SURVIVOR

Exile Island Episode 13: Call the Whambulance!

Previously, Danielle, Aras, and Cirie had to deal with Shane's reaction to their booting of Courtney. As it turned out, Shane wasn't that upset, or so it seemed, since he couldn't stand Courtney. However, Aras decided that Shane had cut his own bridges to Aras when Shane planned to take himself with Courtney and Cirie to the Final Three so his conscience was clear when he, Danielle, and Cirie this time around booted Shane. Terry couldn't be booted since he had Wally as well as the Dunce Necklace, after all. Now it's down to three Cadavers versus one LaDida, although clearly the Cadavers have to boot one more of their own as Wally is still usable in the next Tribal Council. So who will fall in this episode, Cirie, Aras, or Danielle?

Day thirty-three, night time. The four nitwits are coming back from the recent Tribal Council when more drama happens. Cirie voices over that it is very dark when they come back so she places her torch down where she thinks is the best. Note that she places it clearly to the side from the path that she and the others are taking. However, Terry comes across the torch. He doesn't trip on the torch and the torch is flat on the ground so it isn't going to impale him in any way. However, Terry sees fit to ask who placed the torch on the ground. Cirie admits to doing so and this earns her a lecture from Terry in a know-it-all tone that Cirie would have slapped her own kids if they put things on the floor. Cirie says that she doesn't hit her kids. "Verbally then," Terry says.

Cirie snorts in a voiceover, "Well, here comes Captain America..." To the camera, she says that there are fifty miles of beach around it's not like she is deliberately trying to get in Terry's way. Around the fire, Cirie tells Terry that she is not deliberately looking for him and, oh yes, excuse her if she doesn't know where Terry wants her to put her torch. Terry puts on this annoying "Oh, look, I'm such a martyr" voice as he compares Cirie to one of his kids. Cirie pooh-poohs this but Terry just goes on to say that he expected more from Cirie so Cirie should make an attempt to "throw the torch out of the way". He has more to say but Cirie interrupts to tell him to talk to other people like he would like to be talked to. I don't think Terry is capable of doing that, though. He keeps judging people around him and finding ways to find them lacking compared to his delusions of grandeur, so of course he would act like an infallible know-it-all around other people.

Now Terry wants an apology from Cirie. For what? He didn't trip over that torch. Perhaps Terry is really trying to say that he wants an apology from Cirie for booting Courtney, I don't know. Cirie says impatiently that she didn't know that he was behind her. Terry mumbles some more, somewhat incoherently, as Cirie goes sarcastically, "Oh sorry, King Terry, that this torch was where you were walking!" Terry all this time has his hand pressed against one side of his head and he is not looking at Cirie at all as he tells Cirie not to get upset.

Aras and Danielle have been watching quietly all this while. Aras now tells Terry not to ruin the whole night for them. "Don't come into Final Four territory and ruin it for everybody else!" he tells Terry. He tells Terry that Terry has the right to tell Cirie off for putting her stick wherever she put it earlier but Aras isn't too pleased with how Terry isn't talking to Cirie like Cirie is a grown woman. Terry however tells the camera that he became a pincushion back at camp as the three Cadavers "ganged-up" on him for telling off Cirie. Oh, boo-hoo-hoo for Terry. If I'm Cirie, I would just told him simply, "Yeah, sorry, Terry, for not putting the stick where it belongs!" and then shove that thing up his ass. I can understand if he gets annoyed after tripping over the torch but he didn't trip over the torch. He saw the torch in his path and used that as an excuse to vent out his frustrations about Cirie thwarting his Final Two plans on Cirie while talking to her like she's some stupid kid of his that he smacks everytime she displeases him. And when he's called on it, he then acts like he's in the right and everyone is out to get him. Give me a break.

