Before YouTube, recapping music videos is totally a thing and not a waste of time. Really..
Thailand Episode 13: Slip Through Your Fingers
Gosh, it's been thirteen episodes of Survivor Thailand and now we have come to the finale. It's been thirty-six days on this island, and we have witnessed how so many people literally hand Porno his million dollars. Yes, he won. Are you surprised?
After the theme song, we hear Jeff Proboscis' voice in a pointlessly long recap of the last twelve episodes. I'm not going to go into this, because it's all scenery chewing. You want to catch up, you go read the last twelve rambling pieces I've written about this show. Interspersed with the recap are scenes of natural beauty like waves crashing onto rocks in some assertion of this show's non-existant virility. We also get a tedious recount of Soochee's incomparable self-implosion.
I look at clock. How long more will this take, Burnetto?
I go to the toilet and come back a while later. Still not done.
Finally, just when I am thinking maybe it's better to drag a snoring hubby to the nearest 7-11 and buy some Slurpee and snort it through our nostrils as a better alternative to spend an evening of fun, finally we see the four remaining freaks walking back from their last Tribal Council. Bray is saying that Saggy Manboobs won't even look at them and Saggy will be pissed at being backstabbed. There are four torches on the cave wall now. Porno lights a bonfire, and Jan the Hen says, "Let there be light." Because as we know, there isn't any in her alcohol-soaked brain cavity. Helen expects that the next few days will be stressful. Like, duh.
Morning. The freaks find baskets of flowers and cheap plastic cards (sort of like the circular plastic cards bakers used in their cake display) displaying the names of the Previous Losers on these things. Oh, now it's time for the obligatory fake "Let's put a sad face as we remember those losers we barely know or care about" time. They must make lil' kratongs (flower boats) and put these boats out to the sea as some gesture of remembrance. They make it sound as if these Losers are dead rather than sequestered in some hotel in Thailand. Then again, with these freaks, the Losers probably are dead to them.
But Burnetto, why waste cheap flowers and cards when Jan the Hen has been keeping a nice pet cematary right there?
The flowers and all come with a box of pins. Helen gives a sound of pleasure her Jello will probably recognize as she uses one to pick at her teeth. She offers one to the man she is conducted an ill-fated platonic affair with, Porno, and he makes a sound Jello should be wary of as Porno and Helen exchange a look and she says "I need this" before stabbing the pin between her teeth.
I don't know what Bray is doing, probably using a pin to pick at the mites among his pubic hair, maybe that's why they don't show him on the camera. Jan the Hen, predictably, is the only one brainless enough to pour all her enthusiasm into this task. Ply her with beer and she'll probably rob Fort Knox for Saddam Hussein if Saddam asks her nicely. She wants to arrange each lil' boat to match the Losers' personality. As if she'll know anything about, oh, Jed and Stephanie for example? Idiot.
In a confessional, Porno pats himself in the shoulder and congratulates himself. Here is where I started to freak out. My friend Cynthia has been telling me for weeks that Porno is a reptilian, inhuman freak with a beastial gleam in his eyes, but I never notice until now. His monotonous, emotion-free voice creeps me out as he says how this is just a business trip to him and he is not here to make friends or bonds. Look, I scoff at the idea of people forming bonds over trivial reality shows, but Porno isn't even saying this with a knowing smirk. He's dead serious. He really is here on a business trip.
I watch him turn on the charm with Bray, remembering clearly the inflection-free automaton in the confessional just too recently. Is it me or the room is much colder than before?
He and Bray shake hands, reaffirming their bond while the women go collect their immunity challenge missive.
Jeff awaits at a site of another cheapass kiddie telethon event. Someone has cut his hair. He looks like a smirky chimp and he is wearing the same black khaki shirts and lighter knee-length khakis. Poor Jeff. Budgeting must be really tight this year if he has to recycle his wardrobes while Burnetto splurge on cheap flowers for the freaks. Jeff is looking perky, however. Like me, he is aware that this season is going to end soon. He can finally return to his darling Colby's arms and do obscene things to each other with the Tuna Wesson's patented special vibrator. Kidding, Probby! Keep a leash on your lawyers!
