THE AMAZING RACE

Season 3 Episode 10: Don't Try to Play the Moralist Now!

No! No! No! There goes my Matching Undies Wondertwins! Oh sob. Now where will I get my weekly sexy snark fodder? Damn. Yes, they get eliminated this week in a dastardly combination of Evil Yellow Flag Lines, that Flo who is becoming one effective Delilah to Drew the Blue's Samson, and just pure bad luck. One misstep is all you need to be eliminated, and alas, the Wondertwins learn that the hard way.

You know, Terror isn't so bad this episode. I bet it's just the calm before the storm.

I hate this show. I miss those sexy biceps already. First John Vito and now my Zoolander Twins. Next thing you know, Terror and Fiend will win the money, and then you will hear me screaming as they drag me to the loonybin asylum after I've tossed the TV out of my eighth story apartment window.

Anyway, last week the Twins came in first, so today, as Philo Koughie all in brown in his best attempt to look like a very thin oak tree in a very dry summer will explain. Today, they depart Mt Faber at 10:22 pm. They rip open the clue, while saying that everybody is gunning at them because they are young, fit, healthy, and everybody and their Mrs Giggles want a piece of that tight nice ass. The clue asks them to fly to Ho Chin Minh City, Vietnam, and look for the statue of Bac Ho (Ho Chin Minh to you and me) in the Rex Square. By the way, the flags will be yellow instead of red this time, because Vietnam's flag is red in color. We don't want Viet Congs running around the Race too, do we?

At 10:33 m, the Tubby Sibs leave. They want to win. Don't we all?

The Twins find a cab in the dead of night, but the cab is booked by the Sibs. "Are you Mr Ken?" the cab driver asks, and the Twins fumble - too late, now they can't lie, as our cab driver is alerted to the fact that there is no Mr Ken among them. Of course, the Twins can always say that hey, they are Mr Ken - I mean, look at them. Won't Ken be an appropriate name for at least one of them? But the cab driver refuses to play dirty, and our Zoolander Twins run down the streets trying to look for a cab.

"Run, Zach, run!" Yup, the Tools are released from their cages at last. Florrible Florrigan is at her usual high-pitched Ritalin Prima Donna act again. The Mumbler informs the camera that he is looking forward yo Florrible Florrigan never yelling at him again. Look out, Florrible, he's getting that Norman Bates look in his face. They meet the Zoolander Twins who are running around looking for a cab, and Florrible wails, "How did they get a cab?" as they see the Tubby Sibs's cab drive past.

The Zoolander Twins finally get a woman to call a cab for them. Why they can't do this at the Pit Stop, I don't know.

In their cab, the Tubbies borrow their cab driver's cell phone (I'm surprised - most Singaporean cab drivers won't even spit at you if you're on fire, because they are mean and stingy bastards that way - maybe the camera provides some added incentive) to call the people at Changi Airport to enquire about possible flights to Ho Chin Minh City. There are no flights tonight, they are told.

It's now 10:45 pm, and the Most Miserable Couple on Earth are off. Terror and Ian are again talking about their age. Newsflash: we don't like you not because you're old, but because the both of you are just plain horrible people. He begins waxing that he has fought in the Vietnam War, and Agent Orange falls down in the background as we all weep with him and all our hair fall off.

I'm sorry, I sound as if I'm talking about Survivor now, am I not? I've never this nasty before, but you have to forgive me in this: I'm never this upset about a team being eliminated since poor Shii Devil got the boot in Survivor.

Florrible Florrigan is still chasing a cab when the Twins' cab zooms past them. Drew the Blue wants to pull over, but Derek the Red stops him. He says that he must keep Drew focused - they are here to win the Race and this is just not the time for Drew to court the shrillest shrew on earth.

The Tokens get a cab mainly by luck.

Finally the Tools get a cab too, and they too borrow the phone from their cab driver. I hate these can drivers. Give them a fifty dollar note in the morning and they will call your mother a prostitute. Put them on TV and they will lend you their cell phone. Bastards, all of them! The Mumbler books a flight for both they and the Twins though. Awww. Of course, later Florrible Florrigan will screw the Twins over, but hey, that's tragic irony for you and me.

The Tokens call the airport too.

At the airport, the Tubby Sibs manage to catch the 11:30 pm flight to Kuala Lumpur, avoiding the closing gates at 11:10 pm by merely five minutes or so.