Back at camp, Aras is now scolding Terry for ruining the night that they could have all spent celebrating their being in the Final Four. Now, I seriously doubt that Aras has any intention of including Terry in whatever he supposedly has planned as celebration and I am pretty sure that he steps in between Cirie and Terry because he sees another opportunity to show Terry what an ass he is - not that I can blame Aras for doing this since Terry is a sanctimonious ass that makes showing him how wrong he is a most enjoyable thing to do. However, as much as Aras is being petty by telling Terry that Terry had ruined whatever fun they could all be having, Aras has a point about the way Terry talks to Cirie. Terry responds to Aras by saying that he'll just go to bed and maybe then the three of them can then celebrate some "Final Three situation" because "it" doesn't matter to Terry anymore. Of course it matters to him or he won't be trying so hard to be a martyr about everything. Poor Terry, the Cadavers have never blindly adored and obeyed him like the LaDidas do so he clearly doesn't know how to respond graciously in such a situation. Danielle grins and says, "Oh man!" as Terry goes off in a huff.

Terry tells the camera that he doesn't plan to make friends with some "twenty-four year old". The fact that he keeps bringing up Aras' age suggests to me that Terry must feel quite threatened by the fact that he cannot displace Aras as the man-in-charge among the Cadavers. Of course, whether Aras is in charge is a different story altogether but something tells me that Terry automatically assumes that Aras is top dog among the Cadavers because Aras is a man. The fact that Aras keeps disrespecting him even when Terry has won a zillion Immunity Challenges must really eat away at poor Terry's ego. Who knows, maybe Terry even blames Aras for the way the other Cadavers refused to fall in line with King Terry's self-serving plans and schemes. Terry then calls himself the underdog. That's what he'd like to believe, when in truth he's the villain of this show that manages to make a jerk like Aras come off like a sensitive modern gentleman compared to him.

As Terry bleats to the camera about how he doesn't have to talk to them for the next five days as long as he wins the million dollars, obviously not having a clue that alienating every member of the Jury is not the way to do that, back at camp the three Cadavers quietly share happy squees that they are in the Final Four. Cirie says that Terry is "pissed off" because Terry's back-up plan, Shane, is now gone. "That's all it is," she tells the others and smiles happily to them.

Day thirty-four, late morning. We cut straight to the Reward Challenge where Probby awaits them in a clearing with a set-up for an obstacle challenge that includes iguanas. Ooh, that's intriguing! Once the four nitwits stand before Probby, he explains the instructions and rules.

Now, this is another tough Challenge to describe without visuals but I'll try. The Challenge involves a network of ropes interconnecting six "stations" containing a certain number of different objects (poles, hermit crabs, rocks, iguanas, shells, and fish). The nitwits will each be using two carabiners to navigate to these stations. To do this, they will attach one carabiner along a rope of their choice and follow the rope until they come to an intersection. They will then choose which rope to take and clip the other carabiner into that rope and move along that rope. When they reach a station, they will count the number of items in that station. They will then go back to the starting point and rummage through a box of numbered tiles for one with the number corresponding to the number of objects in that station. After visiting six stations, they would have six numbered tiles each and place the tiles on a result board. They will then use the sequence of the numbers they have placed on the board as the combinations to three locks that they each must open. If they all open, naturally they have the answer correct. If something is wrong, the nitwits must go back to count again.

Probby reveals that the Reward is a "once in a lifetime" overnight tour of the Panama Canal onboard a luxury hundred-foot yacht. There will be a five-course meal and of course, open bar.

Probby gives the word and the nitwits are off. At once it is apparent that there are two ropes and four nitwits so a collision is inevitable. Here, Courtney and Danielle try to get around Terry by placing their carabiners in front of him so that they will get to move ahead of him. But once they all move away to separate stations, it's smooth sailing for each other. That is, until they bump into each other again in the central network of ropes, heh. This Challenge is fun to watch but it is very hard to describe in words - you really should try to catch this episode, if you haven't, to fully appreciate it. It's especially amusing when the nitwits get all tangled up and try to free themselves. Anyway, this is a close race between Terry and Aras with Cirie close behind those two men but never managing to catch up with them. Terry then drops the fifth numbered tile, giving Aras a golden opportunity to overtake Terry. When Aras then comes upon Danielle, he tells Danielle to let him through and block Terry. Cirie, that naughty woman, quickly shows up and blocks Terry as Danielle struggles to break loose from Aras. Danielle may or may not be deliberately helping Aras but Cirie definitely is, judging from the big cheeky smile on her face!