This event is called the "Second Chance". That's because it's an amalgamation of several telethon thingies they have done in the last few weeks so this is the second chance for them to get it right. Or maybe it's just a "second chance" for Burnetto to recycle the props. Those Thai dinners for the freaks must have really done him in.
Basically they start out digging for the rattan ball that Toooolll used to play his game so well, slide the rattan ball thing along the net thing and then they do some balancing on beam race before working on the puzzle thing that appeared in the first episode (the one that the Cow failed to do and cost Pastor John his booting from the game), then run to that fake jail cell and use bamboo shoots to retrieve a key to free themselves, and then finally run to a table, pull open the porcelein bowl, and eat a fried tarantula.
Boy, they really hate Jan the Hen, don't they?
Bray is an expert in digging, the dwarven freak that he is, but he spends what seems like a year trying to solve the puzzle. After all, you have to use your brain in that puzzle thing, but Bray doesn't have a brain.
"Ah!" Thunk! "Oops!" Bomp! "Aaahhh!" Watching Jan slip and fall on the balancing beam again and again? This is what good TV is for. I suggest we get Jan on Endurance and has her repeating that act again and again until we hear something crack, and I don't mean the beer bottle snugly resting between her "clavage". Because I hate her, I hate what she did to Helen, and she has no right to be in this game if she has no strategy, no brainpower, nothing. She makes Dim Kim Johnson look like a Valkyrie in comparison. Serious, WTF is that dumb, insane necrophiliac old moron doing on that show, huh, HUH?
Helen has problems at the balancing beam too, and that cost her as Porno sniffs at the tarantula before swallowing it like a good boy. He wins the Cheap Necklace of a Million Sharp Spikes. The elephantine "Oh-oh-oh! Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh!" music blares on as we see Helen's look of dismay and her silent cursing. Jan the Hen slumps the ground. Bray just stares gloomily, but he always looks like that, that freak.
We see a dolphin in the water. Scenery. More scenery. Burnetto is stalling the inevitable. Come on, Burnetto, end this show quickly so that I can go cleanse myself of my shame of even finding Porno remotely likeable by looking for nude screencaps of Colin Farrell on the 'Net.
Then comes Porno to hang his necklace at the cavewall beside his torch.
Helen is disappointed. She hates losing. She hates looking like a fool while losing. Boy, she will hate it more when Porno stabs her in the back. Unaware that her one-sided crush isn't as enamored of her as she he, she gives Porno a sidelong glance as he drinks, those sexy muscles flexing in a way that I find rather creepy now. It's like watching an anaconda swallow.
Porno decides in a confessional that Helen must go. He tells Bray who, needless to say, agrees whole-heartedly as Bray rubs at his upper lip. That is when they decide to keep the women apart and corner Jan the Hen. Porno asks Jan if she knows who is going next. She points at herself. No, Porno tells her, it's Helen who must go. It's not her time yet. Note the word "yet" - that means she is doomed even if she votes out Helen. Anyone who is not brain-damaged by alcohol will immediately rat to Helen and form a tie-breaker, evicts Porno, and then gamble their luck on the final immunity challenge.
Not this braindead alcoholic moron.
Bray tells Jan that it's either her or Helen. He says that third prize will be a big boost to her bank account. Jan groans, says she wants to sleep and think about it, and as those two finally quit browbeating her (this must be how you force a senile dying old bitch to sign over her inheritance to you), she sighs that she wants to kill herself.
So why don't she? Idiot. Moron. Brainless alcohol nitwit. WTF really, WTF is she doing in this game? I am hoping that her lush granny act is just that, an act hiding a razor sharp Tuna Wesson ruthlessness, but as it turns out, she has no strategy, no gameplan, nothing.
If you ask me, it's a crime to give her the third prize money. She'll have enough dough to drink herself into detox.
I hate her. Stupid old hag. She's a waste of space, just like that Erin Boobavich. Hey, Burnetto, next time, please stop searching for contestants from the senior homes, detox section, okay?
One more time: Jan you idiot.
Porno is worried about Helen's retaliation. Bray says that she will know anyway when the votes are read.
