SURVIVOR

Palau Episode 3: Dangerous Creatures and Horrible Setbacks

Previously, Jeff W and Kim played snugglebunnies and for some reason, the collision of two vapid egos result in an Ashlee-Kim tizzy where the Ulongites are split into a voting chasm with Stephenie, Angie, and Jumbles on one side and Jeff W, Ibrehem, and Bobby Jon on the other side. Or is that? In the end, Ashlee asked to be voted off because she didn't want to remain so everyone agreed to vote her off, except for Ibrehem who voted for Kim because he felt that he owed Ashlee some loyalty. This week, who will bail out on this show? Stay tuned.

Credits. Go crazy for me, Bobby Jon. Give 'em hell!

Night, day six, Camp Ulong. The Ulongites have returned without Angie. Stephenie tells the camera that she thinks the tribe should stop losing challenges. She thinks? At this point in time, she'd better have that etched in stone and have that stone hammered into the skulls of everyone else in the tribe. She talks to Jeff W about how she feels that Probby was being unduly harsh on them during the Tribal Council. I don't think he is harsh as much as he is bored with his job and secretly disgusted inside at how the Survivors of each season become more and more inept that they make the first generation Survivors come off like triumphant Livingstonian heroes. Back to the camera, Stephenie muses that if she and her allies have chosen to vote for Kim, Kim would still be around as the voting pattern at the Tribal Council had her realizing that Kim and Jeff W aren't as strong as she initially suspected. Back to the camp, Kim whines that she thinks she shouldn't snuggle with Jeff W anymore because people may think that they are, you know, allies or something. Stephenie sarcastically tells her that she can't believe how Probby called Kim and Jeff W out as a couple. Kim, oblivious to Stephenie's barely concealed dry disdain, earnest agrees with her. Yeah! Just because she and Jeff W snuggled and did who-knows-what-else, that doesn't mean that they, you know, like each other! Is this where I say that for a good and uncomplicated snuggle-bunny session and lots of good time, call Kim?

Kim's soulmate in total idiocy, Jeff W, happily tells the camera about how brilliant he is in using that "snuggling for warmth" excuse in the Tribal Council to deflect Probby's attempt to portray Kim and he as a couple. Carry on, Jeff W. Those howls of laughter? That's just people like me being happy because we are so relieved to come across a hunky Survivor with brains to boot. No, we aren't laughing at you. Honestly, we aren't. Now, you were saying?

Back at camp, Kim is now going on and on about intrusion on her privacy. Personally, I do have my doubts about having much privacy when I sign on to be on a show where the cameras are on me every single second, but what do I know? Kim and Jeff W are the rocket scientists here, obviously, not me. Kim tells the camera that she doesn't want people to have the wrong ideas about Jeff W and her. Yes, that's fair. We don't want people to believe that she and Jeff W are cuddling and petting because they are in love, oh no. We should understand that they are just transient shagbunnies. Instead of writing that on a postcard and mailing it to her friends and families, she prefers instead to have a show-and-tell on a TV show with a man who has obviously no penis.

Jumbles in the camera states the obvious: Kim and Jeff W aren't fooling anyone in their "oh, we're just cold, honestly (that is why Jeff W is so small, by the way - it's the shrinkage factor - honest!)" nonsense. He theorizes that Jeff W and Kim will be "making out" by next week. Or as he puts it, "sucking face and stuff". He blames everything on Kim though, saying that Kim is using her "sexuality" to play Jeff W. Because it is impossible that a man will choose to use his own physical charms to advance in this game, just like how Burtman didn't initiate that half-charming, half-creepy quasi-love affair thing with Scoutmarm Lil back on Pearl Islands to keep her dancing to his song. Men are victims to a woman's sexuality and they have no brains to resist a woman that they shouldn't play with, oh no. Jumbles once more insists that Kim must go.

