SURVIVOR

Vanuatu Episode 14: Spirits and the Final Four

"Previously," Jeff "I'm A Real Man, I Really Am! See? I'm Dating Another Hot Chick Half My Age! I'm A REAL MAN! Why won't anyone believe me?" Proboscis tries to drum up excitement for the finale. Sorry, Probby, I don't care. Even Burnetto doesn't care. See what he called the finale? That's right, bring on the spirits. I'll get drunk, you'll get drunk, and we'll have a good time dancing on our broken TV sets to commemorate the merciful end to the worst season of Survivor ever.

Let's see, we start with eighteen Survivors, which proves that quality and quantity are really two different concepts, and in swift progression, a couple of people were eliminated. Brook. Who? Dolly. Who? John P? Who? Mia? Who? Who, Who, Who, Who, and Who got eliminated quickly, Ami became the Lesbian Villainess of the show and earned herself intense hatred from mostly guys who feel threatened when the women kick the men's asses, Chris became the unlikely (and unlikeable) champion of these losers' ego, Ami got eliminated, Julie got eliminated, and now we are down to the exciting showdown of a useless decrepit cripple who holds the record of never completing even a single physical Challenge, a bitter redneck woman, a redneck oaf who overestimates his intelligence and his "way with the ladies", and a wide-eyed silly girl who, despite my reservations, impressed me with her wacky ability to dodge the bullets since day one and take down the people responsible for firing those bullets. Who will be the sole Survivor, Probby asks. Who cares? It's more like after we'll all gotten drunk, who will be sober enough to give a damn?

Credits. Goodbye, Survivors. You'll be missed. Or more accurately, you're all misses. Goodbye and don't call. I'll call you. But don't expect too much because I have plenty of phone calls to make.

Night, day thirty-six, right after Julie shook her ass one last time in Tribal Council. Elazya is shocked that things didn't went down as planned. It was heartbreaking, Tribal Council, and she is heartbroken! Chris tells the camera that Julie betrayed the men of old JLo so he had taken revenge for them. I'm sure Lea and Chad3P0 are right now humping each other in excitement over this. And when you've seen how Lea behaves later, seriously, he may just be right now chasing a screaming Chad3P0 around the bed in his urgent need to hump a fellow Worthy Human Being (read: a man) to celebrate the Triumph of Man over Slut.

Because she is foolish enough to believe that someone cares, Elazya starts going on and on in camp about how betrayed she feels and how she doesn't know who to trust anymore. When I look at her, I see a young lady who is mentally much younger than her actual age. Elazya, I feel, is way out of her depths in this show and I actually believe that she is a nice lady (if a little self-absorbed, but aren't we all?) outside the game. So I understand her need to let out steam and express the insecurities that are pent up inside her, even if I think she will do better by telling the lemurs and the sloths her sad story. Chris doesn't care - he tells her that this is only a game, which is true, but unfortunately, I don't think Elazya knows what "a game" really means. Twila on the other seems to be on a one-woman scorched earth policy as she tells Elazya that yes, Elazya is unworthy to be in the Final Five because she apparently rode coattails in Twila's opinion and oh yes, Elazya is lazy and doesn't even boil water (when the show has clearly shown Elazya trying to do so and sucking badly at it). What does this mean? Way to go in making Elazya feel even more hatred to her, really. Twila is making it easy for anyone who takes her to the Final Two to win because she is, for some reason (I suspect it's because she's a raging idiot) she is hell-bent on making the Jury members hate her beyond reason.

Elazya is foolish enough to try to argue with Twila. If she wants to be a good public attorney, she will need to master better eloquence skills, especially when I suspect that she may very well have to deal with facing Twila or one of her kins in court one of these days. As it is, she weakly tries to point out why Twila isn't so great either. Twila of course argues that she deserves to be in the Final Five because she is hardworking. Newsflash Twila: the last few winners of the season aren't exactly well-known for their work ethics. Elazya correctly points out that working hard is not the same as playing hard but Twila is hearing none of that, saying that so what if Elazya won Challenges before - she was able to because she was lazy and didn't do work around the camp! Elazya snorts and says that well, maybe if Twila did the same she would have won something too. "Or maybe not," Elazya says cattily. Twila has had enough and tells Elazya that she is in the Final Five only because everyone here is using her. Twila says that as if that is such a bad thing. She should have a long talk with Big Sandra who won in Pearl Islands partly because she offered her vote for hire in exchange for her continuous presence on the island, or InVeeSible, another winner who excelled in using people by letting them believe that they were using her for votes when the whole process actually worked both ways. Elazya isn't as astute as those two but really, Twila finding something "shameful" or "lacking" in the vote-for-hire strategy is ridiculous. Then again, what do I expect from Twila? Sigh.

