SURVIVOR

Thailand Episode 5: The Ocean's Surprise

You know, if Proboscis himself knocks on my door and then fell me with a sharp metallic object in the forehead, he couldn't have made me feel any worse than I did during this lethally dull episode of what is shaping up to be the worst Survivor ever. Yes, Survivor Africa is shaping up to be so much better than this cast of miserably stupid and loathsome lot. You'd think the Cow's departure will make things better, but Bray manages to become even more odious, Jan the Hen even more crazy, and don't get me started about Toolll the Biggest Freak Idiot of the Universe and his Cohorts of Stupidity in Soochee. If Burnetto have any mercy, he will pull the plug on this show and cast Jed the Abs in an hour-long striptease show for every week for the rest of the sorry season. Do I care who will win this thing? No. Tinky Winky can win and I still won't even care, I tell you.

The 12th night in Chewing Gum. Hah, I made a low-level IQ Shakespearence remark. Chewing Gum comes back from the Tribal Council where they booted the Cow on her sorry ass, and Bray can't wait to stuff his big lard ass and his entire wrinkly saggy torso into his own mouth. Why does Jan vote for her, but oh, since she's a woman and she's old, she must be manipulated by that sorry Cow, but don't worry, she's gone anyway, and I'm drilling holes in your skull, Bray, to form the word I AM AN ASS. Fool.

Jan knows she's dead. Right on, grandma.

Saggy Manboobs yawns like a bullmastiff's version of the Last Horn that signals the coming of the end of the world.

Helen muses that it's hard to vote the Cow away, but if that's what she has to do to stay, so be it. I guess we can soon expect her to poison the rest of her tribemembers.

Soochee, AKA the Worst Gathering of Low-lives in the Universe After LA, are sleeping. For a while, I thought I was looking at dead bodies and these people have starved, frozen, whatever to death during the night, and call me evil, but a chill of pure pleasure bursts through my heart. Then Ken Doll opens his eyes - in the camera it's glowing red and I tell you, color me shocked that he's Satan (not) - and I sigh in disappointment.

They slaughter a chicken. Jake boils it. Everyone stares at the pot with all the liveliness of soggy bread, except for Erin Boobavich who licks her lips like a deranged Cruela de Vil and Tooolllll who looks as if he wants to push Jake away and hump away at the burning pot. The chicken is so tasty, yummy yum yum, and Shii Devil rips apart and consumes the liver, gizzard, neck, and other yummy parts. As a fellow Chinese, I can tell you, hey, we Chinese people will eat anything that's legal and then some. But Toooollll, that big freak, calls Shii Devil disgusting and gross for eating with her hands (someone call Hilton and ask for spoons and forks!) and eating parts his xenophobic narrow-minded ass cannot comprehend. Hey, Tooolll, you asswipe, there is more to food than alcohol, LSD, and pizza, so shuck off and die. Shuck off and die.

Chewing Gum, and none too soon before I actually bash my head into the TV screen.

Bray picking for crabs. He's the biggest crab of them all. He's talking, but all I can pick up from him is, "I'm a fool, fool, fool, fool, fool, I'm a fool, I'm a fool, and yes, I'm a fool. Fool, fool, fool, fool, fool. Fool!"

Saggy Manboobs says something. I don't know. I only pick up, "I'm an ass, ass, ass, ass, I'm an ass, ass, ass, ass!" from this dumb big lug.

Porno and Saggy on a boat. Ted is leaning back, legs wide, Porno is in front. Viewed from the front, it looks like a giant shiny hippo whacking away at a scrawny hairy used car salesman's bum. There goes my dinner. Saggy is telling Porno how they are good friends and how they should stick together, and how that thing pressing on Porno's bum is only Ted's knee and nothing more. Okay, I made the knee thing up. They are all good friends and all. If this is the "surprising alliance" Burnetto hyped in the teaser of last week, Burnetto must have been suffering too from having to oversee the editing of the episodes. Porno and Saggy, a "surprising" alliance? Oh please.

Porno, however, reveals that he will say anything, do anything, just to stay ahead and advance. I knew it. Once a salesman, always slime. I know what the alliance is - Helen and Porno. They are secretly sabotaging everybody, Porno by making everyone lust after him and Helen waiting to garotte them, commando ninja babe style, while they're humpin' away between Porno's legs. Hey, anyone wants to hire me as an editor for the next Survivor? (That is, if the franchise can survive this painful season.) Helen and Porno are so getting married.

