SURVIVOR

Vanuatu Episode 12: Now Who's in Charge Here?

Previously, I went and bought a few CDs. Fantasia's CD is okay, nothing to shout about but Baby Mama rocks! Kylie Minogue, when she's not playing an angel to witness the birth of baby Jesus to David Beckham and Posh Spice in Madame Taussad's, collaborated with the Scissor Sisters and the result is subliminal heaven. Speaking of Jesus, why aren't the Church angry when Jim Caviezel is playing Jesus in some overrated movie? What do they have against David Beckham? What, you want me talk about this show? Oh okay, Leann was booted. Ami is booted by the end of this episode. With her gone, there is nobody worth watching this show for anymore.

Now, on with the show.

Night, day thirty, back from the Tribal Council. Ami tries to do that "calm but bitter" act as she compliments the people that ousted Leann. Twila says that she's just feeling sorry for the "little guy" which has Ami correcting her by telling Twila that Twila wanted to save "her" little guy. Twila snorts gleefully and says that yes, she has screwed Ami. Oh, Twila. It is one thing to stab people in the back but is it wise to do it in a manner that makes the stabbed twerp even more enraged? Ami will be in the Jury. Assuming that Leann, Elazya, and Julie will join her there, Ami will be controlling who she wants the money to go to. Shouldn't Twila be a little, er, more cunning in disgusing her emotions?

Ami insists that she's not screwed because she's still in the game. Chris the Slug gloats to the camera that he is living with five "wildcats". Since this must be closest he has ever been to five women in heat, he should count his blessings. The ego of Man is resting on his shoulders, he has a lot to do. Twila accuses Ami of keeping Elazya around just to suit Ami's purposes. She's right. Ami accuses Twila of keeping Elazya only when it suits Twila's purposes. She's right. Elazya cuts in, saying that at least Twila saved Elazya's ass earlier tonight. She's right also, partly, because Ami is right in that Twila saved Elazya just to use Elazya as a vote against Ami and her allies. Elazya's middle name is Pawn on this show. As Ami tries to explain to Elazya how she has protected Elazya all along - which she is right, until that part where she voted for Elazya to leave earlier that night, that is - Twila happily says that yeah, she saved Elazya tonight so you know what? Boo-yah to Ami.

And that's where Twila is wrong. Because when Twila is in the Final Two with, say, anybody else except Scout, Ami, Julie, Leann, and Elazya will say boo-yah back to Twila and give the money to Anyone Else But Scout. I have nothing against Twila for sticking it to Ami, but gloating and acting so openly smug are worse than counting chickens before they are hatched. This game doesn't end with the booted person leaving the tribe for the Loser Lodge. In the end, Twila, like everyone else, is dependent on the Jury if she wants the million dollars. Twila should know that but she doesn't. So she's wrong, so so wrong.

Ami is upset at Twila because Twila lied after swearing on the name of her son to be true to Ami. I don't know about that one. When I'm mad at people for lying at me, I don't make excuses as to why I should be angry at that liar. I just get mad. And hopefully, get even. I guess Ami must be a better person than me because she's unhappy only with liars that swear on their son's names, not with liars in general. Just when Scout could have quietly sit back and let Twila take the fall in Ami's eyes, that woman has to let her inner bitch take over and tell Ami to back off from Twila. That's my problem with Twila and Scout: I don't mind that they lie or they betray other people, because this is what the show is all about, but egads, they are so hypocritical, trying to pass themselves off as better than the usual backstabbing lot when, in fact, they are all bile and venom inside.

Ami keeps going in a confessional about how she has lost all respect for Twila, which I'm sure will plague Twila with guilt for the rest of the woman's life.

Twila finally has had enough and tells Ami that Twila did what she had to do because Ami was cocky. And not because Twila wanted the money or something. See what I mean? These people, all of them, are trying to pass themselves off as people above that backstabbing stuff that they cling to flimsy reasons to justify their actions. What, a million dollars is not good enough a reason? Ami allows that she has been cocky but insists that she has been cocky but that was because she believed that she could trust some people around here. What does that mean? It's okay to be cocky because you can take people for granted? Oh, my head hurts.

Alone, Twila shares a moment of peace with the camera. "We've overthrown the queen and the little princess! People like that just piss me off because they think they're so much freaking better than everybody else!" she says. Twila always has problems with people because they are always thinking that they are better than her, I notice. She says that she, Chris the Slug, Elazya, and Scout have all the power now, she loves that, and my, she thinks she has such a "great mind". Wow, this is fast. It only takes this long before Twila turns into a megalomaniac.

