Season 5: Tonight I Wanna Cry

Ryan "She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger" Sleazebag does his usual crotch-cupping stance among the audience as he tells everyone that Mandisa isn't a homophobe just because she doesn't approve of homosexuality because you see, it's like religion: someone of a particular faith will believe that his or her faith is the true faith. But that doesn't mean that person cannot coexist with people of other religions. That's what tolerance is all about: you agree that people have the right to have differing opinions and philosophies and you exist peacefully with these people. Is it wrong to believe that homosexuality is a sin as the Good Book says? Is it as wrong as those people who regularly slam organized religions gleefully and without restrain? There's no easy answer to this, which is why life is always interesting that way. However, Mandisa hasn't come out and said that gays should be killed and what-not, so I would be wary of calling her a homophobe. In fact, she has given well-spoken and most reasonable interviews explaining her stance on homosexuality in post-show rounds.

Okay, Sleazie doesn't say all that, I am putting words in his mouth. Honestly, though, I don't know why I even bother since those people calling Mandisa a homophobe aren't exactly the brightest bulbs around - the online fandom nowadays seems exclusively restricted to barely literate teenaged girls and boys or so-called "intelligent adult women" that happily tell everyone the sounds they make when they make love to their husbands while imagining that they are sleeping with Taylor Hicks. I'm not joking about the last one, I stumbled upon a thread the other day on one of those wretched boards filled with women exchanging Idol-related sex dreams in cringe-inducing flippancy while, bizarrely, talking about how Katharine dresses like some skank and therefore she is a bad example to these women's wholesome daughters. I'd think that having Mommy talking about how Will Makar reminds Mommy of her daughter's boyfriend that Mommy has naughty dreams about while tolerating the husband's amorous attentions would scar the daughter more than anything Katharine can do in her five minutes of screentime on this show, but that's probably just me, I suppose. And seriously, people, I don't know what to think if you tell me that you can still fantasize about a naked Taylor Hicks after seeing his magical constipated epileptic monkey facial expressions and crazy tics when he performs.

Perhaps I'm just trying to make sense of this season. Surely it's not a coincidence that the vast majority of the fandom happen to be dysfunctional trainwrecks when this season sees the more talented contestants being booted while gimmicky but very average contestants sail by week after week.

Okay, okay, back to this show. You know, I was so excited about this season back when the Top 24 was revealed. Who would have known that these people would turn out to be such duds? This season makes me wish that they have released a DVD of seasons two and three so that I can remember that once upon a time this show really wasn't as bad as it is right now. Sleazie, sporting a stubble in an attempt to prove to everyone that he has working gonads that produce testosterone, says that "we" are down to single digits - yeah, and here's my single digit - and he wonders who America will vote for tonight. Why, America will vote for the ones that are in perfect "understandings" with the Uncles running the show, of course! I can't help thinking that the Uncles are having a laugh as they, intoxicated by the success of this show into thinking that they are now omnipotent deities in showbusiness, decide to see how far they can go by pushing their girlfriends (Cattle, Kellie) or buddy (Taylor, pretending to be twentysomething) onto the audience just to see how stupid the audience will be. One of these days I will wake up and realize that American Idol is a long social experiment designed to expose how truly stupid a person can become when this person is given the illusion of control in a TV show. Maybe.

Sleazie comes out of the Mothership doorway and welcomes everyone to the audience. Look, Whoopi Goldberg is in the audience with her buddies! A sign in the audience says "Taylor Hicks (Kicks) Butt". Memo to the loser: it's not as smart as you think it is if you have to explain the pun you are going for. Sleazie says that there are nine performances today and all the kiddies and the sexually frustrated housewives watching this show have to do - apart from not procreating - is to pick up the phone and vote while wishing fervently that Taylor or Chris will read their fanmails, fall in love with their vivid descriptions of their talents with the crosstitch or flute, cry at the tragic tale of how no one understands these women like he could, and immediately visit the house of those women in a private jet and sweep them off their feet before they fly off to a bon-bon filled sunset-framed happily ever after where they will never have to fake it anymore. I freaking hate this episode with a bitterness that I'm not proud of, can you tell? Sleazie introduces the judges. Randy "You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly" Randy! Miss "Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure" Paula! And of course, King "I Got In At 2 With A 10 And Woke Up At 10 With A 2" Tut! King Tut is looking at Miss Paula before giving Sleazie a cursory glance. Sleazie pretends not to be hurt by King Tut's coldness as he insists with suspiciously forced cheerfulness that today the theme will be "Country" and Kenny Rogers will be here to mentor the Nine today.