The Twins reach the airport and are standing just behind the Tubby Sibs when the Sibs get their ticket. They, however, have to wait for the 6:10 am flight to Kuala Lumpur. The Tokens find themselves on a 6:15 am flight, and grouse that the Brat Pack Alliance will crumble. If only they know how right they will be, thanks to that Foko Ono that is Florrible Florrigan.

You know what? I'll just call her Foko Ono from now on.

Anyway, Terror and Ian come off as mean and petty. As usual.

The Tubby Sibs are excited that the Twins aren't on board. They are starting to get on my nerves. The gloating, the increasingly mean-spirited barbs, and the way both men begin to look like the rat men that escaped Dr Moreau - what happened to my funny self-effecing Tubbies? I don't like this mean-spiritied duo.

Then again, I'm still annoyed by the Foko Ono Conspiracy that benefitted them in the end. I want them to lose now. Petty, me?

Anyway, Fiend does a strange jig on his way to the airport. He is more excited about Vietnam than I expected. Maybe he had fond memories of those army shower rooms involving him and some handsome GIs. Maybe.

The Tubby Sibs are now in Kuala Lumpur. They are so happy, and Fatty does a happy dance, jumping up and clicking his heels as he push his trolley along. When they ask the counter to check who will be on the morning flight to Ho Chin Minh City, however, they learn that all the other teams will be there too. "We're screwed."

When morning comes, the Tubby Sibs walk to the waiting area where Foko Ono grins. "Eggs-cellent," one Twin tells the other under his breath in Nosferatu Zoolander accent. Fiend's grin is pure evil.

When they get down to the customs line at the Ho Chin Minh airport, Foko Ono finds herself parted from the Mumbler. The Mumbler stands in the longest queue for passport clearence, and ignores Foko Ono's asking him to cut queue and stand with her. She seethes as every other team leave the queue. They reached the customs first, but they are the last to leave.

The remaining teams dive into their cabs and they're off to look for the statue of Bac Ho.

In their cab, Foko Ono is carping on the Mumbler. She's pure comedy. "I don't work all day and all night to be screwed by doing something so stupid," she says. Yup, she uses the word I, believe it or not. "We should be in front." She goes on to rip at him for not jumping queue, et cetera, and he tells her in that monotonous voice people use again and again on people who just cannot listen that he doesn't believe that cutting queues will do much good and besides, this small delay won't hurt. Flo screeches that they can be last now for all they know and - you know what? I can't do this. Let's move on. I think Foko Ono has broken all my tolerance limits for banshee antics for one day.

Fiend is going on a nostalgia trip again in the cab.

The Twins find the statue and the clue first. They must travel to the Mekong Delta and find the village of Cai Be. Cai Be has a famous floating market. Now off they go again. The other teams are on their tail. The Tubby Sibs offer an extra forty five and the smiling creepy cab driver nods and picks up speed. The Twins' cab driver is on the phone and he drives slower than roadkill snails, but they manage to do a stupid head-to-head race with the Tokens. "This is what I call racing in Vietnam!" Fiend says, and this is after he has reminisced about how 58,000 Americans died here for America, that was said, but it was over (his words, not mine).

Meanwhile, Foko Ono is weeping in her cab as the Mumbler is ignoring her and she sees this as a sign that he is not taking her seriously. I have to bite my tongue here, really, before I say something really rude to the TV. He is responding to her in monosyllables, suggesting that he no longer cares whether he wins or loses, he just wants to be away from this psycho woman.

Alright, who kidnapped The Amazing Race and switched it with The Amazing Soap Opera?

The Tubby Sibs, thanks to their super creepy but efficient cab driver, reach the market area first. There, they learn that they have to do a detour. "Easy buy" will require the team to look for one particular water coconut trader among the many in the market and buys one from him or her. "Hard buy" requires the team to sell 40,000 dong (that's the currency of Vietnam, nothing to do with male prostitution, so don't get too excited, people) worth of fruits. A scary looking Crouching Tigress Hidden Fruitseller lady will hand you the clue once she has made sure that you made really 40,000 dongs while she sips water from a cup in her other free hand.

They choose Easy Buy. The Twins and the Tokens coming up next also go down this detour. The traders cheer when they see the Tubby Sibs approaching ("Stoopid Americans coming! We sell expensive! They buy! Stoopid Americans!"), but they become less enthusiastic when it is clear that these men are just looking for one and just one water coconut.

