SURVIVOR

Amazon Episode 1: Boys vs Girls

Anacondas! Storms! Natives! Crocodiles!

We pan in on a riverboat traveling along the Amazon River. Jeff Proboscis, looking really worse for wear, struts up to announce that this boat is carrying sixteen new freaks to terrorize the Amazon forest for the next thirty-odd days. Some geography lesson from Probby: the Amazon river is two and a half million miles in length and a really important source of fresh water and Matthew Queen Elfreda's nipples can be used as satellite dishes if these people ever need a new source of entertainment. No, I made that last one up. Queen Elfreda's nipples are satellite dishes, but Probby didn't say that aloud. We are then told of the disasters that can threaten our freaks. Anacondas! Dry season! Floods! Piranhas! Crocodiles! Don't forget the anaconda! And, of course, sixteen bumbling idiotic famewhores!

I bet this year there will be terrifying dangers to our Amazonian heroes and heroines, just like that trained lion Burnett ordered to roar outside the African camps three seasons ago. Or maybe like that Magilla the Magic Monkey that almost caused the Thai freaks to almost die of starvation. I can't wait for the capibaras to come out and eat them all.

Incidentally, let's go over the freaks first. Boy, the men are mostly hideous this season. You guys are lucky: the women are easier on the eyes. Men: there is, of course, the queenly-looking Queen Elfreda of the Amazon with his Humongous Man Nips that are rivalled only by King Roger's. There is the Rat Boy with his Magic Eight Ball, Alex with his flight strip nose and a face with the smooth texture rivalled only by the surface of the moon, the pretty model Ryan, the token minority guy Danny Boy with his Giant Stomper Arms, a school principal named Butch, and the aeronautics expert, sorry, rocket scientist Dr Dave. The women are the albino-like High-D, the mostly deaf C Girl, the housewife Janet, the prayer-friendly Hosannah, beauty queen Jenna with meagre IQ to complete the stereotype, the butch Deena or Hippodeena the Queen as I'd like the call her (we need a Queen from each tribe), the rusty-voiced Jeanne, and Shawna who is cast just to be the obligatory Sweetheart of the Season.

Of the guys, I can only bear to look at Danny Boy and Dr Dave. Butch is easy on the eyes but geez, he's Butch - Butch, people! Queen Elfreda is way too much like a drama queen. I expect him to melt down soon. My husband likes Shawna and High-D and swears that Queen Hippodeena is actually Jeff Bridges in drag.

Naturally, I am with the gals and he's with the guys. But by the end of the show, we are both so humiliated by our gender on the show, we don't just want to swap sexes, we want to renounce humanity altogether. God, the women are so incompetent and dumb and the men are totally obnoxious and disgusting! I'm getting ahead of myself but in this episode alone, only Queen Hippodeena, C Girl, and Dr Dave escape with any dignity intact, although the jury is still out regarding Dr Dave.

Anyway, back to the Amazonian riverboat ride. We're actually at the north end of the river, in the Brazilian region called the Rio Negro. "Guess who will survive!" Probby yells at the camera in an unconvincing display of macho virility.

Then we cut to the opening credits. Everything looks green but this may be the first time that every freak on the show looks good in the credits. It's like a soft porn skin flick on the girls' side while the men's clips on the credits look like over-the-top male maschismo gone haywire. But that's the underlying theme of this episode, at least.

Credits over, back to the show. Two rowboats are tied to the net at one side of the riverboat. The riverboat has stopped. Jeff begins calling out members to join a certain tribe. "Jeanne, High D, Hosannah, Jenna, C Girl...!" The men begin to look at each other askance as it becomes apparent that the girls will be assigned to one tribe. High D tells the camera proudly that she knows about this the moment the fifth girl's name is called out. Um, smart one, isn't she? Hosannah is excited. Queen Hippodeena is even more excited because this means that every gal can openly pee before each other. I don't know whether to be mildly disturbed or to applaud such open and liberal attitude towards body functions. I bet she'll be a real asset when the gals simultaneously experience their periods later during the season.

King Roger, the construction dude, says that this is pathetic. Women don't have the strength, he claims. Well, Roger, they don't have members named Butch and Roger either and they certainly don't have Rat Boy and Queen Elfreda as well. Especially with Butch, Roger, and men who enjoy straddling and humping tree logs too much, I'd hesitate to lay claim to masculine virility if I were you. Spudhead.