Back at camp, Scout is telling Ami that Ami is too cocky. Pot, kettle, the usual. What are Scout and Twila doing, honestly? The game isn't over yet and here they are, gloating and lording it over Ami like they have the million dollars already in their pockets. This is ridiculous. Chris the Slug and Elazya are the only smart ones here, keeping quiet. (Julie, of course, has to keep quiet or else.) Don't Scout and Twila know what they are doing? They are burning their bridges with the people they are putting on the Jury. They are giving Ami and her allies, whom they are now systematically putting on the Jury, many reasons not to give them the money.

Ami says she's now more determined to win than ever. So she won't because this show will never show her say such if she ends up escaping the boot at the end of the episode. The editing, as I've mentioned again and again, has become predictable beyond belief.

And with that, it's a fond goodnight to the Atloonteans.

Morning, day thirty-one. Twila gets down and dirty with the tree-mail and realizes that the mail today comes with a water jug thingie. It occurs to me that in Twila, Burnetto has found the right person for whom the badly-worded juvenile poetry in the tree-mail is tailor-made for. Stay in school, kiddies. Education is very important. Since the tree-mail talks about showers and a "game-changing reward" (the winner will get to manipulate a missile to bomb the rest straight to hell, perhaps?), Twila seems to assume that food will be involved. She hopes that Elazya wins the reward because apparently Elazya is becoming too thin. The camera cuts to Elazya "playfully" showing off the painful bones in her emaciated form. Yeah, so she's now a skeleton, bar a few pounds of fat here and there. My question is, is Elazya finally happy now or does she still think she's too fat? Twila has a nickname for Elazya - "Olive Oyl". Ho ho, what a witty woman! And here I am, thinking that this lot is a humorless bunch of sour lemons. What will I do without Twila on this show?

The "game-changing" reward turns out to be a white Pontiac G6. In a way, this does change the game because the winner of That Car Thing in every season has never won the show before. But to sweeten the deal to coax one of these suckers to actually win that thing, Probby offers an overnight visit to some resort for the winner along with the runner-up and second runner-up for food, shower, and bed. Probby even shows the Atloonteans what he claims to be the actual food on the menu of that place. Let's just say it involves plenty of meat, bread, soup, and other kind of food always offered as a reward in this show. Of course, alcohol is abundant too. You can't get too drunk on this show.

The Atloonteans will be expected to run across a series of balance beams and obstacles and then dive down into the sea to retrieve their corresponding colored flag. They will then run back along the obstacle course to the beach where they will stick their flag onto their pole ("Ouch," says Brady). The first person to retrieve three flags this way will win the "Let's Prove Once Again How Useless Scout Is" challenge, get the car, and lose the game. Ready, Atloonteans? Let Jeff "An Arm In Smarm" Proboscis gives the signal and... go!

Oops, Scout takes a tumble. Ami is leading at first but she deliberately falls back later on, allowing Elazya to overtake her and get that car. Yay, the dimwit wins the car and stuff, woo-hoo! Unfortunately, Julie and Chris go head to head for third place when Julie can't get enough breath and Chris beats her to the third flag. How sad for her and Ami. Getting Elazya alone in that resort may very well save them but I guess it's not meant to be. This season, after all, is destined to suck beyond description.

The happy winners take off in that car to that resort. Hmm, I don't remember ever learning the name of that place. The resort must be unwilling to attach itself to a show of this lowly calibre. Elazya talks about how she is unable to believe that she has won that car, everyone ooh-aahs at the place and the food and the room and what-not, Chris calls the women "bitches" because they don't leave him any hot water when it's his turn to shower, and that's how this show fills up ten minutes of screentime. Meanwhile, Ami and Elazya talk while Chris is doing whatever he is doing in the shower. Ami tries to blame Scout and Twila for her "nastiness" to Elazya after she apologizes to Elazya for writing Elazya's name down in the last Tribal Council. Elazya seems to be buying that line, observing that Scout is nice to her only when the bile bag wants to use her. Then Chris is done in the shower - talk about fast - and conversation between the women abruptly shifts to more mundane topics like the sun, the weather, and the hurricane that is long overdue in hitting the place and sweeping all of them into the sea.

