SURVIVOR

Amazon Episode 13: ... And Then There Were Four

"Thirty-six days ago," Jeff Proboscis begins in his voice-over, and so we get ten minutes of useless recaps of the last twelve episodes of this season. "Sixteen Survivors are abandoned" - if by abandoned one means being given food, ice cream, and more with cameras on you twenty-four seven - "in Rio Negro blah blah blah". Since I don't have to fill up two hours with pointless recaps, I'll just say this: read the last twelve recaps or watched the taped episodes you borrow from your friends. And next time, watch the show, people. Since I'm not in the mood to see the faces of King Dick, Alex, and Ryan on my TV, I walk into the kitchen and count how many spoonfuls of chocolate chip cookie I can eat before the real show begins.

Moon. Lightning. Rain. Four pathetic-looking people straggling back to the camp. It's night thirty-six, and Jabba is still depressed over losing High D. Rat Boy isn't though. As they all rekindle the fire, he says that High D is "hot", but she's like a greeting card where there's this hot girl in the cover but inside it says that no matter how hot a girl is, one gets really tired of putting up with her soon enough. Normally I would question someone calling High D hot, but this is Rat Boy, and at this late stage of the game, it's just not worth the question.

Since we are down to four and Burnetto really has to let Butch speak at least once, Butch says that he is jumping with joy to be in the Final Four. He compares this Four to some college basketball final four. What is he talking about? Please stay quiet, Butch.

Jabba says that it's cool to be the last remaining woman here. She knows she is going, but she has accomplished her goals "and then some". Yeah, and Cruela de Vil is a Nobel Laureate for the Peace thing. Shut up, Jabba.

Queen Elfreda commends Butch on starting the fire without burning what's left of the new camp down. Funny. Not. Hush.

Rat Boy says that it is cool that one of them will win the million dollars. OH SHUT UP. You have no idea how much that thought depresses me.

Jabba says that it's okay if the three men kick her out tomorrow, but she wants them to know that she's really, really glad to be here. Shut up. She's ready to leave, but she's grateful, she reiterates. Shut up, I reiterate.

Butch says that High D is gone even when Jabba asked to be voted out the night before, because the men feel that High D is a threat. They assume that Jabba is a useless, sex-weapon wielding, survival-skill free bimbo who will never win Immunity. That's why I love this season: the men will soon realize how costly their underestimating a skanky bitch will be, heh heh.

Rat Boy says that they are all friends forever - my, isn't someone so Strawberry Shortcake today? - and Queen Elfreda says that may the best man wins. He means this literally: he tells the camera that the men plan to vote out Jabba and then fight for dominion among themselves.

All four raise a toast to Camp Jackanapes.

And then they go to sleep.

Finally.

Day thirty-seven. Queen Elfreda is the first one up, and he's chopping down the camp because he says that demolishing their home gives him a "sense of closure". I wonder if he chops up all his ex-lovers for closure. Then Butch is up too, because remember, he loves his morning wood. Queen Elfreda asks Butch to dance. Now, why does he ask him to dance when he could ask, say, Jabba, to dance instead, I will never know. Butch protests that he doesn't want to embarrass his family but he dances anyway. Queen Elfreda says that Butch has rhythm, if by rhythm he means the man dances like an epileptic nutcase. Rat Boy tells the camera that Butch needs therapy - when Queen Elfreda thinks Butch is a nut, Butch must be a really big nut.

Then they are off to their Immunity Challenge. It begins to rain. They wade across a flooded marsh. Jabba says that she still feels ill and eating only manioc doesn't help, but she'll give her 100% to this challenge. Flodungka said the same thing in The Amazing Race 3 - she'll give her 110% to the last leg of the challenge. Ooh.

