SURVIVOR

Exile Island Episode 14: The Final Showdown

Jeff "We Need More Love" Proboscis kicks off the show with a long recap from the first episode. Let's relive what a flop the whole Janu Island twist is! Let's marvel at Terry's braindead gameplay! Let's pretend that Shane is even a little sane! Let's try to remember all those people that were voted out before the merge! Doesn't this season feel like it has been going on for at least a year?

And now, we are finally down to the Tribal Council on night thirty-six, where Cirie and Danielle are trying to get a fire started first to burn through a rope and get them to the Final Three. It's a competition between a woman who would win when competing against Aras and Terry in the final two and a woman who has no chance to beat either man, amusingly enough. Probby gives the word and the two ladies get down to work. Alas, while Cirie gets her fire going strong at first, her fire dies out soon after. Danielle encounters the same problem but she rebounds quickly by piling her coconut husks high to allow the fire she starts to stay strong. Cirie is still trying to start her fire one more time when Danielle gets a fire strong enough to burn through her rope. Woosh, her tribe banner rolls down shortly after, thus allowing Danielle to move on to the final two over Cirie.

Austin and Sally are happy by this turn of events, no doubt thinking that this means Terry would beat the other two to win the million dollars. Don't they get it? Terry sold them out high and dry. You'd think they have some sad lemming complex when it comes to following Terry down the cliff and then jump while Terry stays behind and changes his mind without telling his followers that he doesn't want to die with them after all. On the other hand, Aras should be cheering since the only person he has no chance of beating is out of the game and he doesn't have to do anything to dirty his hands in the process. Instead, he looks most downcast as he buries his face in his hands. I think he really likes Cirie, come what may, and he's so caught up in the moment that he is genuinely sad to see her go. Cirie shares a hug with Aras as she apologizes to him and he tells her that she's done her best. As Cirie takes her leave to a very short trip to Loser Lodge, she blows everyone kisses. She tells the camera that she's thrilled that she lasted this long into the game but she's sorry for letting her family down by not winning the million dollars. Oh, Cirie. She should have learned how to make fire. Don't these people know by now that they should at least know how to excel in the tiebreaker competition even if they don't learn anything else in camp? Oh, Cirie. Still, she says that she can leave the game with her head held high, a small consolation indeed if you ask me, since pride can only take you so far and feed you so much. On the other hand, perhaps it is better to leave with the head held high rather than one's pride in tatters like Katie's humiliation by the Jury in Palau.

Later, back at camp, Danielle is so happy because she's made it to the Final Three. Terry is happy too because he believes that Danielle will honor her deal with him - you know, the one where they would both go to the Final Two. I don't know why Terry expects her to be loyal to him since he didn't do anything on his part to help her avoid elimination. Ah, but that's Terry, of course: he expects people to take the sword for him because he's the mighty dipstick Terry. Since the merge, the Cadavers have done everything to give him the finger, and he still expects Danielle, who's one of the biggest Cadavers of them all, to take him to the Final Two. I'm baffled as to whether anything can penetrate this man's obviously thick as lead skull to get him to see some sense.

Day thirty-seven. Terry takes out Wally and says that Wally has Shane's hair. That man is a riot. He then talks about how he never has to use Wally. Yes, because he's lucky that all the Immunity Challenges except for the previous one required the winner to only have brute strength. Also, he didn't use Wally because he has no strategic ability to consider using it - Terry can't plan beyond the bridge of his nose. So when Terry says that Wally is worth twenty-five cents, his own gameplay is worth only a fraction of that. He then shows off Wally in a lame attempt to gloat and show off to Aras and Danielle - in a very mature way, of course. Danielle then talks about how those two men are always competing and they don't like each other as those two men start measuring the sizes of the fish they've caught and all like Harold and Kumar fighting to see who can survive the longest in a busy highway. Danielle talks about how Terry wants to avenge his ruined pride or something for losing the last Immunity Challenge to Aras, but I'm sure we all know that Terry is too sensible to do that kind of juvenile nonsense.