Danny Boy says gleefully that there is no way the guys will ever get to Tribal Council. There's no way the women will beat them - ever. I'm sure if we comes down to putting both feet into one's mouth, yeah, the guys win hands down because Danny Boy will hand them the victory with his heels stuffed down his throat. Nice arms and butt, but what a dim-witted twit.

Jenna says that she now wants to win just to shut the cocky men up. Jenna, go easy on the "cocky" bit. We don't want to add any extra inches to the men's already bloated ego.

Queen Elfreda leans against the boat, reclining like a sulky James Deanesque type as he waits for his name to be called last. The thing is, with that hair, those shades, and an official bio on Survivor peppered with wrestling fetish and French words I can't pronounce, he comes off like so gay. I can't wait to see this butch ex-wrestler and braggart explorer make Rat Boy and Danny Boy his bitches. It'll be like Oz set in the Amazon with Queen Elfreda playing the role of the sex-mad tyrant prison officer. Don't bend over to pick up the soap in the Amazon river, guys, Queen Elfreda is lurking nearby.

Jeff gives the tribe their names. The men are the Tampa Queens while the women are the Jamboree. Okay, Tambaqui - a fish - and Jaburu - a bird. But the men are all queens while the women are inept Girl Guides, so Tampa Queens and Jamboree will do just nicely.

Incidentally, let me point out how screwed up this arrangement is. On the guys' side, we have a construction manager (King Roger), a worldly traveler (Queen Elfreda), a rocket scientist (Dr Dave), a computer analyst (Rat Boy), a wrestler (Danny Boy), a triathlete (Alex), and the useless model Ryan aside, we also have a school principal (Butch) to rein in the boys. On the gals' side, we have a children's tour guide (C Girl), deputy district attorney (Queen Hippodeena), teachers (Janet and Hosannah), physical ed teacher (High D), marketing ladies (Jeanne and Shawna), and - good grief - a swimsuit model (Jenna). Hello? Can we say one-sided competition? Look at the women's occupations and the men's - it's as if Mark Burnetto has casted these freaks out of a 1950s Republican family values brochure. Look at the men's muscles and then look at High D's scrawny frame and let's weep. What happened to female wrestlers and rocket scientists? Jeez, really, no wonder my husband is so confident of winning the bet we have between us as to which tribe will outperform the other before the merge. Shame on you, Burnetto. I hope the wife makes you sleep on the couch for at least a year.

Anyway, the freaks are now on their rowboats. "Shove off!" Probby yells at them.

The Tampa Queens row away to the right. But Shawna is really having troubles untying the knot so the Jamborees can only clutch at their paddles and watch as the Queens row away. Shawna feels so stupid. Tell me about it. I want to cringe. This is not a good omen.

Ryan tells the camera that he is annoyed because his strategy in this game is to use his manly *ahem* masculinity to impress the ladies. Now he is stuck in a "sausage fest" instead. Firstly, a man who uses the phrase "sausage fest" is definitely suspect of playing for the other field, so I'm sure, Ryan, you shouldn't feel so bad. Look, there's Queen Elfreda and his machete. You can learn to love the sausage fest, I'm sure. Is Danny Boy the one who claims on the official site that his favorite smell is "morning wood"? I suspect these guys won't be so unhappy in Tampa Queen. All of them are probably gay. This is the gayest show ever, gayer than a Queer As Folk episode guest-starring Liberace, kd lang, and ten thousand pairs of Speedos.

Jenna, Ryan's female counterpart, says that she is in a nightmare. She can't dazzle anyone anymore with the swimsuits she has brought along. Oh bummer. I'm not so sure, Jenna. How do you know if the Jamborees won't enjoy watching you in a swimsuit? High D is a physical ed teacher, and you know what they say about physical ed teachers. I think Mark Burnetto has just passed a landmark in TV history: this must be the first TV show ever to be this gay.

The Tampa Queens find their freak hole first. All of them hop down and Dr Dave says that everyone is excited. Oh goody, orgy... wait, no orgy. Bummer. "That was easy!" the Queens say as they look around their Den of Man Love. They find an ax and a Community Barrel and a barrel filled with yellow rice. All of them place their hands together in a Band of Brothers whoopy-bonding thing. Then Danny Boy hacks away at the box with the ax. Dr Dave tells the camera that physically, the guys are more adept. Ryan says that the bottom line is, Tampa Queens are not going to lose. He is glad that the ladies and their bikinis are here to provide eye candy, but the ladies are useless. Tool. "Be careful with the machete," Butch - or is it King Roger? - warns. Gay. In the barrel are five gallons of water, kerosene, two lanterns, flint, fishing lines, and a mysterious box marked "Do not open. The instructions will appear when you least expect it" (maybe it's enema to help the boys in their lovin' feelings). The camera pans in on Alex's impressive Trenches In Kossovo face as Butch calls for a group hug. Gay, gay, gay!