Day seven, Camp of Horrors. Mighty Tom looks up as it begins to rain and says philosophically that they are, at least, getting a chance to shower. Or as he puts it, at least people are "getting wet" at night. He really shouldn't say suggestive things like that to me. I have a weak heart and I go into shock too easily. Anyway, it turns out that their shelter isn't the greatest and it certainly doesn't keep the Horrors warm and dry when it rains. Meanwhile, Cobb talks about how being a team is good but then again, they have to deal with people they don't like if they are in team. Which, I guess, is his way of saying that being a team needs not be good all the time. Or something. By the way, he has a heavier beard in his confessional than in the scenes of him around the camp, so this confessional obviously takes place later into the season and is inserted here out of sequence. The editors of this show are obviously asleep on the wheel.

Cobb's confessional is an introduction to the obligatory Women Hating Women showcase that every Burnetto show must have. Women Hating Women is up there with Psychotic Lazy Black People as one of the predictable ingredients in a Burnetto production. Caryn doesn't like Katie, calling Katie in her confessional "tart" and complaining that Katie is always complaining about something. Caryn then proceeds to unload the many things she has to say to Katie about Katie having many things to say about everything. Caryn tells Katie to stop telling her what to do anymore because Caryn wants Katie to understand that Caryn doesn't like bossy people so Katie can shut up, thank you. And before Katie can ask whether she'll be the pot or the kettle in the whole "We're Black Although We Aren't African Americans" show, Caryn just stomps off in a huff. To the camera, Katie says that she is minding her own business when Caryn comes up to her and goes off on her. She thinks that Caryn has lost "it" and gone "crazy". She tries to approach Caryn to discuss about their problems but Caryn is having none of that. Of course, Caryn tells the camera that Katie doesn't want to talk to her anymore after Caryn's telling her off and she is fine with that, yes indeedy. She then goes on to say that she is aware that being confrontational can get one booted off on this show but she says that she has to say what she feels should be said.

By this point, the show realizes that the Stupid People Show needs a time-out before my head explodes so it's now time for the Reward Challenge. Probby waits for the mighty Horrors and the embarrassing Ulongites to file into the beach and then uses a little toy that costs the show 90% if its budget to bring up a life ring out there in the water. Teams will have to fight to bring that life ring back to their designated spots on the water. They can do anything to get that life ring except punching other people in the face. That's sensible, or we'll end up with these people beating each other bloody while the life ring floats unhindered towards the Philippines. Probby helpfully reminds everyone that it probably doesn't pay to put out an eye or break another person's nose because they may end up on the Jury. Think of the money and pull back the punches, that sort of thing. Alas, instead of a free-for-all brawl like I am hoping for, Probby reveals that the contest will take place on a one-on-one basis, man versus man, woman versus woman. The first tribe to win three matches win... a sewing kit and fabric to use with the kit. And I'm sure we are all grateful that these people are going to be covering up their abs, perky boobs, taut behinds, and other disgusting examples of nudity on this show, right, people? Shall we start a petition for Burnetto to give these Survivors hair suits and chastity belts?

Caryn and Willard sit out for the Horrors and the brawl begins. Tom versus Jeff W. Tom gets the ring, puts it around his waist, and Jeff W drags Tom and the ring to the Ulong turf. Score one for Ulong. Not bad, Jeff W. Next, J Lyo and Stephenie. Yes, there is a J Lyo on this show. I'm sure she will say something one of these days, like she's a good friend of Darrah from Pearl Islands and Butch from the Amazon and how she'll end up in the Final Four because nobody remembers her long enough to vote her out. Probby says that it is a cat fight when Stephenie and J Lyo giggle and splash each other. Ten seasons down and Probby is becoming more and more desperate to beat Joe Rogan in being a loud, obnoxious Neanderthal. I wonder why. Maybe it is a long-running bet between the both of them. J Lyo gets the ring and Stephenie drags her and the ring to the Ulong turf. Two for Ulong.

