THE AMAZING RACE

Season 5 Episode 9: If You're Gonna Whine, Just Shut Up!

Previously, everyone left on this show annoys one way or the other, with the C+Cs delivering the most painful poke in the end to the audience. It is as if the departure of the Friends of Gulliver left the Teams with no one left to hate so they all turn onto their own team mates instead. Philo wonders which Team will be eliminated next. I'd say we eliminate them all at the same time and while we're at it, let's shave bald the heads of Christie and Joan. Ugh, how could the best season of this show ever suddenly mutate into the most painful? Five more episodes to go, with four out of five potential winning Teams going to make me throw up if they do win... oh, what are you doing to me, Bonghammer?

Credits. Who will win in a total deathmatch, Alison or Christie? Who makes the worse boyfriend, Donkey or Colin? Is death an option?

Philo "I Know You Want Me, You Really Do" Koughie explains that the Racers are currently at the desert oasis Pit Stop near Dubai, a city he calls one of the most prosperous in the Arab world. He makes a fuss about the Downtown Hiltons coming in last and having stripped of all their money because it wasn't an elimination round. Will the Downtown Hiltons beat the odds to stay in the Race? And other than their parents, is there anybody out there that actually cares about the fate of the idiot sisters on the Race?

10:51 pm. The C+Cs get to go first because they are first again as everybody else on this Race is a lousy Racer that can't keep up even when Colin is running solo while dragging a twenty-pound whiny bitch clinging to his left ankle. Morons, all of the other Teams. What are they waiting for? A signal from God? (No, don't answer, the GLPPs.) Beat the C+Cs already! The C+Cs open their clue, read it, and Philo comes out to explain that Teams must now head to the Wild Wadi, the biggest water theme park outside the USA, located thirty-five miles from the starting line. A designed vehicle can be used by each Team to the tacky theme park. Christie just has to tell Colin from the back of the vehicle to watch out for camels. He tells her to cram it. This leads to her voiceover saying that Colin has a bad temper and they screw up when he loses it. This is proof that she really has a terminal mental condition that enables her to stay with the jerk: he did lose his temper, several times in fact, and they came in first because the other Teams are so bloody useless. So what exactly is she talking about, this "screwing up"? Aside from her letting the world peek into her self-esteem free private world of virulent bitchery and pathetic codependency, that is. Back to the Race, they stop by the road and Colin asks for directions (the ever-useful Christie must be busy scanning for camels).

At 11:27 am, the most intelligent self-professed devout Christians to ever grace a reality TV show depart. Moppet talks about how their relationship is all good, they are in love, wow. Just keep those dark, scary crevices from him, Joan, or he'll run away with Chuckles the Werewolf. As their vehicle zooms down the road, Joan at the back spots a mosque outside her window and says that those "church things" (she wonders aloud, "What was it called, a mosque or something?") are everywhere and these "church things" are like "Starbucks". I love how she inadvertently compares a place of worship in a country where America isn't viewed in entirely rose hues to Starbucks, one of America's more familiar brand of capitalism. It is a good thing these two just have to stand near-naked (or naked) and silent in photoshoots (a new Jack Chick pamphlet done in the style of an Abercrombie and Fitch booklet, anyone?), because if they have to play any bigger role in the scheme of things, they are the ones who join a missionary trip to Israel and end up starting a new Middle-East conflict without knowing how they achieve that. (Hubby reminds me that the GLPPs are models and I'm probably expecting too much from them. Maybe I am. But Starbucks? Good grief.)

11:41 am. The Quotas get in their vehicle after Chip takes time to clean the sides a little - now I know why they were so behind earlier in the Race. Chip says that this Race is the honeymoon they never had and they are loving every minute. He neglects to mention that the million dollar prize money would make the honeymoon even sweeter. I don't know about Chip: his constant feel-good chatter is starting to wear thin and even insincere, especially when he's starting to get nasty in his racing.

At 11:42 am, the Bates Sisters depart. They seem more downbeat than usual as they skip the usual "Ohmigod, hee-hee-hee!" squealings and hop straight into their vehicle.

The Quotas notice that the Bates Sisters are right behind them. In the Bates Sisters' vehicle, Kathy, borrowing the script from her friend Brobbie, says that the other Teams underestimate the Bates Sisters but she's going to make sure that she and Linda will spring a surprise on them. She can start by having her Team not coming in near-last every week, for a start. I will look into any divine beings I can sell my soul to so that this Team's streak of unusually awful luck with cab drivers will stop.

Ahead, Moppet asks for directions and then tells aloud as he gets back in his vehicle that he's putting "blind faith" in these guys. I sympathize. If only everybody looks just like Moppet and Joan! That's why they are good Christians and they are going to heaven, you know. God loves pretty people and heaven doesn't allow fatties. These ugly heretics that pray in Starbucks are so going to hell. Hmm, come to think of it, that's not a bad idea, having Starbucks in a place of worship. It's always nice to have a nice cup of overpriced coffee to relax to after listening to the Sunday service.

The C+Cs arrive at the Wild Wadi and realize that no matter how wild the wadi can be, it's closed until 8:00 am. There's a tent for the Teams to rest in so the C+Cs get down to wait. Colin is wearing a pair of shorts. He has short, stubby, clunky meaty stumps covered with too much hair. He calls them "legs", I call them "hideous".