Meanwhile at Jamboree, their freak hole is more open. High D says they are so excited. Is this show scripted?

Then C Girl announces that she is partially deaf. She can speak, but in a monotone typical of people with hearing disorders, and she tends to slur her words after a while when she's animated. She has guts to come onto this show, especially when understanding and patience will be in short supply as everyone else just wants to win a million dollars. C Girl tells the others that she needs them to look at her and speak slowly if they want her to understand what she is saying. I notice that Queen Hippodeena is the first to smile and look at C Girl directly before repeating her name to C Girl. I like this woman already.

Jenna tells the camera that she doesn't know how this tribe with C Girl in it will work out. My suggestion, you dim bulb, is to look at C Girl when you are speaking and speak it slowly. Hosannah asks them not to reveal C Girl's deafness to the boys, which is wise if you ask me. If C Girl makes it through to the merge, she can spy on the boys for the girls. Loudmouths like Rat Boy and Ryan and Danny Boy will definitely underestimate C Girl and open their big fat yap in her presence.

Day one in Tampa Queen: Danny Boy is really cute. He has "Dim sex toy" written all across his yummy and powerfully muscled chest. Butch is lecturing the boys to walk around, look around, and come back here to compare notes. After all, nobody wants to be a leader yet. "Who becomes a leader gets voted off first, right?" he says to weak laughter. So someone has been watching the show after all. Rat Boy tells the camera that he likes Butch because Butch is sharp despite having a name like that.

King Roger who haven't listened to Butch about leaders getting voted off early immediately starts rallying the boys to build shelter and make fire. Alex and he argue about something while Danny Boy just stands there, dim and lost. Later, we are treated with much macho scenes of men pulling down trees and chopping trees hard to vent off their sexual frustrations. Dr Dave says that he has missed his calling as a lumberjack. If that isn't an invitation for the other Queens to saw his log, I don't know what is. Gay. King Roger, a construction guy, tells the others about creating a "Y" structure for a sturdier shelter, and the guys use the kerosene to start a fire.

Life begins in Tampa Queen.

At Jamboree, heh heh. Queen Hippodeena is playing with a large leaf while Hosannah and Shawna, probably having seen it on TV, is trying to use the stick and stone way to start a fire. Ladies, have you opened the Community Barrel yet? Kerosene, ladies, kerosene and flint, for goodness sake! The very puny fire sputters. Shawna calls the fire starting activity an absolute "fiasco". Then Queen Hippodeena calls for a pow-wow. She asks them their priorities. High D tells the camera that she finds the Queen bossy and she just wants a place to sleep. Yeah, you albino teeth with breasts, go sleep and be quiet, because your Daffy Duck on helium voice and whininess are all grating on my nerves. Finally, the Queen Hippodeena tells half the girls to look for wood and the other half to start a bigger fire.

We then see Janet chopping lifelessly at a tree. Hosannah watches as the tree she fell gets caught in the branches of another. The machete gets stuck in the wood. Let's just say the Amazons of the jungles are having a fabulous time at Camp Kiddie Survival. Jeanne says in a disconsolate voiceover that oh well, they will make it in the end. They will kick the guys' butts. Keep repeating that, ladies, and who knows, it may just happen when somehow lightning strikes and razes the guys' camp down. Somehow.

In Tampa Queen, the guys have built a nice structure built from large leaves. Told you having a construction guy helps, especially a bossy construction guy. Butch then produces his luxury item: his school banner with a large "Enema is cool", sorry, I mean, "Believe in yourself" written across it in blue. As he explains some nonsense about how he wants this banner to inspire the boys, the camera pans in on Danny Boy taking his shirt. Ooh. Are those pecs real? Can I check by squeezing them? Dr Dave says that "Believe in yourself" is a good motto. Someone suggested that they can also use this banner as a cover when it rains. I notice that Butch isn't laughing at this suggestion. Oh dear, that guy has no sense of humor.

Rat Boy - if I don't have to see his snivelling ugly mug on TV again after this, I'd be grateful - comments that "Camp Vagina Monologues" - as opposed to Camp Sausage Fest, I suppose - must be having a tough time right now. The gals must be horrified that there will be no guys to help them around. Butch chimes in his agreement to the camera. I'm sure Butch's wife listening at home must be very proud, as will the girls in Butch's clan. When Butch gets home, I bet there will be lots of lovin' spreading around.