Bobby Jon and Angie versus Gregg and Jonu. Angie goes berserk, proving that she and Bobby Jon make a good pair when it comes to crazies gone crazier and no doubt unleashing all her pent-up angers, as she grabs Jonu and dunks her before going for Gregg. I'm hoping for her to start screaming "You hate me, you all hate me, this is for mommy, DIE BITCHES, DIE!" but alas, Angie is not at that stage yet. Maybe one day. As Angie goes wild on Jonu and Gregg, Bobby Jon drags everyone to the Ulong turf. Three points for Ulong and mad respect for the crazies. So the tribe with Jeff W and Ibrehem will get to cover up those tight abs and broad shoulders. Thanks, Burnetto! Next time, just cast some llamas and camels on the show, okay?

Bobby Jon is once more overemphasizing Angie's worth to the tribe like he did in the last episode, but at least now I have an inkling into his motivation. They are both soulmates. They are both crazy people. They will watch American Beauty together before pouring pig's blood over the gymnasium of their old high schools and making menacing prank calls to everyone who has made their life miserable in school. Back to Bobby Jon, he is enthusiastic about using the sweing kit to make "garments", but he gets frustrated when his tribemates don't get to work straight away. He says that he is a pro-active self-reliant guy so he gets exasperated with his tribemates' lackadaisal attitude. He decides to use the needles and threads to make a fish hook so that he can catch some fish. I think nature is trying to tell him - and me - something when he ends up catching a puny little fish with his new fish hook.

Meanwhile, the others just lay on the beach. Stephenie muses that maybe they should just lie on the beach and do nothing, as if they aren't already doing that already. Kim compares to the people lying on the beach to a pile of dead bodies. The thing is, she's trying to be funny. Oh well. Bobby Jon says that he is disgusted by how his tribemates just sit on their asses when there are things to be done around the camp. But he is smart enough not to make a fuss about that, instead he'd just do those things himself. That's the way to go about doing it, really, making life comfortable for oneself without needlessly antagonizing oneself. As he goes to get the tribe some coconuts, Kim watches him and says that Bobby Jon is working too hard. She suspects that he's just trying to "cement" his place in the tribe and predicts that Bobby Jon will be of no use if he "crashes and burns" in two weeks. I am fascinated with this imbecile. She seems to be absolutely incapable of expressing anything that is even remotely intelligent.

Over at the Camp of Horrors, there are poisonous sea snakes afoot! This camp is aptly named. What's next, zombies? Anyway, apparently someone spotted a sea snake recently among some rocks so it's up to the Horror Hunk Haute, namely Ian, Tom, and Gregg, to catch this snake and kill it without prejudice. Tom talks about how they are going to pin this snake down and chop off its head while Gregg tells the camera that people will fall into a coma and still die of excruciating pain from a bite of a sea snake. Okay, whoever it is that puts the sea snake into the tribe's camp area, I appreciate the gesture but you have the wrong tribe. It's the other tribe where nearly all the idiots there should go into a coma and finally shut up. Anyway, despite brawny Tom and rugged Gregg's big talk, it is up to skinny Ian to deliver the coup de grace on the snake. Katie and J Lyo are watching the scene and Katie says that she finds it amusing that Ian keeps apologizing to the snake while he hacks the snake's head to gory pieces. Ian tells the camera, after he has hacked the snake's head into mush, that he is an animal lover so he doesn't want to kill the snake in cold blood (no pun intended). Gregg decides that they can go home after killing one snake but the other two men decide that they will not stop until all the snakes are gone from Palau and the natives will make them a saint like how those Irish made a saint out of that guy that drove out all the snakes from there. The snakes have nowhere to flee from the mighty hatchets of the three men, so at the end of the day, it's snake head stew for dinner! Or maybe not. Hmm. Tom concedes that what the men had done might be dangerous but hey, he's the man to do dangerous things! Oh, and of course, have fun while he's at it.

