THE AMAZING RACE

Season 3 Episode 5: What Happens If I Slip? Am I Just Hanging on a Cliff?

Hello, Mr Token? It's me, Mrs Giggles, and I am asking you to SHUT THE FORK UP. And Aaron AKA Mr Hydra AKA Aasshole? You are such a whiny baby, I'm sure even senile dogs will pee at your shoes if they ever come across you on the streets.

Another lovely leg of the best reality show ever, The Amazing Race 3. Why aren't you Americans watching this show more? Why are you all letting that crapfest The Bachelor trounce this fabulous show in the ratings? Rectify the mistake, people, go watch this show now and enjoy the fabulous race to the glorious end.

Provided the Hydras don't win this thing, because if they do, I'm gonna watch The Bachelor myself, even if I have to overdose on my own bile, and boycott the next season of the Race.

The show kicks off at our last Pit Stop, an old fortress in Lisbon, Portugal. Don't worry if you missed the last episode, for Philo Koughie thoughtfully fills you in, this time he is wearing his khaki safari shirt so you can't see those Manboobs That Ate Godzilla. First is the Tubby Sibs, so they're the first off. Not that they have much of a headstart - the time separating the first and the last team is only around forty minutes, so the Hydras will be catching up if the Sibs aren't careful.

They rip open the first clue, and look, they must head over to the "westernmost point of the continent". Where the heck is it? The sibs quickly spread open their map and realize it's Cabo Da Roca the clue is talking about. I've been there, by the way, and they have nice lighthouses there. Anyway, it's just a 22 mile trip from Lisbon.

The Tools are the next to leave. Mrs Tool says that Mr Tool is dealing with her emotions better. As we shall soon see, he indeed has learned to deal with her - he practically ignores her, heh heh heh. Incidentally, he's Zack and she's Flo (actually her real name is Florinka Pesenti, by the way, and that's Pesenti, not Pissant, and I guess she has a good reason to be whiny and angry all the time) and you put the two together to get FloZack, Prozac's more lethal stepcousin pill.

Looks like the Zoolander "Batteries and Clothes Optional for these Ken Dolls" Dimbulbs and the Tubby "Tweedledum and Tweedledee Only Wish They're This Cute" Sibs seem to have rebonded and the Sibs Alliance are as strong as ever. But lookee here, here comes MIA, the bloody morons that they are, to stick to the Sibs Alliance because they admit they have no idea what to do. Hey, assholes, this is The Amazing Race, not Super Masters Do, Monkeys Follow, so get lost, get lost! But they offer to pay money, and the Sibs Alliance bite the bait. Sigh. And they call themselves Team 911 - how nice, overdose on patriotism on a freaking reality TV show and act like parasites while cruising on a tragedy? Team MIA, tools of the universe, and oh yeah, they're rather stupid too. More stupid that the Zoolander Dimbulbs. In fact, I don't think the Zoolander Dimbulbs are stupid anymore. They're just slow and zen-like calm, I'm willing to take up naked tao classes with them if they ever conduct a course like that.

Team Tool asks a helpful shopkeeper for directions.

The Zoolander Dimbulbs are in soccer shirts and shades today. I think it rains testosterone in Portugal that entire week.

Mr Token can't wait to open his big mouth to push the missus along. I tell you, if he's my husband, he'll be eating from the garbage can by now. Missus is too slow. Missus' bag is unzipped. "Then zip it!" Missus finally snaps, too bad she doesn't mean his mouth... does she?

Jill John Vito is talking about how supportive her man John Vito is. Uh, nice, but that's all she's been talking non-stop since episode one. Can we talk about something else? Is it true that your bra is also a cannabis warehouse?

The Tools take a train. Mr Tool doesn't feel good about his decision. Me neither.

Mr Hunk is next to start the race. He asks a nice woman sitting in the park for directions.

Hydra finally gets moving. Whinewhinewhinewhine. The remote control mute button is put to good use.