Elazya and Chris are now alone around the fire. Elazya calls Twila a "dumb bitch" and asks Chris whether he really expects to take one of the two bile bags to the Final Two. "Expect"? I know that if I'm Chris, I'd be salivating at the thought of taking one of those two bile bags to the Final Two. Twila may as well have "Hate Me" tattooed on her forehead while Scout's tattoo will be "Hate Me Too, But Not As Much As Twila". Elazya asks Chris - again - whether he will be true to her. Remember, Chris has betrayed Elazya two times already. Chris reminds her that Julie wanted Elazya out as much as Ami and Leann, which didn't answer Elazya's question but Elazya is foolish enough to be thrown off-track by Chris' response. He adds that she has so little faith in her allies. Hmm, I wonder why, really. I'm sure that the fact that every alliance she was in try to bring her down in the end has nothing to do with it. Elazya talks about trying to turn Twila on Scout and Chris is content to let her believe that this is actually possible. He eventually takes his leave of her and Elazya, I think, doesn't notice that he has never given her any firm commitment or even a halfway-concrete answer to any of her queries. She talks so much, sometimes she should listen more.

Chris gives a confessional where he says that he finds it interesting that Twila and Elazya can't stand each other. If he can live with them for weeks and still find that now-stale feud "interesting", I don't know what to say. And with that, the whole scene of people talking stoopid over stoopid finally ends and the show fades to a volcano.

And... morning! Day thirty-seven. Chris loiters by the fire. Not that he's lazy or anything, I'm sure, according to Twila's selective morals. Scout combs her hair. She's also not lazy, I'm certain. Twila's good friends can relax but all her enemies are lazy cows who must die. Elazya proves to the camera that she is equally naive in the morning as she is at night when it comes to gameplay by saying that she is confident that she and Chris will be against Scout and Twila. Why oh why does she think that Chris will have any incentive to take her to the Final Two, I'd be very interested to know. Like Julie, she seems to base her gameplay on emotions - on who she likes - than on pragmatism. Elazya says that she hopes to win the next Immunity Challenge or if she doesn't, Chris will. Chris is her best friend even when he has again and again proven that his word means as much as a mosquito bite on her cheek.

Oh God, I've never been more happy to see the stupid maze-thing set-up that will be the site of the Immunity Challenge in my life. Anything to stop the painful sight of a silly young girl make a fool of herself over a silly fat cow like Chris. I have to call up my mother and ask her to reassure me that I was never that dumb when I was twenty-two. (My mother says yes. I'm sure she's lying just to get back at me for not marrying that doctor she wanted me to all those years ago.)

Probby explains that the Atloonteans must wander through the maze, collect ten pairs of tiles, go back, rearrange the tiles to spell out two words (no, not those two words). The first to do so will of course get to wear the Dong Ring with Kamukaba with pride. Since this Challenge involves people climbing up and down to collect the tiles, I'm sure it will come to no surprise that Scout is a complete flop here. Won't it be a hoot for her to end up winning the whole thing and having to spend the rest of her fifteen seconds of fame justifying to the media why she should be considered a worthy winner? Chris narrowly wins over Elazya and goes all he-man about it as he wears the Dong Ring. As it is, he manages to win an Immunity Challenge at a crucial moment so yes, good for him. I feel bad though for the sixteen Chris fans who got electrocuted when they got too, uh, excited while humping their cheap second-hand TVs in their parents' basements. Probby gleefully tells the women that one of them is leaving. He wants so badly to prove to the world that he is with the boys, he really is, although not "with the boys" in the way one may suspect after watching his public displays of affection to Colby. Seriously, people, he's a true-blue hot-blooded male! He thinks women have cooties and are good only for just one thing!

