, enjoy some coffee and cake, and then take a late night flight when they are rested and all freshened up. At 7:15 pm, the second flight lands. They too will have to find ways to kill time until the next morning.
9:00 am. The Teams run through the doors and up the stairs. I hope they don't break anything too expensive. Oh, I think I now know what Armand Assante is doing now that his career is pretty much so far down the drain I don't think there is any way that it is coming back. He is now playing Napoleon in Maison Bonaparte! He hands the Teams their Clue (Pornathan insists on shaking his hand) and winks at the camera so adorably. Colin, watching the show, runs to the mirror and vows to practise winking for at least three hours every morning. The clue now tells the Team to run out of the Maison and go someplace else. I'm not joking. They make the Teams wait for hours on this show to get a stupid envelope and then tell them to go somewhere else, where they will no doubt have to wait for a few hours before getting the next envelope. I don't know what to say anymore so let's just move on.
Also included is the second and therefore last Fast Forward on the Race. The Goth-Nots are the first to receive the clue from Armand Assante and Rebecca reads out the Fast Forward instructions. Philo explains that Team wishing to do the Fast Forward must head on down to the nearest harbor and gear up in "old-style diving suits" - think of those old astronaut costumes with big helmet thingies - that can weigh more than a hundred pounds. Teams must then walk along the ocean floor and remove the clue from a lobster trap. Rebecca tells Adam Ant as she runs ahead of her true love that they have to do the Fast Forward because she is a certifed driver. "I'm not!" Adam tells her as he runs after her, "I don't think this is a good idea!" She pays him no heed. Sometimes I think that deep inside she really wants to see Adam suffer.
While the other Teams decide to wisely head overlook the Fast Forward, the STDs decide to go for it. This is going to be good. For the other Teams, they must take the vehicle provided for them somewhere outside Maison Bonaparte and drive about a hundred miles to Camp Rafalli in Calvi. Philo explains that Camp Rafalli is a French Foreign Legion boot camp. Oh good, maybe they will torture our American Teams in some roadblock.
Down at the harbor, Adam doesn't think he wants to get into the antique diving gear. Why doesn't he? The giant helmet goes along great with his Marvin the Martian face! The STDs show up as Adam is whining and Rebecca is suiting up. They learn that they have to wait until the Goth-Nots complete the Fast Forward task (read: just turn back because there's no point waiting, surely). Won't it be more interesting if they make the STDs and the Goth-Nots compete for the Fast Forward? This show is way too intent on taking things easy if you ask me. Pornathan actually wants to wait and see whether the Goth-Nots will flop at the task. Tori points out that there is no way that the Goth-Nots can not get the clue down at the lobster trap. The STDs unhappily get back into their cab - arguing all the way, as usual - and ask the driver to take them to Camp Rafalli. Adam is still whining as the dive supervisors check to see whether he is suited up properly. Maybe someone should hand him a mirror. Adam looks like an adorable Scooby Doo villain in that outfit.
Back to Maison Bonaparte, Teams begin looking down the street for their vehicles. They soon find the vehicles. Hayden and Aaron get into one, with Hayden as usual taking the driver's seat but she then declares that she cannot drive it (don't know why, maybe she can't bear to see her own face in the rear mirror) and insists that Aaron drive instead. Aaron takes over but mutters audibly that Hayden cannot read maps. The last time Aaron took over the wheel was a disaster because Hayden cannot read the maps so there is no doubt that he is not eager to repeat the same fiasco. Unfortunately, he hasn't driven very far when Hayden announces that she cannot understand the map and asks Aaron to wait until the Fre&Ks have caught up with them and then follow the Fre&Ks. Other Teams take to the road. This must be those rare times that people can't wait to go to a boot camp.
