Before YouTube, recapping music videos is totally a thing and not a waste of time. Really..
THE AMAZING RACE
Season 5 Episode 12: You Just Made Me a Millionaire
In a very special "Previously", Philo "Fed-Ex or DHL for the package, sir?" Koughie talks about everything that has taken place in this Best Season Ever Were Not For The Wretched Final Three So It'll Be A Close To The Best Season Ever season. Say hello one last time and a last goodbye to FauxMulder and his Ex (last guys do finish last), the shrieking meltdown of Alison and her Donkey (whose bright idea is it to let them loose on the show anyway?), Lillie and Brobbie aren't so cute as much as they are weaselly and I love them for that, the emergence of the C+Cs as Bitch Midget Man and his Bitch Queen, two fat pigs quit, bye bye Friends of Gulliver (sigh), guess who nearly got arrested, the dim-witted Downtown Hiltons finally get their long overdue elimination, and finally, only last week Colin bonded with an ox after getting Yielded but the stupid timing was such that the C+Cs weren't eliminated after nearly self-destructing psychologically from being Yielded. And now, we are down to the final four Teams. Since there is only one genuinely tough and nice Team left, I guess it is a no-brainer who will get eliminated first, thanks to the Curse of the Fourth Place and a stupid Roadblock.
Credits. Don't quote me please but I hear that Colin really believes that he will look taller on TV if he wears black more often. Of course, it doesn't work but nobody wants to be the one to tell him that because Colin is a mean old man in a midget man's body. You don't mess with short people who are mean. They have little cars that go beep-beep-beep and little voices going peep-peep-peep, and let's not even start with the grubby fingers and dirty little minds. We don't want no short people 'round here, no siree!
We are in Manila. Three short and fat Filipino men in chicken suits are snapping their fingers and swaying their bodies as they burst into a beautiful acapella all about shorties that go peep-peep-peep - just kidding - as Philo steps out in front of the Coconut Palace, the last Pit Stop, which he describes as a tribute to Pope John Paul the Second. An overpriced hotel and liqour establishment dedicated to the Pope? I've heard everything now. The imaginary acapella trio bursts into the Beautiful South's Don't Marry Her: "I’ll never grow so old and flabby/That I could never be/Don’t marry her, f**k me/And the Sunday sun shines down on San Francisco Bay/And you realize you can’t make it anyway/You have to wash the car/Take the kiddies to the park/Don’t marry her, f**k me!" Philo, that is our song, baby.
But before the Race gets off to a rousing start, first there is the inevitable post-Yield showdown between Chip and the C+Cs. Kim is standing back and formulating her Big Plan in her head, whatever that Plan is. Colin half-heartedly hugs Chip but Christie refuses because she says that Chip has exploited the C+Cs' "naive-ah-tee" so nah-too-ral-lee she is not going to be his best friend forever anymore. Both she and Colin go on and on about how untrustworthy the Quotas are because the Quotas took advantage of their guh-lee-bee-la-tee (what, I don't do a good impersonation of Chre-eee-es-tie?). Because you know, when the C+Cs are last the Quotas should remember that they are all best friends forever and wait at the airport so that the C+Cs can overtake them and be first again and that way, the C+Cs will love everybody again. Did I get that right, Colin and Christie? What bird-brained tools, the both of them. Seriously, both of those smug rude jerks with huge cases of self-entitlement deserve each other. Christie is horrified that the other Teams want to win this Race. Yes, shocking, I know. What is the world coming to when Ms The Ass In Texas here cannot get people to let her win because she is so pretty?
Oh, and the C+Cs decide to harass people outside the Coconut Palace for money. Beggars must be more commonplace there than I thought because there are people who pony up the dough. A guy asks for a kiss from Christie after he has given her a twenty and she obliges. Before people start mistaking Christie for a prune-faced tranny looking for johns, the C+Cs decide that they have enough money, contrary to Kim's hopes, and retire for the night.
3:46 am. Chip and his baggage named "Kim" are the first to leave. Their clue tells them to go to Luneta Park and locate the statue of the "philosopher" Jose Rizal for their next Clue. Oh, Jose, what have they done to his legacy? The pacifist is now a prop in a reality show! As they hop into a cab, Chip says that he is now going to be all Mr Serious about the Race. He will "go for the jurgular"! He says that the time is now "Kim time"! What the heck is "Kim time"? Is it like the time when I would sit in the corner, doing nothing and having a frown on my face while scowling at my man as he does all the work? Kim time, baby! Kim says that if they keep doing what they have been doing - how nice of her to give her husband some shared credit on the Race, if I may say so - she is confident that they will win. It's Kim time, yeah baby! The imaginary acapella trio bursts into She Works Hard For The Money in an attempt at irony as the Quotas' cab speeds off into the dark streets.
3:54 am. The Bates Sisters are off. They chirp, squeal, and are all sunny despite the hour because they are the first all-women Team to come this far in the Race and they are sure that they may even win the Race. Woo-hoo! ("Oh yeah? We'll see about that," hisses Bonghammer as he turns to his minions, "Bring me a mountain. Now.") But before they can conquer the world, the Bates Sisters have to get a cab. There are no cabs in sight. "Mama oooh!" wails the imaginary acapella trio, "Didn’t mean to make you cry/If I’m not back again this time tomorrow/Carry on! Carry on!/As if nothing really matters..." What? Queen sounds quite appropriate for this moment, after all.
3:57 am. The imaginary acapella trio switches from Bohemian Rhapsody to Jeff Buckley's Hallelujah as the GLPPs get ready to leave. "She tied you to her kitchen chair/She broke your throne and she cut your hair" - wait, except that Joan and Moppet refused to cut their hair in Calcutta - "And from your lips she drew the hallelujah!" Moppet says that he is so happy to be still on the Race. Joan says that it annoys her when he is so content because she didn't come here to be third, no. She wants to win! If Moppet doesn't buck up she'll have to... er... um... (Don't say "do the Roadblock" because she will scream in horror and fall into a comatose and then poor Moppet will cry - you don't want that to happen, right?) "But love is not a victory march/It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah," the imaginary acapella trio intones, "Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelu-uuu-jah." And the GLPPs get into their cab. The Bates Sisters also manage to get a cab around the same time.
4:02 am. Hey, all those people who keep going on and on about how the Yield is nasty and potentially destructive, look at just how far the poor C+Cs are lagging behind the rest! I'm sure they wouldn't catch up! The Yield is so unfair, isn't it? Yup, the C+Cs finally leave. Colin tries to joke that someone has forgotten to put $17 (the amount each Team receives for this leg of the Race) into their envelope. I have $17 for him if he can shove his head up his ass for me. He and his crusty girlfriend again play the broken record about how the Quotas supposedly betray them and other illogical nonsense before vowing to beat the Quotas as revenge will be sweet. Or some such nonsense.