In this challenge, all four will be blindfolded. They start off from the center of a maze made out of wood, and they will have to use their hands to navigate their ways to four posts at the edge of the maze. At each post are four necklaces, each representing air, earth, fire, and water. Each Survivor must collect all four (different) necklaces and return to their starting position to win the Cheap Fishbait And Now Singed Necklace. Of course, it is very easy for them because Probby is there, yelling out when someone gets a necklace, causing the rest of the bunch to move towards the direction of Probby's voice. Unless you're Butch, that is. Butch gropes blindly for a clue, in vain, which is a perfect indication of how he has played this entire season. Queen Elfreda bumps against Jabba, causing Probby to call out that Queen Elfreda has copped a feel. "I finally got the opportunity!" Queen Elfreda calls out, and Jabba puts on a mock outraged gasp, "Pervert!" Butch grabs Jabba's armpit and apologizes. "Butch, you're married," Jabba tells him. "I can't help it," Butch says, because it's true: you can't tell the difference between Jabba and a pole.

At this point, Jabba, Queen Elfreda, and Rat Boy all have four necklaces, being the master of groping in the dark that they all are, while Butch has none. Queen Elfreda begins calling out advices to Butch. Probby tells Jabba that the men are all teaming up against her. Jabba says it's not fair and the men will have to fight her to the death for the Immunity. She sniffs - "We'll see!"

Jabba now has all four necklaces, tied with Queen Elfreda. It's now a dash to the starting/finishing point, or rather, I should stay "stumble" instead of "dash". In this case, Jabba - and the world - gives a shocked gasp when she actually touches the finishing post by luck. She has won Immunity!

"Ooh, I'm hot," she says, still in surprise, as Probby puts the necklace around her neck. "That's right," he tells her. "Anything can happen now."

"That's right," she repeats in relief. "Anything can happen."

I actually cheer at this point. The men have it all planned so well, they never see this one coming, did they? Perfect!

The Four now straggle back to Camp Jackanapes once more. Jabba says that she's amazed that the camp is still in one piece. Rat Boy is not happy. The guys have everything planned, he tells the camera, damn it, now everything is ruined. Queen Elfreda says that if only he could have found earth, none of this will have happened. Instead your own "cannot find Earth" joke here. Indeed, the tables are turned for the last time in Camp Jackanapes - as Jabba removes her really dirty socks, the men flock around her like servile studs for the new Amazon queen, hoping to curry her favor. Jabba tells the camera that it feels good to be in charge. I know the feeling, hon.

Queen Elfreda tells the camera that there will be a lot of negotiations tonight. Little does he know. As he and Rat Boy sneak off to lick each other's wound by the river - not that kind of licking, people = Butch is telling Jabba that he believes that he will be voted off, but he really likes to be in the Final Three. Uh, doesn't everybody? He reminds Jabba that the only men she has a grudge against is Rat Boy, but he will let her join the dots in his barely coherent mumblings for herself. Jabba tells him that she doesn't really know what she wants to do yet.

By the river, Rat Boy and Queen Elfreda plan to vote for Butch. They want to be together forever no matter what, so if they both vote for Butch, it doesn't matter whom Jabba votes for. (They don't seem to believe that she will vote out Butch.) Then they will all take on Jabba. Rat Boy, at this point hopeless in love with Queen Elfreda, begs Queen Elfreda not to betray him and punches fists with the latter to seal their pledge.

Queen Elfreda tells the camera that Rat Boy is in trouble because he has betrayed so many people, he has trapped himself in a corner and the only person who can help him out now is - "Yours truly," Queen Elfreda says with an evil smile and an even more evil gleam in his eyes.

So then we see Queen Elfreda and Jabba sitting and plotting together as something is cooking in the pot nearby. Queen Elfreda tells her that they both stand a good chance with the Jury because they both have not betrayed anybody in the back. He proposes an alliance based on "voting strategy", whatever that means. If he wins the next Immunity, he will take her to the Final Two and vice versa. This is provided that Jabba votes out Butch tonight, because as Queen Elfreda says, while Butch hasn't betrayed anyone, he hasn't done much of anything else either. Jabba is interested with the proposal because she also believes that Butch does nothing to deserve the Final Three position, but she is also aware that Queen Elfreda may be lying to her. Oh well, she says, if he screws her over, he'll have to deal with her at the Jury.

