THE AMAZING RACE

Season 5 Episode 1: Clearly, I Am More Intelligent Than You

Well, look who's back! It's Philo Koughie, the rugged host who repeats more same lines in every episode every season than the creepy guy of The Price Is Right! He is posing on a boat, pretending to be some dashing captain, as he announces that he's somewhere off a place called Santa Monica. He's traded Marie Antoinette's fur coat of last season for some turtleneck and khaki today, which is good, but the manboobs are missing, which isn't that good as it's not really Philo until there are in the house some good chest pillows. He announces the usual - eleven teams this season dashing around the globe for a million dollars, fastest team wins, and this team will have to endure mental and physical trials before they get their hands on the moolah. He then introduces each of the teams, who are posing in their own boats that are cruising along in a neat single line, probably behind Philo, because Philo is the king after all.

There's Team God Loves Pretty People (Team GLPP for short), the "Dating/Models" team, with he the Moppet Guy looking like he's stuck awash in a Blue Lagoon island, only this lagoon is filled with vodka and he's rotted away, body and brain, as a result. She the Joan of Arc announces that she's Miss Texas USA. Why are all the religious crackheads from Texas? Man, someone from that state better come on TV and behave like a sane person soon or that state will never recover from the PR beating it is taking. Joan looks like a three-dollar model destined to grace liquor and car ads in men's magazine until she hits the hag age of thirty and then it's retirement home for that lady. They love God, as Moppet insists on telling me, and they are also models. That's weird, really - God and modeling don't exist well in the same sphere, unless God in this case is a Bisexual Cokehead Junkie, but I'm sure Moppet is talking about the same God that President Dubby, Big John Ashcroft, and Condolences Rizzie insist is condoning their every action every day. He must be related to them. The GLPPs declare that their shared passion in God and Tiara will come very useful in this race. They are definitely touched by God.

Campy and Curly of the Downtown Hiltons are identical twin sisters. They play soccer, which is a good thing because with their bad hair, creepy smile, and council looks (as the Brits would say), they really should be playing soccer. They say that they have an indescribable non-verbal language, they know everything about each other, and they will manipulate people (which they insist they are good at) in this show. As we shall soon see, they really ought to put that non-verbal thing to use more often.

Kathy Bates isn't fooling me one bit. Calling herself a "Bowling Mom" and teaming up with her fat sister and pretending to be some, er, bowling mom aren't working too well - I can see right through that disguise, Kathy. Kathy isn't too busy right now so she and her sister Linda decide to join this show and win a million dollars for themselves. Linda warns people that the Bates Sisters have full intention to win this Race. They bowl, they cook, and they're coming atcha!

Munch and Lance are brothers. They are in this show because there are a group of fans who for some reason keep insisting that they have to see a Funny Guy team on the show. I've a feeling that the Grouchy Fat Slobs are more like the dud duo in Season Two, Dumb and Dumber, rather than like the Frat Bastards of Season One or the Tubby Sibs of Season Three. They say they may try to kill each other and Lance warns people that he's an abrasive asshole but that's what he is. I guess he's saying that people shouldn't hold him to his behavior as he can't help being what he is. Maybe we should show him some mercy and just lobotomize him.

Then we meet the Friends of Gulliver. Brobdingnag or "Brobbie" is a blonde and jumpy-looking young woman who looks like Illeana Douglas. Her cousin Lilliput is a short person (a midget if you want to be politically incorrect) and Brobbie talks about how people tend to view Lillie as someone "short". Er, Lillie is short, Brobbie. Am I supposed to be looking at Lillie's hair instead? Brobbie warns people never to underestimate Lillie. The clip shows Lillie carrying Brobbie around. Brobbie also insists that Lillie is tough, feitsy, strong - oh, the adjectives grow old. Seriously, I wish people won't use reality TV shows to make statements. As events will prove, Friends of Gulliver aren't strong and feitsy as much as they are... well, like you and me, only they wish they are a little bit more than you and me.

David Duchovny is not fooling me either. He calls himself "Dennis" now and tries to pass off his wife as "Erika". FauxDuchovny calls FauxLeoni high-maintenance and FauxLeoni says that this Race will be their ultimate love test. And they're supposed to be "once engaged". I don't think so. I get this lovey-dovey friends forever vibe from the Ex-Files and I suspect that they conjure this "once engaged" thing just to get on this show. In fact, I suspect that they break up just to get on this show and are in fact still secretly shagging each other like rabbits with full intention of getting back again once the show is over. I don't blame them. FauxDuchovny is really cute.

Bob Hope and Joyce Wilderstein - oops, wrong couple. This Bob and Joyce are two senior folks who met and began dating through the Internet. Where? hornyoldgeezers.com? Still, more power to these boot-knocking old folks. They rollerblade, Joyce says that she's glad to have a second chance at love after losing her husband to cancer, and Team love.com plan to take advantage of other teams underestimating them to knock some punches where it counts. Bob says that they may be geezers, but they are smart and strong and they're gonna win. Ooh.

Team C+C has Colin and Christie, both dark-haired, dating, and totally nondescript. They talk for a while, praying inside that they last longer than the other teams so that people will be forced to finally pay attention to them. Whatever. They are boring.

Chip and Kim, the token African American couple, are married and they work at home, apparently, doing some computer stuff for a living. Kim says that Team Quota see and deal with each other twenty-four hours a day so this Race will be no problem for them as they already know each other well enough to work with them. Chip says that the Quotas respect and love each other. He also calls Kim "doggone beautiful". Ooh, that romantic mutt!

Jim and Marsha form the father and daughter team of Pout and Gout. He's a "military father". I guess on TVLand where it's now compulsory to insert pro-military elements in everything or Big John Ashcroft will come and lock everybody up under some indecipherable clause in the Patriot Act, this makes him better than ordinary non-military fathers everywhere. He talks about sometimes viewing Pout as a little girl while Pout says that Gout always treat her like a little girl.