At 12:14 am, the Downtown Hiltons leave. Dang, I'm hoping that the show has somehow forgotten about them and just move on. Their clue tells them that other Teams receive $55 each but they have nothing because they came in last in the previous non-elimination leg. Never mind, they tell the camera that they are cute and sexy so they will manipulate men. Or as they say, they will use the sexual gifts God gave them. God calls up St Peter on the celestial hotline and asks St Peter whether he remembers God doing that because even God can't remember. Crappy porn music plays as one of them offer to sing and massage a man's shoulders for money. Another sister - or maybe the same sister, I don't know - makes what she thinks is a smoulderingly sexy face but she looks just like the bastard daughter of John Lithgow and Alanis Morisette. The handsome guy gives them money and visibly shudders and recoils when the young lady reaches out for a hug. I don't think he's paying her for her charms as much as he just wants her and her sister to go away ASAP and leave him to his more appealing smuggled American porno tape collection. By scaring men into parting with their money - oops, "manipulating men to give their money", they finally get enough to continue on with the Race.

The Quotas seem to have interrupted the C+Cs in some foreplay moment as Christie has the covering of the bedroll she shares with Colin up to her armpits while Colin is shirtless. Thank you, Quotas, for sparing me the ghastly sight of what could have been a scarring trauma on my TV screen. As Kim stands way behind and tries to look away, Chip puts on an oblivious face and chatters with Colin about some trivial matter. By the way, Kim is noticeably rolling up her eyes when Colin speaks, heh. Colin voices over that he trusts the Quotas because they can help each other get into the Top Three. I don't understand his logic. Shouldn't he trust the Quotas because they are honest, instead of because they can benefit him in any way? Perhaps expectedly, Chip tells a different story to the camera: he and Kim are just waiting for the C+Cs to self-destruct. Back to the tent of aborted self-love (because come on, when Colin makes love, he's making love to himself), Colin remarks that the Quotas drove here pretty fast in the same way that the Godfather would say that his right-hand man is smoklng better cigars right before the Godfather shoots the man dead for embezzling mob money. Chip cluelessly says that he used to drive for the mob. He is about to launch into a tale complete with hand gestures when Kim quickly cuts in and says that they actually got lost and found their way here by luck. She's smart enough to know that Colin will not tolerate anyone showing any sign that they are better than him in any way.

The Downtown Hiltons are lost. Now that's a shocker. They find a cute guy - wow, Dubai is really overflowing with hot guys and it's not even noon yet - who offers to lead the way to Wild Wadi. The charming sisters compliment him on his accent - it's called "local", dears - and they give him a hug when he throws in a twenty to boot. He turns to the camera and leers unnecessarily, saying gleefully, "Twins!" Unaware that they are being laughed at by the man whose car they are following, the Downtown Hiltons admires his car and compliment each other on their amazing display of feminine wiles.

The Bates Sisters and the GLPPs reach the Wild Wadi at the same time. The Moppet is bummed that the GLPPs have lost time while being lost. Serves them right, really. The Downtown Hiltons arrive soon after and the Teams all wait for 8:00 am to come.

Night fast fowards to day and before I know it, the Teams are rushing into the now-opened Wild Wadi. The Clue Stand is right near the entrance and there are numbered tags on one side of the clue box. Chip runs past the clue stand, realizes his mistake, but Joan grabs Number One before he can reach for it. The Quotas grab Number Two, the Bates Sisters Number Three, the C+Cs Number Four, and the Downtown Hiltons Number Five. The Teams, having finished grabbing for numbers, finally take a breather to read their Clue. Philo steps out to explain that Teams must now climb to the top of the high water tower ride, Jumeirah Sceirah, and then go down the water slide in the order as determined by the numbered tags they each hold. The next Clue is at the bottom of the slide.

Joan goes down first and Moppet is thrilled because his girlfriend is wet and wild and naturally, he thanks God for making his girlfriend very wet. Then Moppet goes down and Chip, knowing that the wuss is scared to tight, dark places, encourages him with a "Big B!" yell. Big B, huh? What does that B stand for? Not balls, that's for sure. Moppet screams all the way down. I don't know who screams higher, Joan or Moppet, and I don't care to examine in detail my taped episode to find out. The GLPPs open their clue and realize that they must now find their way to Calcutta, India, some 2,100 miles from Dubai. In Calcutta, Philo explains, Teams must locate the Sahid Minar monument to get their next clue.

Kim is next to go down. Chip encourages her by calling her... um, I don't know. It sounds like "Scabby Poo" but I'm sure it's something more benign like Scooby-Doo. Big B, Booby Cooper, Scabby Poo - Chip's mind is like an hour-long Teletubby special. ("He looks like one!" says hubby.) The GLPPs are ready to leave as the Quotas go down the slide. Moppet wants to get a cab to the Dubai International Airport but Joan points out that the clue says to drive themselves there. The GLPPs get back into their vehicles and speed out of the Wild Wadi. On the other hand, the Quotas hop into a cab. Cue Moppet wondering in his cab whether other Teams detect the clause in the Clue asking them to drive themselves to the airport. Ah, there's nothing like hoping that other Teams fail to give the morning an inspirational celestial lift.