Butch walks past, and they keep quiet. To the camera, she wonders, who shall she vote out? What it will be? Butch or Rat Boy?

Queen Elfreda ponders whether to honor this alliance with Jabba and stab the others in the back or not. Oh, the agony.

I'd have thought they would never compete on this show if they are so hung up on integrity and loyalty, but there you go. Jabba, at least, is honest in that she's a backstabbing skanky bitch. Queen Elfreda, what a "Thou Protesth Too Much" tool.

Night time at the Tribal Council. Jeff Proboscis has a wide grin today. After all, the season is ending soon, hurray, and he can go back to Colby. The Jury walk in too, and Jabba smiles when she sees High D.

The expected chit-chat ensues. Butch tells Probby that he got this far because "I didn't make a lotta loud and noisy comments and didn't cut anybody down. I was very positive with everybody." In short, he just doesn't do anything. Queen Elfreda says that his key to lasting this long in the game is to be versatile and honest while having a "multi-faceted strategy". He sounds more and more like a sack of BS every day. Rat Boys says he has zigged and zagged and zigged and zagged back again, which is simply his zig-zag way of saying "I screwed everybody, wa-hey!" Probby expresses his surprise that Jabba is here, expecting her to quit. He obviously hasn't watched The Amazing Race 3. Jabba says that she's had her "high highs" and "low lows" but she'll kick herself if she quits.

Jabba says that yes, she talked to all the men today. Rat Boy says that he's tried to get her lunch and tell her she's beautiful... seriously, he says, it doesn't matter. He's certain that Jabba's mind is made up and there's nothing he can say or do to change it. A statement which Queen Elfreda has proven to be false. Rat Boy at this stage of the game seems to have lost his touch.

After more silly chit-chat, it's time to vote.

Rat Boy's vote is for Butch. " I don't think all the firewood in the forest is going to keep your torch lit tonight, buddy. Nice game."

Jabba - Butch.

Butch - Rat Boy. "Rob, this is nothing against you personally, but right now I know that you're voting for me and I'm voting for you just because I hope somebody else votes against you for a tie vote. That's my only salvation at this time. I wish you the very best, you were a good kid. Hopefully I'll be around to maybe see you in a few days."

Queen Elfreda - Butch.

Queen Elfreda and Jabba exchange a look as Probby announces the votes. Butch is gone. Zoings. Queen Elfreda salutes him - oh give me a break - and then wipes his face with his hand, eyes red and looking so so sad. In the Jury, Dr Dave shakes his head.

In his final words, Butch tells everybody to "believe in yourself". After all, look at him - he made Survivor. Butch, don't even try to sell motivational books. Stick to your day job.

The remaining three walk back to the camp, where Burnetto has released zillions of "killer moth" (as Jabba calls them) to sting them to death. I heart Burnetto.

It's the thirty-eighth day. An eagle takes to the air. Queen Elfreda chops wood. The remaining three decide to have the biggest manioc breakfast ever today, so he's getting them more wood than usual. Jabba thinks Rat Boy makes good manioc patties.

They have tree mail. Jabba hopes it's a candy bar. However, they get a scale, covered with a cloth parchment thing that tells them to enjoy seeing how much weight they have lost. Jabba is supernaturally delighted to learn that they are all going to find out how much is left of them after thirty-eight days.

Queen Elfreda weighs sixty-four kilos. Jabba, like most of America, doesn't know what kilo is, so he helpfully tells her that 2.2 kilos equal one pound. He has lost sixteen kilos during this show. For Americans, he converts that to mean that he has lost twenty eight pounds. Most of that, he suspects, is his muscle mass. Rat Boy believes the scale to be wrong because he - after some mental calculation - can't weigh 130 pounds like the scale says he is. Jabba weighs ninety-nine pounds, which means she has lost around nineteen pounds. She says it will be fun regaining all the weight she has lost.

All the maths are making my head dizzy, by the way.

Look, there's Probby himself, walking up the camp! He looks freshly bathed too. "What's up guys?" he asks.