Unaware of the coup hatched by Pornotus, Bray Anthony, and one crazy old stupid hen, Helen Caesar here reveals to the camera that she, Bray, and Porno have an agreement from, oh, a long time ago to bring themselves to the final three and then decide from there who the Final Two will be. Porno's crazy, rambling confession last episode corroborates to her account. But she says that you can't trust what people say here - foreshadowing, eh? - and decides to ask Porno upfront (remember, she trusts Porno forever and ever) whether she will be going or staying. He tells her she will be staying.
Tell me please, what is a smart woman doing sleeping with two flea-infested dogs? Oh, I forget - she's not smart at all.
Tribal Council. Proboscis points out that the Jury is composed of people the Survivors have betrayed or evicted. Saggy, especially, must be angry.
By the way, after he has shaved, Saggy looks twenty years younger at least. Wow!
Bray says that he's lied, but he's also lying for a million dollars. No need to get all hissy or self righteous in justifying his actions - he won't even try.
I am starting to like him. Kill me now, please.
Jan the Insane Damn Stupid Hen says that she never lied. Saggy never asked her! Woo-hoo, way to go, Dumb Broad Granny, now shut up and go bury a bat, you useless waste of space.
Porno is even better - he never lied, he changed his mind. Then he says that he has been deceived. Saggy in the jury rolls up his eyes. I have to use a cocktail fork to unroll mine from their being stuck at the roof of my eye sockets.
Helen says that you can't trust people. Soon, she will have to eat her own words big time and swallow the bitter pulp that resulted.
And how pathetic is it that Bray is the only one making sense here? Yeah, he lied, he says - get over it. It's the way of the Game.
Voting time. Porno really makes me hate him with the intensity of three burning suns when he says to the camera - right after sniffing the pen ("smells like Ken Doll's... hmmmm!") and writes down Helen's name on the cheap paper - that his vote for Helen is for "cause and effect". What the hell? Hey, me, watching at home, know why you're voting for Helen, so don't sell me that crap about positivity and other rubbish when you are as selfish as everybody else here. Shut up, Porno. Shut the &^%$ up!
Bray's parting words to Helen? Nicely put, for a redneck idiot that is.
Helen goes. You should see her face when her name is read, and by the time her name is called out the fourth time, she is looking mad enough to take on suicide bombers and rip them apart with her bare hands. She strides towards Jeff, plonks her torch down more ungraciously than how the Evil Penny did it on her eviction day, and boy, she's pissed.
Then again, she should be. She didn't even pack her things.
She walks out, never looking or saying a word at the other three. Saggy smiles and gestures at Fake who is sitting behind him, his expression a dead-on "Told ya, Helen!" thing.
Helen's final words? She is pissed big time. She talks about three knives in her back, but how Porno's knife smarts the most, because he has flat-out lied to her. "As for the remaining three, break a leg. I mean it."
Hubby and I gasp in delight. Sue Hawk, meet Helen. We suddenly cannot wait for the Jury's Barbecue Party.
Night thirty-seven. Bray is back, saying it's a very memorable day. I'm glad someone is having a good time.
Jan the Stupid Insane Hen is happy even if she is aware that Helen deserves to be here instead of her. Yeah, that's for sure, you useless wrinkled old 596-year old rotten prune. Bray tells Jan that she did the right thing in stabbing her knife into Helen's back, just like how you will reassure that senile old granny who has just signed off her inheritance to you as well as her agreement to be euthanized ASAP. Jan goes "Awww!" as she finds Helen's lil' kratong boat and immediately sticks a kitchen spoon to the floral arrangement she made especially for Helen. Helen appreciates it, I'm sure.
If you stand on Koh Turatao today and listen to the seabreeze closely, you can probably hear Helen's shrieks of fury all the way from the Losers Lodge: "Yeah, you &^%$ing bitch, why not just stick a fork to my kratong, you bitch, you stupid bitch!"
Porno talks to the camera. In that flat, humorless montone, without even a twinkle in his eye, he says that Helen should be given a proper burial. She's like his sister gone bad. Hubby has to restrain me from flinging myself at the TV, fingers all claws to scratch that man's eyes out. Excuse me, asshole? A sister gone bad? A proper burial?
That man is scum. A snake in every sense of the word!
