SURVIVOR

Guatemala Episode 7: Surprise Enemy Visit

Previously, it was double Tribal Council time where Nookum predictably got rid of Margaret, who had never found the will to pretend that she liked anybody else after they turned on Brooke, and Yowza got rid of Brian, who tried a little too hard to be more clever than he really was in the game. Judd was an asshole of gigantic proportions, Stephenie and Jamie continued to grate, and there seemed to be no limit to Bobby Jon's ability to stump me with his incoherent ways with words. Because this will be very important in this episode, Amy twisted her ankle again. Ouch. It's the same ankle that she twisted previously. Double ouchie. What will happen in this episode? But first, let's watch the credits.

Night, day fifteen. The Nookums return from Tribal Council where I'm subjected to the odious scene of Judd gloating over Margaret's departure. He is now convinced that his bite is "bigger" than his bark, whatever that means, and that Margaret deserved to go because she pushed his buttons. Funny, here I am thinking that it's the other way around and he went out of his way to make her miserable. He goes on to talk about how he put Margaret in her place in the previous Tribal Council. Yes, I can see that. Margaret was practically running from the Tribal Council with her tail between her legs, I tell you, ashamed because Judd is so, so right. Judd tell the others that Margaret couldn't play the tribe mother after the reshuffle so she was "devastated" as a result. If she was devastated, why then was she pushing his buttons, as he claims? Does Judd know what he is saying? I don't think so. This season, with the likes of Bobby Jon, Brandon, and Judd, is starting to stupefy me.

Lydia tells the camera that she's just glad that "this" is over and done with. All she has to do is to now go back under the radar and pray that she doesn't get in the line of fire. She's lucky that the tribe reshuffle made her useful to Stephenie and Jamie when it comes to the game of numbers. Judd, meanwhile, is still unable to let go of his bizarre Margaret obsession, saying that he will have the last laugh when he hauls his ass to the bank while she is at home making chicken wings. He does remember that she is a nurse while he is a fat loser doorman stuck in a job that will take him nowhere, right? Judd also insists that he is not some "loose cannon", apparently because he only goes crazy at Tribal Councils. Judd won't be so happy to know that there is only one member on the Judd Love Boat and that is Judd himself. Jamie tells the camera that he expects Judd to keep blowing up and therefore Judd is the ideal person to take to the Final Two since nobody would vote for him. Needless to say, Jamie needs Judd more than anyone else because after Judd, Jamie is easily the most obnoxious and arrogant person on the show.

Day sixteen, morning. At Camp Yowza, Bobby Jon, Amy, and Brandon start displaying the wounds and sores they receive during the previous Challenge to each other. They are not being gross, of course, it's just that there are no mirrors out here and they can only ask other people to tell them how bad the wounds are. And really, they look awful, these wounds, and I'm sure infection would set in unless they get their hands on some disinfectant and clean bandages soon. Brandon hopes that his "open, festering sores" won't hold him back in the upcoming Challenges.

Speaking of Challenges, it's time for the Reward Challenge. Probby awaits the Survivors in a clearing and once the Survivors are here, points out that Margaret is gone from Nookum while Brian is gone from Yowza. No one seems really surprised by these developments. For this particular Challenge, Probby explains that there are giant spools acting like poles along a dirt track. A tribe member has to walk to the first spool and then wrap himself with the mummy-bandage like material. He then goes over to the second spool, where another tribe member is waiting, and they will both wrap themselves in more mummy bandages, with the second person wrapped up onto the wrapped up first person. The third person waiting at the next spool will do the same, wrapping himself up to the wrapped up second person who is wrapped up to the wrapped up first person. Get it? Four tribe members will do this, making their own version of those Russian dolls where you take apart one doll to find another doll inside. The fifth tribe member will help in the wrapping process and to move the wrapped-up members if necessary. And then, they will have to unwrap themselves. The first tribe to complete this task wins chocolates as well as a zipline tour of the area - a perfect combination for toilet disasters.

Nookum sits out Judd, Amy will be the person to direct and help in Yowza and Jamie will do the same for Nookum. Everyone is now ready to begin. Stephenie and Lydia make a mistake in getting wrapped up face to face, which makes movement difficult, while Brandon and Gary prefer to do it with Gary's front squished against Brandon's back. Gary's an ex-footballer, he's of course used to pressing against another man's behind. Ooh, Bobby Jon joins in the safran heaven that is Gary and Brandon all wrapped up and it's like a nice Christmas present if these men aren't so smelly and dirty and skinny and if they have bathed first before they get wrapped up. Anyway, eventually Yowza lose control of their wrapping up thingie and Nookum looks like the wrapped-up mess will fall apart too. Fortunately both tribes manage to hold up long enough for the fourth person to be wrapped up. Now it's unwrapping time. Here, Yowza's effort to make sure that their wrapped-up members are arranged back-to-front pays off because the unwrapped members don't have to waste time coordinating themselves. The Yowzas all run to the finish line first while the messy Nookums have to waste precious minutes trying not to stumble or fall over while unwrapping themselves. Nookum loses and Probby tells them that they suck before sending the happy Yowzas to their merry ways.