Chris tells the camera about how he is the last man standing, because I didn't get it the first six hundred times he babbled about it in the last few episodes. With all this glee about a man beating a bunch of idiot women pretty much shoved at my face, along with the unnecessarily harsh treatment of the Jenn Fatale in the season finale of The Apprentice 2: Strengthening The Glass Ceiling, I'm starting to suspect that Burnetto should really talk to his mother, his current squeeze, or at least a shrink about the issues he is harboring in his darkest closets. Chris talks about how alliances doesn't matter even as the show cuts to his cementing his alliance with the bile bags with a hug. Scout tells the camera that she has been waiting for this moment all along. Twila is ready to gloat, as if she hasn't been gloating in the last few days. If she hasn't, I'd be really afraid to find out what she means by "gloating". There is nothing more charming than seeing two fiftysomething self-proclaimed Better And More Mature Than You bile bags acting like the evil stepsisters of young Elazya, I tell you. Chris tells the camera that Twila "bugs" him sometimes and he's been trying to rein in her worst emotional excesses all day. What, Twila could be even worse than how she is being at that moment? Wonderful! He tells Twila to keep the gloating down until close to the Tribal Council. Twila accuses Chris of trying to get her to annoy people so that he would be better off. What is it they say about awareness coming in too late? Then again, Chris doesn't have to do anything. Twila is burning bridges so well on her own. She's a one-woman Streets Of Fire show.

Scout gets Chris alone and lays it thick to him that she wants to "play the game" with him since day one. Rory will be so jealous, I tell you. Chris isn't amused as he complains to the camera about having to deal with three women in one day. What's the matter, stud? Not man enough to handle a cripple, a bitch, and a nitwit?

Chris reassures Elazya that he is voting with her against Twila tonight. See, that's what I don't understand about the Slug: his need to lie even when he has no need to. This isn't brilliant play, this is stupidity. He doesn't even need to tell her anything, does he? Elazya is so happy as she tells the camera of what a trustworthy ally Chris is, how they will be together to the end, and... good Lord, I can't watch this. Elazya's naivete is breaking my heart. Elazya then tries to get Scout to turn on Twila by telling Scout that Scout should ally with Chris to take Twila out. Scout cooes that she's considered it. This scene of two catty fiends trying to pretend that they are actually fooling the other person with their transparently insincere overtures is as painful to watch as Elazya's horrifically misplaced trust in Chris.

As they get ready to head off to Tribal Council, Chris says to hell with loyalty, he's all about the money. Yeah, baby! (Another thirteen Chris fanboys got electrocuted.)

Night, Tribal Council. It's all about stupidity. Stupid Elazya for saying that she is so happy that Chris won Immunity. When she rewatches this episode, I hope she knows how to find humor in the situation because it's quite hilarious. Chris openly says that friendships don't matter on the show and the three women nod even when it's obvious that all of them feel some special connection with him and are sure that he will never betray them. Where do they find these women? They are going ga-ga over Chris the Slug, of all people! If he's someone dashing, charismatic, and take-charge like the Robfather, I'd understand this but seriously, look at Chris the Slug! Look at him! He is a lousy player trying too hard to emulate the better players in the past and his BS is transparent. Where do Burnetto find these idiot women? What's not so stupid is Twila trying, too late, to scramble for the pieces of all that remain of her standing with the Jury by admitting that she regretted the whole swearing on her son's name incident. Probby stupidly asks Twila what her son will think of the move. Twila says that he won't care, which he shouldn't be anyway because her mother is trying to win a million dollars and seriously, Probby, cut down on the sanctimonious Oh My God Twila LIED nonsense because he didn't give Jonny Fairplay or Big Sandra this much crap when they lied in their respective seasons.

Probby lets the four idiots vote. Twila and Elazya are respectivefully gloating as they cast their votes for each other, with Elazya calling Twila the "cockroach that won't die under the refrigerator" and Twila lobbing back with how Elazya has a lot of growing up to do. I'm sure Twila will advise Elazya to start by burying the bananas in the backyard and telling any starving person who asks for them to get lost and die. Scout votes for Twila, of course. Chris sends Elazya the last vote to send her out of the game where so many have tried and failed in the past.