He tells the Three that they are in for a treat. A skyplane will take them to see the Amazon from the sky, and after that, they will canoe to a Secret Location where they will have to do things for the Final Immunity Challenge. So they go - lots of really beautiful scenery fit for a Discovery Channel documentary. Still, Rat Boy reminds us that the game is far from over yet.

Then the three paddle to a "weed-choked river" (Queen Elfreda's own words) to a small hut, where they are expected to adorn themselves with cheap beady jewelry, headgear, and face paint. Jabba looks like some bastardized Malachi Princess and the two men end up looking like some tribal Chicken Suit Guy as they all paddle towards the Final Council. Hey, if they're happy with how they look, I have no complains.

The Jury will be watching this Final Immunity, ooh. It's like having all your high school bullies coming to see you sign a million dollar deal that will allow you to retrench all of them from their minimum-wage jobs.

The "purest immunity challenge", as Probby puts it, is for the three to stand on a perch, hold up their headgear, don't move, and the person to do this longest wins the Immunity. No kidding. I've heard people say that this challenge is biased towards Jabba, but I'm not too sure - do swimsuit models practise this particular balance act every day? I don't think so. It isn't as rigged as that Big Brother 3 challenge where they had Amy the multiple beauty-pageant veteran compete with the others in balancing a book on their head the longest.

C Girl bends forward from her seat in the Jury, watching intently, while Queen Hippodeena has a scornful expression on her face.

Anyway, Queen Elfreda muses earlier that he believes it is best that he throws the challenge and takes a gamble on the remining two taking him to the Final Two. So he "falls" down soon after. In the Jury, Alex snorts and shrugs. Dr Dave just gaze, keeping his face expressionless. Rat Boy asks Jabba if they want to make a deal. Jabba says no, she'd rather take this to the better end in a showdown of Mary Magdalene versus Judas Iscariot kind of melodrama. High D smiles. Probby asks Queen Elfreda whether the latter is surprised by Rat Boy's action, to which Queen Elfreda says that he'd do the same if he's in Rat Boy's position. Now Jabba and Rat Boy are staring at each other while the Jury watch with increasingly bored expressions on their face ("Hurry up! I want to go back to my comfy bed in the Loser Lodge and have a nice hot shower!") until Jabba's Evil Lynn Stare is too much for Rat Boy. He falls. Jabba wins the final immunity.

Alex grins and licks his lips - don't ask - while High D quietly cheers.

Now the three take a seat before Probby and the Jury.

Rat Boy says that he knows he's not in a good position right now, but he did the best he could. Queen Elfreda says that he fell out early because he was tired - yeah right - and he hopes that Jabba makes the correct decision. Jabba says she will choose the person to come with her to the Final Two based on loyalty and hard work. She claims that she wants to beat someone who's a worthy contender, even if she loses $900,000 in the process. Without irony, she says that she has played a god game and she'll take on the biggest competitor.

Like the dark Queen of the Amazon that she is, she walks to the Voting Booth. Queen Elfreda punches fists with Rat Boy and says, "May the best man go to the Final Two."

And Jabba throws Rat Boy to the flames as C Girl and Alex grin widely. Alex grins a lot, doesn't he? "It's okay," Rat Boy assures Jabba, holding her hand briefly before walking to Probby with his torch. Jabba doesn't tell him, "As if I care!" but come on, she is definitely thinking that.

I'm quite sorry to see him go, to be honest. Rat Boy, loathsome, funny, vile, and amusing, is the life of this show. Below is his entire unedited final words:

"Well what can I say, thirty eight days out in the Amazon, much more than I thought I would make it here. Third place. I'll take that any day of the week. It's not the Sole Survivor, it's not second place, but it's a pretty respectable finish nonetheless. I had a feeling it was going to go down like this once I saw the Immunity Challenge. I can't believe that Matt stepped off after about five seconds and I knew it was going to be tough to beat Jenna. Tried to make a deal, didn't work out.