Back at Camp Atloontea, the two bile bags for some reason believe that I care about their woes. Or more specifically, Scout goes on and on about how six years ago she could have beaten everyone here in challenges but now she can't balance, run, walk, jump, or sit on a pot so she is bitter, bitter, bitter. If green can be trademarked she'd do so in a heartbeat and sell envy in bottles at where cheap liquors are sold everywhere. Why doesn't she cut off the other leg and see if she can wring more pity from that action? Her whining doesn't cut it, not when she has proven herself to be nothing but a bitter, hypocritical, sanctimonious vile bile bag.

Ignoring Julie, Twila and Scout discuss whether Ami is doing anything funny with Elazya. Ooh, get your mind out of the gutter because the two bile bags aren't talking about that kind of funny. Twila comes to a conclusion that Elazya will stick with them and Scout voices her relief that Chris the Slug is with the two women out there somewhere so Ami won't have much chance to pull anything with Elazya.

Or will she? At the mysterious unidentified resort, the three people in question are digging into their meals like barbarians at McDonald's after a three-week failed attempt at the Atkins diet. Ami starts singing, earning her more irrational hatred from her detractors, many of whom really don't need to be foaming any more rabidly than they already are on the online scene. After all, this is only a TV show and sometimes it doesn't do to start rabidly calling Ami all sorts of names and calling her classless in pages and pages of incoherent rantings on message boards and what-not, but I've learned long ago that many people who watch reality TV shows can often lose their perspective and identify too much with the contestants. Anyway, back to Ami, she tries to convince the other two that Twila and Scout are tight and the two bile bags have to be broken up. She's probably hoping that Elazya and Chris will do to Scout and Twila what they have learned to do to Ami and Leann. Nah, I don't buy that either.

When Ami takes her leave to, er, go to the washroom, I guess, Chris works on Elazya to stay with the Vile Bile Bag Alliance. To the camera, Chris says that Ami is full of "s**t" and wonders whether Ami thinks he is that dumb. In hindsight, I'd say yes and then some more. Elazya, wavering, starts telling Chris that maybe it is a good idea to break up Twila and Scout but he shushes her up. He points out to Elazya that it is better to be against a "sixty-year old woman and Twila" than against Ami when it comes to winning the Final Immunity Challenge. While I'd say that he is way too kind when it comes to his description of Scout, may I remind him of a little turd named Jonny Fairplay. Once upon a time, he spent a long time insulting women only to lose the Final Immunity in a most humiliating manner to Scoutmarm Lil. If the Final Immunity Challenge of the last few seasons are anything to go by, this one would be yet another Challenge where people just stand there and do nothing. And Scout may very well be damn good at standing and doing nothing. Who knows?

Later that evening, Chris snores while Ami and Elazya talk some more. Ami tries to guilt trip Elazya but telling the woman that Ami has protected her "fifty million times" in this game so Elazya shouldn't support the two bile bags without reserve like she seems to be doing at that moment. Elazya, always the pushover, tells the camera that Ami is right and Ami is like a big sister to her. To Ami, she tells that woman she feels awful that things have to come to this. Ami tells her not to be (which, of course, is the kind of thing people say when they want the other person to feel even worse than before!) and decides to end the discussion so that they can all go to sleep without too much negative feelings plaguing their minds. As she tells Elazya, she doesn't expect any miracle from her.

Morning, day thirty-two. Ami, Chris, and Elazya are back and everyone hug, the winners pretending to be happy to be back at camp and the losers pretending to be gracious. Julie says to the camera that it's nice that Chris has bathed and hence smells nice for a change. Scout is extra nice to Elazya, even smelling her hair, just like Snow White's evil stepmother smiling so sweetly as she offers Elazya a bite of the apple. Twila says to the camera that it should be obvious that Ami has tried working on Elazya so she's concerned about things that can happen that may backfire on her and Scout.

Scout says that she wants to collect wood. Since Elazya and Ami are plucking each other's eyebrows (seriously) and Julie has to keep an eye on whatever it is they are boiling in the pot, the three women can't help so Scout has to collect wood on her own. I'm sure Scout will be alright out there. There are not many potholes and wild animals out there that dare approach the stepmother from hell that is Scout. Scout says that it is annoying that there are women who shirk from responsibilities around the camp (translation: nobody gets up and does her bidding when she passive-aggressively "suggests" that "she is going to get wood" - come on, I'm sure she is actually expecting the women to jump up and offer to do that for her). Ah, the famous Work Is Good, Idleness Is The Playground of the Devil argument. No season is complete without One Of Those People going on at least once in an episode about how some people are lazy and therefore "don't deserve" to be there. Scout also calls Ami a control freak. And Scout isn't?