Cue tribute montage to our dear Mr Kenny Rogers and his many, many hit songs like She Believes In Me, Lady, and other songs that never fail to put me to sleep. He's sold 105 million albums and he is a true country music veteran, says Sleazie, and therefore the Nine are in good hands, be rest assured. No mention of that chicken restaurant of his, which, if you ask me, is the only thing I like about Uncle Kenny here. The Nine artfully jump around and sing out loud while Uncle Kenny calls country music "honest" and tells the Nine that they won't leave once they "hear" and "get what is good about it". "It's hard to walk away from it," he tells the Nine. He obviously hasn't heard them sing yet. Uncle Kenny tells them that the "ultimate" county song tells a story. I know. I always wonder what kind of story will a country song with a title like "My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him" has. The song will drop me at the end of the journey and leave me with "an emotion of some sort", Uncle Kenny says. He's right. After watching this episode, I have to dash to the toilet. Then the Nine group-sing with Uncle Kenny and I am surprised to see a bald African-American man among them. Um, who's he? Can we replace Ace with him? Bucky plays the guitar and he's still hot.

Taylor "I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling" Hicks opens the show and Kenny says that Taylor at first isn't sure about the song so he needs to "understand" the song. I don't know what Taylor thinks John Denver's Take Me Home, Country Roads is telling him but he's telling me a graphic story of merciless butchery, complete with disembowelment and me crying at him to stop torturing me. Taylor has the twang down pat but he is rushing through the performance with his pitching all over the place to the point that he comes off as someone who is very nervous or unsure of himself. He sounds strong when he's singing the verse and the bridge but he's nearly drowned out by the background singers in the chorus. The camera zooms in on his face as he sings out the bridge and it's not a nice sight to see at all. He does look nervous but once he notices that the camera is on him, he quickly fakes a smile comparable to those of evil clowns that eat children. I love how he claps the loudest for himself after the performance. Take me home? Forget it - let the house fall on that man instead!

Randy Randy checks the microchip in his system. The real Randy Randy died of a heart attack a few years ago, you see, and the Randy Randy seated at the judges table is a robot on loan from Industrial Light and Magic with the ability to "talk" using a set of preselected lines. Randy Randy goes for the always reliable "Good song choice, not very good performance" thing. Miss Paula reveals that she's a psychic because she says that she can always feel the light, the spark, and the magic poppy seeds dancing around Taylor's beatific face so she forgives him even if she finds that his performance didn't allow him to shine. King Tut thinks that Taylor just picked that song ten seconds ago and just performed it without much care or enthusiasm. He finds the performance "safe, boring, and lazy". Sleazie, in his attempt to "console" Taylor, says that King Tut's love life is what we should call "safe, boring, and lazy". He doesn't add "Because he's now sleeping with that Pickle-Muncher Dingbat instead of me!" but I'm sure the message comes out loud and clear to King Tut. Sleazie wants King Tut to tell him Take Me Home, My Country Broad but he still has his pride, doncha know. On his part, King Tut merely grins happily. I guess he's actually enjoying how bad Sleazie still has it for him. By Sleazie's side, Taylor is clapping and giggling spastically - you have to see him to realize how totally spastic he is being - while saying "One! One! One!" at random places as Sleazie reads out Taylor's give-Uncle-Nigel-money phoneline number. Sleazie stares ahead (at King Tut, no doubt) as he says in his stern voice, "You have at least two hours to vote then." Translation: that's how long I will stay up and wait for your phone call, jerk.

Does Ace have a twin brother? Sleazie walks among the audience past an Ace clone as he rattles off about how one can easily make a film that can be seen by millions. Really, that's what he says, with no further explanation. Translation: I still have those home videos, jerk, so you better not ignore me. Some woman calls out from the audience that she loves Sleazie and Randy Randy tries to joke about how it is Miss Paula that loves Sleazie. Or something. Sleazie stands by King Tut, looks moodily at the camera, and then says that well, he'll just go away from the judges if they don't love him. There a wax guy with creepy hair and creepier overbite says that he loves Sleazie. Sleazie wonders whether everyone in that place has been "sipping" tonight. He says that Mandisa is singing next before demanding to know what is in "that cup". Naturally, he is talking to King Tut. He has those videos, jerk, and One Night In A Sleazebag will be making its highly anticipated online debut soon if King Tut doesn't pick up the phone soon.