Finally, the casting coup de grace, Alison and her Donkey. Alison is the runner-up in Big Brother 4 where she lost to Jun only because Jun is a less racist and obnoxious bitch than her and hence the lesser of two evils. In a house filled with unlikeable losers, Alison stands out as one of the most unlikeable of the sorry lot, so I really don't know what they are thinking when they put her on this show. Donkey is cute but I keep confusing him with FauxDuchovny. He doesn't know why they are still together. I guess he doesn't follow the live feeds where Alison fooled around with another man on a bed or describe her sex life with her ex while mocking Donkey. Maybe Donkey just needs to let go, come out of the closet, or get together with FauxDuchovny and me for some nice wholesome fun time.

Philo yammers some nonsense about teams needing brains, brawn, and teamwork to win, and then, it's time for the Race to begin.

The teams are standing on the Pier, waiting to dash to their bags at a distance away from them. But standing between them and their Bags and Money is Philo who explains to them the rules of the Race. Yes, the teams will get a limited amount of money, there are four non-elimination Pit Stops, and there is a Twist that won't be revealed until later. And then he tells them that the world is waiting for them and they can - GO!

The teams rush forth, trampling poor Philo in the process. Kathy Bates trips over him and falls flat on him. They have to shut the coffin for the wake because it's a messy sight you don't want to see. Nah, just kidding. However, in the mad dash FauxDuchovny and Gout stumble and fall painfully. C+C Colin and Alison's Donkey predictably reach the bags first - there's much to be commended about gorgeous young men with strapping physiques after all - and soon there are frantic sounds of envelopes being ripped apart as Teams prepare to read their first clue. C+C Christie reads that the Teams must now find a hand in the sand in Uruguay. Wait, is this a CSI thing?

Meanwhile, Friends of Gulliver are learning the hard way that having short legs mean that they will be straggling far, far behind the other teams. Why Lillie doesn't carry Brobbie on her shoulders, I don't know. After all, Lillie's supposed to be the Strongest Not-Short Woman in the world, right?

Back to C+C, they learn that they have $97.23 for the race. Oh no, has Dubby came by earlier and taxed the show, which I suspect is why the Teams are given $97.23 instead of $100? The cost of phone bugs and electric chairs must have gone up faster than everyone initially assumed. Then they are off, with C+C Colin reassuring C+C Christie that she can do it. Do what? Run to the vehicle? Give me a break. SOme of the vehicles begin pulling out. Curly or Campy leans out of the Downtown Hilton vehicle and "woo-hoo" at the camera. It must be their first time leaving the trailer park. I can't wait to see their reaction when they catch sight of the pretty shiny vehicles on the highway. Woo-hoo, highway!

Finally, Lillie and Brobbie reach their bags and read their clue.

Some of the faster vehicles are now moving into the road. And then, credits. The show has started! The show has started!

The C+C are taking a different route. Colin explains that Christie used to live here and so she knows all the short cuts. The history of this show is littered with casualties of the dreaded Short Cut Detour so I'll see how this one turns out. The Downtown Hiltons ask for directions. Alison and her Donkey follow after the Downtown Hiltons. Alison of course tells the camera that she's not happy to be following the Downtown Hiltons but she... er, doesn't have a choice, I guess. By the way, she's the one driving. Munch and Lance discuss as they drive the flight details given with their clue. Apparently they can take either a flight with American Airlines or United Airlines. The Ex-Files blame C+C Colin for tripping up FauxDuchovny on the earlier dash to the vehicles. C+C Colin insists that FauxDuchovny crashes into him instead. Wow, how do these guys know what the other guy is saying when they are in different vehicles? I'm impressed. FauxDuchovny doesn't want to pursue the matter because it is important that the world views him as a Very Nice Guy. FauxLeoni however points out that C+C Colin crashes onto FauxDuchovny from behind and leaves it unsaid the accusation that Colin is responsible for FauxDuchovny's fall.

Oh my, there are some teams still at the Pier! love.com is apparently taking the time to make sure that their vehicle is probably gassed up and in working order. Oh please. If the other vehicles are still in one piece, this baby should be as good as gold. Pout and Gout can't open the back to put their bags in, until finally Gout discovers the secret: you put the key into the keyhole, twist it, and voila, the trunk door opens. I don't know what the Bates Sisters did earlier to be so slow, but they are still here. Meanwhile, Friends of Gulliver are on their way. Predictably, Brobbie is driving. I wonder how many other things she will have to do in this Race and whether she really knows the extent of her being the physical driving force in this team.

While in the car, Gout mentions that his knee is bleeding. Pout, who is driving, turns to see and exclaims her surprise at the large red splotch on her father's right knee. He says to forget his injury. But at the same time, he reminisces that he has tripped on some protruding nail when he slipped on the earlier dash on the pier and the show helpfully provides a slow-motion flashback to back up his words. Pout says that her father was in the military so he has a never-give-up attitude. Because, after all, the military has exclusive rights to that attitude. Everyone else is yellow.

love.com finally leaves the Pier in last place. The camera also briefly stops on the Quotas and the GLPPs to remind me that they are in this Race. C+C's "short cut" is indeed working well as unlike the others, they don't meet any traffic jams along the way. This leads to them slathering each other with complimentary "muah-muah love ya XXX" nonsense. Stuck in traffic, the Downtown Hiltons are loudly wondering whether to drive in the middle lane. Grouchy Fat Slob Lance says that he can lose the teams following him because these teams have "women drivers". I'm sure you know one of those jerks - I bet you have a brother-in-law who is just like him. This breed of men is like cockroaches. They stink, they eat crap, they leave disgusting things in their wake, but they can't be gotten rid of no matter how hard one tries to ensure that they are not breeding. The Downtown Hilton at the backseat is yelling at the one in the driver seat because the car isn't moving fast enough for her liking. What happened to the non-verbal interaction, ladies? I like that one, bring it back! In their confessional, the Downtown Hiltons admit that they take things out on each other when things aren't working out well for them. And this is just traffic. What happens when they have to operate a VCR? Will the neighbors have to call in the cops then?