The Yowzas have fun with the zipline and some drama is to be had from Amy overcoming her fear of heights. With so much screentime on her, I'm sure we all know who will most likely be going at the end of the episode. And it's off to pigging on chocolates they go. They are given a lot of chocolate. There are chocolate-covered strawberries, chocolate bars, chocolate cookies, and even chocolate cake. Bobby Jon calls the feast "Chocolatefest". He's an imaginative one, that man, and always so eloquent too. I love chocolate but I know I won't enjoy eating so much chocolate in one go. The Yowzas can't finish everything that is laid out before them so they decide to take the leftovers back with them. As they do, Brandon hopes aloud that he can hold down the chocolate he has eaten. Ugh.

Day seventeen. At Camp Nookum, Rafe has made a card game for everyone to play from leaves. I think they're playing Uno. Stephenie explains to Jamie how to play - apparently he has to place the stems of the leaves at the bottom or something. Won't it be easier to play musical chairs, people? However, at that very moment there is a boatful of Yowzas approaching the camp. Oh no, is there going to a raid? Not exactly. It's Danni's birthday so the Yowzas decide to invite the Nookums over for what Danni calls a "little pool party". Gary says that he is not going to get involved if Bobby Jon and Jamie get into another of those bizarre penis-measuring contests that they have going on. Bobby Jon insists that he is too "mature" to sink down to Jamie's level. He'd rather wave his legs in the air at his rival's face, that's all. The Nookums arrive at Camp Yowza and calls out to the Yowzas. Jamie and Judd however are unwilling to accept the Yowzas' invitation, saying that the other tribe are now their enemies. They do know that the merge is near, right? Stephenie is more amenable to partying with the enemies however and tries to persuade those two to join the others. EVentually the Nookums go along with the Yowzas, but not before Cindy announcing that she doesn't want to play their "silly little games".

Before they paddle to Camp Yowza, Danni explains that there would be fun by the pool and party treats as well. Gary promises that there would be no game talk. The Nookums get into the boat to paddle after the Yowzas, but along the way Cindy grumbles non-stop about how unnecessary this party is and how she is going along because she doesn't want to look like the odd person out. Strange, isn't it, because Cindy is currently the odd person out in Nookum and I would expect her to be glad to see her old tribemates again. Since she's complaining to the camera, it's not like she's pretending to be loyal to the new Nookum in front of her other tribemates. So what gives, Cindy?

At Camp Yowza, Danni brings out the leftover chocolates, which must be a messy goo by now since there is no refridgeration in camp, and everyone parties by the pool. Judd strips down to his white undies and I'm sure I could have lived a long and happy life without seeing that. Bobby Jon tells the camera that the day is all about "fellowships". That makes Judd the Gollum then? Jamie, however, sulks by the pool, intent on spying on Amy and Gary and gets suspicious when he thinks that Stephenie is getting along too well with the Yowzas. This causes some ill will between him and Stephenie when they get ready to leave the party later. She says that she doesn't like how he abruptly announced that he'd like to leave and calls his behavior "shady". He snaps back that he'll be friends with the others after the game is over. To the camera, he complains that the party went too long and he didn't like how his tribemates were so friendly with the enemies. But this is Survivor, where it's a social game more than a physical one, and if Jamie doesn't understand that he needs to have some friends on the Jury to make it to the end, he's a dead man walking. Stephenie assures him that Jamie and her are still sticking with the plan but he doesn't seem placated. Stephenie tells the camera that she doesn't understand Jamie sometimes and predicts some clashes between them in the future.

Day eighteen, camp Yowza. Bobby Jon is using his open wound to attract minnows in the water and using his mouth to catch these minnows. If Bobby Jon ever gets a date again after this show, he can count himself a very fortunate fellow. Elsewhere, Gary and Amy are discussing the fact that should their tribe loses at the upcoming Immunity Challenge, it's obvious that one of them would go and they would have to fight really hard to stay in the game. Gary says that Danni, Bobby Jon, and Brandon are a tight alliance of three and they are targetting Amy instead of him. Somehow, the conversation shifts to Gary and Amy threatens to expose him and track him down if she ever learns that he lied to her about his NFL thing. The funny thing is, Gary takes her seriously and tells the camera that she will take years to find him because "Gary Hawkins", the name he uses on this show, is not his real name. He forgets that Amy is a cop and never mind that, all she needs to do to find out his real name is to do a search on Google for "Gary from Survivor Guatemala". Thanks, Gary, for reinforcing the stereotype about NFL players being on the nitwitty side!