Uncle Kenny says that our Miss "I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win" Mandisa has a song that has the most words tonight and therefore she has to articulate herself to convey the story. He thinks she will do a good job because she has "spirits". Where, in the cupboard? Mandisa performs Shania Twain's Any Man Of Mine. This song, ugh. It's one of those songs that are sung-spoken at first so there's no way anyone can make it interesting unless one is parading in the music video in a revealing jumpsuit or something. It is only when the chorus kicks in that the song actually picks up pace, but all in all, it's a song that is totally wrong for a competition and makes Mandisa come off as flat and lifeless.

Randy Randy's binary program goes from 010 to 101 so he now gives the "wrong song choice" spiel. He likes the last five seconds of the performance. King Tut says that he likes the four seconds after the performance. Miss Paula however thinks that Mandisa can sing to a phonebook so whatever, all is forgiven. King Tut finds the song horrible and when he's booed complains that he always get booed when he gives "constructive criticism". He says that the genre isn't for Mandisa. Talk about stating the obvious. Sleazie asks the judges (read: King Tut) whether they liked Mandisa's singing since they all made it clear that they disliked the song she was performing (Shania Twain must be regretting her magnanimity in clearing her songs for this season) and King Tut says simply that he likes Mandisa. Sleazie and King Tut then have a argument about what "constructive criticism" means. King Tut tells Sleazie that at least he's not the one who looks like he's from Desperate Housewives. Sleazie looks at the camera and pretends to be amused as his blood boils inside at being called desperate. Two hundred phone calls in one week aren't desperation... that's concern! JERK. King Tut tells Sleazie to lose the beard. Heh, lose the beard, geddit? Teri Hatcher obviously isn't fooling anybody here. Sleazie looks pleased for once at the possibility that King Tut may be affected by the shots of he and Teri artfully pretending to be snogging for the tabloids and says that, well, at least King Tut "fits the bill" in "that baby blue, powdered, tight sweat T-shirt". He goes on some more but Mandisa, mindful that her church friends may not appreciate Sleazie waxing lyrical about King Tut's gelatinous pectorals and trampoline-like belly, reminds Sleazie to get back on topic: the show. Sleazie crosses his legs demurely in a "Who, me?" coy gesture of fake innocence and rattles off Mandisa's number.

Elliott "Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)" Yamin is next. Uncle Kenny accurately says that Elliott tends to oversing but he thinks that this is a sign of Elliott's "greatness". He tells Elliott that he knows that people are impressed by Elliott's oversinging tendencies but he'd prefer Elliott to stay away from too many licks and just keep things simple to make the listener cry. And cry will the listeners indeed when Elliott comes out to butcher Garth Brooks' If Tomorrow Never Comes. One, he has this unfortunately manic expression right out of a Chuckie movie on his face so when he's singing about turning off the lights and laying his lady in the dark, I find myself wondering whether I should call the cops. Two, his voice is all wrong for this song. He can't really hit the high notes steadily and his lower register rattles like loose shingles on the roof of the house that he is murdering his lady love in. The wrongness of his voice is very apparent in the chorus where he is singing at least one key too low.

Randy Randy searches the database and recalls the fact that Elliott is always to be compared favorably to Stevie Wonder so his vocal program behaves accordingly. Miss Paula gushes that Elliott is humble, which is hilarious considering how "humble" and "Elliott" should never even try to hook up, and understated and great and careless and reckless and abandoned. Only Miss Paula can use so many adjectives while making zero sense. But it makes sense when she tells Elliott, "You keep growing on me!" Oh, she'd like that indeed. King Tut thinks Elliott sounded nervous and he admits that he was. He feels that Elliott's performance was the best so far but he thinks Elliott can do better than that.

Sleazie chats with Paris "May The Bird Of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose" Bennett about her constantly changing hairstyles. She compares her hair to her personality and says that her hair/personality this week is "chill". Uncle Kenny thinks Paris is talented but she needs to hold her notes at the chorus of her performance, which is a brutally shaky version of Trisha Yearwood's How Do I Live. Or, if you're Paris, How Do I Lead. Like Uncle Kenny pointed out in the rehearsal, Paris can't hold her notes during the climatic "lead" in the choruses. She's very, very shaky here and way out of her league when it comes to the song which is obviously too big for her abilities.