Then it begins to rain heavily. The traders begin covering their wares with blankets or cloth, making it even harder for the Racers to see where to go. The Sibs give up and decide to run back to do the other detour, Hard Sell.

As they pass the other two teams, they make it sound as if they are heading for the Pit Stop already. See what I mean? Those two are starting to come off like those irritating pipsqueaks who make the most tedious noise in the classroom. The Frat Bastards are cool and efficient. The Cha-Cha-Chas are cool and smart. The Tubby Sibs are starting to come off like poor cheap imititation of the season's designated comic material.

The Tools are at this point reading the detour instructions. They argue over what to do, as usual, culminating in Foko Ono saying "This is so f**ked up". Tell me about it, really.

So we see those two Hard Sell teams begging people to buy and give them dongs.

It is raining and both Tokens and the Twins are wet. Mmmm, wet Twins. And thank you, Terror, for wearing a bra. I don't need a second glimpse of those headlights anymore. Finally, Fiend spots the correct trader, and the Twins follow.

Crouching Tigress Hidden Fruitseller then gives them their clue. In the meantime, the Tubby Sibs have completed their assignment (selling their fruits at bulk price of 10,000 dongs per basket), while the Tools are short of a few dongs and sell their fruits one piece a time. No, Mumbler, that's not a slur on you. I'm sure you have a vibrator hidden in that hair of yours. You have all the dongs you need, I'm sure.

Fiend is shouting for a taxi at the top of his voice. The Twins get a cab. The Sibs are off next - "First at detour, third to leave" - while Foko Ono and the Mumbler are still arguing over their missing dongs.

"Why are you leaving me?" she yells at the Mumbler. The Mumbler's face when he tells her sharply, "I thought you were following me" suggests that psychopathic notions aren't too far away from his mind.

Terror and Ian find the next clue after driving back to Ho Chin Minh City. A roadblock. One of them must cycle on a cyclon and carry the other person across the Mekong via a ferry. They have no problem doing that. Fiend talks about how lovely it is here and how Americans and Vietnamese have moved on after the war, et cetera. He's very nice and charming this episode. I hope they are not editing this team nicely as some last moment redemption thing because the team eventually wins the race. They even win a cruise. Gah.

The Tubby Sibs are stuck in traffic. Oops.

The Twins reach the clue second, but distracted by a long line of yellow flags, they quickly follow it - in the wrong direction.

The Sibs also proceed to do the same, even meeting later at a dead end pier side to stare helplessly at each other.

The Tools arrive last, sees the clue stand, and does the detour, no problem. Who says there is fairness in the world? The Sibs encounter the Tools on the ferry, and they are about to climb on when Foko Ono sees them. She just wants them off the ferry, she tells me, so she and the Mumbler yell at the Sibs to go back, thoughtfully providing directions to the clue stand as well! The Sibs don't tell the Twins, naturally, as this is a race and it's not a democracy.

The Tools are second, the Sibs are third. The Twins actually make their way to the Pit Stop, where they learn that they have yet to finish their road block. Poor guys. They dash back anyway to finish it - Foko Ono thoughtfully yelling directions only now - and they finish it in the end, good sports to the bitter end, only to be eliminated.

I hate Foko Ono. I hate the Tokens. I'm rooting for the Sibs, but not as intensely as before. Those guys are really pushing it with their lame attempts to mislead other teams. Still, all three teams don't really have much head start on the other. Next week - the grand ending, people! - will be really brutal. I can't wait. I'll see all of you there, won't I?

In the meantime, I'm going to miss those Twins. They're strong, they're not as dumb as we all thought they would be, but it's just the way of the Race - you screw up once, you lose. In the meantime, let's see if Fiend stays sober enough for the finishing line, whether Foko Ono will pay for her sins, and whether the Sibs can pull off one more lucky trick out of their hat to avoid losing (judging from next week's spoilers, they won't, and karma will bite them - hard). Thing is... sigh. This episode is so depressing. Despite everything, the Sibs really don't want to screw the Twins - it shows. Another heavy sigh and a group hug, everybody. It's hard to watch when one's favorite team gets kicked out of the Race.

Before YouTube, recapping music videos is totally a thing and not a waste of time. Really..

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