Not that I condone spousal abuse, but suddenly I'm willing to give CC Heidik the benefit of the doubt after all. It's hard to just divorce a hubby who is going to win a million dollars, I guess. Think about Fiji!
All three bunk down to admire the sunrise. They pretend to eat donuts and pass coffee around. It'll be cute if I'm not watching a snake, a troll, and an insane alcoholic bat doing the bizarre.
Then comes Jeff in a boat borrowed from Willy Wonka, complete with three upright umbrellas. The three freaks are to take all the kratongs, take a map Proboscis gives them, paddle the Willy Wonka Boat according to the directions there, and release the flower boats at the specified location.
Yup, the always fake "Walk of Tears", or shall I say "Paddle of Bores".
I mean, yeah, Porno and Bray really care. Sure.
So we have them releasing the boats as we get scenes of each losers in the past. Ooh, this is so touching, I feel like sticking my finger down my throat and do a Tanya on everybody.
We have Pastor John doing... er, who cares. Tanya smiling and doing her thing and uuurgh, throws up wholesome green puke in slow motion. Jed walks around shirtless - sigh, I miss those abs. The Cow kissing everybody before doing the banshee scream. Stephanie stuffing fish in her mouth. Toooollll choking Bray - classic! Shii Devil laughing before hugging herself as she pulls a hood over herself - sigh, I miss that gal. Erin Boobavich and those massive cement bombs. Ken Doll looking like an idiot in that immunity challenge where he lost to the midget Bray. Evil Penny still ugly and still a bitch. Fake, smarmy and desperate, but he's okay compared to many of the others. Then there's Saggy, Goldmember baldie and Maker of Scary Faces when drunk. Finally, dear betrayed Helen, looking like Magilla the Magic Monkey's long lost mother.
Screwdriver you, Jan.
Screwdriver you, Bray.
You are the screwdriver, Porno.
I hate this show. All you three freaks can get lost and die!
(No, I am not really Helen. Really!)
Having exorcised all the fake tears they can muster (or rather, Jan the Hen is the only one tearing up like there's no tomorrow), they paddle to a dark and spooky cave lit by torches. Nice bats. I hope a monster comes out and eats them all. Is this supposed to be scary? Mark Burnetto, it's not scary when you have me wishing they'd trip and break a leg like Helen suggested. As if the insurance people will even allow anybody here to get into serious danger.
"Welcome to the Valley of the Wails," Jeff Proboscis, the walking stand for recycled outfit, says. And I thought the Valley of the Wails is where Flodungka lives - oops, wrong show. Jeff says that they have tried so hard... oh darn, he sounds so serious, I laugh so hard I sort of drown out what he said next.
The final immunity challenge involves each contestant balancing a coin between each two fingers on their hands. They then get into a rack where they balance with their hands outstretched and legs slightly bent. Longest to stand that way with the coins still in their hands win immunity. Losers let the million dollars "slip through your fingers". The contestants take off their shoes and get into position. Ready! Stand!
Jeff: "There'll be some initial discomfort, then pain. So, Jan, what do you plan to do with the money?"
Jan will have four beers and then con a cigar off some guy. She doesn't say that she will also kill that guy and bury him in her garden, but we all know better, eh?
Porno? "I'm just trying to relax, thank you."
Ooh, Jeff, I believe Porno just gave you the verbal finger.
Bray wants his wife's pie. Let's... just move on.
Eight minutes and forty-five seconds tick by. Bray gyrates his legs in a circular motion. Porno is all zenned up. Jan is sweating buckets.
"You are at the darkest part of this challenge," Jeff says among other nonsense.
We're at the darkest nadir of the franchise, there's that too.
Twelve minutes - "I can't do this." Jan lets the coin slip. That idiot has just sealed her fate. Bray lets his coins fall, followed by Porno. Porno wins immunity, and Jan bends over to willingly take it up the ass.
Gotta hand it to this insane woman. She doesn't know what she is doing, but she has screwed the people closest to her and hand over the victory platter to her enemies. I hope Porno gives her a pity Heineken for her valiant efforts in screwing herself and her friends out of their misery.
Bray congraulates Jan. "Way to go," he says breathlessly.
Yes, Jan, way to go. Let's hope Helen and Saggy don't wait for you at the Loser Lodge with ugly baseball bats ready for action.