Randy Randy and Miss Paula think Paris made a bad song choice. King Tut, however loves the performance because it apparently reminds him of Dionne Warwick in her early days. Or maybe it's the Teletubbies that King Tut helped made a record. Or something. If you can't tell by now, King Tut is using "constructive criticism" only when you're not in his good book. Sleazie "consoles" Paris by saying that "King Tut showed his jealousy - well done!" He's actually communicating to Teri Hatcher who is watching this show at home, of course.

Ace "You Were Only A Splinter In My Ass As I Slid Down The Bannister Of Life" Young is next. Uncle Kenny says that Ace sang with his heart, which is true because he's certainly not singing using any talent that he has. Uncle Kenny says that Ace has made the perfect song choice. Reallty? Ace comes out, face ruddy red and blazing from his blush overdose, and proceeds to perform N Sync's version of Keith Urban's aptly titled Tonight I Wanna Cry. Wait, N Sync didn't cover this song? Alrighty then. I am pleasantly thrilled that Ace sounds very good here. It's the song, which is good, and it's also Ace who doesn't butcher this song like he did to the songs of his last few performances. Thank you, Ace.

Randy Randy was bored until Ace went falsetto at the end. Randy Randy just wants the high notes after all. Miss Paula of course loves Ace. She wants Ace to... um, I'm about to make a golf joke here but I don't think I have the willpower to even type out the gross punchline. King Tut agrees with Miss Paula and thinks that for once Ace has chosen the right song to perform tonight. Sleazie wants everyone to know that Ace is "officially single". It's "officially single", kinda like "technically a virgin", I suppose, in the "Honey, you can't say I'm cheating on you by sleeping with Miss Paula because it's for the sake of my career!" way.

Sleazie now takes a seat with Kellie "I Wanna Whip Your Cow" Pickler in a rehearsed scene where they both want everyone watching to know that Kellie isn't faking her stupidity, someone Photoshopped the photo of her in that infamous prom dress, she didn't act like a diva behind the scenes, she isn't any dirty old man's mistress, and all. Got that, people? The show wants everyone to know that Kellie Pickler is absolutely a braindead dumb 100% genuine white trash and she has friends that don't know what calamari, salmon, or talent is either so she's not alone in her vapidity and therefore we shouldn't feel pity for her.

With that out of the way, let's see what Uncle Kenny has to say about our Trashy Spears Simpson and her boots that are made for walking even if she never does. He says that Kellie's money shots, er "money notes" is what takes her through all the way and he wants everyone to know that Kellie is "fancy". So that's what they call that kind of behavior nowadays! Kellie's song is Fancy by Bobbie Gentry, although she's performing Reba McEntire's version, I think. She walks up to the stage from the audience while performing a rather affected performance. She comes off like someone who has studied a better performer and applies all she has learned into this performance but no matter, she's still one of the best performers tonight. See, that's what frustrates me about her: if she applies half of what she is capable of in her performances, she may come off as someone that I can root for. But she's just coasting through the show playing dumb and slutty simultaneously, and I think that's a waste of her abilities as well as an insult to young ladies out there who are trying to pursue their dreams without compromising themselves completely on TV.

The judges love her performance. No surprise there. If they don't, they'll blame the song, the band, or the full moon. King Tut hates the song so Kellie of course says sorry. She's lucky that there are many people out there that will never find that transparently insincere act of hers tiresome or boring or insulting. Should she manage to, I don't know, do whatever she does to get to top, I hope she finds a way to remain there without becoming a laughingstock like Jessica Simpson is now.

Sleazie points out that Whoopi and Chris Rock are in the audience tonight although I suspect that after the results show they won't be attending the show so often in the future.

It's Chris "If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You" Daughtry's turn now and Uncle Kenny says that Chris' song has a difficult start that will challenge Chris' abilities. Chris says that his family all listened to country and he's the rebel that listens to shockingly controversial rock music by Creed and Staind. How disgusting. Uncle Kenny thinks that Chris will "make something happen" because his heart is in "the right place". Where? In his colon? Chris performs another Keith Urban song, this time it's Making Memories Of Us, the kind of song that all those desperate hausfraus will love to have playing in the background when Chris comes to find them and rescue them from their boring husbands, screaming kids, dead end jobs, weight and self-esteem issues, and bitter jealousy of other women whose lives are better than theirs and make love to them sweetly as their private jet takes off to a romantic location, like maybe South Mexico, only with plenty of all-you-can-eat 24-hour buffets where each bite of an oily drumstick will magically make them lose twenty pounds. I really like this performance - it's simple, it's in tune, it's very listenable, and he has nice biceps. In this episode, this performance is good enough to be the best of the night. To be honest, of all the contestants of this season, I can only see myself buying Chris' CD because like Randy Randy said previously, he has a very nice recording voice.

