Season 5: I Wanna Be Sedated

Hello, hello, everyone! Ryan "West Of Normalcy" Sleazebag is back again in a brownish shirt with pale plum vertical stripes. Backed by a nice evening sky, he announces that he's in Denver, the gateway to the Rocky Mountains and as in this episode, rocky tonsils as well. He wonders how many people will move west to Hollywood. Ah yes, this is the cue for the show to start blaring the Village People's Go West but this show is already in deep doo-doo with the GLAAD already. Besides, how many people will move east to flee the encroaching din of discordance? Stay tuned, people, for this is only the second bad audition episode and there are ten thousand more to come. On the bright side, this episode is only an hour long and I don't have to increase my dosage of Valium to tide me through it. Yay! Credits! I love credits! The meds are kicking in already, oh dear.

The wannabes of Denver shout welcome to the Mile-High City as the camera pans over them. Sleazie wonders why the city is called that. A young lady says that her answer is too vulgar for television. This show, after all, is the epitome of class from start to finish. Hey, have you bought the latest card game today? Anyway, Sleazie's question is a lame attempt to insert some unfunny crack about high fashion (fat lady with big hair - fat women are so funny, haw, haw), high rapping, and high quality of vocals. Cue the wannabes in the stadium singing Ain't No Mountain High Enough. Geddit, mountain? These kids are becoming wittier day by day. A total loser who thinks that growing facial hair will get people to overlook his total loser face explains that Denver is called Mile-High City because it's a mile above sea level. Oops, he's just outed himself as a nerd. I hope he's auditioning, because I can see the queue of church ladies in decorated ambulances waiting to buy multiple copies of his CD and suffocate him with their bosoms already.

Sleazie says that this is the highest place they've ever had an audition, although Miss Paula may disagree with that, hic, and cracks dreadfully that he expects to see stars in such a high elevation. Cue montage of wannabes with stars painted on their faces. Two people try to perform some magic trick on the street with him pulling out colored strands of cloth from her mouth. There has to be some inside joke about the singing on this show and Sleazie's hosting skills in that scene, I'm sure. Sleazie waits for Randy Randy to arrive while poor King Tut has to settle for an overweight lady wannabe instead. Ooh, fat ladies are so funny! I'm rolling on the floor laughing at these women! There should be some rule preventing fat ladies from watching this show because it is too much class for those ugly creatures, I tell you. King Tut tells her that she's in, Randy Randy says something about wanting to be high to Sleazie, and let's laugh at Marlos Davis, Jr who declares to the camera that he is the new Usher and Michael Jackson rolled in one - I can't imagine what kind of creature will result if we mix those two together and Marlos Davis, Jr's singing may actually be scarier than that creature. Despite his assertion of confidence and having fans that can't wait for him to sing, his version of Alicia Keys' Falling is totally off-key and he keeps digging his left ear to check his pitch, which obviously isn't working. The judges send him packing before he can launch into another song that he threatens to dance to. Marlos says that he has came a long way here and begs the judges for leniency, but reveals that he lives in Denver. Ahem.

Tiffany Christensen from Utah looks completely trashy. She stands with her legs apart like she's in mid-squat, bops her bum up and down, and wails tunelessly, "Ah! Ah! Ah! I'm here for the party! I ain't leaving till they throw me out!" Way too easy. She then warbles about getting herself some as she turns and starts thrusting her butt up and down. King Tut cuts her short just as she is in mid-squawk - "For the party!" - and she wails that she has come all the way here just to get cut. Olivia Dudley comes in next and warbles her way through a wretched rendition of Miss Paula's Straight Up, another song that will never work without backing music. David Horning lifelessly rumbles his way in a song asking people to run away with him to Colorado. Most likely they're running the other way. My hubby scares me when he says that he really likes the shirt David is wearing. And here's sixteen-year old Lisa Tucker who claims to be an actress and her parents agree that she's talented and what-not. Lisa performs a rather affected and overmelismatic version of Whitney Houston's One Moment In Time but at least it demonstrates that she can sing very well if she learns some restrain and King Tut says that he normally hates sixteen-year olds (Carmurp, Piggy Di Guano, anyone?) but he thinks that Lisa has a great voice. So Lisa's a natural sail-through to Hollywood. She celebrates with her family and Sleazie gets Lisa to say that King Tut said that she was the best sixteen-year old to ever be on the show. Why are they are so young in this season? I am still having scars from listening to Piggy Di Guano and Princess Jasmelisma baby-squeaking their way through the whole season three and I don't want to experience another precious overload again.