Alison is reminding Donkey that the airline seats are given on a first-come, first-serve basis. Wow, I didn't know airlines work like that! I wonder how McDonald's work. Meanwhile, FauxLeoni is telling FauxDuchovny to drive faster so that they won't be left behind. Oh, in hindsight she should have said to him that more often. She tells the camera that they broke the engagement because none of them were ready to get married. I bet they're still shagging like bunnies though.

C+C reaches the airport first. They get onto the shuttle bus and Philo takes this as his cue to come in and explain a few things. There are two flights available to the Teams to take them to Uruguay. The flight that leaves earlier, American Airlines, has seats available for four Teams only. However, United Airlines, the later flight, actually arrives earlier in Uruguay because it has a shorter layover. Heh heh heh. Philo adds that once a Team has purchased tickets to a particular flight, the ticket cannot be exchanged for another. Heh heh heh.

The Grouchy Fat Slobs, the Downtown Hiltons, the Ex-Files, and Alison and Donkey are hot on C+C's heels. Donkey says that "it" is "starting" when Alison starts nagging at him. He goes on to tell the camera that he and she keep breaking up and getting back together, apparently God is playing a weird joke on them because they can't be with anybody else. I think God is beyond caring at this point, because if he can still be with her after her antics on Big Brother 4, God can't do anything anymore short of reworking from scratch. He's hot, that Donkey, but he's also pathetic at the same time. Mentally, I move him down from "Potential One Week Fling Stud" to "Potential One Night Stand Material - Remember To Kick Him Out Before Breakfast".

The Grouchy Fat Slobs get onto a shuttle bus first but convinces the driver to drive off without the other three teams. The others gnash their teeth and cast aspersions after the bus. The Grouchy Fat Slobs gloat because they are so clever, haw haw haw, to leave the other three teams behind, snort snort. Meanwhile, C+C stands first in line at the American Airlines counter and gloat that they are the first. They are so clever, haw haw haw. Meanwhile, the Ex-Files, the Downtown Hiltons, and Alison and Donkey manage to get on the next shuttle bus and decide to work together. They gloat over the fact that they are working together so Watch Out World. Alison says that they have other teams to worry about and Donkey smirks, saying that the "midget" is a real threat, haw haw haw. I've never seen so many collective gloating and self-satisfied backpattings from so many idiots on a single show before.

Speaking of the midget - whoops, I nearly got hit by lightning there - the Friends of Gulliver are lost. Brobbie exclaims that they need divine intervention from God because they are lost. God wonders why this particular season sees so many teams abusing his name in so many ways and there's just in one episode alone. The camera shows the Bates Sisters and love.com to remind me that they are still in the show and not still roaming the highways near Santa Monica today looking for an airport and praying that they will see an airplane in the sky soon so that they can finally catch that flight.

The Grouchy Fat Slobs join the C+Cs at the queue and wonder why they can't find the red-and-yellow banner that tells them that they are in the correct place. They all then leave the counter to look for the "correct" counter! The camera zooms on the banner right in front of their face. Don't laugh because as I shall soon learn, at least five other teams will demonstrate their inability to see things in front of their faces. No wonder they need God so much. They probably beseech for divine intervention when they have to decide what to eat for breakfast.

The Alliance Against The Midget meanwhile decide to split up and check out each of the two airline ticket counters. The Ex-Files head for the American Airlines counter while the other two teams go for United Airlines. The Ex-Files reach the American Airlines counter but instead of waiting for the other two teams, they purchase tickets for themselves first, hope that they've bought the correct tickets, and then hold up the queue for the other two teams to catch up. Meanwhile, the other two teams have the sense to check and compare arrival times of both flights. Alison purchases the tickets for her team and asks to be seated near the door. The Downtown Hiltons purchase their tickets too and then they dash off to find the Ex-Files.

Meanwhile, the C+Cs and the Grouchy Fat Slobs return from wandering around looking for the red and yellow banner and it's a "duh" moment when C+C Colin finally notices the banner. The two teams stand behind the Ex-Files. FauxLeoni tells them that the Ex-Files are waiting for the Downtown Hiltons and Alison and her Donkey because those two teams are in the toilet. The teams love.com, GLPP, and Quota soon join the queue where the Grouchy Fat Slobs tell them that the Ex-Files are deliberately holding up the line. Kim of Quota wonders aloud that those teams in the bathroom are taking a long time. Oh come on, there are some things people can take a long time to do in the toilet, especially when there is only one straw and four people waiting to use it. FauxDuchovny bristles when he lets himself be baited by the Grouchy Fat Slobs and tells the Teams behind the Ex-Files that they are not getting their tickets now. How he make sure that happens that is beyond me.

Pout and Gout are now pulling up at the airport. Gout pulls up his trouser leg to show his knee injury despite having told everyone to forget it. Nice one, Gout. The injury is bad, but his willingness to show it for attention has me suspecting that he will show everyone a particularly big booger at the tip of his index finger if it will make him the focus of attention. The Bates Sisters are also making their way to the airport. Still no signs of Friends of Gulliver though. God must be too busy checking up on Donkey in the toilet.