Not that I'm saying Saggy and Helen play a great time, mind you, but Jan's refusal to ally herself with Helen and Saggy is what cost Saggy and Helen their only chance to break the Midget and Porn Inc. With Jan's non-commitment, Helen decides to bank on her initial deal with Midget and Porn Inc and gets screwed when Midget and Porn Inc tosses her over for the very bitch who caused her to be in that position.
Jan could have allied herself with Helen and vote out Porno. Porno and Helen in a tiebreaker? Helen would probably beat that slime in any quiz - that woman memorizes recipe, after all. Then she can take Jan along to the final three with Bray. She can then gamble on the winner to take her along instead of the other. At least then she can say she played a game instead of acting like a dog waiting to be beaten by her masters.
But no. Granny is an idiot. I feel like shaking her.
This is what happens when the swing vote doesn't have a brain cell in her skull. Jan Gentry - stupidest contestant ever, no contest.
As they walk back to their caves - how apt - Jan knows she is a goner. She... well, since Porno and Bray didn't push her head down the watering hole, I'm not going to dwell on her as I don't care what she says or does anymore. She's an idiot, and I don't talk about idiots.
Storm falls. Porno laughs and says that is what he is feeling, something like him hurting in his... uh, as usual, I lost track of what's saying, especially when the sign "Non Sequitur" falls from the sky and crashes on my head. You slime. You creep. You too are dead to me.
Bray says that he worries that Porno may take Jan to the Final Two instead of him, because Jan may give Porno an easier win. Um, no, Bray, you, the idiot who has earned the enmity of almost everybody on the jury, will give Porno an easier win. Why else would Porno want to get rid of Jan and Helen?
I hope by now that Saggy and Helen have exchanged notes about Porno's duplicity.
Tribal Council. Jury walks in. Helen dresses up nice, although that dress looks like something out of a bad 1980s soap opera. Her face, well, let's just say that if looks can kill, all three idiots in the Tribal Council will be multiply sodomized, mutilated, and ripped apart by now. When Helen and the Evil Penny exchange knowing glances, you know the Jury's Barbecue will be so brutal Richard Hatch will clutch at his testicles in fear. I can't wait.
Jan talks about missing Helen and putting a spoon in Helen's kratong. I'm sure Helen is very touched.
Porno is being very inept at this. He is still talking about diplomacy and trust and other nonsense when it no longer matters. He's the only one laughing at his unfunny joke.
Finally, Porno walks to the voting booth. Why not he just stand there and yell out Bray's name? What a waste of melodrama. "It's been my pleasure," he says, and with an easy stroke of the pen, consigns the stupid Hen to her just rewards.
Jan smiles, tells the other two freaks that she loves them, hugs and kisses Jeff on the cheeks, and walks out.
Bray thanks Porno, who nod graciously.
In her parting words, Jan says something about not wanting her students to quit. In context of her drinking, her not wanting to quit comes off as rather ominous.
Oh great. Midget or Porn? Who will win the money? Who will I root for?
How about I shoot the TV instead?
Night thirty-eight. A snake coils around a tree. Give it up, Burnetto. Nobody's going to be distracted by your documentary-hour distraction scenery chewings. Bray talks nonsense. Porno takes off his shirt. What a waste of hunk factor on a robotic slimeball.
Bray and Porno proceed to celebrate by taking their torches, lighting them up and buggering each other to the hilt with the flaming torches. Okay, I lied. But I'm not lying when I say they take their torches and burn their boat. Are they allowed to do that? I mean, it's not really their boat to burn, right? Bray says that he's done with water runs (not that he ever does any, that idiot) and starving. Freak. I hate him. I hate this show. I hate them all!
Sunrise. Magilla the Magic Monkey yawns. Crabs along the beach. Scenery chewing at its finest.
Bray bends over to complete Jan's calender. Speaking of that idiot woman, where's her kratong? Then again, these two men would probably pee over the kratong rather than to decorate it with beer bottles, so it's probably best they don't have to set up a memorial for Jan.