Soochee. Everyone is sitting and lazing around, like some reenactment of starving refugee camps in Somalia, only this time the cast are pretty, spoiled, whiny, and odious privileged brats who can't erect a tent to save their asses. Jake the Granpa is shirtless, and phwoar. He puts Bray the Asshat to shame. Erin Boobavich in bikini sauntering around the beach. Toooolllll raping the waves. Then Tooolll gives a holler - it sounds like "I'm the biggest freak of the universe, argh!" but I may have misheard a little - and sinks into the water.

"Is he dead?" hubby asks.

"Please, let him be dead," I say.

I hate all of these people on this stupid show.

Tooolll is stung by a jellyfish or a stingray. I will never eat stingrays or jellyfish again to honor these intelligent ocean friends of humankind. Who needs silly dolphins when we have stinging creatures going after the Toooollll?

Okay, so who's gonna do a Crazy Kathy pee-pee on Toooolll's bleeding ankle?

My husband suggested a potty alternative to pee-pee that is actually quite hilarious, although that will never be shown on TV.

It cracks me up that nobody seems to care that Tooolll is hurt. In fact, Erin Boobavich says that Toolll may be fatally poisoned in the same tone as you would use to reflect on the weather. Then again, it's the Tooollll we're talking about here. "Oh, Tooolll did what? Stuck his Tool Junior in the meat grinder and did what? Whatever. How's the weather in Timbuktu, dear?"

Then again, Erin's probably an idiot.

Tooolll is blubbering like a baby. An overgrown baby babboon, that is.

Shii Ann cracks a petty. More petty. And more petty.

Toooollll is not amused. If she has been stung like him, she'd know how much it hurts, he whines.

Uhm, everybody knows that it hurts, dear, just as it also hurts when we listen to you, look at you, have to endure your presence, and even breathe the same air as you. Blessed be the snark of the Shii Devil - bring it on, lady, bring it on until the Toooollll explodes from frustration!

Jake dips Toooolll's injured leg in warm water. The water turns green. (I make that up, the green thing.)

Penny is talking. Uh, who is she again? How did she get on this show, and how come I never saw her or heard her before? She is talking, but all I can hear is, "I'm boring, I'm boring, I'm boring, I'm boring, and oh yeah, I look like Neleh Oh-my-heck's malnourished ugly twin sister."

Chewing Gum. Night thirteen. Goodness, has just one day passed?

They are all high on something, because Helen is singing. There goes my love. People, you shouldn't sing or rap on reality show unless you're Teresa "Coffee, Tea, Or Me?" of Survivor Africa. It's odious. I'm in pain already without you all adding to it. And oh yeah, screw you too.

Saggy Manboobs, always the smart one, has tied their boat, Big Betsy, to what looks like some blades of grass growing out from the seaside. Needless to say, the boat moves away, glug, glug, glug, kapoof!

This, people, is how Camp Einstein loses their boat.

My husband suspects that the camera crew deliberately sinks the boat. I suspect Porno of abetting Ted to tie the boat to that stupid reed thing, because I doubt anyone can that stupid without assistance. Oh what the heck, we Giggles don't care, as long as these idiots starve and roll around in pain just like we are heavily popping in aspirins and enlarging our livers by drinking too much alcohol, anything to dull our pain.

Morning. No boat.

"Ah." That's Saggy Manboobs.

Porno shows up in his fugly hirsute bare-chestness, his shorts drooping so low as to expose the glorious arches that will surely lead to the gates of heaven. I sigh dreamily. We all have to take what little religious enlightenment from our dreary existence, after all.

Bray asks what they are to do with no boat.

Mass hara-kiri will be nice.

"Ah." That's Saggy Manboobs. Again.

Helen is shocked.

Jan the Hen is shocked.

Saggy says that the rope isn't tied strong enough. I know. The first lil' pig's straw house wasn't tied together strong enough too. Porno walks in wearing short black shorts.

Everyone seems happy again as they wade into the sea. I don't blame them. Porno makes me happy too. Maybe they can forget about winning, move back to the caves, and let Porno service them all until Burnetto calls the Red Berets to drag them home a month later.

I hate this show.

Saggy Manboobs talks to a squirrel. Or something. I don't want to know. That man's an idiot.

The next day. Bray talks. "I'm an ass, etc."