The Downtown Hiltons, unaware of the rumblings brewing at the American Airlines counter, take their time searching for the Ex-Files. When they finally deliver the news, the Ex-Files realize that they can't exchange their tickets. Meanwhile, teams who overheard the Downtown Hiltons can't dash fast enough to the other counter. Unfortunately for C+C and the Grouchy Fat Slobs - who already demonstrate that they can't see the obvious - they must have an inability to hear what's being spoken before them too because they remain in line for this counter. The Quota, at the back of the line, must have missed out on this information too because they too remain in line. This leaves a very happy love.com and GLPP to book tickets for the United Airlines flight. FauxLeoni laments that her team has been stupid. Maybe not stupid, just not careful enough to check. In this Race, however, that may be a fatal mistake.

The Friends of Gulliver join love.com, the Bates Sisters, Alison and her Donkey, GLPP, Pout and Gout, and the Downtown Hiltons in booking seats for the United Airlines flight. The Bates Sisters are excited when Lillie tells them that they are all on a flight that will arrive earlier in Uruguay.

Meanwhile, Pout and Gout are buying tickets when Gout remembers that two minutes have passed without him reminding me that he has a wounded knee so he pulls up his trouser leg to reveal it to me one more time. He happily tells me that the wound is serious and a paramedic wants to take a look at it. Pout agonizes over this because oh, how can this be? She is so worried. Why is her father doing this to her? The paramedic tells Gout that he needs stitches. Gout can't be happier. People will have to fawn and sigh over him now! Too bad the leg isn't gangrenous or all his drinks would be on the house, damn. Poor Pout and Gout will have to take a side trip to a hospital to get that leg stitched up. Pout asks a friendly shuttle bus guy - most likely ordered by a lawsuit-conscious Jerry Bonghammer to wait for Pout and Gout - to take them to the nearest medical facility. His name is Vincent and he has Pout's gratitude, however much they are worth.

The four teams on the "flight with longer flyover lands last" (seriously, that's what this show calls the flight) board the plane. I think the teams previously unaware that the flight with longer flyover will indeed land last is aware of that now because there are no smiley-faces among the eight of them. Meanwhile, Pout and Gout are stuck in traffic. Gout observes that they have to make it through the jam before they reach the hospital. Ah, the wisdom of military fathers. What would the world be without such sage people? He also notes that they have an hour before their flight departs at 2:40 pm. At 1:55 pm, they make it to the hospital where Vincent the Friendly Driver waits as Gout gets his knee done.

Back at the airport, Brobbie is telling Lillie that this Race is "vicious" because two guys are already "trampled" and now one of them have to go and get stitched up. I strongly suspect that Brobbie isn't above visiting the toilet on the sly with her straw in hand when the cameraman is not looking. Meanwhile, it is 2:10 pm when Gout proudly reveals that he's had twenty five stitches and his tendon is nearly irreparably damaged. They would have to remove his tendon if it was so! If he expects a Purple Heart from me for that, I hope he isn't holding his breath waiting. And then Vincent takes them back to the airport, no doubt with Gout serenading him with war wound stories all the way.

At 2:21 pm, the remaining teams back at the airport board the plane. Oh no, Pout and Gout are still out there! Can they make it? Of course they can. Gout trying to desperately milk what's left of his fifteen seconds of fame, says as he boards the plane that they should have just amputated his leg. Pout chirps that they should have amputated him from the neck down. Between her failed sarcasm and his "look at me, I'm dying, I'm DYING" show-and-tell tendencies, I'm sure they are a hoot to have at parties. First one to pin a voodoo needle into Gout's knee wins the prize.

Philo's voiceover recaps that the teams are going to Uruguay from Los Angeles via Miami, with the Ex-Files, Quota, Grouchy Fat Slobs and C+C arriving later than the other teams. From the Carrasco International Airport in Uruguay Teams would have to travel 75 miles by bus to Punta del Este and seek out the famous hand in the sand landmark by the beach where the clue stand is waiting for them just by the hand. Philo says that the hand is supposed to symbolize the last thing people see of a drowning person and apparently people used to drown in that place quite often. Where are the hunky lifeguards when you need them?

It is 12:35 when the Slow Is Steady And Wins The Race flight lands in Uruguay. While the seven Teams scramble for information on how to find a bus - with Spanish in at least four kinds of accents being thrown around - somehow Friends of Gulliver manage to get onto a bus first. Lillie tells the camera that the Friends of Gulliver are independent women who can do whatever they want to do. Except maybe winning a race. Or speaking Spanish. Oops, why am I always nearly getting struck by lightning? God, pay attention to Donkey or Moppet or Brobbie - they need You more than me, okay? Lillie tries to ask the befuddled-looking locals in English as to whether "you go" to Punta del Este. The Friends of Gulliver are soon joined by the other six Teams. It's then off to the hand in the sand they go.

At 1:00 pm, the Fast But Takes A Long Nap Halfway plane lands. The scramble for the bus ensues. Chip of Quota seems to be on a mad rampage. Oh, slow down, the bus won't leave without the other teams, I'm sure.

Back to the first batch of Racers, Alison is looking out of the bus and comtemplating on how different cultures can make her a better person. After those things she said about Hispanic immigrants to America on her previous show, she should be so lucky. Kathy Bates says that Uruguay is "different" and "beautiful" compared to her "desert" hometown. She lives in the Kalahari? Moppet slurs about being in the frontrunning pack. Whatever.

Moppet takes Joan of Arc's bag and urges her to run when the Teams get down from the bus and sees the giant hand showing them the fingers on the beach. As they read their clue, Philo steps forward to explain that the Teams must now take a ferry to Gorriti Island where the next clue awaits them at the end of the pier. He adds that the island is famous for being a pirate hideaway once upon a time. Ooh, pirates. Too bad they aren't there any longer as I'm sure the GLPP will be happy to covert them all to the Tiara and Anorexia branch of Christianity that they belong to. God, dude, God! The Teams make their useless chirps about having to go fast as they scramble along. They all take a cab each, introducing to the drivers the thousand ways one can mangle Spanish in order to make the drivers go faster.