Elazya gives Chris a wounded look and Chris shrugs carelessly. If he's trying to keep up with Twila's solo scorched-earth tactics, he may just catch up soon. Twila is happy and the camera zooms in on her looking exactly like a rubbery mutant giant rat monster they used in cheap B-grade horror movies. Probby offers some inane "words of wisdom" to the remaining three idiots and send them back like he should have done the moment these idiots walk into the audition room before the show even started.

Elazya talks in her final words about how shocked she was to be betrayed and laments the fact that she never has any ally in the game. That's true but what's even more sad is how she ends up being the last to know. Goodbye, Elazya. Go home, have a good time with friends and family members, and forget about this show. Of all the Survivors who get their torch snuffed out, she is the one that I am genuinely saddened to see leave. There is something about a genuine underdog who has been scrambling left and right to dodge bullets since day one that gets to me. And with her gone, so is the last semblence of an interesting character on this show.

Night, after the Tribal Council. Scout is so happy at how Elazya is no longer around and gloats about the dark look Elazya gave Chris earlier in the Tribal Council. Chris can't tell her that he had promised Elazya his loyalty so all he can say is that he doesn't know what that look is all about. Chris is like a dictionary of stale and transparent lies uttered by bad boyfriends since the dawn of speech. Scout thanks "merciful God" because Elazya isn't here to annoy her with Elazya's babblings. Well, it looks like Scout is already trying hard to fill in the vacuum of silence left by Elazya. Twila and Scout gloat and gloat and gloat some more. I feel embarrassed for them, really, because it's tacky to be so childish when it comes to an obviously immature young woman. Chris tells the camera that he doesn't expect to come here to lie and scheme - ha, ha, that's right - but oh well, a million dollars will change his life. So far I'm really enjoying the thought-provoking confessionals in this episode. Aren't you? Pass me the spirits. I need some damned bad.

Morning, day thirty-eight. What is missing so far on this show? Oh yes, the whole melodramatic Wail of Insincere Lamenting thing. Probby comes up to the remaining menage-du-terrible of Atloontea and tells them to get ready to visit some sacred burial island of Roy Mata - which is conveniently located across the island, wow - and the three will have to go there, pay homage to the idiots they have booted, and offer "something of value" to Roy Mata. What do they have that are of value? Twila's bile? Chris' BS? Scout's useless prosthetic leg? The last is genuinely useful if I get to use it to beat all three of them unconscious. So the three paddle over to what is supposed to be a sacred burial ground. Poor Roy Mata. His sacred sanctuary is being used as a site to pay fake and insincere homage to fifteen famehos. Next thing I know, they'll build a Donald Trump theme park nearby and use Roy Mata's island as a site for the toilets.

Hello, Brook. Goodbye Brook. I don't care how taxing his three-day stint on the show is. Seriously? Goodbye, and he can take his creepy bulging bug-eyes with him. I never notice how creepy those eyes are until I finally get a good look at him - thirteen episodes after he'd been booted. Chris says that Brook never had a chance in the game. Thanks for telling me that, Mr Balance Beam Bobbler. Dolly says hello and once more talks about how her indecisiveness cost her the game. Twila calls Dolly "personable". She's the one to talk about being personable, that Twila.

John P says that he will look at things differently from now on after being on this show. Yeah, and people will look at him and say, "Um, do I know you? Is there any reason I should?" He also says that he is now appreciating people "emotionally". The show plays the scene of him obviously uncomfortable as he tries not to touch any guy in the Same Sex Body Rub Challenge. Well, he did say "emotionally" rather than "physically", so that's alright, I guess. Goodbye, John P. I'll miss the could-have-beens of his tight short black swim trunks, although I wish I could say the same of the person wearing them.

Oh, Mia. She says she doesn't get along with people on this show because she's Italian. But she gets along with people in real life though, because she's Italian! Like John P, she doesn't get any comments from the Final Three. Brady says that he isn't sure if he could have done anything different on this game. I have a few suggestions, all of them involving full frontal nudity, but I respect the FBI too much to mention them here. Goodbye Brady. I miss the pretty.

Chris loves Bubba. Well, I don't. Bubba says that he learns... uh, something, I guess, from his experience on the show. Maybe he'll stop whispering in front of people from now on. Bub along now, Bub. Lisa still insists that she kept her word, which is just semantics because she said in post-boot interviews that she wanted to align with the guys so Ami was right to kick this flakey bad boob job lady out. John K is annoyed that he didn't win. Oh, my heart breaks for him. Rory insists that he is just happy to be on Vanuatu. After he's burned down the women's shelter, that is. Lea insists that he is better than you and me because he got booted when he aligned himself to people based on what they are instead of who they are. Or something. Chad3P0 talks about soul-searching in the light at the end of Lea's ass.