"I asked the Eight Ball while she was voting if it was going to be me. It said 'You may rely on it." No regrets. No hard feelings. I came here because I wanted to play this game. It's the most exciting game that somebody could hope to play in their lifetime. I am so lucky to have the opportunity to come here. I've gotten breaks up until this point. I have honestly no complaints. I wouldn't change anything in how I played the game. Most tremendous time of my entire life. So many highs. So many lows. But I will always hold these last 38 days in my heart, in a special place. And I will just be eternally grateful for having the opportunity to come out here and play the game for as long as I have and the way I wanted to do it. The best experience I could ever hope for. Thank you.

"I am a little disappointed. I thought we were going to come here tonight and answer questions about the Survivors, personal information was really my forte. And I am pretty sure I could have beaten Matt and Jenna in the Final Two. I really brought Matt to this point of the game as well as helped Jenna out a lot at different points but I mean this game is such a crapshoot. You can't predict. There's no done deals. I never thought to myself how I would spend the million dollars or how I would do anything except the next three days. I planned in advance if it got to this point. I never looked past third place once I got to this point.

"There's a couple things you could say that I did wrong. I mean I decided to vote out Christy before Jenna and Heidi and I also decided to vote out Heidi before Jenna. But given the information I had at the time... Jenna was on death's door. Who knew she would have a remarkable turnaround and beat Butch, Matt and myself yesterday and in two consecutive immunity challenges. The girl is just determined and I give her all the credit in the world for it. Strategically, I don't think there was any major blunders on my part. I did the best with the information I had at the time. Of course, hindsight is 20/20. But who knows? Heidi could just as easily won that challenge today.

"It will remain to be seen whether or not this experience changes me in any life-altering way. I did learn some things about myself. I learned that I can do anything I put my mind to, that I never been out in the jungle or the woods or any place remotely outside before in my entire life. And I came out here, and not only survived, but thrived for thirty-eight days. So I learned a lot about my will and determination as well as the fact that I've become an adult.

"I don't know if was along the way here or sometime before here. But I do realize that I am an adult, a grown up now. And it's a powerful feeling. Anything I want in this world, I have the power to go for it with full force. Before I came here I would refer to myself as a kid or just as... I looked at myself as not being a part of the adult community. Still in, I don't know if you can say fantasy land, but just part of not having a lot of responsibility. But being out here, being responsible for not only my safety but alliances and general living out here, I really did learn a lot about myself. That I am very capable and it's a good feeling. In my regular life I have a safety net below me. I live at home. I have a comfortable job where my parents are friends with my boss that I work with. It's a real safety net where even if I go completely off the course, there's somebody there to catch me if I fall. But here, I was walking the trapeze without a net. I took a ton of risks in this game. It's amazing to think some of the gambles I took in this game that I made it to third place.

"I really have honestly no complaints. I said I wasn't going to stop smiling until they put my torch out and, you know what? I'm still smiling."

Morning, day thirty-nine. The final day. Yes! One more week to go before The Amazing Race 4 begins!

It is raining and Jabba looks miserable. Then again, she always looks miserable. She and Queen Elfreda take white paint and add the last line to the calender on the tree in the camp.

Wait, you think you can escape the "Walk Of Past" or whatever they call those sentimental tinky-tinky flashback montage of previous contestants thing? Guess again. This time our Final Two decide to write down the names of all the previous contestants on a box - abetted by Burnetto, no doubt - and yup, tinky-tinky time.

Queen Elfreda writes down Ryan's name and says that Ryan is a "decent guy". Jabba talks about Janet, calls her motherly, and Queen Elfreda is impressed that they voted her out on the sixth day. Queen Elfreda calls Danny Boy a "decent guy" and speculates that Hosannah the Bride of Satan is probably difficult to deal with. Jabba holds her peace. Jabba calls Chef Jeanne the hard worker and mentions Shameless Shawna, who Queen Elfreda claims to remember. He calls King Dick everybody's favorite guy while Jabba mists over Dr Dave's "Boo-yah!" I am still annoyed that I never got to see Dr Dave in speedos on TV. Jabba calls Queen Hippodeena strong, talks about her time with Alex, and holds her tongue as Queen Elfreda calls C Girl an independent woman. Then Jabba sniffs as Queen Elfreda brings up High D, and he sniffs when Butch is next. Butch is his fishing buddy after all. Then we have Rat Boy, whom Queen Elfeda says he owes everything to. Jabba says that they will all have never met in real life, and now, by writing their names on a stupid box, she will finally have closure.