Linda Bates slide down first and calls to Kathy enthusiastically to hurry up. They too get ready to leave and Kathy stops Linda from calling a cab in time. Unfortunately, the camera zooms in on the contestant bag drop-off place. The Bates Sisters have left one of their bags, a smallish purse actually, behind. Oh no, not another whammy! Will this Team ever get a break?

The C+Cs and the Downtown Hiltons complete the water sliding and they too get into their vehicles.

In their cab, Kim is reading the clue closely when she squeals in dismay. Oh no, they are supposed to drive themselves to the airport, she points out, showing Chip the relevant portion of the clue. They quickly ask their cab driver to turn back to the Wild Wadi. Somewhere a little behind, Linda is driving and nodding her head a little in that way happy drivers do when they are sure that nothing will go wrong and the day would be perfect like they planned. Heh. Kathy realizes that she can't find her purse anywhere and asks Linda whether Linda has seen it. Linda, of course, hasn't seen it. After all, when a bag goes missing, it's always the other's person responsibility to check the bags so it is always the other person's fault, isn't it? Kathy says in dismay that the Bates Sisters' passports are in the purse. Linda presses her palm to her hand and emits a really painful high-pitched "No!" before making a turn. I hope she doesn't hit anyone in the process.

The C+Cs manage to get to the airport first, the GLPPs second. Because two Teams have to turn back, the Downtown Hiltons arrive third. This is one Team who gets to advance only because other Teams screw up on their own but I'm sure the idiot sisters convince themselves that they are really such adorably sneaky manipulative little minxes.

Back at the Wild Wadi, Kathy gets the purse and runs back to where Linda is waiting in their vehicle. Linda spots a cab driver and yells at him for directions to the airport. Wait, shouldn't she have asked this before she leaves Wild Wadi the first time around? The driver says that he goes there (as in, I suppose, he can take them there) and Linda happily follows the cab. By the way, she's really loud in this particular scene. Not just loud, more like high enough to shatter windows. I'm sure it is very effective for crowd control, especially for the foam club she and Kathy are planning to open in the future, but when it's just me, her, and the TV screen, I wonder whether I should start putting some barrier between me and the TV screen in case the screen shatters. Shortly after, the Quotas' cab pulls up outside the Wild Wadi and the Quotas run for their vehicles. Chip describes their error as a "major faux pas". I'm sure he's using that phrase wrongly. Kim tells him from the backseat to just take her to the airport, where she'll resume doing her share for the Team. Are those cricket chirpings I hear?

At the airport, Linda generously pauses to tip the driver who have brought the Bates Sisters all the way here. The driver however shakes his head and points to the meter in his cab. He wants 41 dinars. Linda, probably understandably, assumes that he wants 41 American dollars so she again hollers in that unbelievably high-pitch of hers that she doesn't have that much money. Linda tells the camera that she is dismayed at the thought that the driver dares to ask for more money than the five-dollar tip she offered. Er, Linda, I love ya to bits but five dollars? The Bates Sisters, unfortunately, must have believed Colin when he talks about nearly winning the cab tussle last week (suckers) so they just ignore the driver and walk into the airport. The driver calls an airport security officer to settle the matter. After failing to get his money, the cab driver has the officer escort Linda to an interrogation room. Meanwhile, Kathy is worried because she's not allowed to follow Linda. Linda tells the camera that the cab driver, a balding and genial guy who uses words like "Excuse me", is a "very scary man". Wait until Linda sees the mangy dog living in the street behind my house. Sure, I give him food, a bath, and even a comfy shelter in my backyard, and he loses every fight he's in, but he's even more scary than that cab driver. After some remarkably calm discussion, especially considering Linda's banshee tone, she finally realizes that the driver wants 41 dinars (or fifteen American dollars) and pays up. So it is yet another silly drama over nothing, just like every drama on this season has been, hmmph!

The C+Cs, the GLPPs, the Downtown Hiltons, and the Bates Sisters manage to secure seats on a flight to Calcutta via Mumbai, expected to arrive at Calcutta at 9:30 am the next day. The Quotas arrive next at the airport but the flight is already full. They have to settle for a flight that will take them Calcutta at 9:40 am. Chip isn't pleased with the situation and worries that even ten minutes are critical on a Race like this. Is that why he stopped to clean his vehicle before catching up with the others earlier today? Soon, the flight leaves with all the Teams on board, but the Quotas have to separate from the herd at Mumbai and wander around the airport while waiting for their flight to Calcutta. Chip says optimistically that a miracle can happen in ten minutes. He's not hoping for the other plane to crash, is he?