The Friends of Gulliver have problems getting a cab even when Lillie takes out a whistle - yes, a real whistle - and blows. I guess it's hard to see her when she's waving for a cab - hey, stop throwing lightning bolts at me! - and in the end, a kind Samaritan stops his car to give the Friends of Gulliver a ride. Lillie tells the camera that people see her and they immediately assume that she needs help and in cases like this, she isn't above taking advantage of that. See, that's the problem with her coming on to this show saying that she wants to break stereotypes and all that while saying that she can take advantage of that stereotype when she wants to. You can't be flexible when you want to make a statement. It's hypocritical. I suspect that I will like this team better if they stop trying to pass themselves off as politically correct Saviors of Midgetkind and just be ordinary people trying to get rich off this Race.

On the other hand, speaking of hypocrites, the GLPPs decide to take a walk to the pier. Not off the pier though, alas. Apparently they are told that it's a short walk from the Hand to the Ferry Stand and Moppet wants to save money. Joan of Arc soon catches sight of the cabs carrying the other teams whizzing past them and becomes paranoid about being last. Moppet tells her not to worry. Of course this makes her more worried and she gets irritated that Moppet decides that they would walk to the ferry terminal without consulting her. Maybe she should have thought of this before agreeing to walk to the terminal.

The Bates Sisters are told that they can walk to the ferry terminal too. So that's what they do, the silly twits.

In their cab, Joyce of love.com practices a new Spanish word she comes across in her handbook - gracias. Or to hear her say it, grut-ee-yash. The long-suffering cab driver can only nod while Bob looks on to his date proudly. Donkey is wondering to Alison whether they should be taking a cab because the clue says that they must take a ferry to the island. I suppose that he must have mistakenly assume that they are taking a cab all the way to the island because when Alison tells her that they are indeed taking a ferry, he wonders where the ferry is. She snaps that they are taking a cab to the ferry terminal, duh. She tells the camera that she is the brain while her Donkey is the brawn. She turns to him, who is sitting quietly beside her with a look of resentment on his face, and says that "clearly" she is more intelligent than him. "No offense," she tells him off-handedly after that remark. I hate to agree with her because she's such an irritating creature, but yes, I agree with her. No offense, Donkey, you're a hot piece of tenderloin but you're not coming off as too smart here.

love.com and Alison and her Donkey make it to the ferry first, with the Downtown Hiltons running to catch up. The two teams try to get the ferry to leave before the Downtown Hiltons can get onboard, but alas, there are still some things that Americans can't do in a third-world South American country. This leads one of the Downtown Hiltons to tell the camera that she is "pissed" because people are trying to sabotage the "fast girls". I don't know how fast these girls are, but I do know that they can be really slow in the brain. Meanwhile, love.com share a smooch because they are first to be on the ferry, not caring if their children and grandchildren are right now going "Eeeuw, how embarrassing!" as children and grandchildren are wont to do.

The Friends of Gulliver and Pout and Gout are on the next ferry. GLPP and the Bates Sisters are still walking to the ferry terminal. Joan of Arc is bitching and whining that they are last and he bitches back that he needs her to support (read: agree) with his decisions. In a truly obnoxious confessional, he pats her shoulders as if she's his brain-damaged puppy and says that Joan needs to understand that they must trust the Lord to protect them and have their best interests in His mind. I don't know about anyone else but I suspect that when Moppet mentions God he's referring to himself. Frankly, that guy gives me serial killer vibes. The GLPPs and the Bates Sisters end up in a ferry together.

The Ex-Files read their clue. C+C read their clue. The Grouchy Fat Slobs remind people that they have a pizza parlor back in wherever they come from so everybody buys a pizza from them today! They also read their clue. The Quotas read their clue.

The first ferry pulls in at Gorriti Island and Alison and her Donkey are the first to get their clue from the stand at the end of the pier. Teams must now go to a forest where there are trees with cards stuck to the trunks. There are many such labelled trees but only a few will have departure times on the cards. These departure times are for ferries leaving the island the next day. There is one ferry leaving at 8:00 am, another at 8:30 am, and one more at 9:00 am. There are only a limited number of 8:00 am seats, naturally.

Alison warns her Donkey to look around first before he takes any of the cards from the trees. After some comparisons, they take the 8:00 am card for themselves. Meanwhile, the DOwntown Hiltons settle for an 8:30 am card when they can't seem to find anything other than 8:30 am and 9:00 am cards. love.com, like Alison and her Donkey, spots an 8:00 am card and quickly grabs it. Meanwhile, Pout and Gout and the Friends of Gulliver soon arrive and Gout agrees to cooperate with the Friends of Gulliver and help each other. But Pout doesn't like the idea and nixes it ruthlessly, learning Brobbie to bitch in her confessional that Pout doesn't want to work with them. Brobbie asks Pout whether she has found "anything" and Pout says no even as she grabs the 8:30 am card for her Team. Still, all's good for Friends of Gulliver as they grab an 8:30 am card for themselves too. But that doesn't stop the independent ladies of the Friends of Gulliver to complain in a confessional that no other Team has stopped and helped them. What, there's a new rule now saying that Teams must help each other? Which way is it, ladies? They want to be an empowering social statement or they want to be helped and coddled? They can't have the cake and each it too.

Then the Bates Sisters and GLPP walk in. The Bates Sisters manage to find the last 8:00 am card and grab it. Meanwhile, the GLPP spot only 9:00 am cards and decide to keep looking. They are still looking when the remaining four teams on the other flight catch up with them. C+C Colin gets everyone to realize that there are only 9:00 am cards left. Moppet says that he regrets not listening to Joan and now ends up "hurting" his team. Meanwhile, Chip Quota moans that the Quotas are last. Or, as he calls themselves, "bottom-feeders".