At this time the Quotas are already at the Luneta Park. They locate Jose Rizal without difficulty and realize that they must now head over to an airfield where there will be two chartered flights available to take the Teams to El Nido. Each flight can carry only two Teams and the first flight leaves at 10:45 am while the second leaves at 11:30 am. At El Nido, Teams will have to head to the docks, got on a designated boat, and let the boatman take them out to sea to a buoy for their next Clue. Wow, what a challenging series of tasks! I hope nobody gets lost from here to El Nido. The Quotas call for a cab accordingly. Shortly after, the GLLPs show up and leave, followed by the Bates Sisters. Spotting the Bates Sisters as they leave, the GLPPs become sure that the C+Cs will arrive shortly after the Bates Sisters. Thanks for the insight, geniuses.
As to be expected, the Quotas and the GLPPs sign up for the 10:45 am flight and the Bates Sisters and the C+Cs are due to leave at 11:30 am. Christie complains to Colin that their 15 minute behind the other Teams has been extended to 45 minutes. Give her a job at some think-tank, somebody, that woman is not only beautiful, she can count. Whoa.
10:45 am. Moppet says to the camera that he is not counting chickens before they are hatched, no doubt in response to some question on whether he sees himself winning. I'm sure he is leaving it to God to make the chickens hatch faster. The Quotas hold hands as they board the flight and Kim says that it is a "blessing" to have the C+Cs off their back. Wait until the C+Cs hear that even God is against them now. 11:30 am. The Bates Sisters are not happy that they have to race against the C+Cs because they don't think they can do it. Christie whines that she and Colin are "very close" to being eliminated and she says that as if I will be horrified at the possibility of that happening. For those who have just joined the party, no I won't be horrified at all. I may even throw a party when that happens.
Philo comes out to explain who is on which flight. Thanks, dude, but trust me, things are not confusing at all. If he wants to earn his pay, he should get Bonghammer to split the screen whenever the C+Cs are on and have Philo in some thong thingie doing his best male stripper impersonation on one side while Colin or Christie grit teeth and look bitchy-intense at the other.
At 11:45 am, the first plane lands and the two Teams share a chartered jeepney that will take them to the docks. Because there is a church at the roadside, Joan declares El Nido to be an "amazing" place. Hey, Joan, are the churches there as abundant as Starbucks? They locate their boats on the dock and they are off. 12:20 pm sees the remaining two Teams arriving. Sigh, the C+Cs soon have a lead over the Bates Sisters in their jeepney (no, they don't share this time around, maybe because there is no room for the amply sized Bates Sisters in a jeepney with the C+Cs and their ego). Anyway, back to the first two Teams, they locate the buoys and get their next Clue. They must now use the binoculars provided to scan three islands over the horizon. There is a flag on each island and the Teams must head over to the island that has the flag of the Philippines. Each island is twenty minutes from the other so a mistake can be costly to the Team, Philo insists. Yeah right. As the men of the Teams do the looking (surprise), Moppet has taken only one lens cap off his binoculars. I guess this is how he used to spy on the women changing in the YWCA but someone should tell him that it's easier to take off both lens cap. That person won't be Joan though, naturally.
Nobody seems to know what the flag looks like so in the end, the Quotas decide to just head off to one island at random and the GLPPs will follow them. Did someone say "lemmings"? Chip gets out of his boat at the island to check out the flag, realizes that it's not the island he is looking for, and get back on the boat. The GLPPs is still following the Quotas.
The Bates Sisters and the C+Cs are in their boats to the buoy. Colin decides to do that devil horn thingie with his hands when his Team is leading because... well, I guess having his boatman beat another boatman through no doing on his part is something to feel like a big man over. In a way, I feel a small measure of pity for him. Trying so hard to be a real man to make up for his tiny penis and stumpy height only to have no respect even when he has a model girlfriend to supplement his desperate overcompensations - that has to hurt. What Colin should do is to marry his fellow overcompensating wannabe Ryan Seacrest and move to Spain where they can set up a school there to teach aspiring He-Mans to run the bulls.
The Quotas are rightfully annoyed that the GLPPs intend to just sit in their boat and wait for Chip to let them know whether he has found the correct island. At least Kim is married to Chip as well as being his Race partner - what right do the GLPPs have to make Chip do the work? Kim and Chip decide to pretend that he has found the wrong island when he has in fact found the correct island and they nearly throw the GLPPs off their tail until Moppet finally decides to jump off the boat, get wet, and find out for himself whether they are at the correct place. Both he and Joan are angry that the Quotas lied to them. How dare the Quotas don't want to share information on anything in this Race! What will Jesus say?
By the way, is this some sort of record for this show for having some of the stupidest Teams ever to crack the top four? I don't remember them being this idiotic in the previous seasons.
Chip in his boat is sad that he has another Team mad at him. "So why not try to do a pair and then we'll do three of a kind?" he sighs. Well, if he wants people to love him so much, may I suggest that he quit the Race right now and become a clown for children's parties instead? Just a thought.
Meanwhile, the C+Cs are at the buoy and they have no idea what the flag looks like either. Colin is frustrated that they don't have some travel guide book to show them what the flag looks like. Like the Quotas, they decide to just head off to an island at random. The Bates Sisters, reaching the buoy next, decide to follow the C+Cs as well. Yes, they don't know what they are supposed to be looking for either. Like I said, this must be a new record of sorts when it comes to breaking the stupid bank of the show. No wonder the Race has become so dumbed-down. Some of these people will lose their way from pulling a sock on one foot to pulling on another sock on the other foot.
The Quotas' clue tells them to walk along the shoreline to find another clue box. I'm sure this must be a test on the Teams' ability to, um, walk along the shore and spot something sticking out of the sand, I guess. There, the Team will have to put on diving gear and dive in to look for four artifical butt ugly clams. Each clam contains a clue for the Teams to retrieve. The Quotas locate this clue stand and get ready to dive. The GLPPs show up and Moppet says to the camera that this is the first time the GLPPs encounter the Quotas since Chip's Big Lie. Yeah, and that is like, what, ten minutes ago? How dramatic. Moppet adds that if Chip wants to lie on this Race, fine, but Moppet is not doing it that way because it is not his style. I'm sure abandoning alliances doesn't fall under Moppet's category of deceptive and devious Race practices. Moppet adds that he will never trust Chip again. I guess that means he is now willing to get wet and do his own work?