Back at the harbor, Adam calls out to anyone who cares to pass on to his mother that he loves her. Adam's mother calls up Camp Rafalli and enquires whether they are still accepting new recruits. She and Daddy will pounce on Adam when he is asleep, tie him up, and pack him and his favorite teddy bear into a giant box before Fed-Exing it to Camp Rafalli. The supervisor clamps down the helmet over Adam's head, effectively lowering the volume of his whining. Not that I'm saying that he does that in the first place to tone down Adam, of course, but that supervisor has my gratitude nonetheless. The supervisor then explains to Adam about the valve inside Adam's helmet that Adam must trigger in order for him to sink into the sea. I don't know about anyone else but if I'm scared of diving - like Adam apparently is - the last thing I want to do is to pull something that will apparently sends me sinking deep into the sea like a rock.
Rebecca gets into the water, adjusts her valve, and proceeds to dive into the sea. On the other hand, Adam starts floating around on the surface, his hands flailing frantically as he cries that he cannot reach the valve. When the supervisors dive into the sea to help him out, he starts screaming that his jaw is hurting thanks to either the handlings of the supervisors or his helmet (I can't make out his frenzied cries). Heh, this is funny.
On their way to Camp Rafalli, Pornathan is blaming Tori for their inability to go for the Fast Forward. Yeah, I don't understand why he is blaming her either but I guess he has to take it out on someone so it may as well be his darling wife. Whatever, really. I'm so desensitized with these two crazies at this point that I suspect I will yawn if they kill each other on screen.
The Fre&Ks stop and ask for directions. The Templates also stop and ask for directions. The Superdumbos and the STDs zoom past the Fre&Ks along the road, prompting Freddy to tell the camera that he isn't worried about being beaten by the Superdumbos because to him, those two are as dumb as "a stick in the mud". Oh, Freddy. Sometimes being pretty means never to speak, although I must admit that I don't think the Superdumbos rate very high in the navigation skill department. But this time around, the Superdumbos do know where to go. The Templates manage to get directions and take off too. The Fre&Ks then take off with the Mollywoods following. Aaron happily says that the Model Alliance is in full effect, although this alliance seems more like parasitism to me. Unfortunately, things happen and somehow the Mollywoods fall behind and soon lose sight of the Fre&Ks altogether. Oops, where did everybody go? Hayden then announces that she will be driving, no doubt having reached enlightenment in the car driving department while meditating at the backseat or something. Aaron rolls up his eyes and starts looking through their maps. Hayden tells the camera that while she loves the Fre&Ks, she thinks that it is time the Mollywoods do their own thing. See, it is entirely her choice to drive. It's because she wants to drive, people, and not because she has to because the Fre&Ks are MIA and Hayden cannot read the maps. With that clear, she tries to take them back on the road.
Dramatic Star Wars victory music plays as Rebecca walks along the ocean floor and retrieve the clue from the lobster trap. This is like the first shrew on the moon or something, cool. The music quickly changes to the Looney Tunes duh theme song when the camera cuts to Adam, still flailing comically on his back on the surface as he wails and screams like a little kid being forced to take a bath. Words cannot describe how hilarious that poor baby is in that scene. His whiny voice sounds hilariously robotic through his helmet. He can give the whiny C3P0 a run for C3P0's money. You have to watch it yourself to savor the schadenfraude. Finally, after a few tries where a poor guy is actually tossed into the water by one of Adam's wildly flailing hands, the diving supervisors manage to haul the 100-pound suited Adam back onto the pier where he sits and breathes heavily as if he's just survived a deathwatch with a giant white shark.
Rebecca presents the clue to the chief supervisor who then drops the bombshell: Adam must go down to the lobster wharf and at least touches it before making his way back before the Goth-Nots can receive their Fast Forward reward. Adam Ant actually starts to sob that he doesn't want to go back down there and Rebecca wants to kill him, she really does, boo-hoo-hoo. Rebecca tells him that he has to go down and touch the lobster wharf so that they can both get out of here. She tells the camera that everything is up to Adam now and then gives the camera this look which suggests that she is so sure that Adam will chicken out and they will both in trouble as a result. As Adam is slowly lowered back into the water, she continues to sigh heavily and calls the Fast Forward a "Slow Forward" because she doesn't think that Adam has the guts to complete the task.