Scenery. Waves! Birds!

Queen Elfreda says he is still amazed that he lasted this far. Whatever. Next!

Jabba says she has worked so hard to be here but she still can't believe she made it this far. You lie. And yes, I can't believe it either. Next!

Queen Elfreda reveals that he threw the last Immunity Challenge - pffft.

Jabba says that we should all never underestimate people who are small, skinny, or "whatever" and - I can't hear you la la la la.

Queen Elfreda tears down the entire camp, including the tree mail box, stacks everything on the boats, and create a bonfire. For "closure". "Closure" comes out often during this episode, but I suspect that these people are using the word all wrong. A mini explosion almost sends Queen Elfreda flying. Jabba says that it is cool to watch everything burns.

I told you they are both crazy and should be locked up.

As they both take off to the Tribal Council, Rat Boy, freshly shaved and all cleaned up, says that in the end, it finally boils down to the battle of the sexes. Calling both players dishonest (pot, kettle, black), he pregers to vote not for Jabba or Queen Elfreda but option C - none of the above. C Girl says that Jabba is a strong and charming woman who made it this far while Queen Elfreda is a sincere and caring guy if you care to know him. Alex says that he wants an honest response from the Final Two. Here's honest, Alex: you suck and you lost, so suck on that, loser. High D says that while Queen Elfreda is honest and plays well, Jabba is High D's "Number One Hero" so too bad, Queen Elfreda. (Is High D going to turn lesbian stalker on Jabba?) Butch has shaved off his moustache and says that Queen Elfreda is more deserving a winner because he worked and contributed to the tribe. Queen Hippodeena says that "workhorse" Queen Elfreda "worked his way to the top" while "sex goddess" Jabba - pregnant pause here - "played her way to the top". Dr Dave says that the Final Two are pulled all the way here by other people, so what the heck, he's basing his vote tonight on who will give him an intelligent answer and who will talk their way out of their asses again.

Night falls, Tribal Council. Probby tells them the usual BS that he says in every Final Tribal Council. He then invites the Final two to give their sales pitch.

Jabba says she doesn't have much to say, except that she knows the Jury will make an educated decision. She played the game "morally" and that's all she has to say.

Queen Elfreda pitches his hard work, his fishing skills, his dedication, his competitiveness, his optimism, his integrity, his morality, his not killing Alex when that freak rolls up his eyes at his pitch, and um, oh yeah, he wants to share his integrity with everybody in the Jury. Who must be impressed by now, I'm sure.

Now it's the Jury's turn to grill the Final Two.

Butch is first. Queen Elfreda asks him to watch out and Butch steps out of a falling branch just in time. Mama Amazon is trying to avenge Butch for burning Camp Jackanapes, but now, Queen Elfreda has foiled this plan! Curses. Butch talks about honesty and integrity and demands a "yes" or "no" answer from the Final Two: have they been deceitful? Oh please, you sanctimonious freak, of course you're honest - you didn't actually do anything to be put in a position of having to lie! Butch, shut up.

Jabba says yes, she lied to Queen Hippodeena. Queen Elfreda says he lied to King Dick and Alex, Alex to save his own skin.

Rat Boy borrows and modifies a question from Erin Boobavich and asks why the other person does not deserve to be in the Final Two.

Queen Elfreda repeats his "workhouse" pitch while Jabba says that Queen Elfreda doesn't need the money, doesn't care about people (that's why he worked so hard to feed everybody) and this whole thing is just an "adventure" for him.