Oh, and Kim tells Chip that she can't swim. Chip says that they have a swimming pool at home but yes, Kim really doesn't swim. I guess Kim time is now time-out. As usual. Joan locates a clam but she just bobs there at the surface and screams for the Moppet to come over and go down and get the clam for her. I guess she doesn't want to get her hair wet. God doesn't like people with wet hair. That's why he parted the Red Sea for Moses and his people. Heaven is short of hair conditioners. Joan is also screaming for help. I don't know. Maybe she is getting wet under her neck and she thinks that the sensation is sinful. Chip goes to see what she is up to and Moppet tells him to get lost because, as he tells the camera, he is sure that Chip just wants to steal the clue from the GLPPs. Well, the clue is only the GLPPs' if Joan will go down and get it so I don't know what Moppet is talking about. Moppet is angry when Chip doesn't want to share with him and now he is angry so he doesn't want to share with Chip. Chip protests that he is just concerned about Joan. Too bad he doesn't actually steal the clue because that will be awesome really.
Chip gets his own clam so there is no love lost between the two Teams. Both Teams go on shore to read their respective clue and discover that it's time for a Roadblock. Team member, Philo explains, will have to use an ascender and do squat-like motions (people who play extreme games will be able to explain this better than me) up a 150-ft cliff called the Lagen Wall on the island. Up there, the Team member will then have to rappel down to the ground. Goodbye, Bates Sisters. I'll miss them. Bonghammer sucks. Back to the idiots, the GLPPs read their clue (which tells them not to select someone with vertigo to do the Roadblock) and they don't know what vertigo is. Well, vertigo is me trying to look down from Moppet's hair. But Joan of course insists that Moppet is going to do the Roadblock. Heaven forbids her to be of any use on this Race at all, right? The Quotas also decide that Chip will be doing the Roadblock. Joan whines that she will never be able to beat Chip in anything. What has that got to do with her not being of any use on this Race? Maybe she and Kim can do my alternate version of this Roadblock, the one where they jump off the cliff straight down into the sea.
The C+Cs are scanning the islands and Colin thinks he spots a clue stand next to a flag so they head off to that direction. Well, it's the wrong island so yes, the Race people aren't that stupid as to pop the clue stand only by the correct flag. Yet. The Bates Sisters actually see the C+Cs leaving and they still stop to check the island. Seriously! But to make up for that silly maneuvre, the Bates Sisters decide to head off to the other island that the C+Cs aren't heading towards, gambling on the chance that there is a fifty percent chance that they will reach the right island. Colin explains the Bates Sisters' strategy to the members of the audience who haven't grasped what the Bates Sisters are doing yet. It's a gamble that works for the Bates Sisters because they locate the correct island while the C+Cs fail to do so.
Colin, surprisingly calm-headed, reassures Christie that it is their fault that they couldn't locate the correct island because they should have some guide book to tell them what the flag looks like. Apparently they have guidebooks for every leg except for this one. He also calls himself an ignorant American because he doesn't know what the flag looks like. I wonder what he calls himself when he was demanding for the President of Tanzania to visit him at a police station in that country. Wait, it turns out that he is angry with himself only when he fails at doing something he could have "controlled". That means he probably excuse himself for being an ass because it's something that is out of control. Or as his post-show interviews demonstrate, it's all because of the damned editing. He's a nice guy. He's just edited to be a bad guy! Really! All those temper tantrums and asshole behavior! Well, the audience must have imagined everything! Buy a cellphone from Corpus Christi today!
In the Quota boat to the Cliff of Anguish, Kim hopes that they won't have to do anything too "physical". Why does she care? It's not as if she's going to be doing anything, is she? The GLPPs are close behind. Way back, the Bates Sisters retrieve their clam and they don't know what "vertigo" means either but as per their style, Kathy will do it because Linda did the previous Roadblock. As the C+Cs dive for their clam, the Bates Sisters take off in their boat and Linda Bates hopes that they can maintain their lead over the C+Cs.
Moppet and Chip, after the usual "Oh my God!" reactions at seeing the cliff for the first time, try to climb that thing under the supervision of people who actually know what they are doing. Joan is really obnoxious here as she sneers at Chip for being slow - as if she can do better, really - while cheering Moppet in a manner for which the phrase "Shut up, please, I'm trying to concentrate" is created for. When Chip struggles, Joan says, "That's what you get, Chip!" and really, shut up, please. She then has the cheek to tell the camera with a grin that she feels "bad" because she doesn't have do anything but she won't feel "so bad" when she has the check in her hand. I guess we can cross off "avarice" and "vanity" off Joan's list of seven deadly sins and replace them with "trying to stop pretty Joanie from getting money" and "making pretty Joanie do nasty things like actual work and sweating, eeeeuw". When Moppet reaches the top first, Joan cooes, "He's so good! I mean, come on, there's just no competition!"
I want to cry for my own gender. This is embarrassing to watch, not to mention obnoxious beyond belief.
The C+Cs locate their clue in the clam. Christie wants to do the Roadblock. Oh yeah, sorry, I can't pull that one off. Yes, I lied. Colin is doing the Roadblock. Ahead, the Bates Sisters approach the cliff and see Chip dangling from above. Oh my God is right. Moppet retrieves the clue at the top but he has to rappel down to the ground first before he can read it. He passes Chip on his way down and they exchange pleasant greetings. I guess those two men have made up somehow along the way, kinda like a petulant spoiled brat suddenly deciding that the guy he hates isn't so bad after all now that the brat has beaten the guy in something. Kim, meanwhile, has appointed herself the lookout for Chip. Chip appreciates her contribution, I'm sure. She notices the Bates Sisters and starts chanting, "No Colin and Christie! No Colin and Christie!"
The GLPPs realize that they can now proceed straight to the Pit Stop, which is the Lagen Island Resort, via a kayak that both Team members can paddle in. They take off.
Kathy is having problems getting a hang of the climb. Chip has been wheezing to Jesus all this time and finally tells himself that he has to finish the climb for a million dollars. Lo, he gets a boost of energy to move up a little. God 0, Donald Trump 1. The C+Cs notice the cliff and Colin hopes that the Bates Sisters will be so slow that he can beat them. Yes, how nice of him to point out the obvious. This show sucks. As Chip finally inches his way to the top, Linda Bates is asking Kathy to take three steps up at a time. Linda tells the camera that she doesn't think that she can do this Roadblock so Kathy will be a "superwoman" if she can. Kim calls out that the C+Cs are here. Oh no. Colin, watching through his binoculars, grinned evilly. Seriously, I would like to say that this scene is suspenseful but come on! Look at Colin, then look at Kathy and then tell me if this stupid Roadblock isn't designed just to get rid of any all-female Team that has the temerity to hang around at this late stage of Race. Kathy is really slowly moving up the cliff and watching her, I'm in awe because I know I won't be able to do the same if I'm in her shoes. I can even do a single pull-up and you know what, they want people like you and me to join the Race! (Although it seems that unless we're a pair of models, we won't have much chance of joining the Race anymore.)