While I understand about feeling frustrated by Adam's ineptness, I am not feeling so sanguine about Rebecca's willingness to show so much mocking contempt to Adam behind his back on TV. She is making it way too easy for Adam to come off like the poor sad mistreated puppy in their relationship. Women will want to throw themselves at Adam and nurse the poor thing while men will run the other way from Rebecca because they all think that she's a castrating heartless woman. Has she ever thought about that? She is letting Adam win.
Adam manages to locate the valve this time and he can slowly sink down to the ocean floor. Now he has another problem: he doesn't know how to move in that suit and hollers and wails accordingly. Rebecca jumps onto her feet and pretty much grabs a walkie-talkie from one of the supervisors and talks to Adam this way. She directs him on how to slowly operate the valve until he finally can stabilize himself on the ocean floor and walk. She then tells him to move by using his toes to push himself forward in small little hops. Adam, when he realizes that he is moving, squeals happily that he can "do it". When he touches the lobster trap, he cries that he has "done it" and he is now "coming" back to Rebecca. Oh my goodness, I laugh until my ribs ache and my tears actually fall at how pitifully eager Adam sounds when he tells Rebecca that he is coming back to her. He sounds just like a puppy who expects to be treated with a cuddle because he has finally mastered some trick. Maybe with a more patient and understanding mistress, he will get the hug he wants so badly. Inspirational victory music swells into a crescendo as Adam climbs onto the pier, flushed with triumph. Rebecca tells the camera how proud she is of Adam. If he can locate the valve, maybe he can be trained to locate her G spots now too. The answer is still no, Rebecca? Sorry, Adam, I tried my best but she's not coming back, boo-hoo.
The Goth-Nots can now board a private Cessna plane that will take them straight to the Pit Stop of this leg of the Race, the La Pietra hotel in Ile Rousse. Ile Rousse has a history of being the founded by the noteworthy governor of yore Pascal Paoli. They are excited to be on the plane until Rebecca remembers while they are in the air that she is scared of flying and asks Adam to hold her hand. He happily agrees and says with exaggerated relief that he is finally of use to her for once. As they fly, Rebecca fancies that the Teams are somewhere on the road below and announces to "them" that she and Adam have the Fast Forward. Enjoy the feeling while it last, toots. I have this feeling that the first stop of the next leg will only open at 10:00 am in the morning.
Here we are at Camp Rafalli. The STDs and the Superdumbos are the first Teams to arrive and realize that they now have to perform a Detour. Philo steps out to explain that in "Climb Up", Teams must use ascenders (like the ones they used to scale the Lagen Wall in the Philippines in the previous season) to climb up a wall. When they reach the top, they must approach a "French officer" and receive a medal from him. Teams must then rappel down another wall to get to the bottom. As to be expected, this option requires strength and speed. In "Fly Behind", one Team member will be on a small raft-like thingie and another Team member will be in a boat that will drag the other Team member along. Sort of like water gliding, really, except that the person being pulled is lying on his stomach on the raft-like thing. The Team member in the boat will direct the boat driver to one of the 25 buoys scattered around the area. At a buoy, the Team member that is being dragged along will dive down to the sea floor and pull up a clue attached to the end of a chain that is tethered from the buoy. The thing is, out of the 25 buoys, only 12 have actual clues attached to them. The rest are mock clues bearing the phrase "Try again".
The Superdumbos of course go for the wall. Aaaargh, here they come! The STDs start quarreling again. The Fre&Ks show up and they too decide to tackle the wall. Pornathan calls Tori "useless" because she wants them to do the wall but he goes along anyway until they see the wall, upon which he announces that he's not going to do anything that he can't do and turn the other way. But what can he do, honestly, other than screaming at his wife and stinking up my TV? The Templates show up and they too go for the wall. Pornathan glides and Tori directs in the boat when they hit the seaside, with Tori taking only two seconds before shrieking that she cannot see any buoy. She sounds like she's dying or something. What an unpleasant couple she and her husband make.