Randy Randy predictably does the "Wooh! A new side of you! I like!" thing while Miss Paula babbles about Chris being versatile while staying true to himself. When, you know, the judges were telling him previously that staying true to himself is making him boring. King Tut however thinks that the song is boring and supposedly the audience at home deserves better than this kind of songs. I agree. I'd love to see Chris perform the Macarena on country night. Miss Paula in the meantime goes into a giggling fit because apparently King Tut "double-talked" throughout Chris' entire performance so she obviously thinks he's full of it. Tell me something I don't know, Miss Paula. And eeeuw, is that Andrew Firestone, that boring Bachelor guy, in the audience? What is he doing here? Shouldn't he be pretending to be a food critic on Iron Chef or something?

Katharine "I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life" McPhee's turn now. Uncle Kenny says that Katharine has picked a perfect song. She tells Uncle Kenny that she loves country music but she isn't a country singing type of gal so she'd like to try something bluesy. So here she is with Faith Hill's Bringing Out The Elvis. I get what Katharine is trying to do here: she wants to play the sultry vixen while performing a saucy and playful song. The thing is, her movements are quite awkward at times, it's like watching a city girl trying really hard to attract a handsome cowboy in a bar that she has entered for the first time in her life and her bravado is fuelled by alcohol more than anything else. She walks along the stage and down and up it, but she only half-heartedly shakes her hips once or twice. If she wants to make things work, she should channel her inner Kellie Pickler. How odd that the contestant who gets called all kinds of unfavorable things by the psychotic hausfraus, both daughters and mothers, is one who actually looks uncomfortable playing the tart while the one hailed by these hausfraus as the angelic one moves and looks like Paris Hilton waiting to break loose. The singing is fine and I'd rank this performance just behind Chris' in terms of being the best of the night. It doesn't really work because Katharine needs to be playful and sultry to pull off this song and she seems very afraid to even let her hair down a little.

Randy Randy likes the "bluesy country" performance of hers and Miss Paula says that Katharine, who she calls "hot, sexy, cool", has found her niche. In country? Surely Miss Paula jests! Wait, she isn't, which is indeed tragic. King Tut finds the song peculiar and Katharine challenges him to admit that he just doesn't like country music. He admits it, and that's score one to Katharine. Of course, that "rudeness" of hers gives the desperate hausfraus more ammunition to call her an icy, haughty, bitchy, and worse kind of tart.

Sleazie now quickly introduces Bucky "I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy" Covington because this show is really running out of time. Uncle Kenny thinks that Bucky should be at home in this genre and Bucky laughs, saying that "should" is the key word. He thinks that Bucky's choice of song is somewhat peculiar since no one knows that song, it seems. Obviously Uncle Kenny isn't a fan of Vertical Horizon who did a popular cover version of that song. It's Gary Allan's The Best I Ever Had that Bucky will be performing. Poor Bucky. I love this performance to the point that I'll happily rank it as one of the best of the night, especially when Bucky manages to convey the nuances needed to carry off this song, but I suppose with his accent and his looks many people will never see past his hillbilly facade.

Randy Randy thinks that the performance had some pitch issues and went out of tune at the start but it was an alright performance for him. Miss Paula wants a pink unicorn for her birthday. King Tut says that he's no expert in this genre - how nice that he says this only now, at the last performance of the night - but Bucky sounds good to him. Sleazie reminds King Tut that King Tut should judge the performances and not the song. Translation: I'm blond and I'm also better in bed that than pickle-munching bintbag who's probably a fake blonde, so damn it, jerk, judge me by my performance and not my sell-by date! Sleazie just has to get that in before the show ends for good.

Sleazie reminds everyone (read: King Tut) to dial "carefully" and recaps the performances before calling the show to a close. He asks everyone to stay tuned for an all-new House (read: my house, damn it, call my house) and rushes off to leave a dead bunny on Kellie's doorstep.