It's now time for the Reward Challenge. Hey, the show has to find a way to fill up the two hours of the finale, after all, so why not a Reward Challenge using a throwaway cheap reward of some food and some blankets and pillows, right? In this Challenge, Probby explains that the nitwits have to each slide some stupid pinball-like board game to release some pegs that they will then use to scale a wall to get to the top and stick the pegs into their respective slots. The first to do that wins, of course. Aras is faster when it comes to getting all the pegs and climbing up the wall but he slips during his climb and cannot recover fast enough to stop Terry from beating him. Danielle is never even in the running, as I'm sure nobody is surprised to know, so Terry wins again. He then gloats and showboats before telling Aras that Aras is some "ultimate competitor" who brings some "A-game" all the time. Now that Terry has won, he can afford to be gracious, I suppose, even if it's grace in the most insincere and even obnoxious way possible. How like Terry to deliver a compliment while sounding like he's rubbing his victory into Aras' face. Maybe winning makes Terry feel younger, like he's twenty-four again!

Terry goes to eat while Aras sulks indignantly over his defeat as he and Danielle return to camp. Back at camp, Aras is still indignant as he cleans a fish that he has caught and says that hey, Terry eats good food but at least he and Danielle are eating fish. And fish is good! So Aras is not complaining, see? What a twit. Aras tells Danielle that one of them has to win the final Immunity Challenge or none of them will win the money. He's obviously telling Danielle that none of them has any chance of beating Terry, which may be true for Aras and certainly true for Danielle. Danielle says that she won't give up. She is just like Katie in this instance, confident that she can somehow wow the Jury about how she is some skilful player when everyone on the Jury either consider her a traitor (Courtney) or a lazy useless spoiled princess (Shane) or they like Aras or Terry much more than she (Sally, Cirie, Austin).

Terry later comes back to camp where he, for once, simply says that he's had some food and nothing fancier. Aras congratulates Terry when it must somehow kill him inside to do so, and then tells the camera that Terry having eaten better food would give that man an advantage in the final Immunity Challenge. He then says that the pressure is on Terry to win that Challenge. Aras always seem to assume that Danielle will do everything he says, in this case to take Aras to the Final Two, doesn't he? Of course, Danielle is stupid enough to do his bidding every time even when he clearly doesn't appreciate her efforts so it's not like I can blame him for taking her for granted. You can't take someone for granted unless the other person is willing to be taken for granted, after all. Before the three doze off to dreamland, Aras tells Terry that if Terry leaves tomorrow, Aras would sleep in Terry's cot to "honor the man". Maybe he'd wet himself while doing so for good measure. Aras tells the camera that he isn't scared of Terry because he doesn't think Terry can win the final Immunity Challenge.

Day thirty-eight. The three are told by tree-mail to gather the torches of their "fallen comrades" - how nice that this show treats the booted losers as dead losers, heh - and use those torches to burn the stupid giant skull atop on Janu Island. Hey, that skull is flammable? Don't tell me that it's actually paper held in shape by wires or something!

The boat then shows up and takes the three nitwits to Janu Island where they then collect the torches of the dead losers that are thoughtfully placed in the order the losers met their demise at the end of Probby's flame-snuffer in Tribal Council. Terry tells the camera that the three of them spent the most time on Janu Island. I'll be more impressed by that if these three have voluntarily spent time in that place instead of being dumped there by their rivals. So now it's time for the wah-wah weh-weh so sorry you're dead Lamentation of Dead People thing that every Mark Burnetto show must have nowadays.

Hi, Tina! The three can only deduce that she's the first person out since Cirie is the only person to make the merge that has spent time with her. Tina talks about how she has no regrets about the game - aw, come on, not even one regret for being stuck in a tribe of silly old biddies? - and she doesn't want anyone to pity her. I like her and I wish she's stayed longer. Then it's Melinda, who none of the three nitwits has anything to say about, and Melinda gives the obligatory "I'm tougher than I thought for lasting a week in this wilderness!" spiel that everyone booted within the first few episodes always say as a way of saving face on the show. Nobody cares for Misty either although the show tries to immortalize her by showing her eatin a worm in slow-motion and Misty also talks about how much she has learned about herself. She's tough now, yee-haw. Ruth Marie receives a similar "Huh?" treatment when Terry could have at least say that she's the first person he royally screwed in this game and Ruth Marie talks about feeling blessed for having been on TV. I'm sure many people will feel that way. Being on TV is comparable to a religious experience, after all.