Later that night, it's full moon. Gout of course once more shows off his knee. That guy is so desperate for attention he must be a hypochondriac in real life. Meanwhile, Chip Quota notes that his bedroll is thin and for some reason he finds that very amusing. No doubt somewhere FauxMulder and FauxLeoni are shagging like bunnies. At 7:20 am, the Teams are up and ready to go. The Downtown Hiltons comment that it's a great day. The Grouchy Fat Slobs don't think so, saying that they are glad to be away from this "hell hole". I have a suspicion that this "hell hole" is much better than their homes would be if their wives wise up and stop cleaning up after them.

As per the order on their cards, the Teams leave in ferries back to Punta del Este where they find a clue box waiting for them at the pier at their stop. The clue tells them to go to the Jose Francisco Gonzalez Meat Warehouse in Moldanado. The first three teams - the Bates Sisters, love.com, and Alison and Donkey - read the clue first and take a bus to Moldanado. On the other hand, after the second ferry arrives, for some reason Pout and Gout and the Downtown Hiltons can't spot the clue stand and spend precious time running and down the place for it. The Friends of Gulliver do manage to spot the stand because the ferry stopped right in front of it and in an appropriate kind of payback, they quietly move away as the Downtown Hiltons rush by, exclaiming that the clue must be here somewhere and they must have walked past it. Which is what they are doing again and again, by the way, heh heh.

The Friends of Gulliver get a cab instead of a bus and they spend the trip in righteous indignance, saying that This is what the Evil Other Teams get by Not Helping The Friends Of Gulliver. Seriously, those two? They need to fall off that high horse fast because there's no reason for them to act like wounded parties. This is a Race, not some Help The Midget And Her Cousin affirmative action test. Because they take a cab, they arrive at the Meat Warehouse at the same time as the first three teams. Alison is shocked at the sight of the "midget" and asks the Donkey to hurry into the warehouse. Maybe if they are quick, who knows, maybe the midget can't read and therefore walk into a circus recruitment tent by accident! Still, both teams get their clue at the same time and realize that it's time for a Roadblock.

Philo steps up to announce that a Roadblock is a task where only one member of a Team can perform successfully before they can get the next clue. In this case, the Team member will have to carry a 55-pound piece of beef on foot to a butcher shop. It's roughly a half-mile walk. Why meat? Philo explains that meat is a big industry in Uruguay. As all teams suit up in white coats, Bob of love.com fatalistically predicts that he won't make it all the way to the shop. What happened to the "we're fit and tough" mantra, Bob? The Donkey will take the beef, so will Brobbie and Linda Bates for their respective Teams. Brobbie, by the way, says that she will be crying with the beef. Don't ask me what she is saying, I don't know and I don't want to know.

Donkey doesn't have any problems carrying the beef and there's a dog following him, heh. Joyce of love.com gently tells Bob that he can do it. On the other hand, Lillie tries to hold the meat for Brobbie too - even though I'm sure that is not allowed according to the Rules - but Brobbie tells her to keep her eye out instead and let Brobbie know when they have reached the butcher's shop. Alison and her Donkey are the first to pass what Philo calls the Yield Marker.

The Yield Marker, Philo says, allows a Team to force another Team to wait by this Yield Marker until an hourglass runs out. In short, a Team can delay another Team for a while to increase the distance between them. One Team can use this Yield only once but I notice that Philo never sets a limit as to how many times the Yield can be used on a particular Team. This can be quite annoying because a few Teams can easily gang up on a particular Team week by week and this upsets the whole concept of a Race altogether. Why don't they just provide the Teams with crowbars and have them cripple a Team of their "liking" once per Race? That will be even more bloodthirsty than this silly Yield Marker thing. But I'd reserve further judgment until I see how this Yield is put to use. This week, Alison and her Donkey decide to forgo the use of the Yield, saying the Yield is too "precious" to be used at this early stage of the Race.

Finally, Pout and Gout and the Downtown Hiltons spot the clue stand at the pier. They have wasted half an hour because the second ferry has caught up with them.

Back at the Meat Race, Donkey is tiring. There are two more blocks to go, however, and Alison tells him that they are not stopping no matter what. On a more tender note, there are some locals offering the Bates Sisters and love.com water or coffee as those two Teams slowly walk past them. What friendly folks those people are! Reminds me when I was a kid and I would deliberately offer free iced water to marathon runners passing my house because I knew they couldn't stop and I was spiteful enough to make life a teensy-little-bit harder for them.

"Help me! God help me! Help meeeeeee!" That? Oh, it's just Brobbie. It turns out that she's finally experiencing what it really means to be the only person doing all the carrying, running, jumping, cutting, and digging for the rest of the Race, and a 55-pound beef is packing her in. Lillie offers to take Brobbie's bag for her. Brobbie moans that she doesn't even eat meat. She takes her off her gloves despite Lillie's protests, saying that she doesn't care even if she gets mad cow disease from touching the beef. And then Brobbie throws down the meat and just sits down on the grass. "Help me! God help me!" she wails. How dramatic. Speaking of mad cow disease, maybe they should scan her brain, just in case. Lillie tells her that she's a strong girl so she'd better get moving. In her confessional, Brobbie says that she has used up all her energy manhandling beef. Eeuw, did I say that?

The Donkey gives the meat to the butcher - oh hush, you - and gets the next clue. He and Alison must now head down to a "blue and white hotel" at an address in Punta del Este given on the clue and look for the clue stand across the street from this hotel. The Bates Sisters and love.com receive their clues too shortly after Alison and her Donkey. love.com is actually helping each other. I guess this is one Roadblock that allows the Teams some leeway in helping each other.

By now, the Friends of Gulliver have a nice local guy helping them too. This guy carries the bags for those independent ladies and he also touches a bit of the beef (shut up, people) which I'm sure is grounds for penalty as it's a violation of the Rules. Lillie also asks Brobbie to place the meat on her shoulders so that Brobbie doesn't have to carry all the weight. As is the case of things could be on this show, Lillie ends up carrying most of the beef with the local guy helping Lillie while Brobbie just trails helplessly beside her. Understandably, due to exhaustion, they walk past the butcher's shop and just keep walking and walking.