The GLPPs are team number one. Okay, that means I won't be seeing them anymore for the next few minutes so that's a good thing in a way.
Kathy can't go on anymore. Colin, watching her, is overjoyed because that means he can beat her. Christie is in tears as she watches him climb, saying that he can do it and all, and if that is how she behaves when she is counting the money in her hands, I don't want to know how she is when she actually has the money. She's creepy. As Colin climbs up the cliff like a very short Spiderman wannabe with constipation problems - but he's fast so don't laugh at him too much - Linda whimpers at the sight. Christie sees the Quotas paddle away to the Pit Stop and snootily says, "Chip obviously had a difficult time and is just now leaving. I sure would have loved the Moms to pass them!" She adds, "There's a little something called karma, and what goes around comes around - and he will get it!" Oh, Christie. It's a pity that she doesn't jump off the roof of a building when Chip finally gets the million dollars, isn't it?
Colin overtakes Kathy and Kathy really cannot go on. Tearfully, she tells Linda that she is so, so sorry. Linda tells Kathy that her children will be so proud of her. Watching poor Kathy, I really feel like crying in frustration because damn it, this doesn't feel right at all. Meanwhile, the Quotas are team number two, the C+Cs get the clue and leave (after a humorous tip-over of their kayak), and I finally have tears falling down my cheeks as Kathy, despite knowing that it's over for them and she can quit now, slowly works her way up even as her arms and legs are killing her. Linda tries to keep her cheery mask intact as she says, about Kathy, that there is nothing they can both do as they have given their "110%" into the Race. And indeed, they have. Kathy is awesome. As Kathy approaches the top, Linda grabs their things and tells the camera that you know what, they are going to go out fighting. Finally, Kathy reaches the top and rappels back down, exhausted to the bone, and Linda embraces her and congratulates her for a job well done before asking her in concern whether Kathy is okay.
The C+Cs are team number three. Whatever.
Linda is telling Kathy to just rest and let Linda do all the paddling to the Pit Stop. Kathy tells the camera that she has been a full-time mother for twenty years and now that the children are ready to leave the nest, she knows now, thanks to her experience on the Race, that she has so much that she can and want to do in the new "chapter" of her life. She still insists on paddling with Linda, which, if you ask me, reflects what a trooper she is. They even have time to indulge in a little playful water splash as they paddle to the Pit Stop. Linda Bates says to the camera that Kathy is an "awesome friend" who puts up with her (and her shrieking, if I may add) just like Linda's husband would. They reach the Pit Stop, all ready to be eliminated, and they both give the usual we-love-the-adventure talk. Linda insists one more time that Kathy hasn't disappointed her. "Don't you dare," she tells Kathy. And in what will always be one of my favorite scenes in all the seasons of this show, the Bates Sisters, wet and exhausted, stand at the mat as Kathy says quietly to no one and everyone in particular, "We did it!"
I'm torn to see them leave, especially because the Bates Sisters is one Team who has suffered from nothing but setbacks after setbacks but they always move on like the troopers they are, never giving up. Their exit is heartbreaking, true, but it is also inspiring to see two ordinary women come onto this show and give their all to come this far, only to lose because of a stupid and unfair Roadblock. They don't have to tell me how the Race is an incredible experience because they are incredible in their own on the show, especially when compared to the likes of Joan, Christie, and Kim. In a show increasingly saturated with pageant queens, models, and aspiring actors in shallow "dating" relationships, the Bates Sisters are a welcome reminder of the days of the early seasons of this show when everyday Joes and Janes come on to the show and live the adventure, excitement, and discovery of The Amazing Race. Goodbye, ladies. It has been truly a pleasure.
On with the usual grandiose boasts of the remaining three Teams. Christie is still surprised, it seems, that the other two Teams want to win as badly as the C+Cs but insists that the C+Cs are stronger than the other Teams. Thanks to her, of course. Kim says that Chip and she will do what it takes to win (shouldn't it be "Chip" instead of "Chip and Kim") and they are behind each other always (like how she is always behind him because he is ahead tackling the Roadblocks and Detours and what-not). Moppet talks about God. Maybe if he partners with God on this Race instead of Joan, I'd like him better. Chip says that "it's on" like "Donkey Kong time". What happened to Kim time?
And now, we're on to the Final Three. Who do I want to win? I'm cheering for the Quotas because at least they aren't as obnoxious as the other two Teams.
Previously, the Bates Sisters finally meet a problem they can't overcome in the Race. The Lagen Wall claims the latest victims of the Curse of the Fourth Place. So here is Philo "Pack Me Up, Baby, The Show's Almost Over" Koughie on Lagen Island, reminding people that only a few minutes ago the show has sent the last Team that actually function as a Team off the show here, at this final Pit Stop. He says that the "unforgiving" sun is beating down on Lagen Island. The final three Teams have rested for twelve hours and now they are ready to leave.
3:16 am. The GLPPs are ready to leave. Well, one more hour and we can then show God the door. God is cool, yes, but he and reality TV shows don't mix, no offense to the Big Guy, of course. Because this is the last leg, the show decides to test the Teams' concentration and reading skills more than usual. Philo explains that Teams must first take a chartered flight to Manila, fly from there to Calgary, Canada some 8,000 miles away, travel 80 miles to the Lookout Mountain, and then hike to the peak of the Continental Divide some 1,000 feet away. I wonder whether they have listed the Teams' dinner menu in there somewhere. Moppet talks about wanting to win but trusting the will in God but, as he and Joan get into the boat that will take them to their chartered flight in El Nido and hence become the first Team to be on the flight, says that the leg looks good for them.
3:40 am. The Quotas leave. Kim insists that the secret to the Quotas' success is their "focus". As in her focusing on Chip when it comes to doing everything, I suspect. She is, after all, Nerfertiti, remember? Or is that Neverdosquat, Nefertiti's ugly sister? Hmm, anyway, Chip says that the Quotas are winners no matter what place they finish at - they always say this, right before they go home and cry their eyes out in bitterness - but he'd rather be a winner with a million dollars in his pocket. I hope his pocket is big enough for that amount of money. I don't think Kim will be of any help in carrying some of the money.