Awww, Bobby, who this show does a big disfavor to for never showcasing his wit. You have to see his postings on the Survivor Sucks forum (he's MrBobDawgsta there) to appreciate how much of a cool motherfu- er, guy he is. Aras really likes him. Bobby hints of the fun side of him that this show refuses to give the audience a glimpse of when he says that all he wanted to do was to "smack down a couple of fools and maybe take a shot at the million". Oh, Bobby, you're a cool guy and it's a pity that very few people know that. Terry then acts like Dan has died in service for Terryland or something while Dan says that he's surprised at how much he's had on this show. Hmm, I never would've guessed that Terry and Ruth Marie are such great company to have when I'm stuck in the desolate wilderness. Terry also acts like Nick has also died defending Terryland, complimenting Nick for being "one of the most mature, well-spoken, and well- mannered twenty-four-year-old kids". Terry is really obsessed about age to point of creepiness. It is as if he knows he is getting older and he tries desperately to cling on to his past glories by believing that somehow being older is just another way he is superior to everyone else out there. Nick says that he had a miserable time but it was also a rewarding experience nonetheless. Is that his way of saying that it sucks not to win the million dollars?

Austin is appropriately self-depreciatory in a good way and Sally claims to be happy to have made the final eight. Hey, it could be worse, people - she could have made only top nine, and that would be a tragedy. Terry calls Bruce "sensei", and Bruce believes that, apparently, saying that he's small but he's tough. He's still trying to impress Danielle, I see. Bruce also talks about that day when his intestines and rectum nearly exploded, which is of course just another one of the many war stories for dear old Bruce to tell the kiddies. Bruce is cute in a good way but alas, he never really has a chance to play the game due to the personality differences between him and the rest of the Cadavers and Terry's stupidity in never allowing the LaDidas a chance to turn the tables on the Cadavers after the merge to allow Bruce to flip to his side. Courtney insists that she's stayed herself and being on this game is all she's ever wanted in her life. Do these people know how pathetic they come off as when they say things like this on TV? Then it's Shane's turn to be eulogized and Aras says that Shane is "crazy, ugly, beautiful, insane, somebody who I will always, always hold in my heart." Yes, like cholesterol plaques that will build up in the aorta and eventually give one a stroke. Shane talks about learning to do things. Like having the willpower to stop smoking and all, I presume? And aww, Cirie. Everyone on this show loves Cirie, of course. Cirie once more talks about how she realizes that she can do more things that she expected at first, the usual.

With the lame and pointless "We're so sad that you're dead... really!" montage done with, the three nitwits then stick the torches into those oh-so convenient holes in the giant skull and watch as the skull burns down. The whole scene is so ridiculously overwrought in its attempt to be dramatic that I just have to giggle at the silliness of it all.

Probby awaits them by the beach where the final Immunity Challenge. Probby asks the nitwits what it feels like to pollute the fair air of Panama needlessly and Aras says that it's nice to "pay their respects" to those dead people. He also likes burning down the skull because that means they don't have to stay on Janu Island again. Probby now explains the final Immunity Challenge: each nitwit will move from one floating platform on the water to another every fifteen minutes, each platform becoming smaller as they keep moving, until the last one standing wins. When they step on a new platform, they have one minute to balance themselves. That's the only time when they can go down on all fours to steady themselves or fall into the water and get back up again.

