THE AMAZING RACE

Season 3 Episode 2: This Seems Like the Path Straight to Hell!

I take back what I call the Riker twins. No more Twin Twincest. They are now the Team Derek Zoolander's Dim-Witted Brothers. Believe it or not, I actually feel sorry for them both. I may snark at them for being dim-witted pansy boys, but they seem to bring out the outright bitter contempt from many of the other teams. Sure, they're beautiful to look at, and they probably speak better Spanish than the rest of the dimwits combined in this show, but to strike out at them just because they are pretty?

Let's take a rare moment to spare some compassion for Team Derek Zoolander's Dim-Witted Brothers or Team DZDB for short. And let's pass a memo to Mr Friend, Mr John Vito, and Mr Long Distance - at least DZDB don't pretend to be macho while looking like a centerfold porno spread. While John Vito has arms of steel, he's practically Vin Diesel's clone. There's something rather sad about the cluelessness of these people ragging on Team DZDB as "Abercrombie and Fitch gone wrong" when they themselves are walking Playgirl centerfolds.

Anyway, end of soapbox. Let's get back to merciless snarking. But yeah, you know what? I'm feeling rather compassionate towards Twin DZDB for now. They are the losers, and I have great empathy for underdogs.

In the last episode, Team Tubby Sibs took the fast forward and emerged first. They leaves at 10:36 am after opening their clue: they must find the Avenue of the Dead, climb up a twenty-story temple, and get the next clue.

Team Tool, Team Friends, and Team Long Distance form what seems like the Alliance of Dorks, and Mr Tool takes the lead. "Good work, team mates!" John Vito calls in the dorkiest, woodiest way ever. What. A. Dork. Great arms though. A gay friend confesses to me after watching episode one that he actually dreamed of those arms doing lurid and naughty things to his body. Move over Vin Diesel, we have John Vito! It's a toss up who has the worst gay porn star name though, Vin Diesel or John Vito. But at least John Vito can shorten his name to JV without getting humiliated in the process.

"Hopefully with four people working with a map, we can get there quicker."

In this case though, "working on a map" seems to basically means everyone letting the Tools take the lead. Needless to say, they drive around in circles. What do you expect when you let Dennis the Menace's slow-witted clone takes the lead? Finally, Mr Friend takes over the lead but it's too late.

Twin Crack Whores merrily overtakes them and reaches the temple just behind the Tubby Sibs. "The freaking girls are here," Mrs Tool barks when after five hours of frazzled driving around, the Alliance of Dorks finally stagger towards the Temple. Come on, Mrs Tool, surely you don't expect the Crack Whores to be as stupid as your Mr Tool now, do you?

Since the Temple opens at seven in the morning, everyone's who's there waits at the gates. The moment the gate opens, all run like sissified pansies except for John Vito who runs like a bum waiter who has seen his first casting couch and he's willing to pucker up and bend over now, so out of his way, woo-hoo!

Tubby Sibs crack a funny about Mrs John Vito running like a spider woman. Heh. Move next door to me, guys. We'll have a fabulous time, I promise.

Meanwhile, Team DZDB decides to take the fast forward. They look lost and desolate that they can't even do the tapping fist show of male-consolidarity thing right. Poor dears, with the rest of the teams united against them, hating them because they are beautiful and rich, maybe they will have a better time cleaning my house shirtless. I'll even offer free lemonade.

Meanwhile, Team MIA overslept. Also, apparently, in the last episode during the donkey or skydive detour, they cheated. A cop and a fireman cheating at the games after cutting lines and speeding and ignoring traffic lights. Dudes, you are so setting the PR of the LAPD and LAFD back all the way to McCarthy's Golden Era. Team MIA - the finest in LA's law enforcement and public safety... get the money, out of my way bitch!

They walk into a hotel, asking for directions to the Avenue, and since the camera doesn't show what happens in the hotel, we Giggles prefer to imagine that they hold the whole hotel up and steal thousands of pesos after getting directions and molesting the fat chambermaids. They beat the rest of the teams at the last legs: Team Rhino, Team Dad and Nelly, and Team Token.

May I point out how repulsive Nelly is? All wide teeth and slimy, cold reptilian eyes while having gangly limbs that stretch across what seems like forever? I wonder if Jerry Bonghammer deliberately searches for the ugliest, most stereotypical gay guys around for his show, because Nelly here looks like one of those ugly losers who are forever spying on the boys' locker room. His father is no better. With his equally slimy eyes and Foo Machu sleazy smarm, he looks like David Koresh's corpse warmed over. "I want to take this relationship to better heights. I'm so happy I'm doing this with my son." Eeeeeeeuuuuw!