3:46 am. The C+Cs leave. Hmm, it looks like the whole ascending up the Lagen Wall task doesn't take too long for these people to finish. Colin says that the C+Cs are the strongest Team of the three. Thanks to Christie, of course. Christie says that she wants them to win because she doesn't want the Quotas to win. Um, okay, that's generous of her, offering to win a million dollars so that the bad guys don't get the money. Is she always this imbecilic? I guess losing the crown of Miss Texas to the sanctimonious bitch Joan has affected her so badly that she has never been the same since.
Ahead, in their boat, Chip tells the camera that being Yielded causes the C+Cs to spiral down in a "tailspin" into making many mistakes. That's true. It is quite telling that once someone shatters the C+Cs' cocky confidence that they have everything in their pockets, the C+Cs collapse utterly and cannot recover. Or at least, Christie cannot recover at all. Colin seems to be able to put matters behind him (at least until the end of this leg) but Christie is still complaining about the Yield and the Quotas' supposed "betrayal". How quaint that at the end of the day, she, Colin, Lillie, and Brobbie are all the same - drama queens to the core.
The Quotas reach the airfield in El Nido, followed closely by the C+Cs, and they realize that all three Teams (including the GLPPs) will be on the same flight that will leave at 6:30 am. The Teams may have to wake up early at three something in the morning but the pilot will sleep until six, thank you very much. Christie tells the world that at long last, the C+Cs are no longer lagging behind. I'm so happy for her. Maybe she can shut up now about Treachery and Betrayal?
6:30 am. They're off! Colin tells the camera that all three Teams are leaving on the same plane in case there are people out there who suspect that the scene of the three Teams in the same plane is a product of misleading editing.
Across the sea, across land, across 8,000 miles and... hello, Canada! Look, there are crazy-looking snowboarders running wild all over the place. I hear people hunt these strange creatures down for game during winter in Calgary. There has to be some reason why people want to visit Canada when there is Disneyworld in USA. Indeed, order is restored in Calgary when Teams scramble out of the airport into cabs with the C+Cs leading and the Quotas trailing. Kim says dryly that being in last place is pretty much the Quotas' "history" on the Race.
There are gondolas waiting for the Teams at Lookout Mountain. The C+Cs arrive first at the location and upon seeing the gondolas, Colin launches into a eye-rolling declaration before the camera about how much he is into "extreme sports" and how he and Christie are "not scared of anything". Really? Let me test that theory by shoving a jug of caviar down Christie's throat. Oh, and for someone who has rolled down a shallow slope in a plastic ball and now hopping into a gondola, Colin has been proving how much of a reckless man he is. I mean, seriously, the gondola looks dangerous, don't you think? It may just come crashing down and Colin can die. My heart nearly stops beating when the gondola moves. How can anyone stand such a scary ride? Colin is the man indeed! The GLPPs are the next to arrive and they hop into their gondola. Both Teams, in their respective gondolas, start suiting up in thick clothes in anticipation of the cold waiting for them at the top of the mountain.
The Quotas finally arrive at Lookout Mountain and start changing into their warm clothes the moment they step out of their cab. Kim tells the camera about how the Quotas aren't mentally or physically prepared for a trip to a cold place. She makes it seem as if they have just landed in Antarctica and not some tourist spot in Calgary. Then again, has she ever been prepared in any way to do anything on this Race? Be quiet, Kim, and dream of Nefertiti.
The C+Cs have reached the top of the Lookout Mountain and have a 1,000 mile trek up the Continental Divide to look forward to. Christie tells herself to concentrate. Colin tries to be funny by pointing out the obvious - that they have a long hike to make. He must be the kind of guy who looks out the window, says that it's raining in his most deadpan voice, and expects everyone to keel over in laughter. He tells Christie most helpfully that the air will become thinner the higher they ascend. Christie predictably starts whining that she may not be able to hike that far. Now, why do I find it so easy to believe her? Colin tells her to keep breathing and all will be fine. Noticing that the GLPPs are close behind them, he decides that the C+Cs must make a move now.
From the gondola, Kim is telling Chip that she doesn't think that she can hike what seems to her like a very verticalish mountain. Chip assures her that she can do it as long as she doesn't say what she can't do. Ah, now I know what she has been so quiet throughout the Race!
Joan is also having a hard time. I am having fun watching these useless women suffer but at the same time I am rolling up my eyes because yucks, they ditched the don't-say-die Bates Sisters but keep these whiny, useless women instead. How disgusting is that? Moppet tries to get Joan motivated by telling her, "Picture Jesus up there, like, he's got his arms wide open and you're running to him!" That is a good line to be used in an episode of South Park, especially when it is somehow placed in the same context as Stan's naked mother. Besides, if someone sees a vision of Jesus, shouldn't that mean that the person is dying or something? I'm sure Joan is comforted by that notion. The GLPPs stop for Joan to catch her breath. Christie, ahead, decides that the C+Cs should stop too. That way, the C+Cs will still be ahead. Isn't this woman clever? Colin grits his teeth and dreams of a naked Brobbie waiting for him up there with her arms wide open. He tells her that they have to keep going for one million dollars. She slows down and then stops. "Oh my God!" he screams. He shrieks like a little girl now that the GLPPs are catching up. Oh no, first the ox and now his girlfriend is broken. Poor Colin. Will his troubles never end? Oh, and wrapped in what seems like creepy religious zeal, the GLPPs are indeed slowly catching up with the C+Cs. Way behind, the Quotas are hiking. Kim, bless her, seems to be doing fine.
Back to Colin, he is scolding Christie for stopping because, as he tells her, it is not as if she's actually dying. He even offers to let Christie grab to his pole while he drags her up the slope like a bag of meat. No, I'm serious! And she agrees so... well, you have to watch and see how funny that scene is for yourself. It's the perfect representation of the Final Three as a whole: a man dragging a feeble baggage all the way to the top. Moppet is doing what he does best, praying, as he tries to keep Joan going. Why pray when he can find a new girlfriend? Ahead, the C+Cs finally reach the top and locate the clue stand. The Teams must now go back down and then travel 80 miles to the Canada Olympic Park and locate the base of the Olympic couldron. As the C+Cs go back down, the GLPPs reach the top and locate their Clue.
When they pass the Quotas, Colin decide to do a somersault while making lots of pathetic showboat sounds. Kim tells the camera correctly that Colin is trying to rub the Quotas' noses in... er, I don't know what the overcompensating midget is trying to rub the Quotas' noses in but I take back what I said about Colin apparently putting Yieldgate behind him. I should have known better than to expect common sense and good sportsmanship from an idiot who thinks that he is now an "extreme gamer" because he dragged his girlfriend up and down a few thousand miles and still has time to do somersaults and howler monkey noises.