Mr Token is yelling at his wife again, because the wife isn't fast enough. What a condescending asshole. "When I say we fly, we need to fly." Yeah? When you say that to me, your ass' the one thing that will be flying, fool. Argh, listening to him is making the Mrs T in me coming forth to give a powerful Valkyrie "Castrate, castrate, castrate!" warcry. The Tokens also take the same train as the Tools.

Mr Hydra, Aaron the Aasshat Aasshole, hopes that someone will take a train and be slow. The Hydras get a direct cab by the way, as do John Vito. John Vito's cab and the Tubby Sibs' cab stop side by side in traffic, and John Vito calls to the Sibs, "Where are you going?" The sibs answer, "Can't tell you" but too bad, John Vito's cab driver, after talking to the Sibs' cabdriver, knows the answer. John Vito's cabdriver also knows a short cut. Ouch! Don't mess with cab drivers, people. They rule the streets.

Hydra reaches the next clue first. Damn! Damn them all! They are followed closely by John Vito. Jill John Vito trips, and her guy is all about the concern. Aaw. Meanwhile, the Tokens and the Tools are on their way too. The Tubby Sibs, the Zoolander Dimbulbs, and the MIA, however, seem to be taking a long way via a train and another cab, and they reach the clue last.

The clue requires a detour to reach the next clue. The next clue is located down the 300-feet high cliff, right down there by the beach, and teams can choose to either do "Ropes" - rapple all the way down, woo-hoo! - or "Slopes" - a long hike down. (Someone at TAR has been brushing up on the rhyming, I see, tell me, what rhymes with "lame"?) Everybody rapples, except when the delightfully named Florinka Pissantcheese or something like that experiences a meltdown of delightful proportions.

The male Hydra, always a camera whore, tells his beard, "I love you." Only he, yeah, and they both are so Will And Grace, the Lamer And Near Cancellation Years.

"Are you crazy?" Mrs Florinka Tool screams.

Hey, I didn't name you Florinka. Don't look at me, Florinka.

"What happens if I slip?" she continues. Well, Hell will spit you back up, because even Satan isn't that strong enough to endure your wailings. "Am I just hanging on a cliff?" If you mean the cliff of your sanity, well, yeah, I'd say so. Don't hold too hard, Florinka Pissycheesecakes, don't fight it, let the oblivion beckons...

Mr Tool, in case you're wondering, the Man whom Florinka Toolcheesypissycakes here has pegged as Mr Long Term, is staying far, far away, muttering "We're screwed" under his breath.

Surprisingly, it's Hunk, his noble, stubbled knight in hunka-lunka codpiece-burstin' shining armor, that comes to Florinka Hystericana's rescue. He really is good at being sweet and comforting, and I tell you, I actually melt a little as he tells Flo-Moan here that he will be going down beside her, don't look down, et cetera. He could have just pass her and go down, but he's such a charmer.

Mr Hydra has problems. Naturally, the camera whore tells the camera that he has problems getting down. I volunteer to cut the rope and help him plummet down at top speed. Can I, Bonghammer? When he's splatted on the ground, I'd happily dance on him too.

John Vito sails down, smoothly. His gal follows. "It's too slow!" she calls, and later, "This is so exciting!" She dresses up to look like Britney Spears circa the Schoolgirl Whore Years, but you know what, she's really capable and cool.

"Is this a joke? This is a joke!" Floored-by-Terror Pissandlove screams.

She is just hanging over the top edge of the cliff, by the way.

Finally, Mr Hunk hauls her back up, and Mr Tool sheepishly joins her to do the Slopes. It's a long walk down, baby.

Hydras reach the bottom first. The ground, I mean. They have reached the bottom in every other sense long ago. The newest clue tells them to drive 250 miles to Algeciras, Spain. From there, they must take a ferry to Tangiers, Morocco.

Meanwhile, other teams are still doing the rapples. Quote of the day? "Just pretend there's a dozen glazed donuts at the bottom!" Yup, the Tubby Sibs make me love them more day by day.

Token is ranting on his wife again. Shut up, fool!