The men bring the snake carcasses back to camp, so maybe my snake head stew conjecture may just happen. But they realize that the blood from the carcasses will draw some sharks towards the shore. No, they don't want to dispose of the snake carcasses or do anything that sensible - they will try and use those snake carcasses as bait to get them some sharks! The sharks aren't of the Jaws variety, which makes this plan less foolhardy than it seems, but the sharks aren't waiting to be caught either, as the men learn after some time of futile fishing. Still, Tom vows that one day he will have shark steak for dinner. Oh stop that, silly man! I'm really trying not to be drawn into liking this hunky reliable guy because I know he is going to be everyone's target should he makes it past the merge but he is making it so hard on me to stay aloof against his charms.

Night. Jeff W goes out to answer the call of nature, mistakes a coconut on the ground for his testicle, and twists his ankle. He tells the camera that his ankle has given him problems in the past and hopes that this injury won't hold him back from the game. Hey, being a useless, bitter cripple helped propelled Scout into the Final Three in Vanuatu, so who knows, maybe this will be Jeff W's ticket to a million bucks!

Day eight, Ulong. Bobby Jon has created some garments from the sewing kit and hangs them up to, er, inspect them, I guess. Jeff W walks past and compares them disparagingly to diapers. To be fair, he could do a lot worse like calling them Scoutmarm Lil's missing granny panties. Jeff W "jokes" to Bobby Jon that he'd ask if Bobby Jon wants his help but then again, he doesn't want to help anyway so... It's quite funny, really, because Bobby Jon might just be the one to help Jeff W stitch up his ankle since Jeff W doesn't do girly stuff like sewing and all that. His ankle does look bad. Jeff W says that he is hoping that he can be a physical asset to his tribe (not just to Kim, that is) but when Bobby Jon brings back the tree-mail and the Ulongites get the impression that it will involve swimming, carrying, and more. He just hopes that he can do all he can to carry the tribe to the end. And what fine job of carrying he has done so far, if I may say so.

Probby awaits the two tribes at yet another beach for the Immunity Challenge. He takes back Monroe the Immunity Idol and pretends to care enough to ask about Jeff W's ankle. Unluckily for Jeff W, today's Challenge involves a tribe being tied up together and each member will carrying twenty pounds of sand on his or her back. Two tribes will start moving around in an oval course in a manner that it will seem like both tribes are chasing for each other's tail. In a way, this is what they will be doing: the first tribe where the person at the front of the line touches the person at the back of the line of the other tribe wins Monroe. If anyone in the tribe decides that he or she can't go on, this person can drop out of the race but this person must then pass the bag of sand to the person in front. J Lyo and Janu sit out for the Horrors and then Probby gives the signal for the Survivors to go.

Unsurprisingly, Jeff W quickly drops out on Ulong, passing his bag to Bobby Jon. Soon, Caryn drops out on Horror, passing her bag to Tom. In quick succession, Willard drops out (passing his bag to Gregg), followed by Kim (Bobby Jon), Angie (Jumbles), Katie (Ian). So we have left in the two lines that aren't making much headway in approaching each other's tail, on the Ulong line Ibrehem, Bobby Jon, Stephenie, and Jumbles while on the Horror line Tom, Ian, Gregg, and Cobb. Cobb starts to struggle and looks unhappy about it, and despite Tom asking him to "dig deep" soon has to drop out and pass his bag to Ian. Ian already has his own bag along with Katie's so he quickly hands Katie's bag to Tom's, who now has five bags on his back. Elsewhere, Willard has to pour some water onto Cobb because the poor man has fainted.

Hours - how many, I'm not sure, but it seems like many - pass as the sun shines down relentlessly. Tom the Mighty instructs his troop of three to pick up the pace. At this point, Bobby Jon looks like he's going to break under the weight of three bags on his back. When Jumbles drop out, giving Bobby Jon an extra twenty pounds to the sixty he is already carrying, he... oh dear. But Bobby Jon runs like a madman, I'd give him that, and if Tom isn't such a freaking superhero with a hundred pounds on his back and still packing a punch, he might have stood a chance. In the end, the Horrors end the flagging Ulong's misery when Ian at the front of the Horror line touches Ibrehem at the back of the Ulong line.