At the mirror, Porno is doing his manly strut and congratulating himself by talking to his reflection. This would be funny if I don't get this impression that the guy in the mirror may be the only guy that can get Porno to show any remotely human emotion. But no, he even talks to himself in that deadpan, too-contrived cheap used-car-salesman style that I wonder if he ever get out of that mode. He's a freak. I hate this show.
They pack up, leaving a mess behind. I think I should be glad they just burned the boat and not defecate all over the cave just out of spite. Bray says that he has suffered so badly on this island, ooh boo hoo, cry me a river nowshutupanddieyoufreak.
Magilla the Magic Monkey, up in the trees, rubs its eyes, crying tears of joy. Now may the more evolved and smarter primates reclaim the island once more and restore it to its former glory.
Porno says that he is not here for relationships, this game is dangerous - oh whatever. I've had it with this guy. I've had it with Bray. Can we move along and finish this show?
Tribal Council. The jury walk in in their finest glory, arms drawn, ready for the kill. Kill, kill, kill!
Midget and Porn Inc are invited to throw their sales pitch.
Bray is trying to pull a Richard Hatch. Basically he says that he lied, but so did the Jury, and the only difference is, he's here and they're there. Tough. He hopes they understand where he is coming from, this is nothing personal. Porno? Slime sucking leeches are more attractive than this guy. He first deflects the blame onto the Jury, telling them that he's a leader and he makes them warm (yes, warm) at night (I don't want to know) and he asks them to feel good knowing him.
I gape at this guy. Is he serious?
Please don't tell me he expects them to buy his positivity garbage?
Now it's the Jury to stick these two freaks on a spit and roast them.
Erin Boobavich is first. To my surprise, she asks a very good question: why should the other player not win a million dollars?
Porno talks the usual garbage about productivity (Bray doesn't do hs share). Uh, dude, you're talking to people like Helen, Saggy, and Fake who feel that they have done their share, and yet you still vote them out. Is this man insane or does he hold his audience so much in contempt that he believes they'd actually buy his bad salesman speak? He dances around the question, saying a lot but never actually saying anything. Freak!
Bray says simply in his defense that Porno is seen as a powerful king. If Porno is that powerful, he shouldn't worry so much about Bray.
Then comes Ken Doll. His caterpillar eyebrows are in full coccoon mode. Is it me or YMCA is playing in the background? Then he opens his mouth and everything goes downhill.
"I played the game with integrity." Excuse me, Ken Doll? Um, you lost dude, so this isn't about you. Just because you're a cop that doesn't mean you deserve to win. You are stupid enough to trust Penny, more stupid to ride on Fake's coattails without doing anything else, and yo, dude, you lost. Whatever integrity you have is nullified by your stupidity.
He grills Porno about that incident where Porno told him that Porno wanted Saggy out because of the Grindinggate incident. He asks Porno to recount that incident. Porno dances around it and Ken goes "Aha! So you lied!" and he all but breaks into a "Nyeh nyeh nyeh" taunt.
A waste of time. This moron is just out to stroke his own ego at Porno's expense. Do we care what Porno told Ken Doll? I mean, seriously, don't we know that Porno lied? Ken, shut up and slink back to Chippendale Hell where you belong, and take your ugly caterpillar eyebrows with you. Freak.
Then comes the Evil Penny. Earlier she is whispering to Helen. Probably it's something like "Helen, I won, right? This show is all about me, right?" Because that's what she does. She turns the Jury into a Penny From Hell Popquiz. Her rationale? She took the time to know the guys so the guys should know her too.
Porno doesn't know a thing about her, and it shows through his clumsy salesman speak. Bray however rattles on like a pro about the Evil Bitch's background, cheerleading aspirations, the day she joined the Heathers society, the day she burns down the local birth control and fertility clinic in her area, and who can forget the time when Glorious Penny leads the campaign to burn Teletubbies videos for encouraging queer lifestyle among preteens?
Penny, shut up.
Fake roasts Porno for talking about contribution while voting Fake out. Porno dances - uhs, ahs - and makes a fool of himself again. Has anyone been this inept before a Jury since Neleh? My estimation of his intelligence goes down the drain. Bray ups Porno again - he points out that Fake is trying to break Bray's own alliances, so that's why Bray voted him out. No hard feelings, we played our game, you lost, I win - sayonara.