The first platform is big enough for everyone. After some pointless banter and fifteen minutes have passed, all three move to a smaller platform where it's probably lighter as well because Aras nearly falls off. Then it's on to the next platform where it's even wobblier than the previous platform. Aras and Terry quickly fall into the water the moment they step on it. Terry struggles a little to get back on the platform. His soaking wet clothes won't be helping him much later on since they would weigh him down. Good, heh. Terry has one minute to balance himself and at the last minute he falls into the water again. He's out! Aras and Danielle then share a nod before Aras jumps off. Clearly there's a deal between the two of them to take each other to the Final Two if Terry drops out first. So Danielle is the winner and she gets to wear the Dunce Necklace. On one hand, it is most amusing that the person the two men look down on will be the one deciding who will get to the Final Two. On the other hand, poor Danielle has no chance of winning so this is a pyrrhic victory of sorts for her.

Back at camp, poor Danielle is apparently forced to think for herself and she doesn't find the process much to her liking. She wonders who to take to the Final Two. Personally, I'd go for Aras if I were here. Between Aras and Danielle, there is a slight possibility that votes of Nick, Austin, Bruce, and Shane can go her way but against Terry, she will lose the votes of Aras, Bruce, Nick, Austin, Sally, and Courtney for sure. Danielle points out that she agreed with Terry to take him to the Final Two and she also agreed with Aras to take him to the Final Two. Obviously one of them is going to feel betrayed at the end of the day.

Terry and Danielle now have a private conversation where he asks her whether their deal still stands. Danielle asks him, point blank, whether he thinks that it's fair for her to take someone she can't beat with her to the Final Two. Terry can only say that he would take her to the Final Two if he won. Of course he would - he can beat her in the Final Two, duh. Danielle tells Terry that she would have felt better about honoring the deal if Terry had protected her in the previous Tribal Council by handing her Wally, and again, Terry can't really argue with her about that without revealing that he expects her all along to dirty her hands to honor their deal while he doesn't have any intention of getting his own hands dirty in the process. Terry tells the camera that poor Danielle is apparently confused because the right thing to do, according to Terry, is to of course take him to the Final Two. No, Terry, if anything, Danielle has her eyes wide open about this matter. Terry tells Danielle that she'd win over him because of Cadaver tribe loyalty. Danielle reasonably points out that if she takes Terry over Aras, the other Cadavers may see her action as a betrayal against the Cadavers. Terry again has nothing to counter Danielle's point of view, simply saying that he'll be reasonable when he's on the Jury. That will be a pleasant change for once if he does just that. Danielle tells Terry that she is indecisive because she's a Gemini. Not because she's a dingbat, of course not.

When Aras approaches Danielle, he offers a more solid argument compared to Terry's "Take me if you have integrity!" spiel: he tells Danielle that she would lose his vote as well as Cirie's if she takes Terry instead of him to the Final Two. Danielle can call Aras' bluff, especially when later it is revealed by Cirie in post-show interviews that she and Danielle had a secret alliance all along and therefore Cirie could easily send a vote to Danielle, but instead she flies into a huff of indignance to the camera about how Aras is threatening her. She amusingly says that it is not fair for Aras not to vote for her because she broke their deal. Why, because she's cute?

Terry tells Danielle that he will understand her decision, whatever it will be. Of course, he means no such thing.

Night, Tribal Council. Danielle can only say that she hopes the men won't hate her for her decision. I think at that point that she has done the numbers inside her head and she knows that she has no chance of beating either men in the Final Two. She picks Aras to take to the Final Two, which sees the long overdue boot of Terry. Hallelujah! Terry of course blames his boot in his final words on his not taking the game in his own hands, whatever that means since he lost in the final Immunity Challenge fair and square, once more brings up his age when talking about how awesome he is, and then modestly assures everyone that he doesn't think he's perfect. Wow, he could've fooled me there.

That night, Aras and Danielle talk about how they played with integrity (he) and intelligence (she). Danielle tells the camera that she picked Aras due to tribe loyalty and gut instincts. How nice that she wants everyone to know that her decision is not based on any actual thinking on her part. She also hopes that she can ply her salesperson skills to win over the Jury. Hope springs eternal, after all.