The Goth-Nots reach the Pit Stop and leisurely approaches Philo who then tells them that he will only check them in at 8:00 am tomorrow. Kidding. He announces that they are team number one and gives them a trip to the Caribbean. I hope Adam takes this free vacation to smooch Rebecca into a romantic mood but knowing him, he'd probably bring along his mother and ruin everything. Rebecca announces to all and sundry that she feels that Adam has "tapped" into "what he's capable of". I know. If he can locate the valve, he can locate the G spot too. The man has some hope in him yet.
Hayden is on a meltdown again. This time, she is talking about how she wants to drive the vehicle into the car ahead of her. Not liking it one bit that he has to share the vehicle with a nutcase, Aaron snaps at her, "Hayden, control your road rage!"
Kris, the Tick, and Freddy are the first to climb the wall while their partners watch. Freddy seems to know his way around an ascender so he is soon at the top while the others are struggling. Now that he's at the top, it is now Kendra's turn to climb the wall. She turns to the camera and flexes her biceps as she says that she will have to "pull out some GI Jane". Now, I know TAR fans can be a notoriously judgmental bunch who aren't above reinterpreting events or having convenient selective memory to justify their hatred of a particular Team but I cannot understand how there are people out there who call Kendra a useless partner. She performs most of the physical tasks with enthusiasm and now she climbs the wall steadily, barring a few missteps with the ascender. She is fast catching up with Kris and the Tick, prompting the Tick to moan that he's being beaten by a bunch of "girls". Luckily for him, he manages to reach the top before either of the women or his testicles may shrink more than Adam's at the end of this leg of the Race.
Out in the sea, Tori is proving that she can be as crazy as Pornathan when she starts screaming and berating her husband for... I don't know, everything apparently. Their first buoy doesn't have the clue, which sees her screaming at her husband, wanting to know how the clue can't be there (as if it is Pornathan's fault), and then screeching angrily when she can't see any more buoys. I can't bear to watch. What are the other Teams doing?
Kris and Kendra reach the top at around the same time but Kris has to wait for Jon to climb up while Kendra and Freddy are free to get their medal and rappel down the wall at the other end. Freddy tells Kendra that she is awesome and she is, actually. She and Kris are great female Team partners that are pulling their weight on the Race and we don't get too many of such capable women. Jon overtakes Captain Liberty and the Templates get ready to rappel. The Fre&Ks, at this time, are getting into their vehicle. Kendra rereads the clue to Freddy. Teams must now travel to a winery in Zilia, a village located ten miles from the boot camp.
Only then do the Mollywoods show up. They tackle the wall. Aaron goes up first. Hayden follows only to do such a laughably inept job that I would giggle at her frantic "Aaron! Aaron!" if she isn't so pathetic. She is hopeless and yet she berates Aaron non-stop and acts like an out-of-control shrew most of the time. Aaron just leans over the wall and looks down on her as if he cannot comprehend what he is doing here with that crazy, screaming wild-eyed woman screaming his name at his face. Out there in the sea, Pornathan uncovers another dud buoy and Tori screams at him and he screams back and it is all I can do not to throw something at the TV. But in between Tori screaming at Pornathan for being a loser that will make them lose and how this Detour is also a "loser" and Pornathan screaming back that she is a "moron", somehow they actually locate one of the 12 buoys with a clue and drats, they can now take off to Zilia too. As they reach their vehicle, Pornathan notices some Teams still rappeling (the Templates and the Superdumbos) and tells Tori that they are still in the Race. I want to cry.
The Templates and the Superdumbos leave for Zilia shortly after. And now it is up to Hayden to rappel down first. Again, she falters, hanging over the wall and whimpering Aaron's name while Aaron just looks at her with a dead-eyed, half-grimace expression on his face. I think somewhere along the trip to the camp he has completely snapped and has now zoned out Hayden in his mind. I mean, he doesn't even laugh when Hayden smashes her butt against the wall and wince. That means he's zoned out completely, I tell you.
The Fre&Ks have reached the winery and realize that it's now time for a Roadblock. Philo gives the usual Roadblock chatter (six per Team member, yadda yadda) and then explains that for this Roadblock, the Team member must get into a barrel filled with grapes and use their feet to stomp out three bottles full of wine. Philo emphasizes that the Racers can only use their feet, which is important in case some jokers decide to use their head, hands, or worse, buttocks. After the Team member has filled up three bottles of wine, he or she must drink a glass of that wine before the Team can receive their next clue.