Hello, India! Look, there's a cobra, a sitar player, and many impoverished people scowling at the camera. India is the land where the trains are filled with molesters, as viewers of last season can testify, and India doesn't let people leave her soils. The God-fearing GLPPs are the first to arrive and in their cab ride, Moppet complains of the crowd and the smell. Joan is silent. Maybe she's looking for Starbucks. Colin smirks very nastily and says in an oh-so-insincere voice that India is filled with "human culture". The way he says it, he believes that he invented irony and he expects to be celebrated for that fact. Newsflash, jerk, "human culture" is precisely the term used by drop-out sociology students trying to impress the ladies in some singles bar. And no, we ladies are never fooled, especially when guys like Colin stammer in stymied confusion when the said ladies respond with a genuinely brilliant quip. Like "Get lost, toad!" Christie shakes her head silently and tells him that he shouldn't make fun of the culture of India. Er, Christie, the filth and the smell? That is not culture, that is poverty. Colin of course insists that he's not making fun of India, he's just commenting that the place is beautiful, blah blah blah, oh, and he doesn't want to be like anyone else and at least be honest about the stench and poverty. So he chooses to be an asshole with an inept sense of sarcasm instead. Nice one, asshole.

Cut to the Bates Sisters saying that the dresses worn by the local women are so beautiful. Ah, the saris of India, a truly democratic outfit indeed because women can look good in one no matter what size they are. Unfortunately, wearing one requires some practice especially when it comes to the trailing hems. Just don't wear one in cold places.

The Quotas finally arrive in Calcutta and Kim is gloomy because she is worried that they can't catch up. Maybe they can, because traffic in Calcutta, one of the most populated cities in the world, is a killer. The GLPPs' cab has a flat tire. The Bates Sisters are stuck in traffic. The Downtown Hiltons are lost. But the Quotas' cab driver says that he knows a short cut and lo, indeed he does. The Quotas arrive just after the C+Cs in second place at the Sahid Minar monument. The Bates Sisters never get cab drivers like that, hmmph!

As the C+Cs run to the clue stand, they pass the Yield. Philo steps out to explain what a Yield is, but since nobody uses it, I won't be bothered with the explanation. The C+Cs say that they won't use the Yield because they want to win without playing dirty. That's why they block doors, cheat cab drivers, obstruct other Teams from getting tickets, and generally act like asshole-and-bitch on a rabies-induced rampage. That's playing fair. There's a Fast Forward attached to the clue, but the C+Cs can't use it. They must now travel to Garia, thirteen miles from here, and locate the Globe Brick Factory. The Quotas won't use the Yield too, although Kim says that they won't rule out using it at a later date when it's to their advantage. Because the Quotas are eligible to use the Fast Forward, Philo steps out to explain that this Fast Forward involves the Teams participating in a "traditional Hindu custom". Ah, but this custom involves shaving off one's hair completely. I guess Chip can take a nap while Kim gets her head shaved or something. But the Quotas don't want to use the Fast Forward apparently because they feel that someone else would have gone after it first. But when they see the GLPPs coming up as they leave, they realize that they could still use the Fast Forward. They'll see.

The GLPPs won't use the Yield or the Fast Forward. Ditto the Bates Sisters and the Downtown Hiltons. So what is the point of bringing up the Yield then? Hmm.

The C+Cs reach the Globe Brick Factory and realize that it's time for a Roadblock. The clue wonders who among them is ready to get down and dirty. Of course it is Colin. Will Christie do it? What, and get her hands dirty? How disgusting! The Roadblock requires the Team member to make twenty bricks out of mud and a rectangular mould, and these bricks must be approved by the manager of the factory before they count. Christie tells Colin to stop and watch how the underpaid kids around them are making those bricks. He watches them briefly and then starts getting down to work. Christie starts giving orders. I can pretty much see the mercury in Colin's inner thermometer start to rise to the top.

Kim, who wants to play her part in her Team, tells Chip that he's ready to get down and dirty. Naturally, fans who rag on Brobbie for telling Lillie to perform a Roadblock are very silent on Kim's letting her man do all the dirty work. Then again, my experiences with reality TV fans have me convinced that too many of them have selective interpretations on the actions of their favorite Racers. Back to the Race, Colin is faring poorly because he's supposed to make the brick like how one would make a loaf of bread - mould the mud by hand first, fit it into the mould next - and as the experience with the ostrich egg shows, I don't think Colin has even entered a kitchen on his own free will before. Chip gets his brick approved first and Colin quickly turns to scowl murderously at Chip. Heaven forbids anyone to be better than Colin, after all. His second brick fails to pass the test while Chip's second one does. Christie tells Colin to "pack it more" (Brobbie is sniggering somewhere) and he throws the mould down and shouts at her that he is packing it. Yeah, and he's still packing it puny.

The GLPPs arrive next and Moppet answers the call of duty as well. Why do guys like Colin and Moppet bring their useless girlfriends along? Won't it be better if they have a more useful team mate on this Race? Moppet, unsurprisingly, is nervous and asks his secret crush Chip on whether the brick-making is tough. Chip tells him dramatically that he is dying. The Bates Sisters are here too. Linda says that Kathy will do the Roadblock because Linda did the last one (the one that wasn't shown last episode because Colin was too busy annoying people - something involving walnuts if the pictures on the website are anything to go by). As Kathy gets down to pounding some bricks, Linda notes that making a brick is like making bread (bingo) and asks Kathy to pound the dough hard to get the air bubbles out.