Back at Jamboree, Queen Hippodeena sadly points out that they take six hours to start a fire and at the end of the day, they only manage to cut down four puny logs. I am so embarrassed for them and for my gender, watching them, just as hubby is already slightly green in the face at the thought of Rat Boy, Ryan, and Butch representing his gender. All the gals sleep on the ground when night falls because remember, who has the time to focus on building a shelter? This is like watching Barbie Dolls trying to survive in the wilderness. They will no doubt freeze to death or eat poisonous pretty mushrooms. The questionable decision to sleep on the ground aside, these women have fun bashing the men. But poor C Girl, in the dark she can't read lips, so she's lost. She tells the camera that this is okay, she is used to it as it happens every time: she just has a bigger disadvantage. Aww. I know the show is being edited deliberately so that I will pity her, but at this point, I'd rather fall for this than to watch the Jamboree's monstrous ineptness. C Girl adds that she doesn't want her disadvantage to be an issue at this point.

Later, she just lies there, lost and alone, as the others dash off to do God knows what in the middle of the night. Poor C Girl. But you go and sleep dear, there's a big chance that the others will get eaten by anacondas and you'll never have to see them again, hopefully.

Dawn, day two in the Amazon Humiliation Show. Jamboree wakes up, whiny and crotchety. Jenna whines that it is awful to sleep on the ground and have bugs crawling all over you. I really don't know whether to laugh and wail in embarrassment at this statement. Janet complains that there are spiders and... eeuw. Yeah, spiders in the Amazon. Who would have thought there are nasty creatures around this place, huh? Then everyone screams as they notice a giant tarantula on their Community Barrel. "Kill it! Kill it!" Someone finally flicks the spider to the ground with a stick and then stamp the barrel lid over it. I am really shamed into a state of lobotomy by now. Such squealing and shrieking - and over a tarantula? What happens when they see a crocodile? What are these creatures doing in the Amazon terrorizing and murdering the local fauna? It must be stopped. I say we get Greenpeace to drag these pathetic women out of the Amazon before they end up burning down the entire place. Then they throw the flattened tarantula into the fire. Hubby points out that roasted tarantula is a nutritional delicacy and the ladies are wasting what could have been a great and easy meal. I've seen roasted tarantulas being sold in Cambodian villages, so yeah, that spider will make a healthy breakfast. Obviously these women haven't at least watched the Travel Network before they join the show. They'll starve and I will be laughing at them. C Girl wonders if the tarantula has gotten into anybody's mouth. Good grief.

Queen Hippodeena says that today they must build a shelter as well as find food. They plan and then go their separate ways - leaving C Girl standing there, lost and confused. I'm outraged at the women's inconsideration, especially when no one seems to even care to look if C Girl is with them. C Girl sighs - okay, she will watch the camp, and we see her lifelessly hacking away at trees. She wonders if anyone ever care that she is not with them. I say that C Girl should tell them that she is feeling isolated. Or at least, she needs a champion at least, although I'm sure she will disagree. Hippodeena, I'm so disappointed in you. I thought you are better than the other women!

High D tells the camera that she cannot talk to Christy, and that will "cause problems in communication". Somehow I get this impression that the gal isn't too bright, I wonder why. Her high D (D for Daffy Duck) voice is really annoying.

If these Jamborees have half a brain between them - and I don't think they do - they will know that C Girl can be a valuable asset. Hosannah, Hippodeena, and Janet, especially, should know that it is unlikely that the younger High D, Jenna, and Shawna will ally with them, if group dynamics of previous seasons is anything to go by. C Girl could make a loyal ally and her strength will be an asset at this stage of the game. C Girl will definitely have problems after the merge, but at this stage when unity is crucial, ocstracizing C Girl is a stupid thing to do.

Okay, I'm biased. I like C Girl.

Let's see what the boys are doing. They are resuming work on the shelter. Rat Boy is complaining that King Roger, who is right now yelling instructions at everyone else, is being too bossy. Oi, idiot, if it wasn't for King Roger, you'll all be shrieking at tarantulas like the Jamborees are doing now. Danny Boy scratches his head while Ryan joins him. Apparently those two have bonded over the night (ahem), Pecs and Looks with Nary A Brain between them. King Roger catches them two chit-chatting and darkly mutters that those two are just useless and they are digging their own graves. King Roger is so unaware of his own grave being dug under him - next to the headstones marked "Hunter Ellis" and "Pastor John" - that I am amused heartily.