Tree-mail has arrived for the Yowzas. It says something about excavation and rotting corpses, the last perhaps an allusion to the Survivor franchise. Anyway, Amy and Bobby Jon both tell the camera that it is very important that they win this particular Challenge so that they will enter the merge with equal numbers to the Nookums.

Probby is waiting for them and once the Survivors have dutifully filed into the clearing by a ziggurat, he explains that for this particular Challenge, each tribe must run to a sand pit, one tribe member at a time, to dig out a puzzle piece. Once twelve pieces are collected, two tribe members will assemble these pieces to form an ancient Mayan calendar. The first tribe to do this wins Wugu-Wugu. Ready? Oh wait, first the Nookums makes Lydia sit out. Lydia is turning out to be as useful as Scout from Vanuatu, isn't she? Okay, now they are ready to begin.

The SUrvivors dig and dig. I don't know how to describe this event in an exciting manner because that's all there is: digging. The Yowzas take a long time to get their twelve pieces, thanks to Brandon and Bobby Jon, and in the end Stephenie and Rafe manage to put together the puzzle pieces first for Nookum so Nookum wins immunity. Since Stephenie has proven to be a lousy puzzle-solver, I suspect that Rafe must have played an important role in those two putting the pieces together so quickly. Alas, for the Yowzas, it's an appointment with Probby at Tribal Council tonight. The camera pans in on Amy's disappointed face because she knows she's on the chopping block.

At Camp Yowza, everyone is sad and blue because their dreams of going into the merge 5-5 is now dashed to the rocks. Amy tries to get Danni to spill whether there is any chance of Bobby Jon and Brandon willing to save Amy instead of Gary. Danni isn't willing to give a definite answer. Danni tells the camera that she isn't too pleased with Bobby Jon and Stephenie getting a second chance on this show, her belief being that these two have an advantage over the rest of them when it comes to having played the game before. Danni realizes that those two were from the worst tribe ever on Survivor, right? Amy tries to bring up the possibility of booting Bobby Jon but she and Danni realize that they need a third person to get this plan to work. Amy tries to approach Gary with this plan. Gary is willing to vote out Bobby Jon but only, as he tells Amy, if Danni agrees to do so. Amy doesn't expect too much though, telling the camera that it will be a "miracle" if she manages to pull off the ouster of Bobby Jon.

It begins to rain. Bobby Jon and Brandon talk about how hard this season is compared to Palau. Bobby Jon tells the camera that his lifelong dream is to make it to the Jury on Survivor and now, he is so close to realizing his dream. That's actually a pathetic thing to say, isn't it? Some people dream of ruling the world, other people dream of destroying it, and Bobby Jon just wants to be a Jury member of a reality TV show. Sigh. Later, Danni rather dramatically approaches Brandon at the dock in the rain to talk strategy. They both talk about Bobby Jon versus Amy and Brandon thinks that Amy is more "deserving" to stay because Bobby Jon already had his chance in Palau. Danni tells the camera one more time about how she doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings by voting them out, blah blah blah, give me a break. Brandon tells Danni that he has hoped that things won't come down to this but recently he has been thinking a lot about being forced to vote out "more deserving people" in order to keep to his alliances and he isn't sure that he likes doing that. Brandon whines to the camera about this. I don't know what these people are thinking. Do they watch this show or do they just believe Hagrid's spiel about playing with integrity during one of that idiot's roadshows and rush to apply to be on this show? The whole "I'm a good person and I hate to play the game" nonsense is really getting old. If they want to be nice, they shouldn't be on the show.

Night, Tribal Council. Everyone talks about how close they are to everyone else and how nobody wants to vote out anybody. Probby smirks because he and I both know that these people are so full of it. It occurs to me that Probby can't help becoming bitter and cynical because he is forced to attend all these Tribal Councils where the most banal nonsense are thrown about. It's like having to endure watching Hallmark day and night. It makes even the strongest person on earth cry. Such as Bobby Jon's BS, for example, about how he always keep his word to his alliances. I wonder what Blake would say to that. Anyway, it's time to vote.

Bobby Jon votes for Amy, saying that he won't meet anyone else more real than her in his entire life. Obviously then he'd rather be with the fake people in the tribe. Brandon votes. Amy predictably votes for Bobby Jon although there's no hard feelings there. Gary and Danni vote as well. Probby takes the urn to "tally" the votes and when he returns, Amy is unanimously washed out of the tribe. Goodbye, Amy! She hugs everyone before going up to Probby with her torch. I'm quite surprised that they'd vote Amy out over some physical threat like Bobby Jon or Gary when the merge is so close. Speaking of which, Probby tells the remaining Yowzas that the merge is now taking place and they will have to move straight to Camp Nookum after this. Probby hands over some red buffs to the Nookums and banish them from his sight.

In her final words, Amy is happy to be on the show and has learned a lot while she's here, the usual. Here's hoping she gets something done to her ankle.

Before YouTube, recapping music videos is totally a thing and not a waste of time. Really..

• More