As the C+Cs and then the GLPPs reach the bottom of the mountain, the Quotas are still struggling upwards. Chip is struggling to keep going so Kim, surprise, has to stop and wait for her husband to keep up with her. "I've got to wait for my husband. We've got some catching up to do!" she tells the camera. So this is her Big Plan! She is saving her energy to walk ahead of her husband up a snowy slope! No? Okay. She adds that she's doing her best to lead Chip to the top (we don't want Chip to turn left or right now, after all) and she will do what it takes to win the money. Except, of course, doing a Roadblock.
The C+Cs and the GLPPs get cabs to get to the Olympic Park. Much happy hand-slappings and celebratory self-praisings ensue. I suppose getting a cab in Calgary is some huge feat worth celebrating. Oh dear, are things that bad over there? As the cabs take off, the Quotas agonizingly slowly but surely reach the top of the mountain and retrieve their Clue. As they hike back down to earth, Kim says that this hike is tough on people over the age of forty. Kim is really talking her mouth off in the finale. She must be trying to make up for the last eleven episodes. "Hey, remember me? I'm Kim! Kim! No, not Kate, Kim! Kim, damn it, Kim! Um... hello? Anybody?"
Guess which Team is the first to reach the Olympics Park. It is dark when Colin and Christie retrieves their Clue from the clue stand and realize that it's now time for a Detour. Philo steps out to explain that because the theme of the day is apparently the Winter Olympics, the Teams would have to choose one of the two Winter Olympics-related tasks. "Slide" is where the Teams get on a luge and, er, slide down the Olympic course. Phil tries to convince people that this one is the scary task. "Ride" is where the Teams use mountain bikes to go down a ski slope. Yeah, I don't know either that they use mountain bikes on ski slopes. Must be an uniquely Canadian thing. Phil says that mountain biking down a ski slope is the less scary one. He obviously hasn't tried controlling an out-of-control bicycle that is traveling full speed ahead down a steep mountain curve before.
Colin thinks that it will be difficult to cycle down the ski slope so he and Christie will go for the slide. On the other hand, the GLPPs once again act passive-aggressive around each other. Joan wants to tackle the luge. Moppet notices that the bikes are nearer to where they are than the luge site so he believes that biking is the better option. (If it's nearer to you, it must be the better one - just ask the unfortunate Teams that manhandled the dogs in Buenos Aires.) Joan says that Moppet should make the decision. Moppet says that he wants Joan to be happy. And back and forth they go until I grit my teeth and tell them to just do something, anything, just do it, damn it. Moppet announces that the GLPPs will tackle the bikes. Why he can't just say so earlier, I don't know.
The Quotas unfortunately have to wait awhile before a cab shows up at the gondola station to take them to the Olympics Park. As they finally approach the Park, Chip is resigned to defeat and is inconsolable. Kim tells him not to give up. After all, someone needs to do the tough stuff and it sure as heck isn't going to be her.
The GLPPs are right now testing their mountain bikes. Joan is complaining that her bike is too high for her. Her feet is barely touching the ground. The better for her to fall, roll down the cliff, and hit the bottom hard, definitely. She whines that bikes scare her. Color me surprised. I wonder whether she'll keep whining all the way to the end. She seems to quite determined to do so.
The C+Cs slide down. Woo-hoo! Lots of showboating sounds from Colin, which should be expected as he is determined to prove to the world that he is a real man. Their Detour has a time limit of 34 seconds but they beat that time easily. The GLPPs take off at the same time as the C+Cs and they have three minutes to complete the biking task. Joan is having trouble with her bike. She seems to be trying to do the ballet and force the bike to be her dance partner. Moppet stumbles a little and curses, "Golly Moses!" He's a model, he poses half-naked on fashion spreads, and he can't even curse properly. It must be confusing to live in this man's world. They finally finish the task in four minutes and thirty seconds, give or take a few seconds, and they have to start all over again, heh. Joan asks for and gets a smaller bike and promptly decides to have a full-blown meltdown, tears and all. Who can blame her? All those Roadblocks she has to perform must have taken its toll on the valiant woman. What happened to thinking about the check in her hand? Oh, Joan. God has abandoned her. Abandon all hope, Joan! God doesn't like sucky crybabies. Who will love Joan now? By the way, she looks ugly when she is crying. Her eyes seem to swell up to double their usual size and she makes sounds reminiscent of a hippo having a difficult childbirth. Moppet tries to make her feel better by telling her that they will slide now. She just remains on the ground like some pathetic ragdoll and wail some more.
Meanwhile, the C+Cs have received their Clue and are on their way to the airport. Teams must now travel 3,000 miles (by plane, of course) to Dallas and seek out Fort Worth for their next clue.
Moppet ends up having to carry Joan on his back, which, by the way, is what Joan wanted him to do in the first place after she has tossed the bike aside and sat on the ground bawling like a pathetic baby. She is still crying as Moppet carries her down the slope and to the luge rink. How appropriate that Joan isn't even trying at this stage to hide the fact that she's nothing but Moppet's burden.
As the C+Cs approach the airport, the fog is looming closer. Colin says that they need to get the best flight out of Calgary to Dallas and then they have the game all set for themselves. The fog looms ominously. The C+Cs enter the airport and realize that Calgarians don't stay up late to work. Everything is closed.
Joan wonders whether the luge is dangerous. What, as if she has a third option to consider if she wants to have another breakdown? Moppet and she lie on each other on the luge - a horrifying allusion that these two may just one day breed and breed - and then they are off. They are done soon enough and Moppet says that this Detour is easier than he expected. Joan complains that they shouldn't have done the bikes. Well, she let him make the decision.
Calling up American Airlines at the airport, the C+Cs got themselves seats on an American Airlines flight, American 848, that will take them directly to Dallas in the morning. Everything seems set for this Team.
The Quotas choose to slide and well, things don't work out that well the first time. "Houston, we have a problem," Chip says.
In their cab to the airport, Joan is still complaining that they should have done the slide. Moppet loses his patience and sneers, saying that oh, so now he is the bad guy who has lost them a million dollars. She insists that she doesn't say that but she is not fooling anyone. Moppet tells the camera that he isn't so sure of his feelings towards Joan anymore. Or rather, he says that he loves Nicole but he is also "not sure". Is that anything similar to someone saying, "I had an affair with that woman but wait, I am not sure"? Joan shouldn't be too upset though. God still loves her, surely.