Alex says he doesn't want to hear the words "honesty" or "integrity" anymore. Neither do I. He just wants to know what is each contestant's biggest regret and why.

Jabba regrets trusting some people too much. Queen Elfreda regrets his naivete and allying with the wrong people that almost caused him to go two weeks in depression.

High D asks if there is anybody they think deserve to be in the Final Two.

Both agre that Rat Boy should be here.

"Is there anybody else?" High D asks Jabba pleadingly.

Probby, trying not to laugh at High D's pathetic need to be acknowledged by Jabba, tells her that her question is answered, so can High D please sit down? High D holds back tears and her lips tremble - she dolled up today just for Jabba, only Jabba, so how could Jabba not see the love in High D's eyes, so the cruelty of it all? Oh, the pain of unrequited love.

Queen Hippodeena brings up Jabba's saying that Queen Elfreda doesn't need the money and asks Jabba whether "need" is a good determinant for the winner. Jabba says that she will vote based on need, so Queen Hippodeena should too, because it's all about Jabba! Queen Hippodeena then brings up Queen Elfreda's saying "May the best man wins" in some previous Tribal Council and then harangues the man about How Offensive she finds this Sexist Phrase The Power Of Woman The Strength Of The Vagina Monologues blah blah blah. Queen Elfreda says that he doesn't recall making that statement but he regrets it. He's no chauvinist, he says, but he may be a bit too confident in assuming that he, Rat Boy, and Butch have everything ziplocked.

C Girl says hi, makes a show of adjusting her hearing aid, and then asks Queen Elfreda what his reaction is when he realizes that she is deaf. He says that he treats her like everybody else and at first, he thought she had a "funky accent". C Girl then turns to Jabba and brings up Jabba's saying that she is "handicapped" by her beauty. Can Jabba explain how she can be "handicapped" by her beauty? I really don't know what C Girl is getting here, unless it's All About C Girl she's talking about, which I suspect be very well the case here. C Girl, in her own way, is as self-absorbed as Jabba. Jabba talks about how people think of her as shallow, selfish, and all just because she's 21, a swimsuit model, and "attractive-looking". Funny me, I thought she's shallow and selfish the moment she opens her mouth.

Dr Dave's turn now. The moment he opens his mouth, I remember why I like him best when he's shirtless and mute. "What modern influential leader did you emulate during the fame and what qualities do you feel, from that individual, that you've shown best?" What on earth? Does he think this is a scholarship interview or something? May as well ask the two to solve a calculus differentiation problem.

Queen Elfreda answers Colin Powell. Alex makes that annoying eye roll again. Dude, you lost, dude, get over it. Queen Elfreda talks about versatility but not really actually tying this versatility up to Colin Powell. If this is a college admission question, I don't think his long but substance-free answer will cut it. Jabba is even better. She says that Dr Dave asked a very good question but she really doesn't follow people she sees on TV or read in the papers (translation: she probably doesn't know the names of any "influential leader") so she'll go with her parents because they are strong people, blah blah blah. Spoken like a true swimsuit model in a beauty pageant. She's got this one made.

Finally, Probby invites the Final Two to give their final words. Queen Elfreda for some reason admits that he has lied to everybody and doesn't deserve to be put on a pedestal. Jabba admits that she's useless as a tribe member but when it comes to saving herself, she did it. I don't really get her logic but I don't think the Jury is listening. These bunch look bored, they are barely listening to the Final Two's answers - they probably have their mind made up already who's the winner.

So there they go to the voting booth. Butch votes for Queen Elfreda as the winner because this is Butch, always out of the voting loop until the bitter end. He says that Queen Elfreda is honest and therefore the "true Survivor winner" of this season. Look, you old coot, this is not Bible Camp, so seriously, shut up already about this honesty thing. Six seasons of Survivor and you still expect people to be "honest" in this game? Get over yourself. High D votes for Jabba because she loves Jabba, she adores Jabba, she blows Jabba air kisses, she trusts Jabba under any circumstances, and Jabba calls for a restraining order on her lesbian stalker. We don't see who Rat Boy is voting for, but we hear him congratulate the only two people whom he has never voted for.