Alex says that they have built a postmodern survivor lodge and he is waiting for Home And Garden to come a-calling. Gay. He may list Triathlete, Bicycling, Esquire, and Loaded on the official site as his favorite mags, but I bet Home And Garden, Elle, and Out are the real fave mags of his. Because it can't be said too often: Gay.

Rat Boy says that he can't see the women building a lodge of this calibre - sadly, he's right, but he's still disgusting. He adds that he can envision the girls crying home and calling their boyfriends and whine because there's no way the women could raze down trees and chop woods like the Tampa Queens. And I can bet that this freak is still a virgin and after this show, he will probably remain a virgin until hell freezes over or Queen Elfreda gets his scrawny butt, whichever comes first.

Heading over to Jamboree, we see that the gals are trying their best to build a shelter. It's like watching a swarm of blind men trying to feel up an elephant. Jeanne says that they are all disorganized - camera on High D landing on a pile of woods to make a point - and that they are all dehydrated (nobody went to the bathroom last night and yes, Jeanne, thanks for sharing and tell me, is Hippodeena disappointed that there is no group wee?) and there are mosquitoes and flies torturing them.

Then these ladies decide to give up and make the local Jamboree delicacy instead: underwear soup.

Jenna tells the camera that clean underwear is very important because lots of nasty things can grow "down there, where it's dark". Good freaking grief. "Where it's dark"? You want a flashlight to ward off those nasty things, Jenna? What is this woman doing here? You don't send Barbie to Iraq, you don't send Jenna to the Amazon, unless it's to make a statement that brunettes can be just as idiotic as blondes.

Hippodeena tactfully keeps quiet, and she tells the camera that while she is more concerned about shelter, she guessed that the ladies are tired and numb, so hey, let them waste precious time boiling underwear and buffs instead. She and C Girl exchange an "Are they for real?" look, and I think we have found the only two sane members of Jamboree here.

"If they use their drinking water to boil their underwear, they are probably the most stupid Survivors ever," hubby says.

"You forgot Africa's Dim Kim getting rid of the tribes' drinking water because they're too heavy for her to carry," I remind him.

"Kim must be their grandmothers."

"You may be on to something there, dear."

The soundtrack has a male vocalist going "Ai-yah!"

Ai-yah indeed as we proceed for a commercial break.

Back from the break, we are treated with operatic wailings as the camera pans over jungle canopies. We then see High D, Jenna, and Janet fishing. Or rather, High D and Jenna trying to fish while Janet is whining like a motor running on empty. She is sick! She is tired! "This is too hard! I never knew Survivor is this tough!" she wails, and I sympathize with her, I truly do. I mean, who would have thought that this stint would tax one so physically, right? How dare Mark Burnetto! What does he think this show is? Survivor? Hey, wait a minute.

Oh, clam up on the whining!

Janet just sits there on the boat, weeping and generally acting like a dead weight. She could at least wait at the beach instead of acting as excess baggage for the other two women in their rowing. "I didn't realize how tough physically this is," she sobs. "This is brutal." Oh cry me the Amazon. Shall we take mercy on you and boot your sorry ass back home? High D is even worse as she tries to comfort the sobbing Janet - she says something about Janet picturing them just as sick or something like that. I think we have found our first bootee from Jamboree, people.

At Tampa Queen, Rat Boy reveals his sole testicle: a Magic 8 Ball. He says that he is willing to share it with the others. However, there are rules: the tribe cannot ask if they will win the immunity challenge, because if they do, they will be creeped out by Rat Boy's ball. If they don't, that Rat Boy's ball is fake and everyone knows then that he really has no testicles. The boys then ask whether they will hook up with the pretty ones: High D (cue gauzy, soft-porn shot of a bikinied High D soaping herself), Shawna (ditto), or Jenna (ditto). Rat Boy is all wood for High D, but the general consensus is that Shawna is the hot babe of the Jamborees.

King Roger, who has abstained from the younger idiots' frat keg party, comments that there is so much machoness in the camp, the juices are flowing. That imagery is so wrong if the man is all about his heterosexuality. Gay.

Rat Boy says that High D is so hot, she can put Viagra out of business. As if she will even look at you, you fecking creep. Bend over for Queen Elfreda, you fecking creep. Creep! Rat Boy then proceeds to say how he can harness and channel spirits of the Amazon. Someone's been into spirits too much alright.