Leann sometimes wanted to go home while she was playing the game. That's deep. I'm sure she's happy that she has gotten her wish so early. Ami talks about the power of the woman, hear her roar, and, not that she mentions it, see all of her in that old issue of Playboy and then roar along with her. Or something. The show nicely juxtaposes Julie's talk about feeling conflicted about what to and not to "expose" on the show with the scene of her baring her bum. Sometimes all you have to do is to watch this show and all your questions will be answered. Elazya says that this show has been the best experience of her life. Even if everyone hates her, you know. Oh, Elazya, really, forget this show and move on to sunnier things in life.

As an aside, I think this is the first time where the Final Three have literally nothing to say of so many of the booted Survivors. I can really feel the love in Vanuatu.

The three come up to Roy Mata's grave where they must offer something of "great value". Chris offers the spirit rock that he has done nothing to earn other than the fact that he has a penis hidden in the fat folds under his belly. Roy Mata will have a good time with Scout and Twila's offerings (staff and more staff), with Scout saying that she is offering the staff (which isn't hers to keep in the first place) to "a man who actually gave his life on behalf of peace". Roy can feel the bond between the two of them, surely, as Scout is a woman who exposes her bile to the TV screen on behalf of a piece of fame. Scout tells the camera that she feels blessed to be able to walk on the grounds where "indigenous people have walked for hundreds and hundreds of years". I wonder what part of Probby's "sacred" and "taboo" that she doesn't get, unless it's now common for people to have trampling parties on sacred grounds and I didn't get the memo. Scout mutters some Native American yammerings at the burial site because every indigenous tribe speaks the same language. Didn't your geography teacher tell you that? And finally, having completely degraded Roy Mata's burial site and stripped away the last shreds of dignity of Vanuatu, the show moves on to the final Immunity Challenge.

For this Challenge, the three of them must stand on stumps and pose with a bow and arrow like hideous gargoyles pretending to be Cupid. Anyone who drops the bow or shoots the arrow will be disqualified. Last one standing wins the Great Dong. Goodbye, Scout. I wanted to bet on this outcome at the local betting outlet but they put a sign over the booth: "Scout will lose, yeah, yeah, we all know that, now bet on something else." Tick, tick, stupid chatter, tick, tick, Chris wins one hour and seven minutes into the Challenge. He is so happy. Twenty fanboys get electrocuted.

It's a fun time in camp when Chris tries to pretend that he respects Twila and the two women try to pretend that they reciprocate his feelings. Oh, and Scout and Twila reveal to Chris that they don't have a Final Two agreement with each other, only a Final Three agreement after they get rid of Elazya. So the bile bags' strategy all along is to eliminate Elazya? Goodness, talk about tunnel vision!

Night, Tribal Council. Zzzzzz. Chris takes Twila to the Final Two. The Jury is happy that Scout is, like, ding-dong the bitch is dead, and Scout hugs everybody because she wants everyone to know that she is a nice and sweet old lady. Probby talks about the two having their fates in the hands of the Jury and send the two back to camp.

Scout talks in her final words about how proud she is to have changed the game - I'm sure she can somehow come up with a delusional explanation about how she instigated the whole uprising against Ami single-handedly - and how even more proud she is to have kept her word until it wasn't in her best interests to do so. Again, I'm sure she will come up with a motivational tape to sell that will explain how being loyal until it no longer suits one's interest is somehow better than being disloyal. Sheesh, she doesn't even have the decency to stop all that hypocritical posturings at this stage of the show. Who is she trying to fool?

Day thirty-nine. Chris the Slug and Twila spend the whole day cavorting and copulating with abandon. No, really, they pretend that they are so sure that the other person will win. As they leave for the final Tribal Council, Twila insists that she has played in a way that she will be proud of while Chris takes pride in being the last man standing in this show. These two people have an overblown view of their actual worth in the scheme of things.