Terry and Aras now race neck-to-neck back to the start with their sixth number. Probby makes it seem like Danielle and Cirie are deliberately blocking Terry's path again - Aras calls them to, of course, but Danielle seems to be genuinely trying to move around Cirie so I don't think she is deliberately helping Aras. She'd be a fool to, given how Aras sent her to Janu Island the last time she helped him win. Terry then loses his cool and shoves Aras out of the way, saying to Probby that Aras shoved him first. I rewind that scene several times and I think I can safely say that Terry is lying. Aras is bent over trying to work on his carabiner when Terry says, "Get out of the way, man!" and shoves him out of the way. Aras never shoved Terry first. Aras retaliates by head-butting Terry a little when Terry brushes past him but really, Terry started the whole nonsense. Terry reaches the start first but Aras catches up easily. Now two men try to unlock the three locks. Then Cirie and Danielle reach their start too and now all four are working on their locks. However, Cirie and Terry rush back to recount their second station items, thus breaking the close tie all four are in so far. Aras also has to head back out again. So does Danielle. By the way, I can see the upper part of Aras' buttcheek in this Challenge. That man is either wearing a thong - much respect to him if he does since I could never view those ghastly uncomfortable things as anything but a torture device on the nether regions - or going commando under his shorts.

But here is where Aras does something smart compared to Terry: Aras heads back to all six stations and recount them, while Terry goes back and forth like an idiot to individual stations, wasting time in the process. Terry complains to Probby that Aras was out there counting and taking a long time and wants to know whether one can take multiple looks at a station. Probby says yes and Terry complains that Probby never told him that earlier. Aras, hearing Terry, calls out, "Somebody call a whambulance - Terry is crying on the co-o-ourse!" Just beautiful, I tell you. The beauty of that insipid juvenile statement brings a tear to my eye. Aras now successfully unlocks his second lock, and then his third lock as the others are still out there - Aras wins the Reward!

As Aras moves to tap palms with Danielle, Terry walks past him and tells Aras that Aras heard what Probby said in the instructions while he didn't. And then Terry addresses Probby as the four are standing there, saying that, oh, he counted the stations individually which was why he lost, wah wah wah. Wow, talk about a guy with a complete lack of self-awareness that put Aras' earlier behavior in this season to shame. Aras, let it be said, never go "Hoo-yah!" and showboat when he wins this Challenge, unlike Terry when he won every time in the past, and Terry doesn't even have the decency to let Aras win without trying to rain on his parade? Come on! To use Terry's favorite way of saying things, I expect better from a supposedly better-than-everyone 46-year old. Danielle and Cirie are shaking their heads and smiling the way people are trying to keep cool when someone beside them is making an ass of himself.

Aras asks Terry whether Terry will moan and groan about losing everytime someone else wins a Challenge. Terry of course rolls his eyes and mutters, "Here we go!" Aras however gets carried away soon enough. He has a point when he says that Terry has no respect for anyone in that tribe but he then asks Terry whether he will say something bad about the women.