"Nothing like a big chunk of ass in your face," says one of the Downtown Hiltons as she holds the beef in her hands. Only I'm sure that's not a cow's ass she's holding. More like a cow's ribs. Meanwhile, charming Pout has Gout - wounded knee and all - carrying the beef and then acting like a distressed drama queen when Gout naturally can't go on fast due to his leg working up.

Back to the Friends of Gulliver, Brobbie leans against the guy who is holding their bags and tells Lillie that they are Strong, Independent Women who Don't Need Anyone. Some locals inform them that they have missed the butcher by four blocks. They and their hangers-on forlornly turn around until they finally locate the butcher and drop off the meat. They run into Pout and Gout and the Downtown Hiltons while they are there. A wounded father, a midget, a drama queeen, a passive-aggressive daughter, and two clueless twin sisters - that sounds like a second generation cast for Passions, don't you think?

Alison and Donkey are arguing in their cab. He calls her controlling and she says with a camera-conscious smirk that she likes controlling him. Maybe they can both remote-control each other into walking straight into a wall. Meanwhile, the Friends of Gulliver are blowing their whistle but they can't seem to get a cab. Much moaning and bitching follows. The Downtown Hiltons can't get a cab too and they are hanging around outside the butcher's shop when the remaining teams (remember them?) catch up with them. There are two different teams trying to get cabs, with the Quotas and the Grouchy Fat Slobs trying to get cabs the old-fashioned way while the others try to get someone to call them cabs. Old-fashioned way trounces technology this time as the Quotas and the Grouchy Fat Slobs get cabs first. The Friends of Gulliver also manage to get cabs.

And one by one, the Teams leave until only the Ex-Files and the C+C are left. One cab is left, but FauxDuchovny steps back and lets the C+C step into it. FauxLeoni is annoyed especially as she claims to have seen the cab first, but FauxDuchovny says that he just wants to give a gesture of goodwill to the man who (a) trips him up and (b) takes part in calling him a scumbag. FauxLeoni complains that they are in last place now thanks to her imbecile team partner. Meanwhile, in their cab, C+C isn't too particularly grateful to FauxDuchovny. C+C Christie says that it's every Team for him or herself. FauxDuchovny will be so crushed when he hears that. He's nice. People, did y'all get that? He's nice! Nice! This is why FauxLeoni will keep ripping him a new one all the way back to Punta del Este.

Alison and her Donkey have reached the hotel but as they are charging into the hotel, Alison realizes that something is wrong. They run back outside just as the Bates Sisters pull up and spot the clue stand across the road. The two Teams read the clue and learn that it's now time for a Detour.

Philo explains that a Detour is a task that a Team must choose to perform from two often-badly rhyming options in order to get the next clue. This time around, Teams must choose to perform either "chips" or "zip". "Zip" will require a Team to first pull themselves along a cable suspended 210 feet in the air before gliding down all the way into a swimming pool down, down below. Obviously this option is fast but not for the faint of heart. "Chips" will have the Teams placing bets on a roulette game. They will receive the next clue only if the ball falls on the number they have placed their bet on. The downside to "chips" is that this option can take ages and the Teams have only twenty chips to play. Once these chips have run out, the Teams will have to do "zip" anyway.

Personally, it's a no-brainer for me, I'd do "zip" because I don't like to put my chances on luck. Alison and her Donkey as well as the Bates Sisters agree with me. Linda Bates cackles to the camera that she has Kathy going first because she wants to see how Kathy does it and besides, if anything goes wrong, it will be Kathy going splat like an overripe tomato instead of Linda! On the bright side, the cable manages to hold, Kathy's willpower holds as well, and she gets across like an old pro, good for her. Who needs Fear Factor and those trailer trash tattooed-fake-breasted contestants when we have the Bates Sisters? Alison and her Donkey also get to do "zip" at the same time as there are two zip lines available. Donkey goes first and Alison follows.

The Downtown Hiltons are unable to comprehend the phrase "across the street" and they run around in circles until they spot the yellow and red banner by the door leading up to the casino for the "chips" detour. They run straight up and are offered the chips to play by the unsuspecting lady at the table. The sisters can bet on five numbers at a time and if they guess one number correctly, they get the clue. The Downtown Hiltons begin to play.

Linda gets across the zip line. love.com also gets across like a pro. Seriously, who needs Fear Factor? Regular people can be fearless too, hurrah! Bob of love.com reiterates that he can't think of a better partner to do this than Joyce. That's so sweet, really. Then it's time for the glide down to the pool below where a cute poolboy is waiting with arms wide open. Out of my way, I'm going down! "Dude, this is not short," Donkey murmurs as he looks down. I really hope it isn't. Um, yeah, anyway, he goes down to the pool boy, that hussy. Alison follows, claiming that she loves Donkey and she doesn't want to be the one to hold them back. She sounds as sincere as a crocodile crying for its dead grandmother. Donkey asks her to swim for the clue and she grabs it. They can now head straight to the finishing line, the Pit Stop at Casa Pueblo in Punta Ballena!

The Grouchy Fat Slobs read the clue and decides to cash their "chips". The Quotas have the good sense to ask their cab to wait but they also have the same problem as the Downtown Hiltons. The Bates Sisters are done and they are on their way to the Pit Stop too. They tell the camera that people will underestimate them (because they wear T-shirts with one saying "Bowling" and the other "Moms"?) but they will show everyone that they mean business. Go, go, Bates! The Downtown Hiltons finally strike gold at the table and they are off to the Pit Stop too. The Quotas spot the same door that the sisters spotted earlier and rush up to play "chips" too. Sigh. Kim Quota is puzzled as to why they are given chips to play, but she's like "Whatever, let's play". The Grouchy Fat Slobs catch up with them. True to the luck of trashy rude gits who spend too much time at Vegas, they get their clue faster than the Quotas. In fact, they win at the first bet, if the editing is to be believed.