Dead Weight goes down while Hunk at the bottom watches in concern. "It was fun," she says when she reaches the ground. Hey, there may be hope in you yet, lady. And Hunk, I notice, is always rushing to see her safe on the ground. Seriously, this guy is so adorable.

Missus Token reaches the ground after yelling at her sadass husband to stop chanting her name (for the world will forever be grateful to her for). She is hysterically happy. She must lead a very boring life back home. Maybe she should start a website or something.

Now, every team is gunning the road to Algeciras. It's a long drive, and the Hydras are gloating that they are the first. John Vito is behind, so is Hunk and Dead Weight. It's a long drive, and they decide to top up the fuel in their vehicles.

I don't know about anybody else, but even I, not exactly a worldy pro, knows that shows like TAR will cut down cost and use cheapass vehicles from third world places that will use diesel as opposed to gasoline. And look, there it is, in bright red sign on the vehicle, "Diesel." D-I-E-S-E-L. Diesel, people. Together now, Hydras, Hunk and Dead Weight, Tokens, and Tools: diesel.

Only John Vito and MIA escape unscatched. They know how to read.

So yeah. Hydras break down. Tools break down. Tokens break down. Hunk and Dead Weight break down.

Uh, yeah, Aaron Aasshat Aasshole, who is first again?

Bwahahahahahahaha!

Life, people, is really good. There is really karmic justice in this world, and karma is sitting on the Hydras' faces and giving them a big gas in the up-close. Hahahahahaha! I love this show, I really do.

"There's no brake!" Male Hydra is close to being hysterical.

"I love this show," hubby says in between bouts of mirth.

Did I mention that life is wonderful?

Mrs Token: "Did we put in the wrong fuel?"

Mr Hydra: "That's it. That's it. I wanna go home." What a kitty. Gloating like a smirk smurf when he's at the top and then whining like a pansy when he's at the bottom? Bloody hell, can this man be any more of a pathetic, snivelling fool? Get lost. Get eliminated. Just get out of my sight and hearing.

And now he is sitting by the roadside and weeping. Pathetic.

The Sibs drive past them.

The Twins drive past them, to the whoops of joy from us Giggles as we do a high-five between ourselves. This, people, is Justice. Also, let me take this opportunity to point out that the Twins never gloat, snark, or bitch when they see the pathetic Hydras stranded by the roadside. Boys, you really are cool and classy. When is the naked tao classes starting again?

And did anyone notice that the sign beside the Hydras say "Next Exit, 69km"? Snerk.

The Annoying, Bitter, Crapmeister Mr Token, though, deserves some credit for walking back to the gas station to get a siphon and do some CPR on his vehicle. But he leaves a whole trail of diesel on the streets, I have to wince. Tools go back to a gas station, and a helpful mechanic decides to truck the vehicle back to the workshop and fix it for them. Good Samaritans are also the biggest fools at times, I tell you.

Mr Hunk is angry. I'm surprised at how good Dead Weight is at placating him. You know, in the context of the race, she's useless, but I'm starting to see how good she can be to him in context of a real life relationship. When she's not stressed out by physical exertions she cannot handle, she seems to be very good at being Mom and Girlfriend all at once.

Male Hydra, in between tears, "I'm so humiliated right now!"

You? What about me?

John Vito and MIA are at the ferry stop, waiting for the first ferry to leave at seven in the morning. "Hey hey hey," Jill John Vito says to MIA, "what's the word?" Er, "shut up"? Or is that two words?

Tools' vehicle is working again. Florinka Peaceandcreamcakes, visibly whining and moping only minutes before, is now laughing and smiley, like a complete nutcase. I can see why Mr Tool and Mrs Hydra hook up after the show (if rumors are true). Mrs Hydra looks bored and fed up herself as she stands beside a weepy, whining Mr Hydra, even the Tool must look good to her, and vice versa with Mrs Tool, Mr Tool, and Mrs Hydra. (By the way, Florinka and Drew Riker, the bachelor and hunkier one of the Twins, are currently rumored to be an item as I write this. She's moving in with him. Yes, I want to cry. Anybody joining me in the 'Why, Drew, Whyyyyyy?' corner?)