Now, this is not something Aras pulled out of the blue - if you follow the Survivor Insider videos in the official website, Austin had a specific scene where he defended Terry against charges of chauvinism. This suggests to me that the women of the tribes that Terry is part of must have spoken about the way Terry behaved towards them at least once before. Terry has never said anything outright sexist on this show but there are many little things about Terry - from the way he treated Misty, Sally, and Ruth Marie as third-class citizens with no say in tribal matters in Camp LaDida to the way he approached the men of Cadaver first for alliance purposes to the way he spoke to Cirie early on in this episode - that can be fairly or unfairly (mis)construed as hints that he doesn't think highly of the opposite sex. The sad thing is, if Terry has kept quiet, he wouldn't come off so poorly on TV. There is no need for him to act like a sore loser on TV. This isn't strategy, which is the beauty of this moment - this is Terry being who he is. He can't help being an ass and I have to laugh at his inability to accept the fact that he has lost to Aras. It's a pity that he didn't lose to Cirie because I'm sure Terry will voluntarily jump off a cliff should that happen.

Back to Terry, he looks wounded as he mocks Aras' comeback as "so mature". It's as mature as his being a sore loser, I'd say. Probby ignores Terry and beckons Aras forward. Aras can of course pick someone to come along. I doubt it's wise to put Terry and Danielle together to plot and all, but Aras does just that when he picks Cirie to come along with him. This means Danielle and Terry are off to Janu Island with plenty of time to plot and all. Again, this is not a wise move on Aras' part, if you ask me, unless he believes that his alliance with Cirie is concrete enough that he can afford to let Danielle break away to align with Terry.

Aras and Cirie take off in a plane for the yacht where a good time is naturally had by all. This is Aras' first Challenge win which he claims has given him a psychological boost and this is Cirie's first time on a yacht. They toast on the hope that they're the Final Two. I hope they are the Final Two and I hope Cirie will pull a victory over Aras, but my favorites have never won any season of Survivor so I can only hope that I haven't jinxed Cirie by rooting for her. Those two also giggle and have a laugh at Terry's expense over his moaning earlier to Probby. Aras, bless him, tells the camera that he's all about "love and compassion" (eeuw, maybe that line will work better on impressionable college girls) but admits that he hasn't shown much love and compassion to Terry recently. "It's all about ego," he says. Nothing like a rare moment of self-awareness to make me feel better about wanting him to beat Terry's behind if Cirie cannot be that person.

At Janu Island, Terry is telling Danielle that the rivalry between the two men that Aras started (what, you expect Terry to admit that he's ever wrong in any way?) is "unhealthy". Terry without irony calls Aras "emotional" the last few days and suggests to Danielle that Aras is "cracking". Which explains why Aras cried foul and whoo-hoo-hoo'ed his way in front of a whambulance earlier that day... oh, wait. Terry springs a story of the persecution of poor noble Terry by the evil Aras to the camera that is as delusional as that man itself. The most hilarious part of his confessional is his saying that he has to act like a "46-year old" and put it behind him. Again he brings up the fact that he is 46-year old, which isn't a wise thing to do since it only reminds me of what an immature and annoying 46-year old he is. He and Danielle now forge an alliance of convenience, although Danielle may understand better than Terry that the only way any of them has a sure bet on winning the million dollars is by taking each other to the Final Two. For some reason that is never clearly explained on this show, many people on the Jury show in their Insider clips and post-show interviews that they loathe Danielle with an intensity that never translates on the TV show. Terry will have an easy win if Danielle is standing by his side. Danielle may win against Terry, I don't know, but she most likely has no chance of doing so if Aras and Cirie is standing beside her before the Jury.

Danielle works Terry over, saying to him that he can give her Wally if he wins the next Immunity Challenge, which would then result in Aras being booted off at Tribal Council. Terry nods and then stupidly says, "But... unless Cirie has some wild pair and wants to vote Aras off too." Why is that a "but"? Won't that result in an Aras boot nonetheless, which is what he wants anyway? Why is the dunderhead objecting to Danielle's plan? He can't use Wally after the next Tribal Council anyway so... my head really hurts whenever I try to sort out what Terry is thinking. Danielle tells the camera that Aras took Cirie with him to the yacht, which shows his alliance with Cirie, and therefore it is only right that Danielle now sides with Terry. She clarifies that she intends to use him rather than be his friend, which strikes me as quite funny. I mean, gosh, she actually has to clarify to the audience that she's not friends with Terry or anything. I wonder why she feels the need to clarify that, bwahaha. Terry shows off Wally and how he found it, taking pains to let Danielle know that he found it in "twenty minutes", just like I expect him to. Meanwhile, Terry wants Danielle to do that eye-to-eye thing and agree that no matter who is in the Final Three, it will be the both of them in the Final Two. He's clearly assuming that he will win the final Immunity Challenge, which is a little persumptive if you ask me.