Team Rhino cracks a funny. I really start to like them a lot. "So I go that way? And that way? And that way? Gra-zeee-as!" Heh.

Team DZDB's fast forward requires them to go to the Museum of Anthropology. There, they have to find the local daredevil dancers called the Voladores. There, they have to climb a 100-metre pole and do the impersonation of a carousel on crack.

"Deep breathing!" Dumber Zoolander tells his twin, Dumberer Zoolander.

What a pansy. "What a dork!" Mr Giggles remarks as he cringes in shame of his gender. I pat his hand assuringly, reminding him that he was so much stronger when we visited that gorge in Mongolia when we were younger and on his scientific travels-cum-vacation thing. He only clung to the wall and refused to move.

"I'm prettier than those dorks," hubby mutters, flexing his nonexistent power bicep.

I nod agreeably. Men. I'll understand them, I swear.

But I understand sexy thighs when I see them, and boy, Dumber and Dumberer Zoolander have some of the sexiest I've ever seen. Maybe we can hire them to crack walnuts this Christmas at our house.

At this point, the faster teams are on their way to the next stop - the TAPO bus station. TAPO must stand for Terrible Americans Pissed Off, because this season, everyone seems determined to hate every other team. In season one and most of season two, the teams are amicable and supportive. This season? I can't wait for John Vito to choke Mr Tool to death. Come on, it is bound to happen one day. Sexy power biceps at work while killing the miserable buffoon - sexy eye candy for the sake of mankind. What more can I ask for from good TV?

John Vito and Tubby Sibs are leading. Behind them is Team Tool, with Mrs Tool ragging on Mr Tool all the way. Somewhere in hell, Tarable and her evil consort Wail nod approvingly. But it doesn't matter who is first, because again, bunching occurs. The first bus leaves at ten. Tubby, John Vito, Friends, Tool, and Long Distance easily get tickets, while Crack Whores narrowly miss their places. They bat their skank sleaze mojo, though, to get on the bus, and again, my female bits shrivel in shame watching those two skank-o-opportunists.

My husband points out that no matter how tacky they are, they are acting tacky and getting ahead at the same time. Surely that counts? This is a game show, not a show of morals. "The one that looks like Alicia Silverstone seems to be the smarter one though, she seems to be doing all the talking and decision making," he says.

But they're still tacky.

"But not dumb like the two models."

The models are dumb but harmless. The Crack Whores just ooze skank from every pore on their bodies.

"They're Harvard students."

"Reese Witherspoon's character got into Harvard in Legally Blonde," I tell him.

"That's only a movie."

"This's only TV."

"Hey, commercial break's over. Ssssh."

"Alright, ssssh."

Back to the show.

Team MIA, too busy gloating over their lead over the rest of the teams at the back (this like gloating that even if you end up 97th place in the race, you still beat the three last teams, hee-hee-hee, sick), misses the bus. Serves them right. They, the Rhino, the Token, and Scary Dad and his Fugly Nelly Son take the second bus - which leaves at 1.30 pm, three and a half hours behind the first bus. Good luck guys. See you at the bottom of the barrel. Bwahahaha!

Worse, the second bus gets stuck in a car accident.

Hubby comments that the accident looks staged. "Jerry Bonghammer probably took some props from Pearl Harbor and lays waste to them here."

He may have a point.

What's hilarious is every team bitching that they're gonna be late. There's an accident, and people may be dead, but damn, they are going to be late. Da-yum! But Team Rhino is optimistic though. It's all about TNT, Ms Rhino tells me. "All we need is a spark and we'll blow the house down!" I really like this team. You go, gal!

Meanwhile, the first bus reaches its stop. Now teams must get a cab to the San Marino Marina, where the next clue awaits.

There, the teams have to take a detour - "manpower" or "horsepower". Manpower means the team will have to paddle a kayak into a lake to look for the clue somewhere floating on the water. It's a slow process, but the lake is small. "Horsepower" lets you use a waverunner (think a motorboat, only cooler), but you have to search a wider lake.

John Vito takes off his shirt. Phwoar!

One of the Tubby Sibs asks for "vest for fat guys". I crack up - can this team be any more adorable?

Team Long Distance chooses manpower, and so do the Crack Whores. Mrs Friends snarks that Team Long Distance always chooses the slow ones because Mrs Long Distance always asks Mr Long Distance to accommodate her. Mrs Friends has a point there. "The lagoon is so wide!" she adds. So's your gob. Good thing you're kinda amusing in a bad Jeaneane Garofalo wannabe way.