Chip has his third brick. Colin finally has one. Christie tells him that he has made one good brick and they are behind Chip. Colin snarls at her, saying that she is just killing him. Yeah, is that why he thinks that it was okay to tell her that they were behind when she was eating caviar in Russia? Back then, I felt sorry for Christie. Now, I am firmly in the camp that they deserve each other so that they will never inflict themselves on anyone else. Moppet flops at his first brick. Kathy excels in hers. As Linda squeals in joy, Christie, like a dumb dog who won't stop yapping even when her enraged owner is coming towards her with a gun, tells Colin that the Bates Sisters have caught up with him. Chip gets his fifth brick approved. Colin, a frenzy, completes two approved brick. Kathy gets her second brick right. Colin gets another brick done. He's probably, you know, crapping them out judging from his expression. On the other hand, Moppet can't seem to get anything done right. He limply plays with the mud with his hands before telling Joan that he is so sorry. Joan, channeling Flo, snaps that he should be watching and learning from the people around him because he can't simply be getting the brick-making wrong all the time. Did I say that she is useless on this show? No, she flogs Moppet and berates him when he's too slow for her liking. See, she has her uses after all. The Downtown Hiltons finally arrive at the Globe Brick Factory. Joan realizes that all Teams are here so no one is using the Fast Forward. She asks him whether they should go for it. Moppet, the wuss, just says that he doesn't know.

The earlier Teams are getting the hang of the brick-making now and they are putting out bricks like nobody's business. The Idiot Downtown Hilton That Makes Bricks fumbles at her first attempt and the Idiot That Watches offers some plainly useless advice that causes the formet to snap at the latter to be quiet. Moppet finally gives up and he and Joan run for the Fast Forward. Colin, noticing them, says aloud to the other Teams, "Of course, all the Teams are here so they are using the Fast Forward!" Um, yeah, thanks, because without his astute observation, I'd suspect that the GLPPs are running off to get a cup of mocha from Starbucks or something. I have an inkling that Colin is the kind of person who will tell the heart surgeon how to perform a coronary bypass when Christie finally collapses after years of dealing with Colin. Colin then goes back to crapping out a brick. Christie high-fives the factory manager because without her sage guidance, Colin will be laying square hard-boiled eggs instead of those lovely, rectangular bricks. Meanwhile, the Idiot Sister That Makes Bricks submits a crumbling brick that fails to earn the manager's approval.

Colin is done first - imagining what he can do with those bricks on a hard skull can be so inspirational - and he and his screechy albatross take off. The clue they receive from the manager tells them to take a train to the Sealdah Station. The catch here is, can they locate the train station to take them there, which is virtually indistinguishable from the wooden shanty buildings lining the streets? (Seriously, it looks worse than the Komuter train pit stop at Padang Jawa - Klang Valley Malaysians will know what I'm getting at.) The C+Cs get a cab to get to the station.

Chip announces that he is dedicating the brick he is making to his Big Lou grandfather who spent forty years making brick. I think fate is trying to tell me something when that brick is rejected by the manager. Chip has better be nicer to Big Lou when they next meet. The Bates Sisters have twenty bricks done and dash off while Chip is working on his final brick. He sighs that the "mothers" "freaking beat" him. Well, they are more capable than his missus, that's for sure, who is right now standing there with a scowl on her face. She must be hard at work formulating her second Great Contribution to her Team after her sole dig Roadblock. One of these days, she'll prove to every doubting skeptics that when she says that she wants to contribute, she will follow through. Just wait and see, people!

Left behind as other Teams leave for the station, the Downtown Hiltons' bickering intensifies. The One That Watches says that the One That Makes The Bricks knows that the former can do better than the latter. The One That Makes The Bricks snaps that no, she doesn't know. The One That Watches orders the Other One to watch someone make a brick. Watch, damn it, watch! "I am watching!" half-screams the Other One in frustration. The One That Watches sighs and says that they are definitely going home.

Colin goes "choo-choo!" so that cab driver will know that he's deranged and drive the C+Cs to the local asylum. Christie says that they have lousy luck with cab drivers - oh, since when? - and tells the driver not to hit a cow. The cow on the street, I mean, not Christie. The Bates Sisters are also trying to ensure that the cab driver takes them to the correct station, understandably cautious given their luck with these cab drivers so far. Now that, Christie, is lousy luck with cab drivers. But what does Christie know anyway? She's dating Colin. Case closed. The Quotas' cab driver is fast so Chip is delighted (Kim is still concentrating in her thoughts). They arrive at the station first. Colin is not amused when he and his screechy albatross arrive second. What's the use anyway? He can come in first all the time but he will still be ugly. Maybe "Texas Xtreme" isn't a concept as much as it is a shameless plea for Extreme Makeover to give Christie bigger boobs so that he will feel like a bigger man than he really is. The C+Cs and the Quotas have no problems boarding a train but the Bates Sisters encounter another snag.

The ticket person accepts only rupees and Linda has only US currency with her. This forces Linda to really screech for some exception to be granted to the Bates Sisters. The man is unmoved even at the threat of Linda's sonic boom rupturing his eardrums. Linda finally moves away from the counter and, staring wild-eyed crazily at the line forming behind her, asks aloud whether anyone can spare them roubles. Roubles, huh? I hear even the Russians don't want them anymore, so good luck giving them to the Indians, Linda. Naturally, this being Calcutta where people don't have too much rupees, much less roubles, nobody has any Russian coinage to spare the Bates Sisters. Linda wails that she and Kathy have to get on the train now but oh no, they have no money, aaah. Someone tells them that they can exchange money at some money exchanger so she and Kathy soon take off in a cab.