Hunk and Dead Weight decide to check in at a hotel and calls a mechanic in the morning. They're so gone, people.

A cop stops by and helps the Hydras. Spanish cops are evil, and now we have proof.

Meanwhile, John Vito, MIA, and the Sibs Alliance have no problem getting the first ferry to Tangiers. Wee! The Tools and the Tokens grab the next ferry an hour after the first ferry, with Mr Token still haranguing the wife for all sorts of nonsense all the way to the counter wife. That man is an Ass with a capital A. Why is that wife taking it all instead of giving him the Fingers Up Your Nostrils treatment? If the Tokens' kids are watching their parents, maybe it's time to chip in for some emotional taichi classes for Daddy. Not the twins' naked tao class, though, I don't need that ass Token distracting my concentration when I'm doing my Naked Tao thing with the Twins.

At the ferry stop, teams will have to find a travel agency called Viajes Flandria. They have to get seats in a charter bus, but here's the catch: each bus leaves an hour apart, and one bus can fit only three teams. The first team sees John Vito, Zoolander Twins, Tubby Sibs, and MIA dashing for cabs. One team will have to sit back and watch as the second batch, Tokens and Tools, catch up with them. Life can be so cruel when you're an Amazing Racer.

Again, it all depends on the luck of the cab drivers. The Twins get the first seat - well, I'll be inspired to drive faster too if Drew Riker flashes me that smile or if they both change their tops, Female Hydra in Episode 2 style, in the backseat. MIA and the Tubby Sibs get the next seats, leaving poor John Vito to watch as Token and Tools catch up with them an hour later. Poor JV, they're good players, but luck, until now, is never on their side. Maybe next time, folks - you deserve to be ahead in the pack, unlike some twits *coughMIAcough* I wouldn't mention.

By the way, at this point, Hunk and Dead Weight are having a great breakfast at the hotel. And only now do they start driving to the ferry depot, when everybody else is racing towards Tangiers. Uhm, yeah, see you two on the way out, guys.

Hydras miss the third ferry, believe it or not. Hahahahaha!

"This is the bitter team. We went from happy and excited to bitter and jaded in one day," the male Hydra whines.

Well, too bad. I went from being bitter and jaded to the new Advocator of Peace And Love in one day. Coincidence? Lose and get eliminated, Hydras, bwahahahaha!

Dead Weight is making sweet sounds and comforting Hunk as they drive to their elimination. They're actually pretty cute.

In the ancient Faz marketplace in Tangiers, the first batch encounter a road block. One member of each team must wander through the maze of a street network to find a tannery. There, they must wade their arms through smelly, stinking vats of die. Three of the many vats contain the next clue that will lead them to the Pit Stop of this leg of the race. No funnies, no BS, everybody's all business today. Token Sibs find the clue first, MIA next ("Bingo! Bingo!"), and the Twins race after the other two to the Pit Stop - Borj Nord, another old fortress.

The Tubby Sibs are first, followed by MIA and the Twins. No bunching today, fabulous, so it's a really fair lead all the way. I like that. John Vito and the Tools are tied, and the Tokens are the next to reach the Pit Stop. Finally, it's the Hydras straggling in, the losers that they are.

But Evil is on their side today - again - as Hunk and Dead Weight finally walk in hours after the Hydra. Bye, guys. Dead Weight is going to move to San Diego to be closer to the Hunk after this game, and you know what? Best wishes to them. They're lousy racers, and they really are dumb to give up when their vehicle breaks down, but they can be so sweet together, I wish them all the luck. But really, damn them! Damn them for letting the Hydras remain in the race!

Next week, the Hydras better not have the luck of the Evil on their side. Wait, there's no next week. The next episodes come only two weeks from now. Dang!

Anyway, this is another jolly good one. Can The Bachelor, and watch this baby, people. See you people in two week's time. In the meantime, I'm stacking up on Hydra voodoo dolls.

Before YouTube, recapping music videos is totally a thing and not a waste of time. Really..

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