Day thirty-nine. What better way to start the day by a morning feast of breakfast yummies from the show for the final two nitwits? I have to love how even for breakfast there is always alcohol available. Maybe everyone is hoping that Aras and Danielle will behave like drunken buffoons before the Jury. After their feast, they decide to go for a walk while still drinking alcohol, and Aras teaches kiddies everywhere not to drink before noon by slipping on the rocks and getting shards of his broken glass stuck in his back. It's awesome especially if you harbor secret desires to see Aras in pain. He's cut pretty badly in the back as well as in one hand, although he wonders why he's so clumsy this time around when he wasn't when he walked down this beach in the past. Maybe it's because he knows he is winning and he gets carried away with the champagne? Aras seems to be really in pain, although he's not going to die or anything, aw shucks. He gets stitched up by doctors who don't mind helping out a potential winner even if they nearly let Bruce die and hopes that he won't be too incoherent or anything at the Tribal Council later that night.

When he's back on his feet, Aras then makes a big case about his drunken stumble at the beach by saying, "I kind of came in as a buffoon and I'm going out as a buffoon. And in between I did some pretty cool things." Dude, you're drunk and you fell, case closed. No need to write an epic novel about it, you know? Aras also goes on about how he learns that he doesn't have to be Superman to get on with life, just in case we start to get the impression that he is some kind of superhero, I suppose. Losing a zillion Immunity Challenges can give people that impression, I hear. Danielle also puffs up her cheeks to talk about how this stupid show changed her life. She can now claim that she's a strong and independent person. I'll be interested to know what her definitions of "strong" and "independent" are. I have a hunch that they are completely different from mine and Merriam-Webster's. She also hopes that the Jury can see who the right person that should win is. She means that the right person is herself, of course. With that, those two head off to Tribal Council without burning anything. Dang, I am hoping to see Terry's face when they tell him that they've "accidentally" burnt his stupid flag.

Night, Tribal Council, where as usual the bitter Jury will pretend to listen to the Final Two before grandstanding about how better they are as human beings compared to the "losers" in the Final Two.

After explaining to the others about how he got those bandages on Probby's urging - an explanation that involves a fight with Godzilla and a deep mentoring session with the Dalai Lama - Aras gives his opening speech. It is a predictable speech as he talks about how he's friends with everyone because he really cares about them, awww, and the words "integrity" and "honesty" rear their ugly head like they would from a dipstick hypocrite like Aras. Shane and Courtney don't look too convinced. Hypocrites recognize their own.

Danielle wisely tries another opening gambit where she says that she is friends with the folks on the Jury because she cares, but it is not possible in this game to be entirely honest. You have to lie at one point, she says. A reasonable point, but unfortunately, the Jury is not reasonable and she hasn't earned their respect through her earlier antics in the camp to get them to consider that she may actually have reasonable point of view worth considering.

Sally, sporting cute Princess Leia, now commences the Jury grilling session where she asks the two nitwits who they think helped their gameplay the most in the original Cadaver tribe. This is a question that serves no purpose other than to stir trouble, I think, but I don't see how Sally intends to go about stirring trouble with that question. Danielle answers Cirie, saying that Cirie shares information with her, while Aras claims that it is "ironic" (huh?) but he has to also say Cirie, whom he calls a good friend that has helped him strategicallly as well.

Bruce steps up to congratulate Aras and Danielle for battling like "samurai warriors". How absurd, that very idea, really, but I have a hunch that Bruce has been planning to use that line since day one. He wants to know what "responsible" nonsense that each of the two nitwits plan to do with the money. Here, I always remember evil Dr Will Kirby's answer to such pretentious question in Big Brother 2 and laugh when I recall how he talks about wanting to buy gold chains for all his friends. What does Bruce expect? Aras to become some UN ambassador and Danielle to discover the cure for cancer? Aras predictably talks about how he will somehow change the world for the better if he's a rich bloke. Hey, me too! The world will be a better place if I'm a billionaire, I can assure you. So when is everyone planning to give me a million dollars, huh? Danielle says that she will use her money to give speeches to children everywhere. Shane looks terrified at the idea of his son attending speeches given by Danielle in his school and I must confess that I find that possibility quite terrifying as well.