Jan calls and waves around from the beach. (The others are in the water, and no, there is no piranha infestation to kill them all, alas.) She has money. They call at her, she screams back in her Geriartic Cabbage Patch Female Chuckie Doll Voice something, but all I hear are "I'm a high-pitched idiot! An idiot! A high-pitched idiot in ugly bikini! An idiot! High-pitched idiot!"

Everyone goes to what Proboscis calls the Survivor Lodge. Each tribe is given a thousand bucks, so now they can play auction on American food. After all, never mind that we are in Thailand, these ugly, stupid xenophobe Americans just want burgers and pizza. Oh, and a million dollars. Ken Doll and Saggy Manboobs get down to business, and to sum up, Soochee gets sundae, sprouts, and enough hamburgers and fries to make me hope that they will drop dead from atherosclerosis soon. Chewing Gum gets nachos and margarita and meat-ball spaghetti.

Proboscis hates them, by the way. He can barely hold back his contempt when he mocks Sochee for not eating the sprouts. I know, these people are starving and hungry, but look, sprouts, food, let's eat... wait, sprouts are so not nice, so let's keep starving, yeah. These people really are disgusting. Give them the snark, Probby!

That night, Soochee. Everyone's asleep. Stephanie tends to the fire. Erin says that she feels good. Stephanie passes bananas to everybody. Penny says that Stephanie is trying to fit in. Stephanie says that she is not the lovey-dovey kind and people starving are assholes. I don't what she's talking about, and yeah, this is another exciting report on the really scintillating going-ons in the Tribe called Stoopid.

Chewing Gum.

Jan is screeching. "I'm a high-pitched idiot, etc."

Porno doesn't want to vote Jan the Hen out but he has to, et cetera.

Helen and Porno swim to get water. I bend over, hoping for some strategizing or conspiracy, but all Porno tells Helen is that they must win this immunity challenge. He spits on the ground, but Helen doesn't notice him making the lovey-dovey (if rather too crass and obvious) body function metaphor thing for "Let's shag!", so the poor lovestruck Porno is left to stare after his dominatrix mistress in heartbroken longing. Hah, reap your own mojo, Porno, here is a woman you can never master the way you mastered all the others! Bwahahahaha!

Yes, I'm making things up, but indulge me. This episode is so boring it makes rigor mortis simply exciting in comparison.

Immunity. At last! At last! I swear, my house brighten by a few degrees at the sight of Proboscis again. After this show, hubby and I will rewatch a few episodes of Scrubs and feel good mojo all over again.

Proboscis is so trying to hold back his contempt. His face, his language, his tone - ouch.

The contest? To separate fish and squids in a big tank into three smaller tanks according to species. It soon turns into a match to see who can stuff more fish into their mouths - Steph, Jan, or Saggy Manboobs. I look forward to a mass cholera outbreak in the next episode.

Chewing Gum wins. Jan is the happiest, unsurprisingly, as she jumps, praises the lord, hops around, and acts like a lunatic. Fugly Bray, however, doesn't even let the dead woman walking hold the immunity idol, instead putting it on his head so that he resembles a fat, out-of-shape Anubis. Moron.

Soochee is contemplating who to evict. Jake and Shii Devil bond. Erin tells Tooollll she will vote for Shii Ann. Later, she votes for Stephanie instead. I wonder what game she is playing.

Tribal Council. Jeff unleashes it out bad, I actually laugh at the way he makes the Soochee squirm. "Bro?" His barely veiled contempt towards Tooollll's massacre of the English language is worthy feat of a true hero. I will never make fun for your sad VJ past or your tacky khaki outfits again, I swear.

Voting time.

Toooollll votes for Shii Ann. "I don't like you. You get on my nerves, it's not personal." Huh? This, people, is the ultimate proof that this guy is a freaking idiot, period. No, idiot doesn't cover it - try a grotesque idiot.

Stephanie gets the cut, despite having a shared look of pure evil with Tooollll when it seems that she and Shii Ann will be tied. As it turns out, only she and Toooolllll vote for Shii Ann. Everyone else kicks Stephanie out on her sorry ass. Bye, you lifeless, icy bitch, now go suck your thumb and sit in the corner with your fellow antisocial buddy Jed.

"Good luck guys. Watch your back," she tells them as she walks out.

Does that mean that she will now lurk around the woods like a crazy guerilla to sabotage her tribe members?

The tribe departs. It's the shortest Tribal Council ever, not that I blame Proboscis, whose face shows how much he wants them out of his sight.

It's over.

Before YouTube, recapping music videos is totally a thing and not a waste of time. Really..

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