Let's flee to more savory environment. We see Hosannah and Jeanne trying to fish. It's obvious that at least Hosannah has never fished in her life, because she is singing at the top of her voice all about the hallelujahs and Jesus. The fish must have thought that a Jehovah Witness type must be knocking at their door and flee for dear life, because apart from Jeanne getting an earful of Hosannah's admitted listenable voice, they only catch a fish the length of one's palm. Jeanne says that Hosannah's singing motivates her. Either she's being very diplomatic or she's just as dumb as most of the Jamborees.

High D bitches that the fish is tiny but they decide to cook it anyway. They use Jeanne's massage oil (it's edible), a fact which High D and only High D finds amusing. Everyone eats a puny helping and Hosannah prays. She prays for everything but a brain. Incidentally, is it a rule that we must have one prayer-friendly player in this show every season? Why can't we have, say, a payer-friendly Jewish or Buddhist or Muslim? Anyway, Shawna says that she feels as if she's eating vomit. Wanna eat mine? I've plenty after seeing the Jamborees trying to play Survivor.

Finally, we crawl to day three of this game. Frankly I'm surprised no one in the Jamborees has died by now.

We see King Roger still bossing everyone around. He tells the camera that they are all macho guys, good-looking macho guys. Gay. Only a closeted gay man will overcompensate this much by announcing on national TV that a bulldog-butt-faced guy like him is good-looking and surrounded by macho good-looking guys in Tribe Tampa Queen. They have mail. Immunity challenge time. Speaking of which, I hope you guys use protection. Rat Boy looks as if he's a walking STD virus.

"Jaburu! Jaburu! Jaburu!" The idiots of Jamboree have a new cheer, I see. Say it fast and it sounds like "Dumb brood, woo, dumb brood, woo, dumb brood, woo!" so that's appropriate. Queen Hippodeena says that she feels in her (sic) "heart of hearts" that the men will dominate this game because of their strength. But she hopes that they (the Jamborees) won't go down too badly. Jenna suggests to High D that they "accidentally" show some skin to distract the men. Well, hubby visibly perks up at that suggestion. I hope the guys get the idea and flash just as much skin too. "Oops, Probby, I forgot to put on my pants today!" Then again, I don't think I want to see any guy but Danny Boy naked, so guys, keep your clothes on, okay?

Jeff Proboscis awaits at a clearing set up with the usual kiddie telethon props. He needs a new wardrobe, because he seems to be wearing the same dull-colored khakis and denims every season. This is the Amazon. Surely a pair of Speedos won't hurt?

He asks the boys if they catch fish. Danny Boy lies most ineptly that they have caught plenty of fish. At least, I hope he's lying and he's not talking about fishing in any other sense. Probby asks the girls - he calls them "ladies" - if they believe the boys. Girls say no, but says that they caught a fish. They did, but they wisely choose not to reveal how big the fish they caught is. The boys don't buy it, because they say that the girls are so skinny. Of course, we all know that these stupid hypocritical fools will get so horny over the girls if they are fat. Idiots, them all.

Probby unveils the idol. Oh God, they've stuffed poor Magilla the Monkey Monkey and put horrible lipstick and eyeliners on the poor dead simian! No wonder Hosannah balks at touching it. After it, it isn't her beloved Jesus. Then again, maybe she balks because Dead Magilla is really ugly. Be careful, Hosannah. If you can't touch that hairy monkey, what will you do when you have to - gasp - lie and - gasp - betray your teammates to win a million dollars? Is your archdeacon Vecepia?

Anyway, this puzzle is really challenging. Really. Everyone gets tied together along the waist, and then they must first crawl under a bamboo shoot obstacle thing, get a key, and release the bonds so that the team of eight breaks into two teams of four. Then the two teams run to solve a puzzle thing on a box, upon which the box opens to release keys that will free the two teams into four teams of two. The teams will then proceed to go through a balance beam, upon which they will get a key to release each player. This player will then rush to solve a puzzle, climb up a net-like obstacle over a locked gate, zip down a pulley, and get the last key to unlock the gate and allow the remaining players to dash to the finishing line.

Confused? Serves you right for not watching the show!