Day thirty-five. Aras and Cirie enjoy the view of the Panama Canal and hope that they will be in the Final Two. Judging from the editing in past seasons, there is a high chance that this won't happen if Aras and Cirie keep bringing it up like Cirie is doing at the moment, but I refuse to accept that possibility until I see it happen on my TV screen. So there! I refuse to believe that there is any chance of Cirie not winning because just listen to her on the ride homeas she laughs at how beautiful "their" island look from afar. She can't believe that she has stayed more than a month in that island and her chuckles have a hint of awe and disbelief, as if she is close to tears when she realizes that she's had a wonderful adventure on this show. It reminds me that no matter how boring most of this season has been, for someone like Cirie, this is a magical adventure to remember and that makes this season a pretty cool thing after all.

Aras ruins the happy mood by emitting an unfortunate gaseous emission, if you know what I mean, causing Cirie to flee the shelter while calling "it" toxic. And then, the scene of foreshadowing of all foreshadowings: Cirie decides to kill time by learning how to use the flint to start a fire. She explains in her voiceover that other people were always around to start the fire so she has never the opportunity to learn how to use the flint until now. She wants to surprise a sleeping Aras with a fire when he wakes up and dramatic drums accompany her until she squeals in joy when she gets a pretty good fire going. Watching from the shelter, Aras says that on day one, Cirie can't do anything but now she has come to a full circle. His tone is actually one of admiration rather than condenscension, so whether or not one likes Aras, it seems apparent that he does like Cirie and she likes him back. Cirie is so happy, I wish I have the power to give her the million dollars if she can't win some on her own because she's so likeable and adorable that way when she's happy.

Day thirty-six. Oh no, Immunity Challenge time. Aras and Cirie are rejoined by Terry and Danielle as the dramatic music rises to a crescendo. Is it just me or the track seems very much like something from the soundtrack of the Dune TV series?

Probby explains this Challenge will require each nitwit to use a set of coordinates (which are actually symbols rather than numbers) to determine the location of a bag buried under the sand within a circular area. The bag has puzzles pieces that will reveal another set of coordinates when they are assembled together correctly. The coordinates will reveal the location of another bag in the sand. There are three bags to collect. The first person to correctly assemble the pieces of the third puzzle to form the sentence "Safe from the vote" will win the Dunce Necklace. Oh, and the location of the first bag is already indicated so all the nitwits have to do to get the first bag is to just dig.

Probby gives the word and the nitwits dash to their respective sand pits to dig. Aras gets his bag first, followed by Danielle and Cirie with Terry bringing up the rear. But mere seconds separate Aras from Terry so it's a tie, really, at that point. Aras is the first to finish his puzzle and now he uses ropes to locate the second bag. Terry is next. Cirie can't seem to assemble her puzzle pieces while Danielle fast catches up with Terry. I don't know what Terry is doing because he's just digging and digging while Aras quickly locates his second bag and runs back to assemble the second puzzle. When Terry locates his second bag, Aras is already out to look for his third bag. Danielle realizes that she has been looking in the wrong place but it doesn't matter. Terry is still working on his second puzzle when Aras starts assembling his last puzzle. Aras wins Immunity, which is a bittersweet thing as this means Cirie and Danielle will have to fight it out for the third spot by winning the fire-making contest as the votes at the Tribal Council will most likely result in a tie. Damn, if only Terry doesn't have Wally!