We don't get to see the other three Jury members' speech, although we did see Dr Dave trying to peek into the vote pot (he's the last to cast the vote). They are not provided in Survivor Insider either. There are conspiracy theorists who suggest that this may be because C Girl misread Probby and thought that she was voting for the person she wants out, but I don't think Burnetto will be so careless as to let this happen. Most likely, all six of them told the camera, "I don't care who wins, I'm voting by alphabetical order, Jabba has only five letters while Matthew has seven, there - JABBA, J-A-B-B-A - happy now? Now get me off this horrible, wet, smelly place NOW!" That's why they didn't reveal the three Jury members' speech.

Queen Elfreda closes his eyes. Jabba covers her face with her hands for a while, and then looks up as Probby comes back from "tallying" the votes. He then tells the gang that he will reveal the vote only when they are back in the USA. Leaving behind the others, he jumps on a waterski and varooms himself back to USA. To make room for the results, quite a lot of exciting scenes are left on the cutting room floor, apparently including those scenes where Jeff gets captured by Man-Eating Teletubbies, where Jeff rescues Porno and CC from Conservative Cannibals in Fiji (now you know why they don't show up on the Reunion show), where Jeff crosses the Bermuda Triangle and gets sucked to a distant planet where he topples down Evil Emperor Ming and impregnated Ming's besotted pet cow, with several gratuitous hardcore sex scenes with Colby tossed in here and there. Aren't you glad that they removed all these boring footages for the results?

We see Probby pause his jetski to look at the Statue of Liberty (obligatory patriotic moment - and of course, for the viewers who really need assurance that the reunion show takes place in America and not, say, France or other Dixie Chicks loving country) before turning one-eighty back again. Then he takes the vote pot down a subway - damn, how come nobody mugs him? - endures the stares of fellow subway train passengers, and then dashes out to run into the Dave Letterman studio. The live audience cheer. Colby must be so happy that his boyfriend is so rugged and macho.

We now see the Jury and the Final Two, all cleaned up. Queen Elfreda, clean shaven and too much gel in his spiky hair, looks very different. Jabba looks like, well, I'm quite happy to see that she has a double chin thing going. These two are so hunky-dory, it's like watching the conception of Rosemary's Baby waiting to happen. No doubt each has decided that the best strategy will be to hook up. That way, no matter who wins the million dollars, everybody wins!

Probby asks Jabba whom she thinks will vote for her. She hopes Alex and High D will. Queen Elfreda believes that Butch and C Girl are on his side. Hah! He is wrong, because see, Probby reveals the vote, and only Butch voted for Queen Elfreda! Jabba wins 6-1. Woo-hoo!

Jabba gasps, stands up, hugs Queen Elfreda and then everybody else, including the cast-offs that don't make the jury but are now coming out for the Reunion Show. Jabba seems more excited to see Shameless Shawna than High D. Probby shows the clip of C Girl saying that she will never ever vote for Jabba or High D and then asks the million-dollar question: why did C Girl change her mind? (In the Reunion Show, she says something about how she knew Jabba first, longer than Queen Elfreda - in short, she probably doesn't know or care herself.)

And that's it. That's the end.

Oh, alright, let me say that I'm not that hostile at Jabba winning this season. Why not? Looking at the entire season as whole, Survivor Amazon is a classic tale of betrayals, dark irony, hubris, and clueless schemings, so it only seems appropriate that the most useless, bitchy, and whiniest of them all will win this thing, mostly by luck and also because the Jury members decide and understand that she is the biggest and nastiest of them all when it comes to lowering the bar. In a show where the psycho turns out to be the hero, the poor little deaf girl a Cinderella with a broken slipper, and people literally eliminate each other with hubris and ego while a Rat Boy scampers around picking up the droppings, hey, give it to Jabba. She deserves it. She's truly the lowest of the low - a true winner! I love it!

Before YouTube, recapping music videos is totally a thing and not a waste of time. Really..

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