At another side of the camp, Ami tells Julie and Elazya that Scout is jealous of her because she has a great body that is physically competent. Normally I'd roll up my eyes at this but after watching the way Scout behave, I can't help thinking that there may be some truth in Ami's claims. Chris, meanwhile, happily tells the camera that he is just sitting back and watching the women rip at each other. He likes that! Good for him. I'd respect him more if he, you know, does something to be in this fortunate position in the game instead of just having it handed to him on a silver platter marked "Bitterly yours, from Twila and Scout".

Night falls. Elazya, Ami, and Julie cuddle up in the shelter. When Scout reaches for a blanket, Ami tells her to find her own blanket because that one is theirs. How mean. What has poor Scout done to deserve such pettiness from Ami? Chris tells the camera that Ami must go because he is afraid that she may bounce back and when she does, he is afraid of what she may do. I don't know about that. I have a feeling that what Ami may do is nothing compared to what Scout and Twila would do when Chris end up incurring their wrath.

Wait, it's another day now? It's now day thirty-three, yay. It's time for the Immunity Challenge. Tree-mail comes in the form of an orange disc with some gibberish that the Atloonteans can't make heads or tails from. Then again, they aren't Einsteins in the first place so maybe Burnetto should look into preparing diagrams instead of written gibberish the next time around. Chris says that while he hasn't been doing much when it comes to winning Immunities, he needs to win this one to be completely safe. Gosh, can an Immunity holder ever be less than completely safe?

Probby isn't amused when Ami pretends that the Dong Ring can't come off her. He too wants the show to be done and over with. Anyway, this is another pointless Challenge where the person at risk has no chance of saving herself. It's a repeat of the useless carrom board game thingie from Amazon. The Atloonteans push up to five pucks on a map of Vanuatu, one at a time. The puck that lands on an island counts as a score. A puck that lands on a volcano is even better - the other players cannot knock off that puck, unlike a puck that is merely on an island. Anyone who has the most pucks landed on an island, or failing that, the most successful in knocking off the others' pucks off the map, will get to wear the Dong Ring.

Probby lets the Atloonteans rip at it and there they go. I don't think words can do justice when it comes to the indescribable boredom that is watching this... thing. Ami knocks herself out of the game by knocking her own puck off the map with her next one. Cool. Finally, in what I seriously hope is not a foreshadowing to the finale, Chris wins the Dong Ring mostly by luck. Yay!

Back at camp, Chris tells the camera that it is "ironic" that he beats these women in a "non-physical challenge". Hey, did Scout catch that? Scout must be right now saying that she would be a smarter player and a more coordinated one too six years ago when she was so hot, so strong, so fabulous, you better believe it, yadda yadda yadda.

Ami is unable to believe that she put herself out of the game back then when she needed to win the most. Well, it happens. Scout and Twila happened, so yeah, it happens.

Meanwhile, Twila is telling Elazya that Ami must go. I have to laugh when Elazya asks Twila how Elazya can trust Twila not to make a turnabout and vote Elazya out instead because Twila had reneged on something that she swore on her son's name. Ooh, stew on that, Twila! If Elazya hasn't been such a dizzy cow all season, I'd suspect that she is subtly rubbing Twila's face in the mud. Alas, Elazya is probably just being paranoid as usual. Twila tells Elazya that what she swore on was a mistake and she "takes it" back. Wow, I must file that one away for use one day. Oops, did I promise on my son's name to repay the loan I took from you? Wait, I take it back, ha ha, can you lend me another ten grand? Anyway, Twila tells the camera and later to Scout that Ami must have worked something on Elazya (because it is not natural for a person to question her word after witnessing her breaking it before) because Twila is telling the truth. She is an honest person! She is! Honest!

Ami has cornered Elazya and I guess she must have run out of things to tell Elazya because right now she is saying that Elazya will hurt her feelings if Elazya votes her out because Ami has protected and stood by Elazya "five million times" in this game. ("Ah, but does she vouch on that 150,000%?" asks Jerri.) Ami tells the camera that her chances of staying in this game is entirely dependent on Elazya. Somewhere else, Twila and Chris are talking and Chris is reassuring Twila that Elazya won't force a tie. Apparently the tie-breaking of this season is the people not voted drawing rocks to see who will be leaving. In other words, if you force a tie, the two persons tied are safe. On the other hand, the other twits who force the tie will have to gamble on not getting the purple rock to remain in the game. I don't know about anyone else but this new "twist", along with the Yield in The Amazing Race, is the worst I've come across in a while.