Results night. Ryan "If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low" Sleazebag poses among the audience and says that the Nine did a country - oh, don't blush, Kellie, he's not talking about you - and now the country do them back. Or something like that. Here are the credits.

Sleazie announces that "just under" 35 million votes came in. Woo-hoo, that's hot! Too bad it's not a vote to get rid of the worst. Sleazie then introduces the judges. Randy "Here's A Quarter, Call Someone Who Cares!" Randy! Miss "I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart" Paula! And of course, King "Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye" Tut! King Tut looks at Miss Paula instead of Sleazie and Sleazie cackles in maniacal rage as he recaps the performances of the previous night: King Tut didn't call, there's Taylor, bastard, Mandisa, I bet he's shagging that pickle-faced bimbo, Elliott, oooh I hate him, Paris, HATE HIM, Kellie, why won't he call me, sob, et cetera.

Uncle Kenny then comes out to banter with Sleazie and King Tut for about three minutes. Yes, I fast forward that scene. Did I miss anything good, like Uncle Kenny telling King Tut that Sleazie had been with him through bad times, like when King Tut first discovered a strand of grey hair on his head, so it will not do to trade in an old lover for a new one when midlife crisis hits. Be like Uncle Kenny - splurge on cosmetic surgery! It's easier on the nerves compared to dealing with bitter ex-lovers. Uncle Kenny then performs. Sigh, let me just say that if he can hear himself sing, he'd probably wish that he can turn back time and cancel his own performance on the show. He's singing his new single I Can't Unlove You, which, apart from having a rather... interesting title, can easily be his inadvertent swan song. Travis Tritt is in the audience. Why can't he sing?

After what seems like five long hours of Uncle Kenny struggling not to pass out on stage, it's now time for the obligatory weekly Ford clip. This time around, the Nine cover/butcher Kirsty MacColl's Just One Look as Kellie sends the car her daddy stole to the workshop so that her buddies can fix the car, change the plate, et cetera, so that she can sell off the car and buy herself a Paul Walker lookalike to take her to prom. However, she realizes with horror that her buddies, tired of her bossing them around, decide to spray paint the stolen car rainbow instead of the red she wanted to match her slutty prom dress. She shrieks and tells them that her daddy will get all his cell buddies to get nasty on all their backsides. Her buddies decide that enough is enough so they grab her by her scrawny arms and throw her out of the workshop. The end. Love Sleazie's dig at Kellie when he says that he has this feeling that Kellie really believes that cars are made by, er, old cars being out in some magic workshop. He's so bitter and jealous, he's adorable.

Sleazie pimps that next week feature the music of Queen. I feel like crying because I love Queen. And now, Sleazie now divides the Nine into three groups. One has Ace, Bucky, and Katharine. One has Mandisa, Paris, and Elliott. One has Taylor, Kellie, and Chris. I'm sure you can tell that Taylor, Chris, and Kellie are most likely the final three of this season. The "shocker" is that the group with Mandisa, Paris, and Elliott are the bottom three. Paris is then declared safe. Sigh, Mandisa or Elliott will be leaving. Either one leaving will break my heart. King Tut says that it's all about song choices but he thinks Elliott will stay. He's right (he's psychic, wow) because Mandisa is leaving. Elliott gives her a hug and tells her that he loves her, Sleazie says that she has many fans and everyone loves her being on the show (then why don't they vote for her, hmm?) and Mandisa blesses everyone in the name of Jesus before her eulogy video comes on. She sings and then she's gone.

And really, at the end of the day, she isn't gone because the gay people are angry with her because they imagine that she wants them all persecuted. She's gone because the people voting have made up their minds long ago to vote for the cute one, the blonde one, the one with the biceps, or whatever it is that their "one" has caught their fancy with. Talent has nothing to do with this season, King Tut doesn't even pretend to pay attention to nearly all the performances of each episode (did you see him laughing and chatting with Randy Randy during Mandisa's final sing-out?), and really, the only reason this show is still going on is because the money is still coming in from the audience. That's all there is to it. Mandisa leaving isn't a Triumph of the Pink moment. It isn't An Unjust Moment. It's just a typical occurrence on a show that is nothing more than a soulless machine chugging on to keep making money for all the people involved in the show. And really, there is nothing wrong with this at all, except when it starts to bore me out of my wits like the season is starting to do to me. That's when everything starts to go down the drain and I wish... oh what the heck, I'll keep watching. You will too. We are all doomed.