And now, a segment about King Tut taking his second potty break in two hours. And then, a more entertaining segment about people dancing anything from the rumba to the roundhouse in the waiting area. One guy spends time drawing out the map of the USA while a total dweeb demonstrates what Sleazie calls "gymnastic" to him and two ladies who must be really desperate for camera time. A guy who looks like he wants to have Robert Smith's baby does some staggering-drunk dance thingie. Robert Smith immediately is no longer interested. Then there's Amanda Berg who shows everyone the banana. Get your mind out of the gutter, folks, the banana is what she calls her tumble-and-run routine that she apparently discovers on her own, maybe when she's chasing after the pretty butterflies in her mind. She tells King Tut that she wants to be the next Whitney Houston but her Minnie Mouse voice tells a different future for Amanda Banana Berg's singing career. Amanda thinks she did alright though and when asked by King Tut to score herself, she gives herself a six out of ten. King Tut tells her to deduct five and a half points from that score. Next is Ace Young who sings a Westlife song - I'm scared to ask how an American will know a Westlife song that isn't Flying Without Wings - and he sings like a smarmy and affected flaming banana queen. Still, he has nice shoulders and I guess if he doesn't speak I can actually start to think he's hot in a sleazy future Chippendale dancer way but... oh, how am I kidding? This guy is sleazy. Yucks. Anyway, he's going to Hollywood, no surprise there. If he tanks in this show, Ace Young is a nice name tailor-made for a gay porn career so everything will work out nicely for this guy, I suppose.

Rochelle Elaine Dye has just been evicted from her home, boo-hoo-hoo, but since she has what seems like a hundred friends and family members here supporting her, I have to ask who is she kidding about the whole "I have no home to go to, wah!" sob story. And oh, she is staying with her cousin who is about to be evicted too! Eeuw, maybe the whole Dye clan must be doing something fishy in their houses. It can't be her singing in the bathroom that get her evicted, at the very least, because she doesn't sound too bad. Still, that doesn't explain why she can't make rent by singing in some pub or something. Or why her family members didn't take the money they wasted on printing those Homeless Dye T-shirts to use as rent money. Anyway, if she cuts down on the pathetic and transparent attempt at getting sympathy on TV - "I really need this", my ass - she may be worth rooting for. Needless to say, Rochelle is going to Hollywood. Hopefully she'll stay with King Tut and get him evicted too. Outside, Rochelle Homeless Dye and her family members all cheer and hug.

Sleazie points out that Bo and Conty Bint in the previous season opened doors that are best left closed or something like that, which is the cue for an assortment of tragic basement-level rockers trying to find someone to sell their soul away to. There's a chubby guy who thinks that having Conty Bint's hair will make him the new Conty Bint. Another chubby guy thinks that having Bo's hair will make him Bo. There's also a Pen Salesman wannabe although I have no idea why he's featured in the rocker fiasco montage. Maybe it's because he's grunting about mesmerizing chickens, hmm. Naomi Guse lifelessly mumbles her way through I Wanna Be Sedated, which has me thinking that she must be being deliberately bad. She's no Bai Ling, let's just say. Sleazie thinks it's funny to compare Bo's expertise with the mic stand - ooh, I melt at the memory of that, I tell you - to Jacob Young's molesting his crutches that he uses to, um, "jump jivin'". He's almost funny there, I give him that. Okay, he's pretty funny and I laugh but I don't like admitting that on the slightest chance that someone actually did break his leg after this violent person heard poor Jacob sing. One lady, walking away after getting cut, tells the camera that rock stars don't have to sing well, they just have to do something that is bleeped out by the editors on stage and puke. And when she sings, the audience pukes along and everyone is one big happy bleeping family.

But the pimp spotlight shines the brightest on Chris Daughtry, who wants to be the American Idol version of Linkin Park for Kiddies where Bo was the American Idol version of Lynyrd Skynyrd for Kiddies. But Linkin Park is for kiddies anyway, so there you go. Chris says that he is inspired by Bo to come here, he wants to quit his day job, he has two kids aged seven and five, and he wants his supportive family to appear in a teary and sentimental clip to win the hearts of Baptist church ladies who want to live life on the edge by listening to Bo Bice while drinking caffeinated coffee. Chris performs Joe Cocker's The Letter - this show's anthem for wannabes who fancy themselves antiestablishmentary, apparently - and I will reserve judgment until I hear him sing on stage with music. It's really hard to gauge how well he sings since not many people can sing well without music in the background, but I so far don't see any charisma or other kind of presence that will make him the new Bo Bice on the show. Anyway, he's in. The show won't take the trouble to put scenes of Chris' wife trying to eavesdrop while getting worried or the judges slowly pretending that they may not let him through. What, you don't think this show is scripted? I don't, as well. I just think they call those people that they have chosen to be the forerunners of this show back and refilm all those scenes needed to make the bad audition episodes more "entertaining". Okay, I'm just teasing. I really wish I am wrong about what I said about refilming all those contrived fake-out and suspense moments, by the way.

It's late afternoon, Sleazie voices over, and the parade of freaks and a few winners continue. Heather Cox sounds like she can hold a tune so she's in. Angela Garcia comes in to murder Rush, Rush and King Tut jokes that Angela is better than Miss Paula. Poor Angela actually believes him, how sad. Bald and bespectacled Eric Mena mournfully courts his millionth rejection by awkwardly staccato-ing his way through Elton John's Just The Way You Look Tonight. Poor Eric looks like he wants to murder King Tut when King Tut stops his singing and the show helpfully plays the theme song to The Good, The Bad And The Ugly to make sure that Eric will never get a date for the rest of his life.

