AMERICAN IDOL

Season 5: Hemorrhage

Women's Round | Men's Round | Results

Thursday

It's a crowded Podium as twenty people squeeze themselves on it while Sleazie solemnly intones that this show is called American Idol and we are all going to hell for watching it. As the camera pans on the twenty wannabes, I realize that Elliott isn't just the shortest of the guys, he's the shortest person on the show. Anyway, Sleazie blabbers on and on about votes and somebody going home before the credits roll.

Sleazie, dressed in dark brown and black today, pause to say hello to Taylor's father, I think, before reaching the center of the Podium and welcoming everyone to the show. Sleazie also announces that the "original farmbot", er, "farmgirl" Cattle Underwood will be on the show to reveal her shiny brand new hard drive. Oh, and "over 42 million votes" came in for the wannabes of this show so Sleazie wants everyone to hug themselves and do a Taylor Hicks kind of "EEEEE!" in the process. Sleazie then introduces the judges before telling King Tut not to get Sleazie "started", whatever that means. I wish these two will at least explain what is going on between them if they insist on dragging their personal issues onto this show.

First off, all twenty will perform Love The One You're With, that versatile song that has been performed by everyone from all kinds of genre such as Stephen Stills, Will Young, Luther Vandross, and the gang of Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young. I think Donald Duck did a version of this song too in one of those Disney cartoons. Melissa kicks off the singalong and she sounds very good. Not so with Heather and Brenna who follow up from Melissa, alas. Paris then ad-libs as the rest of the gang perform a surprisingly soft and subdued version of the chorus. Lisa takes off in kicking off the second verse, sounding good there, and Ayla sounds good as well as she takes over from Lisa. Katharine takes over the ad-lib duties as the rest of the gang once more gets into the chorus, this time a little louder and more alive than previously. Then Kellie kicks off the third verse, sounding better than she could have been, I suppose, and Kinnik sings circles around her as she takes over from Kellie. Mandisa gets the ad-lib duties as the rest of the gang goes into their third chorus. Then with a "Doo doo doot! Doo doo doot!" the gang is done with this annoyingly lifeless version of an otherwise fun uptempo song.

Sleazie now recaps the performances of the previous two nights before welcoming Cattle Underwood who has sold over two million copies at the time this show takes place. Cattle comes out wearing a dress that reveals a shocking amount of cleavage for this show and I think she sounds less contrived and robotic here. Maybe she doesn't feel like she has to pretend to be that innocent dumb farmgirl anymore since she doesn't have to compete on this show. Cattle will be performing Jesus, Take The Wheel, a nice song about some stupid woman who daydreams while driving and so when her car flies off to certain death, she screams to Jesus to take the wheel and reverse the car or something. I'm not joking, go check out the lyrics to this song. It's a nice if generic and forgettable song, but then again, Cattle's CD is on the whole very nice and enjoyable if at the same time generic and quite forgettable apart from the fabulous Before He Cheats. I would recommend that CD, by the way, because it's easily the best post-Idol CD so far by any of the contestants on this show.

After Cattle's performance and the obligatory standing ovation, Sleazie reveals that the first chop will take place among the ladies. It turns out that the bottom three are Kinnik, Brenna, and Heather. Not much of a surprise there although I was sure Melissa would be in the bottom three instead of Heather. Randy Randy gives some pointless and inane advice to the three ladies and then Sleazie reveals that Brenna is gone. Oh Brenna, I like her but she doesn't know when and where to stop sometimes, sigh, and now she's done it. Brenna says that she's not so upset, she's going to call Uncle Nigel to say, "Let's make some money!" She then tells her fans to get ready for Brenna's CD. I don't think so, to be honest. Brenna performs her nasal Last Dance as her swan song. That will teach her to choose a song with such a prophetic title. I like how she manages to inject "Let's make some money!" in that song along with some "I'm so bad!" though. She has the right attitude to be fun and enjoyable but the poor dear just doesn't know it when she crosses the line and becomes obnoxious.

Sleazie now turns to Heather and Kinnik. Who is the next to leave? Miss Paula gives her trademark use-free pontifications of why Heather and Kinnik end up in the bottom three. King Tut pretends that he doesn't already know who is leaving and predicts Heather's departure. Heather turns out to be indeed the one leaving. Heather takes her boot well, agreeing good-naturedly with Sleazie that this is indeed her worst day ever. Of course she is sad to leave, but one listen to her swan song performance of Hero reassures me that Heather leaving this soon in the competition is a good thing. She seems like a sweet young lady but she's just that: a sweet young gal who loves this show but is way out of her league compared to the other competitors.

Sleazie now takes the ax to the guys. The bottom three turn out to be Sway, David, and Kevin. Randy Randy proves that he's a gargantuan moron by saying that Kevin shouldn't be in the bottom three. For a moment I am hoping that America will prove me wrong and give Kevin the boot but alas, David is the one with the lowest votes and he gets the unceremonious boot in the behind. Oh dear, how humiliating it must be to be considered less attractive than Kevin! David can merely say in a dazed manner that he'll just go back to his friends and go back to school after this. Poor David, I suspect he has some self-discovery to do since he knows now that he's not as cute, talented, or popular as he thought he was previously. As David performs his swan song The Way You Look Tonight, everyone crowds around him while poor Will has his hands on his head, looking really heartbroken that bitter goodbye has arrived sooner than they have anticipated. Don't worry, Will. You'll be seeing David again soon, snigger. And yes, Will and David are wearing the same black stripey shirt today. I wonder whether they are wearing the same boxer shorts. Anyone?

It's now down to Kevin and Sway. And it turns out that either the American-Filipino community has been so embarrassed by their support of a certain princess of Hawaii that they fail to drum up enough support for Sway or Kevin's mojo is really that unstoppable because Sway is going home instead of Kevin. ("Or, it can be due to the fact that Sway isn't a steeotypical Filipino bimbo like you-know-who so he doesn't drive the Filipino community into a voting frenzy," suggests hubby.) There's another fellow who can claim the dubious honor of being found lacking in the sexiness department when he's measured against the all-mighty Man with a capital M that is Kevin Covais. At least David has found love to keep holding on to life after this embarrassing debacle. Shall I pray for Sway to find the strength to overcome his shame? After some pointless chatter by the judges ("pointless chatter by the judges" is redudant, I know), Sway performs his swan song, the now humorously ironic Overjoyed, and he's out of here. You people only have yourselves to blame now that Sway will never get his parents back together again!

Sleazie reminds everyone that sixteen people are left. Keep voting, people! He'll now ground the judges and leave everyone with the eulogy clips of the four losers mixed and played to - what else? - Daniel Powter's Bad Day. Oh, Brenna, I'll miss the bling-bling and shine-on. Sleazie then poses with the sixteen and tells everyone to get lost while Will, standing behind Sleazie, scans the crowd through red, teary eyes. I'm sure we all know who he's looking for. Damn you, people! How could you destroy young love so callously like this!

Women's Round | Men's Round | Results