The Quotas start again on the luge and once more has to send an SOS to Houston. Do something, Kim!
Killing time at the airport, Colin launches into a speech about how the C+Cs have always been first in every leg (ahem, I don't think so, buddy, try again) but ultimately being first to cross the finish line is all that matters on the Race. He comes off like a smirky Rumplestiltskin playing with the airport trolley while displaying his selective memory skills. The GLPPs soon show up at the airport where they too get themselves on American 848. This prompts Colin to call up the airport at Dallas and arrange for a cab to wait for them with the trunk wide open so that the C+Cs will have every advantage over the GLPPs in the dash out of the airport. Colin explains his plans to the camera with relish. He can taste the money already.
Back at the Olympics Stadium, Chip seems to have turned into a vegetable so it is Kim who decides to take stock of the situation and do something. Yes, I'm quite shocked that I just put "Kim" and "do something" in the same sentence. She asks the supervisor to demonstrate one more time how to steer the luge, get Chip to listen along with her, and then they try again. This time, they make it to the finish line with barely a second to spare. They're off!
The GLPPs head off to a nearby hotel to sleep off the events of the day. The C+Cs also head to the hotel where Colin gets on the phone to arrange for a fast driver to meet the C+Cs at the airport. Won't it be funny if Season Four's Big Chippo - the one who goes berserk behind the wheel - meets them at the airport? Preferably in those tight black briefs to show off his impressive package. Drool. Um, where was I? Back at the airport, the Quotas finally show up. Once more Chip talks about how the Quotas have blown their chance at winning. On to the hotel, the C+Cs and the Moppets decide to kill time by taking everything they don't need and pack these things up in boxes to be checked in so that they would have as little luggage to carry as possible once they are in Dallas. Is that a voodoo doll made to the image of Brobbie that I see among Christie's stuff? I'm sure that photo of Brobbie (with Lillie's face scratched out and a smiley face drawn over it) among Colin's possessions isn't something that he came to possess through legal means.
Kim makes a call to American Airlines at the airport and learns of American 848. But oh my, the flight has been delayed for three hours because of the fog in Calgary that prevented the plane from landing at the airport! Knowing that the two Teams must be on this flight and realizing there is a good chance that those Teams are not aware of this delay, she gives a small but rather evil smile and tells Chip the news. Chip becomes really, really excited and his face glows brightly as he gets on the phone and gets them a flight on United Airlines that will take them to Dallas at 1:06 pm. This is good news because the American 848 flight will only arrive in Dallas at 3:00 pm. The Quotas go to the hotel to meet up with the other two Teams where Chip smirks and looks so satisfied with himself that anyone alert enough will only need to look at him and know that something must be up. Alas, Moppet is confident that everyone is bunched at the same flight. On the other hand, Chip says that he is not sharing information any more. Well, he doesn't have to if he can project them just as easily through his face. How fortunate for him that the other two Teams are self-absorbed twits.
Early morning, 4:15 am. The Quotas quietly sneak out of the hotel. They contemplate not standing in front of the United counter just to throw the other Teams off-track but remember that they still have to check in so they probably shouldn't bother. Their flight leaves at 6:55 am so they just want to be at the counter when it opens and hope that everything works out. If it does, Chip says that he will be "licking chops and praising God". I think God will need a vacation after this season.
The GLPPs arrive at their airport with their boxes of junk ready for checking in just as the counters begin to open at the airport. They even exchange happy greetings with the Quotas as they walk to the American counter. Their happiness evaporate when they learn that their flight is delayed because the fog prevented it from landing last night. The Quotas, in the meantime, check in at United. Moppet remembers that there is a 1:06 pm United flight - which the Quotas are checking in right about now - and asks about that flight at the United counter. Whoops, the flight is full. Worse, it is oversold so there is a slim chance of seats opening up at the last minute. Joan goes to peek at the Quotas' side of the world and reports unhappily to the Moppet that the Quotas have seats on that flight.
Here come the C+Cs! They aren't so smug anymore when they notice the GLPPs hovering at the United counter. They are soon standing behind the GLPPs as the GLPPs try hopefully to be put on standby on the United flight. The Quotas get ready to walk in through the departure gate. Colin says that he knew he should have called United, he just knew it. This will probably haunt him for a long, long time. Chip tells the camera that Colin probably won't make this mistake earlier in the Race (must be the overconfidence on Colin's part, I'd guess) but hey, this is a lucky break for the Quotas! And then the Quotas are boarding the plane, leaving the other two Teams behind to whine that all are lost.
There may be a chance for them to catch up after all, as they can be placed on standy for a flight from Calgary to Denver on the same United flight as the Quotas' and then get another flight from Denver to Dallas on American. The arrangement will see them landing at Dallas about twenty minutes behind the Quotas. Still, Christie goes boo-hoo-hoo because, as she says, she has just lost a million dollars. Don't jinx it, bitch, I have a bottle of champagne just waiting for that occasion!
Oh drats, suddenly it seems that there are enough seats available on the United flight for the two Teams, but it will take them only to Denver. From there, the Teams are on their own. If I'm a paranoid person, I'd say that there is something really fishy about how there are suddenly so many tickets available at the last minute on a supposedly overbooked flight. Still, that will be still be good for the two Teams if they don't get smart and check their bags and boxes through to Dallas. Which is exactly what they all did.
Hey, Chip - boo! Chip is not happy when he sees the other two Teams boarding the United flight. Still, he can rest easy. Joan explains one more time to the really slow among the audience the flight arrangement. All three Teams are on the same flight to Denver. After that, the Quotas are the only Team to be able to continue to Dallas. The other two Teams will have to compete at Denver to be put on the standby list on the United flight from Denver to Dallas. This makes the whole checking their luggage through to Dallas a big misstep on their part because since 9/11, I'm sure airport security is such that they will have a very hard time to get onto one plane while their luggage is on another plane.
Denver. There's a very lucky airport lady named Wendy in Denver who gets accosted by Colin and Moppet. Both men turn on their dubious charms - two parts oil, one part snakeskin - to persuade her to put them on standby first. Wendy is happy to oblige but she notices a problem. As per their initial airport flight arrangement, the luggage of the two Teams are tagged to be on the American flight from Denver to Dallas. Airport regulations insist that you have to travel with your luggage so the two Teams are not eligible to board the United flight, whether or not it has seats available. The two Teams try to insist that the airport people can toss the luggage out of the plane for all they care and Joan even raises her voice and whine a lot but Wendy isn't going to break the rules for them.