Terry is next and he tells Danielle that you can play without lying because - look, he did. Of course, the fact that he's now seated in the Jury and therefore perhaps he shouldn't be telling Danielle about how to play the game completely eludes him. How nice that Ruth Marie isn't here to tell him that she wasn't told in advance that she was leaving when she was booted. Terry then tells Danielle that he hopes her friends and family members won't pester her and tell her that she should have taken the "Navy guy". Yes, that is Terry being understanding about Danielle's decision like he told her earlier in the episode that he would be. Terry is lucky that there are many people who will blindly believe that he's an all-American hero because he happened to be in the armed forces once upon a time that they will give him a free pass for all his actions. As a human being, he isn't so above everyone else than he'd like to believe he is. It's hard for me to imagine this a few seasons ago but Terry has actually surpassed Hagrid in my book as the most loathsome piece of offal to ever pollute this show. Terry now talks about how important competitions are in this show - because it's the only thing this walking piece of crap is good at, that's why - and asks Aras and Danielle to rank themselves in challenges. Aras gives himself a nine because he gives his all to each competition and Danielle gives herself an eight, deducting one point for sitting out of a challenge to eat hamburgers. Terry of course doesn't care about their answers as much as he wants everyone to know that he should have won.

After Terry, Austin is a welcome respite. He wants to know what each nitwit considers a good strategic move and what move they aren't too proud of. Danielle says that she thinks she did a strategic move in getting her tribe to boot Bobby instead of Bruce, which would surely get her Bruce's vote, that smart gal. She says that booting Courtney is the hardest thing she has done. Unfortunately for her, Courtney is not so forgiving. Aras seems to believe that he telling Melinda that she was going home is a good move. Strategically, that move does zero for his gameplay since Cirie could have gone that day and it won't make much difference to the overall Cadaver performance, so I presume that Aras is only trying to tell everyone what a wonderful yoga-man he is. He's completely clueless as to how much of an asshole he was to Cirie and Melinda back then, but that's to be expected, since he's Aras. Aras says that he is not proud of lying and booting Shane, although that won't stop him from saying again and again that he played with honesty and integrity. I don't know about you, but I think Aras and Danielle are the vilest Final Two ever. And I thought Twila and Chris were bad enough, but no, here's a pretentious hypocritical asshole and a dumb bimbo and one of them will be a million bucks richer at the end of the day. Isn't that wonderful?

Courtney dramatically steps down to approach the two nitwits. She then opens her mouth to announce, "I forgot my guns! They've been dropped in the sea of forgiveness!" If that's not hilarious enough, she proceeds to describe herself as some "shining being" - is that a reference to the movie The Shining? - and portrays herself as a tragic victim of betrayals and backstabbings. She targets her passive-aggressive venom on Danielle, saying that she has never planned to vote Danielle off (a half-truth of sorts, since she intended for Terry to get rid of Danielle and take her to the Final Two) but hey, she has now forgiven Danielle (snort) because apparently such negative emotions weigh Courtney down when she intends to fly freely like a bird. No, really, that's what she says. Cirie is looking at Courtney like girlfriend here has gone completely loopy and when a resident nurse is looking at her and thinking that Courtney is bonkers, that's how much of a trainwreck Courtney dearest is being. Courtney then talks about how she has learned so much about herself so she now wants to know what the two have learned that they will take with them every day. I don't think "I learn that you are a freaking trainwreck, Courtney. Get some psychiatric help now!" is an appropriate answer, although it should be. Aras points out that Courtney voted for him while he voted for her in the Tribal Council that saw Courtney getting the boot, so Courtney can't claim the higher ground here. Courtney has no answer to that other than a lame, "Well, you did lie. But... okay." Danielle talks about how she learns that she is a stronger person and Courtney will all the venom in her voice smiles and coos that how nice Danielle knows this after a lifetime of being coddled and spoiled by the men in her life. Danielle just as "sweetly" thanks Courtney for pointing this out to her. Courtney "happily" tells Danielle to "walk the higher road" before she returns to her seat. Bless Courtney, she's such a hysterical trainwreck and I need that kind of comedy to lighten up a tedious Tribal Council.