Kendra becomes to get into one of the barrel and start stomping and even doing jumping jacks as Freddy looks on approvingly. I'm sure people who appreciate the sight of bouncing, bra-less bosoms are looking on approvingly as well. This show has turned into a Fear Factor couples special.
Aaron tells the one person out there who cares whether Hayden will survive the rappeling (hello, Hayden's mom) that he is sure that Hayden will make it to the ground. And indeed, she does. At the winery, Kendra fills up one bottle and Freddy replaces the bottle with an empty one. Kendra goes "Wooo!" as Freddy tells her what a great job she is doing. Somewhere farther behind, the STDs and the Superdumbos are approaching the winery. Back at the boot camp, Aaron rappels down. Hayden looks at him going down and says in her best bitchy voice, "Go, Aaron!" In their vehicle, Hayden has the cheek to tell Aaron that they "suck" when she is not being "high-paced and aggressive". The complete lack of self-awareness on her part is simply unbelievable. When she then proceeds to nag at Aaron for not knowing which way she should turn, he tells her that she is a... well, he doesn't say that word aloud because he loves his peace and quiet too much. "No! I'm not a bitch!" Hayden answers anyway. Is there where I snort and say, "Oh puh-leeze, Miz Bitchiest of All Bitches Almighty"? Hayden insists that Aaron has to do something or she will hyperventilate. How about watching her hyperventilate and then laughing at her face when it turns blue? Just a suggestion, really.
Kendra happily finishes the grape-stomping and giddily drinks the wine she has spiced up with her perfumed toenail cake. They can now head straight to La Pietra eighteen miles from here, a place which Philo describes inadequately as a "scenic overlook", and check it at the Pit Stop. The STDs pull up at the Fre&Ks leave. Pornathan stomps the grapes while Tori, fully getting into her female terminator psycho mode at this point, gives instructions that Pornathan will ignore in her most grating voice.
As the Fre&Ks' vehicle pulls out, they pass the Templates. Freddy stops long enough to poke his head out of the window and tell Jon that the Roadblock is easy. How nice of him. Kendra is not too pleased though. As they drive to the Pit Stop, she tells him to keep things to themselves for the rest of the Race. The Templates reach the wine barrels where Kris does the Roadblock. Because they are so cute, they will be laughing and cooing about how cool they both are to each other while Kris does her best to look like Lucille Ball. I have never seen two people who are so enamored of each other's "coolness" and "hotness". If they do get married, I think I will send them a good thesaurus as a wedding gift.
The Superdumbos also show up. It's becoming crowded in the winery. The Tick is really fed up with Captain Liberty, it seems, because as she snaps at him who-knows-what (I am so numbed by all those couples arguing that I have to stop paying attention to what they are saying in order to remain sane), the Tick lifts one hand threateningly like the way one would do if one wants to slap another person, only to pull back his hand. It is not an act of physical violence as much as a gesture of deliberate intimidation, it seems. But Captain Liberty seems to think nothing of the gesture and in fact actually presses on with her nagging so I don't think these two are even close to being as vile as the STDs. They just need to... be quiet more often.
There is a dog watching the chaotic and noisy grape-stomping party. Kris eyes the dog uneasily because remember, she's allergic to those creatures. Meanwhile, Pornathan has some problems. Tori explains that there must be a blockage in the funnel of the barrel because no matter how hard Pornathan stomps on the grapes, no wine comes out. To Pornathan, she keeps shrieking at him to "make a moat". Judging from the way Pornathan shrieks back at her, I don't think he knows what a moat is. Captain Liberty is still nagging at the Tick, prompting Tick to announce to the people around him what a bitch Captain Liberty is. This is one happy party indeed. Finally Pornathan seems to understand that there is something blocking the funnel like Tori is trying to tell him. He manages to kick around and get the wine flowing again, only to earn him another ear-splitting round of irrational nagging from Tori. Apparently now Tori is blaming him for letting other Teams beat the STDs. Sure enough, the Templates and then the Superdumbos finish the Roadblock and take off. (Jon's verdict on the Roadblock? "Sweet!" This guy needs help.) Pornathan screams at Tori to shut up. The black dog whimpers and flees for its life.