The Tampa Queens lead as they easily overcome the first two legs of this race. The Jamborees are stuck at the puzzle even as the Tampa Queens begin their balancing act. Oops, oops, oops, they fall, while Hosannah begins to pray as the Jamborees start to sweat over their inability to solve the combination lock puzzle. The last two pairs on the Tampa Queen, Danny Boy/Ryan and Alex/Rat Boy are struggling on the balance beam, slowing the guys. "Ladies, they're killing themselves," Probby announces. Dude, we've seen them in action in the last two days. We know. The guys are now clinging to the balance beam and slowly hump their way along the log. It's like some X-rated Me-And-A-Log movie. Finally Alex made it, and he pulls Rat Boy off the log with him. It's up to Danny and Ryan now.

The Jamborees finally open the box. Woo-hoo!

Ryan and Danny Boy are really having problems. Legs clutching each side of the beam, slowly humping it as they move painfully along, the log's screams as it is raped by Danny and Ryan resonating across the jungles, these two are really killing the Tampa Queens. In fact, Danny Boy fouls up more than once, forcing them both to start again.

"Danny Boy is the Mole!" hubby screeches before realizing that he is watching the wrong show.

Actually, Danny Boy looks as if he's enjoying raping the log way too much, and I'm sure Ryan's humping butt just inches away from his face is making it even more enjoyable. Gay, gay, gay - all the gaydars in the world are going crazy.

The Jamborees have little problems overcoming the balance beam obstacle. Women have lower centers of gravity after all. C Girl and Hosannah do a high five as they all run over to the quiz thing. The Tampa Queens finally finished with their log gang bang and catch up with the women. Damn, this is exciting as both teams are pretty much within seconds of leading against the other. The puzzle involves piecing together pieces of a jigsaw puzzle, and Probby isn't the only one laughing when rocket scientist Dr Dave and computer dude Rat Boy are trounced soundly by Hosannah and Queen Hippodeena. Look, there flies High D, over the net, agility defined, and look, there she zips down the pulley. Glorious, just glorious, and look, there she goes, grabbing the key! To the sound of testicles withering everywhere, the Jamborees rush to the finishing line.

"Jamboree wins immunity!" Probby yells as the ladies cheer and the Amazon remix of the elephantine victory tune kicks in.

Isn't this fun? When I can stop cheering and wipe away tears of laughter, I really enjoy hearing Probby telling them off rather nastily, "Tampa Queens, you blew it. In spite of your predictions, one of you is leaving." Harsh, Probby. I love it!

Danny Boy and Ryan look petrified. They know one of them is going to be grilled tonight.

The Jamborees are rejoicing. High D says that they were behind, but they came ahead with flying colors in the end. Janet says she is feeling better now. As if I care. Shawna is especially cheerful, but overall, the Jamborees are in high mood.

The banner "Believe in yourself" is most mocking as the Tampa Queens make their way back. Butch says that perhaps they have been too cocky. Heh heh heh. Rat Boy says that he wants to give the gals a "tough credit", blah blah whatever sour grapes. Dr Dave however is not happy and he calls for a circle pow-wow. They have performed like ass, he said, but most importantly, he doesn't like the fact that the boys want to lie to the girls. He says that he has integrity - uh, oh, the dirty I word - and they should come clean and tell the girls if they haven't caught one single fish.

Danny Boy mutters to the camera, "Who does he think he is?"

Danny Boy, he thinks he is someone whose ass isn't on the line tonight, bwahahaha!

Rat Boy is cheered. If Dr Dave is going to play the integrity card, it will only bite Dr Dave. Well, Rat Boy is determined to lie, cheat, and do whatever it takes to win this game. Too bad this schmuck is as transparent as glass, Porno without the mojo, Boston Rob without the cunning.

Ryan tries to apologize to the tribe, but despite it all, he plots with Danny Boy to oust King Roger the Bossy. They rope in Queen Elfreda, just like how two foxes will ask a lion to help them in their plot, not knowing that in the end, they will suffer for it. Queen Elfreda finally speaks for the first time on the show, telling the camera that Ryan and King Roger are facing off and he doesn't like Dr Dave going on and on about Fishiegate. Someone is flying under the radar but plotting Grand Evil, ooh. Don't disappoint me, Queen Elfreda. I have you pegged as prime entertainment from day one.

Ryan also tries to rope in Rat Boy. Ryan is really working it, isn't he? Rat Boy however tells the camera that he knows Ryan is all about saving his own butt. Rat Boy doesn't like King Roger, but King Roger gets things done. I see Rat Boy is a follower who bends whichever the wind is blowing, hoping to stab and claw his way to the top when the dust is settled. Anyone else getting this Big Brother 3 Josh Merritt vibe from Rat Boy?