Night, Tribal Council. How long more do I have to endure this crap show? Okay, opening statements first. Chris gets to go first and I nearly die laughing when he insists that he should win because he has been loyal to his alliances and he is the last man standing. Maybe it's because I am a woman and I don't get it, but there seems to be something very important attached to this Last Man Standng thingie but I don't know what that something is. "I beat Scout and Twila along with a gaggle of idiotic females" doesn't sound like some accomplishment to crow about no matter how I try to look at it. Twila says that she has done everything she did to win and she worked hard in doing these things. Um, okay. Is that all? I guess that is all.

Elazya goes first. She rails at Twila for being a "deceptive, lying bitch" and after a rant about Twila doing nasty things to be in the Final Two while treating Elazya without an ounce of respect, contradicts herself by saying that at least Twila is "outright" about being a bitch. She then cries as she rails at Chris for betraying her and what-not and demands an apology from him because she has never, ever in her life expects Chris to be a "deceptive, lying bitch" too. Oh, Elazya, it is her fault that she is blindsided by Chris' deception. She goes on to rail at Chris for pretending to be her friend. I think she needs to see a shrink. She is confusing the game with real life. She also wants an apology from Twila.

Twila won't give her an apology, saying that she respected Elazya as long as Elazya respected her back, which is BS. They go on about what is and what isn't "being disrespectful" and in the process show the world what silly children the both of them are. Twila pretty much tells her to go hang herself. Chris on the other hand can't get down and plant his lips on her bum fast enough, as if the suck of this season hasn't nauseated me enough already.

Julie is next. She gives Twila some cursory attention but she's more concerned about playing the wounded woman to Chris' betrayal. The script is the same as Elazya's, just substitute misplaced fury with equally misplaced melodramatic hurt. Chris, of course, wipes his tongue with his bare palms and proceed to commence another session of sphincter-rimming, complete with really awful fake tears. He is that inept at playing the repentant man that I don't know whether to laugh at the whole nonsense or to cringe at how low his sex must have devolved to come to this.

Leann rips Twila a new one for that swearing on Twila's son incident. Twila tries to point out that she turned on Leann and her allies because after seeing Scout replaced by Julie in the original Final Four alliance, she deduced that she would be the next to go after Scout and she didn't want that to happen. Leann seems mildly placated by this and turns to Chris, asking him to change her mind about voting for a woman in the spirit of an all-woman "alliance". Leann has completely lost me from the first word she uttered so don't ask me what she is talking about. Chris says that he played the best he could, sneakily saying that he seized an opportunity that Twila offered him when they took on the queens of the tribe and lived to tell the tale.

Ami is up next. She claims to find it "ironic" that Twila will lie and break friendships for a million dollars but not apologize for the million dollars. I don't think that's very "ironic", really. Maybe it should be "Twil-onic"? She also tells Chris off for lying to Julie and Elazya. She also brings up Twilagate, as if I can't get enough of everyone talking about Twila's Big Lie non-stop for the last few episodes. Whatever. Chris the Slug quickly assumes the position for Ami's figurative strap-on, telling Ami that she was on the Jury because she was too nice for the game (haw, haw). That is what Ami wants to hear, of course. Twila also apologizes for Twilagate - is someone keeping count as to how many times they have made her do so already? - and agrees that Ami is somehow too nice for the game. Twila is catching on to the kissing game but I think it may be too late for her.

Chad3P0 asks Twila how the experience has changed her life. Everyone comes onto this show for a life-changing experience, after all. Hey, Chad3P0, did the earth move for you too? Twila brings up having to think before she speaks and judging people too quickly. Wait a minute, aren't those things part of the personality transplant she desperately needs instead of ways in which her life has changed? Chris says some ridiculous nonsense about pretty much how everyone taught him how worthless he actually is as a human being and how in awe of them all that he really is.

And here comes the biggest loser of the season, Lea. You know, when I first called him on his hypocritical ways in my earlier recaps, so many people wrote in to say that my "left wing commie" ways are coloring my perception of a supposedly good and upright man. Yeah, upright indeed. Lea rips Twila a new one for swearing on her son's name, an act which strikes me as really unnecessary because firstly, Twilagate doesn't involve him at all so he is just butting in and being indignant about something that is none of his business whatsoever, and secondly, he must be crazy if he thinks he is fooling anyone by saying that he would have voted for Twila over the Slug because she "needed" the money more. But now that Twilagate has erupted, he wouldn't do that anymore. If his own mother lied using his name, he'd have told his mother to "kiss" his "ass", he insists. Twila looks visibly shaken by the attack and once more apologizes. I don't like her but dang it, the way they are making such a big fuss of nothing is making me angry with these idiots on her behalf. Chris tells Lea that he doesn't care if Lea thinks that Twila needs the money more - he will still go with Lea on NASCAR races. And who knows, maybe to Europe!