Cirie says that it will be tough to follow Courtney. I know. Sue Hawk and Helen would need to join forces to shriek at the two nitwits in order to top Courtney's solo performance. Cirie instead wants to know why each think the other person should win. Danielle praises Aras for being awesome and helpful and all and Aras returns the compliment by pointing out how Danielle helped him when his hand was injured rather than thinking about winning the money.

And finally, Shane, who is as hypocritical and ridiculous like I'd expect him to be. He begins by talking about how Terry should have won. Why? Maybe it's because in Shane's mind, Terry didn't betray Shane, I guess. He then proceeds to mock Danielle for being useless and Aras for apparently betraying his "yoga" principles. Shane uses his fingers to put yoga in figurative open and close inverted commas, which is good because I don't think yoga is in any way synonymous with honesty like Shane seems to think it is. Yoga helped Sting to have a six-hour orgasm but I doubt yoga can make an honest man out of anybody. Shane also proceeds to tell Aras how much the man sucks for apparently betraying Shane, conveniently forgetting that he has plotted to betray Aras even before Cirie told Aras of Courtney's plan with Terry to boot Aras. Shane now talks about how much better he is as a person compared to Aras. He declares that he'd be president of "the planet" if he's judged by his intentions. I am terrified now, hold me somebody. Shane calls Aras a "broke" and "homeless" man who "freeloads" off his father. Maybe he'd respect Aras more if Aras is a broke fellow who waits tables while waiting for a chance to make it big in movies. Shane finally announces that he'd like to abstain from voting but he can't so he will now copy the shtick of a loser from the first season by asking the two to pick a number each. Aras picks four (apparently this is Shane's favorite number) and Danielle picks ten. Shane takes a seat after making his big point about... something, I suppose.

Probby now asks the two to each give a closing statement. Danielle talks about playing with integrity and all but it's clear that the Jury aren't buying. Aras says pretty much the same thing, reassuring Shane that their hugs by the fire (oo-er!) are real. Aras also manages to get his own dig into Shane by saying that if Shane wants to "fix" Aras as a person, Shane can give Aras the money so that Aras doesn't have to freeload off his father anymore.

And now, it's time to vote. Bruce is shown voting for Danielle, saying that he's glad to have spent time with her and he's sure that she will "touch" people's lives. In a zen samurai way, I suppose. Sally draws a smiley face on the paper but the show cuts away before she writes down a name, drats. Terry of course votes for Aras because he'd rather admit that he lost to a man rather than a woman. I can understand that, in a way, because it must be tough for a man who has his own head up his ass like Terry to accept that he's been played by someone he considers beneath him. Meanwhile, it's clear that there is no love lost between Shane and Courtney when he leans exaggeratedly to avoid any contact with her when she moves to return to her seat after casting her vote.

Probby tallies the votes, thanks everyone in Tribal Council for a great 39 days, and heads back to the studio in New York where Aras joins the latest of the parade of men on this show who looks much hotter when they are on the island. The one exception seems to be the men on Pearl Islands like Burtman and the Feuhrer who are so hot on and off the island. Aras and Bobby Jon will do well to ask those guys the secrets to their well-preserved hotness. Probby reveals that apart from Shane and Bruce who voted for Danielle (and Shane is clearly voting against Aras rather than for Danielle just as Courtney votes against Danielle rather than for Aras), the others choose to make Aras the winner of this season of Survivor. That seems appropriate, given how he has played a better social game than Danielle. Cirie gets a brand new Yukon SUV for being a fan favorite, which isn't so bad considering that it's not a million dollars given as a consolation prize to an overgrown asshole and especially because it isn't given to Terry. And then Probby reveals that the next season will keep the Janu Island concept - where hopefully the idiot who finds Wally will use it to his or her advantage - and it will be taking place in another island scenario - the Cook Islands. And with that, this unsatisfying and boring finale comes to an end and an overall boring season is done for.

Before YouTube, recapping music videos is totally a thing and not a waste of time. Really..

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