Then comes Saggy. Then he accuses Bray of being racist. Huh? He calls Bray a Southern redneck hillybilly - can the chorus say "Amen"? - and says that he heard Bray say some nasty things about Saggy. Bray sputters and denies it, but I don't think Saggy's buying. Saggy is betrayed - BETRAYED! - by Porno and tells Porno that they have a friendship blah blah blah. He is more willing to give Porno a break.
Jan. Something about work ethics. Or something. Maybe it was who took care of Oscar/Orville while she was drinking herself into a stupor in the Loser Lodge. Either way, it's as asinine as her entire raison d'etre in this show. Next!
Helen is angry.
Helen is very angry.
"Well! We. Spend. 37. Days. Together..." She bites out every word. She got ripped. She got ripped! She is betrayed! Never mind that she betrayed Saggy, I'm all for Helen ripping a new one in both Bray and Porno, and boy, she does. She sounds like she really had a crush on Porno. "We had a thing," she spats just like a scorned woman. She says that she expects the betrayal from Bray, but Porno! Oh! She feels as if she's in a Julius Caesar play and she wants to exclaim to Porno, "Et tu, Brutus?" (Told ya she is sweet on that guy.) She then proceeds to call Porno "the epitome of a trashy used car salesman", driving the Jury into hysterics.
(Picture at this point we Giggles flailing on the couch laughing like insane hyenas.)
She's not done. Why, she snaps, did Porno flat-out lied to her the day she was being kicked out? Why didn't he have the guts to tell her in the face. Why? WHY? WHYYYYYY?
Porno deflects it by passing the blame on her (his famous style) - he says that Saggy and her in an alliance threatens him.
No, Helen corrects him. She told him everything Saggy told her, the loyal dimwit that she is. So why didn't he tell her straight? Why? WHY? WHYYYYYY?
Helen must be really into Porno big time to feel really this bitter. Oh, Helen, you are so glorious and funny when you are angry!
Porno uhms and aars some more but Helen isn't listening. She isn't even letting him get a word in. She continues to prattle on, casting aspersions on the two men's virility, calling Porno a liar and more, until Jeff, when he can stop laughing, asks Helen to let the poor man speak.
Creepy thing is, Porno is still talking in that same emotion-free monotone. This time he says that he is hurt too (repeating the same phrases she use on her - a good strategy employed by shrinks on more difficult patients) by her supposed betrayal so he must vote her out to show her that how much he is hurt. And he is sure that she is strong enough to bound back... oops, so she doesn't, but you know, Porno cared, Helen, he really cared.
Helen rolls up her eyes, but looks placated by his words. Oh Helen. You silly woman.
She then asks Bray three reasons why she should vote for him.
Bray flatly tells her that no answer will satisfy her, not when she's so angry, so he won't even try.
Good for him, really. But surely it has cost him a vote?
Time to vote.
In a shocking twist, all of them vote unanimously that Magilla the Magic Monkey is the new Survivor!
Erin votes for Bray, a more honest player, she claims. I agree with the Boobavich. Help me.
No shown chit-chat for Ken or Fake.
Saggy votes for Porno. It's an easy decision, he says. But Porno should have trusted him. Saggy feels sad for Porno's being messed up because of his lying and all. How nice, but Saggy, um, we're in a game called Survivor, not Mother Teresa's Boot Camp. Get off the high horse, you loser.
Evil Penny votes for "Clay!", that's Clay, underlined and with an exclamation mark. Am I supposed to care, Penny? I don't. Now get lost. Where's my glorious Helen?
No show for Jan either. She couldn't have anything to say that will be remotely interesting. If Penny is One Pence, Jan is One Brain Cell and Dying Fast.
I can't believe my dislike for One Brain Cell has become more intense than my venom for the Evil Penny. Still, Jan, you are an idiot! Idiot! Idiot! Idiot!
Then comes Helen. She votes for Porno. In the context of the game, she says, Porno is a worthy winner who worked hard and played them all well. What happened between them stayed between them, and she is voting for the best player in the game. That's Porno.
I agree, Helen, but come on, screw fair play - vote for Magilla, heck, even Jeff! Not Porno!