Scout is next. Does it matter? Scout is in love with Twila. She tells Chris off for being full of BS, which would be so cool if she isn't so full of it herself. This exchange is like the pot mistaking the reflection in the mirror as the black kettle. Don't worry though, Chris knows when to assume the position and take it like a man.

Closing statement time. Twila sinks herself by saying that she is actually a nice person in real life and she really feels awful for lying in this game. She also feels guilty for Twilagate and I have to hand it to her when she tells Lea that he doesn't have to "rub it in". She tearfully tells him that she respects her and it "kills" her to hear him say such things. She begs him not to make her feel lower than she already feels. Look, Ami is crying although I don't know whether she's crying in happiness at the sight of Twila's suffering. But seriously, Lea is a jerk because he is trying to take a moral ground about something that doesn't involve him - something that he gathers from hearsay and gossip in the first place! So much for Moral Values and God, huh?

And as for Chris, oh yucks. He calls Scout a BSer and offers Julie her hat back as a way to make amends ("You get your hat back, I get a million, are we friends now?"), apologizes to Elazya one more time, and tells the two men that they will be friends forever.

Probby then calls them to vote for the winner. Lea's vote, complete with a NASCAR flag, is for Chris because they are friends forever. I hope he doesn't cry when Chris changes his address and phone number after the show. Leann votes. Scout asks Twila to marry her. Not really, I think. Elazya votes for Chris because she likes Chris better than Twila out of the two people who screwed her over. Now that is what I call an honest reason to vote. Chad3P0 votes. Ami votes for Twila, saying that Twila spoke from the heart and so she gets Ami's approval. I suspect that this is a pity vote for Twila because come on, everyone knows Twila has no chance to win. It's like Scoutmarm Lil versus Big Sandra all over again in Pearl Islands or Dim Kim versus Ethanol in Africa, where it's obvious that one of the Final Two has burned so many bridges with the Jury that the best she can do is to play for second place.

Probby takes the urn and drops down dead. No, wait, he does the usual campy "world explorer" schtick through jungles and oceans to emerge in the studio, where Chris and Twila prove that sometimes starvation can be the best natural slimming method ever. These two should go back and live in the jungle for the rest of their lives. Oh, and because Twila pretty much tells the crucial Jury members to get lost and die rather than to kiss their ass, the likes of Leann, Julie, and Elazya along with Chad3P0 and Lea hand the million dollars to the most inept and slimiest liar of them all, Chris the Slug, after wasting an hour of my time with their talk about the importance of honesty and virtue in the final Tribal Council. "Fuck, yeah!" Chris screams and the curtain falls.

Okay, do I think Chris should win? Absolutely. Twila's gameplay is wretched beyond belief - she's a one-woman show of self-destruction when it comes to her standing with the Jury members. But is Chris even close to being a great winner? Oh please, he ranks even lower than the ones who didn't win, like Rat Boy and Jonny Fairplay. He made so many stupid mistakes since day one and he is only lucky to end up where he is because of a combination of factors that have nothing to do with him and everything to do with other people's stupidity. In this respect, Chris ranks only higher than Sandra, who is the worst winner ever, because unlike Sandra who has no control at all over her fate in the Final Three, he at least wins the last two crucial Immunities that pave his way to the million dollars. That doesn't mean he's any good though. In fact, I predict that a month after the finale, nobody will give a damn anymore.

Oh, and the next season will take place in Palau. It's another island. More beaches, more sea, more sand, and more Survivors! Yes, there will be twenty Survivors the next time around. Rumors are trickling in that the cast of Palau are even flatter than the cast of Vanuatu so I'm sure we will all have a good time by then. Until then, the last one to leave please don't forget to flush. Good night and thank you for keeping me company through this wretched season.

Before YouTube, recapping music videos is totally a thing and not a waste of time. Really..

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