Back at camp, Terry approaches Aras and wants to talk the statement Aras made about Terry saying bad things about women. He describes what Aras said as something "undefendable" - does that mean Terry cannot deny such a statement or does that mean that Aras cannot defend himself for daring to accuse the perfect Terry? - and Terry would like an apology. Of course, Terry is not going to apologize to Aras for shoving him, no, he just wants Aras to apologize to him. No, wait, "ask" would imply that Terry is being pleasant in his tone. He demands an apology, threatening that Aras failing to do so would mean that he will not have any "relationship" with Terry for the next three days. Aras of course sees Terry's words in context of a possible Jury situation and apologizes "a 100%" to him. Terry on the other hand must be thinking that being denied the privilege of a relationship with him must be some kind of painful deprivement. Terry tells Aras that he has treated flight attendants nicely and he hasn't done anything that he won't tell his wife and friends and even his priest. Why so defensive, Terry?

Aras rather presumptiously tells the camera that he and Terry would become close through shared experiences so at the end of the day he hopes that they have "helped each other grow". He obviously hasn't heard what Terry thinks dismissively of "24-year olds" as opposed to "46-year olds" that rule the world. What's wrong with not keeping in touch once the show is over with?

Cirie, watching the two men shake hands, wonders nervously to Danielle what the two men are talking about, since the two men rarely talk to each other. Danielle tells the camera that the vote at the Tribal Council will most likely be tied with two votes for her and two votes for Cirie since Aras and Terry both cannot be voted off. Danielle and Cirie don't even bother to pretend as they both wonder with each other what they will have to compete in as tiebreaker at Tribal Council. Cirie thinks it will be fire-making. Danielle runs to Terry to get some pointers on firemaking and Terry demonstrates how to use the flint to her. Aras is doing the same at the other side of the camp to Cirie. He also tells Cirie to relax and have fun since she's already made it this far. Cirie says that she doesn't want to go home. Cirie tells the camera that she's nervous about going home but she thinks she will be fine since she's only seen Danielle start the fire once. Which is to say, Cirie believes that they are both equally good or bad in fire-making. She would however like Danielle to think that Cirie cannot make fire at all. Danielle then tells the camera that she has never seen Cirie start a fire so she thinks that fire isn't Cirie's "thing". Still, she can't be too confident.

She now runs to Terry and suggests that Terry gives her Wally so that they can surprise Cirie and boot her out. That would mean getting Terry to take a risk with her, which will be madness on Terry's part as Danielle has shown that she is better at breaking alliances than keeping them, so that subplot goes nowhere despite Danielle's attempts to get him to hand over Wally to him.

Night, Tribal Council. You really don't believe that Terry will give Danielle Wally, do you? He won't save his allies with it, you think he'll let Danielle have it? Anyway, the Jury walk in and Shane looks ridiculous with his open shirt. I don't think he bathes, much less shaves, in Loser Lodge. Once the nitwits have settled down, Probby points out that there is one member of each of the four tribes that this show started out with in the Final Four. I'm slow, I never noticed that until Probby points that out. Terry's bizarre facial expressions make my skin crawl, I tell you, as his lips twitch like he's lose all control of his facial movements. The conversation revolves around the predictable - Terry still refuses to admit that he has Wally even when there's no use in even pretending at this point, Cirie and Danielle are happy with their experiences so far, and Terry says that he'd like to be more patient with friends and all when he goes home. Yeah, that will be nice if he has demonstrated that he has actually learned patience and humility like he has claimed. One of these days Terry will realize that he can fool himself into thinking that he's the best, but he's not that good at pretending with other people.

As expected, the votes are tied between Danielle and Cirie. Of course none of them has Wally and Wally is now retiring without even being used. It's now time for the fire-making challenge, something that Probby says the two women should know how to do given that they've been out here for more than a month. Heh. The two women take a seat behind their stations and...

See you all at the finale.

Before YouTube, recapping music videos is totally a thing and not a waste of time. Really..

• More