The C+Cs and the Quotas board the train. Molested In Mumbai has a sequel in Copped-A-Feel In Calcutta when Christie complains that someone grabbed her butt. Well, it has Texas stamped on the butt and maybe the guy just wants to see what Texas is like. Colin says that he will pound some fist into the guy and he indeed moves to do just that when Christie stops him. What a shame. The sight of a six-feet-five muscled thug pounding Colin to the ground can be so enjoyable to see. Oh, these trains in India, really! And the way the show keeps bringing this up, India should be ashamed and try to teach its menfolk to emulate the virtuous men in America where they never cop a feel on women in subway trains, oh no.

Outside the station, Linda is foolishly flashing a thick pile of American dollars to a crowd of people, many who would never see such amount of money in a year and there are a few folks with avaricious gleam that can cause things to be really ugly were there not cameras around. Kathy, realizing this, tells Linda to stop flashing their money around. Linda is, by the way, screaming at the locals to tell them where the Bates Sisters can exchange the money she is showing them. It's a good thing that nobody takes that to mean that they can exchange the money for their lives. A cab driver says that he knows where they can change money and the Bates Sisters gratefully hop into his cab.

The Idiot Sister That Makes Bricks finally snaps in between her prolonged bickering with her sister and stands up. She says that she will watch a "real expert" make the brick. The Other Sister sarcastically mentions that she suggested this earlier but did somebody listen? No! After a while, the Idiot That Makes Bricks manage to cobble up a decent brick. That or the manager doesn't care anymore and he'd approve of a rectangular elephant turd if it means getting the two bickering women out of his side. It's her fourth one, by the way.

"No!" That's Linda, screaming in the cab when she realizes that the cab driver is taking them back to the heart of Calcutta. That's also me screaming as I clutch the sides of my head in pain. Will the world ever stop shaking? Linda hops out of the cab, Kathy close behind, and tells the driver that she will exchange the money with him. After some rushed wrangling, Linda gets enough for her train ride, but it's at an exhorbitant exchange rate. Cab drivers can be very enterprising people. Kathy sighs that they are "so screwed". I know, dear.

The Downtown Hiltons finally complete twenty bricks and they take off. Thank heavens. Talk about a prolonged torture.

The GLPPs finally arrive at the Fast Forward location, a lovely garden outside a temple (I think). Earlier in the cab, Moppet wonders what the "good luck Hindu ritual" could be. Oh, I don't know. Kissing a cow, perhaps? When they encounter the barbers, the seats, and the clue explaining what the ritual in question is, their mouths fell open. After some wrangling over Joan's currently horrid unwashed hair, they wonder whether they should go back and do the bricks. Um, hello? A million dollars? I don't know about anyone else but if I'm there, you'd better hand me the clipper or I'll grab it out of your hands. They know they are last, but oh, their pretty, pretty hair! God will surely stop them from entering Heaven if they are ugly! Joan moans to the camera that they are both models (and looking at her, hubby suspects that she'd model the "before" pics to someone's "after") so they cannot cut their hair, oh no! Naturally, she reasons that he can't afford to lose his hair as it is his selling point to third-rate clothing labels, this is why she can't make them cut their hair. He tells the camera that she cannot lose her "beautiful" hair so of course he can't make them cut their hair. What pansies. Just admit already that they don't want to cut their own hair instead of saying that the other person's career will crash if they do so they are doing this for the other person's own good!

Still, if that's what they really believe in - that they may lose out eventually and they have to think beyond the finish line as to what shaving their heads can do to their career - fair play to them. But what cheeses me off is Joan's breakdown in the cab on their way back to the Globe Brick Factory. She starts crying and saying that she's an idiot, it's all her fault, and they are going to be last. Naturally, there's not one moment when she suggests that they turn back and get their heads shaved. Since she's not giving it up, why doesn't she shut up then? What a whiney crybaby. Moppet assures her that it's not her fault (he's a wuss too, after all) and decides that they'd both pray to God for Joan's sake. What, so that she can shut up? I have never seen people who use God as a shield for their own neuroses, faults, and insecurities like these two. Religious people are cool, most of the time, but these two? They turn their faith into a complex. Oh, can't cut their hair? Help them, God! Can't win a million dollars? God! Moppet prays for faith in Jesus and mentions that they have faith in Him to send them as far as they can on this Race. If there is a hotline to the Big Fellow Upstairs, He'd have a special message on his answering machine for nuisances like the GLPPs: "Hello, it's me, God, calling from the Land of I Don't Give A Flying Duck, informing you that future calls will be billed at $3.95 for the first five minutes and $1.95 for every subsequent minute." Joan, consoled at the thought of God no doubt approving her actions because she is so pretty, nods. He kisses her.