The Quotas board the United flight to Dallas. In the meantime, the C+Cs run to make the American flight. Moppet stupidly tries to argue his way into boarding the United flight until Wendy's supervisor tells him that the GLPPs should be running to catch the American flight if the GLPPs have any semblence of functional brains. The two unhappy Teams board the American flight. Colin and Christie try to beat their own chests and insist that the Quotas will make a mistake and the C+Cs will catch up, just you people see, just you wait, yadda yadda yadda. Calm down, Colin and Christie. You know, I have this suspicion that those two actually want me to believe that they will beat the Quotas. How can I get this through clearly to them? I DON'T CARE. Meanwhile, Moppet curses his bags with a "darn" and reads the Bible on the flight. I suspect that he will have a long discussion with his Sunday school teacher about the absence of airport strategy among the pages of that good book.
Hello, Dallas! I've actually been to Dallas for a few days a few years ago and there was this restaurant where I walked into the ladies' room and stumbled upon three dreadlocked men sucking happy powder up their nostrils. What do you know, they were actually the manager and two of his staff! They apologized for being in the wrong toilet and the manager even waived the service charge in the bill for the inconvenience. The food, by the way, was excellent but after seeing what I saw in the toilet, I became quite uneasy about how excellent I found the food, if you know what I mean. Ah, Dallas. Good times, really.
It is 1:06 pm when the Quotas dash out of their plan and into a cab. The driver knows where the stockyards of Fort Worth are. It is 1:16 pm when the remaining two Teams arrive. The airport drama, therefore, is all for a mere ten minutes difference. Christie falls down into a sprawl as she runs along the airport with Colin. I hope she doesn't get banned from the beauty pageant circuit for that inelegant display. The C+Cs have a cab waiting for them. The Moppets, in the meantime, decide to quickly interrogate the line of waiting cab drivers to determine which one will get their business. I love the driver who, when asked as to how fast he drives, answers, "Slow." The C+Cs' driver is named Earl and he and Colin are best friends because they both look like serial killers. Earl's laugh is appropriately maniacal and so is his driving. Colin is confident that the C+Cs will catch up with the Quotas. On the other hand, the GLPPs' driver reprimands his passengers when they ask him to drive faster, reminding them loftily that they are on a highway, not a race track. He has no idea, eh, that cab driver?
The Quotas are at the stockyards at Forth Worth (sorry, I've never been there so I have no anecdotes to share about that place) and they realize that they have to perform a task in order to get their next clue. They have to navigate through a maze to find first a box with their name on it (to obtain their picture from the box) and next another box with their name on it (to obtain a key). This key will unlock the box at the entrance of the maze that contains their next Clue. As the Quotas walk into the maze, the cabs of the other two Teams race towards the stockyards. Joan says that everything is now in the hands of the Lord. I guess this means she's not going to do anything either for the rest of the leg.
The Quotas locate their key. Now they need to locate the box with their picture. And then they find that box too and they dash back to the entrance. Unlocking the box that holds their Clue, they learn that they can head straight to the finish line at the Trammel Crow Park. Altogether now: "TAAAAXXXXXIIIIIII!"
The Quotas' cab and the C+Cs' cab pass each other as the Quotas make their way to the finish line. Kim looks back and spots Colin jumping out of the cab. Oh no! Chip asks the driver how fast he can take them to the Trammel Crow Park. The driver talks ominously about Friday traffic. The Quotas worry to the camera that the C+Cs will breeze through the maze because they are "more logical" than the Quotas. More logical? Like Colin with the ox? I really don't understand the Teams of this Season. Why do they insist that the C+Cs are like some god-like Team that will beat everybody? Where are the backbones of these Teams? Only the Friends of Gulliver seem to have any backbone to stand up to the C+Cs while everyone else is like sheep willing to be cowed by the C+Cs. What is going on here?
The GLPPs are in the maze and despite Colin's plan to keep track of where the C+Cs have passed through in order to minimize unnecessary runarounds the two Teams manage to crash into each other. Cute. The C+Cs quickly locate the two boxes and leave.
The Quotas are caught in the dreaded Friday traffic. Colin on the other hand directs Earl around what seems like short cuts or detours around the traffic. The Quotas sigh, saying that the C+Cs would beat them now because they will be traveling by a faster route. I love Teams with self-confidence. Don't you?
Philo Koughie awaits at the finish line in the middle of the Trammel Crow Park. The red carpet leads up to him. Everything leads up to Philo. Hmm, that's deep. The other Teams who have ran and lost are waiting by the carpet to cheer the Teams that will run along the mat, as usual. And then everyone's ears cock up and their heads turn to see whose vehicle is the first to pull up at the road. Is it...?
It's the Quotas! Chip pays the driver and tells him that the driver has made Chip a millionaire. Although once the tax collectors swoop in, he'll be slightly more than half of a millionaire but hey, at least he has the money so good for him. Kim rather breathlessly asks Chip to hold her hand so that people will believe that she has been an equal partner on the Race. And they run up to Philo. Philo grins. "Six continents, eleven countries, 72,000 miles," Philo says - say, did we actually travel to six continents? - and declares the Quotas the winners of The Amazing Race. Chip asks the Downtown Hiltons to give him a hug and the idiot sisters do. He's a pimp daddy now, I see.
The obligatory "Love My Partner" chatter ensues. "For me to be able to have my soulmate that I... that I love, my best friend, and she's fine, too!" Chip babbles. Kim says that she loves the Race and is sorry that it's over. Easy for her to say, she only did one Roadblock on the Race. Chip babbles some more about telling his kids that they can do anything just because Mommy and Daddy ran on a Race and won some money. Sometimes people place way too much importance on this show.
Oh look, the C+Cs are next. Ha, ha, they are second. That must be killing them. Colin gives a speech about how much he loves Christie and the Quotas and Christie insists that she loves everybody too. And then he proposes to her on the Early Show and they are still waiting for the media attention that will never come while insisting that they aren't famous or loved because those evil editors misrepresented them on the show. Oh shut up, those two. Who needs any more fameho couples when we already have the Robfather and Ambore?
Oh, did I miss somebody? The GLPPs. What took them so long? Did Joan break down again and cling to a wooden pole, refusing to budge even when Moppet calls for a crane to pry her from the pole? Anyway, they are third, they love God, they love everybody, and they will return to their life of becoming half-naked sex objects on print ads in the name of God.
Everyone hugs each other and everyone loves each other. I love how Kim insists that "they" did "it" and this Race is their "destiny". Where do the show find these people? The camera zooms in one last time on the true stars of the show, Lillie and Brobbie, and then the show is over. Those winners and near-winners better try very hard to milk their fifteen seconds because they have only a month before the new season begins. We're done and I'm outta here.
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