Rat Boy proceeds to rat to Butch and King Roger. He is playing both sides, he says to me, and he'll wait and see how things turn out before casting his vote. Both sides, Ryan versus King Roger, have their pluses and minuses.

King Roger and Butch tell Dr Dave that they are voting for Ryan. "Fine with me," Dr Dave tells them.

I'm puzzled as to why they target Ryan instead of Danny Boy. Danny Boy screwed up worse than Ryan, after all. Could it be that Ryan is physically weaker and hence more disposable?

At the Tribal Council, Probby starts his same old schtick: "Fire represents life, yadda yadda yadda." He needs a new schtick really badly. But he's all snark power as he proceeds to sharpen his blade on the guys' battered ego. "This has to be really humbling for you guys," he says cheerfully.

King Roger says that he is shocked that the women trounced them physically. Wait until the wife smacks you in the head with the broom, you pig. Probby corrects him: no, the women didn't just trounced them physically, they trashed the men fair and square. Hurray for Probby as Roger grins sheepishly!

Danny Boy admits that they are here because of him. "It's my fault," he says. Too late, Danny Boy. Battered egos want a scapegoat. You're next.

The Rat Boy says that they have a bad day, that's all. Did his Magic 8 Ball tell him that? What a freak.

Probby asks them what they think of the Jamborees.

Ryan starts first. "Every girl has unique qualities - "

Probby snorts in disbelief. Heh heh heh.

" - but in the end, none is worth a million dollars," Ryan says. He should know. He's no use for women. He's gayer than Liberace's floss thong.

Someone says that the football star doesn't screw the cheerleader in half-time. Even Probby looks shocked at such tasteless vulgarity. Is that you, Rat Boy? Then die, you freak.

Probby asks the guys to give their evaluation of the Jamborees. He is baiting them, but these idiots fall for it. Good God, what is it about an all-male environment and abject stupidity that reduce grown males into a bunch of horny frat chimps? Danny Boy lurves Shawna. Alex loves to hook up with Shawna. Dr David wants Shawna too. Rat Boy declares that High D is the hottest. Ryan says that Rat Boy loves High D, to which Rat Boy denies weakly.

I think we should start electing lesbians as presidents. These purportedly straight guys are really turning and pissing me off. Anyone notice how Queen Elfreda remains silent all this while. Ooh, you wait, Tampa Queens, that quiescent evil guy is just waiting to make you all his hapless bitches.

Probby is amused. These Tampa Queens talk trash like never before about the Jamborees, but in the end, they are all about hooking up with the Jamborees. "You guys are in serious trouble," he tells the stunned and shocked morons. Damn it, Probby, why must you tell them? I want them to realize it themselves as I laugh and laugh and laugh at them! You are such a spoilsport.

Anyway, time to vote the first bootee.

King Roger votes for Ryan, naturally. Queen Elfreda votes for King Roger. I see a clash of the alpha males coming on. DAlex also votes for Roger. Rat Boy votes for Ryan because remember, he likes Butch and he is Butch's bitch. Gay. Butch for Ryan, of course. "You're still a boy," he says to the camera when he casts his vote, "and sometimes silence is golden." (Butch, Shii Devil said the same thing... one episode before she got evicted. Watch out.) Danny Boy? King Roger, of course.

Dr Dave votes for Danny Boy. Says he doesn't like Danny Boy's attitude. Interesting that right now there are two camps in Tampa Queen - Ryan, Danny Boy, Alex, and Queen Elfreda versus Butch and King Roger with Rat Boy watching to see which side to throw his fickle support to. Dave, or Dave, where do you fit in? Do you want to see the Loser Lodge that much?

Oh, and Davie, it is not nice to mislead the King into believing that you are voting for Ryan when you're all about the "integrity". You remember your speech, right?

Needless to say, thanks to Rat Boy, Ryan gets the cut, 4-3. Now that poor guy will never get to meet Jenna, awww. He walks to Probby to get his torch doused, looking dazed. Danny Boy blinks, aware that he is most likely the next to go. Dr Dave bites down, tightening his jaw. King Roger has survived but Butch is proven right: in a camp filled with ego and hubris, nobody likes a leader even if the leader is desperately needed to get things done. Jamboree can only get better from here - I hope - but I have this feeling that the self-destruction of the Tampa Queens will surpass even the Fall of Soochee.

As they all walk back to their freak hole, minus the pretty boy and with Jeff Proboscis watching gleefully, I think this is one great start to what will hopefully be a spectacular season. Go Queen Elfreda!

Before YouTube, recapping music videos is totally a thing and not a waste of time. Really..

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