The Bates Sisters are waiting for their train when the Downtown Hiltons catch up with them. Linda whines to the camera that she hates to be eliminated because she has been stupid. Okay, she overlooks to exchange her American currency for rupees, that's one, but I don't think that qualify as stupid as much as a potentially fatal misstep. What's a mistake? See the "God? Milk?" couple in the previous paragraph. Linda keeps whining in that really painful high pitch of hers to poor Kathy. If Linda can hear herself, I don't think she will be talking so much. Kathy voices over that Linda has been getting on her nerves these last few days with her incessant whining. As if on cue, as they wait for the train to arrive at the platform, Linda wails that she can't believe, er, whatever it is that she can't believe, because she doesn't elaborate. Kathy sighs to the camera, saying that if Linda just wanna whine, she can just shut up. How sad that these two are the ones to say that when there are so many Teams deserving of the rebuke.

On the bright side, the Downtown Hiltons reach the platform just as the train carrying the Bates Sisters pull out. So the Downtown Hiltons will have to wait for the next train.

At Sealdah Station, the C+Cs and the Quotas get off the train where they discover that it's now time for a Detour after Colin locate the clue box by standing on a bench. Heh, he stands on a bench. Philo steps out to explain that Teams must now choose to perform either "Heavy But Short" or "Light But Long". Okay, "short" obviously refers to Colin but is Colin "heavy"? Chip could be "long", I guess, but is he "light"? I'm confused. Anyway, "Heavy But Short" will require the Teams to move a cab from a nearby street to a workshop half-a-mile away. The "heavy" part comes in play when the cab is revealed to have no engine - Teams will have to push the cab. "Light But Long" requires the Teams to take a garland and navigate through the confusing maze-like streets of the marketplace to reach Ganges River, where they will release the garland onto the river and receive the next Clue from the holy man keeping watch on the place.

The C+Cs and the Quotas choose to do "Heavy But Short" and get on a bus to take them to where the cabs are. Chip compliments Colin on the man's strength and Colin naturally preens, rolls up his sleeves, and flexes a bicep. Man, that is an impressive bicep. I've never seen anything that reminds me so much of a dead fish before. As Chip acts as if he's just discovered what a bicep is, he tells the camera that Colin's "fatal flaw" is his ego and while the only person who can "beat" Colin eventually is Colin himself, the Quotas will happily pump up the man's ego so that Colin will get there faster. Ooh, so only Colin can beat himself. Snigger. He probably thinks that it is the best ever thingie in the world so only he can touch it. Yes, I'm twelve.

The Moppet is back at working at the bricks. First he tells the camera that he's anxious to get the Roadblock over with and then he says that he has an easier time at it now that the pressure is off. Talk about someone with performance issues. The editing suggests that he completes the Roadblock quickly and they then head off to the train station.

The C+Cs and the Quotas reach a line of cabs waiting to be pushed. Seeing the key in the appropriate keyslot, Colin says that he will drive the "bitch". Man oh man, someone is trying too hard to be cool. Kim turns the key in her cab and realizes that the cab won't start. A quick check in the front hood reveals that there is no engine in any of the cabs lined up by the street. Of course, being efficient Racers, they quickly call all the locals around them to help them push. Many of these locals are kids no doubt excited to be on TV. Christie is in the wheel, as is Chip. Yes, Kim is doing the pushing for her cab along with a bunch of kids. Well, looks like she's finally doing her share for her Team. I guess I'll see her in action again in, oh, six episodes from now on. Colin says that there is a woman on the wheel so watch out, people, as Christie makes an erratic turn. See? She can't even push a steering wheel right. Just imagine what will happen if she has to handle the brake, the gear, and the signals at the same time. Kim complains playfully to the camera that it is not right that a man makes his woman push a car and Chip says that he will make it up to her. Hey, who was it that says she wanted to do a bigger part for her Team a few weeks back again? What, just one Roadblock and that's Big Enough? Hmmph.

I won't be harping on all this if the co-ed Teams this season, apart from Alison and her Donkey, aren't so heavily lopsided where the men did everything and the women preened and cheered from the sidelines. Or in the case of these last few episodes, bitched and moaned from the sidelines. Can we get Alison and her Donkey back?

The Bates Sisters arrive at the Station and choose the cab detour. On their train, the Downtown Hiltons worry that they will be eliminated.

Christie pushes her face out of the window and waves at the camera, presumably at the kids watching from the pavement, "Come on! Help us!" with this fake big smile on her face. Yes, third-world kiddies, help the pretty American princess push her car so that she can win a million dollars. And what will the bitchy shrew with a bloated sense of self-entitlement give them in return? You tell me. The C+Cs reach the workshop first so Colin is nice enough to thank them. The Quotas arrive soon after. They must now head over to the Victoria Memorial building, which Philo calls a "tribute" to the British colonials of India. How nice, Philo. I'm sure when the Indians erect that building under orders from the British colonials, they are really planning to create a tribute to some self-elected pompous blow-hard Empress of India. Christie has the cheek to say that the task wasn't so bad after all. Colin says yeah, for her, because she drove. And may I add, because countless locals helped them, people whom they won't remember ten seconds after they leave this place.

Why am I so annoyed anyway? Let me take a deep breath and remind myself that this is just a TV show.