The Horrors give Tom the Mighty a hero's celebration, as they should, as Probby hands Monroe to them. As for the Ulongs, they know what to expect at the end of tonight.

Back at the Ulong camp, intrigue - or what passes of it - starts to fly. Stephenie, Ibrehem, and Bobby Jon, united at last after Ashlee's boot, discuss the value of a weak Jeff W versus that of Kim. The consensus leans towards Jeff W, for obvious reasons. As Bobby Jon says, he'd rather "feed" someone who is willing to contribute instead of someone who doesn't even try to contribute. Angie and Bobby Jon are now discussing intrigue. By the way, her nipple is showing. How do I know? The ever helpful pixel patch draws my eye there. I tell you, if they haven't bother with pixels, I won't even notice and my pure virginal eyes will remain unsullied. Damn those pixels! Bobby Jon presents the boot-Kim argument to Angie, but Angie is doubtful. In her confessional, she thinks that Kim will start to do some work if Jeff W is gone. How she comes to such a conclusion, I have no idea.

To prove Bobby Jon's point, the show cuts to Jeff W whacking open some coconuts using one hand (holding a machete, of course, because Jeff W isn't that strong) and one blow. Kim, in the meantime, is watching him and flirting with him. Bobby Jon and Angie are watching those two and Bobby Jon brings up one more time about how Kim is useless and therefore deserves to be booted. Angie just says, "We'll see."

Jeff W asks Jumbles to vote him off. Jumbles says that he'd rather not and adds that he believes that Jeff W is offering himself up for elimination to protect someone else. Jeff W tries to smile enigmatically (he is not good at that, he only looks pretentious), as if for once I can believe that he is so magnanimous a person. Meanwhile, Kim wonders to the camera what everyone around her is talking about. Why, they are talking about the tribe imbecile, of course. Who can that be, I wonder?

Night, Tribal Council. Probby fires off that the Ulongites must be tired of seeing him. Translation: he wants a new job that pays as well as his current one. They discuss Tom the Mighty, where Bobby Jon makes it clear without saying it outright that he longs so dearly to be out of this tribe and be among the manly men of Horrors. Ibrehem insists that the Ulongites lost because Jeff W's ankle held him back so the Ulongites were one man short compared to the Horrors. Jeff W announces that he is a team player all his life and now that he doesn't feel like he can contribute as much as he is just holding them back, he wants to be voted off. Kim announces that she is finding it hard to live among a tribe of "workaholics". As usual, she has no clue that she has just announced to everyone within earshot that she is a lazy, useless fool. And then she whines about how unfair it is that the strongest kick out the weakest, although as usual she offers no reason as to why she is worth keeping other than she'll be a strong player in a different tribe. Can someone translate moron-speak for me because I swear she has just admitted out loud that she doesn't belong in a tribe of workaholics, she doesn't like this tribe, and she'd jump ship at the earliest opportunity. I have never seen an outright moron like her who keeps digging her own grave every time she opens her mouth.

Jumbles and Bobby Jon toss Kim their votes while Jeff W takes the opportunity to release some steam by voting for Jumbles. Stephenie, Ibrehem, Angie, and Kim send votes to Jeff W, however, and that is enough to send Jeff W to Loser Lodge feeling like a triumphant martyr. Probby pretty much tells the Ulongites to do something to stop the rot in their tribe before sending them back to camp. And Jeff W is still carrying on like a martyr in his final words before telling Ulong to beat Horror. He is such a tiny weenie in so many ways. While we're at Ulong's Great Plan to Take Horror To The Cleaners, the Ulongites can get rid of Kim, for starters.

Before YouTube, recapping music videos is totally a thing and not a waste of time. Really..

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