The camera pans on the statue of a rearing stallion before introducing this short guy who dresses up like a cowboy. He is Garet Johnson and he has brought along his brother, older brother, father, and grandfather to form what Sleazie calls the Johnson posse. Garet takes the Cattle Underwood shtick even farther by saying that he spends his days at the farm, this is his first time in public - snort - and therefore he is so shy - ooh, I can hear from here the delighted squeals of the same pedophiles who have forgotten Trachea Boi now that Trachea Boi is too old for them - and he sings an Elton John song. Did someone say Brokeback Mountain? The pimp spotlight shines brightly on our Garet here and even if he sings in a very affected baritone that is most likely not his natural singing voice, even if Miss Paula says no (a first, I think), the other two judges see dollar bills in Brokeback Garet Johnson here and sends him to Hollywood. Oh, and like Cattle, he has never been on a plane before. I have to hand it to this season's batch of people though: they know how to use that whole virgin, nerd, family, and God shtick very well to win the hearts of the gullible Middle America folks whose fingers always work the hardest on the telephones. Outside, Sleazie joins in the joy of the whole Brokeback Johnson clan as they celebrate. They have all never been on a plane, people, and they are so happy that Garet is going to be flying high, whee!

Day one is done and Sleazie says that nineteen made it today to Hollywood.

Nick McCord says that people call him "Flawless". He is the one wearing the bright yellow Sherlock Holmes outfit. Sleazie calls him Randy Randy's main competition for the best dressed person in Denver title. It doesn't matter what anyone calls Nick, really, because which genuine wannabe will wear something like that to audition? He has to be another joker, right? He models some of the same outfit, in different colors, and hand me my meds, people, because for a moment I find myself thinking that he is actually quite a handsome fellow without that Sherlock Holmes cap. He also says that he cleans houses for a living. "My slogan is: you'll come home... uh, and with your home... and house... uh, looking... uh, like paradise. Yeah, that's right." Another joker, Ben Hausbek, claims that he doesn't know how he got here but he can sing so hey, "La, la, la, la, la!" He claims to be an "amateur inventor" with five patents, including one for some device he calls "cosmic coaster". From his explanation, this coaster is special because it wobbles when you put a glass or a cup on it. Maybe it can hypnotize people? Still, Ben does admit that his invention is a novelty so he's actually a pretty cool fellow to me. Not so cool is his bragging that he is very intellectual, no one has beaten him in chess before, and he intimidates people with his intelligence.

Ben and Nick become best buddies over their "enterpreneurship". I am very confident that these two are friends in real life and they are here for a laugh. Flawless Nick goes first and King Tut sarcastically talks about America's search for the new tablecloth when he sees Nick's costume. Nick sings Your Song very badly. He will be more convincing as a freak if he isn't so obviously trying not to laugh throughout the whole performance. Shockingly, Nick is sent packing. Ben is next and he sings If Only I Had A Brain. Sleazebag makes a bad pun about "coasting through" while the judges mock Ben's cosmic coaster and Ben's singing naturally gets no respect either. These two aren't as funny as they believe they are, but I have to say, their buddy loser stunt is better than the fake buddy duo Adam and Dirk from the last season.

As the day grows late, in comes April Walsh. She's fat so this is my cue to laugh hysterically even before she opens her mouth, yes? She sings Bjork's It's Oh So Quiet and actually reenacts Bjork's dance in the music video. The sad thing is, her voice seems pretty decent and if she didn't dress up like some overripe watermelon and she didn't stomp around like a graceless hippopotamus, she will actually be pretty good. Miss Paula and Randy Randy pitch in their support and April is therefore allowed to go to Hollywood. I'll hold the cheers if I were her though. Her chances of making the cut to the semifinals don't look good. Sleazie says that there are quite a number of female wannabes making the cut that day but alas, "hardly any guys". And that is a bad thing, because...? Judging from the hunk quality so far, I don't think I will miss those who got away one bit.

And finally, the dramatic tragicomedy of the day, Zachary. He's a guy dressed up to look like a woman. He sounds horrible when he's speaking and he's really terrible when he's singing - no surprises there. The thing is, when he's cut he raises a big storm about how the judges are prejudiced and what-not to say no to him. But if you ask me, anyone who admits first to the judges that he thinks it's fun to be mistaken for a girl and then performs badly Whitney Houston's Queen Of The Night - of the all songs he can sing! - has no one to blame but himself when he is rejected. He is practically inviting people to mock his appearance and possible sexual orientation but even King Tut knows not to head in that direction. Miss Paula even carefully says that she is saying no to him on the basis of his singing alone. Therefore, when Zachary says that the show is "racist" and "prejudiced" because he sang something that "is within the vocal range of a girl", that isn't true in this case. From his bringing up his appearance first, it seems to me that he's already on the defensive about his looks therefore I have no idea why then he goes on to sing a song with a title like Queen Of The Night! Does he want to deliberately invite mockery? I don't understand this automatic kind of thinking, that the person who doesn't give you what you want is automatically evil because you think you're a member of a persecuted minority. Frankly, Zachary is more misguided in a tragic way than funny.

Next week, it's on to North Carolina, the capital of American Idol, but for this episode, it's done.