At the train station, Moppet befriends a little boy. Joan spoils the mood by asking Moppet to stand close to her because people are staring at her funny. Judging from her attitude so far when it comes to cultures foreign to hers, I have a suspicion that they are staring at her because she stares at them first in that hostile/mistrustful expression of hers, sure that these mean-looking dark men would surely want to maul and attack her luscious American babe body because as Joan can testify, surely the whole world wants to be American and have anything American as America is so beautiful! As the GLPPs board the train, she shrieks that she's being pushed. Well, it's a crowded train. Moppet asks God to help her. Will they behave like this when they enter a crowded subway train in New York? Call me presumptious but I don't think so.

Oh look, the Bates Sisters both sit in their cab as the locals push. The least they could do is not to contribute two extra tons to the load the unpaid locals are pushing, right? Linda is screaming at the unpaid slaves to go faster. I'm sure when she opens her foam club, she'll turn the basement into a sweatshop. Later, the Downtown Hiltons are also in their cab as the locals push. What is this? Sheesh, the Self-Entitled To Exploit Unpaid Third-World Citizens To Win A Million Dollars Hour? What happened to my favorite show? Bring that one back!

The GLPPs decide to choose the cab detour too. And like the forefathers who believe in God, Gospel, and Glory dogma, they have no qualms getting the unpaid natives to do their dirty deeds for them.

Linda screams her thanks at her slaves when they push her cab into the workshop parking space. I think she's incapable of speaking in a normal tone. Her voice box must have malfunctioned or something. The Downtown Hiltons later have their Detour completed for them too and as they get in a cab to reach their Pit Stop, they chime in unison that the Detour was "so sweet". Yeah, nothing is as sweet as getting people to do your work for you and then acting like they've done you a bloody favor.

At the Aren't We Glad The Brits Civilized India Monument, the C+Cs pull up first. Colin naturally reaches the mat first and then points to the mat, instructing Christie where to stand the way a man orders a recalcitrant dog to sit still and behave. Words can't describe how this Team has surpassed previous Jerk-and-Woman Teams in the history of the Race. Boy, the Tokens come off as a benign married couple in comparison to the C+Cs. The VIP puts some decorative putu, a simple dot on the guy's forehead and a flower on the woman's, and Philo tells them that they are first and they have won a trip to "exotic" Mexico. Yeah, these Texans will find Mexico exotic, alright. May I suggest the Kalahari Desert as an alternative?

The Quotas step up and because Colin is magnanimous in victory and because Chip is playing at insincerity, the two men hug before the Quotas step on the finishing mat. Chip and Kim are team number two.

The Bates Sisters and the Downtown Hiltons worry about being last and the show tries to suggest that it's a race of some sort, but either the editors are getting sloppy or I am used to their tricks because I am not convinced one bit. The Bates Sisters are team number three, good job despite everything, really. The Downtown Hiltons are team number four. They are shocked that they are not eliminated and wonder aloud who the last Team could be.

Well, who could it be? It is dark when the GLPPs are in a cab to the Victoria Monument. Moppet calls the whole day "nuts" - actually, if he has them, the day would be so much better - and says that they never expect to shave their heads. I know. Heaven forbids that anyone touch their pretty, pretty hair. Joan says that well, at least she has the "sweet boyfriend" and that is all that matters to her. They exchange a smile, proud that they are so sweet with each other. They step on the finishing mat. They tell each other they love the other person. Please, they're going to be eliminated from the Race, not sent to the guillotine or something. Joan is horrified that the VIP puts what must be the Mark of Satan on Moppet's forehead and exclaims that no, surely she doesn't need one too?

Hmmm, okay, explain to me again, people, how the hell can these people claim to be models but still hold such narrow viewpoints about people? What kind of fashion models are they? I mean, if they are not shy about stripping half-naked - or at least Moppet isn't - for an advertisement that is the epitome of sexual objectification, how can they at the same time hold some simultaneously hypocritical and close-minded view of the world around them? I don't understand these people. They use God as well as each other a shield for nearly everything. Where are the sane, likeable religious people?

Moppet's mouth fell wide open in shock. Insert your own casting-couch-in-New-York jokes here. They are so shocked, surprised, convinced that they are goners, whatever, and then Joan has to turn even more annoying. She says that the GLPPs are now convinced that their non-elimination is a sign from God that He wants them in the Race. Okay, Monday comes after Sunday. Does that mean that God wants me to work on Monday instead of Sunday? If I run out of marple syrup, does that mean that God wants me to eat my waffles with turpentine? If I run over a cat, does that mean that God wants the cat to die? If I rob a bank and get away with it, God must want me to be rich, right, so He approves of my lifestyle, right? And if I get caught, what does that mean then?

I have nothing against thanking God for what we receive in life. It is when two stupid models bungle up on the account of their vanity in a culmination of an unimpressive show of wussiness and ignorance and then claiming loudly to all and sundry that their lucky break means that God loves them enough to keep them in without any effort on their part to better themselves - that annoys me. And as we shall see next week, they haven't learned a single thing. Make the same freaking mistake, whine, and beg God for help. God help them, really.

Before YouTube, recapping music videos is totally a thing and not a waste of time. Really..

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