Alison trips and falls on her dash for a cab. That's so beautiful. She and Donkey get a cab. The Grouchy Fat Slobs get a cab. The Quotas get into their cab. The Downtown Hiltons get a cab too. Kim Quota wonders why there is no Detour in this leg of the race. Heh, I wonder why too. Meanwhile, the Downtown Hiltons are finally realizing that they have never actually found any clue "across the street" from the hotel but they decide to chuck aside their uneasiness and just head straight to the Pit Stop. love.com hits the pool and gets the clue telling them to head to the Pit Stop. GLPP reads the clue and decides to "zip" it. I wish. Pout tells Gout to zip it too. Here, Pop, carry the beef and let's do a ziplock, oh, and how's the knee? C+C zips too.

Meanwhile, Brobbie tells Lillie that it must be a "sign" that they have the "chips" option because apparently God asks people to gamble in their darkest moments of need. Or something. Lillie isn't keen on "chips" but Brobbie eggs her in that irritating baby voice of hers all the way to the roulette table. But they do have luck as they too seem to get the clue barely seconds into the game. Lillie has to stop Brobbie from getting to the blackjack table. I tell you, Brobbie is weird. She and Moppet will probably hook up soon.

I think the editing must have fuzzed up the chronology a bit in favor of "creative storytelling" because the Quotas reach the Pit Stop first and something doesn't add up here. How did they beat Alison and Donkey? Philo is waiting with Miss Uruguay Catalogue Number 548-099-X at the Pit Stop. He informs the Quotas that they are the first Team to arrive - yay - but because they didn't collect all the clues at this leg of the Race, they can't finish the Race until they go back and collect that clue. The Quotas know which clue he is talking about and run back out. The same thing happens to the Downtown Hiltons, the second team to arrive. They bark "Andale! Andale!" to their cab driver as if they are Speedy Gonzales with scraggly hair. The Quotas lament in their cab that the only way they can win is if there is another Team out there equally as lame as them. At least they are honest, heh. The Downtown Hiltons reassure themselves that they are still in the game.

Alison and her Donkey finally arrive - first! They win a cruise to Hawaii. Okay, this team is dysfunctional but they work well together. I'll see how far they can go with their kind of interactions. Tarable and Wail did well in Season Two, after all. Alison tells the camera that she hopes to have a relationship with Donkey that isn't dysfunctional. She can start by taking her relationship issues off the camera.

The Ex-Files locate the clue at the stand across the street from the hotel. They want to "zip". They catch up with Pout and Gout, who are nervous because they know they are really trailing behind if the Ex-Files are just behind them.

The Grouchy Fat Slobs are second to arrive at the Pit Stop. Lance says that he'll be here faster if he knows that the robotic Miss Uruguay will be there to greet him. Munch whistles and woofs appreciatively. They are such boring smarmbags. They probably think they are really funny.

The Bates Sisters are team number three. Yay! They are so happy. love.com smooch and gush when they are told that they are team number four.

The Ex-Files move across the cable. The Quotas and the Downtown Hiltons approach the hotel. Can the Ex-Files beat these two teams?

In their cab, Brobbie says that she must look good because she can't wait to see Philo, whom she proclaims to be "gorgeous". And there he is, Mr Gorgeous himself, giving her a smile as he proclaims Friends of Gulliver to be team number five. Brobbie tells him that she expects them to be team number three because they missed out four blocks during the Roadblock. Don't ask. She's just nuts.

Gout zips down into the pool and predictably says that his leg hurts. Oh zip it, he's supposed to be a tough military macho man. What kind of example is he setting for future little Ashcrofts and Rumsfields all over America?

GLPP and C+C come in sixth and seventh respectively.

The Quotas, Pout and Gout, the Downtown Hiltons, and the Ex-Files are now racing to the Pit Stop. Lots of moanings and groanings and frettings from all of them. Shut up, FauxDuchovny. If he stops being so pathetic about trying to be nice, he won't be in this predicament.

Finally, the Quotas step in - eighth. They are relieved and Chip Quota says that they have done wrongly everything that can go wrong at this leg of the Race, so he is confident that when they are in full functional mode, they'll be great. I've heard that one before.

The Downtown Hiltons warn Philo not to tell them they are last. They aren't. They are ninth. The sisters scowl. Then again, they are always scowling.

It boils down to Pout and Gout versus the Ex-Files. Oh no, who's the last team? A cab pulls up. Footsteps. Oh no, the tenth team is Pout and Gout. Gah. I'm not looking forward to more wound stories from Gout. He tells Philo that he's alright and that nobody's ever died from pain before. I really dislike this kind of passive-aggressive attitude where he tells people to stop worrying about him even as he deliberately drops blatant hints as to why people must never stop worrying over him. For my sake, I hope he never gets diarrhea on this Race or the stories he will spew will be really hideous.

Aww, the Ex-Files. FauxLeoni tells FauxDuchovny that she can't think of a better reason to lose than he being too nice (someone remind her of her angry diatribe to FauxDuchovny earlier on the show) and they will always be together, blah blah blah. See? They are shagging. Like bunnies. Dim-witted bunnies, but still, bunnies. FauxDuchovny blames himself but says that well, at least they now know that they are meant for each other. The sex at the camp must be really good, because I can't see how ziplocking and running around piers while carrying beef will in any way shed some enlightenment into one's relationship. Still, if he thinks that being nice is better than being a million dollars richer, good for him. People have lost for far worse reasons, I suppose.

Before YouTube, recapping music videos is totally a thing and not a waste of time. Really..

• More