Jeff goes to "tally" the votes. Six seasons and he still isn't aware that he is using the "tally" word wrong. They're all idiots, I tell you.
Then he comes back and hey! How on earth did Porno's hair become so clean? And how did Bray put on ten million pounds in the blink of an eye?
"Live audience," my hubby tells me.
"Oh." Duh to me.
Now I know why Bray was bankrupt when he joined the game. He ate his restaurant out of business.
Anyway, yeah, Porno wins 4-3, with the Evil Penny, Erin, and Ken Doll voting for Bray. (I guess Fake prefers to believe Porno's stoking his ego rather than Bray's 'you played the game, you sucked at it, so you lost' answer.) Porno and Bray hug, and look, CC is here! Ohmigosh, it's CC! Yoohoo, CC! CC is crying in the audience and clapping wildly, her emotions as sincere as Anna Nicole Smith's on her wedding day. Quick, give me a tape measure. Is she 100 feet away from Porno like the restraining order stipulated? Let's arrest her live on TV.
Ken whisper to Porno. We didn't hear the deal that is finalized there and then, but my sources - unrealiable ones - tell me that we can expect Porno and Ken Doll to hit our adult video stores soon with a double-marque feature Survivor Bareback! and Arrest Me Officer, I Sold You A Bad Used Car and I Deserve To Be Spanked. I can't wait. Can you?
Bray overheards the deal and is not happy. "I won second place," he whines, pushing Ken Doll away. "I should be in the movie with Porno, not you, you ugly caterpillar-fur cheesy dimwit beefcake!"
Ken Dolls pushes him back, takes a swing, but hits Porno. Ow, Porno squeals as his barely healed nose gets a beating.
Mindful of the million dollars her ex-or-may-not-be-ex-hubby has just won and seeing the cruise to Fiji so close yet so far away, CC jumps into the fray and decks Ken Doll. Helen takes the opportunity to choke Jan the Hen while Penny looks around and finally decides to join in the fun by running up to Porno with her high heel raised high for the kill.
At that moment, the previous Losers are coming in for the reunion show. Shii Devil gives a powerful war cry and headbutts the Evil Penny. Tooollll's fingers clam around Bray's neck, and Erin Boobavich, wondering what is going on, accidentally knocks her powerful cement bombs against poor Pastor John, sending the man into a coma. Ghandia the Cow smacks Saggy, who smacks her back, and the TV screen turns into static, but not before we hear Jeff scream "Jan, put down that bottle, no - aaahhhh!"
Okay, I made everything after "Ken whispered to Porno" up. The reunion show is the best ever. Jeff is snarky and he gives everybody his attention (even Pastor John) and he asks relevant questions. Highlight? Stephanie's audition video and her transformation into Jennifer Aniston's clone, Tooollll's sexy hair and shaggable looks (I'm so ashamed), and Jeff's ogling Erin as the hot babe of the show. Uhm, how could he call Erin hot when there are Tanya and Stephanie in the same group? Erin doesn't have curves, her boobs are a serious case of comestic surgery gone wrong, and she is so dull that people have to start rumors that she is a transsexual on the Survivor Sucks boards (look for the "Dude. Erin? Dude!" thread) just to have something to talk about her. Then again, gossiplist.com did say that Jeff Proboscis is rumored and unfairly slandered to cruise transgender chatrooms trying to pick people up so you join the dots while I flee the lawyers wanting to sue me now.
Erin? No, you didn't break the big-breasted stereotype, unless we're talking about how big-breasted stereotypes can now be ugly too, like Erin.
Oh, and Helen's remarks that she will change her vote after seeing the show.
(Then Jeff confirms - she'll vote for Bray?)
"That'll be tough, sir!"
Ah, Helen, the true winner of this season as far as I'm concerned. Porno? He deserves to win, sure, but this show and the post-show interviews reveal that the man just cannot get out of his salesman mode. It makes me feel repulsed by him as much as I pity him in a way. I mean, look at him and his marriage and his emotional retardation exposed to everybody watching the show. He's the most unlikeable winner ever - nobody but Jan mingles with, much less hugs him, after the Reunion Show. Poor Porno - he won a million dollars, but he's exposed as the biggest loser of the show.