In the Templates' vehicle, Kris tells the camera that she is a fan of I Love Lucy and jokes that her Lucille Ball face helped during the Roadblock. To demonstrate, she puts on that face where she looks like the mask the villian wore in those Scream movies. Oh, Kris, I think she may have to keep waitressing a little longer because with her talent, I don't think those ingenue roles in daytime soaps will be coming her way anytime soon.
The Fre&Ks check in at the Pit Stop. They are team number two. Since I am the only person out there who don't mind these two, I hope I have not jinxed them by my rooting for them.
Tori is screaming at Pornathan. La, la, la, I can't hear her.
On the road to the winery (that is, I hope it's the correct road), Hayden doesn't understand why Aaron isn't becoming out-of-control insane like her and accuses him of not caring whether they win or lose. Watching her going off like this on Aaron, I'm not surprised that Aaron is being very quiet. We shouldn't agitate rabid dogs further, after all. Hayden realizes that she is not getting through to Aaron and stops the car. She says that she is no longer driving and he will have to do it. He quietly gets behind the wheel and drive. Sometime later, she quite hesitantly tells him that she has had a rough day so she's sorry. Finally, Aaron speaks up. He tells her that he is tired of her constantly apologizing only to keep doing her crap anyway so he doesn't want her apology, he just want her to cram it. Hayden petulantly insists that she has been very calm during this leg of the Race. The fact that she is dead serious when she says this only makes her come off as even more pathetic. But hey, she doesn't care if Aaron doesn't want her apology, so there, hmmmph!
The STDs are finally done with the Roadblock but are they happy? She blames him for making them last and he says that they deserve to be eliminated because they don't work as a team. Oh, is that the care police siren I hear? Whoops, the care police just whizz by. Sorry, STDs, nobody cares. Better luck next time.
The Mollywoods reach the winery. The show editors don't even care to conjure any suspense at this point by pretending that the Mollywoods can somehow catch up with the STDs. Aaron does the Roadblock, which isn't wise considering how inept Hayden generally is when it comes to physical tasks and Aaron is using up his share of six Roadblocks quickly.
The Templates and the Superdumbos reach La Pietra and dash to the Finishing Mat. Back at the winery, Aaron fills up three bottles with wine and takes a drink after a quiet Merci. Aaron, take a rest now. It's been a long day. Ahead at La Pietra, the Superdumbos make it to Philo and the VIP first - team number three - and the Templates are team number four.
The last two Teams bicker all the way to the Pit Stop but the STDs pull up first at La Pietra. Aaron says he thinks he knows a short-cut. Well, he's one smart man because the STDs are surprised on their way to the Finishing Mat when the Mollywoods show up at La Pietra and start running to Philo as well. Both Teams are running and running and... "Phil, you're a hard man to find!" Pornathan says as he and Tori step on the Mat. Philo looks like he doesn't know anything to say to that that doesn't involve "get the hell away from me". He finally says that they are team number five.
Ah, the Mollywoods. But wait, this is not an elimination round, so the Mollywoods are still in the Race after surrendering their money to Philo. Hayden is relieved. As for Aaron, he looks stunned. Seriously, he looks like a horrified man who has just learned that he will be force to share the same vehicle, same plane, and same room with Hayden for one more leg. He tells the camera that he doesn't know how to stop Hayden from becoming batcrap crazy and he knows that Hayden's crazy behavior is keeping them back on the Race. In a separate confessional, Hayden concedes that she could have cost the Mollywoods the entire Race today. Well, if Aaron's poleaxed expression upon learning that this isn't a non-elimination leg is anything to go by, she better work hard at getting the dough because I don't think she will be getting Aaron as a consolation prize if the money slips through her fingers.
By the way, what kind of idiot puts a Fast Forward in a non-elimination leg anywhere?