Julie and Elazya are watching Ami as Ami does that Lone Walk of the Damned thing on the beach. They reminisce about they have always wanted Ami to be their big sister or something, which is odd because aren't those two and Ami supposed to be in opposing alliances in the beginning? Then again, Ami did stick up for the Bowheads when Twila and Mia went at it a few weeks back in the Tribal Council so there may be some truth in that. They talk about what a nasty woman Scout is and Elazya giggles at the idea that she would send a vote to Scout and engineer a tie just to make the bile bags angry.

Now Elazya is with Scout and Chris in the shelter and she looks like a lamb trapped in a gathering of wolves, the poor thing. Scout gloats that they are looking good where they are right now and Elazya looks even more guilt-stricken as a result. The poor thing. She really likes Julie and Ami, I believe, but she knows that she has to stay with this particular alliance to keep playing even as she knows that she is the fourth wheel in this alliance. I hate to say this, but I feel sorry for her at that moment.

Night, Tribal Council. Probby kicks off the show by attacking Scout most delightfully, pointing out things no one has dared say before, such as how Scout keep claiming to be with the women when she's the first to run off and play with Chris and how Scout's all-for-one and one-for-all batcrap nonsense is just that - self-serving nonsense. The only thing Probby misses out on is how little Scout can do to back up her talk. Meanwhile, Ami accuses Twila of being a lying little bile bag and the whole argument swings back and forth until Twila loses it and tells Ami to just screw it - oh, and screw Ami too while she's at it - and get over it. Elazya stands up for Ami, saying that Ami was backstabbed by her and Elazya naturally feels torn up about it. She cries and Ami cries too as Elazya talks about what a wonderful person Ami is, blah blah blah. I don't think Ami is as nice as Elazya is making her out to be but I must say that Elazya is unwittingly doing what Twila is failing to do: earn herself some much-needed votes from Ami and Leann should she end up in the Final Two. And then it's time to vote.

Twila - Ami. She calls Ami a drama queen. The problem with people like Twila and Scout, they really shouldn't put themselves on so high a pedestal. She can't be expected to see how she will behave in the episode next week but the least she can do is stop being so judgmental in such a spiteful manner.

Chris - Ami.

Ami - Scout. "Scout, you're pretty good at hiding your nasty side. But when your true colors come out, they're no part of any rainbow I've ever seen," she says. I don't know if this statement has anything to do with lesbian consolidarity (or the lack of it) but I do know that Scout isn't doing a good job at hiding her nasty side where I am concerned, heh.

Julie - Scout.

Scout - Ami. "Queens get dethroned and a lightning will strike a lone tree on top of a mountain faster than anything." Especially if you can't walk or even hobble away from the lightning, eh, Scout? I hate to quote my mother, but if Scout can't say anything nice, maybe she should choke on her prosthetic leg for a change.

Elazya - Ami.

Ami leaves, but not before she says, "Good luck, young ones." That explains how she will vote come the finale, I think. She also flips them the middle finger over her head although that finger is pixellated out to protect the innocent children who are watching this wholesome family-friendly show.

Next week: Twila goes out of control. Who's a drama queen again?

In her parting words, Ami talks about being full of integrity and being friends with Julie, Elazya, and Leann forever. Oh, and she wants to hold Twila's head under water for two minutes. That's not nice. But since this season is not nice in the first place, I'll go get the tub of water if she'll wrestle Twila to the ground.

With the most interesting player gone, who would I want to win? Elazya, of course. This is because for all the hypocritical talks of integrity and honesty flying around, Elazya is the only one that remains honest in her reasons for voting on this show. She may be self-absorbed at times and her gameplay is akin to a deer caught in the headlights darting around the place trying to stay alive but in the end, she is also the only one who hasn't been deliberately petty or even cruel to her fellow contestants. She doesn't talk behind people's back while being nice to them at their faces like the bile bags and she genuinely feels awful at having to do what she has to do. But she does what she has to do for the right reasons - she wants to keep being in the game; no "deserving" or "hard work" or "integrity" claptrap from her so far. And that makes her so much better than her competitors at this moment.

Before YouTube, recapping music videos is totally a thing and not a waste of time. Really..

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