The Tools find the clue first and they're off. Mrs Tool gives Mr Tool hell for forgetting to help her out of the waverunner. Wail, in hell, covers his eyes with his fingers while Tarable cackles.

John Vito chooses manpower... and can't find the clue. Finally, they run back and do horsepower. They're the last of the batch.

The clue tells them all to take the ferry to Cazumel island. There they go. All of them easily board the first ferry.

The second bus finally arrives. Team DZDB staggers off first, wriggling their hands just like bisexual pansy male fashion designers played by Alan Cummings in campy movies. Hubby actually goes "Eck!" at the sight. It's really castrating the poor man, watching DZDB striking the blow on the machoman sororities everywhere.

"San... Marino... Marina!" Token in unison tell their cab driver. Hubby and I crack up. That's so cute, that scene.

All of them take waverunners, but poor Rhino! They keep falling off their waverunner. "I can walk faster!" Bro Rhino rages. But he adds, "But at least I get to pee." They really are so fecking funny, I love them, I really do!

Ma Token falls off too, but they're not funny at all. Hmmmph.

On to Cazumel, where the leading teams are now. Road block. One member will dive into a pool of water (and dolphins!) and find the clue at the bottom of the pool. John Vito lets his girlie does the swimsuit parade. Bastard. Mrs Long Distance asks her guy who can't swim to do it. Does this useless woman actually do anything at all, other than to slow her man down? Fecking hell, talk about useless baggages. ("I can't swim, but I can cook!" Mr Long Distance says. Man, you're just too good for your useless baggage companion, I tell you.) Mr Friend does the swimsuit parade. Not bad.

I curse the twins for taking the fast forward. We need shirtless Zoolander abs!

Tubby Sibs shirtless. Er, no thanks.

Later comes the teams lagging at the back. Nelly shirtless. Eeeuw!

To make things worse, Team Rhino actually misses the ferry that takes the rest of the remaining team to Cazumel. They're so dead.

Team DZDB is driving to the pit stop.

They're going to be first.

But they get lost.

On a long, long road to the middle of nowhere.

"They are so stupid!" my husband cries out as he laughs until his tears roll down his cheeks.

When I can stop laughing, we see the two twins bicker among themselves, and promptly clutch each other as another insane burst of hilarity escape us. It's like following Muppets trying to solve quantum physics equations, people. It's so stupid and hilarious, oh, oh, oh!

If they win the fast forward and end up last, just like the Guidos almost did in the first season, this may be the best TAR ever. Heh heh heh.

But they got in first. God does look after the idiots a bit more than He does the rest of the folks on Earth.

Meanwhile, from Cazumel it's a mad dash to the finishing line - the Diamante K bungalows where the DZDB are at now, walking out from the sea shirtless and all hard abs like Abercrombie and Fitch gone hardcore. Hubby gives a sound of squeamish disgust while I suddenly get the urge to grate some cheese on all those powerfully gratable abs on my TV screen.

Later, Team Friends get there. Second. They want to oust Team DZDB. "They don't deserve to win! We do!" Mr Friends declares. "They're like Abercrombie and Fitch gone wrong!" And you're a jealous, petulant, sexually-frustrated shrew who is just peeved that you can't steal Dumber Zoolander away from his true love Dumberer Zoolander, so shut up, you whiny twat. No one rips on my Zoolander boyos and gets away with it, except me, of course, so go suck on some sour bananas, you troll.

Third place is Crack Whores, fourth Tool. It is frightening how the Crack Whores are clawing their ways to the top.

Fifth are Tools, sixth the Tubbies, and seventh is John Vito.

MIA gets in eighth. They probably held up a cantina somewhere along the way.

Dad and Nelly is ninth. Is it me or is Nelly an earthworm with limbs?

Tenth is... Token? Or Rhino?

One of these teams will be last and hence eliminated.

Both teams are lost.

"No!" I scream when Token reaches the finishing line. "Not my Rhinos! Not my funny funny Rhinos!"

The Rhinos are last and they are eliminated. No! No, no, no!

Bro Rhino cracks a funny. Sis Rhino and he make me tear up a bit with their barely held tears and trying so hard to be upbeat. But when Sis Rhino says rather haltingly "This is Team TNT, signing out," I think we Giggles are not alone when we shut off the TV with a heavy heart.

They are only starting to come alive, and they are going to be the funny, likeable, and amazing team we will cheer along with the Sibs to the final leg. At least, that's what we want to happen in a perfect world.

Bye, Rhino. We hardly know you, but... oh damn, come back. Come back! Sob.

Before YouTube, recapping music videos is totally a thing and not a waste of time. Really..

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